The Second X-Files/Buffy Crossover! "Amesay Oldyay Rapcay" By Jesse Glaspey Authors Note: This parody takes place during the 2000 to 2001 season of X-files. Just a couple of months after Doggett joined the X-Files. It also takes place during the 2000 to 2001 season of Buffy just before Riley left and Buffy's mom kicked off. Plus, continuity has pretty much been chucked out the window. So don't give me any crap! Starring: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Gillian Anderson, Robert Patrick, Nicholas Brendon, Alyson Hannigan, Marc Blucas, James Marsters, Anthony Stewart Head, Amber Benson, Emma Caulfield and Michelle Trachtenberg. Also starring: Mitch Pileggi, William B. Davis, Nicholas Lea, Tom Braidwood, Dean Haglund, Bruce Harwood, Stephen Snedden, Clare Kramer, Charlie Weber. Even more starring: Jesse Glaspey, the gang from "Roswell", Sean "Puffy" Combs, Hugh Jackman, Andy Dick and Ricky Martin as "Butch" (We open on Scully researching some X-files. Doggett walks in with a cup of coffee.) Scully: Doggett. Come look at these files! Doggett: Unless it has something to do with the search for Mulder. I do not care. I'm not in the mood. I just want to sit here, drink my coffee and not do anything that involves men with X-ray vison, half-man/half-metal cyborgs, worms in your back, or creatures that swallow you whole and puke you up! Is that okay? JUST ONCE? Scully: Actually, it may help in the search for Mulder... Doggett: What? GIMME! (Doggett shoves Scully out of the way and grabs the file and starts reading it.) Doggett: What the hell is this??? Scully: Last year, me and Mulder travelled to a small town in California. Sunnydale. This town is the cause of more X-Files than any site in history. An alleged haven for werewolves, vampires and other demons. Doggett: What does any of that have to do with Mulder? Scully: I believe that Mulder wanted to investigate further and prove supernatural life exists! Doggett: I thought Mulder was into Aliens and outer space stuff? Scully: Well, he WAS dying! So I guess he wanted to expose anything at that point. Doggett: That's why they invented strip clubs. Scully: What? Doggett: Nothing. (Still reading the file) So you expect me to believe that an 18 year old girl kills vampires, except for her vampire boyfriend. Then hangs out with a practicing witch and her werewolf boyfriend. Scully: If we go to Sunnydale, I'll let you shoot something! Doggett: Can I cut something open, too? Scully: (pause) Fine. (Scully and Doggett head out to leave. Meanwhile, in another part of the building, Cancer Man is talking to Krycek.) Cancer Man: Well, think they're going to find Mulder, eh? Think they're going to expose the Initiative, eh? Well, I think NOT! Krycek: Um, aren't you dead? (Cancer Man slaps Krycek) Cancer Man: Thanks for the news flash, slick! Now gas up the car! We're going to follow them to Sunnydale! Krycek: Okay, Are we going to try and kill them... again? Cancer Man: Sure. Weather permitting. (Scully and Doggett are driving down the road.) Doggett: We're lost! Scully: No we're not! Doggett: Pull over! We're lost and we need directions! Scully: We are not lost! Doggett: Pull over or I put on the Filter CD again! (Scully hits the brakes. They park outside the Crashdown diner. Scully and Doggett walk in to see the kids from "Roswell" having one of their "Oh crap, we're about to be exposed as Aliens" meetings.) Doggett: One cup of coffee. Leave the pitcher. Scully: Where are all the adults? (Liz Parker brings Doggett a pot of coffee.) Liz: So, um, you guys, ah, new in town? Scully: Just passing through. Doggett: Can you tell us where we are? Max: Roswell, New Mexico. Doggett: Hey, Scully! What are the odds of that? Scully: Shut up! Isabel: So, where are you headed? Scully: Sunnydale, California. Can you tell us how to get there? Michael: Take the I-40 to highway 84 then you can't miss it. Tess: Do you have family there? Doggett: Official business. We're FBI. (The kids all huddle, argue, then try not to act conspicuous.) Scully: Where are you kids from? (Max is about to point up when Liz hits him.) Doggett: Are you kids okay? Kids: