Latest

The Liam Smith Show, Episode 1.01

http://slightlywarped.com/the-liam-smith-show-episode-1-01-revenge-is-sweet/


                                   THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
                            Episode 1.01 - "REVENGE IS SWEET"
                                 Written by Jason Donner
                           Based on the Script by Jason Donner

               INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT

               The apartment is bare as LIAM, DONNER, and MISTER HILTER
               enter.  Liam is holding a hamster cage inside which, we see
               FLUFFY THE HAMSTER.

                                   HILTER
                         No large pets, no loud noise, no
                         wild orgies unless I'm invited and,
                         finally, no watching Suddenly
                         Susan.

                                   LIAM
                         Are the walls so thin that the
                         sound travels through them?

                                   HILTER
                         No, Liam... I just hate that show.

                                   LIAM
                         I understand, Mister Hitler.

                                   HILTER
                         Hil-ter, Liam... Mister Hil-ter. 
                         Hilter was the scourge of Europe in
                         the 30's and 40's whereas I will
                         only be the scourge of you and the
                         little world that you live in.

                                   LIAM
                         I understand.

                                   HILTER
                         I doubt that, but okay...

               Mister Hilter exits.  Liam sets the cage down and, strangely,
               the hamster appears to give him the finger.

                                   DONNER
                         So, Liam... What do you think of
                         Las Vegas so far?

                                   LIAM
                         It's hot, it's loud, it's tacky,
                         and it's just a glorified tourist
                         trap built on the bodies of the
                         victims of the mafia.

                                   DONNER
                         Great, ain't it?

                                   LIAM
                         Look, I really could have never
                         moved here if you hadn't floated me
                         the loan.

                                   DONNER
                         Yeah, yeah, yeah...

                                   LIAM
                         I mean, don't take this the wrong
                         way, Donner... But I've heard
                         things about you.

                                   DONNER
                         Look, if this is about the time at
                         Michael Jackson's with the bones of
                         the elephant man in the hyperbolic
                         chamber, it was my first time on
                         ecstasy!

                                   LIAM
                         No, not that... I mean, I've always
                         heard that you, the head of Donco
                         industries, was always kind of a
                         tightwad.

                                   DONNER
                         A tightwad?

                                   LIAM
                         Yeah... I mean, the common joke is
                         that your so tight, if you shoved a
                         hunk of coal up your ass you'd get
                         a diamond in three weeks. 

               Donner writes that down.

                                   DONNER
                         Three weeks you say?
                             (a Beat)
                         Well, to be honest I'm a rich man,
                         Liam... And I love money.  Money is
                         what powers the world and, most
                         importantly, makes we attractive to
                         big busty women.

                                   LIAM
                         Then why did you give me the loan?

                                   DONNER
                         I didn't... It was a clerical error
                         or something.  I'm just too damn
                         lazy to fix the paperwork. 
                         Besides, what's a couple of
                         thousand to a billionaire such as
                         myself.  Does that make you
                         jealous?

                                   LIAM
                         Kind of.

                                   DONNER
                         Then I have done my job well... 
                         Good day, Liam and WELCOME TO LAS
                         VEGAS!

               Donner dramatically exits.

                                   LIAM
                         He seems nice.

               Liam opens his window revealing the city of Las Vegas.  ZZ
               Top's 'Viva Las Vegas' begins to play.

                                   LIAM
                         Cooooooooool.

               There is a knock at the door.

                                   LIAM
                         Gee, I wonder who that could be?

               Liam goes to the door and opens it revealing a large black
               sinister shadow in the doorway.

                                   LIAM
                         Ah, I see... Big city lesson number
                         one, always look through the
                         peephole before you answer the
                         door.

               A giant club knocks Liam in the head.  Liam goes down.  A
               hand grabs Liam by the hair on his head and drags him out the
               door.  The camera moves to include the cage of Fluffy as the
               door slams.  Fluffy seems to smile as we...

                                                       FADE OUT:

               ---
               Meet Liam who's walking on thin ice,
               He wrote a show that wasn't nice,
               But now I'm going to make him pay,
               He'll be broke down, he'll rue the day,
               Cause he pissed me off...
               Oh, He's Liiiiiiam!
               He's very Liam, and he'll see...
               That he shouldn't mess...
               With...
               Meeeeeeeeeeeee!!!
               Olé!
               ---
                                   THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

                                         STARRING

                                       Dian Bachar
                                            As
                                       "LIAM SMITH"

                                           And
                                         Ed Asner
                                            As
                                     "MISTER HILTER"

                                      ALSO STARRING

                                       Jason Donner
                                            As
                                         "DONNER"

                                          RuPaul
                                            As
                                    "CHOCOLATE TREAT"

                                           And
                                       John Goodman
                                            As
                                         "ELVIS"

                                      GUEST STARRING

                                    Siegfried and Roy

                                           And
                                       Ginger Spice
                                            As
                                       "SPICEZILLA"


               INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

               Liam is chained up as the camera starts to zoom back.  He has
               been striped to his boxers and is chained to a bare brick
               wall as whips, tooth screws, and various other implements of
               torture are littered around the room.

                                   LIAM
                         Well...
                             (a beat)
                         Uh-huh...

               A shadow overtakes him.

                                   VOICE
                         LIAM SMITH!  I HAVE BEEN WATCHING
                         YOU!

                                   LIAM
                         Oh, isn't that nice?

