|Donner Discusses Ten Things About
Halloween That Suck
Everyone who knows me wish they didn't... but
those people also know that, when it comes to Halloween, I am a certified
Halloween fanatic. I love the holiday and everything about it... well,
almost everything about it.
#10 - Candy Corn
This disgusting and continually returning
candy confection is the thing that ruins Trick or Treating every year.
Forget the razors, syringes, and poison apples that some kids bring home,
it’s these carvings from Satan’s toenails that really puts a kink in your
are children who have gotten molested on Halloween night that are not as
bummed out as the kid who empties his bag only to find these teeth-like
confections of pure ass staring back at him.
Seriously, it doesn’t even qualify as candy – it’s wax! Put a wick in it and
you could light it in case of power outages. It’s like it came out of
Shrek’s ears on a q-tip! This candy is gross and, what’s worse is that it
deceives you by appearance. You see all those different colors on the waxy
cone of lies and you think, “Score, it’s going to be three different
flavors.” Turns out that it is: Shit, more shit, and even more shit.
As if the devious machinations about its hideous taste aren’t bad enough,
the candy corn (which is neither) now disguises itself as cute little
pumpkins, ghosts, and other seemingly delicious foodstuffs. Listen, buddy, I
could take a shit in a baking pan and say it’s a muffin, but after a couple
of bites you’ll realize that it’s still just shit – and slightly better
tasting than candy corn.
We’re not fooled either, we know why this candy is given out every year –
it’s goddamn cheap. Why is it cheap? Because it has to be to keep the
dickheads who buy the stuff to keep buying the stuff! Teach these assholes a
lesson; When they dare try and sully your Hallow’s Eve bags with this
affront to nature and all that is delicious, kick them in the balls and run
away. What are they going to do? Call the cops? You’re in a fucking mask!
#9 - The Christmas Crowd-Out
It’s getting to the point that you have to buy your Halloween shit in
September so that you can celebrate in any respectable way because, five
days before Halloween, all of the ghostly goodness is shoved out the door to
make way for the Holiday Season... which doesn't even start for a fucking
know, I know... Christmas is the more popular holiday where, instead of
candy corn, you get Xboxes and the big man in the red suit that everyone
celebrates is Santa and not Satan, but COME ON!!! We're trying to
teach kids to wait their turn and be patient, while we're rolling out
Christmas shit in goddamn July? Where is the lesson in that!?
Personally, Santa better watch his ass because when it comes down to a
showdown between a fat man and a bunch of midgets against the armies of
darkness, I bet on evil every time.
Do you realize that, with Christmas decorations coming out earlier and
earlier every year that some stores are celebrating Christmas almost 1/3rd
of the year? That’s friggin’ insane!
Come on, Jesus, you have your own religion for you’s sake! Leave Halloween
and Thanksgiving alone!
#8 - Fall Festivals
You remember when children used to go to Halloween carnivals? They would
dress up in costumes and go play games and have fun with friends? I cherish
these memories – they are an integral part of who I am and what I will be.
Go to the Halloween carnival, trick or treat, and then toilet paper some
fucking houses. It was all part of growing up.
no one has Halloween Carnivals anymore. Now we have these stupid Fall
Festivals because celebrating Halloween offended too many people because we
were observing a pagan ritual or something – of course, they combated that
by making up our own goddamn pagan ritual in celebrating the Harvest!
What's worse, would you like to know when
they have started holding these Fall Festivals? Halloween!
Fucking Halloween! So, it's kind of like the old fashioned Halloween
carnivals, only... there's no costumes allowed and they play nothing but
Christian music because these farces are often sponsored by churches.
After all, nothing will expunge Satan from our Earth like not allowing kids
to dress up like Clone Troopers and making them listen to eighty songs with
the same beat and slightly different words.
Jesus Christ, we’re cutting the balls off of our own children before they
drop now! Fall Festivals are a joke – They celebrate them around the same
time as Halloween and kids are even wearing costumes to it again. Why not
just call a spade a spade and call them what they are: Halloween Carnivals!
I’ll tell you why and it has to do with our next entry…
#7 - Christian Assholes
I want to get this out of the way, I’m not talking about all
Christians, just the Christian Assholes. People who hang on every
word that Pat Robertson says and thinks that handing out candy to some kid
dressed as Batman is an act of Satan. Chances are, if you are as close
to be normal as being a Christian allows you to be, you're reading this and
thinking, Yeah Donner, I understand what you're saying.
you're pissed off and offended... you are a Christian asshole.
Please join the Atheist Assholes, the
Islamic Assholes, and the Assholes of ever other religion on Earth in the
corner of no humor.
These whiney and controlling dick monkeys are the reason why we don’t have
Halloween carnivals anymore… these lonely and judgmental people who sit in
the house in the dark lest they be required to look children in the eye and
say, "No, I will not give you candy or Jesus will make my son gay," bring
nothing but sorrow and grayness to the world. I'm also fairly certain
they are the reason Captain Kangaroo died.
These people piss me off. It’s bad enough that they violate their own
commandments and “bear false witness” saying that Halloween is the devil’s
birthday, but they want to take it a step further and dictate how me and my
family and everyone around them celebrates Halloween. I don’t knock on their
door telling them what assholes they are for not celebrating Halloween, but
I have to listen to them preach to me from my driveway that I’m going to
hell for carving a funny face into a pumpkin?
You are ruining what should be cherished
childhood memories and that is evil.
What’s worse is that they will go on and on about the “pagan” holiday of
Halloween and how evil it is, but then go out and celebrate the 4th of July
or take Labor Day off and act like there’s nothing wrong with it. Sorry,
Christian Assholes, but those are holidays established by non-Christian
means and that makes them… pagan!