YES! Doggett: All right, that's enough. Isabel:What? What? Doggett: I know what's going on here... Max: What? Doggett: You kids are smoking weed. (All the kids sigh.) Doggett: It's all right. We used to party too when we were young! Scully: We did? Doggett: The kids used to call me "Doobie" Doggett. Scully: Can we go now? Doggett: Alright. Stay cool, "homies"! (Scully and Doggett leave.) Maria: I thought this was supposed to be a X-Files/Buffy crossover! Jesse Glaspey: I'M GETTING TO IT! I'M GETTING TO IT! (Scully and Doggett are driving. Cancer Man and Krycek are following them.) Krycek: ...Okay, so how is it you're alive? Cancer Man: EYES ON THE ROAD! Krycek: Sorry. Can we pass them? Doggett drives like an old woman! Cancer Man: No. The whole point of tailing them is to stay BEHIND them! Krycek: Can I put on my Britney Spears CD? Cancer Man: EYES ON THE ROAD!!! (Back in Scully and Doggett's car...) Scully: Jesus, Doggett! You drive like an old woman! Doggett: Nothing wrong with driving safely! As I recall, Mulder wasn't the best driver... Scully: He was kidnapped by a man who forced him to break speed limits or his head would explode! Doggett: Riiiiiiight. Scully: Okay! Sunnydale! Next left! (They finally arrive in Sunnydale. Scully directs Doggett to Sunnydale high. They drive up to see the high school wreckage.) Scully: Holy (BLEEP)! Doggett: Wow. Must've been one hell of a graduation party! Scully: Okay, there used to be a school here! Doggett: I guess kids started playing dodgeball for keeps in this town! Scully: Okay, now where the hell do we find Buffy? Doggett: How about the yellow pages? Scully: Oops. My bad. Doggett: And you were the smart one? Scully: Shut up!!! (Scully and Doggett drive up to the Magic Box.) Scully: Okay, this is the address her mother gave us. you go in, I'll feed the meter. Doggett: We're FBI. We feed the meter? Scully: Beats me. I'm just using the change I found on the table at that cafe back in Roswell. Doggett: That was that girls tip!!! Scully: Yeah. 84 cents will get her that Porsche she's always dreamed of. (Doggett shakes his head and goes inside. He sees Xander, Willow, Tara, Giles, Dawn and Anya researching.) Doggett: Excuse me... (Anya jumps out of her seat.) Anya: Hello, kind customer! Welcome! Would you like to give us money in exchange for goods and services? Doggett: Huh? Anya: This is a store! You buy things here. Although you look rather skinny. You may want to buy food before spending it on our items. Doggett: What? Giles: Anya! I'm sorry, sir. How may we help you? Doggett: I'm looking for a "Buffy". (Doggett reaches for his ID, Xander sees his gun.) Xander: Ooh! He has a gun! He's from the Initiative! Come to kill Buffy! Doggett: What? Willow: But he's so tall, pale and skinny! Maybe he's a vampire! Doggett: Bah? (Giles pulls out a crossbow.) Giles: Now you stay right where you are! Doggett: (Pulls out his gun) You stay where you are! (Doggett and Giles are at a standoff. Spike walks in.) Spike: Well, well! Looks like I came in at the right time! (to Doggett) You going to kill them now? (Spike pulls up a chair.) Okay. Fire away. (Points to Xander) Shoot him in the knees. (Doggett is confused. Buffy and Riley come in. Buffy sees this. Buffy kicks the gun out of Doggett's hands then kicks Spike in the face.) Spike: OW! Bloody hell! What was that for? Buffy: Isn't he with you? Spike: NO! Doggett: What the hell is going on here??? (Scully comes in with a sandwich.) Buffy, Willow, Giles and Xander: AGENT SCULLY! Spike, Riley, Anya and Tara: Agent who? Scully: What the hell is going on here? Doggett: That's what I'm trying to figure out! And where were you? I thought you were going to feed the meter? Scully: I did. But I got hungry. I'm pregnant. Remember? Anya: Either that or you've become really fat! Scully: HEY! (Meanwhile, across the street. Cancer Man and Krycek are watching. Krycek is on the phone.) Krycek: (On phone) Okay, so then Mabel says to me "You can't do that here! No hands allowed!" And I'm like, "I paid my money! I should grab what I want!" Cancer Man: Dear god... (Krycek hangs up the phone.) Krycek: Are Doggett and