                                   VOICE
                         PREPARE FOR A NEW LIFE OF PAIN!

                                   LIAM
                         Do I have to?  I mean, I just
                         graduated high school and took a
                         year of technical school and I...
                             (beat)
                         Wait a minute... Why are you tied
                         up and who am I?

                                   VOICE
                         DON'T YOU MEAN, WHY ARE YOU TIED UP
                         AND WHO AM I?

                                   LIAM
                         Duh... That's what I said.

                                   VOICE
                         BUT YOU...?  OH, FORGET IT.

                                   LIAM
                         Look, can you let me go now?  I
                         mean this is really starting to
                         creep me out.

                                   VOICE
                         WHAT?  YOU MEAN YOU ARE NOT EXCITED
                         OR TURNED ON?

                                   LIAM
                             (scoffs)
                         Tuh... No.

                                   VOICE
                         DAMN...  HOLD ON JUST A SECOND.

               The light is turned on revealing CHOCOLATE TREAT, an
               amazonian hooker.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         That always worked with Jean Claude
                         Van Damme.

                                   LIAM
                         Hey, you're a...
                             (a beat)
                         Wo...
                             (a beat)
                         A ma...
                             (a beat)
                         A bo...
                             (a beat)
                         A gir...
                             (a beat)
                         You're a...?
                             (a beat)
                         What the hell are you?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         I have been known by many names...
                         The desired, the temptress, the
                         sexorcizor!  To you, I shall be
                         known as CHOCOLATE TREAT!

               Lightning flash.

                                   LIAM
                         W-What are you going to do to me?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         I'm going to make you suffer a fate
                         worse than death... A horror so
                         imaginable that men go mad from the
                         mere mention of it!

                                   LIAM
                         Huh?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         I'm going to have SEX WITH YOU!!!

                                   LIAM
                         NOOOOOOO!!!

               Lightning flash.

               INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT

               Mister Hilter is standing in the middle of the room when
               Donner enters.

                                   DONNER
                         Oh, by the way, Liam I...

                                   HILTER
                         Liam's gone.

                                   DONNER
                         Gone?

                                   HILTER
                         No, gone.

                                   DONNER
                         What do you mean?  Did he go out of
                         lunch, to the store, to the
                         casinos, to the...?

                                   HILTER
                         He was kidnapped.

                                   DONNER
                         Kidnapped?

                                   HILTER
                         No, kidnapped.

                                   DONNER
                         By who?

                                   HILTER
                         Whom.

                                   DONNER
                         Whom?

                                   HILTER
                         I don't know, yet... But I did find
                         these clues.

               Hilter and Donner walk over to a large table.

                                   DONNER
                         Where did this table come from?

                                   HILTER
                         Trust me, it's a story so horrible
                         that to tell you would mean that
                         you would go mad and wouldn't sleep
                         for a week!  Kid, you don't want to
                         know.

                                   DONNER
                         Uh-huh.

                                   HILTER
                         Observe.

               Donner looks confused.

                                   HILTER
                         Look.

                                   DONNER
                         Oh.

                                   HILTER
                         Here we have a blonde wig, a bottle
                         of fire engine red lipstick, and
                         green Lee Press-On Nails.

                                   DONNER
                         Why, those are favored by hookers.
                             (a beat)
                         So I hear.

                                   HILTER
                         A hooker...  We only have one
                         hooker in the building, a possible
                         transvestite named Chocolate Treat.

                                   DONNER
                         So what does that mean, Mister
                         Hitler?

                                   HILTER
                         Hil-ter, Donner.  HILL-TUR!!!
                             (a beat)
                         My God... If what I have suspected
                         these last few years is true, then
                         Liam is in great danger!

                                   DONNER
                         He is?  Why!?

                                   HILTER
                         I can't tell you now!  Come with
                         me!

               Hilter runs out the door.

                                   DONNER
                         You can't TELL ME!?  What are you
                         trying to do?  Build suspense?

                                   HILTER
                             (off screen)
                         NOW!

                                   DONNER
                         Nah!

               Donner runs after him.

               INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

               Chocolate Treat looms over Liam.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Prepare yourself for the ultimate
                         lay!

                                   LIAM
                         GAH!  Wait... My life is flashing
                         before my eyes!

                                                       RIPPLE DISSOLVE
                                                       TO:

               INT. A BEDROOM

               Liam is dancing alone with a teddy bear.

                                                       RIPPLE DISSOLVE
                                                       TO:

               INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

               As before.

                                   LIAM
                         Ah, prom night.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Are you done?

                                   LIAM
                         Uh... Would it matter if I wasn't?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         No.

                                   LIAM
                         Then I'm done.

               Chocolate Treat advances on Liam when all of the sudden,
               Mister Hilter and Donner break down the door.

                                   HILTER
                         HARLOT!  TEMPTRESS!  Your time is
                         nigh!

                                   DONNER
                         Yeah!  All that crap he just said!

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Fools!  You are no match for my
                         sexual prowess and siren-like draw!

                                   HILTER
                         Oh, yes we are, Chocolate Treat!  I
                         know about you!  I know ALL about
                         you!

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         In that case, I shall have to KILL
                         YOU!!!  HA! HA! HA! HA!

               Chocolate Treat leaps towards Hilter who stops her in midair
               with a small wooden cross.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         GAH, MY EYES!

