Sliders meet The X-Files III: The Search for II.
(The Sequel to 'The Tooth is Out There")
by Jason Donner and Nadine "Rubacon" Chotay
Starring:
Rupaul Bill Cosby
Brent Spiner Paul Hogan
Mel Torme' David Brinkley
and
Scott Bakula
as
"Sam"
Episode Title: "Sex, Lies, and Cancerman"
[Over the skies of Washington D.C., a big red wormhole opens. Barreling
out through the vortex is a strange object, it's erratic flight path on an
obvious collision course towards earth. From inside what appears to be a
ship, screams could be heard.]
Kromagg Gunner: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! We're going to
DIE!"
Kromagg Pilot: Shut up! You're breaking my concentration! What's wrong
with the wormhole!?
Kromagg Science Officer: Interference caused by too much nicotine in the
atmosphere! It's causing a particle flux in the space time continuum.
he matter around the wormhole is becoming unstable!
Pilot: Which means?
Science Officer: We'll be eating dirt soon!!!
Pilot: Where is this nicotine coming from?
Science Officer: Well, from previous earth's we've robbed and pillaged in
he past, remember it being a byproduct of cigarette smoking. I've
isolated the source and it's coming from the east coast of this land.
A place called Washington, a big white building, 3rd floor, 2nd door
to he left.
[Meanwhile, in the White House]
Cancerman: I just want a little respect, ya know. These days I don't seem to
be getting any.
Bill Clinton: Have you tried hookers?
Cancerman: RESPECT!!! I haven't been getting any RESPECT!!!
Bill Clinton: Oh, well... I feel your pain........
Cancerman: You ARE my pain.
[Back in the Kromagg ship]
Pilot: Can we destroy the nicotine source!?
Science Officer: We can't, our weapons are not functioning......
[Suddenly a huge explosion rocks through the ship and the science officer is
thrown through the air onto the floor, next to a horrified redshirt. He
reaches down and checks for a pulse,
Redshirt: He's dead!
Pilot: [looking at the decapitated body]: Ya don't say! What's our status?
Gunner: The vortex has closed and our stabilizers are off-line. In
approximately 3 seconds we're going to crash land."
Pilot: Oh God, we're gonna die, and I haven't even lost my virginity yet!!!
ALL HANDS BRACE FOR IMPACT!"
[From a far distant corner the Kromagg gunner pulls out a teddy bear and
cuddles it close to him]
Gunner: [whispering] Don't worry teddy, it's going to be OK.
[The ship crashes on the front lawn of the White House.]
Bill Clinton: Hillary, see who it is.
Hillary: Bill? Where you expecting aliens?
Bill Clinton: No. Were you expecting aliens?
Cancerman: No.
[F.B.I. Headquarters. Two Hours later]
Mulder: Check this out Scully. I just got a call from an informant.
Scully: What kind of call.
Mulder: A telephone call. It seems that just a mere two hours ago, an
aircraft crashed on the front lawn of the White House.
Scully: No kidding. [a pause] So?
Mulder: It doesn't match any known aircraft in use today.
Scully: [another pause] So?
Mulder: It could be a vessel of alien origin!
Scully: So?
Mulder: Scully? Are you even listening?
Scully: So?
Mulder: [slaps Scully] Scully!
Scully: WHAT!?
Mulder: The aliens have landed on the front lawn of the White House!
Scully: [a pause] So?
[The White House lawn - thirty minutes later]
Mulder: [To secret service guy] Has anyone been in or out of this craft?
Secret Service Guy: Not to our knowledge. Whoever flew this thing might
be injured and trapped inside. Either that or they saw Chelsea
Clinton looking out her window and they've been to afraid to come
out.
Clinton: Chelsea's at camp.
Secret Service Guy: Oh, right.
Mulder: Mr. President, I'm Agent Mulder with the F.B.I.
Clinton: And I'm president Clinton of the USA.
Mulder: I know. You seem pretty composed Mr. President, considering
that a UFO has crashed on your lawn.
Clinton: Small planes, bullets, Hillary... It gets a little commonplace after a
while. So, what can you tell me about this ship that's crashed on my
lawn?
Mulder: All I can say is that it looks like a Manta Scout Ship that is
currently surveying parallel dimensions for the Kromagg Dynasty.
Scully: Mulder, what makes you say that?
Mulder: Well, the doormat says, "Welcome to the Kromagg Manta Ship
serving the Kromagg Dynasty - Your key to interdimensional travel
- Please wipe your feet."
