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Ratchet and Clank

http://slightlywarped.com/ratchet-and-clank/

[yasr_overall_rating size=”large”]

An unlikely duo of a furry’s wet dream and a shorter C3P0 are on a mission to save the galaxy in Ratchet and Clank.

I was going to see this movie in theaters, but I was sick that day.

Yes, my friends, this was supposed to have been the inaugural film that would have ushered in a new age of video game of adaptations from Sony Playstation and Rainmaker, but it bombed spectacularly because the audience still remember the last age of video game adaptations I like to call “The Diarrhea Age” with the likes of Wing Commander, Tomb Raider, and Street Fighter… basically, the building blocks of what could be a “worst movies ever” list. I guess that’s why Ratchet and Clank failed so badly…  Bad memories and the terrible ad campaign that accompanied Ratchet and Clank as it respawned into Oblivion.

la-la-ca-summer-ratchet-and-clank-movie-jpg-20160428The truth is, Ratchet and Clank is not a bad movie.   I know bad movies… I see them often and frequently get back-alley blow jobs from them.   This isn’t a bad movie.

What it is… is unremarkable and, frankly, that can sometimes be just as damning.

The movie itself isn’t wholly terrible nor it is really that boring.  To be honest, I’m glad I watched it.  It has some good action pieces and the writing and dialogue is good.  I did laugh.  I did want to see how it ended even though it ended pretty much the way I thought it was going to.   Ratchet and Clank is formulaic and takes no chances… I don’t even think that they dared chance a single poop joke or innuendo.   This film actually takes no chances at all and you’ve seen every beat.   Small town nobody becomes somebody in the big city.  Bad thing happens and the kid goes back home all disillusioned.  The kid is talked into going back and saves the day.

Some high class cookie cutter shit right there.

I had an interest in this film, I’ll admit.  I love the Ratchet and Clank games and I have been known to beat off to Furry porn from time to time.  It’s a very faithful adaptation, going so far as to actually keep the video game voice actors in the starring roles.

But, as I said… it’s just content to exist and tell a story that doesn’t suck.

And it doesn’t.

But, it’s not great either… it’s just average.

Which does suck.

Most of the time, I let movies marinate in my mind for an hour or two before I write a review for them.  Heck, sometimes even longer than that!   With Ratchet and Clank, though, I knew I had to write my review right away, not because I was excited to, but rather because I knew that, if I didn’t, I wasn’t going to remember a goddamn thing that happened in the movie.

It’s one of those.

Still, compared to the other video game adaptations, this would be in the top five simply because the others were mounds of diseased testicle pus.

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.