READ THIS FIRST!!!
(unless you're a complete jerk who won't listen to what I say anyway, in
which case, knock yourself out)
A Continuity Note:
This story takes place during the following times: 1
SLIDERS--Before that whole incident on Maggie's world but after Wade dyed
her hair red.
X-FILES--Sometime after that Marita lady with the weird last name became
their new source, and before Pendrell died.
HIGHLANDER--Whenever. Sometime when Amanda wasn't around.
ER--Pick a time, but before the '97 season finale.
HERCULES & XENA--Before Herc made the truce with Echidna, but sometime
after they met each other (*Nooooooo....*)
SUPERMAN--Whenever.
A Note on the Plot:
You'll notice I have a lot of X-Files jokes in this story. That's
because it's my favorite show, and I have to say, despite the risk of
insulting any die-hard fans, it *is* easy to spoof. And as for the ER
stuff, I just started watching and got most of my info from my friend.
So if it's inaccurate, or just plain stinks, blame her :). As for the
plot line itself, well, what can I say? I have a very active
imagination. Oh yeah, and if you've never watched one of the shows that
I'm parodying, you won't get those jokes. Sorry. And yes, I'm working on
my adverb problem.
A Note on the Footnotes:
The footnotes were intended to explain some jokes or references to those
of you who don't constantly watch the shows (or to get in some sarcastic
comment I couldn't figure into the story). Of course there's *all kinds*
of stuff I left out because, well, we don't have that kind of time (at
least I don't). And for those of you who understand the jokes, don't
care about the plot or characters of the X-Files or think the footnotes
ruin the story, skip 'em.
Well, now that that's outta the way......
==============================================
1 If you're one of those
people that absolutely *has* to know the names of episodes for
continuity, tough, because I have absolutely no idea. You'll just have
to muddle through somehow! :)
pg2
-----Lots of people----
in
"What an Amazing Coincidence!"
or
"Who Says Crossovers are Bad Things?"
Enyo@juno.com
Scene 1
The Sliders, minus Quinn, are in the lobby of the Dominion Hotel on a
world where Michael Jackson is president and Altoids were never invented.
They are desperate to leave.
W- Wade, Q- Quinn, P- Professor, R- Rembrandt
W: Why do we always stay in this hotel? The room service stinks, and
I've played the video games 3 million times!
P: Because this way, if we get separated, we'll know where to find each
other.
W: But why can't we choose another hotel?
R: Because the name's really cool, OK girl? The producers like it. Man,
ever since you dyed your hair that ridiculous red color you've really
lost it.
W: (Turning on Remy, yelling) You don't like my hair? I can't believe
it! Next you'll be telling me I'm too fat! (voice lowers, asks
earnestly) You don't think I'm too fat, do you? I mean, we're friends,
right? You'd tell me if-- 2
(Quinn bursts through door)
P: Mr. Mallory, *where* have you been? It's almost time to slide!
W: Why do you still call him that? We've been wandering around for over
a year and you still call us Miss Wells, Mr. Brown and Mr. Mallory. Why?
P: Because I'm a stuffed-shirt boring idiot, all right? Now, Mr.
Mallory, *where*?
Q: With this really cute girl I met. You know the producers like to have
me hook up with one fine girl every episode.
R: But they're all melodramatic idiots with no brains or acting skills
whatsoever.
Q: So? They're really hot. And now... (voice becomes serious, wistful)
I'm really going to miss...ah...whatshername. She deserved better than
this.
W: How much time is left?
Q: (looks at timer) 10 seconds.Here, take this (hands her timer). I have
to make a dramatic last-second leap. There's no one chasing us on this
world, so I'll have to improvise.
(Runs outside, races back in)
Q: Go, go!!! Don't worry about me-- I'll hold them off!
(starts punching and kicking air; bystanders turn and stare; Wade presses
button on timer and opens vortex; bystanders gape but just stand there
staring)
(The Sliders look at Quinn, who's still fighting air)
Q: _GO_,_GO_! It's going to close! Hurry!
==============================================
2 One time when they were on a world where SF was one big war game, Wade
was caught in this trap that would spring if her weight shifted. Quinn
had to ask her what she weighed so he could put rocks there in her place.
She told him 103 and started babbling, "We're friends, right? You'd tell
me if I'm too fat, right? Am I too fat?" The whole thing disgusted me.
If that's FOX's idea of a "strong female"..
pg3
(The Sliders shrug and jump in)
(Quinn walks to edge of vortex and despite his warnings of the portal
closing, stops and turns, looking wistfully off into the distance after
whatshername for a long time. Then he steps in and the portal
miraculously closes right behind him. 3 )
-----End of Scene 1-----
Scene 2
Special Agents Dana Scully and Fox Mulder are in a dark, piney forest at
night. The little green computer type at the bottom of the screen
reveals it to be Spluck Forest, Massachusetts, 11:21. They are bent over
shining their big ol' $4000 Maxabeam xenon flashlights at a writhing
green mass of fluid.
M- Mulder, S- Scully
M: (studying ooze excitedly) Scully, do you know what this is?
S: (peering at ooze disgustedly, poking it with a stick) Well Mulder, I
can't say for sure without a lab test, but it seems to be a large type of
cellular slime mold of the phylum Acarastomycota. They're amoebas who
join together to find a new habitat in times of environmental stress. 4
They probably vacated the area near the earthquake fault that we're
investigating.
M: (yelling excitedly) No Scully! Don't you see? This is alien blood!
Remember when Samantha's clone disintegrated? It looked just like this!
This fits perfectly with my theory that the aliens made this earthquake
in an attempt to collapse the East Coast logging industry!
S: Mulder, just because something is green and slimy doesn't mean--
M: (cuts her off, voice turns suspicious and thoughtful) That means that
an alien must have been hurt around here. More will be coming (reaches
into pocket, pulls out slender silver cylinder and turns it, sharp point
shoots out 5 ) But I'll teach them!