Scully up to something? Cancer Man: No. I just realized that listening to morons like you is what drives me to smoke. Krycek: So why are we following them again? Cancer Man: Because, we want to find Mulder. So we follow Scully and Doggett wherever they go. Hopefully, this "Buffy Summers" is they key! (Jinx and other demon cronies spring up around the car from out of nowhere.) Jinx: Did you say "key"? Krycek & Cancer Man: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! Jinx: Bring them to Glory! They may be of use to our magnificent flowery hell goddess! (Jinx and the others drag off Krycek and Cancer Man.) ======================================== COMMERCIAL BREAK ----- Coming soon to MTV and Sci-Fi.....Sliders: JACKASS! (The theme from Jackass plays and we see the following...) --- Johnny Knoxville: Hi, I'm Johnny Knoxville and I am sci-fi! (Kari Wuhrer sprays Johnny with mace.) --- (John Rhys-Davies is in his underwear chasing Wee Man.) --- (Charlie O'Connell is puking with Steve-O) --- (Bam Margera hits a sleeping Jerry O'Connell with a plunger) --- (Chris Pontius streaks in front of Sabrina Lloyd) --- Followed by LEXX: FEAR Viewer: OH MY GODDDDDDDDD! WHAT THE (BLEEP) IS THAT? ========================================== (Krycek and Cancer Man are dragged into Glory's apartment.) Glory: Ah, tell me one of these is the "key"! Jinx: We saw them hanging out by the Slayer's headquarters, Glory, o sultry siren of sin! They may have an idea of where the "key" is! Krycek: Um, I think we missed a meeting. What "key"? Glory: Playing dumb, eh? Cancer Man: Trust me, he's not playing. Glory: Forget it! He doesn't have to say a thing! (Glory jams her fingers into Krycek's head.) Cancer Man: SWEET JESUS! What the hell is she doing? Jinx: She's absorbing his mind, learning what he knows. Cancer Man: Is she that desperate to learn about reruns of Gilligan's Island? (Glory stops after a bit. Krycek slumps forward.) Glory: This isn't getting me anywhere! All I'm learning is that he likes chinese food and pornography! Krycek: Doggie sofa nickel flamingo... Cancer Man: My god! You left him brain dead! (A pause) Cancer Man: Dead-er! Glory: (Reaching for Cancer Man) Your turn! Cancer Man: Wait! I can help you look for this "key"! Glory: Really? What makes you think you can help? Cancer Man: Well, look at my resume! (Cancer Man hands Glory his resume. She puts on a pair of glasses and starts going over the resume.) Glory: Hmmm... I like what I see. (A pause.) You're the guy responsible for "Mutant X"? Cancer Man: Yep. (Glory slaps Cancer Man.) Cancer Man: I deserve that. Glory: You're hired! Find me the key! Cancer Man: Of course! Our first plan? Send our underlings to find it! Glory: Brilliant! I don't know why we haven't done that! Jinxy! Retarded guy! Find the "key"! Jinx: Yes, my luscious luciferian lassie! Cancer Man: Yeah, whatever. Just get the fuck out of here. Jinx: Immediately, my senile and smoking superior! Cancer Man: Huh? Krycek: Flannel junior news subway! (Everyone stares at Krycek. Jinx then hurries out and drags Krycek with him. Meanwhile, back at the magic shop, Scully and Doggett explained the story of Mulder's dissappearance.) Scully: And then...and then...a big bright light took Mulder... and all that was left behind was Mulder's shoes....WAHHHHHH!!!!!! (Scully starts crying. Anya holds her.) Anya: Now now, don't cry! I'm sure you'll find your friend's dead body somewhere. Scully: WAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Anya: Look on the bright side, his body might not be so horribly disfigured that you can't have an open casket funeral! Scully: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Buffy: Anya! That's not nice! Spike: It is funny though! Keep going! Scully: Who the hell are you??? Spike: I'm Spike...... (pause).... the big bad?.....William the Bloody?.....sigh. No respect. None at all. Scully: That's it. We're questioning all the new people!!! Doggett: Wonderful. ---- Scully: And who are you? Anya: I'm Anya! Xander's girlfriend. Scully: What's your history? Anya: I used to be a vengeance demon that would exact revenge on ex boyfriends! Doggett: