|Eight Disney Movies Ruined by Logic
Dear sweet Zues, I do love Disney movies, but
being the sick sadistic bastard I am, I often can't help but look for the
dark clouds in Disney's silver linings. Can't help it... Ever since I
was a little kid, I wondered how long Snow White will stay married to a dude
who molested her in her sleep. It was then that I realized that Disney
movies can be ruined by the stunningly light application of logic to the
sugary sweet situations that we are presented with.
And, since I secretly hate everyone, I
decided to ruin those movies to a mass audience.
#8: Incest in The Lion King
I love this movie and
in my eyes, it's damn near flawless but there is something under the surface
that mars this film. Something sinister, evil, and sick.
How does a pride of lions work? There's
tons of females and only one male, right? Or if there is more than one male,
only the Alpha Male is allowed to mate with the females, frequently killing
cubs that are not of his own seed. Already this had made Mufasa a murderer
because you know Scar must have been getting some play on the side, what
with that suave accent and gigantic brain, but that's not what I'm getting
at (even though that does kind of ruin the movie already).
What I'm getting at is this...
If you are to follow lion pack rules, where
did Nala come from? There are three possibilities. One, she is Scar's
daughter which can't be because she is still alive. Two, she is a unknown
male lion's father which also can't be because she's still alive.
So, Nala, who's your daddy?
I'm your daddy, you filthy filthy whore.
So, what we have here is a severe case of
inbreeding and, even if little Simba wanted to jump out of the gene pool to
greener pastures, he wouldn't have been able to because his parents
betrothed him to his own sister!
That's just fucking gross! How long has
this been going on? Are Mufasa and Serabi brother and sister? It's amazing
that these damn lions have only five toes on each foot.
As it is, Simba eventually gives in to his
pervert father's wishes and not only has sex with his sister, but produces
yet another inbred offspring who, later on, marries and has sex with her
Because if you can't love your family, who
can you love?
#7: Pinocchio: Condemned to Life
as an Orphan
Oh, how we love the
story of the little wooden boy who becomes real, but once Pinocchio becomes
a real boy what happens after that? That's where the tragedy comes in.
You see, in my opinion, it was terribly
irresponsible for the Blue Fairy to grant Geppetto custody of this little
boy. For one, it's a little weird to have a little boy live with a single
old man. Just saying.
Secondly, how old is Geppetto? At the
least, he's got to be in his sixties and Pinocchio is only created to be six
or seven... tops. That means that the Blue Fairy basically created
Pinocchio to be an orphan as Geppetto will have only a few more good
years left in him before he dies as old men were accustomed to do at the
What will happen to Pinocchio then? An
orphanage? What will the sisters say when he tells them that he was created
out of wood and was turned into a real boy through "ungodly" magic? T'will
be the sanitarium after that, if he's not just whipped and burned outright.
You might think that my prediction of gloom
and doom might be a little far-fetched, but think about the Pinocchio from
Shrek? Know who's missing? Geppetto!
Dear lord, please let my heart hold out until
Pinocchio is old enough to take care of himself. Please don't let my mind go
to Alzheimer's and please let my heart hold out until Pinocchio is old
enough to take care of himself.
#6. 101 Dalmatians Cost Pongo
Let's look at the
situation here. Pongo and Purty have ten puppies together which is fine and
good. Hey, these things happen and they are Dalmatians which means you could
sell the pups for a tidy profit which would come in handy if your husband is
a shitty songwriter.
But then here comes Cruella De Vil and fucks everything up. Not really in
the fact that she wants to skin the puppies and make a coat of out them, but
the fact that she ends up - through no real fault of her own - dropping
eighty-nine puppies in these poor people's laps bringing the total number of
dogs to 101 which would explain why the movie is titled 101 Dalmatians.
But here comes the horrible truth. Do you honestly believe that the owners
allowed Pongo and Purty to remain - shall we say - intact after this
incident? Hells no! You can be sure that Pongo was loaded into the car for a
"ride" and taken to have his nuts cut off. It would have been the only way,
after all. I mean, he is a horny bastard.
So, Pongo got a big family, but do you think it's worth his nuts? I imagine
not and I imagine that he bore quite a lot of bitterness towards his
gigantic family after this.