S: Mulder! Put that away! You'll poke your eye out! There are no
aliens here!
M: (turns to her sharply) How do you know that? They could be anywhere!
(voice rises hysterically) They're everywhere, Scully! They're out to
get me! Everyone!
S: Get a grip!
(The Sliders' vortex opens, the Sliders fall through. Wade lands right
in the ooze; Mulder and Scully pull their guns)
W: Ew! Gross! I can't believe it! My new clothes are ruined! What *is*
this stuff!
P: It appears to be a large type of cellular slime mold of the phylum-
==============================================
3 Happens every time. Go fig.
4 I knew I took that Biology course for a reason!
5 The only way to kill the shape-changing aliens is to pierce the back of
their skull with a stiletto like the one Mulder's got.
pg4
M: (cuts him off) The alien blood! Noooo! Who are you? Are you with
them? Who sent you to ruin my alien blood?
P: My dear sir, (Mulder and Scully swing their guns to point at the
Professor) I can assure you that is *not* alien--
S: (cuts him off) Don't bother. Who are you?
Q: We're Sliders (Scully points her gun at Quinn). I discovered a
gateway between parallel worlds, but things got a little out of hand and
we're lost- we can't control the slides.
S: Kind of like Quantum Leap.
Q: Yeah, except we don't have an invisible little computer friend.
R: How long (Scully looks at Mulder; Mulder points stiletto at Remy)
until our next slide, Q-Ball?
M: (turns stiletto to Quinn) Q-Ball 6 ! A--
S: (cuts him off; hisses) Mulder! I've got *my* weapon on him!
M: (hissed back) *Fine!* (turns stiletto back to Remy) A code name,
huh? Who do you work for?
R: It's just a nickname, OK? Geez man, calm down.
M: Calm down? You want me to calm down? You shoot in there in some sort
of a vortex and squash my only piece of evidence of the existence of
alien life on Earth and you want me to *calm down*?
S: Mulder, supposing it even was alien blood, you know Chris would never
let us keep it until the end of the episode. Besides, who could we give
it to?
M: That blond Marita lady--my new source 7 !
S: Oh no, I'm not letting you anywhere *near* her!
R: Uh, excuse me you two, but exactly where are we?
S: Spluck Forest, Massachusetts.
R: _MASSACHUSETTS_!!! How the heck did we land in *Massachusetts*?!! We
were supposed to always land in San Francisco!
Q: (looking puzzled, frowning at timer) I have no idea!
W: I don't know, I (Mulder and Scully look at each other in distress)--
M: (cuts her off) Could you please move right next to him there (motions
to the Professor)?
W: Sure. Hey, you're kind of cute (to Mulder)!
M: Uh huh. (uses gun to cover both the Professor and Wade)
W: As I was saying, I kind of like Massachusetts.
R: *Like* Massachusetts? How can you *like* Massachusetts? Do you know
how *cold* it gets in the winter here? They get *snow*, girl.
W: But Massachusetts is so--piney!
R: _PINEY_! _What_kind_of_a_word_is_PINEY_?!!!
P: Mr. Brown, *please!*
Q: Guys, I think there's something wrong with the timer--it's--
==============================================
6 Yes, that is Rembrandt's actual nickname for Quinn. No, I don't know
what he was smoking when he came up with it.
7 Mulder's new source after X was killed is this blond lady with the
title of SRGS or something like that. I don't like the way they're
looking at each other.
pg5
(a vortex suddenly appears, sucking them all in 8 )
-----End of Scene 2-----
Scene 3
Superman is flying over Metropolis on a bright sunny day 9 . Suddenly,
he hears something, turns around, sees vortex open over a building far
away. He flies over.
Supe- Superman, L- Lois Lane
S: (getting up, dusting herself off and pulling her gun) _What_was that?
P: That, ...um...what did you say your name was, Ms....
S: I didn't. Scully. (she motions towards Mulder, who is hovering next
to her with the stiletto and gun in his hands) He's Mulder.
W: Uh, do you have first names?
(M and S look at each other thoughtfully)
S: You know, I thought we did...
M: But I really can't remember... 10
S: Hey...You're trying to get us off track! Answer the question!
P: Well, that was a "slide," as we call it. We are now in an alternate
world.
M: (Dropping hands to sides in loss) Well, that does it then, doesn't it
Scully? We'll never uncover the alien conspiracy. Our government will
go unpunished! The Lone Gunmen 11 will have no one to vent their bizarre
conspiracy theories to. I'll never get to punch Krycek 12 again. And
Pendrell and Frohike 13 will be crushed when you don't return, Scully.
==============================================
8 The vortex is really messed up right now, OK?
9 If you're wondering about the fact that it was day, then night, then
day...STOP IT!
10 Mulder even made his parents call him Mulder. Don't ask. I'm not
going to.
11 The Lone Gunmen are a trio of technowizard conspiracy theorists. They
occasionally help Mulder and Scully out. Yes, yes, with the guy that
looks like Garth.
12 A devious agent who constantly works to thwart Mulder's plans
(whenever the writers put him in a story, that is). Once worked for
Cigarette-Smoking Man, but was double-crossed and now has own agenda.
And one hand. Aka Ratboy.
13 Agent Pendrell--A sweet red-headed agent in the tech lab that analyzed
Mulder and Scully's evidence in a coupla cases (that is, before he was
brutally shot to death). He and the Lone Gunman Frohike dig (or dug, I
guess, in Pendrell's case) Agent Scully, if you know what I mean.
pg6
We'll never find out where my sister is. Or if Cancer Man is really my
dad 14 or...
S: Mulder, stop it!
Q, P, W, & R: *Thank you!!!*
S: (re-training 15 gun on them) Shut up! Mulder, listen to yourself!
M: You're right, Scully. (X-Philes everywhere choke in amazement and fall
off their stools, spilling the coffee out of their big alien head mugs)
I...
