Star Wars/Sliders Crossover for those who wish to read something this
dumb
Star Wars Intro
Episode 4 and 7/8
Are We Having Fun Yet?
by Greg Engel
The Sliders, travellers from another dimension, have accidentally
slid 3,000,000 years into the past, and into another galaxy, which is way
outside their 500 mile radius, due to a another radioactive fruitcake.
They quickly were befriended by Luke, Leia, and R2-D2, but then captured
by Vader who took them in for interrogation. While sitting around in the
detention block cell, they discovered a homing device placed on Quinn.
Upon hearing this Rembrandt started singing for God-knows-why.
Meanwhile, Yoda, Han, and Threepio are running away from the FORCE,
two young ladies named Shirley and Lavern, (hmmm...I wonder where they came
from) who are after Yoda. They just recently escaped from them through a
secret hyperspace route.
In another part of the galaxy, Chewbacca got his ship warmed up,
sent a telepathic message to Leia, his sister, (huh?) and took off to rescue
her and her group. It might be interesting to note that the women have been
treated rather poorly throughout this entire story. . .
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Arturo, Maggie, Wade, Quinn, Rembrandt, Luke, Leia, and Artoo are being held
in a detention cell block.
Quinn:Now that Rembrandt has stopped singing, we should investigate this
homing device.
Luke:Why?
Arturo:Because a homing device usually means somone's tracking us, that's
why, you blistering idiot!
Luke:Hey, no one's tracking me! You're the one with the homing device.
Quinn:There's still a possibility that someone's trying to find all of us.
Now, let's take a look at this thing.
Quinn and Arturo examine homing device.
Quinn:It would appear to be part of the fruitcake that Remmy took last
slide.
Arturo:Hey, look. There's a "K" on it. Now, what could that stand for?
All:Hmmmmm...
Quinn:Katzenback?
Wade:Kilroy?
Rembrandt:Keys?
Luke:Me?
Artoo:Beep-boop boop.
Leia:Luke, what did he just say?
Luke:He distinctly stated, "Beep-boop boop."
Maggie:I think she means what does that translate to in English.
Luke:Oh.
Artoo:Beep-boop boop, beeooop, whistle, toot-beep boop-boop.
Luke:He says that he's a big fan of your show and thinks that "K" probably
stands for Kro-, uhhh, Kro-agg, no, wait a minute, Kroma something, I
think.
Quinn:That could only be one thing....K-MART!!! Yes, that's it! K-mart has
been tracking us ever since we left because they want the timer to sell as
an inexpensive home Multi-Dimensional Traveling Device!! It all makes
sense!!
Arturo:I think it probably stands for Kromagg.
Wade:Ya think?
Quinn:That's it! The Kromagg's are tracking us so they can conquer our
homeworld!
Rembrandt:Gee, you're quick.
Maggie:Whoa, whoa, slow down here. Who are the Kromaggs?
Luke:Artoo says that they are these evil beings who want to conquer every
parallel earth.
Maggie:Oh.
Door opens and Darth Vader and some Stormtroopers walk in.
Vader:I have come to terminate you! (looks at Maggie) Hey! Where'd she
come from?
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Vader is sitting in his cabin, an Imperial Admiral walks up to him as
his helmet is put on. Vader spins around in his seat.
Vader:Yes, Commander?
Commander:Sir we've moved fairly deep into the hemorrhoid field. We must
retreat. The damage is too great. Considering what we've sustained, they
must have been destroyed.
Vader:Hemorrhoids do not concern me, Admiral! I use Preparation H!
Find them!
Commander:Yes, my lord.
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Han and Yoda are flying the Millenium Falcon. Threepio is being carried
along through hyperspace.
Threepio:Help!!!!!
Inside the Falcon...
Han:Did you hear something?
Yoda:I did not. But, curious, I am, as to where you are taking us.
Han:I don't know, how about Sector 12?
Yoda:Find us there, they will not, heehee!
Han:My thoughts exactly. We should be there any second now.
Meanwhile...
Chewie is racing as fast as he can towards the Super-Star Destroyer.
Computer:You are approaching an Imperial Super-Star Destroyer. You will
hit it any second now.
Meanwhile...
Vader:So who is she again?
Quinn:She's Maggie. She was put into this script by some idiot who
thought it would improve the ratings.
