Star Trek: The Guyver Generation. Shane T. Doherty (rms_oceanic on Yahoo. E-mail is rms_oceanic@yahoo.co.uk) This is my FIRST parody EVER! To get the gist: A Be a Star Trek Fan B Be an Anime Fan C Watch ST:TNG and Guyver: Bio-Booster Armour Hope you enjoy it! :) Please tell me what you think. PROLOGE (The Enterprise is going into orbit of a planet.) PICARD'S VOICE: Captain's log, Stardate take-a-stab-in-the-dark. Starfleet scientists have found remains of an ancient civilisation on this M-Class planet in the middle of Federation space which NO-ONE seems to have seen before. We've been ordered to investigate. (Bridge, Day. Everyone's at their stations. Picard's got his eye on Troi who can't stop fiddling with her bra. Worf is stabbing a D'kTagh into his console out of boredom. Riker is smiling into a void.) PICARD: What are you smiling at, number one? RIKER: Actually, nothing. (Smile disappears) WORF: We're being hailed by Admiral Smart-Ass. RIKER: On screen. PICARD: (In a homicidal rage) I GIVE THE GOD DAMN ORDERS NUMBER ONE! WHEN I AM NOT HERE AND YOU ARE THEN YOU GIVE THE GOD DAMN ORDERS! BUT... FOR... NOW... EVERYONEFOLLOWSMYORDERS! (Suddenly calms down, gets up and straightens his uniform) On screen. WORF: (Embarresed) Uh... sir... I kinda... PICARD: What? WORF: I kinda stabbed my console so hard it's shot to hell. PICARD: Data get the phone. DATA: I am unable do so sir. My arms got mangled last week when Lieutenant Worf thought I put a Tribble in his bed. WORF: Someone did. LaFORGE: (Embaressed) Uh... lets just get on with it. I'll answer it. (LaForge goes to Data's console and pushes some buttons. A picture of Admiral Smart-Ass appears on the screen.) SMART-ASS: Hi, Jean-Luc. PICARD: Don't call me that, I think it sounds too French. call me Johnny-John-John. TROI: (Still fiddling with her bra) But aren't you French, captain? PICARD: (Steryotype French Accent) Of course I'm French! What do you think I have this outrageous accent for? Now go away or I shall taunt you a sencond time! DATA: Captain, you have not taunted anyone yet so how can you do it for the second time? PICARD: (Comes to his senses, striaghtens his uniform.) Sorry. Admiral, what did you want to tell us? SMART-ASS: Nothing, this is a prank call. (Same French accent as Picard) Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries. PICARD: Take that back. He smelt of grapes. (Transmission is cut off) PICARD: Mr. Worf, fire a photon torpedo in the general direction of Admiral Smart-Ass' offices. WORF: Uh... sir...my panel... PICARD: Oh god. All right, Smart-Ass, you've won this round. Commander Riker, take LaForge, Worf, Data and 2 Ensigns-who will probably die, they ALWAYS do- to transporter room 4 and beam down to the planet. RIKER: Aye sir. (Riker, Worf, LaForge and Data exit) STARTING SEQUENCE. (Space field, Starship Voyager comes into view.) JANEWAY'S VOICE: Space...the final frontier...these are the voyages of the Starship Voyager... (Enterprise-D comes out of nowhere and knocks Voyager into a nebula.) PICARD'S VOICE: Shut up, stupid woman! You shouldn't be here! (Clears his throught) These are the voyages of the Starship ENTERPRISE. You know the rest. Play the damn music. (Music starts) McCOY'S VOICE: SHUT THE HELL UP! I'M TRYIN' TO SLEEP HERE! (Music stops abbruptly) ANNOUNCMENT (Starbug Bridge, Day. Rimmer is looking at the camera.) RIMMER: Smeg! (Black Screen .) ACT I. (Planet Surface, Day. Various Hi-tech things in the back ground. Shimmer effects and Riker, LaForge, Worf, Data and 2 ensigns-destined to die-appear. Riker taps his comm badge.) RIKER: Riker to Enterprise. YAR: Yar here, Will. RIKER: Lieutenant Yar? Aren't you dead? YAR: Yes. I'm a ghost. Wooooooo.....woooooooooo (Wises up) what is it? RIKER: I've got a feeling that I'll need more ensigns. Beam six down. YAR: There's only five available. The rest are on, uh....extended shore leave. RIKER: All right, beam them and a full lieutenant down? YAR: Why the lieutenant? RIKER: I'm feeling nice. I'm going to let an extra beam down and live to tell the tale. YAR: OK. (Shimmer effects. Ensigns#3-7 and Lieutenant#1 appear.) ENSIGNS#1-2: Hi. ENSIGNS#3-7: Hi. WORF: Let's just get on with it. I want to shoot something. RIKER: You can only shoot the monster. (A huge tank bursts behind them and out emerges a monster, Zoanoid#1. It slashes the hell out of Ensigns#1-3) RIKER: Like that, for example. (Worf sets his phaser to maximum and fires at the Zoanoid. He misses and Ensign#4 is vapourised.) WORF: