Here's my parody, and it is entirely my work:

Federal Bureau of Investigation

Assistant Director Skinner's office

12:14 AM February 3, 2000

"Where are they?" Krycek slammed Skinner's desk drawer shut.He moved onto the filing cabinet and attempted to open it.

"Locked!" He fumbled through his pocket and pulled a small, gray utensilfrom a black, leather case.After succesfully opening the cabinet andfingering through the files, he found what he was looking for.

Krycek threw the manilla envelope to the floor and frantically siftedthrough the papers.Many papercuts later he set his eyes upon a codedmessage on a crisp sheet of typing paper.He carefully folded it and placedit in his jacket pocket, got up from his kneeling position (One which he wasvery used to), and doused the remainder of the file with liquor from a flask.With the flickering of a match, he was gone. Moments later a security teamcame in with a fire extinguisher and doused the flame, but not a trace of thenusterious arsonist was to be found.

The back room of Gerald's Pub

Richmond, Virginia

3:04 PM, February 7, 2000

"I have what you're looking for," Krycek signaled to an envelope on thetable."Now, do you have what I'm looking for?"He raised an eyebrow.

"In time, but there is a second part to this agreement."Cancer Man tooka drag from the stub of his Virginia Slim.

"Yes, I'm well aware of that," Krycek voiced, a little nervously,"but...I didn't think that would matter now that we have it."He againmotioned towards the stolen sheet from four nights before.

"You understand very well that Agent Mulder is a threat to us."

"Yeah, I do, but he's so damned hot!"

Cancer Man rolled his eyes."Jesus, Alex!" He raised his voice."Look,you can have all the time you want to prance aruond with your liquid eyeliner once this job is done.Until then, we have to get rid of Mulder.

"Yeah, I know."

"Now go," Cancer Man commanded, standing up, "go...go do whatever youfudge packers do!"

"Hey, I do like chicks!"

Federal Bureau of Investigation

Mulder's office

4:27 PM February 7, 2000

"Certain top secret files were stolen from AD Skinner'soffice...yadayadayada...No laeds yet...Blablabla...Small fire controlled andput out..."

"Mulder!" Scully yelled.He looked up from the computer screen.

"You're not playing virtual basketball again, are you?"

"No!" He replied."Listen to this.A bunch of top secret files werestolen.It looks like the work of Alex Krycek to me.I've been tracking himdown and I've come to believe that he's been working with Cancer Man on aproject so secret that even the rest of the Syndicate might not even knowabout it."

"Come on!Please, just one normal day..."

"I'm not just making this one up on a hunch, Scully.I've been watchingthem for months now, and I think I'm ready to make my move."

"On Krycek."

"Of course not."

"I know you like to watch," she said, coaxingly.

"Ha ha."

"I can see how you would find this to be worth while, Mulder, but we dohave other important cases to be working on.You know, kidnappings,homicides, our assignments."

"Yeah, and pretty soon we'll be shining shoes and scrubbing toilets withour toothbrushes.This one's for real.It's just what we've been-"

"You've been looking for."

"Will you help me out or not?"

"Do I really have a choice."

"Thanks."

"But I'm driving."

"As if."

Mulder's appartment

Washington DC

11:32 PM February 7, 2000

Mulder had fallen asleep on the couch, sitting upright with an open filein his lap.He'd been positive that this would lead him to the truth thathe'd so devotedly been searching for for the last six years.Soon it wouldall be over and he'd be able to lead a normal life, have friends, maybe evenin a few years he'd actually go on a date.But his nap was cut short...

Mulder was awoken to the sharp pain of a bullet skinning the side of hisskull.Wincing with pain he reached up to feel the bloody gash on his head.

"Gee, yet another time where a bullet has just barely missed one of myvital organs.I think I'll call Scully and listen to her insist that I see adoctor until I reluctantly give in after an hour or so of stubborn arguing."

