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The Liam Smith Show: Episode 1.02

http://slightlywarped.com/the-liam-smith-show-episode-1-02/

Written by Jason Donner


FADE IN:
Liam's apartment.  Early morning.  Liam walks out of his bedroom wearing
cowboy pajamas.  He walks over to a fish tank and says hello to his
goldfish.

		LIAM
	Hello Fishy.  Hello Swimmy.

Liam walks over to a flower bed hanging out the window.

		LIAM
	Hello flowers.  Here's some wah-wah for you.

Liam waters the flowers and then walks over to a hamster cage.

		LIAM
	Hello Fluffy.  Would you like some nuts?

Liam puts some nuts into Fluffy's cage but notices something odd.

		LIAM
	Fluffy?  You know, I haven't seen you move in
	almost a week.  Are you okay, my cute wittle
	hamster?

Liam picks Fluffy up.

		LIAM
	Oh, no wonder you haven't moved!  You're so 
	cold... so... stiff!

The doorbell rings.  Liam takes Fluffy and answers it revealing MR.
HILTER.

		LIAM
	Oh, hello Mister Hitler.

		HILTER
	HIL-TER, Liam.

		LIAM
	Right.

		HILTER
	Liam, I'm here because I've gotten some complaints 
	about a rank odor in this part of the building and...
	[he covers his nose as the massive nasty smell]
	JESUS AGE CHRISTMAS!!!

		LIAM
	Something wrong, Mister Hilter?

		HILTER
	Yes something's wrong!  Your apartment smells 
	like a Sumo Wrestler took a dump on a burning tire!  
	No wait, it's worse than that... it smells like 
	something's been dead for a week!

		LIAM
	Dead?  What could it be?

		HILTER
		[sees Fluffy]
	Uh... Liam?

		LIAM
	Yeah?

		HILTER
	Is that an animal you are holding?

		LIAM
	Yes, it's Fluffy the hamster.  See?

Liam holds the hamster up and Hilter reacts in disgust.

		HILTER
	Good God, Liam!  Put that away!

		LIAM
	It's just a harmless hamster!

		HILTER
	It's harmless dead hamster!

		LIAM
	Huh?

		HILTER
	It's dead, Liam.  It's departed this sphere!  
	It's bought the farm!  It's morgue meat!  It's 
	worm food!  It's no longer an active member of 
	the rodent community.  It is Mortis en Extremis!

		LIAM
	What are you saying?

		HILTER
		[puts arm around Liam]
	Liam, Fluffy the Hamster... is...  dead.

		LIAM
		[makes a high-pitched squeak]
	D-D-Dead?

		HILTER
	I'm afraid so, son.

		LIAM
	Are you sure?

		HILTER
	Live animals don't shrivel up like that.  And 
	maggots are never a good sign.

Liam drops to his knees and holds Fluffy's body above him.  Music
swells.

		LIAM
	Fluffy... FLUFFY!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

		HILTER
	Don't worry, Liam.  I'll give Fluffy a proper 
	burial.

Hilter picks up Fluffy with a tissue and walks into the background and
out of sight.

		LIAM
	Yes, Mister Hilter...  send Fluffy to heaven 
	with a kiss!  Flights of angles sing thee to 
	thy rest, tiny rodent.
		[singing]
	Amazing grace.  How sweet the sound...

A toilet flush emanates from the bathroom.  Liam's eyes go wide with
terror.

		LIAM
	Fluffy!  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

--------------------------------------
OPENING TITLES
(Sung to the theme of "The Brady Bunch")

Here's the story of a guy named Liam.
Who just didn't get the clue I offered him.
He wrote... another story,
proving that he's quite dim.

Here's the story of a guy named Jason.
Who decided to get back at Liam Smith.
So he wrote... a second story,
and if you ask me, Bigfoot is just a myth!

It's Liam Smith.
It's Liam Smith.
It's time for the Liam Smith Show!

Dah, dah, dah, dah... DAH!  DAH!  DAH!  DAH!

OLÉ!

