So, have you heard about this Double Down sandwich from KFC? In case you haven’t, the good people at KFC have created a sandwich where the bread has been replaced with delicious and nutritious fried fucking chicken which is a lot like replacing Grapenuts with bacon bits and milk with gravy. Just thinking about this sandwich made my heart hurt and insides tie into knots.
I had to have one.
So, while in one of my “to hell with it, I’m too tired to cook so let’s buy a bucket of chicken for the kids” moods, I found myself in the drive-thru of one of those KFC/Taco Bell amalgamations where you can get high blood pressure in two ethnicities. There, I see it on the menu… calling my name. Two pieces of fried chicken with cheese and bacon on the inside — enough to make a vegetarian weep for days.
At first, I vowed to be good but then I thought, “Hell, I’ve lost about thirty pounds in the last three months. I deserve something completely body-wrecking in my gullet about now.” I look at my wife and say, “I’m going to try that.”
She programs 911 into her cell phone’s speed dial.
Let me put one thing in perspective for you. You know how a greasy hamburger will turn a paper bag transparent? The Double Down not only did that, but also turned a 8 inch spot on my car’s center console transparent. This thing has more grease in it than a teenager’s face and an Italian’s comb combined!
Upon reaching the house, I freed my future heart attack from its soaked wrapper and gazed at it as Romeo did gaze upon Juliet from across the Capulet’s banquet hall – meaning of course that it would be a passionate love affair and I would be dead when it was over.
The first bite was orgasmic – a carnivore’s heaven where the taste was like the laughter of children and the kisses of a thousand topless angels.
The second bite… well, not so much. You see, this was where I realized something — this thing was actually pretty fucking nasty. Why hadn’t I noticed that at first? I guess it’s like biting into a chocolate truffle. They’re small, so you don’t notice how disgustingly rich they are. Imagine a chocolate truffle the size of an iPad. Kind of turns your stomach, doesn’t it?
So, this is what I had. One bite of bliss followed by several more bites of potential future vomit and hardened arteries. And for what? A bunless sandwich where everything is deep fried? Jesus, this isn’t the State Fair!
My face turned green. The fuck was I thinking?
Then, I hear my daughter say “Oooooo!”
When you’re a dad, you realize that the word “Ooooo!” means that a child has taken a vested interest in something you are consuming. She was looking at me like I imagine a cheetah would look at a fat lost boy scout. Her dark eyes glazed over.
So, yeah, my kids disposed of this godless abomination for me. I can’t even look at a KFC anymore without getting sick at my stomach. I never thought I would ever meet the day I would encounter a food so unhealthy that even I wouldn’t eat it, but that day has come. This is the One Sandwich… the One Sandwich to Kill Us All!