Ooops... (Data, LaForge and Riker fire their phasers. Zoanoid#1 falls down, dead.) WORF: Aw. I wanted to kill it. RIKER: Shut up. (Taps his badge) Riker to Enterprise, we found a creature and killed it mercilessly. PICARD: You naughty bastard. DATA: I believe it will be impossible to take this creature aboard the Enterprise for further analysis. RIKER: Why? Do you think it poses a threat to the crew? We blasted it to hell! DATA: Look. (They all turn round to see Zoanoid#1 disintegrating into a pile of goop.) LaFORGE: I see. PICARD: (Still on comm. badge) No you don't, you're blind. (Drums play out of nowhere, symbolising a joke.) DATA: These tanks appear to be designed to alter a genetic structure at molecular level. It will give the user the ability to rearrange it's DNA structure into a certain type of genus, depending on what arrangment of DNA the user programmed it to. LaFORGE: Huh? What the hell does that mean? DATA: It turns things into the ugly bastard we just shot. ALL: Ahhh. LaFORGE: This data uplink seems to be compatable with ours. Mabye we can upload imformation. RIKER: Do it. (LaForge goes over to an alien console, pushes a few buttons on his Tricorder and scans it.) LaFORGE: LaForge to Enterprise. You should be recieveing data on the alien technology, but you'll have to translate it. TROI: Geordi, I sense... WORF: Somehting hostile? RIKER: Something friendly? TROI: I sense... ALL: WHAT!? TROI: ...that I need to change my bra. The strap just won't stay still. (Everyone groans) DATA: Commander, look what I have found and YOU have not. Ha-ha. (Data holds up a peculiar triangular suitcase.) RIKER: Lets analyse it aboard the ship. Riker to Enterprise, 5 personel, 3 ensigns and one weird suitcase to beam up. O'BRIEN: Aye sir. RIKER: Aren't you on DS9? O'BRIEN: It's year 5. RIKER: Oh. ENSIGNS#5-7: We resent not being counted as personel, you moth... (Shimmer effects. Everyone disappears.) ANOUNCMENT. (Throne room, day. Queen, Melchet and Nursie sitting down. Blackadder slaps Percy) BLACKADDER: Shut up Percy! (Black screen.) ACT II (Bridge, day. Everyone is at their stations except for Data, who's preforming the final moments of Tiffnay. No-one's noticing him.) DATA:...I'm leaving, Grant. I'm taking the baby with me... JR. LIEUTENANT#1: Lieutenant-Commander Data sir? DATA: Yes, lieutenant? JR. LIEUTENANT#1: I've been trying to ignore it for some time but, why the hell are you acting out the final moments of Tiffany? DATA: I was told to by theAuthor. ALL: ALL HAIL TO THE AUTHOR! ME: Thanks. (A chime is heard) CRUSHER: Crusher to Author. ME: Yes. CRUSHER: YOU MOTHER^%&%£&$^$^&^$£$^$^&^%&$^$!!!!!! NEVER LEAVE ME OUT OF THE FIRST ACT AGAIN!!!!!!!! ME: Uh........OK, Bev. CRUSHER: (Suddenly calm.) Crusher to Data. DATA: Yes, Doctor? CRUSHER: I need the main cast, Ensigns#5-7 and Lieutenant#1 to come to sick bay. DATA: Why the last four? CRUSHER: I dunno. I just feel like it. DATA: OK, Doctor. (Everyone leaves and various people takes their places. We cut to Sickbay, night.) PICARD: I can't see a thing. Computer, lights. (The lights come on. We see Picard is wearing a Stormtrooper Uniform, Troi is naked spare skanky Deltan bra and G-string and Riker and Worf are humping furiously.) RIKER: OH MY GOD! I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEANNA! WORF: I thought YOU were Deanna! (Riker runs out to vomit. Worf quickly follows.) PICARD: Nothing like too young men preforming such a healthy task, eh? (Everyone looks at him.) PICARD: What? CRUSHER: The suitcase that Data took from the planet had three lifeforms inside. Yet no matter how hard I try, I can't open it. (LaForge looks at the case and finds a big red button on the top clearly marked 'OPEN') CRUSHER: (Embarressed) Oh. (LaForge pushes the button. The case opens and we see three strange units-Guyver units. Data picks up one.) DATA: Intriuging. This is one of the three lifeforms. (The control metal of the unit shines. The restraints fall away and the Guyver creature smothers Data.) DATA: (Same tone as before) This creature appears to be symbionic. It is attempting to join with me. (Everyone waits 5 minutes. The creature makes no headway.) YAR: Obviously it isn't very successful. TROI: I state the obvious, Bitch! (Troi and Yar lunge at each other. No-one cares) LIEUTENANT#1: That unit is shining. (The second unit lunges at Lieutenant#1. He screams and rolls around the floor. Everyone looks at him as he slowly transforms into Guyver#1.) LIEU...uh...GUYVER#1: AH-HA! I AM ALL POWERFUL! (Guyver#1 Opens his megasmasher and fires, vapourising Ensign#7. The megasmasher cuts through the hull and flies into a shuttle carrying Ensigns#8-32-we told you they were on shore leave, didn't we?