                                   LIAM
                         What, is she a vampire?  Is the
                         cross too pure for her to look at?

                                   HILTER
                         No, I just had it laminated. 
                         Donner, quick!  Give me the sacred
                         tome!

                                   DONNER
                         The what?

                                   HILTER
                         Time Life Mysteries of the Unknown,
                         Volume Fourteen.

               Donner looks in the bag

                                   DONNER
                         The Riddle of the Bermuda Triangle?

                                   HILTER
                         No, Fourteen!  Fourteen!

                                   DONNER
                             (looks)
                         The Enigma of Area 51?

               Chocolate Treat grabs Mister Hilter and begins to throttle
               him.

                                   HILTER
                         GAK!  GEK GAH GRIGHT GOK!

                                   DONNER
                         What?

                                   HILTER
                         GOOL GUH GORE GEEN!

                                   DONNER
                         I can't understand you!

                                   LIAM
                         I think he said, "Cool the door
                         beam."

                                   DONNER
                         With what?  Like ice or something?

               Mister Hilter rolls his eyes and resorts to charades.

                                   LIAM
                         Ooo!  Ooo!  First word!

                                   DONNER
                         I hate this game.

                                   LIAM
                         Sounds like...

               Hilter makes knitting motions.

                                   DONNER
                         Crochet!

                                   LIAM
                         Sew!

                                   DONNER
                         Needle and thread!

                                   LIAM
                         Macramé!

                                   DONNER
                         Knit?

               Hilter gives an affirmative signal.

                                   LIAM
                         Bit, hit, zit, fit, get...

               Hilter nods frantically.

                                   DONNER
                         Get?

                                   LIAM
                         All right, second word!

                                   DONNER
                         Sounds like... Oh, look!  Couldn't
                         we just play Pictionary?

               Donner hands Hilter a magic marker.  Hitler writes "GET THE
               DAMN BOOK, VOLUME 14" across Chocolate Treats face.

                                   DONNER
                         See, now how would you have
                         signaled "volume" in charades?

                                   LIAM
                         Donner, I think he wants volume 14
                         of his Time Life Books.

                                   DONNER
                         Oh, that?

               Donner digs through the pack as Hilter gasps for breath.

                                   DONNER
                         Lets see, "UFO and Aliens", "The
                         Secrets of Atlantis", "Why Are Hot
                         Dog Buns Sold in Packs of Six While
                         Hot Dog Wieners Are Sold in Packs
                         of Eight"...  AH!  Here we go,
                         Volume 14 "Spells and
                         Incantations".

               Donner flips through the book.

                                   DONNER
                         Which one?

               Hilter scribbles a note on Chocolate Treat's breasts that
               says "PAGE 45!"

                                   DONNER
                         Okay...
                             (he finds it)
                         Ah, here we are.  I guess you want
                         me to read it, right?

               Hilter weakly nods.

                                   DONNER
                         Very well.  "Ping drobba fit-fit
                         fit ingilwarp carcinoma".

               Nothing happens.

                                   DONNER
                         Maybe you should look into a
                         refund?
                             (he reads some more)
                         Oh, here's the catch... This spell
                         has to be read by a virgin or an
                         elder.  Where am I going to find
                         either one of those?

               Liam sighs

                                   LIAM
                         Bring it here.

                                   DONNER
                         But Liam, YOU'RE not an elder.

               Liam is silent

                                   DONNER
                         What are you trying to say, Liam?

                                   LIAM
                         I'm a... 

                                   DONNER
                         You're a what?

                                   LIAM
                             (mumbles)
                         ...virgin.

                                   DONNER
                         I didn't quite catch that.

                                   LIAM
                         I'M A VIRGIN!!!

                                                       CUT TO:

               A newspaper flies up to the camera with the headline "NEW KID
               IN TOWN A VIRGIN!" and "LOCAL MAN SETS NEW RECORD FOR LONGEST
               TIME WITHOUT OXYGEN"

                                                       CUT TO:

               INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

               As before.

                                   DONNER
                         Oh, you're a VIRGIN!  Well, why
                         didn't you say so?  Here... Read
                         this spell.

               Donner shows Liam the book.  Liam reads.

                                   LIAM
                         Ping drobba fit-fit-fit ingilwarp
                         carcinoma.

               Chocolate Treat releases Mister Hilter who immediately begins
               to suck in as much oxygen as he can.

                                   HILTER
                         AIR!  PRECIOUS DELICIOUS AIR!

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         WHAT THE... NO!!!

               Chocolate Treat begins to glow and seems to explode with
               power.  As the light fades, she falls to the floor.  Mister
               Hilter catches her.

                                   DONNER
                         All right!  Let's kill her!

               He prepares to beat her head in with a rock, but Hilter stops
               him.

                                   HILTER
                         No!  We can't take retribution to
                         this poor woman...  Or whatever
                         because she was only an unwilling
                         host to the evil.
                             (a pause)
                         Donner, come here.

                                   DONNER
                         Yo?

               Mister Hilter smacks him in the face.

                                   DONNER
                         Ow!  What was that for?

                                   HILTER
                         If you have to ask, you'll never
                         know!

               Liam walks into frame.

                                   LIAM
                         So, you're saying that Chocolate
                         Treat was possessed by some kind of
                         demon?

                                   HILTER
                         More than one, actually, I've
                         suspected it for some time now
                         and...
                             (a beat)
                         Wait a minute... How did you get
                         out of your chains?

