Sliders Meet the X-Filesł: Beating a Dead Horse by Jason Donner (Contains 78% actual humor. Not a signifigant source of USDA approved entertainment.) Guest Starring "Rowdy" Roddy Piper Mary Lou Retton Marlon Brando Roseanne and Frank Gorshwin as "The Riddler" Episode Title: "Squeeze THIS!" [We see Dana Scully at her computer] Scully: Field report of Dana Scully April 28: It's been a month since Agent Mulder disappeared with that strange cult called the sliders. Although I miss him, his replacement is fitting in just fine. Arturo: Do you always do that? Scully: Do what? Arturo: Talk when you type? Scully: Yes... Arturo: I see, well, anyway... here's our newest cases. Scully: [taking folder] Let's see. We've got a UFO sighting by the Pope. Arturo: [skeptical] Yeah right! Scully: [reads another paper] A bigfoot trapped by hunters. They've put the body on ice and it's waiting in the morgue. Arturo: It's all the way downstairs! Scully: You're right. [reads another] A professional news team has made contact with an alien called V'jer... he says he has a cure for cancer. Arturo: It's an Iraqi trick, no doubt! Have the air force shoot it down! Scully: Done. [reads another] Here's a report of a murder. It seems that the killer managed to Squeeze himself down a drainpipe and then Squeeze himself into a mousehole. He then Squeezed into a breadbox and popped out and killed a lawyer and ate his liver! Arturo: You look as thought you remember this case from somewhere. Scully: Yes! I do remember an episode about a guy who could Squeeze into tight places and eat livers! I think it was called, "The Man Who Could Get Into Tight Places and Eat Livers!" Arturo: [Homer-ish] Mmmmm... liver... Scully: What was that guy's name? Skinner: Eugene Victor Tooms! Arturo and Scully: AHHHH! Skinner: AHHH! Scully: Don't sneak up on us like that! Skinner: Sorry... we just got a positive ID on the killer. It looks like Eugene Victor Tooms is back! Scully: But Mulder and I killed him by grinding him up in an escalator! There's no possible way that guy can still be alive! Skinner: Yeah, and how many times and ways did they kill off Jason in those Friday the 13th movies? No one ever bitches when HE comes back from the dead! Scully: Good point. Skinner: Our witness spotted Tooms in Los Angeles. You are to go there and stop him before he eats two more livers. Arturo: Why? What happens if he eats two more livers? Skinner: Who are you again? Arturo: Agent Maximillion Arturo. Scully: Mulder's replacement until gets back from infiltrating that cult. Arturo: It is NOT a cult you BLISTERING IDIOT!!! Scully: Whatever. Skinner: SHUT UP!!! Both of you! Get to L.A. and stop Tooms before he eats two more livers and goes back into hibernation for another 60 years! Arturo: But... but...! Skinner: Don't give me any of your butt Arturo! All you've done since you got here is eat twinkies and drink Yoo-hoo! I don't think one case will kill you!!! [Skinner leaves. Slamming the door behind him causing several pictures to fall of the wall and crash to the ground] Arturo: [taking a drink from an "X-Files" Mug] Let the parody begin! [Meanwhile on Another World...] Carl: Jane, I don't care if it's wrong! I love you! I love you dammit! Jane: Oh, Carl! [begins undoing blouse when, suddenly, a raggid man enters soaking wet] Jane: Father Richards! I thought you were dead! Richards: I was! But that's not important! Jane, Harriet is pregnant with Carl's baby! Jane: WHAT!? Carl, how could you!? Carl: I'm not Carl! I'm his evil twin brother James!!! [Meanwhile on a PARALLEL world in a room of the Dominion Hotel] Wade: [wakening from a deep sleep] AHHHH! Quinn: Wade? What's wrong? Wade: I had a terrible nightmare that we accidentally left the professor behind on a parallel world where the government was always conspiring and we took this