The Walking Dead: “The Cell”

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Today’s episode of The Walking Dead brought to you by ENDLESS FUCKING COMMERCIAL BREAKS!

INTRO

Daryl is in deep trouble as he is now the prisoner of the Saviors and… and… Oh… my…

SEXY DARYL SEQUENCE

I’m sorry, I got distracted there for a moment.

Daryl is the prisoner of the Saviors and he’s in for a very bad time.   Dwight, determined to break him for his lord and master, Neegan, explains the rules of the game.   Either he plays by the rules and becomes Neegan’s bitch or he ends up the main course in a zombie buffet.

Wait… what the hell is he wearing?

CHIPMUNKS JOKE

Neegan is pleased with Dwights progress and offers him free pussy because he’s Neegan and that’s the kind of thing that Neegan can do.   Dwight says no for reasons that will be expositioned later and then is called out on something called a Code Orange which, I can only assume, means that Harry Knowles has escaped his enclosure.

As Dwight leaves to take care of the Code Orange, Daryl escapes because, and I’m not kidding here, some fat fuck forgot to lock his cage door.    Daryl immediately starts looking for a way out only to run into Sherry who tells him it’s dangerous to go alone, take this.   Actually, she tells him to go back and get in his cell because whatever Neegan has put him through, it will be worse if Neegan is angered.   Daryl don’t take no advice from no woman and sees a way to escape.

MOTORCYLE LOVE GAG

And then he’s cornered.   Neegan, after showing Daryl his followers cult-like devotion to him, tells him that he has three options.  Work for him as a walker, work for him as a slave, or work for him and live like a king.   He respected Daryl’s fearlessness and spares his life, but let’s his men indulge in a little beat-down orgy at his behest.

Dwight in the meantime tracks down his Code Orange, a runaway from Neegan’s camp who won’t go back no matter what Dwight does because he has nothing left to lose.  Dwight tells him that he’ll kill everyone at the camp he ever talked to – not including Dwight, I guess, because that’s a shitty threat – and the runaway broken as ever, surrenders and opts to go back and Dwight is all like… naw.   Bang.  Dead.

After he gets back, Dwight meets Sherry on a staircase and the two have a smoke together.   Dwight asks Sherry if Neegan’s good to her and Sherry says yes.  Dwight says that they did the right thing because it’s better than being dead.

Dwight steps up his hillbilly breaking game and gives Daryl a picture of Glenn’s dead body.   Daryl looks at it and breaks down crying which serves the son of a bitch right.   YOU KILLED OUR GLENN, YOU INBRED HILLBILLY DUMBASS INCREDIBLY SEXY FUCK!

The next day, Daryl is taken in front of Neegan before who drops an awkward exposition bomb about how Dwight, his sister, and wife, Sherry, ran from the Savior’s camp and then came back and begged for forgiveness once Dwight’s sister died.   Neegan was going to kill Dwight, but Sherry offered to marry him instead and so, Neegan spared Dwight but not before hitting him with an ugly stick and by stick I mean scalding iron.

He offers Daryl another change to join him and asks who he is.   Daryl defiantly answers that his name is Daryl and is thrown back into the cell.    Daryl tells Dwight that he understands why Dwight took Neegan’s deal, because he was doing it for someone else.   Daryl on the other hand, has no one and nothing left to lose and, so, he will not break so easily.

Dwight sees the runaway he killed in the zombie yard and it’s obvious that Daryl’s words and hot naked body has got him reevaluating his life.

REVIEW TIME

This was a whole lotta nothing.  Another hour of The Walking Dead spinning its wheels and unsure of where to go next.   More of a Dwight episode than a Daryl episode and, yeah, it’s nice that The Walking Dead is trying to humanize one of their bad guys and all, but I can’t help but think it could have been done more efficiently.

The worst trait of The Walking Dead… Hell, any Walking Dead series and that goes for those shitty mini-sodes that air during commercial breaks is that the story moves at a subglacial pace.   Every little thing, every little character evolution is granted an entire episode to develop.   There is absolutely no reason they can’t cut between storylines in these episodes, but they’ve chosen this snails-pace style and this is why the series just yanks my balls in the wrong direction.   At this rate, next week’s episode will involve Father Gabriel struggling to change Judith’s diaper for an hour… an hour and a half if you could the commercial breaks.

While we’re on the subject and I know it’s not the episode’s fault, but the commercial breaks were out of control.   If AMC forcefucks any more commercial breaks into an episode of The Walking Dead, they’re going to have to give Matthew McConoughey guest credit.  AMC, do us all a favor, and stop being such money-hunger cock-gobblers?

I’m not going to sit here and say that this was a bad episode or a waste of time because it was strongly acted and wonderfully shot, but I will tell you it was boring and there was no reason it had to be.   Hopefully, this is just world-building and things will start happening next week.

Thank you for watching, if you enjoyed this recap and review and want to see more, I’ll give you more.   I’ll give you so much more than you’ll scream in pain and pleasure.   Just click that subscribe button, you dirty whore.   I know you want it.   If you didn’t like this video, remember my name is Ray William Johnson.   Want to like us on Facebook?   You can like us on Facebook.  You can like us so hard!    But remember, nothing says you love Jesus more than becoming a patron on our patreon page so that we can bring you higher-quality episodes with better microphones and more effort and better microphones.   Joins us next week for another episode of The Walking Dead!

 

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.