                                   LIAM
                         I...
                             (a blank look)
                         Huh?

                                   HILTER
                         Nevermind.  Regardless, we aren't
                         out of danger yet.

                                   DONNER
                         We're not?

                                   HILTER
                         No... Now that the evil is loose,
                         there's no telling what it can do!

               Chocolate Treat stirs.

                                   HILTER
                         Whoa, take it easy there, sir... I
                         Mean, ma'am... I mean... Uh... Take
                         it easy.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Oh, my... My... My... You got those
                         horrible demon thingies out of me,
                         didn't you?

                                   DONNER
                         Actually, it was Liam, the virgin. 
                         That Liam right there.  He's a
                         virgin, you know.

               Suddenly, three demons appear in the room.  ZORN, GRAK, And
               RHIBINUIKOS.

                                   ZORN
                         I AM ZORN, THE UNSPEAKABLE!

                                   GRAK
                         I AM GRAK, THE UNMERCIFUL!

                                   RHIBINUIKOS
                         AND I AM RHIBINUIKOS, THE
                         UNPRONOUNCEABLE!

                                   ZORN
                         TOGETHER, WE ARE...

                                   ALL DEMONS
                         LEGION!

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         You're the bastards that've been
                         possessing my bodacious body?  Oo,
                         that just makes me hot under the
                         collar!

                                   ZORN
                         We have been angered!

                                   GRAK
                         And because of that, we will
                         destroy the surface world!

                                   RHIBINUIKOS
                         Choose.

                                   LIAM
                         Bless you.

                                   RHIBINUIKOS
                         No, idiot!  Choose the destroyer!

                                   LIAM
                         Huh?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Oh, I get it!  This is like
                         Ghostbusters where Zool came out
                         and told the Ghostbusters to choose
                         the form of their destructor and
                         they chose the Stay Puft
                         Marshmallow man!

                                   HILTER
                         Of course!  Everyone clear your
                         thoughts!  If we clear our
                         thoughts, then...

                                   ZORN
                         The destructor has been chosen!

                                   HILTER
                         What?

                                   DONNER
                         Oops.

                                   HILTER
                         Donner!

                                   DONNER
                         Sorry.

               The demons vanish.  There is a commotion outside.  Everyone
               rushes to the door.

                                   HILTER
                         Oh my God!

                                   DONNER
                         It can't be!

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         It's...

                                   LIAM
                         SPICEZILLA!

               EXT. LAS VEGAS

               A hundred foot tall GINGER SPICE is destroying all of Las
               Vegas.

               INT. A CHAMBER OF TORTURE

               As before.

                                   DONNER
                         Don't look at me like that!  You
                         try to get that damn "Wannabe" song
                         out of YOUR head.

                                   HILTER
                         Sh*t!

               EXT. LAS VEGAS

               Spicezilla continues her rampage through the city.  First,
               she topples the Stratosphere, she burns the Westward Ho, and
               smashes the Silver Dollar.  Dozens of geeks flee the Hilton
               as she steps on The Star Trek Experience.

               EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS

               Hilter, Liam, Donner, and Chocolate Treat rush out into the
               parking lot where they meet ELVIS.

                                   ELVIS
                         What the hell's going on out here? 
                         It's as if someone has conjured up
                         a hundred foot monster in the image
                         of Ginger Spice!

                                   DONNER
                         Yeah, that was my bad, Elvis...
                         Sorry.

                                   HILTER
                         Elvis, what are you doing out here?

                                   ELVIS
                         Eh, I just presided over a gay
                         wedding.

                                   LIAM
                         A gay wedding?  I didn't think that
                         was legal here!

                                   ELVIS
                         It's not, but as long as they pay,
                         I ain't gonna make waves.

               Siegfried and Roy skip by holding hands.

                                   LIAM
                         Well, what are we going to do about
                         Spicezilla?

                                   HILTER
                         Well, she's too powerful for us to
                         stop alone... We have to call...
                         HIM!

                                   LIAM
                         Him, who?

                                   HILTER
                         I speak of the mighty one... The
                         hero of heroes, the man with
                         gigantic gargantuan muscles... The
                         mightiest man in the universe!

                                   DONNER
                             (sigh)
                         I'll call him.

               He gets a cell phone and begins to dial.

                                   DONNER
                         1-800-CAPEMAN

                                   LIAM
                         Who the hell is Capeman?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         What do you mean, who is Capeman? 
                         Honey, Capeman is only the resident
                         superhero of Las Vegas!  He fought
                         the hounds of Cerebus!  He fended
                         off the invaders from Uranus!

                                   DONNER
                             (puts phone away)
                         He's on his way.  Excuse me... I've
                         got to pee.

               Donner runs away.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Donner's leaving?  Isn't that odd?

                                   HILTER
                         That's because he is Capeman.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Get out!

                                   HILTER
                         It's true!  This whole billionaire
                         playboy thing is all an act... Like
                         Bruce Wayne.

                                   ELVIS
                         Bruce Wayne?

                                   HILTER
                         He's Batman.

                                   LIAM
                         Oh, come on!  Bruce Wayne is NOT
                         Batman!

                                   VOICE
                         CAAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAAAAAN!

                                   HILTER
                         Ah, right on schedule.

               Capeman lands next to them.

                                   CAPEMAN
                         Greetings, puny mortals.  What
                         seems to be the problem?