I'm going to get a drink. Scully: Sit down! A vengeance demon you say? Anya: Yep. But I'm human now. Doggett: Now if only you were the sane kind... Scully: Quiet! Anya, does the name Ed Jerse ring a bell? Could you get revenge on him for me? Anya: Already did. His wife called me when they got divorced. Scully: She did? So you cursed him with the talking tattoo? Anya: Nope. I Set him up with you! Scully: WHY YOU LITTLE......! (Scully starts throttling Anya.) ---- Tara: I'm kinda new to this group... Willow: But she's nothing but an asset! She really helps! (Tara and Willow hold hands.) Doggett: (quietly) Scully! Did you see that? Scully: (quietly) What? Doggett: (quietly) They're holding hands! Scully: (quietly) So? A lot of women hold hands with their friends. It's quite common. Doggett: (quietly) Riiiiight. Scully: So, Red! What happened to dog boy? (Willow starts crying. Tara holds her.) Scully: What? What'd I say? Doggett: SEE! Don't you see it??? Willow: And this one time... at witch camp... Tara: Oh, here we go again.... ---- Spike:... So anyways, after I lost the Gem of Amarra I was kidmapped by the Initiative and they put this chip in my head so I can't bite anyone and anytime I try to hurt someone I get a massive headache. So I hang around here to annoy the Slayer and all her little mates. Scully: Wait! You said, chip in your head??? Spike: Yeah. Bloody pain in my arse. Scully: You poor baby! I know exactly what you're going through! Doggett: Wait a minute! You're a...vampire? Spike: Got wax in your ears, skinny? How many people can do this? (Vamps out) Doggett: Does my mother-in-law count? ---- Riley:...And so I quit the Initative and here I am with the love of my life, Buffy and I'm happy to be helping out! (Scully and Doggett start talking quietly.) Scully: He's so....nice! Doggett: Polite... Scully: Handsome... Doggett: Funny...You thinking what I'm thinking? Scully: "Dead meat"? Doggett: Bingo. Bet you ten bucks he won't last two seasons. Scully: You're on! Hey, whitebread! What happened to the vampire guy Buffy was dorking? Riley: Hey!!! ---- Dawn: Hi. I'm Dawn, Buffy's little sister. Scully: I don't remember a sister when me and Mulder were here... Buffy never had a sister! Doggett: Maybe she was at a boarding school or something? Dawn: Nope. Lived here in Sunnydale my whole life. Scully: So what the hell is going on here? Buffy didn't have a sister last time we were here! (Buffy walks up to Scully and whispers something in her ear.) Scully: Huh? A Dawn's a what? You gotta be kidding me! Dawn: Mr. Doggett? Can I see your gun? Doggett: Oh sure, I don't see the harm... (Doggett is about to hand his gun over to Dawn when Buffy and Scully slap their hands.) Buffy: Dawn! You're not supposed to play with guns! How many times do I have to tell you? Scully: Doggett! You're not supposed to hand your gun over to someone just because they ask! How many times do I have to tell you? (Dawn and Doggett hang their heads in shame.) Dawn: You never let me have any fun! (Dawn runs off crying) Doggett: You never let me have any fun, Scully! (Doggett is about to run off crying but Scully grabs him by his collar.) Scully: We're getting really off track here. So have any of you seen Mulder? Buffy: Not really. If you think he came to Sunnydale we could help you look for him. We'll split into groups. Doggett, Riley, Xander and Anya, you guys come with me. Scully, you go with Willow and Tara. Giles, you stay here and watch Dawn. Spike, you talk to whatever demon guys you can to find some information. Spike: Right. Because if anyone knows where to find a missing FBI agent with a penchant for pornography and aliens, it'll be a vampire. (Spike shakes his head and walks off.) Buffy: Alright! Let's go! (Meanwhile, at Glory's place... Cancer Man is sitting on the couch. One of Glory's minions is shining his shoes.) Cancer Man: So how much longer is Glory going to be in that shower? Unnamed Minion who will be dead before the end of the story: As long as her unholy underworldness needs to take. (All of a sudden, Ben walks out of the bathroom. He's wearing a frilly robe.) Ben: Dammit! How long is