Vader:And how did-
Chewie's ship crashes into Vader, sending him flying across the room.
Chewie gets out and roars!
Luke:Hey! You can't just crash into a Super-Star Destroyer and
expect to make it this far in undamaged! The sheilds would have destroyed
you! Now go back and do it the right way!
Chewie takes off.
Leia:Great going, Luke! We had a chance to be rescued and you ruined
it! Good going!
Luke:Sorry...
Vader pulls himself from the wall.
Vader:Somebody is going to pay for-Ahhh!!!!!
The Millenium Falcon crashes into Chewie's ship, sending it flying back into
the Super-Star Destroyer and into Vader. The ship is now totally wrecked.
The Millenium Falcon is without a scratch, however.
Luke:Hey! You can't just-
Leia kicks Luke.
Leia:Han! Get us out of here!!
Arturo:Who's he?
Han:I'm Han Solo.
Quinn:What's that? (Points to Chewbacca)
Leia:He's my brother.
Luke:But, I thought that I-
Leia kicks Luke even harder.
Leia:Come on! Let's get out of here!
Arturo:But I have to-
Wade:Not now, Professor, we have to leave!
Han, Leia, Luke, and Wade get on board.
Arturo:But what about the-
Maggie:We don't have time for goodbyes!
Chewie, Maggie and Artoo get on board.
Arturo:But we need to get the-
Quinn:Come on Professor, we have to leave.
Quinn and Rembrandt yank Professor on board. The Falcon takes off
to light speed.
Quinn:Now, what was it you were going to say, Professor?
Arturo:I was going to say that Vader still has our timer.
Quinn:Oops.
COMMERCIAL BREAK
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Are your kids addicted to breaking out in the middle of the night and
stealing millions of dollars worth of fast food products? Find out
tommorrow on the next Sally Jesse Rapheal. Until then...
Sally:I'm Sally.
Jesse:I'm Jesse.
Rapheal:And I'm Rapheal.
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The Sliders and Han, Chewie, Luke, Leia, Artoo, Yoda, and Threepio are
all on the Millenium Falcon discussing their next move.
Luke:I say Pond to King 4.
Arturo:For the last time, you blistering idiot, we are not discussing
a chess game!!! We need to get the timer back if we want to slide out
of here!
Quinn:But Professor what about the homing device implanted in the
fruitcake? If that thing is made by the Kromaggs, then we have to not
only get rid of it, but make sure there are no other ones on us. They might
have put one on each of us in case we got split up. Except for Maggie,
of course.
Arturo:Good point, my boy, but we don't have time for an MRI scan. We
must recover the timer first. Now-
Luke:How about King to Pond 4?
Wade:Will you shut up with that already?
Luke:Queen to Pond 4?
Leia:Shut up! Just shut up!
Arturo:Now, somehow we must get back to that Super-Star Destroyer and
steal the timer from asthma man.
Han:Darth Vader.
Arturo:Whatever!
Luke:What if we lure this guy into thinking that our leader is over
here...?
Han:Why that just might work, Luke! We could slip Vader a transmission
that says that out rebel base is here in Sector 74 and then secretly
board his ship. Yoda, Luke, Chewie and I could lead the troops aboard and
raid the ship while the five Slider go recover their timer. It could be
a victory for the Alliance and a way of getting these guys home. Luke,
you're a genius!
Luke:Huh? Oh that. I was actually talking about chess.
Arturo:You IDIOT!!!
Leia:It would take days of preparation, though.
Yoda:This it would. But, good plan this is. Go through with it, I say.
6 days later...
The plan appears to have worked. The Sliders and Rebels are preparing
for a raid.
Wade:(while arming herself) Now guys, we can't spend much time recovering
the timer. We slide in about 3 hours, and we still have to check ourselves
for Kromagg homing devices.
Quinn:We? What do you mean? You girls aren't going on this mission! You
wouldn't survive the heat of a battle!
Maggie:I can go, I'm a soldier, you know.
Luke:Now, now. Don't try to be brave, girls. You and I both know that we
men are much more capable of fighting the Empire than you nice young
ladies.
Wade:Why you stuck-up, low down, no good, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!
Leia:Hmmm...That's a good one. I'd better write that one down.