Oh, look what the vet sent us, Pongo! It's your balls!
#5: Beauty and the Beast's
Ten years we've been
rusting, needing so much more than dusting...
I quote this song to illustrate my point
about Beauty and the Beast and the hidden perversion within. We've got all
these servants in the castle all turned into household objects by a magical
spell which really sucks because it was through no fault of their own.
Seriously, why did all these enchanted
objects hang around with Beast? Would you hang around with the spoiled brat
who got you turned into a fireplace poker? I wouldn't! Circus freakshow,
here I come!
But getting back to the horrible thought
about this movie. The servants were turned into enchanted furniture and
appliances ten years ago which begs the question... where did Chip and his
brothers come from?
It's possible that Chip could be ten years
old at the most, but he looks more like he's seven or eight at the end.
Besides, if he was a little boy when he was transformed into a cup and,
assuming that his aging was magically halted, wouldn't his emotional growth
continue unhindered like that creepy girl in Interview with the Vampire?
This would mean he was born after the spell
was cast! Was Mrs. Potts getting a little candlewax in the ol' teahole
if you catch my drift? What does it look like when a teapot gets fucked by a
Let's not forget that Mrs. Potts had an
entire set of children, either. That filthy whore!
...and that's where babies come from.
#4. The Incredibles' Marriage of
Most people see the story of Mr. Incredible and Elasti-Girl as some sort of
superhero romance, but if you ask me it had to have been a marriage of
Walk with me, children... Mr. Incredible, you see, is incredibly strong. He
can crunch a car without thinking about it, he can mount all kinds of
destruction just by doing the normal things that you and I do and, if you
ask me, that includes the act of making sweet sweet love.
I'm sure you're
catching on... Mr. Incredible making love to a woman would be like shooting
her in the crotch with a machine gun and then blasting her between the legs
with a fire hose until her head exploded. It just wouldn't work without
killing the poor female and you can't tell me that Mr. Incredible can
restrain himself in the throes of passion. I just can't see that happening.
So, after killing several women with his incredi-penis, Mr. Incredible
probably had to take an oath of celibacy to keep himself from murdering with
sex again. This is probably why he took up crime-fighting as a way to make
up for all the death and destruction his dick caused.
Then he met Elasti-Girl. She was beautiful, had a nice personality, and best
of all... Mr. Incredible couldn't kill her with an erection. I'm sure there
is a spark of love in there somewhere at first, but you know that the entire
time that Mr. Incredible was courting her, all he could think about was,
"Holy shit! I can totally fuck this broad!" That's all that was on his mind!
Why else be completely unconcerned about getting to your own wedding on
time? He didn't care about the ceremony, he was just waiting for the
And, my God, can you imagine what that night of sex must have looked like?
Mr. Incredible, releasing years of pent up frustration, probably took Elasti-Girl
and pounded the shit out of her and Elasti-Girl, able to bend and morph in
any position, probably made him scream like a banshee.
I'm sure he probably cried afterwards, begging forgiveness for all of the
women his libido murdered. .
#3. Gaston is Not the Bad Guy in
Beauty and the Beast
Quick! What was the name of the villain from Beauty and the Beast? If you
said Gaston, fuck you, you're wrong! Gaston was just some dumb prick who
wanted to tear up Belle's vagina. The real villain of the story is The
Remember the opening monologue?
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining
castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was
spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter's night, an old beggar
woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter
from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered
at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be
deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed
her again, the old woman's ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful
enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had
seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed
him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all
who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself
inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside
world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would
bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her
love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be
broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the
years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever
learn to love a beast?
right, let's think about this: Lumier sings in "Be Our Guest" that "Ten
years we've been rusting..." meaning that, since the Beast is about to
celebrate his 21st birthday, he was cursed at the age of eleven. Let that
marinate for a moment: This Enchantress cursed an eleven year old boy
because he was unkind! He's fucking eleven years old! I've never met
an eleven year-old who wasn't unkind! That's part of being an
Besides, this bitch shows up looking like
an ugly old woman at his place and says, "Hey, let me spend the night in
your house and I'll give you this rose." I challenge anyone reading this to
honestly say that they would actually allow a strange old woman into your
house. I think not. I guess that makes you "unkind" too. Let's also not
forget that this kid is ELEVEN FUCKING YEARS OLD and he's probably
been told a million times not to talk to strangers.