-, destroying it. Ensign#5 is consequently sucked into space where he becomes chunky salsa. The main cast fire their phasers at Guyver#1 but nothing happens.) GUYVER#1: YOU CAN'T KILL ME! I'M INVINCIBLE! LaFORGE: You're a looney! ENSIGN#6: Hmmm...I wonder... DATA: Captain the last unit appears to be damaged... (Ensign#6 runs up and grabs the unit. Data can't stop him as his own unit restricts his motion. The unit activates, smothering Ensign#6. He becomes Guyver#2.) GUYVER#2: HA! I'M NOT GOING TO DIE THIS EPISODE! HA-HA-HA..... (Guyver#2 staggers around suddenly. His control metal plops out. This consequently turns him into slimy goop.) PICARD: I know how to stop him! (Picard rips off his clothes to reveal a cheap Superman costume) PICARD: SOLAR MAN!!!!! ALL: Captain! PICARD: How'd you know? WORF: (Just returned.) You changed in front of us..... LaFORGE: The baldness..... TROI: The nose...... (goes back to fighting Yar) CRUSHER: The cup of Earl Grey....... PICARD: I GET THE POINT! LET ME DO MY THING! (A ball of energy builds on Picard's shiny bit. He fires it into Guyver#1, whom deflects it into Ensign#33 - just entered - gets fried. Guyver#1 fires his pressure cannon and it misses all the main cast. It flies around the ship until it enters the Ensign's quarters and squashes Ensigns#34-200) RIKER: (Also returned.) That's all the ensigns. (Admiral Smart-Ass' office, day. He is siting in his chair. 3 other Admirals, 2 Lieutenants and a Captain stand round him.) SMART-ASS: So, the first three got slashed by the Zoanoid, the next was accidently vapourised by Worf, one was vapourised by the megasmasher...24 were killed aboard a shuttle, one was turned into chunky salsa by the vaccum of space, one became Guyver#2 and disintegrated, One got fired by an energy ball and the rest got squashed by a gravity ball. The winner is.....me. ADMIRAL#2: Not fair! CAPTAIN#1: you always win! LIEUTENANT#3: How? (A creak is heard behind them. they turn around to see a locker burst open and around 100 episode scripts fall out. They are clearly marked 'STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION.' Everyone looks at Smart-Ass who goes bright red. They then proceed to beat him up.) ANOUNCMENT. HOLLY: I'm kicking bottom! (Black screen.) ACT III (OR EPILOGE IF YOU WANT TO BE AWKWARD) (Bridge, day. Everyone is dressed in TOS uniforms) PICARD:Counseller...Troi...warp...factor...2...please. DATA: Live long and prosper. CRUSHER: Dammit Jean-Luc i'm a doctor not a cowboy! YAR: Keptin, it was inwented in Russia. WORF: Hailing frequencies open, sir. TROI: Oh, Data. LaFORGE: The engines cannae take nae more Cap'n'. I can fix it in a few minutes. I bet ma bagpipes on it. (A wierd light fills the room and everyone is back to normal except Data still has the Guyver unit on him.) DATA: Could someone remove this? (Everyone sets their phasers on maximum and fire. The creature is gone and Data is singed.) DATA: Thank you. What happened to Guyver#1? PICARD:Don't you know? DATA: No. LaFORGE: He disappeared in an anti-tachyon time distortion of the Space-time continuum. DATA: How come I didn't see it? WORF: Our budget was cut. We barely had enough left to describe it, let alone show it. DATA: That explains why we're sharing sets with Animaniacs. (The Animaniacs bounce on.) ANIMANIACS:#It's time for Animaniacs...# (Worf and Yar beat them up and throw them out.) PICARD: Well done. YAR: And the cheap rip-off of Monty Python. (Three men in bad Cardinal costumes run into the room. Badly played surprise music.) CARDINAL#1: NOBODY EXPECTS ZE GERMAN PUBLIC ENQVIRY!!! OUR CHEIF WEAPONS ARE... (Worf and Yar beat them up and throw them out. Sound of animated characters being tourtured.) CARDINALS: (Offscreen.) CONFESS, CONFESS, CONFESS!!! WORF: And the.... PICARD: SHUT UP YOU DICK!!!!! TROI: Captain, I'm sensing immense horniness. PICARD: Number one, are you smiling at nothing again? RIKER: No, I'm smiling at Troi. (We see Troi still has only the lingerie on.) TROI: Uh...permission to change clothes sir. PICARD: Granted. (Troi leaves) DATA: Captain, we have 20 minutes and 10 seconds to fill. What will we do? PICARD:(Thinks) I know.... (20 minutes later...) PICARD: So the Simpsons are in the State of... (Loud farting noise) PICARD: Sorry. THE END.