------------------------------------------------------------------------

COMMERCIAL BREAK

- An ad for Calvin Kline jeans that put 13-year-olds in porno-like
environments.
- An ad for Windows 2000.  (followed by an ad for Windows 2001)
- A PSA telling visitors to the ocean not to tinkle in the water.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"

Ed Asner as "Mister Hilter"

GUEST STARS

The Stick as "Harry the Handyman"

Calista Flockard as "The Lady in Plaid"

Rob Schneider as "The Amazing Rando"

and

David Peckinpah as "Satan"


SPECIAL APPEARANCE BY

Fluffy the Hamster

AND SPECIAL GUEST STAR

Jesse "The Body" Ventura
as
"Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura"



INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam puts Fluffy's cage in a box and tearfully puts in a box.  Doorbell
rings and he goes to answer it.  HARRY the handyman is there.

		HARRY
	Hi, Liam.

		LIAM
	Hi, Harry.

		HARRY
	There's a clog in the pipes.  I think it's 
	coming from this apartment.  Mind if I take 
	a look?

		LIAM
	No.  Go ahead.

		HARRY
		[walks into bathroom]
	Something wrong, Liam?  You seem a little down 
	in the dumps.

		LIAM
	I just had a death in the family.

		HARRY
		[from bathroom]
	Oh, Liam!  I'm so sorry.

		LIAM
	I just can't seem to get over the loss, Harry.   
	You know?  It's like, everytime I close my eyes... 
	I see him.  Everytime... in the darkness... I 
	see his face looking at me and... and... I... 
	just...
		[sniff]
	...can't stand it!

		HARRY
		[from bathroom]
	Liam, perhaps you should take the loss from a 
	different respective.

		LIAM
	A different perspective?

		HARRY
	Yeah...  just think... Your loved one is in 
	paradise now.  Nothing on earth can compare to 
	the experience of the hereafter.

		LIAM
	So... you're saying I should be happy for him?

		HARRY
	Why not?  I mean, he has no pain, no worries, 
	not a care in the world.

		LIAM
	Thanks Harry, you've made me feel so much better!

		HARRY
		[comes out of bathroom with 
		a paper sack]
	There!  I got the clog in the pipe out.  Whew!  
	Look at this nasty thing!

He shows the sack to Liam who goes white.

		HARRY
	Damn hamsters...  now THAT'S a creature 
	that's going straight to burn in the fires 
	of hell and damnation for all eternity.
		[a pause]
	Well, hope you get to feeling better... and 
	sorry about your loss.

Harry leaves.  Liam falls to his knees.

		LIAM
	Fluffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiie!!!!

FADE OUT

FADE IN
Liam's Bedroom:  It's the middle of the night and Liam tosses around
trying to sleep.  His dead hamster still weighing heavily on his mind.

		LIAM
	No... No..  No, Fluffy!  Don't go into the light!

Liam opens his eyes as a blue iridescent glow floods the room.

		LIAM
	...the hell?

LIAM'S POV
A ghost is standing over Liam's bed making a rolling motion with her
thumb and forefinger.  She is eerie, wearing plaid, and floating a few
inches off the floor.

		LIAM
	Who are you!?  What do you want!?

		GHOST
	Don't be afraid...

		LIAM
	AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Liam dives out of his bed and crashes through his door.

CUT TO
Mister Hilter's bedroom.  Mister Hilter is reading a copy of "War and
Peace" when Liam breaks down his door and hides under his covers. 
Hilter calmly puts down his book and taps Liam's shoulder.

		HILTER
	Look, Liam... I'm flattered and all, but I 
	just don't feel that way about you.  Maybe 
	if you were the last person on Earth... and, 
	believe me, that's a BIG maybe!

		LIAM
		[frightened]
	Mister Hilter!  I was lying in bed when I saw 
	this ghost who told me not to be afraid, so I 
	got scared and ran away....  You didn't tell 
	me my apartment was hah... hah... hah...

		HILTER
		[guessing]
	Hah...?  Haiku?  You're apartment is a haiku?  
	What is it?
		Pricey Smelly Dump.
		Only a dope would live there.
		Oh look, here he is!

		LIAM
	Not haiku!  HAUNTED!!!

					HILTER 
Haunted? You're telling me you saw a ghost in your apartment? 

					LIAM 
	I did! I swear it!

		HILTER
	Liam, I find that a little hard to swallow.

		LIAM
	She was floating off the floor and she was 
	dressed in plaid and she was making this 
	rolling motion with her thumb and forefinger.

Lima shows Hilter.

		HILTER
	Maybe she wants the air conditioner turned down.

		LIAM
	This is no time to joke!  I'm scared, Mister 
	Hilter.

