Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones

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Yeah, George Lucas has been taking some major hits recently.  For some reason, The Phantom Menace has become the “worst movie ever” in some circles, he was hounded for giving members of N’Sux cameos in his newest movie, and he’s just become vilified as a profit monger and a hack.  For months now, word on the internet and media has been that the unfortunately titled Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones was going to be the worst Star Wars movie yet and, before the movie was even completed, scores of thirty year old virgins were screaming for George Lucas’ head.  Backlash is such an ugly thing.

sc-fan-shirtWell, it is kind of the worst Star Wars movie ever… but that’s still not bad.

Set ten years after the events in The Phantom Menace, Episode II centers around the budding romance of Mr. and Mrs. Vader.  Anakin has grown up from a bad child actor to a bad adult actor (true story.  Hayden Christensen blows, but at least it’s consistent with the last movie).  Palpintine has a firm hold on the senate, the Sith are growing in strength and in number, galactic turmol is on the rise and, if all this isn’t enough, someone is trying to kill now-Senator Amedala.  So, of course, the Jedi are sent in to try and protect her reuniting her with Obi Won and Anakin.

Next comes an investigation, a clone army, a juvenile Boba Fett and daddy Jango…

To be honest, it’s all rather dull.  I wasn’t that interested in the investigation, I wasn’t that interested in the love story between Anakin and Amedala.  I just wanted to see some space battles and lightsabers.

Thakfully, there isn’t a whole lot of Jar Jar Binks who has become a Representative in the Senate and manages to doom the entire galaxy.  What an asshole.

If you can stomach about two hours of meandering meaninglessness that this movie squirts out, you will be treated to a finale battle that makes it all worthwhile, I promise.

And, if that’s not enough, the movie comes to a head with none other than Yoda himself picking up a lightsaber and, like a vicious rabid muppet demon, kicks some major Sith ass.  Yeah, I know it sounds horrible.  I know when I first heard it, I was like, “What!?  Yoda does WHAT!?  That’s going to look like shit!”  Well, it actually looked pretty sweet.

If I can accuse Episode II of anything, it’s inconsistency.  The love story is dull and the majority of the movie is dull, but the final act seems to make up for it.

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About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.