The back of Gerald's Pub

Richmond Virginia

9:08 AM February 10, 2000

"Why isn't he dead?" Cancer Man banged his fist on the table."

"I missed by an inch.I'll get him next time!" Krycek replied.

"Krycek, is your mascara running?"

"Shut up! It's the humidity."

"In February?If this is making you too emotional I can easily getsomeone else to do the job."

"No!I need the vaccine from you.It's a necessity."

"Then you'll get it done"

"Of course!Don't worry, I'll kill him."

Mulder's appartment

Washington DC

10:57 PM February 11, 2000

Mulder tiredly fumbled with the key.It was good to finally get homeafter the stay at the hospital.Frankly, the medicinal smell in the air andthe bland taste of the liquidy red jello they'd been feeding him made himsick.He could feel the vomit rise in his throat just from the thought ofit.It was more something that Scully would appreciate.If they couldbottle the odor of a hospital and the disgusting tatse of that liquidy redjello she'd buy a crate and put it under chemical analysis.

The door swung open as Mulder stepped inside.Ah yes, the familiarityof the scent of led paint and his tacky UFO posters.Suddenly, he heard anoise...

"Uhoh..." Krycek came sprawling at him, knife in hand.Once content withthe noise of flesh being pierced and the gurgling of blood, Krycek scamperedoff, like the rat that he was.

"How does he keep getting in here?" Mulder thought to himself.Luckily,the UFO abduction insurance booklet in his shirt pocket had blocked the blowof the knife enough to only allow it to cut through the epidermis.

"I'd better go to the ER or Scully will never let me hear the end of it,"he mumbled, getting up.

Back of Gerald's Pub

Richmond Virginia

6:02 PM February 13, 2000

"A UFO abduction insurance booklet!The man's a genius!" Krycek stated.

"God kill me now," Cancer Man held his head in his hands."If you misshim one more time," he threatened, "I'll kill both of you myself."

"How was I to know that those things couold be so thick?!But I'm goingto way again, I strongly object to murdering him."

"Are you softening up on me?"

"No!I've never showed compassion for anything in my life, except maybebutterflies.It's just, I think we may be able to manipulate him, trick himinto helping us."

"What are you suggesting?"

"Kidnap his partner.It's obvious to everyone but the two of them thatMulder and Scully are subconciously head over hells in love with one anotherand would gladly jeopardize their own lives to help each other, which kind ofadds a romantic twist to all of this new age, sci-fi bullshit they keepgetting themselves into.Don't you think so?"

"Are you sure you're not a fudge packer?"

Federal Bureau of Investigation

Hallway

3:36 PM February 15, 2000

"Sir, have you seen Agent Scully?"

"No, Mulder, I haven't.Isn't she with you?" Skinner asked.

"No, she never showed up today."

"I'll let you know if I do.That's strange, though.She's usually way 

too punctual to be normal.Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a meeting."

Scully's appartment

Washington DC

7:07 February 15, 2000

"Hey, Scully?" Mulder knocked rapidly on the door."Scully?!" He knelt 

over and opened the door."Scully?"

"The appartment was dark.He looked around.Mulder noticed that there 

were seven messages on her answering machine.He suddenly saw something dark 

on the carpeting.A dried drop of some liquid, and another, and another.It 

looked an ugly reddish brown and had quite a familiarity to it and...

"Katsup!No, wait...It's...It's...Oh shit!"Mulder bolted from the 

appartment.

The residence of the Lone Gunmen

Washington DC

8:23 PM February 15, 2000

"Guys, open up!"

'"What do you want?" Frohike opened the door.

"Hey, I just realized how completely stupid it was of you guys to 

pluralize the lone gunman."

"That was the whole idea," he replied, spookily.

"Anyway, Scully's missing.I need you guys to help me find her."