weird FBI guy with us on a slide! Mulder: I'm not weird! Wade: AHHHHH!!!! Rembrandt: Go back to sleep, Wade. Wade: Uh... Ok. Mulder: When can I go home? Quinn: Agent Mulder, I'm only going to say this one more time... We CANNOT take you home. When the Kromagg threw you into the wormhole, you became trapped traveling between parallel worlds just like us. Just because your an agent from a parallel universe, doesn't mean that you can go home anytime you want!!! Do you understand? Mulder: We're having what for dinner? Rembrandt: It's bad enough not having the professor here? What else could go wrong. [Instantly, the door is kicked in and several Jem'Haddar storm in with their weapons drawn.] Jem'Haddar#1: Freeze scum!!! Rembrandt: What the hell!? Jem'Haddar#2: Be quiet human! Stand in respect in the presence of a founder! Quinn: A flounder? Jem'Haddar#2: Founder!!! Mulder: Found who? Jem'Haddar#1: No, not "found her"... "FOUNDER" Wade: [Wakes up] Ahhhh! I just had the worse dream! Quinn: This isn't the time Wade! Wade: That woman from Beastmaster II was in it, and she... [looks at Jem'Haddar] I'm still dreaming aren't I? Quinn: Uh.... Yeah, go back to sleep. Wade: Uh.... Ok. Jem'Haddar#1: Stand in respect in the presence of a Founder! Mulder: Found who? Founder: What the hell is going on in here!? Jem'Haddar#2: We found these humans in our secret base! Founder: [slaps Jem'Haddar] You IDIOT!!! The secret base is in the room NEXT DOOR!!! [to sliders and Mulder] Forget you heard that. Mulder: Found who? Founder: [shooing Jem'Haddar out the door] Get out of here! Go on! Jem'Haddar#1: But... But... Founder: No buts! I'll deal with you later! [to sliders and Mulder] Is there anything I can do to make your stay more comfortable? Rembrandt: What the hell was that all about? Founder: Nothing! Nothing! Nothing is strange about the Dominion Hotel! It's not like it's a plan by an alien empire to conquer late twentieth century earth or anything. It's... No, wait... forget that too. Err... Umm... Do you want some more towels? [Quinn, Rembrandt and Mulder are so stunned all they can do is nod] Founder: Excellent. I shall return in a... AHHHHHH!!! [A red wormhole opens behind the founder and sucks her in. Seconds later, the evil Logan Saint Claire jumps out pointing a gun] Quinn: LOGAN!!! Rembrandt: LOGAN!!! Mulder: Found WHO!? Logan: Quinn Mallory! At last I have you! Surprised to see me? Quinn: Not really, I read your contract. Logan: [a pause] SHUT UP!!! Wade: [waking up] Aw hell... am I still dreaming? Logan: Get up you twig! Wade: Yeah, yeah... [Wade gets up still convinced she's dreaming] Logan: Don't smart off to me! I've got a gun! Wade: [takes gun from Logan] Not anymore! Logan: [Takes gun from Wade] GIVE ME THAT!! Mulder: Now see here! Logan: Who the hell are you? Wade: [Takes gun away from Logan] Logan: [Takes gun back] STOP THAT!!! Answer the question! Mulder: Fox Mulder... FBI! Logan: Where's fat-ass? Mulder: Who? Logan: Arturo! My... [Takes gun away from Wade again] Do that again and you'll regret it! [to Mulder] My revenge won't be complete without getting rid of him too! Quinn: We'll never tell you where he is! Rembrandt: He's safe! Wade: Yeah, he's safe on Conspiracy Earth #69! Quinn and Rembrandt: WADE!!! Logan: HA!!! Now I will take you all to Earth #69 and shoot you dead as soon as I find the professor!!! Wade: Shoot us dead? With this? [holds up gun] Logan: GIVE ME THAT!!! [stomps on Wade's foot and slams her into the wall] Wade: [laughing then stopping abruptly] That hurt! Wait a minute... this isn't a dream! This isn't a dream! THIS ISN'T A DREAM!!! Quinn: Wade, you're never going to win an Emmy on a sci-fi show. Wade: Right. Mulder: Do you know what this means? Wade: I'm going to have to get a job at Chicago Hope? Mulder: This Logan babe is taking us back to my home earth Logan: Then I'm going to kill you! Mulder: Then she's going to kill me! [a pause] HEY! [Logan activates her timer and sucks the entire room into the wormhole.] [Earth #69: Los Angeles, California. 