Thoughts to Ponder
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

  • I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

  • The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

  • Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

  • A day without sunshine is like, night.

  • On the other hand, you have different fingers.

  • I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

  • 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

  • 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

  • I feel like I’m diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

  • Honk if you love peace and quiet.

  • Remember, half the people you know are below average.

  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.

  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

  • The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

  • Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

  • Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

  • A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

  • Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

  • Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!

  • Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

  • Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

  • If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

  • How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…

  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?

  • How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

  • When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.

  • Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

  • The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.

  • Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don’t have film.

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

  • Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

  • Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.

  • Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic

    — Many of these quotes are by Steven Wright

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.