                                   HILTER
                         A hundred foot Spice Girl is
                         destroying the city.

                                   CAPEMAN
                         Tuh!  Again!  All right, I'll take
                         care of it.

               Capeman prepares to leap into action, when Liam tugs on his
               cape.

                                   LIAM
                         Uh, Capeman?

                                   CAPEMAN
                         Yeah?

                                   LIAM
                         Are you really Donner?

                                   CAPEMAN
                         Yeah.

                                   LIAM
                         You are?

                                   CAPEMAN
                         No.

               Capeman flies into action.

                                   ELVIS
                         Wow, Capeman verses Spicezilla! 
                         This should be the fight of the
                         century!

               Capeman hits Spicezilla sending her high into the air.  He
               then proceeds to vaporize her with his heat vision.

                                   LIAM
                         That's it?

                                   ELVIS
                         I wanted to see the battle of the
                         century and it turned out to be a
                         two-second suck fest!

               Don King skips by.

                                   DON KING
                         I'm rich!  I'm rich!  I'm...

               BLAM!  Spicezilla's severed head crushes Don King.

                                   LIAM
                         SWEET JESUS!

               Capeman joins them.

                                   CAPEMAN
                         Ah, another villain therily
                         defeated.

               A little kid tugs on his cape.

                                   KID
                         Excuse me, Mr. Capeman, could I
                         have your autograph?

                                   CAPEMAN
                         Got ten bucks?

               The kid hands Capeman a ten and Capeman signs his name.

                                   CAPEMAN
                         There, now beat it!

               The kid runs away.

                                   CAPEMAN
                         As for me, I've got a guest shot on
                         Montel in a few minutes!  Tah-Tah!

               Capeman takes off.  Mister Hilter looks at his watch.

                                   HILTER
                         Three... Two... One...

               Donner appears wearing a Capeman mask.

                                   DONNER
                         So, what did I miss?

               Everyone looks at him.

                                   DONNER
                         What?

                                   HILTER
                         That's an... Interesting mask
                         you're wearing.

                                   DONNER
                         Oh, this?
                             (he takes it off)
                         I... Uh... Bought it and wanted ot
                         show it to Capeman.  Cool, huh?  So
                         I guess I missed him, huh?

                                   HILTER
                         Yes, Donner... You missed him.

                                   DONNER
                         Well, damn.

               Everyone stares at Donner a few more seconds and then turn
               back to the conversation.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         You all set me free from those
                         nasty demons that made me a
                         sexually starved predator.  Now, I
                         can go back to my regular job.

                                   LIAM
                         Which is?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Prostitution.

                                   HILTER
                         Figures.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Boy, being possessed was the worst
                         ten hours of my life, but thanks to
                         all of you, I'm free...
                             (a smile)
                         Especially you, Liam.

                                   LIAM
                         Aw, it was nothing.

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         Because of you and the fact that
                         you ain't never got none ever, I am
                         free and I want to repay you.

                                   LIAM
                         Repay?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         With hours upon hours of back
                         breaking, sanity shattering, earth
                         moving... SEX!

                                   LIAM
                             (a beat)
                         Uh... I have a headache?

                                   CHOCOLATE TREAT
                         You can't hide behind that excuse
                         forever, Liam!  One day... It may
                         be tomorrow or three years from
                         now, I WILL HAVE YOU!!!

                                   HILTER
                         It's good to set goals for oneself.

                                   LIAM
                         This day has been unbelievable  Is
                         Las Vegas always like this?

                                   DONNER
                         Naw...

               They all turn to go back inside.

                                   DONNER
                         Sometimes it actually gets a little
                         exciting.

                                                       FADE OUT:

               THE END

               ROLL CREDITS

 


Episode 1.01: “Revenge is Sweet”
THE ORIGINAL VERSION!
Written by Jason “Tom Cruise” DonnerNOTE: This “pilot” episode was written as a one time gig to get back at the real Liam Smith for writing his “Jay and Jason” show. This episode pretty much sucks – I freely admit that – but it also screws up continuity. My advise… pretty much ignore this one. In fact, just don’t read it unless you’re bored.

FADE IN:
We see an apartment. No furniture. The Door opens and LIAM, DONNER, and JAY walk in carrying various boxes and bags. They are followed by MR. HILTER.

HILTER
…no pets, no parties, no loud music, no
dancing, and most of all, no Suddenly Suzan. I
hate that frickin’ show.LIAM
You can count on me, Mr. Hitler.
HILTER
It’s HIL-TER. Not Hitler. Hitler was the
scourge of Europe in the 30’s and 40’s. I, on
the other hand, will only be the scourge of you
and anyone else living in this building.

LIAM
Oooooookay.

HILTER
I’ve got my eye on you, Liam Smith.

Mister Hilter storms out of the room and slams the door. A chunk of the ceiling falls and hits Liam on the head knocking him unconscious.

DONNER
[to Jay]
I don’t know about you, but I like this place!


OPENING TITLES
(Sung to the theme of the Patty Duke Show)

Meet Liam who’s walking on thin ice,
he wrote a show that wasn’t nice,
and now it’s time to get him back,
we’ve moved him to this li’l shack…
AND he’s gonna pay!

‘Cause he’s Liiiiiiam!
He’s really Liam and you’ll find…
He’s gonna pay,
He’ll rue the day,
He’d better get on his knees and pray
‘Cause he’s gonna see
that he shouldn’t mess…
…WIIIITH…
…MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

OLÉ!