9:32am. 74° and cloudy. The Brady Household. Tooms is in the living room with the Brady kids] Cindy: Tho mither Tooms, how do you like living with usth tho far? Tooms: It's nice... very nice. Greg: Yeah, it's been pretty groovy having you here too as a boarder! Tooms: [Holding in profound disgust] Err... yeah. Groovy. Marsha: Would you like to help me and Alice in the kitchen Eugene? Tooms: Of course Marsha. Jan: It's always Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! Marsha! [Tooms and Marsha enter the kitchen.] Marsha: Alice? Oh, I guess she stepped out. Oh well, I just love baking cakes. Don't you love baking cakes? I love the way it makes the house smell like a bakery and... [As Marsha pratters on, Tooms begins to stare at her. As her words drowned out in the sound of Tooms' heartbeat, Tooms eyes turn yellow. He licks his lips and begin advancing on Marsha. Suddenly, Arturo and Scully crash into the house!] Scully: FBI!!! Arturo: Hands in the air! Scully: Who the hell are you guys? Bobby: We're the Brady kids. Arturo: Have we busted into the wrong house? Scully: Again? [Marsha and Tooms run in from the kitchen] Marsha: What's going on here!? Scully: THAT'S TOOMS!!! Arturo: What!? Scully: SHOOT HIM!!! [Scully and Arturo fire indiscriminately into the Brady household, catching several of the kids in the crossfire. Tooms manages to jump out a window] Arturo: He's getting away! Scully: After him! [Scully and Arturo jump over and step on the bloody bodies for the Bradys and chase Tooms into the street] Scully: Stop Tooms! You can't get away! Tooms: [stops] You're right Agent Scully. I give up. Scully: Well... uh... That was easy. I guess. Arturo: This should get me in good with Skinner. Nothing can possibly go wrong now! [A red wormhole opens above Tooms and Quinn, Wade, Rembrandt, Mulder, and a pistol-packing Logan falls on Tooms] Tooms: Owww! I'm not giving up anymore! Scully: MULDER!!! Mulder: SCULLY!!! Quinn, Rembrandt and Wade: PROFESSOR!!! Arturo: Oh... great. Hi. Logan: Excuse me. I still have my gun! Scully: So you do. I have a gun too! [points gun at Logan] Arturo: So do I! [points gun at Logan] Mulder: Me too! [points gun at Logan] Quinn: You mean you had a gun this whole time and YOU DIDN'T TELL US!!!??? Mulder: [shrugs] Arturo: What are you guys doing here? Rembrandt: Logan kidnapped us and made us come back here so she could kill you too! Scully: Wait a minute! Mulder, where have you been and who is this Logan character? Mulder: Scully! It's amazing! I've been spending the last month traveling between parallel worlds! For example, we visited this one world that was populated by talking cockroaches... then we visited a world where these two kids did nothing but watch TV, laugh, and say, "this sucks!" Then we visited a world where there was no water and there was this chick on a tank that dated a kangaroo! Now as for your second question, Logan is that woman running away with Tooms down the street. Scully: Well, I'm glad you cleared that... WHAT!? Arturo: Logan and Tooms just escaped. Scully: Why didn't you do anything about it? Arturo: I was captivated by Agent Mulder's story. This woman actually dated a kangaroo? [Later, in an abandoned warehouse...] Tooms: Thanks, you really saved my bacon! Logan: What? Tooms: You saved me from agents Scully and Mulder! Logan: That wasn't Agent Mulder! That was Professor Arturo! Tooms: No kidding? I thought Mulder was just bloated. Logan: Shut up! I must think of a plan to kill the sliders! Tooms: Kill the sliders? Logan: I'd love to, but I have to think of a plan! Tooms: Why don't you eat their livers? Logan: I'm