					HILTER 
		Now, Liam my boy.... if you're on crack, you 
		can tell me. 

					LIAM 
		I'm not on crack! 

					HILTER 
		Then what is it? Smack? Dope? Downers? Blues? 

					LIAM 
	Look, forget I said anything. You got Capeman's 
	number?

		HILTER
	You couldn't afford him.  Besides, he's on a 
	book signing tour in Orlando.
		[a pause]
	It's Crank, isn't it?

		LIAM
	I am not on drugs!  Mister Hilter, I came to 
	you because you're kind and compassionate and 
	the only other two people I could turn to was 
	Harry and Chocolate Treat!

		HILTER
	Liam, I appreciate the faith you show in me, 
	my boy, but...

		LIAM
	But...?

		HILTER
	...it's two o'clock in the morning.

CUT TO:
Interior Hallway:  Mister Hilter's door opens and Lima flies face first
into the opposite wall.

		HILTER
		[from inside his apartment]
	...AND IF YOU EVER COME IN HERE AGAIN THIS LATE, 
	I'LL RIP YOUR ARMS OFF AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH 
	WITH THEM!!!

Liam gets up, dusts himself off, and walks back to his apartment.

CUT TO:
INT: LIAM'S APARTMENT - Liam opens the door and peers inside cautiously. 
Seeing no spirit, he walks inside.

		LIAM
	Maybe I imagined the whole thing.  Yeah, I'm 
	sure that's it.

Liam walks to the couch and turns on the TV.

		TV
	...no reports in yet on just how many are 
	dead in the Los Angeles earthquake that 
	stuck a few minutes ago.  Early estimates 
	are that the city was completely and totally...

CLICK!  Liam changes the channel

		TV
	...called upon for comments, Saddam Hussien 
	only said that he would release the anthrax 
	on Detroit around...

CLICK!

		TV
	...with just minutes to go until the nuclear 
	detonation over New York, all hope seems lost, 
	unless...

CLICK

		TV
	...we now return to Kari Wuher in "Bright 
	Lights, Big Titties" on Jigglevision!

		LIAM
	Kari...  Oh, Kari...

The ghost appears behind Liam and touches him on the shoulder.

		LIAM
	Kari?

Liam turns around and sees the ghost.

		LIAM
		[screams in terror]
	MAH-MAH-MOMMY!!!

Liam jumps up and crashes through his front door.  The ghost watches him
go, rolls her eyes, sighs in frustration, and vanishes.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- An ad for a Christmas CD in July.
- An ad for Fox Family Channel.  Like FOX... only dumber.
- An ad for DVD.  If you bought a DIVX, you're an idiot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT: THE INTERIOR HALLWAY
Hilter and Harry are waiting.

		HARRY
	Mister Hitler...

		HILTER
	Hilter.

		HARRY
	Whatever.  You have any idea what Liam 
	wants with us?

		HILTER
	He said he had the ultimate solution to 
	his ghost problem.

		HARRY
	Aw, he's going to burn down the apartment, 
	isn't he?

		HILTER
	I don't think so.

Liam arrives with THE AMAZING RANDO.

		HILTER
	Oh, here he is.

		HARRY
	Liam, you're not going to burn the apartment 
	down to get rid of your ghost, are you?

		LIAM
	Only if my first plan doesn't work.  Guys, 
	this is the Amazing Rano.  He's a psychic.

		HARRY
	Ah, Rano... a pleasure.

		RANDO
	Yes, I know... but enough about me.  I sense a 
	disturbance.

Rando looks at the apartment door and then at Liam.

		RANDO
	It's YOU!  Liam, what is your secret?

		LIAM
	No... no... I can't!

		RANDO
	Liam, only you can release this ghost.

		LIAM
	Okay...
		[whispers]
	I'm ready to tell you my secret now.

		RANDO
	What secret?

		LIAM
		[whispers]
	I see dead people.

		RANDO
	When?

		LIAM
		[whispers]
	All the time.

		RANDO
	COME!  Let us enter the apartment!

Rando and the others enter through the Liam-Shaped hole in the door.

INT: LIAM'S APARTMENT

		RANDO
	Is she here?

		LIAM
	No.  Not now.

		RANDO
	Good.  I shall use the Incantation of Yks!

		HILTER
	What will that do?

		RANDO
	It will summon a demon that will devour 
	the ghost's ectoplasm and leave it inert 
	and able to move to the next world.