this going to keep happening? Cancer Man: Who in the hell....? Ben: Who're you? Minion: This is Cancer Man, he's helping the great Glorificus... Ben: Screw it. If he's in with Glory, I'm out of here. (Ben walks out the door. A second later, Glory comes in wearing the same robe.) Glory: Jesus Christ! Could one of you idiots stop me before I walk outside in only a robe? (Cancer Man has a confused look on his face.) Glory: Cancer Man, I'm sorry about all this. Cancer Man: It's okay. We're all just anxious waiting for your minion and Krycek to find this key. Glory: Well, in the meantime.... (Glory sits on Cancer Man's lap.) Cancer Man: Yeah! Yeah! In the meantime, we should... keep... busy! (Glory and Cancer Man start making out. Two of Glory's minions see this.) Minion #1: Should we say something? Minion #2: Nah. It's funnier like this. (Much later at the Magic Box, Giles is sitting down reading a book. Dawn is looking at various things on a shelf.) Dawn: Can I mess with this? Giles: No. Dawn: Can I mess with this? Giles: No. Dawn: Can I mess with this? Giles: No. Dawn: Can I mess with this? Giles: No. Dawn: Can I mess with this? Giles: No. Dawn: Can I mess with this? Giles: No. (Buffy, Riley, Xander, Anya and Doggett walk in.) Giles: Thank god. How did the hunt go? Buffy: Could have gone better. Xander: Doggett just kept walking up to people with a picture and asking "Have you seen this man?" Anya: Then a police officer stopped us and asked why a forty year old was hanging out with a bunch of twenty year olds. Doggett then looked uncomfortable. Giles: Wouldn't know that feeling... Riley: It was kinda funny. (Riley laughs a little, sees the expression on Doggett's face and immediately stops.) Doggett: You're army, right? Riley: Yeah. I was. Doggett: I'm an ex-marine. Go get me some coffee. Riley: SIR, YES SIR! (Riley runs off to fetch some coffee. Scully, Willow and Tara walk in. Scully is eating some nachos.) Scully: Sorry we're late. I got hungry. Willow: We got mexican food. (Willow and Tara bring out some tacos and start eating them.) Doggett: Tell me I'm not the only one noticing this! Voice: Oh, you're not! (Everyone turns around to see Jinx, Krycek and some vampire henchmen by the door.) Jinx: Now, which one of you is the Key? Buffy: Doggett, Scully... get behind us! (Jinx pauses and looks at Scully.) Jinx: Of course! Why didn't I think of it? The fat redhead! Scully: I'm PREGNANT! Jinx: Whatever. Her child must be the key! Grab her! Krycek: TESTES! (Everyone stops and stares at Krycek.) Jinx: Get them! (The henchmen attack. Buffy and the group start fighting. Giles is knocked out, so is Doggett. As the group is fighting, Scully is kidnapped. The henchmen, Jinx and Krycek leave.) Buffy: Dammit! Why is it every time you X-file guys come here, someone gets kidnapped? Doggett: (Waking up) Hackneyed writing? Jesse: Shut UP! ======================================== COMMERCIAL BREAK ----- Coming soon to the WB... Every legend has a beginning... The story of a hero when he was a boy... ATLANTIS! The story of Aquaman when he was a boy! (A young boy is talking to a fish.) Young Aquaman: Hi. Fish: Hey. Young Aquaman: How's it going? Fish: Alright... ATLANTIS! Only on the WB! Where we throw crap at a wall and hope it sticks... or hope it doesn't go to UPN. ======================================= (Buffy and the group have reconvened.) Doggett: Ow. My head is killing me. Giles: You get used to it after a while. (Willow and Tara come out of a closet. They hand ice packs to Giles and Doggett.) Willow: Here you go, Doggett. Doggett: Umm... thanks. Buffy: Okay, good news is Glory doesn't have the key. Bad news is that Scully has been kidnapped. Doggett: We have to save her! If we don't... then there'll be no one to second guess my decisions or force me to investigate some kind of pointless case involving the supernatural or the unexplained! (A pause) Doggett: So who's up for pizza? Buffy: Don't worry, we're going to save Scully. Whatever Glory wanted with her, it's not good. Doggett: So who is this "Glory"? Buffy: She's incredibly powerful and wants Dawn for some reason. Doggett: And that's