S: Do you realize what you've been saying?
M: I...
S: Listen to how many plot lines you have going on! It's not fair!
M: What?
S: All I have is Pendrell and Frohike. Well, Pendrell is kinda cute,
but...
M: WHAT? You think that little redheaded boy is *cute*?!!!
S: Now listen here, Mr. Conspiracy-Paranoia-Alien Blood-Sexist... (crowd:
*oooh.*)
W: Um, FBI people?
S: ...*he* shows and interest in me...
R: Folks?
M: ...I'm ten times as...
Q: Guys?
S: ...*he'd* let me drive...
P: (screaming) AGENTS!!!!
(Mulder and Scully stop, Scully looks irritated)
S: What? We were just getting some of these issues out in the open
*finally*. (shot of X-Philes panting)
Q: I think if you'll turn around you'll see something *much* more
interesting than anything on your world. Or, at least I think it will be
more interesting. Maybe this is normal on your world. I don't know.
Just turn around, OK?
(Mulder and Scully turn their heads--Supe is floating behind them)
M: (hopefully) Are you an alien?
Supe: As a matter of fact, I am. I'm Superman.
(Mulder brightens considerably)
M: Great! Now I can kill you! [Jumps at Supe with stiletto, who (Supe,
not the stiletto. *Nooooooo*, the stiletto) grabs him and tosses him
back onto the roof]
S: MULDER! (Turns gun on Supe and fires a few rounds, Supe catches the
first few and lets the rest bounce off; miraculously they do not tear
holes in his costume.)
S: Uh-oh.
P: Fascinating. What planet are you from? Alpha Centauri? Sirius?
Supe: Krypton, actually. And where are you from?
W: (Stepping forward) Helllloooo Mr. Hecka-fine-floating-guy-in-tights.
Supe: Um, hi. Where...?
Q: We're Sliders. I found a gateway between alternate dimensions, but
now we can't get home--it's out of control.
Supe: Mmmm...and them (points at Mulder and Scully; Scully's helping
Mulder up)? I assume they're not from your world? 16
==============================================
14 There's a rumor that's been going around *forever* that the reason
Cancer Man hasn't killed Mulder is because he's really his son (and
judging from recent episodes, I'd say that's a pretty good bet.) Luke, I
am your father...
15 Put down your dictionaries. I know that's not a word.
16 He heard the whole conversation between them when they first arrived.
(*Ahhhhhh...*)
pg7
R: Nope, we accidentally picked them up last world. Our timer's gone
nuts.
Supe: I've got a reporter friend who could do a great story on you--I'll
take you to her, if that's OK?
W: (staring dreamily at him) Sure.
(There's a flash and Supe's dropping them off in front of a building that
says, "The Daily Planet")
Supe: Just a second. Don't go anywhere. (Flies inside)
Q: Wade! Are you crazy? We can't talk to a reporter! We only have
(looks at timer) an hour left on this planet, and the timer could go nuts
any second.
P: Nuts-- is that a professional term 17 ?
W: (gazing at The Planet) He's dreamy.
S: Excuse me, but he's also potentially dangerous. We should not be
messing around with aliens.
W: What? Why not? What do *you* know about aliens?
M: What do--what do *we* know about aliens? You want to know what *we*
know about aliens? (S: (under her breath) Oh boy.) Well, I *only* had my
sister abducted by them when I was twelve, and then this girl Ruby was
abducted and returned and then this UFO crashed in Townsend, Wisconsin,
and the aliens took Max, and then *another* UFO landed in Iraq 18 and...
S: (M continues to babble on their UFO cases) See what you've done?
W: (looks ashamed) Sorry.
(Supe flies out with L, M stops babbling and pulls out stiletto)
Q: (Looking at Lois 19 ) Hey, what's a hot babe like you doing with an
alien like that?
(Supe floats silently and stares at him; Quinn shuts up)
R: Hey lady, do you know you have purple eyes 20 ?
M: Are you an alien?
L: No, I'm Lois Lane from the Daily Planet. (pulls out pad of paper and
pen) Now, who...
(is cut off by large explosion; Supe flies over)
R: *What* was that?
M: (hopefully) Maybe it was aliens!
S: Yes Mulder, I'm sure that's *exactly* what it was.
(Supe flies back)
Supe: Hurry! You've got to get out of here!
=============================================
17 "Can I persuade you to take a sandwich with you, sir?" "I'll get
drive through." (for those of you who aren't getting this *at all*,
think Val Kilmer in a cape.)
18 Don't go there. And that's just the first few episodes very briefly.
19 Hey! Sounds like a movie title! "Looking at Lois." Yeah, yeah, I'm
shutting up now.
20 In the new Superman cartoon, Lois Lane has purple eyes. Yeah. That's
what I said.
pg8
Aliens from my world have come to kill me and destroy Metropolis 21 !
M: (looking smug) I *told* you it was aliens!
(Two weird-looking space aliens (WSAs) fly over)
WSAs: We will kill you, Cal-El, and your little reporter too 22 !
(Fire weird green bullets from weird gun; everyone dives for cover)
P: Fascinating!
L: Superman, why can't you go out there and fight them?
Supe: Those are kryptonite bullets, Lois.
L: Oh. Well then, GO! Don't worry about me! You're more important!
Supe: OK. (starts to fly off)
L: (grabs his cape) OK?!! *OK*?!! You're supposed to say, "No Lois,
I'd never leave you!"
Supe: But I'm more important than you. You said so yourself. Besides,
you never save me. Why do I always have to save you? You must have got
along fine before I got here. At least, you're still alive.
L: Just *because*, OK? Now go out there and save me. It's not like you
can't. You always do. Now, _GO_!
Supe: All right already. Geez. Women.
(Flies out, gets shot)
L: Well, I could be wrong.
(WSAs laugh and fly away 23 )
(Lois, Wade and Scully run to Superman's side)
S: (checking Supe's pulse; examining bullet wound) We need to get this
man to an ER right away!