Rando sprinkles blood on the carpet in the shape of a pentagram.

		HARRY
	Aw, I'm gonna have to clean that up!  I 
	just know it!

		RANDO
	Silence!  Now, I will use the centuries old 
	incantation to summon Valgra, the Devourer! 
	Echka!  Hichka!  LaToya!  Tito!  Jermane!

The pentagram erupts in flames and, when they subside, SATAN is standing
there.

		HILTER
	Good god!

		SATAN
	Dude, you are like... Soooooooo way off.

		RANDO
	You're not Vagra!  You look like...

		HILTER
	It's SATAN!  The Prince of Darkness!

		RANDO
	Wait a second... did I say "Hichka" on my 
	incantation or did I say "Hichya"?

		HARRY
	"Hichka"

		RANDO
	Oh hell... sorry folk, I accidentally released 
	Satan himself on the Earth Plane.  My bad.

		SATAN
	Silence, fool!

Satan conjures up twenty demons that drag the Amazing Rando into the pit
of Hades.  He then looks at Hilter, Harry, and Liam.

		SATAN
	Now, worship me or die like the rest 
	of the mortals on this puny sphere!

Liam, Hilter, and Harry huddle.

		HARRY
	What can he do, Mister Hilter?

		LIAM
	Yeah!  Capeman's out of town!  Who can 
	save us?

		HILTER
	There's only... one man who can!
		[a pause]
	...and it's "Hilter".  Not "Hitler".

Hilter pulls out a cel phone and dials.

CUT TO:
The MGM Grand.  We see reporter crowing around MINNESOTA GOVERNOR JESSE
VENTURA during a press conference.

		VENTURA
	...and, furthermore, I see nothing wrong 
	with calling women, "chicks"... and what's 
	with chicks these days?  You can't grab 
	a healthy handful of ass without them 
	looking at you like you're some kind of 
	a pervert.  Can you believe people actually 
	voted for me?  How stupid can people get?  
	And another thing...

Ventura's cel phone rings.

		VENTURA
	Oh!  Hold on a second.
		[he answers the phone]
	Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.
		[a pause]
	Hello, Mister Hitler!
		[a pause]
	Whatever.
		[a pause]
	WHAT!?  A hack wizard summoned Satan who 
	is threatening to kill you and destroy the 
	Earth unless you worship him!?  I'LL BE RIGHT 
	THERE!!!

[Ventura hangs up the phone, rips off his shirt, and darts onto the
Vegas strip.  In thirty seconds, he has made it to Liam's place]

		VENTURA
	SATAN!  DARK PRINCE!  You and me!  Right 
	here... right now!

		SATAN
	But Jesse, you've forgotten that it was 
	because of me that you were elected governor 
	of Minnesota in the first place!

		VENTURA
	NO!  Impossible!

		SATAN
	Come, come now, Jesse...  do you actually 
	think that people are blind enough to elect 
	a gun-toting, sexist, big mouthed moron like 
	you?

		LIAM
	Good lord... he's got a point!

		SATAN
	So you see, Jesse Ventura... you cannot fight 
	me.  Why, you should be thanking me!

		VENTURA
	Okay, thank you...

		SATAN
	You're wel--

Ventura kicks Satan square in the nutsack.  Satan doubles over in the
fetus position and whimpers pitifully before disappearing in a wave of
hellfire.

		LIAM
	Governor Ventura!  You saved us despite the 
	fact that Satan got you elected in the first 
	place!

		VENTURA
	Yes.  I've learned that I now hold a public 
	office and must, therefore, exercise the 
	responsibility and show the dignity that my 
	position required.  Thank you, Liam Smith.

		LIAM
	You're welcome Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.

		VENTURA
	Hail and farewell, my friends.

Ventura exits.

		LIAM
	Wow, Jesse Ventura is going to actually 
	act like a responsible public figure and 
	it's all partially thinks to me!

		HARRY
	Yes.  It's a bright day for Minnesota.

CUT TO:
EXT.  THE UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - Jesse Ventura walks to the street to
hail a taxi.

		VENTURA
	TAXI!!!

A taxi runs him over...  then another... then another... then a bus...
then a steamroller...  then a couple of cyclists... then a couple of
hookers... then a marching band.

CUT TO:
Liam's apartment - as before.

		HARRY
	Well, I'm glad THAT'S over with.