Arturo:(ignoring Leia's last comment)Now you ladies keep the ship warm for
us!
All men leave the ship to raid the Super-Star Destroyer. This includes
Yoda and Chewie
Leia:Those jerks!
Shirley and Lavern fly their ships up to Millenium Falcon and start to
board.
Wade:(looking at computer) Guys! We've got company!
Shirley and Lavern dash into the Falcon.
Shirley:Alright, Yoda, we tried to play ea-I don't think you're him.
Maggie:Yoda's on that ship with the other men if you want him.
Leia:They left us here because we're girls and...yadda, yadda, yadda.
Lavern:How dare he!
Shirley:That makes it all that more difficult to kidnap you!
Wade:What?!?
Lavern:Oh, did I forget to tell you something?
Lavern and Shirley rip off masks revealing themselves to be...
Wade:Ahhhh!!! Kromaggs!!!!!
Maggie:So, that's what they look like...
Leia:Wait a minute, are you saying we have a homing device on us?
Kromagg#1:Ummm...Hold on.
The Kromaggs discuss something.
Kromagg#2:Yeah.
Maggie:Was that the only homing device?
Kromagg#2:Uhh..yeah..I guess so. Sure, why not?
Leia:Then what did we find on Quinn?
Kromagg#1:A..uh..K-mart homing device. Yeah, that's it.
Wade:So there's no more on us?
Kromagg#2:Uhh...nope.
Maggie:Are you lying?
Kromagg's discuss something
Kromagg#1:We don't think so.
EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM
--------------------------
This is NOT a test of the emergency broadcast system.
This is only a real emergency.
Yes, we do actually use this emergency broadcast system for something
other than screen pattern testing. Anyway, I'm supposed to tell you
about the emergency.
It has just been called to our attention here at (your local Fox
station's name goes here) that the television show Sliders has
been cancelled. I am now supposed to instruct you on where to go
due to this emergency. I want you all to do one of two things.
a)Write in to Fox protesting this treachorous act of...treachery.
You can reach them at:
Hmmm... seems that I don't have the address handy, but if you know
the address, write in now!!!! or
b)Write to the WB and UPN asking them to pick up Sliders for a fourth
season.
and there is one more thing you should do regardless:BOYCOTT FOX!!!
Thank You
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The screen resumes into it's normal Millenium Falcon interior.
Kromagg#1:As I said just before that interruption, we don't thinks so.
Wade:So what do you want with us?
Kromagg#2:It has come to our attention that you removed our homing
device, which had been disquised as a fruitcake. Thrice.
Leia:It was disquised as a fruitcake twice?
Kromagg#1:No, I meant that you removed to homing device thrice.
Kromagg#2:We actually had to put the thing on you three times.
Once when we had you prisoner, once when we were the Shirley and Lavern
that sent you to Star Trek:The Next Generation, and once when we sent
you here.
Wade:Wait a minute, we only removed one.
Kromagg#1:Then the other two probably fell off.
Kromagg#2:Anyway, now that we know you four have split up, we've sent
for another group to come and find the other three of you.
Wade:Actually, Maggie's a-
Maggie:(Cough) a, uh, very...dreaded...enemy of...Wade.
Wade:She's actually a Slider, too. You can conquer her homeworld, when
she gets back, too.
Maggie:Actually, that's a bad idea. Umm...Kromagg's can't breath on my
world.
Leia:How do you know that?
Kromagg#1:Silence! We must stand here and hold you prisoner until our
partners get here!
Wade:Umm, while you're holding us prisoner, can I just sit here and
use Han's computer?
Kromagg#2:Sure, why not?
Wade:Good.
Wade sits down at computer and begins typing.
Maggie:(whispering)What are you doing?
Wade:(whispering back)Look.
Wade shows Maggie the script of this crossover on the screen.
Wade:(still whispering) Everything we do or say appears on the screen!
See?
Maggie:So how does that help us?
Wade:I'll bet I can make you say "I shall now worship Wade as God."
Maggie:I would never-
Wade erases what Maggie was going to say and puts in "I shall now
worship Wade as God." As soon as she types each letter...
Maggie:I shall now worship Wade as God.
Leia:Whoa, how'd you do-uhh..I think I'll just bow down on the ground
and dedicate my life to serving Wade Welles, supreme goddess.