L: Only one problem- he's an alien. Kryptonite poisoning is something no
normal doctor can cure 24 !
S: (looking at Supe) You know, when he's now throwing my partner around,
he's really kind of cute.
L: Back off! He's mine!
S: Since when?
W: Hey, he's mine!
(Lois and Scully look at Wade)
L: *Hello*? I'm Lois Lane and she's an FBI agent 25 . And who are you?
==============================================
21 You might ask why no one has mentioned that his planet blew up and how
could people from his world be coming? Well, the answer is he never told
them that so how would they know? Hope that clears things up for you.
22 Sorry, couldn't resist.
23 STOP QUESTIONING EVERYTHING!!!!
24 Do you sense something building here?
25 How'd she know? Did I forget to mention that she's psychic?
pg9
W: I'm a...computer geek 26 ! (Lois and Scully gasp)
L: I'm sorry--I didn't realize.
S: Please don't hurt me.
W: Well...
Q: Guys? I think the timer's doing it again.
(vortex opens, sucks them all in)
-----End of Scene 3-----
Scene 4
Hercules and Xena are examining the body of a dead hydra in a really big
cave.
H- Hercules, X- Xena
X: I think it's dead.
H: Hey, you can never be too certain about these things. They're very
tricky. I'd better use my incredibly amazing biceps (flexes importantly)
to throttle it a couple more times just to be sure.
(vortex opens; everyone drops out; Xena whips out her sword, Herc stands
there and looks heroic)
H: (commandingly) Who are you? Has Hera 27 sent you?
Q: Um, no. We're Sliders. We travel from parallel worlds but we're
lost.
R: At least, some of us are. Sliders, I mean. [waves at Mulder and
Scully, who are pointing their guns at everyone, especially the dead
hydra, suspiciously (Mulder: Aliens!! S: *Shut up, Mulder!*), and at
Lois, who's alternating glaring at everyone and looking worriedly at
Supe, and the unconscious hero himself, in his rather bright costume].
We picked them up accidentally.
X: *Okay.* So what are you doing here?
S: Where exactly is here?
H: Greece, as if you didn't know, Hera-spy!
R: _GREECE_! *GREECE?* _How_in_the_heck_did_we_get_to_*Greece*_?!!!
(starts hyperventilating)
X: (walking over) Here, I can help you. (takes out knife)
W: What are you *doing*?!!
X: Punching a hole in his throat.
W: WHAT?!!! You call *that* helping?!!
X: It's either that or shutting off the flow of blood to his brain.
R: Hey, you know what? I just realized I'm all better!
H: Don't help them, Xena! They're Hera-spies!
X: If they are they're the most pathetic bunch of spies I've ever seen.
Q: Yeah! Hey, wait a minute...
==============================================
26 Before they "slid", Wade worked in a computer store. She was supposed
to be quite the smart computer ace, but I guess the producers forgot...
27 The all-powerful queen of the gods who hates Herc and always is trying
to kill him because...well, forget it. It's enough for you to know she
really hates him.
pg10
W: (looking at Herc) Forget about Superman (Lois and Scully breathe
sighs of relief; glare at each other) I'll take you!
X: (walking over to Wade) On second thought, Hercules, I think you're
right. We'd better execute them all. I'll start with this one. (raises
sword)
S: Freeze!!! (Pointing gun at Xena along with Mulder)
M: Put down you weapon or we *will* fire!!!
S: Put it down!
X: (laughs, leaps really high in air, somersaulting and yelling
ai-ai-ai-ai 28 war cry)
P: My goodness!!
W: Where'd she go?
Q: Maybe she got stuck up there.
L: Hey! Aren't we forgetting something? Superman is hurt here!! We
need a doctor!
(Xena comes down right by Lois and Supe)
X: A doctor? Really? What seems to be the problem? Oh well. (takes
out knife)
(Lois crouches defensively in front of Supe)
L: Oh no you don't you medieval hussy! (crowd: ooooh!) I saw how you
tried to help whatshisname over there! Back off!!!!
Q: Uh guys? The timer?
(vortex opens and sucks them all in)
-----End of Scene 4-----
Scene 5
Duncan MacLeod, aka the Highlander, just finished chopping the head off
another one of those pesky evil Immortals always running around. He's
standing there absorbing the dead Immortal's power when the vortex opens.
Mac- MacLeod
(everyone picks themselves up and dusts themselves off)
H: (demandingly) Where have you taken us?
S: (looking smug) That was a slide; we're on a parallel world.
M: Scully, look over there! (points to Mac, who's looking really weird
with the white wispy power stuff going into him, and the headless guy and
the head rolling around) _Definitely_an X-File.
X: Must be some kind of sacrifice to the gods.
R: The gods?
X: Yeah. (gets blank stares) C'mon, you know. Zeus, Hera, Artemis,
Apollo--
P: My dear lady, I can assure you there are no gods like that. That's
just mythology!
H: Don't play stupid. You know Zeus is my father. How could you expect
me to believe there are no gods?
L: (decides this is good enough to leave Supe) Zeus is your *father*?
Wow, this could make a *great* story. (whips out pad of paper and pen)
So, tell me about your childhood. What...
W: Oh come on. There's no such thing as Greek gods.
==============================================
28 Well, that's what it sounds like.
p11
X: Please! He's brother and sister with most of them, and I've met half
of them myself. Like Artemis, Hades, Persephone, oh, and of course Ares
29 . I was almost his queen!
H: Yeah, and me and Nemesis--
X and H together: HEY!!!
X and H: *Nemesis*? *Ares*?
H: *Ares?!!!* You had a fling with *Ares*? He's my least favorite
brother, and you know how much I *love* my brothers. Why him?
X: What'd ya mean why him? What about you and *Nemesis*?
(Mac finishes the quickening or whatever and walks over with blade drawn)
Mac: Who are you?