all you know? Buffy: Well... yeah. Doggett: Don't worry. I know some people we can call... (The Lone Gunmen's place. The phone rings a couple of times. Jimmy Bond picks up the phone.) Jimmy: Hello? Lone Gunmen. My name is Jimmy, how can we help you? Doggett: Um, are Byers, Langly or Frohike around? Jimmy: They're busy right now. How may I help you? Doggett: Scully's been kidnapped. We need to know about a god. Jimmy: Do you really think praying is going to help your search? Doggett: Bah? Jimmy: Listen, how about I pray and you go search for Scully? Doggett: I just need to know about something named Glory! Jimmy: Fireworks? I know you weren't fond of working with her, but celebrating isn't right! Doggett: Huh? No! Not "Morning Glory's" Glory! Or Glorificus! Jimmy: Bless you! Doggett: No! I wasn't sneezing, I was saying her name you idiot! (Buffy grabs the phone from Doggett.) Buffy: Hello? My name is Buffy Summers and we need your Lone Gunmen friends to help. Jimmy: Hi Buffy! I'm Jimmy. Buffy: That's nice. We need that information... NOW. Jimmy: About what? Buffy: Glory! Dawn: What about Glory? Buffy: DAWN! Get off the line! I'm on the phone! Jimmy: Hi Dawn! I'm Jimmy. Buffy: AGH! (Buffy hangs up the phone and stomps on it. Jimmy looks confused and hangs up the phone. Frohike, Byers and Langly walk in.) Byers: Who was that? Jimmy: I'm not sure. Something about fireworks. Frohike: Will they call back? (Jimmy shrugs) Langly: Screw it. We've got better things to do. Frohike: The Best Of Cleopatra 2525 marathon? Langly: Yeah. Byers: But what are we going to do after those 30 minutes pass? (Rim shot) (Back at Glory's place... Jinx and Krycek bring in Scully. She sees Cancer Man and Glory sitting on his lap.) Scully: Cancer Man! You black lunged son of a bitch! This was your plan, wasn't it? Cancer Man: Hey, just because Mulder's gone, you have to call me that now? Scully: Well, yeah! Cancer Man: Well to hell with that! (Cancer Man stands up and Glory falls off his lap onto the floor.) Cancer Man: Once we have Mulder we're going to... Wait... why are you here? We sent our henchmen to bring the "Key" to us! You're no key! Glory: Although she's big enough to hold a bunch of them... Scully: HEY! Jinx: Sorry o' two titanic towers of terror! We saw the Slayer protecting her and we thought... (Glory throws a cat at Jinx.) Glory: I don't want you to think you idiot! I want the key! Scully: Geez, lady. You're acting like a child. Glory: (Jumping up and down) I want the key! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! I WANT IT! (Cancer Man holds Glory) Cancer Man: Don't worry baby! Maybe she knows where the key is! Glory: Yeah: We'll torture he until she tells us... Cancer Man: And then we'll use that key to find Mulder, kill him and rule the world! (Cancer Man and Glory start making out.) Scully: Oh god. Start the torture! Krycek: French baby monkey popcorn! (Everyone stops and stares at Krycek. All of a sudden, the doors to Glory's place burst open and Buffy, Willow, Xander, Riley, Spike and Doggett rush in.) Scully: Doggett! How did you and the others find me? Doggett: Well, we were having problems until Buffy remembered she actually knows where Glory lives. Buffy: Yeah. My bad. Sorry. Cancer Man: Whatever. You think you guys are going to stop us? Doggett: I think so. Cancer Man: Or what? You're gonna shoot me? Doggett: Yeah, I think I will! Cancer Man: Go ahead! Everyone knows that everyone in the X-files has horrible aim! Doggett: Oh yeah? Take this! (Doggett fires his gun. The bullet flies past Cancer Man and hits a wall, bounces off it and hits Jinx in the back of the head, killing him.) Jinx: Gah! (Jinx dies.) Doggett: Okay, that was just a warmup shot! Take this! (Doggett fires again. The bullet yet again misses, bounces off Glory's chest and strikes Spike in the leg.) Spike: OW! Bloody hell! Doggett: Sorry! Spike: No, no! Keep firing! Maybe you'll hit the Slayer! Doggett: Third time's the charm... (Doggett fires a third time and the bullet flies arounf the room killing every henchman of Glory's, but not it's intended target.) Doggett: Damn! This gun sucks! Riley: Well, the