Six Fan Theories That Are Better Than What Actually Happened

When it comes to television, movies, books, and video games, no one is more devoted and rabid than the fans.  I have seen fans almost come to blows over speculation and theory - some of it good, some of it bad, and some of it so legendary that they have to be electronically catalogued for future generations to enjoy for they are the fan theories that, had they been more than the musings of an ardent admirer would turn something timeless into something legendary.

Those are the fan theories that I present to you at the present time.

The Legend of Korra: Puppet and Puppetmaster

The Legend of Korra is the spin-off of Avatar: The Last Airbender (not involving blue kitty aliens or that god-awful abomination by M. Night Shamaylan) which was about a young boy who could master and control all four elements and his quest to rid the world of the tyranny of the Fire Nation.

Taking place forty years after the first series, The Legend of Korra finds all of the beloved characters from Avatar are taking a dirt nap (with the exception of Old-Ass Katara who is now Gran-Gran herself).  There's also a new Avatar, Korra, and a new threat, a masked bastard named Amon who can take bending power away from people.

When Amon demonstrated this power to un-bend benders, it invited speculation that Amon could be related to Aang in some way since little Aang was also able to take benders powers away as easily as one unbends a bendy straw.

The Awesome Fan Theory...

Amon is Aang's reanimated zombie body.

Whoa, what the fuck?

In the Avatar universe, unless you are the Avatar himself, you can bend either earth, air, water, or fire and, once you bend those things, you can move on to the next level.  Once you bend air, you can bend spirit.  Once you bend fire, you can bend lightning.  Once you bend earth, you can bend metal. 

The level-up of water, however, is not often spoken about... because once you learn how to bend water, the next step is blood-bending which means that you can control a person like a sick little puppet and, out of all of the bender powers, it is the most feared and the most dangerous.  So much so that it's been outlawed.

So, Amon was Aang's dead body, reanimated with blood-bending.  The question is, who is the blood bender?  Well, this is when shit goes a little dark.

The blood-bender is Katara.

Sweet, innocent, old-ass Katara.

Could it be that Katara wants to present Korra with a worthy adversary?  Could it be that Katara believes that normal people have become second class citizens and the benders need to be culled?  Could she just be doing it because she's old and depressed that everyone she's ever known is dead and buried?  Who knows...

Whatever her motivation could have been, the idea that one of the heroes of the previous series which showed her blood-bending twice and also showed that she was tempted by the power, could fall prey to it would have been chilling and, honestly, no one would have seen that shit coming.

What actually happened...

Amon turned out to be a pissed off water-bending son of a mob boss who had learned to use his bending powers to take away the powers of others.  When he was discovered and exposed, he escaped Republic City with his brother (who he had also taken bending powers away from) on a boat with the intention of starting a new life together.  His brother, on the other hand, decided "fuck that" and blew them both to hell by igniting the boat's gas tank.

The Matrix: The Merovingian's True Identity

Dear God, the Matrix sequels sucked.  A bunch of philosophical double talk and go-nowhere plotting took what was a straight forward action story with brains and turned it into a half-assed heavy handed Jesus analogy with an actor who looks mildly retarded all the time.

Seriously, Reloaded and Revolutions go nowhere and one of the characters who boards the bus to Nowheresville is The Merovingian.  Hell, the Merovingian doesn't just get on the bus... he drives the goddamn thing.

This French-accented ponce who enjoys giving women orgasms through pie while extolling needlessly complicated amounts of dialogue was supposed to be a rogue program in the Matrix who knows where to get anything you need for a price.  Why, it's almost as if he knows everything and sees everything.

The Awesome Fan Theory...

That's because The Merovingian is Neo.

Whoa, what the fuck!?

At the end of The Matrix Reloaded, Neo meets The Architect and, through another round of dialogue that sounds like the Wachowski Brothers flipped needlessly through a goddamn thesaurus for fancy words, we learn that  The Matrix is far older and far more unstable than we were led to believe.  As it turns out, Neo himself is part of the Matrix as well, designed to, in a sense, reformat and reboot the entire thing every few years to prevent chaos from reigning.

So, Neo's personality and everything he is comes from The Matrix and there have been Neo's before him.

Neo possesses the ability to see what's coming... The Merovingian possesses the ability to see what's coming.

Neo wants to help humans, The Merovingian offers safe haven to obsolete programs.

Neo is played by an annoying asshole, The Merovingian is an annoying asshole.

It doesn't take a huge leap to say that The Merovingian is, in fact, a previous Neo program who stuck around after the reformatting and reboot of the Matrix... losing his humanity in the process and becoming an offshoot of the very system that spawned his snail-eating ass.

What actually happened...

Unlike many of the theories we present here, The Merovingian being Neo hasn't been debunked by time or the story.  As a matter of fact, The Matrix pretty much forgot that he was there which was probably best in the long run.  Neo or not, we can only assume that The Merovingian was Smithified and erased when the Matrix was restarted during the horrible climax of the last horrible movie.

The Rock: Sean Connery Isn't Who You Think!