You’re going to hell for watching fireworks, you evil bastards. I'll
meet you there, but at least I'll have some candy.
#6 - Sexy Halloween Costumes that Shouldn't
got no problem with naughty nurses or dominatrixes coming to my front door
begging me for candy. As a matter of fact, I actually enjoy seeing otherwise
conservative girls slut it up one day out of the year. I’m sure it’s
liberating for them, and I get a little something out of it as well.
It’s recently that the sexy costumes have taken a turn for the bizarre as
costumes that shouldn’t be sexy are suddenly sexy!
Nurse? Yes! Policewoman?
Yes! Nudist? YES!
Freddy Kruger, Big Bird, Darth Vader, and
Mrs. Potato Head? No... uh... yes... but no.
Come on, Spongebob Squarepants, for God’s sake! Girls are wearing skin-tight
Spongebob costumes which seems cool at first, but a little while later when
you’re watching the show on Nick and all of the sudden, you pop a mega-boner
when Spongebob comes on, it’s awkward! I don’t want to be aroused by
Oh god, now I want to fuck Robin.
#5 - Youth in Plain Clothes
It never fails… I go and open the door
expecting to see various Transformers, superheros, and fairies and who’s
waiting for me? A bunch of fucking teenagers wearing plain clothes with a
pillowcase. Who the fuck are these people and what do they want? Candy.
Fuck you, high school musical. Come back when you buy a costume and put some
fucking effort into it. You think I’m just giving this sugary shit away?
Hell no, if a five year old can work for it, you can too.
Oh, I know… Putting on costumes isn’t cool and, when you’re in high school,
you have to be cool. News flash, dickheads. You’re in high school and you
are not cool. Sure, you may think you are and the media may be telling you
that you are, but you’re not… the media is just telling you that shit to
convince you to buy things. Things which are also not cool.
See? Now you’re sitting there saying, “I’m cool! I don’t give a fuck what
this old guy is saying.” No… you’re not cool and you know how I know you’re
not cool… you’re standing in front of a stranger’s house with a pillowcase
begging for candy.
Not drugs, not money… candy.
You get candy corn, motherfucker.
This is kind of related to the Asshole
Christian rant, but kind of not… I hate it when Halloween falls on a Sunday.
I really do. There’s always the religious leaders who come out with the
bullshit about, “You shouldn’t do trick-or-treating on Sunday because then
you become Satan’s whore,” but that’s really not what annoys me.
You see, when I was a kid and Halloween fell on a Sunday, we would go
trick-or-treating, but it would be cut off by the parents early. Not for any
religious reason, but because it was the end of the weekend and we had
school the next morning.
If Halloween fell on any other day of the week, it wouldn’t be an issue. You
want to stay out until 1 AM on Monday that would be fine. God forbid that
you stay out past nine on Sunday.
Fuck you, Sunday.
#3 - Cutesy Decorations
this ever happened to you? You’re in the store and you see a gruesome zombie
head on a spike and you’re all like, “Kickass! That’ll really scare the shit
out of the little bastards who try and take my candy!” and then you pick it
up and it starts fucking singing the Monster Mash.
I hate cute singing Halloween decorations especially the ones that would be
awesome if they didn’t fucking sing. It’s that extra ingredient in a gourmet
dinner that ruins it… you know, the goat cheese glaze on a steak or the rat
shit on a Big Mac.
Halloween can be cute if you’re into all that. You can have a giant blow up
Snoopy on your front lawn if you want and then you can go inside, put on
high heels, and take a giant cock up your ass. I want my Halloween to be
horrible, disgusting, scary, and the stuff that scars people for a lifetime
and you can’t do that if it’s done to the tune of Purple People Eater!
#2 - Unoriginal Costumes
Guess why every Halloween since 2008 has
Yep, that’s why.
It’s not just the Joker that ruins Halloween, it’s Obi Wan Kenobi,
Bumblebee, Tinkerbell, and every other trendy Halloween costume that comes
to my door over and over and over again. I’m not one to preach against
commercialism like some Seattle Starbucks hipster, but you know what? Fuck
Goddammit, doesn’t anyone have any imagination anymore? If you’re fortunate
enough to have parents that make you put together unique homemade costumes
that actually force you to use your imagination, the sheep like herds of
kids wearing the same store-bought costumes make fun of them because “Haha,
you’re too poor to conform!”
This is how we solve this problem: Any time you see another Batman or
another Hanna Montana come to your door. Pepper Spray them. Give the “poor
kids” with orginal homemade costumes extra candy and allow them to kick your
victims as they writhe on the floor.
#1 - The Pile of Candy on the Floor
There were many things my parents did to scar me as a kid. I was spanked,
forced to go to church, burned with cigarettes and sold into the sex trade,
but by far the very worse thing that was ever done to me happened after
never failed… I would return from walking the equivalent of ten miles to
gather as much precious candy as I could and, when I returned to the trailer
home to enjoy the juicy fruits of my labor, I would always be told by my
mom, who hadn’t moved her fat ass from the couch all night, “You can have
one piece of candy and save the rest for later.”
What? I did all the work and I’m being told what to do with my haul? Fine…
you’re the mom or whatever. I’d wake up the next morning, though, and all
the best candy would be picked out of my pail leaving me the cheap peanut
butter candy and whoppers boxes which we all know are at the bottom of the
candy food chain.
They would sit there in that pail for months… a testament to the fact that
all my work resulted in authority figures taking the best for themselves.
This is why I started Occupy Halloween. I am the fucking ninety-nine