evil, not sick! Tooms: I tell you what Lavern... Logan: LOGAN! Tooms: Whatever... You help me kill Mulder and Scully, and I'll help you kill those slider guys. Deal? Logan: DEAL!!! HA! HA! HA! HA! Tooms: What's so funny? Logan: I was thinking of something I saw on America's Funniest Home Videos. Tooms: The kitten in the blender? Logan: How did you know? [Later... at the Dominion Hotel] Arturo: I didn't know that there was a Dominion Hotel in Los Angeles! Founder: Oh yes, it's all part of our evil expansion into... I mean... it's a fanchise. Arturo: Oh... Can you bring up some ice? Founder: What do I look like? A bellboy? Get it your own damn self! Arturo: I knew we should have stayed at the Borg Inn. Scully: So Quinn, you are saying that that crazy woman is your female counterpart from a parallel universe who became trapped sliding after you messed up her timer for messing up yours and now she has vowed to kill all of you? Quinn: Yep. Mulder: You make a hot woman! Quinn: Thanks. Wade: So Scully, you're telling us that this Eugene Victor Tooms guy is a psycho mutant killer that can squeeze into small places and has to eat three human livers every sixty years or wind up in another episode of the X-Files? Scully: Correct. Rembrandt: We've got a major problem then if Logan and Tooms has joined forces. Scully: I don't think we have a problem at all. Arturo: How do you mean? Scully: Tooms will, more than likely swoon Logan into a false sense of security and then kill her and eat her liver. Sliders: Whew! Logan: [on TV] ATTENTION SLIDERS!!! Sliders, Mulder and Scully: Whazzat!? Logan: Eugene Tooms and I have joined forces! Scully: DOH! Quinn: How did she get on TV? Logan: You're probably wondering how I got on TV! Well, it wasn't easy! I had to tell ABC that I was Ross Perot and they gave me thirty minutes of air time to prattle on about whatever I wanted. Wade: I wonder what she wants. Logan: You're probably wondering what I want! Well, to put it simply, I want revenge! Revenge on all of you! Do you realize how hard it's been following you guys? I was almost killed by this geek in my dreams! I was sucked up by this weird twister! I met this annoying younger version of Quinn and killed him... no wait... that was a GOOD thing! But the majority of it was bad! Rembrandt: I wonder how she plans to kill us. Logan: You're probably wondering how I'm going to lure you to my hideout! Rembrandt: Well, two out of three ain't bad. Logan: I have already put a plan in motion to lure you here. Soon you will all be dead! DEAD I TELL YOU!!! DEAD!!! HA! HA! Quinn: Oh, come on! Does she actually expect us to just stroll into her trap? I mean, the timer expires in two hours. All we have to do is ignore her the way we ignore Wade and well be home free! Wade: Yeah... but, we can't slide from this dimension! We have to use Logan's timer to take us to the Earth we were on before! Arturo: I'm afraid we can't ignore Logan this time, my boy. We must get her timer and slide back to the dimension you were in before she kidnapped you! Otherwise, we can't slide! Wade: I just said that! Arturo: And we are all very proud of you, my dear. Mulder: What devious plan could Logan and Tooms have put together? Arturo: I don't know but... Ooo! An M&M! [bends over and eats it] Oo! Another one! [eats it] Oo! Another one! [eats it] Oo! Another one! [eats it] Oo! Another one! [eats it] Ooo... Quinn: One thing's for certain, whatever Logan has in store for us it ain't going to be pretty! [Arturo continues following the trail of M&M's out into the hall. Meanwhile...] Logan: Your plan to attract that pompous fat-ass here with a trail of M&M's was brilliant! You are so smart! Tooms: [blushes] When do you think that Arturo guy will get here? Logan: Given the space-time curvature of the universe times the molecular structure