Who remembers The Rock?   That's okay... it wasn't that good, but what it lacked in brains, direction, or a coherent plot it made up for by teaming up Nicholas Cage and a long-haired potty-mouthed Sean Connery in a story involving two men breaking into Alcatraz to rescue hostages.

Nick Cage is going because he's the good guy, but Sean Connery is going because he's a former prisoner of the Rock and is the only one who successfully escaped from that dreaded island.  Sean Connery's character claimed to be from British Intelligence and that, when he was captured spying on the USA, England disavowed any knowledge of him.

The man is good.  Very good.  Obviously he's had training.  He thinks on his feet.

The Awesome Fan Theory...

He's James Bond.

What the Fuck!?

There is a theory that states that James Bond isn't really a person, but rather a code name that is passed down from agent to agent.  There have been several different James Bonds throughout the years just like there have been different M's, different Q's, and different other letters and shit.  When a Bond is caught, killed, or retires another of MI6's top spies is given the 007 title and the license to kill.

So, imagine James Bond is doing some work for England over in the USA.  Bond, returning to the position after being retired for some time and fresh from Never Say Never Again (which he is not proud of by the way) is a little rusty and out of practice and quicker than you can say, "Moneypenny, you make me hard," he's captured by the FBI.

England, of course, wouldn't own up to the fact that Bond is one of theirs and so they disavow any knowledge that he's a spy.  James Bond goes back to his old name, John Mason, and spends the next few decades patiently biding his time just waiting for another opportunity to show the goddamn Yanks that you don't hold a 007 prisoner for very long.

It's not coincidental that he makes his break for it while Timothy Dalton is fucking everything up.

What actually happened...

The only thing that pokes holes into this theory are the dates.  Sure, you can disregard Never Say Never Again (and that would probably be best anyway) and you find that John Mason was captured by the US in 1963... eight years before Sean Connery's James Bond took his final bow.

It's not hard to see that the writers of The Rock had a James Bond character in mind when they wrote John Mason and cast Sean Connery in the roll.  I guess it's a good thing Connery said yes, because I think that Roger Moore would have just made the movie that much more ridiculous.

Though not as ridiculous as this.

Of Mice and Men: George has a Secret

I know, I know... I'm breaking out a book reference and I'm loosing well over 90 percent of you.  If you've never read this wonderful book, take your finger out of your nose and just skip to the next entry.

Of Mice and Men is John Steinbeck's novel about two guys, George and Lenny and their dream of a better life slowly turning to shit right in front of them during the Great Depression.  You probably know the story even if you haven't read the book: Lenny is a strong guy but mentally retarded and George is a friend who watches after him.  The two get a job at a ranch and try to save up enough money to buy their own ranch and not have to work for anyone but themselves... then, Lenny fucks it up by accidentally killing the boss's daughter-in-law.

But we're not talking about that.  We're talking about a very sticky point...  so to speak.

The Awesome Fan Theory...

George is a gay homosexual.

What the Fuck!?

Take a gander at the portion of the book where George meets Curly's wife.

Both men glanced up, for the rectangle of sunshine in the doorway was cut off. A girl was standing there looking in. She had full, rouged lips and widespaced eyes, heavily made up. Her fingernails were red. Her hair hung in little rolled clusters, like sausages. She wore a cotton house dress and red mules, on the insteps of which were little bouquets of red ostrich feathers. "I'm lookin’ for Curley," she said. Her voice had a nasal, brittle quality.

George looked away from her and then back. "He was in here a minute ago, but he went."

A woman - the only woman in the book - gets a casual and uninterested glance from George and that's it.  Now, look what happens when George puts his lustful eyes on Slim, the jerkline skinner of the ranch.

A tall man stood in the doorway. He held a crushed Stetson hat under his arm while he combed his long, black, damp hair straight back. Like the others he wore blue jeans and a short denim jacket. When he had finished combing his hair he moved into the room, and he moved with a majesty achieved only by royalty and master craftsmen. He was a jerkline skinner, the prince of the ranch, capable of driving ten, sixteen, even twenty mules with a single line to the leaders. He was capable of killing a fly on the wheeler’s butt with a bull whip without touching the mule. There was a gravity in his manner and a quiet so profound that all talk stopped when he spoke. His authority was so great that his word was taken on any subject, be it politics or love. This was Slim, the jerkline skinner. His hatchet face was ageless. He might have been thirty-five or fifty. His ear heard more than was said to him, and his slow speech had overtones not of thought, but of understanding beyond thought. His hands, large and lean, were as delicate in their action as those of a temple dancer.

Sure, you may say that George is just admiring the guy for being manly... but you can also say that George is admiring the guy for being manly and wants to touch his wiener.

There are other clues as well.  George is quite the loner which would be normal for a gay guy in depression-era America.  His only companion is a hulking retard who would only understand things in the most basic of child-like ways.  There is even a place or two in the book that other characters seem to accuse George and Lenny of funny business.  "Oh, so it's like that, is it?" or "Don't often see two fellahs going it together these days."