W: Oh wow. What an incredibly sexy accent. I'll take you instead.
Mac: You can't be Immortals; I didn't feel the headache 30 . But--
X: (stops arguing with Herc to cut him off) A headache? Here, let me
help. (pulls out knife)
Mac: Uh, thanks but that's quite all right. Hey, that accent is vaguely
familiar-- you're -- Greek, right?
X: (looks pleased) Yes, I am. I'm Xena. And you must be a Highlander--
but out of the country for quite a while?
Mac: Why yes. Duncan MacLeod of the clan MacLeod, at your service.
(bows majestically) Now, my lady, he (points at Herc) looks to be a
Greek-- with some other blood I can't quite put my finger on-- warrior as
well, but as for the rest of them-- (points at others) they don't seem to
fit. What is a warrior such as yourself doing in the company of these
people?
Q: We're lost Sliders traveling from parallel worlds.
Mac: *I see*.
M: Why'd you chop off his head?
Mac: Who? Oh, right. Well, he was an evil Immortal trying to kill
everyone. Chopping their head's off is the only way to kill Immortals,
you know 31 .
X: I sometimes find that a shorter sword that this (taps MacLeod's sword)
does a better job for heads.
Mac: Oh? (interestedly) Are you a fellow head-chopper?
X: Well, not anymore. At least not as often. But I was once quite the
expert 32 . I've always believed it's all in the wrist.
Mac: Oh yes, I agree. The angle is important too. Did you ever try...
==============================================
29 The Greek god of war, who, for some unexplicable reason, is somewhat
unpopular. (Yep, that would be sarcasm.)
30 Immortals feel something MacLeod once described as a headache when
other Immortals get near. Kinda a survival mechanism, considering most
Immortals want to chop all other Immortals' heads off.
31 It's fill in your own explanation time! He told them this
because______________________________________. 32 A long time ago, Xena
was a ruthless conqueror. No, really. But she's good now. I guess.
p12
(everyone else quickly moves out of earshot as they trade head-chopping
tricks)
S: Well, that's sicker than usual.
M: _SCULLY_!!!
S: What?!! I'm right here, you don't have to yell. What's the
problem?!!
M: Nothing. I just haven't gotten to scream your name in panic yet this
episode so I thought I'd get it in while I could.
S: Oh. *Okay*.
M: Don't look at me in that tone of voice!!!
Q: Um, guys?
S: Let me guess- the timer?
Q: Yep. (steps closer to MacLeod and Xena; vortex opens)
M: Wow, Scully, you're getting good. You sure called that one.
S: Shut up Mulder.
(vortex sucks them all in)
-----End of Scene 5-----
Scene 6
It's a peaceful-looking tropical jungle. Primitive-type ferns and trees
mainly populate the area.
(The vortex opens; everyone falls out 33 )
Mac: *What* was that?
X: That was a slide; we're on a alternate world. So, tell me again about
your special swing?
Mac: Well, you...
L: (cuts him off) Will you all just *shut up*?!!!! We've accomplished
_nothing_but pick up a few more characters to add funny comments to the
script!!! Superman is *dying* here and no one is doing anything!!! And
what about the timer?!!! Are we going to fix it or just pop around
picking up characters from late night sci-fi shows?!!!
X: Well, I *offered* to help um..."Superman."
L: Shut up.
P: Fix the timer? Now that's an idea!
R: How come *I* never thought of that?
Q: If only we knew what was wrong- well, I suppose we could look inside
and see if anything's loose.
W: Good idea!
M: What's that *awful* noise?
L: *What* noise?
S: Wait Mulder, I hear it too. It sounds like-- singing!! Oh-- that
awful song!! Mulder! We have to stop it!
H: I hear it too! It must be some new monster Hera has sent to destroy
me! I must stop it!
==============================================
33 No, they decide to stay in the vortex, have a cup of tea and discuss
the O.J. Simpson civil trial.
pg13
X: Not without me, Hercules! Something that awful will surely require
two of us!
H: Not when one of us is me, Hercules, demi god, son of Zeus. Besides,
wouldn't you rather work with Mr. Immortal-head-chopper over there?
X: Hercules, really! There's no need to be sulky! Hey-- I think you're
jealous!
H: Am not!
X: Are so!
H: Am not!
Mac: Well, if neither of you is going to do anything, I will! (pulls out
sword) It's getting nearer!! (recoils in pain) I must stop it!
(nearby trees rustle, out steps man-size purple dinosaur)
B: I love you, you love me....
Everyone: AAAAAAHHHH! (fall to ground clutching ears)
M: (Rising painfully) Scully, we have to destroy it! (Raises gun)
H: (Rips gun out of hands) No! *I'll* be the one to destroy it!
X: No, *I* will!
Mac: No, *I* will!
Supe: (waking up) No, *I*...
L: You'll do no such thing. (whacks him over the head with her notepad,
he lapses into unconsciousness again)
W: (in tone of disgust) Heroes.
(as the four argue, Scully steps up to evil dinosaur and raises gun)
B: Hello! My name is Barney. Let's be friends!
S: AAHHH! (screams in pain, falls to ground)
M: _SCULLY_! Hey, I got *two* screams in this episode. Cool! Now, what
was I-- Oh yeah.
(runs up to Barney)
B: Let's play a game!
M: AHHH! (screams in pain, falls to ground) No-must-destroy-it! (raises
gun and shoots Barney)
X. H & Mac: YAAAAHHHH! (give battle cry as they, after deciding to form
a trio, merge shows and call it "Highlander: The Legendary Warrior
Princess," charge Barney. Herc throttles him, Xena cuts him up with her
flying boomerang chakrum or whatever and MacLeod chops off his head)
X, H & Mac: There!
H: Roast dinosaur tonight, folks!
X: Mmmmm!
M: I found this really great recipe for roasted dinosaur in "FBI Weekly."
S: I tried it; it's great!
H: Really? What's the secret ingredient?