COMMERCIAL BREAK

– A 4000 pound Sally Struthers trying to get you to feed the children.
– An unemployed Dion Warwick trying to get you to call Psychic Friends.
– A commercial for a FOX sitcom that will be history by next week.


THE LIAM SMITH SHOWSTARRING
Dian Bachar as “Liam Smith”
Ed Asner as “Mister Hilter”
GUEST STARS

Jason Donner as “Donner”
Jayelle Correy as herself.
RuPaul as “Chocolate Treat”
John Goodman as “Elvis”
and
Pia Zadora as “The Hopping Woman”

special appearances by
Siegfried and Roy

and special guest star
Ginger Spice as “Spicezillia”

FADE IN: Liam is on the couch (which appeared over the commercial break and, believe me, you DON’T want to know where we found it). He’s got a big bump on his head and Donner and Jay are watching the first episode of the new sit-com Jason and Jay on a TV.

JAY
Can you believe that crap like this is allowed to air?
DONNER
Well… it IS the FOX network.

JAY
True.

DONNER
I think the only thing worse than this show
would be a show solely written for revenge in
which the writer of the first show would be
subjected to all forms of various torture,
ridicule, and humiliation.

JAY
Yes, but not even FOX would stoop THAT low.

DONNER
There’s always UPN.

Liam stirs and awakens.

 

LIAM
Mommy, can I wear the jammies with the feet?
[he looks around]
Did I say anything odd?

JAY
Define odd, Liam.

LIAM
In my sleep… did I say anything about my big
mean younger sister holding my head in the
toilet and flushing it for an hour?

DONNER
No.

LIAM
How about the time some bullies in school
stripped me naked and tied me to the flag pole
upside down?

JAY
No.

LIAM
How about the time that my date for the senior
prom dumped me for another woman?

DONNER
No.

LIAM
Jammies with the feet?

JAY
Bingo.

LIAM
Ah… well… Forget about all that other stuff,
would you?

JAY
[turns off tape recorder]
Sure thing, buddy.

LIAM
[leaps off couch]
Well, let’s get me moved in, shall we?

DONNER
[with mock enthusiasm]
Oh, LET’S!

LIAM
Jay, honey, would you hand me that box.

Jay walks over and picks up a box. She starts toward Liam but looks inside the box curiously. She picks up a strange device.

 

JAY
Swedish made penis enlarger pump?

LIAM
It’s not mine! Honestly!
Liam snatches the device from Jay and puts is aside. The doorbell rings.

 

LIAM
I’ll get it.

JAY
Duh, it’s your apartment.
Liam opens the door revealing CHOCOLATE TREAT standing there a good four or five inches taller than Liam wearing a skin-tight red leather miniskirt.

 

CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hi, I’m Chocolate Treat… I live next door.

LIAM
[enchanted]
Liam Smith… I live here.

TREAT
You’re cute.

LIAM
You’re heavenly.

DONNER
Uh, Liam… I think that she’s a…

TREAT
I’ve never felt this way about another man
before.

LIAM
Me neither.

JAY
Liam, I think that’s a…

TREAT
Say you’ll marry me!

LIAM
I will! I will marry me!

DONNER
Liam, I really think you should…

LIAM
SILENCE! Can’t you see I’ve found true love?
Come with me my sweet, the Chapel O’ Love
awaits!

Liam picks up Chocolate Treat in his arms and whisks her away. Jay and Donner watches them go.

 

JAY
Is it just me, or was Chocolate Treat a…?

DONNER
It wasn’t just you.

JAY
So, what do we do now?

DONNER
I don’t know, I guess we could unpack the rest
of Liam’s stuff.

JAY
Oh, hey… YEAH! And while we’re at it, why
don’t we just paint his f-[bleep!]-king walls!

Jay give Donner an “are you stupid?” look and the two of them plop down on the couch to watch the rest of the “Jay and Jason” show.

 

DONNER
Contrived crap.

JAY
Totally unbelievable.

DONNER
Brain-numbing garbage.

JAY
You want popcorn?

DONNER
Sure.

Mister Hilter enters.

 

HILTER
Liam, you left this box of teddy bears
downstairs and… Wait a minute… Where’s
Liam?

JAY
He eloped with this tall… uh… lady next
door.

HILTER
Tall… lady?
[a look of terror washes over his face]
It’s wasn’t… Chocolate Treat, was it?

JAY
Yeah.

HILTER
Oh no! I must stop them or it will happen! It
will actually happen!

DONNER
What? What will happen?

HILTER
The end of the world!

Hilter runs out.

 

JAY
The end of the world?

DONNER
Bummer.

Music Sting
FADE OUT:


COMMERCIAL BREAK

– A preview of a Costner movie that no one will waste their money on.
– A Pontiac commercial with a Patrick Stewart voice-over.
– A commercial from the Gap featuring skinny, skanky, crack addicts.


FADE IN:
A cheap little wedding chapel in Las Vegas. Liam enters in a tuxedo and Chocolate Treat enters in a long wedding dress. Crunch and Larry are in the pews watching on. Crunch is crying.

 

LARRY
Why Crunch, I had no idea you were such a softy
at weddings.

CRUNCH
No, I just lost 40 grand at craps!

LARRY
Ouch.

Liam and Treat approach the ELVIS IMPERSONATOR presiding over the ceremony.