A warehouse somewhere in Virginia

10:27 PM February 15, 2000

Scully found herself being led into a dim, dark room by a strong man with 

a dark complection.He was even kind of cute.Too bad he was probably 

absorbed in a life full of evil conspiracies and plots against the American 

people.Now, how could she escape?He was so big in comparisson to herself. 

He obviously worked out. Of course, there was only one guy there.She had 

to find a weakness, his one vulnerability.That was it!

"Sweet Mary, mother of all that is good and holy!" he shrieked as he 

tumbled to the ground.A swift kick to the balls always worked just fine, 

and the new high heels were a great touch.

Scully looked around.It had the physical appearance of a warehouse, but 

she was sure it was something else-a part of a bigger structure.She was 

unsure of the way out and the only thing she could think to do was 

investigate, naturally...unlike her hair.

Scully wandered from one room to the next, until she came to a long 

corridor, which seemed to lead to a secretive manufacturing facility of some 

kind.The brown liquid, the familiar wake-me-up scent-but her thoughts were 

cur short by shrieks from another room.Scully turned to her left.

"Oh my God!" she gasped, "those two aliens are having sex!"

***

"Mulder! I just saw the most amazing things!" Scully yelled excitedly 

into her cell phone as she stood across the street from the warehouse.

"What? What?"

"I saw two aliens having sex."

"Okay, I'm going to need a detailed description and a report on my desk 

on Monday."

Back of Gerald's Pub

Richmond Virginia

2:02 PM February 16, 2000

"She escaped?!" Cancer man rose, outraged.

"Hey, it wasn't my fault this time.The guy, well, let's just say 

injured, was one of yours," Krycek said, deffensively.

"For God's sake," Cancer Man inhaled some smoke from his freshly lit 

cigarette. "We're capable of fooling the entire American government into our 

control but we can't kill two measly FBI agents?I've learned something from 

this, Krycek."

"Don't overestimate American politicians?"

"No!Don't underestimate these FBI agents!They've got to have 

something up their sleeve.Someone we don't know about, or they've got an 

unbelievable amount of luck."

"The latter.Who'd want to help Spooky and his partner who'd have to 

have a surgical operation to remove the stick from up her ass?"

"I don't know, so find out."

"You know, maybe it's not Mulder we should be worrying about.Maybe it's 

the chick.You know, she seems a whole lot brighter, has a whole lot more 

common sense, and hell, women have always been superior to us idiotic males.

Get rid of her first, and Mulder later.We don't need to kidnap her this 

time.Just shoot her.I don't think she'll be as lucky as he was."

"I like the idea, but I think there's a better way to kill her than 

shooting her."

Scully's appartment

Washington DC

1:01 AM February 18, 2000

"Oh, shut up!" Scully swatted at the flying creature that bas buzzing 

above her head.

"Just sting me and die already so I can get some sleep!" Suddenly, she 

felt a prick of pain on her hand as the buzzing stopped.

"Finally, silence.Where did I put the epinephrin?" Scully swung her 

feet over the side of the bed.She tried to get up but was unsuccesful.

***

Next thing she knew, Scully had been thrown into some alien space 

ship\meat locker and she was butt naked.

"Oh, what the hell is this?" she groaned."I'm going to kick the ass of 

whoever did this!" she yelled.The only sound after that was the sound of 

her breathing and the echo of her voice.

Mulder's appartment

Washington DC

8:24 AM February 18, 2000

The phone rang.Mulder picked it up tiredly.

"Hello?" he mumbled.

"It's Scully.I need you to meet me immediately."

"Can't it wait?"

"Mulder, I'm ovulating."

"Krycek killed my father."

"I'm in a meat locker."

"My sister was abducted by aliens when we were kids."

"I'm naked."

"I'll be right over."

Sam's meat locker

Washington DC

9:17 AM February 18, 2000

Mulder arrived with a coat and a pair of shorts at the meat locker.

"These are the only things of yours that I had at my appartment."