(meanwhile)
Mac: I'd like to take the head to put over my fireplace in my apartment.
(taps X) What do you think, Xena? Can you see that?
X: Yes, I can. And I'm not quite sure that it would go with the decor
you described.
R: Actually, I've often found that giant puppets go will with almost
anything.
Mac: (interestedly) Really? So what does your house look like?
==============================================
pg14
R: Well, Oscar is...
(A relieved X turns back to the cooking discussion)
(While MacLeod and Remy swap decorating tips and Herc, Xena, Scully and
Mulder discuss the culinary delights of roast dinosaur, Quinn, Wade and
the Professor look over the timer)
W: Is that cord supposed to be there?
P: Yes. I think.
(pause)
Q: You know, I'll bet I know what the problem is. The quantum tachyon
pulses emitted by the fiber optic torpedo decelerator is interfering with
the beta emissions from the dilithium field stabilizer!
P: You're confusing us with Star Trek again, Mr. Mallory.
Q: Oh. Right.
(long pause)
W: Aren't you supposed to cut the red wire?
P: That's for bombs, Miss Wells. I don't think that would work in this
case.
Q: Are you sure? I think I remember hearing somewhere about how that
worked with a toaster, too.
W: Toasters have wires?
P: Well, I'm sure they *must*.
W: Well, then maybe that will work for us.
Q: But we don't have a red wire!
(mediumish pause)
W: Maybe if we cut the yellow and orange at the exact same time?
Q: Yellow and orange make red?
W: I don't know. It *sounds* good.
Q: Hey, I think the timer's gonna go nuts again.
R: How can you tell? You never showed us.
W: Wow, we're cleaning up *tons* of loose ends this scene, huh?
Q: (ignores her) See that little red light up in the corner?
W: No.
Q: Well, that's because it's out now. When it goes out, we have a
problem.
P: Fascinating.
(vortex opens, sucks everyone in)
-----End of Scene 6-----
Scene 7
The bustling ER of ER. Dr. Greene and Dr. Benton are wheeling in another
hurt homeless guy.
G- Dr. Greene, B- Dr. Benton, CH- Nurse Carol Hathaway, C- Dr. Carter,
Ross- Dr. Ross, JB- Jeannie Bulet
(vortex opens, all fall through)
L: Finally! A hospital! Hey! (Yells to Carol and Jeannie, who are
playing Doom on the computer) This man needs help!
=============================================
p15
(start to run over when suddenly skid to a halt)
CH: Wait a minute. Who the blankety 34 are you and what the blankety was
that swirly hole you fell out of?
Q: We're Sliders. We slide.
CH: *Right.*
L: Hey! Superman's hurt here! Think you could help or shall we all just
stand around chat?
CH: Right. Jeannie, get a stretcher!
(Jeannie's running over when Randi, the receptionist-person, turns the
radio on)
Radio: Do-do-do-doo-doo-doo do-wah!
B: (steps forward with huge fake grin; singing along) Doesn't matter what
comes--
G: (Walks to B's side) --fresh goes better with life! (grin fakely at
each other hugely)
M & S: (link arms, sing in unison) It's Mentos fresh and full of life!
(homeless guy on stretcher pops up)
HG 35 : Nothin' get's to you--
R: (slides through side door on knee, arms held out dramatically)
--stayin' fresh stayin' cool--
C: (slides though opposite door the same way) --like Mentos fresh and
full of life!
(All Sliders link arms and form line and ER staff link and form another,
lines cross each other can-canning)
Sliders: Fresh goes better!
ER Staff: Mentos freshness!
Sliders: Fresh goes better!
(all slide down on one knee)
All: With Menos fresh and full of life!
(Dr. Carter steps up with big fake grin, points roll of Mentos)
C: Mentos: the freshmaker!
(Miller's Outpost commercial comes on, everyone stops, looks at each
other puzzled)
Ross: What the heck just happened?
M: I'll bet it was--
R: Aliens?
M: (suspiciously) How'd you know that?
L: Hello- dying man?
B: Carol, Jeannie, someone needs you somewhere else. Carter, Ross, you
take him 36 .
Ross: (Looking at Lois) I'd be happy to. What's a hot chick like you
doing with a dying guy in tights like this?
L: Shut up and cure him or I'll rip that smug smile off your face and use
it to shave off your hair.
Ross: (turns pale) OK then. (he and Carter start pushing Supe off)
==============================================
34 Well, of course she didn't *really* say blankety......
35 That's H omeless G uy, for you acronym-challenged readers.
36 Sure, Ross ordinarily wouldn't do this, but I wanted him in this
scene, OK?
p16
W: Wait! (they pause) Too many fine guys! What to do what to do...
(looks at Carter and Ross) Okay, I'm coming with you.
L: *Fine*. Let's go!
B: (looking at homeless guy) OK, give him 30 cc phetyleilizonone mixed
with 10ccs cortisitimone. I want a STP 37 and a TZXP with a Yellow
Gighinew and a blood hiuya.
S: *What* are you talking about?
B: You're just a normal person. You couldn't possibly understand.
S: I'm a medical doctor 38 .
B: Oh. Well, um...someone get this woman out of here!
G: But we're still in the waiting room!
B: Well, let's get him into the OR then!
G: He needs an operation?
B: (sputtering) Well...for pete's sake, man 39 , just_do_it!
G: Aren't I your boss?
B: GO!!!
G: Yes sir right away sir. (pushes man to OR)
(Little boy runs up to Benton 40 )
Boy: Wanna see my fuzzy bunny?
B: NOOOOO!!!! (Little boy runs away crying)
Mac: I think_somebody_needs a nap.
B: (turns around angrily) Why you--(stops as Mac and Xena pull their
swords and Herc picks up the Coke machine)
X: Now apologize to the little boy.
B: No! I--(stops as Herc drops the Coke machine with a crash) (Meekly)
OK. (goes up to little boy).