Kromagg#1:Hey! What's going on back-
Wade types "Kromaggs turn into chickens"
Kromaggs turn into chickens.
Kromagg#1:Ba-cauck! Ba-cauck!
Maggie:Now tell me, (Wade adds soemthing) oh wise goddess who is
obviously a much better actress than I, (pause) alright, if you want
me to call you that from now on I can't stop you. (since you are a
wise goddess who is obviously a much better actress than I) Now just tell
me, hoe you are able to fool with the script.
Wade:Easy. I just logged onto the internet and found the server that
Universal keeps all the scripts in. I hacked in, and end of story.
Meanwhile...
Universal Employee:Is that legal?
Universal Employee#2:How should I know?
Meanwhile...
Leia:Let me try that on this computer.
Leia sits down and...
Computer:Welcome. You've got mail!
All:AHHHH!!!!! It's AOL!!!!!
Meanwhile...
Kromagg#3:Here we come! And we're not lost this time!
Kromagg#3&4 open vortex and slide into SW world, right at the exact
instant that Leia logged onto AOL. This combination of cheap online
service activation and the opening of a interdimensional gateway
caused a space-time continuum error that will lead a lot of weird
things.
Quinn and Logan have their timers ignited into beams of light energy,
and are battling each other on Cloud City.
Logan:Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father!
Quinn:Uhh...I already know. He was hit by a car.
Logan:Oh. But there is something you do not know about me!
Quinn:You've had plastic surgery?
Logan:No! I am your double!!!
Quinn:That's not true! That's impossible!
Logan:Just the difference between and X and a Y chromosome,
Mr.Mallory!
Quinn:Huh? Where'd you come from?
Logan slices off Quinn's hand while he is stunned by Arturo's
presence.
Quinn:Owwww!
The screen stutters, quivers, and jerks. Static reins for a second,
and then Arturo is piloting a Millenium Falcon being pursued by a
Few Star Destroyers. Quinn is nearby in the cockpit, along with
Rembrandt, Chewie, and a Wade with donuts over her ears.
Quinn:Can't you outrun them? I thought you said this thing was fast?!?
Arturo:Watch your language my boy, or you'll find yourself floating
home. We'll be safe enough when we make the jump to light speed.
Quinn:But, Professor, they're right there gaining!
Arturo:Flying through hyperspce isn't like dusting crops, Mr. Mallory!
Without precise calculations we soar through an asteroid field or
bounce to close to a Super-Nova and that would end your trip real, now,
wouldn't it, young man?!?
They continue to bicker as they make the jump to light speed.
Ship:Whooooosh!
Wade:Whoa, that was better than, than SEX!
Arturo:Now I wouldn't go that far.
Screen flickers, and static conquers all the land until...
Shirley:Wait it's us! The real Shirley and Lavern!
Chicken:Cluck, cluck!
Screen Flickers and static is back until...
Kromagg#3:Umm...did you just see that?
Kromagg#4:Yeah.
Kromagg#3:What're we going to tell the boss?
Kromagg#4:How about we were kidnapped by...a Fox Network Executive!
Kromagg#3:Yeah!
They slide away, and everything returns to how it was. (The first two
Kromaggs are still chickens, though.)
Maggie:I think you two had better stop playing on the computer for a
little bit.
Wade:Good idea.
Leia and Wade get off of computers.
Meanwhile...
On the Super-Star Destroyer, all the confusion from the Kromaggs and
AOL caused general havoc all over! When the madness began, the heroes had
just got the timer back, and were about to kill Vader. Then all that weird
stuff started happening and when it was over, Vader had them captured
prisoner, the timer was nowhere to be found, and the cell they are in is
the same one as before. Also, the rest of the Rebellion is gone. Only the
characters with names (e.g., Han Solo, Yoda, Threepio) are still in the cell.
But even with all the no-names gone, it's still pretty crowded. How much so?
Quinn:Luke, Get your knee out of my back.
Han:(being on the bottom)I..can't breath...need...air.
Luke:Quinn, that's not my knee.
Han:air!
Arturo:It's mine, you blistering idiot!
Han:...bye...
Yoda:The door, you must open the door!
Quinn:Oh, okay.
Quinn manages to grab the handle and open the door.
