The Savage Online Roast of Steve Bannon

http://slightlywarped.com/the-savage-online-roast-of-steve-bannon/

He looks like Louie Anderson, but if he drowned and then it took them a few days to find his corpse.

He looks like one of Baron Von Harkonnen’s rectal polyps.

This looks like the cover picture from an educational pamphlet on the dangers of drinking hand sanitizer.

He looks like that bug alien who wears that other guy like a suit in Men In Black.

He looks like the soggy end of a sack full of punched assholes.

He looks like Mace Windu just redirected his force lightning back at him.

He looks like Paul Giamatti’s less attractive older brother

He looks like a shaved gopher going into anaphylactic shock from being swarmed by angry wasps.

He looks like a collage of every dick pic in that 70s era std film we watched in health class.

He looks like a guy who just zipped up his pants while he walked away from a playground fence.

If I looked like that, I’d hate the world as well.

He looks like an oversized foreskin got the T-Virus.

He looks like his face caught on fire and they put it out with a rake.

He looks like an inside-out, de-quilled porcupine.

He looks like he went in for a lumpectomy and they removed everything except the lump.

A cabbage patch doll with a bad peanut allergy ate a Reece’s.

He looks like the world’s most hateful wad of Silly Putty after a kid played with it in the dirt.

He looks like someone drew eyes on Hunter Thompson’s liver.

He’s using his cheeks to store piles of mini bottles for the winter.

If haggis were a person.

IBS personified.

His face is so red that if you held him upside-down he’d actually get paler.

He looks like he just bravely rescued a fifth of Jack from about 10,000 fire ants.

He looks like what Quato from Total Recall would look like if he rolled around in poison ivy.

Buffalo Bill wearing Mama June’s skin in his first attempt to make a suit.

He looks like the smell you get when you wear a wet bandage for three days.

He looks like a Sith Lord, that ate another Sith Lord.

He’s the guy that dated your mom after your dad died, who just sat around the house drinking tequila and living off of dad’s life insurance payout.

Did someone dig up Philip Seymour Hoffman????

He looks like Dennis the Menace after a 28 year bender consisting of Wild Turkey, Slim Jims and Pez.

He looks like how getting kicked in the nuts feels.

He be like, “do not become addicted to water”

Bannon the loose cannon looks like he used his face to tunnel out of a FEMA camp.

He looks like a 6 year old tried to carve a jack o’ lantern… on a human face.

He looks like the love child of Pat Sajak and the wheel.

He looks like human blood would send him into toxic shock.

He looks like a pot of white gravy that was left out overnight.

He looks like the spawn of razor burn and failure.

He looks like a man who can’t remember the last time there wasn’t blood in his semen.

He looks like what happens when you eat tainted clams.

He looks like he JUST realized he’s allergic to eating feral raccoons.

If syphilis was an alcoholic.

He looks like he goes to sleep each night in an empty bathtub and wakes up each morning in a tub full of rubbing alcohol.

Like if back acne and a skin tag had a kid and pissed on it.

He looks like a used diaper that was tragically stung by 1000 bees.

He looks like he should audition for a live-action Squidbillies movie.

He looks like he’s been in the woods scrubbing off clown make up.

He looks like somebody shaved Chewbacca right after he came down with the mumps.

It looks like the polyjuice potion is about to wear off and he’s going to turn back into Putin.

These are the eyes of a man who will 100% definitely die on the toilet.

 

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.