H: Say, "I'm sorry, little boy,"
B: I'm sorry, little boy.
Mac: I'd love to see your bunny.
B: I'd love to see your bunny.
(Boy smiles, pulls out bunny from his hat 41 )
G: I'd love to kiss your bunny.
B: (turns around, yells) HOW_DARE_--(stops as Xena calmly opens the can
of Mr. Pibb Herc threw her with the edge of her chakrum)
==============================================
37 Yeah, that's intended. (If you don't get it never mind)
38 She is! Dr. Dana Scully, M.D. But she never practiced because she
joined the FBI right after graduation.
39 Get it?
40 Uh...he escaped from the waiting room. His daddy's a magician, but he
made a mistake sawing his mommy in half.
41 Guess it runs in the family.
p17
X: Do what he says.
B: (growls) I'd love to kiss your bunny.
G: (yells to ER staff) C'mon, guys! Benton's gonna kiss a bunny!
(everyone, minus Carter and Ross, runs over)
Randi: Hang on! (ducks behind counter) Carter's gonna be sorry he
missed this, so...(pops up with a camera) OK!
B: (raises head) I_won't_--(stops as he notices Mac's sword at his
throat) OK. (bends over, gingerly kisses bunny. Camera flashes)
ER staff: Awwwwwwwww.
HG: Hello? Um, I'm dying here, remember?
G: Oh, right. Oh well. All good things must come to an end. (Shakes
hands with Mac and Herc, comes to Xena) Wow. How about coming to dinner
with me tomorrow? Oh no, I have that thing with Jenny. How about
drinks-no, that's Gina- ahhh., would you like to go dancing around
tenish?
X: Not r--
G: (runs around babbling to ER staff) I'm *not* doing this because of
Susan. I'm *not* doing this because of Susan. I'm *not*...
HG: *Great*. You know, I don't see how you people get *anything* done
around here. Can someone *please* sew me up?
X: (to Benton) Well, as you seem to be short a doctor, I'd be glad to
help.
B: If_you_think_I--(Mac draws sword)--wouldn't be delighted to have you
assist, you must be insane.
X: I thought so. Lead the way.
(Benton pushes stretcher off)
(meanwhile)
C: Uh, Doug? I can't seem to get this IV in.
L: Oh, silly me. Did I forget to mention that he's invulnerable?
C: Oh, great. *Just* what we need.
Ross: If he's invulnerable, how'd he get shot?
L: (in an aggravated tone) It was a kryptonite bullet, obviously!
Ross: Oh, of course. How stupid of me.
W: Wow. You're really fine when you're sarcastic.
Ross: I get that a lot. So, if he's invulnerable, how do we take the
bullet out?
L: It's not really the bullet that's the problem anymore. The
kryptonite's worked his way into his bloodstream by now.
Ross: Oh, *wonderful*. Any ideas on how to fix that?
L: How should I know? *You're* the doctor.
Ross: So everyone keeps telling me. Carter, any bright ideas?
C: Maybe--hey, the kryptonite's spread through his body like cancer. If
we put him through a sort of chemotherapy--a *strong* sort-- maybe it'll
kill the kryptonite!
W: Hey, I saw that episode 42 !
C: (hissing under his breath) Shut up and I'll take you to dinner.
W: (happily) OK!
==============================================
42 Carter's solution's straight from an early Lois and Clark episode.
Don't even get me *started* on that show.
p18
Ross: Good idea, Carter. But where will we find radiation that high?
C: In our nuclear reactor room!
Ross: Our nuclear--Carter, we don't have a nuclear reactor room!
C: We do as of last night. The producers put it in because they thought
it would be too much of a coincidence in this episode to have a nuclear
power plant in town.
Ross: Oh. *Right* 43 .
L: Well, what are you waiting for! Let's get him in there!
R: Right!
(starts to push Supe's gurney to nuclear reactor room)
(meanwhile)
(Mulder and Scully are at the receptionist's desk at the computer. What
are those two hard-working FBI agents up to? you wonder. Are they
cross-checking their suspect's name on this world's FBI database?
Searching on the web for information about the new dimension or sliding?
Let's listen in and find out.)
M: Scully, someone's shooting you! You missed a guy! Behind you! No,
over there! See! Ohmi--I can't *believe* you missed at this range!
You're such a bad shot! You couldn't hit the broadside of a Nazi flag!
S: (pausing game and turning to Mulder, putting hand on gun) Do you want
to test that theory?
M: Um, no?
S: Right. Shut up. (turns back to game)
M: No, Scully, that's where you came in! You want to go *right*!
S: No, I came *in* over there. *This* is the way out!
M: No, I distinctly remember that dead guy over there!
S: No, that's a *new* dead guy! The *old* guy's back there!
M: No, the guy was by the dog, remember, and the painting...
S: The painting is over *there*!!!
M: No, that's a *tapestry*. There's a big difference.
(bleeding guy is wheeled by)
BG: Could you two *please* keep it down?!!! There's people trying to
*die* here!
S & M: (in unison) Sorry.
(meanwhile)
(Quinn, the Professor, and Remy are all standing around in the waiting
room)
Q: Well.
R: Well.
P: Since we've got nothing left to say, let's just do one of those
dramatic fade-out long shots.
Q: 'K.
(Camera silently pulls away dramatically, fades out)
(meanwhile)
==============================================
43 If you haven't gotten it yet, stop and think.
p19
(Carter and Ross shove Supe in the nuclear room)
Ross: So now what?
C: How should I know?
Ross: Well, it was your idea.
C: Oh. Right. Well, hopefully when he's recovered he'll step out.
L: What if he's too weak? He could get over-radioactified 44 ! Someone
should go in and check on him!
C: Well, what do you want *me* to do? I just got here! I can't go in
there! I'm not qualified!
Ross: What do you mean you just got here?!! You've been here for a long
time! And how qualified do you have to be to walk into radioactivity?!
Besides, you can't expect *me* to go in there!