"Mulder," she said putting them on.He stood staring at the ceiling, 

secretly wishing that he were watching her, but knowing all to well that if 

he looked at her she'd make him a woman."These aren't my shorts," she 

stated.

"Then they're...They're not?"

"No.You can look now."

"Say, uh, what exactly happened?"

"I got stung by a bee, fell unconscious, woke up here, kicked some guy's 

ass, like I warned him I would, swiped his cell and called you."

"Oh.I received a message from Cancer Man.He wants to meet us at a 

laundrymat."

"Why?"

"Didn't say."

"Don't you think that's a bit suspicious?"

"I completely agree, but I think we should do it anyway because I totally 

overestimate my own abilities."

"Sounds good."

Mable's Laundry Mat

Washington DC

Noon February 18, 2000

"I knew it was suspicious!" Scully glared at Mulder as a thug tied her 

hands behind her back.

"How was I supposed to know that we'd be captured by a bunch of thugs who 

were obviously sent her by Cancer Man to come and get us?"

"Well, gee."

Mulder and Scully were taken into an alley in back of the laundry mat and 

driven to the warehouse where Scully had been held captive once before.They 

were confronted by Cancer Man, who was chewing on the remains of a cigarette.

"I really can't believe you fell into that one.That was like my 

absolute last resort.That was pretty sad of you guys."

"Yeah.Cancer Man, what do you want?" Mulder asked.

"Well, I just figured that before I kill you, you'd like to know what I'm 

killing you for.I'm sure, Agent Mulder ,that you are aware of the alien 

colonization program and the related viral outbreaks."

"Yes."

"Gee, Mulder, when were you going to tell me?" Scully sneered.

"Anyway," Cancer Man continued, "In order to continue work on the program 

the syndicate was forced to introduce the virus into the general public.

That was when we came up with opperation caffeine.We have spent painstaking 

years strategically placing Starbucks Coffee Shops around the blove, arming 

them with the lethal Frappucino, an irresistably cool and refreshing drink, 

tingling the taste buds in flavors like mocha and caramel, and a deadly alien 

virus.Now, I'm sure that you are well acquainwith my associate, Alex 

Krycek."

"Associate," Mulder snickered.

"Shut up, Mulder," Scully bitched.

"Hi!" Krycek greeted them.

"Hey, Ratboy," Scully replied.

"Anyway," Krycek began again, "It will happen during the superbowl, when 

people are in their homes, when Ricky Martin will appear in a nationally 

aired commercial endorsing Starbucks Coffee.First New York will go, then 

the fad will surge down the east coast and California, Oregon and Washington. 

Finally, it will hit the south and midwest.Then it will turn deadly.No 

one will survive.Hahahahahaha!!!"

"You idiot!" Mulder yelled, surprised that he actually found someone 

stupider and with less common sense than he did.

"Ricky Martin fans are all gays and teenage girls," Scully added, "But 

the people who watch the superbowl are all beer gutted hederosexual men who 

have belching contests and scratch themselves!We're talking about the 

simple concept of a target consumer group here!Duh!"

"Oh," Krycek said blandly, "Cancer Man, you wanna' help me out here?"

"Well, that won't stop me from killing the two of you!Hahahahaha!" 

Cancer Man cackled.

"Cancer Man!" one of his thugs exclaimed, "a letter came to you from a 

respected publisher!They want to publish your story!"

"Oh, thank God!I don't have to be a bad guy any more!" Cancer Man 

exclaimed, "Okay, um, you're released."

***

"Okay, that was weird," Mulder said as he and Scully sat down in their 

rental car.

"Especially that they gave us free coffee and all, really weird."

"Hey, Scully, you want to rent a motel room and get it on?" Mulder asked, 

pushing down on the gas petal.

"Sure.I know some aliens who could give us a few tips on some good 

positions."

THE END

Thankyou and hope you enjoyed it,

VegaETS

VegaETS@AOL.com