Han:(panting)Thanks!(sarcastically)
Rembrandt:How'd you get the door open, Q-ball? Use one of your "secret
little methods" that only you are smart enough to understand?
Quinn:No, I-
Rembrandt:Just hooked some gizmos together and got us out right?
Quinn:Actually,-
Rembrandt:Created some mumbo-jumbo electrical field so that the door
had no choice but to open? Well ya know what? I'm sick of you showing
off like that, Q-ball! I'm sick of you! Let's just go home and forget
these people! I just wanna-
Quinn:All I did was turn the handle. The door ws already unlocked.
Han:You mean to tell me we could have gotten out of there any time?!?
Quinn:Uhh..yeah.
Han:You-!
Arturo:(to Han)Allow me.(to Quinn)You blistering idiot!!!!
Quinn:uhh..sorry.
Arturo:I'm-!
Han:(to Arturo)Allow me.(to Quinn)I'm going to kill you!!!!!!!
Yoda:Bickering must stop. For lost my powers, I have. And find timer
and kill Vader, we must.
Luke:Yoda's right. After that disruption, the Force just doesn't seem
to be with me.
Rembrandt:And we'd better hurry. We slide in a few hours.
Arturo:Wonderful! Things could not possibly get any worse!
Vader:I have you now!
Arturo:AHHH!!
Everyone turns to see that they are surrounded by many stormtroopers
and Vader.
Vader:Now, I can kill you off one by one.
Vader holds up timer
Vader:And still keep your precious device!
Quinn:The timer!
Vader:That's right and now I'm going to kill you one by one!
Vader holds up right hand and starts to squeeze
Arturo:Wait!
Vader stops.
Vader:What?
Arturo:You can't kill me! I'm already dead! I died in The Exodus!
Arturo slowly turns into a week old rotting corpse.
Arturo:(with a voice that sounds kind of disgusting)And that was
on another world!
Arturo instantly disappears.
Vader:Well that was easy enough. But now it's time for-AHHH!!
Bruce Willis jumps in, knocks out Vader, uses large machine gun to
kill troopers, and leaves. Wade, Maggie, and Leia walk in.
Wade:Oh, did I forget to mention to you two that when I fooled
around with the script I had that happen so no one got hurt.
Luke:How'd you get into the script?
Wade:Easy. I just hacked into Universal's script computer.
Threepio:That's not legal!
Artoo:Beep boop-boop be-doop.
Threepio:Oh, Switch Off!!
An hour later, after goodbyes have been said, and everything settled,
the Sliders prepare to leave.
Quinn:Well, it's been nice while we were here.
Maggie:Wait, we forgot to check ourselves for Kromagg homing devices.
They might have put one on us while we were in the Falcon.
Wade:Don't worry. I checked the script up to this point. Nothing
happens with Kromaggs before now, and obviously, they can't do anything
to us now we're about to slide, and they're chickens!
Rembrandt:They're what?
Wade:It's a long story.
Quinn:Three, two, one.
Vortex opens.
Wade:Bye everybody!
The Sliders all jump in. Except Arturo. He's dead on another world.
What the Sliders don't know is that while they were chickens, the Kromaggs
put a homing device on one of them, the name of which I shall not reveal.
Wade did not discover this because she didn't check the part of the
script that was AFTER they had slid. Since there was no mention of this
in the script before now, Wade couldn't find out even though it had already
happened. The reason this was done is so that this cript can still follow
the rules of continuity kinda-sorta. As for the Star Wars people, they
go back to their normal places in the Trilogy. Except Luke. He dies. Just
kidding! But you HOPED he was really dead, didn't you?
Meanwhile, on the next world....
The Sliders emerge from the vortex on a hard rock. They are knocked
unconscious. Except for Arturo. he's dead on another world. At they same
time, A train emerges at exactly 88 m.p.h. from an electrical blur, then
crashes into a rock. The people inside are knocked unconscious. They all
wake up at the same time. (Sliders and the other people)
Quinn:Uhh..where are we?
Doc Brown:Marty! It would appear that traveling into the future has taken
us into a parallel universe! (looks at remains of train) Oh-no! The train
is broken, that means you, Clara, and I are all stuck here until repairs
can be made! This could be disatrous!
Maggie:Oh no.
To Be Continued?
I hope not!
E-mail the author of this parody!