The Walking Dead: “Last Day on Earth”

http://slightlywarped.com/the-walking-dead-last-day-on-earth/
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Morgan is out hunting for Carol who has undergone a crisis of consciousness in regards to her transforming into a cold-blooded killing machine and has gone straight up suicidal because, after all, what else do the fans of The Walking Dead want to see other than Carol return to her role as a shrinking violet?   Morgan, however, loves life and wants to help her.   He also loves this horse.   It’s not natural, I tell you.

Meanwhile, the Saviors catch some poor bastard and drag him out into the road to serve as an example.   And then they wait.

Meanwhile, Maggie’s pregnancy is going bananas and the gang have to get her to Hilltop as quickly as possible, but that won’t be easy with the Saviors out there waiting for them and Glenn, Michonne, Rosita, and Daryl still missing, but Rick ain’t about to let a thing like danger and common sense get in his way.

**Crickets sound effects over waiting Saviors**

Neither is Carl who is also going on the trip.  Enid wants to go to and Carl seems to agree, but then he locks her in a closet and leaves her there to await a cold and lonely death by starvation in the likely event that they don’t make it back.   Seriously, I hope he told someone she’s in there.

The gang takes off in Dale’s RV Version 2.0 and it isn’t long until they encounter the Saviors who have been waiting the them the whole time.   Rick and the Saviors have a short and civil conversation.

**I’m not your friend, buddy.  I’m not your buddy, guy**

At an impasse, Rick and his buddies back off and try and find a different route.

On that route they find another roadblock.

Carol and Morgan have a disagreement.   Morgan wants Carol to come home, but Carol doesn’t.

**I’m not your friend, buddy.  I’m not your buddy, guy**

A little while later, Morgan goes out to kill zombies that weren’t bothering them because we, as viewers, need to be reminded what this show is about from time to time.   When he gets back to the hideout, he discovers that Carol has predictably vamoosed.

The RV encounters a really keen fence of walkers including one that’s totally stealing Michonne’s look.  The gang is fired upon, but Rick manages to break the Walker’s chain and they drive the RV right through like they probably could have done anyway without actually getting out of the RV and stepping into danger.

**Enid in closet**

And then they find ANOTHER GODDAMN Savior roadblock.   The saviors hang a guy because intimidation and Rick and the others begin to sense a pattern to the Savior’s attacks.    Too bad they didn’t remember THIS pattern… again.   I give up.  These guys just deserve whatever they’re bumbling into.

Carol is attacked by the asshole she shot in the last episode and who wants to be there when she dies.   Since he’s dying himself, he decides to speed the process along by shooting her, but Carol, being the indestructible badass that she is, finds that the bullets only tickle and she laughs.   The attacker, frozen in fear and soiling his pants, decides to walk away but Carol shames him to come back, be a man, and finish the job and that’s when Morgan appears and violates his no-kill policy by shooting the man fatally to death.   Before he can check on Carol, two guys in armor and reeking of tiger piss appear and offers to take them somewhere to get Carol help.

Have a good hiatus, guys.

**Enid in closet**

Back at the RV, Eugene decides to grow a pair and offers to drive the RV away as a distraction while the others get Maggie to Hilltop on foot.   Eugene and Abraham have a heartfelt goodbye and create closure in their relationship most likely dooming one of them to death.

Rick and the gang are walking through the deep dark woods when, you guessed it, the Saviors have the way blocked!   Jesus Christ, do these guys have magical teleporting powers?  What the fuck!?

The saviors make Rick and the others get on their knees and bring out Glenn, Daryl, Rosita, and Eugene who apparently can’t be trusted with even the simplest task.   Way to go, dickhead, you went above and beyond there, you useless sack of ass.

It’s then that we meet Neegan who gives one of the most paradoxically terrifying and sexy speeches of all time before he slaps Rick across the face with his dick and tells him to be a good boy from now on, but it’s too late… Negan has a raging murder-boner and has decided that one of Rick’s crew much pay the ultimate price for their insolence, but who could it be?   Eeenie… Meenie… Miney… Moe!

Neegan makes a surprise decision and beats the cameraman to death and, with no one left alive to film this documentary, we’re left wondering… which actor will not have his contract renewed next season?

**Enid in closet**

REVIEW

Fuck you, The Walking Dead.  Fuck you, Scott Gimple.  Fuck you, Matt Negrete.  Fuck you, Greg Nicotero.  Fuck you, AMC.   Fuck me for thinking they were going to do anything different than just baiting.  They should just call this show The Walking Bait because it seems that’s what it’s become.

I am so sick of television series giving no closure or resolution to a story because of lameass artistic reasons.  I invested in this season, I sat through Negan’s admittedly chilling and entertaining speech waiting for the dreaded moment to come when Negan beats one of the survivors with his beloved Lucille and, who does Negan pick?  We don’t know!

Fuck.  You.  The Walking Dead.

What a cheap and shitty way to end the season; like a bloody slap to the face that completely derailed and destroyed the merely average episode it came in.

Most of it was National Lampoon’s Post-Apocalyptic Vacation with the gang driving around in circles in an RV while having cock-waving contests with the Saviors, but when Negan showed up and started to talk, Jeffery Dean Morgan owned the role and owned the scene.  I have to give kudos to Andrew Lincoln too because you could tell that the situation was out of Rick’s hands and it terrified him.  The introduction of Negan was just a cool and chilling scene and I loved every tense and uncomfortable minute of it.

And then… the cliffhanger ruined it.

I don’t mind cliffhangers if they’re done well.  Who will ever forget “Mister Worf… Fire!” or “We have to go back!” or “Who shot JR?” or “Who shot Mr. Burns?”  This cliffhanger was just… bad.  It was cheap in execution, it cheated the audience, sullied the show, and exists only to give the writers more time to weasel out of any decisions they might have made and bait the audience to watch the premiere in several months time.

I often write about how bad television makes me angry, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt anger like I’ve felt upon finishing this episode.  I feel used and manipulated.  I honestly do.

This is television created by a monster that thrives on ratings and doesn’t give two shits about telling a decent story anymore.  “The Last Day on Earth” was a cheap shot, it was gimmicky, and basically straight up destroyed the very few things that the episode built in its 90 minute run.

Even the Morgan and Carol story seemed to putter out without any real resolution.  It might as well have not existed at all!

“The Last Day on Earth” was embarrassingly bad.  As a baseball analogy seems more than apt, it swung for the bleachers, but the bat slipped out of its hands and few into the dugout, killing three orphans, a nun, and Mister Rogers… only we didn’t get to see any of it, only the screams and a black screen.

I’m angry.

I’m so angry.

I’m done with this show.   I’m so done.

Come back next week when we review the season 7 premiere of the Walking Dead!   Oh, come on… I couldn’t’ stay mad at this show forever.

 

 

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About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.
  • Brad

    word.