 

ELVIS
We are gathered here today, baby, to unite…
Elvis points at Liam.

 

LIAM
Liam Smith.

ELVIS
…and…
Elvis points to Treat.

 

TREAT
Chocolate Treat.

ELVIS
…in the bonds of holy matrimony.
[a beat]
You’re name is Chocolate Treat?

TREAT
I got the nickname in girl scouts.

LIAM
I peed on myself in scouts, so my nickname was
wee-wee!

ELVIS
That’s sad, kid.

LIAM
Can you please get on with it so I can get me
some sex?

ELVIS
All right, the short version.
[points at Liam]
Do you?

LIAM
Yes.

ELVIS
[points at Treat]
Do you?

LIAM
Yes.

ELVIS
Good. You’re married. Kiss her.
Liam and Treat kiss. Mr. Hilter runs in.

 

HILTER
NO!!! DON’T MARRY THEM!!!

ELVIS
It’s too late, I already did.

LIAM
And now I’m going to get me some sex!

HILTER
You fools! Do you have any idea what you’ve
done!?

CRUNCH
[crying]
I lost my ass in Las Vegas, man!

HILTER
Besides that!

TREAT
No.

CRUNCH
No.

ELVIS
No.

LARRY
No.

LIAM
Yes.
Everyone looks at Liam.

 

LIAM
Uh… I mean… no.

HILTER
Chocolate Treat, I was assigned to you by your
parents to make sure that you never got married.

TREAT
Oh, so that explains why you dumped boiling
grease on that old boyfriend of mine, Harvey
Firestien!

HILTER
Treat, you are part of an ancient tribe of
Canadian Druids who died out in the darks ages.

LIAM
1977?

HILTER
Right. Anyways, these Druids died out and I
swore I would make sure that you, the last
Canadian Druid never got married!

TREAT
But why?

HILTER
Because, the union of you and a man would bring
about ZORN THE UNMERCIFUL!!

LIAM
Zorn the Unmerciful? But all I want is a little
sex! Who’s Zorn the Unmerciful?
All of the sudden, flames erupt in the middle of the floor and, when they subside, three demons stand there. ZORN, HALKON, and RGIHINOB.

 

ZORN
I AM ZORN THE UNMERCIFUL!

HALKON
I AM HALKON THE UNSPEAKABLE!

RGIHINOB
AND I AM RGIHINOB THE UNPRONOUNCEABLE!

HILTER
Gasp and egads! Three demons from the pit have
come to bring about the end of all creation…
thanks to LIAM SMITH!
Everyone looks at Liam.

 

LIAM
[whining]
Hey, all I wanted was a little sex!

ZORN
Choose the form of the destroyer!

LIAM
Choose?

TREAT
Oh, I see… Liam, honey, this is like
Ghostbusters where they had to choose the form
of the hideous beast that would destroy the
world.

HILTER
RIGHT! Liam, clear your mind! Don’t think a
single…
He looks at Liam who is staring blankly.

 

HILTER
Well, no danger there.
[yells]
Everyone, don’t think a single thought! Don’t…

ZORN
The choice has been made!

HILTER
What?

CRUNCH
Sorry!

HITLER
Dammit!
Zorn and the other demons vanish. Muffled booming footsteps are heard in the background.

 

ELVIS
What’s that?

CRUNCH
It can’t be!!!
Everyone runs to a window and look outside where a thousand foot GINGER SPICE is trampling down the Vegas Strip.

 

TREAT
My god…

HILTER
…it’s…

LIAM
…SPICEZILLA!!!

MUSIC STING
FADE OUT:


COMMERCIAL BREAK

– One of the Sci-Fi Channel’s many ads to try to get people to watch the
pathetic “First Wave”.
– An ad for Frosted Flakes with a free choke-inducing toy inside.
– Another ad for “First Wave”


FADE IN:
Spicezilla is destroying Las Vegas. Dozens of nerds scramble out of the Las Vegas Hilton as The Star Trek Experience is stepped on. Spicezilla breathes on the Stratosphere which falls onto Circus Circus causing a little bitty car packed full of clowns to careen into the Mirage and get eaten by Siegfried and Roy’s white tigers. Siegfried and Roy run out of the Mirage and look at the devastation in Las Vegas.

 

SIEGFRIED
Oh, Roy! Dis is terrible!

ROY
Vhat can ve do to stop dis destruction!?
Liam, Treat, and Hilter run into them knocking them to the ground.

 

LIAM
Sorry! We didn’t see you there! We were
running from the… HEY! You’re Siegfried and
Roy! You guys are great! I’ve never seen
magicians as gay as you!

ROY
VHAT!?

LIAM
I mean it, I’ve never seen magicians as happy
and gay as you two!

SIEGFRIED
Err… right… happy and gay.
Siegfried and Roy nervously look at each other and Siegfried notices Hilter.

 

SIEGFRIED
Hilter, my old friend!

HILTER
It’s been a long time, Siegfried. Good to see
you, Roy.

ROY
Oh, Hilter, you must save us from Spicezilla!

SIEGFRIED
You are zee only von who can do it!

LIAM
Mr. Hitler! Can YOU save us from Spicezilla?

HILTER
It’s Hilter… and no, I cannot save the world
from Spicezilla. But I do know ONE MAN who can!

TREAT
Who?

HILTER
The defender of all that is good… the savior
of the downtrodden… the man with really,
really big muscles.