So, this Enchantress who has apparently
been going door to door doling out judgments and punishments under no one
authority but her own, turns this poor eleven year old kid into a beast.
Does she stop there? Oh no... For this Enchantress is a vicious cunt who not
only turns children into monsters, but also turns servants who were doing
nothing but their jobs for meager wages into talking clocks, teapots,
What a bitch!
This makes me wonder... what if Cogsworth
was only a few days away from retirement or Lumier was engaged to a hot
piece of ass in the next town? Sorry guys, you're going to spend the next
ten years as talking knickknacks because the kid you work for didn't allow a
stranger with a flower into his house!
Of course, she gives the poor kid a
stipulation through which he can escape her judgmental wrath and that is
that he has to love and be loved in return before his 21st birthday. Let's
not forget, though, that she has transformed into into a GODDAMN BEAST!!! AT
THE AGE OF ELEVEN! Now, he will have to go through puberty as a beast with
nothing but desperate servants in the guises of dresser drawers and cups to
talk him through the birds and the bees. The poor kid can't even beat off in
his bathroom because his goddamn toothbrush is watching him and making a
Next, she plans to smite a baby for
shitting its diaper.
Not to mention that this eleven year old
kid who has been turned into a half-man half-bear half-goat thing is going
to have to get some chick to love him. Doing that as a beast is like trying
to eat soup with a fork!
What sort of perverted moral compass was
this bitch Enchantress working with? You'd think that she's at least have
the goddamn decency to show up at one point and give some sort of meaning to
the horrible existence she curses so many innocent people with, but she's a
no-show coward throughout the whole movie.
#2. Mushu is a Murderer
Mushu is adorable
and, arguably, one of the last worthwhile things that Eddie Murphy was ever
involved with. His teeny tiny dragon sidekick was a constant source of
amusement and warmth in this action adventure cross-dressing movie.
So it's perfectly understandable that we're
willing to forgive the fact that Mushu is a stone cold murderer.
Oh, that's right... you forgot, didn't you?
Not only was he responsible for the beheading of one of Mulan's ancestors,
but he fucking kills the Great Stone Dragon, the spirit guardian of the Faa
family. Not only does he kill the family's only competent protector, but he
uses the poor creature's severed head to cover up his despicable crime.
After this brutal act of dismemberment
against a fellow dragon, does Mushu actually express some sort of remorse?
Oh no, he immediately starts to turn the situation to his own advantage to
get in good with the Faa ancestors! Never once is he called out for the
murder, never once does he have to answer for it, and never once does anyone
say, "Hey, why is there a severed dragon head in the garden?"
This is like Spock killing Kirk and
Starfleet deciding to give him command of the Enterprise!
Do you want to fuck me? I said, do you want to fuck me? I'd
#1. A Bugs Life... of FAMILY GROUP
I've seen lots of hate for A Bug's Life lately, and it's completely unfair.
Sure, it may be the third weakest of the Pixar movies (Thanks both shitty
Cars movies), but that's like saying that Miss January gives the third
weakest blow job from the entire calendar. Frankly, you're lucky you have it
However, below the glitz and glamour of
what is A Bug's Life, you find the seedy underbelly of what makes this
adventure truly disturbing.
The movie is about an ant colony and, as we
all know, an ant colony has a queen: a sex starved whore who gives birth to
every single one of the motherfuckers.
"Did someone say 'fuck?'"
That means that everyone... and I mean
everyone in the colony is a brother or sister and that means that Flick
and Adda's budding romance at the end of the movie is West Virgina special.
Of course, with incest, I suppose
everything is relative.
The alternative, I suppose, is for Adda to just say forget it and not go out
and fuck her brother as approximately 92 percent of everyone who visits this
website does every day. That would mean, though, that she would have to mate
with the king of the colony and take her mom's sloppy seconds. Some
big-balled low-hanging wrinkly old fart groping and crawling all over her
every night. It's no wonder that, out of her millions of sisters, no one
else is eager to take the job.
"Bitch, get your ass to the bedroom and
let's make some babies!"