bullets seem to work pretty well! Doggett: Shut up. Riley: SIR, YES SIR! Cancer Man: Krycek! Get them! (Krycek rushes the group.) Xander: Let me handle this. About time I got something to do in this parody... (Krycek swings at Xander. He ducks it and knees Krycek in the crotch.) Krycek: (Falls to the ground) SPATULA! Xander: I think I understood him that time! Cancer Man: Well, you may have stopped our henchmen, but stopping my sweetie Glory will be a tad tougher! Get 'em Glory! Glory: Uh-oh... Cancer Man: What? Glory: Problem... Cancer Man: What kind of problem? (Glory turns into Ben.) Ben: This kind of problem. Cancer Man: GAH! Doggett: Well, there's something you don't see everyday... (Scully is crying.) Xander: Don't worry miss Scully! We'll free you! No reason to cry. Scully: I'm not crying cause I'm scared! Xander: Then why are you crying? Scully: Cause Mulder isn't here to see this! (Scully and the group look at Cancer Man, who is puking in a trash can.) Buffy: Quick! Grab Scully and get out of here before Glory comes back! (Doggett, Scully and the others run out. Ben turns back into Glory.) Glory: Dammit! I hate when that happens! Cancer Man: Oh I am so out of here... Glory: Fine! Get out! All of you! Buffy: Even me? Glory: Yes! Even you! Buffy: Okay... Works for me. Glory: But I will find the key if I have to die trying! Buffy: And you'll find it over my dead body! (Glory and Buffy stop, look at the the camera and then look back at each other.) Glory: Fine! Get out of here! Buffy: Okay, I will! Glory: Good, so go then! Buffy: Alright, I am! Glory: Great! Buffy: Terrific! Glory: Wonderful! Buffy: Grand! Glory: See you next Tuesday? Buffy: Sure. 7pm sharp. (They hug. Buffy leaves.) Glory: Well, Cancer cutie... Looks like it's just you and me... (Cancer Man is climbing out a window.) Glory: Sweetie? Cancer Man: Um, yeah... Listen, baby. That was cool, but I gots ta go now... (Cancer Man dives out the window.) Glory: DAMMIT! (Cancer Man comes back in through the door. He grabs Krycek by the collar.) Cancer Man: Sorry, forgot my retard. Krycek: Doorknob candy cane grizzly shoe! Cancer Man: Whatever. (They leave. Much later, outside the Magic Box, Doggett and Scully are getting ready to leave.) Buffy: So you guys are leaving so soon? Doggett: Damn right. Mulder's not in this town, meaning this trip has been a waste of time. Scully: Quicker we get out of town, quicker I can get something to eat. Anya: (To Xander) Told you she was just fat. Scully: (Off camera) I AM NOT FAT! I'M JUST PREGNANT! (Willow and Tara walk up to Doggett and hand him a brown paper bag.) Willow: We made you guys some lunch for the road. Doggett: Thanks. Listen, there's something I've been wanting to ask the two of you... Tara: What is it? Doggett: You two... are you two...? Willow: Witches? Yep. Big witches! Tara: Very passionate witches. Doggett: Oh... Willow: Oh! Plus we're lesbians! (Willow and Tara start making out.) Doggett: (To Scully) Do we have to leave so soon? (Scully grabs Doggett and drags him into the car. They leave. Buffy and the gang stare off, watching the car as it drives away. As the group is staring, Mulder walks up behind them and stares in the same direction. Buffy and the gang don't notice.) Mulder: What's everyone looking at? Buffy: (Still staring off) Some friends of ours just left town. Mulder: Oh. (Mulder stares off with them when an alien bird swoops down and snatches him away. No one notices. Buffy and the group head back into the Magic Box.) THE END. (Jesse stops typing and leans back in his chair.) Jesse: Thank god! This story is finally over! (Smallville's Kristin Kreuk gets up from under Jesse's desk.) Kristin Kreuk: (Wiping mouth) Great! Now when are you going to start on that Smallville/Buffy/Angel/X-Files/Sliders/Enterprise/Andromeda crossover? Jesse: Umm.... yeah, that's cool. Listen baby, I gots ta go now! (Jesse dives out the nearest window.) Kristin: I wonder if he remembered we're twenty stories up? (There's a splat heard off camera.) Kristin: I guess not. THE END. This has been a Sleepy Weasel production. (The Cosmic Weasel walks by) Cosmic Weasel: Grr... Arg!