C: Why not?
Ross: (looks startled) I have cool hair, of course! Where's your head,
boy?
C: Oh, Right. Sorry.
L: Well, *I'm* not going in, so *someone* better!
C: OK, *fine*. (starts to open door when Supe bursts out)
Supe: I'm back!
L: About time! Now, listen. We're on a parallel world. We need to get
back.
Supe: So what do you want *me* to do about it?
L: *I* don't know! _You're_ the super hero!
Supe: Now hold on, Lois, I...
(Wade looks at arguing pair, sighs contentedly)
W: How romantic.
Ross: *Yeah*. Well, this has stopped being a cool heroic job to do, so
I'm gonna go find somewhere else to show off. See ya.
C: Yeah. Take care.
Ross: I'm just going down the hall.
C: Of course you are.
R: *Uh huh*. (walks away)
(meanwhile)
(Benton and the warrior trio are in the OR)
B: *What* the &%@(& did you just do?!!
X: Cut off the flow of blood to his brain.
B: _WHY_?!!!!
X: Because! Don't you know *anything* about medicine?
==============================================
44 I *know* that's not a word, but it should be.
p20
B: _OF_COURSE_I_DO_!!! But I've never heard_ANYTHING_about the benefits
of shutting off the flow of blood to someone's brain!!!
X: Then your medicine is obviously primitive and outdated. Oh, there we
go. (Undoes neck blood stoppage) All better! (To nurses) After his
other wounds, which are all minor, have been stitched, he'll need his
head elevated, fluids and rest for the next 24 hours. Then you can
release him.
B: _What_the_ (*^$_did_you_just_do_?!!!!
Supe: (coming up from behind) She allowed the blood clot in his brain to
dissipate. Another few seconds and he would have died 45 .
B: HOW_WOULD_YOU_KNOW_?!!!
Supe: I have X-ray vision.
B: Oh. But--how did--(points to Xena)
X: (looks offended) I'm Xena!
B: *Of course.*
Supe: So, where's that timer I've heard so much about?
H: With that Quinn guy or whoever in the waiting room.
Supe: Then let's go!
[Everyone zips off to the waiting room (well, some faster than others)]
Supe: Let me see the timer.
Q: Hmmmm? Oh. Sure. (hands him timer)
Supe: Hmmmmm. (scans timer with X-ray vision)
W: Well? What's the trouble?
Supe: (sounding flabbergasted) I don't know!
C: Wait a minute--let me see that thing. (takes timer) Well, here's your
problem!
Everyone:_*What*_?!!
C: Your batteries are dead! Look, the battery light's off!
Q: Ohhhh. Is that what that light's for?!
C: Wait--I thought you built this.
Q: Yeah. (blank stares) What's your point?
C: Um, nothing. Well, I think we have some AAs over here. (goes over to
a patients room where patient is hooked up to lots of machines; opens
panel of one, pulls out 4 AA batteries) Here ya go!
R: Thanks, but (motions to patient) doesn't he need these?
C: Oh, no big deal. He's just an extra.
W: Hey, maybe if we put the batteries in backwards the timer would take
us backwards through all the worlds we passes through!
P: Miss Wells, that is the most flawed logic I have ever heard.
Mac: Hey, remember, we met Barney in the last scene.
P: You're right. It will probably work.
(they put the batteries in backward, the timer's lights come on)
L: We did it! The timer will take us backwards so we can all go home!
R: How do you know?
L: Didn't you read the footnote on page 8?
==============================================
45 Just use your imagination.
p21
R: Oh, right. Sorry.
L: I knew you were going to say that.
Q: Well, I guess this is goodbye then. (To ER staff) Thanks for
everything. You guys are definitely the best doctors on *any* world.
B: How would you know? You've been in the waiting room the whole scene.
Q: Oh. Well...
Supe: *I* know. Thanks, Carter. (shakes hands with him) Where's Ross?
I want to thank him, too.
C: Oh, he's probably flirting with someone, saving a cute kid from peril
or righteously telling someone off. (Yells) Hey, Ross!
Ross: (pops up from nowhere) Yeah?
Supe: We're leaving. I just wanted to say thanks for helping to save my
life.
Ross: Hey, no prob.
R: Hey, where are those FBI folks?
CH: Oh, *them*. Over there. (points to desk)
M: Ohmigosh, Scully! (yelps) AH! There's someone stalking us! Behind
you! Didn't you hear the door open?
S: Don't be stupid. That was just the door shutting behind us.
M: Someone came through, I know it! Behind you! Ahhh! (ducks behind
table) They're all around you! Listen to the music! AHHH!
R: Um, excuse me, but we're leaving back to your dimension now.
M: Oh. Well. (clears throat) About time!
(Mulder and Scully walk over to join group)
M: Never fear, ER dwellers! For the truth is out there! Whether it be
in the swamps of New Jersey or the wilderness of Siberia, secretive eyes
watch us, hidden under a thick shroud of conspiracy. But we will pull
the shroud off and...... (babbles on)
Ross: (stepping over to Scully) You know, it's too bad you have to
leave. I'd ask you out to dinner. I think we'd be great together.
S: (smiles) Thanks, but I've already got a partner.
Q: 3, 2, 1...(presses button, vortex opens) Shall we?
[The four original Sliders link arms and leap somersaulting through 46
(after Quinn gazes forlornly at the ER). Superman offers his arm to
Lois, who smiles, takes it and they step through together. The three
warriors stride through side-by-side. Scully steps forward and gently
pulls the still-rambling Mulder through)
Ross: (calls after Scully) I hope you find your truth!
S: (looks at Mulder) I think I already have 47 .
(both step through, the vortex decreases in size to a pinpoint and
disappears)
-----End of Scene 7-----
-----End of Story-----
==============================================
46 They're talented.
47 Everybody! "Awwwwwwwwwwwww," Sorry for the sappy ending, folks, but,
well, I *am* an X-Phile.