		LIAM
	Over with!?  It's not over with!  I've still 
	got a ghost in this house and I can't sleep 
	'till I know who she is and what she wants!

		HILTER
	You know, Liam... I feel for you...
		[a pause]
	...but Wheel of Fortune is on.  Bye.

Hilter and Harry leave.

		LIAM
	Rats.

------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK

- Ad for "When Skunks Attack VIII"
- An ad for the new McDonald's burger, "McSucks"
- The Taco Bell Dog.  Man, I love that dog.  He's so funny.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT LIAM'S BEDROOM - Liam is lying in bed, his eyes wide open.  A blue
glow engulfs the room and Liam sees the ghost.

		LIAM
	Wha... What do I do?  What do I do?

		OBI-WAN
		[V.O.]
	Use the force, Luke.

		LIAM
	Obi-wan Kenobi?

		OBI-WAN
		[V.O.]
	What a minute... YOU'RE not Luke!  I'm 
	outta here!

		LIAM
	No, Ben!  Wait a second!  I need advise!

		OBI-WAN
		[V.O.]
	I'm busy at the moment, lad... let me see 
	who's available.  Hold on the line for a
	second.

		JAR JAR BINKS
		[V.O.]
	Mesa helping you, Liam!

		LIAM
	Jar Jar Binks?

		JAR JAR
		[V.O.]
	Whatta yousa needin?

		LIAM
	Um...  There's a ghost looking at me.

		JAR JAR
	A ghost!  Aie! Aie!  Where!?  Where!?

Liam points at the Lady in Plaid who politely waves.

		LIAM
	Right there.

		JAR JAR
		[V.O.]
	Oooo... Shesa bombad cute!  Yousa shouda 
	be talking to hersa!

		LIAM
	Talk to her?  Okay, I'll try that.  Thanks 
	Jar Jar!

		JAR JAR
		[V.O.]
	Yousa like me!

		LIAM
		[to ghost]
	Okay, ghost... what do you want?

The ghost makes the rolling motion with her thumb and forefinger.

		LIAM
	What does that mean!?

The ghost continues to make the motion.

		LIAM
	WHAT!?  WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME!?

		GHOST
	Aw, DAMMIT!  It's freezing in here!  I want 
	you to turn the air conditioner down!

		LIAM
	Oh... okay.

Liam gets out of bed and turns down the AC.

		GHOST
	Thank you.

		LIAM
	You know, you're a ghost right?  You don't 
	need to be hot or cold.

		GHOST
	Hey, you're right!  Well, I guess this 
	whole ugly incident with Satan and the 
	whole dragging the Amazing Rando to hell 
	was my bad.  Well, I'm off to the great 
	beyond.  Oh, before I go I have someone 
	who wants to say hello to you.

The ghost holds out her hands and we see that she is holding Fluffy the
Hamster.

		LIAM
	Fluffy!

		FLUFFY
	Yeah, man, it's me... Fluffy!

		LIAM
	You can talk?

		FLUFFY
	All dead animals can talk.  I've got a 
	bone to pick with you, man!  You made me 
	eat those damned nut for weeks and weeks... 
	I HATE NUTS!!!  You think I died of natural 
	causes!  Bullcrap!  I hung myself with 
	yellow yarn!  I hated being your pet, 
	Liam... and I HATE YOU!

		LIAM
		[hurt, then angry]
	Well you know what, Fluffy?  I Didn't like 
	you either!  The way you just sat there in 
	that cage... staring... eating... drinking... 
	sleeping... STINKING!  Fluffy, I'm glad 
	you're dead!

		FLUFFY
		[to the ghost]
	Honey, what do you think?

		GHOST
	I think you both need therapy.

		FLUFFY
	Can I get that in heaven?

		GHOST
		[glows red and demonic]
	Who said we were going to...  heaven?

		FLUFFY
	WHAT!?  Nooooooooooooooo!!!

Fluffy and the ghost disappear in a puff of hellfire.  Liam stares for a
second and then goes to bed.

		LIAM
	I should have known.  Would heaven allow 
	PLAID?  I don't think so.

Liam turns off the lights and go to sleep.

CUT TO:
EXT: Upda Creek Apartments - Harry is looking at the stain on the road
that used to be Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura.

		HARRY
	I just know I'm going to have to clean that up.

FADE OUT

THE END

ROLL CREDITS
About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.