of... Arturo: Oo! Another one! [eats it] Oo! Another one! [eats it] Oo! Another one! Logan: About right now! [Logan and Tooms lure Arturo into a cage and then trap him. Meanwhile, back at the Dominion...] TV Announcer: ...and finally, Ross Perot has jumped up in the poll after coming on television with a boob job and a plan to kill a group of people called the sliders... Scully: Turn that off! Quinn: Sorry... Mulder: Scully, has Skinner thrown out my stuff? Scully: No Mulder, I told him that you were infiltrating this Sliders cult. [a pause] Scully: I said, I told him you were infiltrating this Sliders cult. [a pause] Wade: Professor, you're supposed to say, IT'S NOT A CULT, YOU BLISTERING IDIOT!!! Rembrandt: Say, where is the professor? Logan: [On TV] Right now you're probably wondering where the professor is! Quinn: What is she doing back on TV? Logan: First, I will tell you how I got back on TV! You see, Saturday Night Live is so desperate for guest hosts now adays, I told them I was Jane Fonda and was allowed on in a second! [laugh track. Logan looks around confused] Anyway, the professor is our clutches! By "ours" I mean me and my new boyfriend, EUGENE!!! Sliders, Mulder, and Scully: WHAT!? Logan: Yes, Eugene Victor Tooms is my new honey! Isn't that right dear? Tooms: Right cupcake! Scully: This is the most disgusting thing I've ever seen. Mulder: Worse than the guy who spontaneously grew his head back after it was cut off? Scully: [as Tooms and Logan kiss] Definitely. Quinn: What has she done with the professor!? Wade: I don't know! Quinn: I wasn't asking you! Logan: You're probably wondering what I've done to the professor! Scully: From this point on, no more feeding her any more lines! Logan: the professor is safe for now! Come to the Warehouse on 5th street unarmed! We'll be waiting! [The SNL audience begins mumbling.] Tooms: LIVE FROM NEW YORK!!! IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!!! [The SNL audience begins applauding] Wade: This is horrible! Mulder: I agree, Jon Lovitz should have never left the show! [Later, at the warehouse on 5th street] Quinn: Logan? We're here! Where's the professor? Scully: Where's Tooms? Logan: [unseen] Hello Quinny boy! Quinn: Where's the professor? Logan: Look up! Rembrandt: Look up? [As the Sliders and X-Filers look up, they see the Professor hanging from the ceiling by a rope eating a chocolate bunny.] Wade: You horrible wench! Mulder: Do you know how many calories are in a chocolate bunny!? His heart could explode any second! Logan: Come, come, Agent Mulder! I wouldn't hurt a hair on Max's head. He's the trap I've set up for you! Wade: I knew it! Logan and Tooms set a trap for us and they're using the professor as bait! Logan: No, you skinny bimbo! Arturo IS the trap? Scully: Wha...!? [Logan cuts a rope sending the portly proff crashing down on our heroes knocking them all unconscious. Later, the entire gang wakes up tied and gagged with a triumphant Logan and Tooms towering over them.] Scully: What do you want with us? Logan: I can't speak for my little shonkums, Toomsy-Woomsy, but I plan to kill the sliders for getting me lost between universes. Quinn: Toomsy-Woomsy? Mulder: What about you, Tooms? What do you want? Tooms: I want to go back into hibernation. Scully: But you can't go back into hibernation unless you... Tooms: Eat TWO more livers! Mulder: Where are you going to get two livers? Rembrandt: Especially at this time of night? Scully: I think he means Mulder and I. Mudler: I was afraid that what you thought he ment. [Tooms drags Scully and Mulder out the door.] Logan: Now it's MY turn! [Logan pulls her gun and unties Quinn] Quinn: What are you doing? Logan: I don't want you to die tied in a chair. Quinn: Oh, well... THAT'S a relief. Logan: So I'm just going to shoot you in between the eyes. Quinn: darn. Logan: Any last requests? Quinn: Don't kill me? Logan: Within reason? Quinn: Oh, well then, no. Logan: Any last words? Quinn: Yes, I.... Logan: That's enough! Quinn: HEY!!! Rembrandt: This is terrible! Wade: Don't worry Rembrandt! Something always comes along at the last minute and saves us! [Logan fires her gun. The scene slows down to super slow-motion as the bullet slowly creeps out of the gun and begins traveling toward Quinn's forehead. The bullet slowly creeps closer and closer and closer... Soon, Quinn begins to get noticeably bored. He taps his foot. Checks his watch, and then decides to step out of the way. The bullet gently flies by his head at an amazingly unreal amount of non-speed.] Logan: SHIT!!! Wade: HA! You loose Logan! What are you going to do now? Arturo: Perhaps she and Quinn could duke it out man to man? Logan: Good idea! Quinn: Wait... wait! WAIT!!! [Logan begins beating the snot out of Quinn. Meanwhile, Toom has dragged Mulder and Scully into an alley.] Tooms: [lovely looking at a scalpel] This is gonna be sweeeeet! Scully: Mulder, I can't get free! Mulder: That's the general idea that Tooms had in mind I think. Tooms: [getting closer to Mulder] Any last words? Mulder: Boobies. Tooms: I beg your pardon? Mulder: I just like saying boobies. Tooms: Oh. [Mulder's cel-phone rings] What was that? Mulder: Oh, that's mine. [effortlessly slides hand out of ropes and answers phone] Mulder. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, he's right here. Eugene, it's for you. Tooms: For me? Mulder: [Hit's Tooms over the head with the cel-phone.] Tooms: Well be right baaaack [collapses] Scully: Mulder, did you plan that? Mulder: Plan what? Scully: Nevermind. Just untie me! We have to save those cult members! [Back in the warehouse, Quinn is getting beaten up by Logan] Wade: I wish we could help him! Arturo: As do I! Without our help, Quinn and Logan are evenly matched since they are in fact the same person. [Logan falls in Arturo's lap, pushing her cleavage in his face] M-M-M-More or less. Logan: Eww! Don't touch me! [Logan proceeds to beat up Quinn] [Mulder and Scully show up] Scully: ...the hell? Mulder: Having a little trouble with the lady Quinn. Quinn: You... don't understand... that's... [Logan grabs Quinn by the nose and pulls his back into the fight] Nya-nya-nya!!! Scully: We should help him! Mulder: We can't. We must let Quinn fight his own battles! Scully: What the heck does that mean? Mulder: Don't know Scully... Just watch the fight! [Logan kicks Quinn between the legs. He falls to the ground and rips his shirt off on a nail.] JODSers: Wooo-Wooooo! Scully: Who was that? [Quinn is on the ground bruised and broken] Logan: Now you will die!!! [Quinn grabs a piece of board and holds it in front of his face. Logan punches it and breaks a nail] Logan: [starring at finger] Auuuuuuuuugh!!! [collapses on ground sobbing] Wade: That poor... poor... girl. Mulder: A broken nail... how the mighty have fallen. Rembrandt: Oh puh-lease! Quinn: It's over Logan, give me your timer. Logan: Here... what does it matter? My life is over. I'll never be pretty. Scully: [stares at Logan for a second - shaking head] So, what now? Quinn: [uniting Sliders] Logan's timer has less than three minutes left on it. we slide back to the dimension she grabbed us in and slide from there. Scully: What about Logan? Wade: We should take her with us, Quinn. Quinn: Uhh... Errr... Rembrandt: With her delusions of grander shattered, she's as helpless as a kitten! Arturo: Agent Scully, what about that Tooms fellow? Scully: Who? OH!!! I.. that is Mulder and I took care of him. Mulder: he'll be thrown in jail for about two months until that damn Ross J. Kelly Lawyer gets him off on a technicality. Lousy git. Quinn: It must suck to be an FBI agent. Scully: If you only knew. Quinn: [activating Logan's timer] It's time. [The red wormhole appears] Wade: Goodbye agent Scully, from you I have learned to stand up in what I think is right and believe nothing. Scully: Thatta girl! [Wade jumps through the wormhole] Arturo: Good-bye Agent Scully. I shall miss you. Scully: And I will miss you, Agent Arturo. You and I have casually dismissed so many cases that the X-Files are almost cleane out! Mulder: WHAT!? Arturo: [kisses Scully's hand] Adieu. Mulder: Wait a minute, what do you mean you... [Arturo jumps through the wormhole] Mulder: ...cleaned out the X-Files!? Rembrandt: Mulder... Scully... [with a look of disgust and a dismissive gesture] Ahhhh! Logan: I'd... I'd like to apologize for all of the trouble I caused. Mulder: That's ok. Scully: Yeah, sorry about the broken nail. Logan: Whaaaaaaaaaa!!! [Logan runs sobbing into the wormhole] Mulder: That's amazing! Logan Saint Claire has reformed! It's as though all of her evilness was concentrated in her fingernails! Quinn: Uhh... yeah. Scully: Well, I suppose you and your fellow gliders... Quinn: Sliders... Scully: Whatever... I suppose you are going to disappear for a while until there's another opportunity for an adventure with Mulder and I. Quinn: Agent Scully... I feel really sorry for you. You are absolutely unable to open your mind to new possibilities. You can't believe in anything. Besides, I am absolutely positively sure that there is NO WAY at all that the Sliders will ever cross path with the X-Files again! We got here by accident, the Kromags brought us back, and then Logan brought us back a third time! As far as I know, there isn't a way back for us! We are going and we are NEVER EVER COMING BACK!!! Scully: [mumbling] Good! Mulder: Good-bye Quinn. May your journey home be fast and your women faster. Scully: [stomps on Mulder's foot] MULDER!!! Mulder: Sorry! Quinn: Bye! [Quinn leaps into the wormhole and, as if on cue, the wormhole closes.] Mulder: Take a long good look Scully. That's the last we'll ever see of the sliders. X: I wouldn't be so sure of that Agent Mulder! Mulder: X? I thought you were dead! X: I was, I was brought back by Q and have been staying with Mr. T. Scully: Jeeeez! X: Here's a picture you should look at. [X begins walking away] Mulder: Wait! What's this about? X: You might be seeing the sliders sooner than you think! [X leaves] Scully: What is it? Mulder: [looks at picture] It's a picture of "The Who!" [On the previous parallel world, Wade, Logan, Arturo, and Rembrandt have exited the wormhole. They are waiting for Quinn] Logan: I'm a fraud. My life is ruined! Wade: There, there Logan... Here, you can use one of my press-on nails. [Quinn flies out of the wormhole and sees Wade put the fake fingernail on Logan] Quinn: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Logan: [looking at fake nail] I-I feel so strange. I feel so evil! Quinn: Logan... NO!!! You've reformed! Logan: REFORM THIS!!! [Logan kicks Quinn in the crotch and escapes into new wormhole] Wade: Are you OK? Quinn: Peachy! [collapses] [Earth #69... A few days later... All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make Jack a dull boy. All work and no play make...] Scully: Mulder, what are you up to now? Mulder: You know how people are always saying, "They say it's going to rain", and "They say Clinton's getting knee surgery", or "They say Skinner's sleeping with the chick from 'Profiler'"? Scully: Yeah... So? Mulder: Well, I happen to know that 'they' are meeting in a room at the Watergate hotel tonight! Scully: You're kidding... Mulder: Nope. They're meeting at the Watergate. At least, that's what they say. Scully: Oh Mulder, I've missed you! [Mulder and Scully begin laughing as "Merry-Go-Round Broken Down" begins to play.] Cancerman: Ah-beh-dee-beh-dee-beh-dee-beh-dee... THAT'S IT KIDS!!! THE END!?