|Donner Celebrates the Ten Greatest
I am a mystery, baby, that cannot be solved for although I kind of like it when a lot of people die on the 10 o'clock news, I also enjoy the sickeningly sweet sing song Disney universe, so when someone in this cute and cuddly universe gets offed for the sake of the story, I'll admit it... it makes me hard.
So, sit back and enjoy this list of the ten greatest exists from the world of Disney from 80 years of animated characters shedding their mortal coil.
#10 - The Ape Baby from Tarzan
Unless you're a complete bastard or at least a very frustrated parent (looking at you, Casey Anthony), no one would celebrate the death of a child. Of course, I like children like I like my coffee... and I don't like coffee.
I wasn't expecting much from Tarzan except maybe seeing his man-ape balls accidentally slip out of his loincloth leading to a theater full of kids asking increasingly uncomfortable questions of their parents, but in the first five minutes when a baby ape was devoured by a leopard on screen allowing the audience to savor the terrified baby's final shriek and facial expression before being turns into Meow Mix, my respect for the movie skyrocketed even though it didn't provide us with said balls.
I suppose I should point out, for the sake of accuracy, that the ape baby in the picture accompanying this entry is not the tabby tidbit in question. The truth is, I couldn't find a picture of the snack online and I wasn't about to rip a picture off my DVD because I'm lazy. I did, however, find this picture of the ape baby after the attack and will include it here for exactness.
The only way this death could have been a more tragic experience for the parents who, of course, watched their only child get gobbled up by a feral feline is if the jungle cat barfed the baby up and it tried to walk to them a half-digested monster before getting torn to pieces by army ants.
I hear that's coming in the unrated director's cut, though.
#9 - Commander Rourke from Atlantis: The Lost Empire
If you didn't see Atlantis: The Lost Empire, don't worry... no one else did either and that's really a shame because in the annals of Disney bombs, it's one of the better ones.
But fuck it, we're not here to talk about that.
You've got to hand it Rourke. Not only was he a mean sumbitch, but he also just didn’t know when to quit... and by quit, I mean die.
Check this, peeps. First, in the finale fight between Rourke who wants to
steal Atlantis' power source and Milo, the little geek who wants to preserve
it, Rourke is like, totally wailing and beating the crap out of Milo and
he’s thinking, "Hey, I'm going to win this and be home in no time to beat my
wife too!" and then, Thud! Milo stabs him with an enchanted crystal shard
and, before you can say "MAVERICK!" Rourke transmogrifies into a big crystal
But not Rourke. No, this bastard just keeps on fighting and doesn’t stop
until he’s CHOPPED UP IN A PROPELLER!!!
#8 - Mufasa from The Lion King
Mufasa couldn't have been more fucked over in an episode of Big Brother. There he is, trying to save his only son, when he is betrayed by his own brother and thrown to his death leaving behind a trampled corpse with little wildebeest hoof prints all over it for Simba to find and mourn over, forcefully raping audience emotions ever since.
It isn't so much the heart-crushing after party that Simba and his tears throw following Mufasa's death that makes it so memorable, but rather the murder itself. That wide-eyed realization that comes over Mufasa when he finally figures out that his own brother is about to kill him. You can actually hear "fuck" silently roll out of Mufasa's mouth as Scar laments, "Long live the king!"
Supposedly, there's actually a bootlegged joke copy of the movie where Mufasa screams "shiiiiiiiiiiiit!" as he falls to his death, but it's nearly impossible to get hold of.
No, seriously. May God strike me down if I'm--
#7 - Sykes from Oliver & Company
Bleh. Finding a good animated Disney movie in their crop of 1980's offerings is like trying to fish around in a shit-filled toilet with your bare hand and skinned knuckles and then, after you've done that... you have to eat a sandwich and there's no way to wash your hands and you're all like, "God, why am I eating this sandwich!?" but you can't stop because it's got a strip of bacon in it.
That's what looking for quality in 1980's Disney animation is like.
Take this rather dated and laughable Disney attempt at contemporary animation, a retelling of Oliver Twist with fucking cats and dogs. All right, it's not that bad... I mean, it's hilariously dated, but not bad and it does have a real gem of a death in it and that is the death of Sykes.
How awesome was this asshole's death? It starts off with a brilliant kidnapping where he uses a cat... a cat to take a rich little girl hostage. Now, this guy is obviously a criminal mastermind and a tenacious badguy as, even as the little girl makes her escape he pursues her and her doggie friends in a high-speed chase across the city and into the subway system.
This is a guy who’s eye is so totally on
the ball that he DRIVES HIS CAR onto FUCKING SUBWAY TRACKS!
#6 - Ratigan's Drunk Lackey from The Great Mouse Detective
Remember what I said about finding quality in 1980's Disney animation? I'm sure that no matter how hard you try, you probably can't so let me just say that quality does exist and The Great Mouse Detective is one of those delicious shit-flavored pieces of bacon and the death doled out does not disappoint.
This particular death proves one thing and
one thing only. Ratigan’s a bastard and hates being called a rat. All right,
so it proves two things. Nevertheless, you’ve got to feel sorry for this
dumb bastard who Ratigan offs just for calling him a rat.
I suppose for the sake of all the visitors here who love to point out my mistakes even when my mistakes are hyperbole and what-not, that the henchman in question is not pictured in the images that accompanies this entry. I tried and failed to find a shot of the doomed little lush, but not to worry... again, there is an after picture. Enjoy... you know, for the sake of accuracy.
#5 - Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty
Oh, Maleficent... you sexy evil bitch, you.
Maleficent is probably Disney’s premiere badass and, as a badass, this badass got a badass death. Transforming herself into a giant fire-breathing dragon with "all the powers of Hell!" as she puts it herself, she puts herself right between Prince Phillip and the castle that holds that sleepy ass he hopes so desperately to tap.
Now, it was not only amazing that Maleficent came down to fight the prince herself and turned herself into a goddamn dragon to do it, but she also cursed as she did it! I know that "hell" is not really that bad of a word anymore, but this was made in the 1950's! If it was made today, Maleficent would have to scream, "Fuck you, Prince Phillip, and lick my nasty cunt!" to get the same shock value!
But nevermind that.
You know what was coolest about this death? Disney has the long-lived cliché of killing bad guys by having them fall to their death as to absolve the good guys from murdering anyone.
Not here… Phillip can go wake up Sleeping
Beauty look at her square in the eye and say, "yep… I kilt ‘dat bitch.
Now suck me, beautiful."
#4 - Clayton from Tarzan
was kind of an asshole so it wasn’t a huge tragedy when he died, but it
was helluva awesome.
#3 - The Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
In a way, the Queen set the bar for evil
characters getting killed off in Disney movies by falling but her fall in
particular was a thing of fucking beauty.
#2 - Scar from The Lion King
Scar’s death follows what has to be the
most awesome fight scene in Disney history. Scar and Simba face off in a
slow motion sissy slap fight and, when it’s over, Scar falls off of Pride
Whoopie Goldberg and Cheech don't feel
quite as affectionate since Scar tried to sell them out and as the hyena
henchmen jump him, Scar gets his just desserts by becoming the hyena’s
#1 - Bambi's Mom from Bambi
Come on... you knew this was coming. A list of Disney deaths without the classic Bambi's Mom going Blambi at the gun of a hunter would be like a porno without the moneyshot.
Of all the events that have fucked up
children over the last six decades, the untimely death of Bambi's poor
mother has mercilessly destroyed more innocence and goodness in the world
than that weird white van parked across the street from the Chuck-E-Cheese.