The Walking Dead: “The Day Will Come When You Won’t Be”

http://slightlywarped.com/the-walking-dead-the-day-will-come-when-you-wont-be/

Man.   That was… awful.   I honestly don’t know how I can be funny for this one.

(It’s never stopped you before)

YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP!

INTRO

A blood-smattered Rick looks Neegan right in the eye and tells him that he’s going to kill him.   This amuses Neegan who drags Rick into the RV because Rick’s been a naughty boy and he needs a whuppin’.  By this point, we still don’t know who Neegan’s victim is, by the way.   Why?  Because The Walking Dead apparently has Satan as a writer now.  I swear, if this cliffhanger gets any more cliffhangery we’re going to throw ourselves off that cliff or, at least, sit back in a lawn chair and watch everyone else do it.

Neegan drives Rick out to one of thirty-two of the Savior’s roadblocks that they set up last season, the one with the hanging guy, and commands Rick to fetch his axe.   Rick is then thrown to the waiting hoard and scrambles on top of the RV to get away from the zombie masses ready to feast on him.

Oh, well this is the perfect place to rest.  Why not?

It’s then that we flashback to last season finale, but rather than the crushing disappointment of realizing we have to wait months to see an answer to a craptastic cliffhanger, we see that Neegan chooses Abraham as the lucky winner who receives an all-expense paid trip to Blunt Force Trauma City.   Abraham, sadly, is no more.   Let’s take a moment to celebrate the life of this irreplaceable member of the walking dead family.

ABRAHAM MONTAGE

Once Neegan has turned Abraham’s head into a ginger smoothie, splooging his raging murder boner all over the place, Daryl makes a play and punches Neegan in the face.   Neegan doesn’t like this… Not one bit and it appears that Daryl is done for.   A million empty uteruses cry out in fear, but are suddenly silenced when Neegan teaches Daryl a lesson by smashing his bat down on Glenn’s head.   As the survivors watch in horror and with no dumpster around to save the day, Neegan kills the only Asian man on television who’s defining character trait wasn’t just being Asian.      Let us take a moment to remember, our dear friend Glenn.

GLENN MONTAGE

Rick snapps out of his flashback siesta on top of the walker-surrounded RV and, after a little gentle semi-automatic persuasion from Neegan, fights through the walker herd, retrieves Neegan’s axe, and kills some dead zombies even more deader.   The Neegan is pleased and tells Rick that he doesn’t want to kill him because he and his friends can still produce for him.  Well, most of his friends can.   Glenn and Abraham can’t.  Because they’re dead.

Neegan has brought Rick back to the kill zone and, unsatisfied by the miniscule amount of defiance that Rick is still showing in his eyes, tells Rick that he’s going to put a bullet in the back of all of his friends heads unless he cuts off Carl’s arm.   Rick is helpless… he cries.  What kind of a sick bastards would do this?   What kind of depraved being in power derives obedience by demanding that a father hurt his son?   What kind of disgusting person would come up with such a thing!

Completely broken and seeing no other recourse, Rick picks up the axe and prepares to do the deed, but Neegan stops him, satisfied that he has skull-fucked the last of the defiance from his eyes.  Rick watches helplessly as Neegan has Daryl put into the back of a van and taken away because he likes him.   He… really likes him.   How could he not?

Left alone, Maggie remembers that she’s pregnant and in distress and decides that she’s going to go to Hilltop for help on her own, blaming herself for Glenn and Abraham’s bashing since they wouldn’t have been out if it wasn’t for her.   The gang refuses because they are all a family and, picking up the fallen members of their family, they journey home.   A lone zombie appears from the woods as they leave and begins to eat on the chunks of Glenn left behind… but we all know he’ll only be hungry an hour later.

REVIEW

This was simply not okay.

I’ve made it no secret that I absolutely hated the finale of last season and that I consider it cheap and gimmicky at best, but I do have to hand it to the Walking Dead, this episode paid if off in a way that I didn’t think was possible.    It was brutal, it was heartbreaking, it was sickening…. This was television that made me feel in ways I had forgotten television could make me feel.

The lineup and executions were masterfully shot, edited, and scored… they were tense and heart pounding, dripping with anguish and dread and only got more intense as the sequence went by.    I must admit, for all of the joking I did during the recap, I loved these characters.   Good television makes you care for the people you see on the screen and, for all the show’s missteps, I loved Glenn and Abraham and their deaths were felt and felt hard.    This is The Walking Dead’s 9/11 event and it will never be the same for these people.   It’s almost like a soft reboot of sorts.

Andrew Lincoln and Jeffery Dead Morgan were the dynamic duo this week as Neegan was the charismatic wolf and Rick was the defiant sheep.   Seeing Rick dissected slowly by Neegan was excruciating… like seeing a respected general get turned into a pulsating sack of protoplasm.    Lincoln and Morgan were the top players, but the MVP has got to be that legendary snotball that came out of Rick’s nose.

This was an episode that thrived on keeping the audience uneasy and off guard and it worked so so well.  I would sell my soul if I hadn’t already sold it for a Klondike bar, to have made this the finale last season, but since we can’t change the past, we must look to the future.   Neegan has arrived and has stuck his dick right into the survivor’s pudding and I cannot wait to see the dynamic changes that he brings to the show.    This was an epic start to the season and a majestic kick to the nuts all in one.    I feel used and discarded and I shall be returning next week to my daddy to get myself teached another lesson.

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About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.
  • Shane

    “but the MVP has got to be that legendary snotball that came out of Rick’s nose.” Hahahaha! Agreed. This review was perfect, spoken from one fan to another. Well said. Now (and I have NOT read the novel), somehow, someway, I hope that the fallen are avenged with equal gusto. Cheers.