Does this mean George and Lenny are pounding each other in the bushes by the river?  Probably not... after all, Lenny is the kind of guy who would blurt out, "George puts his wee-wee in my bum bum" so I highly doubt there was any funny business between them.

What do we have then?  Two social outcasts who have bonded and formed a friendship.  George looks out for Lenny and keeps him out of trouble while Lenny picks flowers while George blows some guy he met on the side of the road for a can of beans.  Of Mice and Men is about the death of dreams, and who else would have a harder time having a dream than a homosexual and his pet retard?

What actually happened...

Speculation about George's sexuality is ongoing and the debate will probably never die as long as people read this book.  Some will look at the evidence and roll their eyes thinking, "Hey, it's just about two friends and a love of freedom and rabbits."  Others will look at it and think the same thing... only one of them wants to shove rabbits up their ass.

Captain Kirk has the greatest ally on his side

Chances are, you were probably witness to the epic kickassery of the 2009 Star Trek movie.  This amazing sequel/prequel/reboot was clever in its execution -- keeping the history intact while raping it with a razor dildo at the same time.

In case you are one of the losers who hasn't seen it, a Romulan named Nero who is from a time period after Star Trek: The Next Generation's movies is sucked back in time to a period before the classic series starts and attacks the first spaceship he sees because he's new to the era and has to prove his cock is bigger. 

The attacked ship, however, contains the man who would be Captain Kirk's father and, after he's blown up, the timeline changes.  Kirk becomes a troubled youth who cheats his way through the academy and becomes enemies with, of all people, Mr. Spock who otherwise would have his best friend and first officer.  It's quite a coincidence that Kirk and Spock would find each other again... and it's even more of a coincidence that Uhura, Sulu, Chekov, Scotty, and McCoy end up together again too.  Odd... I thought this was an alternate timeline.   If this is an alternate timeline, why aren't things more alternater?

The Awesome Fan Theory...

The Star Trek Universe is trying to fix itself.

Whoa!  What the fuck?

This theory assumes that the universe is a living breathing thing and doesn't take too kindly to getting kicked in its balls of which, I assume, have rings around them like the planet Saturn.  The universe has a path that it likes to go on and, when pushed to the side, wavers back.  The problem is, now one of those Saturn testicles has been shattered and is hanging there like a bruised oversized potato slapping against the universe's leg which didn't help when Nero destroyed the planet Vulcan which is like shoving a pinecone up the universe's ass.

The simple truth is that the conscience universe can't just walk this one off, but what it can do is try and put pieces of its shattered twins and ringpiece back together by teaming up its greatest heroes to take Nero's sorry ass down.  Thus, Kirk and his crew are back together again for the first time thanks to a living, breathing, and very sore universe.

Who knows how things will look in the future.  Perhaps by the time the TNG era rolls around again, the timeline will be more or less restored?  Perhaps it will be completely different.  Whatever the case and no matter what happens, fans everywhere can at least take heart that the original Star Trek universe lives on in the adventures of Captain Jonathan Archer.

Wait... that doesn't help at all.

What Actually Happened...

As insane and new-age as the conscious universe theory is, it actually almost made it into the movie in the form of an unfilmed scene.  When Kirk finds old Spock on the ice planet, the old Vulcan tells him about his idea that the universe is trying to fix Nero's fuckups... so it's actually not so insane of an idea after all.



Firefly: The Why of River

Firefly was the tragically short brainchild of Buffy the Vampire Slayer creator, Joss Whedon, and was basically... cowboys in space and, yes, it was every bit as awesome as it sounds.  You even had the Old West archetypes on the spaceship: The preacher man, the country doctor, the hooker with the heart of gold among others... and then you had River.

River was a mystery.  She appeared in the first episode, smuggled onto the ship by her brother, and nuttier than a squirrel's underpants and, yet, under her nuttiness, there was this simmering truth.  Underneath her silly small-girl physique was a caged animal.

The crew was never sure what to make of River.  Her origins were unknown and her stability was always in question.  The only thing we know is that someone made her the way she was.  Why they did it, however, was the biggest riddle of them all.

The Awesome Fan Theory...

The scientists who experimented on River were trying to resurrect Vampire Slayers.

Whoa!  What the fuck?

In the Firefly universe, there were no aliens and no supernatural elements.  Everything had a perfectly rational and "down to Earth" explanation... but then there were the Reavers.

Reavers, you see, are space cannibals.  Men and women who dared to peer out into the black of space and became mad because of it.  Many believed that the Reavers were an evolutionary offshoot of vampires... that leaving Earth had forced them to de-evolve into animals.

Others postulated that the reason why the humans left earth in the first place is because Earth-That-Was fell to the Vampires or some other big bad and humanity had to flee to the stars.

At some point or another, the Vampire Slayers were lost and, with the Reavers closing in every year, Alliance scientists were forced to try and bring the slayers back through genetic manipulation.

Thus... River!

What actually happened...

It turns out that River was an experiment in psychic combat research and the crazy cannibalistic Reavers were the result of a chemical experiment in mind control.

But I still say she's a vampire slayer!




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