SIEGFRIED
Nine! You don’t mean…?

HILTER
Yes, Siegfried! I must call upon… CAPEMAN!

LIAM
Who the hell is Capeman?

Everyone stares at Liam.

TREAT
What do you mean, “who is Capeman?”. Honey,
Capeman is the resident superhero in Las Vegas.
Why, he took on the Hounds of Cerebus! He fought
the invaders from Uranus! He saved us from the
Frontier Casino Worker’s Strike!

LIAM
So, I take it that Capeman is some kind of a
superhero?

HILTER
Yes.

LIAM
So, call him!

HILTER
Siegfried… Roy… I will need your help!

SIEGFRIED
You have it!

LIAM
So how do you call Capeman, anyway?

ROY
Vith… a song!

SIEGFRIED, ROY, and HILTER
(sung to the tune of “Deck the Halls”)
Come and save us mighty Capeman
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la.
Come and save us only you can!
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la.
So we sing this silly song!
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, la.
So get your ass here. Don’t take long.
Fa, la, la, la, la. La, la, la, laaaaaaaaaa.

VOICE FROM ABOVE
CAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAAAAAAN!

SIEGFRIED
It’s Capeman!

ROY
Vee are saved!
Spicezilla’s foot smushes Siegfried and Roy. Hilter, Liam, and Treat react in horror.

 

LIAM
SWEET JESUS!
Spicezilla prepares to step on the trio when all of the sudden, the superhero CAPEMAN flies down and holds the monster’s foot in place allowing Liam, Treat, and Hilter to escape.

 

CAPEMAN
Never fear citizens! CAPEMAN is here!

TREAT
Oh, he’s so handsome!

LIAM
Hey, you’re my wife now!
Capeman throws Spicezilla into the sky and vaporizes her with his heat vision. Ashes fall all over Las Vegas. He flies down and approaches the three survivors.

 

HILTER
Wow, Capeman! You really saved the day!

CAPEMAN
Nonsense. I do this because it’s my duty!
A five-year-old boy walks up to Capeman and pulls on his tights.

 

BOY
Capeman. You’re my hero. Can I have your
autograph?

CAPEMAN
Got ten bucks?
The boy hands Capeman a ten dollar bill and gets his autograph.

 

CAPEMAN
My work is done here. Tah!
Capeman flies away leaving Hilter, Liam, and Treat standing there.

 

LIAM
[claps his hands and rubs them together]
Well, now that THAT’S out of the way, can I
please get some sex now?

TREAT
You sure can, sweet buns!
Treat and Liam join hands and skip off to the Mirage to get a room.

 

HILTER
Oh, Liam… I think I should tell you that
Chocolate Treat is a…
[a pause]
Oh, I guess he’ll find out soon enough.
A limo drives up and Donner and Jay stick their heads out the window

 

JAY
Hey, Mister Hilter. What’s the dilly-o?

HILTER
Capeman just saved Las Vegas.

DONNER
[innocently]
Capeman? Here? Reeeeeeeeally?

HILTER
Really.
[a pause]
That’s an interesting mask you have there,
Donner. It looks a lot like the one that Capeman
wears.

DONNER
[rips mask off]
Uh… yeah. They’re selling them at the Forum
Shops at Caesar’s Palace.

JAY
But we didn’t go to Cea–
Donner elbows Jay in the ribs.

 

JAY
Riiiiiiiight. Forums shops. Right.
FADE OUT


COMMERCIAL BREAK

– 5 minutes of black because some incompetent boob at the station forgot to put a tape in.


FADE IN:
The honeymoon suite of the Mirage. Liam and Treat walk into the room and Treat sits Liam onto the bed.

 


TREAT
You just sit there for a minute.

Treat begins to undress and the camera closes in on Liam who begins jumping up and down in anticipation of finally getting some sex. Shot now shows only Liam as he watches Treat disrobe.

 

LIAM
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy! Oh boy!
Oh…
[Liam’s smile disappears]
…BOY!!!???
EXT: THE MIRAGE
The song “The Crying Game” begins to play as we hear Liam’s hideous scream pour out into the Vegas night.

RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO:

Liam’s Apartment.
Liam is lying on the couch as Jay and Donner watch TV.

 

DONNER
Oh, you’re awake.

JAY
About time.

LIAM
Whu… What happened?

JAY
You got conked on the head by a piece of the
ceiling and’ve been out of it ever since.

DONNER
Yeah… you were mumbling something about
swirlies and being naked on a flagpole and
jammies with feet.

JAY
…and something about Ginger Spice.

LIAM
Man, I had the weirdest dream! I dreamed I went
to Las Vegas and married my next door neighbor
and we brought about the end of the world and…
it was weird.

JAY
Did we ask?

TV
This just in! A prison break has just occurred
in Georgia! Hundreds of inmates are running
rampant!

DONNER
[backing out of the room]
I, uh… have to go and get some air.

Donner leaves.


TV
…and here comes Capeman! The day is saved!
Anyone got a ten dollar bill?
JAY
Look, I have to leave too, Liam. Have a nice
day.
Jay leaves leaving Liam alone.

 

LIAM
Well, I’m just glad that the whole thing was a
dream and…
There is a knock at the door. Liam goes and answers it and sees…

 

CHOCOLATE TREAT
Hi, I’m your new neighbor! You’re cute!

LIAM
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
FADE TO BLACK

ROLL CREDITS

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.