Scully: I see. What is the Kromagg Dynasty? Some kind of a military
faction? A terrorist organization? A law firm?
Clinton: Excuse me.
Mulder: I'd say it's bigger than that Scully. I think that the Kromagg
Dynasty is a culture from a parallel universe. You know, like those
sliders we met.
Scully: Who?
Clinton: Uh... Guys?
Mulder: You remember them? We went to San Fransico in search of the
"Nasty-ass teeth" murderers and while there, we met these four guys
who claimed to travel between parallel earths via a timer.
Clinton: Agent Mulder, I really think that you should...
Scully: Oh yeah! Then Cancerman stole the timer and we chased it down
to Area 51 where they got it back and disappeared in a vast hoax!
Mulder: It was not a hoax!
Scully: Was too!
Mulder: Was not!
Scully: Was too!
Mulder: Was not!
Clinton: Excuse me but...
Scully: Was too!
Mulder: Was not!
Scully: Homo!
Mulder: Bovine!
Scully: Geek!
Mulder: Bitch!
Clinton: SHUT UP!!!
Mulder and Scully: WHAT!?
Clinton: I've been trying to tell you guys that some guy in a helicopter just
took your UFO.
Mulder and Scully: WHAT!!!
Mulder: Who did it! I want answers!
Scully: All of the above!
Secret Service Guy: Who was Walt Disney?
Clinton: The capital of Georgia is Atlanta!
Mulder: With all due respect, Mr. President, shut up. Who took the UFO?
Clinton: I didn't get a good look at the guy. His face was obscured by a
cloud of cigarette smoke.
Scully: The Cancerman! That jerk's done it to us again!
Mulder: We were close Scully! So close! If we had just gone inside the
craft instead of engaging in that stupid argument about the sliders.
Scully: You mean "alleged" sliders.
Mulder: I mean the sliders.
Scully: They were hoaxers.
Mulder: Were not!
Scully: Were too!
Mulder: Were not!
Scully: Were too!
Clinton: Tastes great!
Mulder and Scully: Less fill- SHUT UP!!!
[On a parallel earth, the wormhole belches out the sliders in a great forest]
Quinn: Whoa! Check out this place!
Rembrant: Wow! I've never seen trees this big before!
Wade: They make the redwoods look like match sticks!
Arturo: I say, I do believe that we are in big trouble lads.
Quinn: Why would you say that professor?
Arturo: I believe we have stumbled onto the Kromagg Homeworld.
Wade: WHAT!?
Quinn: Wait! What makes you think that?
Arturo: You said that the Kromaggs come from a dense rain forest world.
Am I right?
Quinn: You are, but that's still no basis to guess that we are on the
Kromagg homeworld.
Arturo: No... but the hoards of armed guards behind you should.
Quinn: Ah... I see.
Kromagg: Come with us!
[FBI headquarters... 13:09pm]
Mulder: [on phone] Yes, I'm calling because our clock is still broken.
Yeah, It says it's 13:09pm. Yes, I know that there's no such thing as
thirteen o'clock. Ok... bye.
Scully: [enters] Mulder, I just had the strangest conversation with a young
woman named Logan in the hallway. She was looking for the guy
in "My Secret Identity" and another guy that looked like Pavoratti.
It sounds like an X-file to me!
Mulder: Normally, I'd agree. But right now I've got to get to California.
Scully: Why?
Mulder: I just got an anonymous tip on where to find our missing UFO.
Scully: Mullllllllder!
Mulder: I can't give up on this Scully! That black-lunged SOB has
outsmarted us time and again.
Scully: Well, he's outsmarted YOU time and again.
Mulder: I just want to win... just once. What do you say Scully?
Scully: Do I have to do anything?
Mulder: No.
Scully: All right. I'll go.
Mulder: Excellent.
Scully: Where in California are we going?
Mulder: Area 53.
Scully: Don't you mean Area 51?
Mulder: No, you see Area 51 is for stuff from UFOs. Area 53 is devoted
to archiving stuff from other dimensions. You see, there's a
different area for different stuff!
Scully: Uh-huh. And I suppose that your "informant" told you that too.
Mulder: He did.
Scully: Yeah, ok... what do they keep in Area 1?
Mulder: Bermuda triangle stuff.
Scully: Area 12?
Mulder: Stuff from Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch.
Scully: Area 40?
Mulder: OJ's missing luggage.
Scully: Mulder?
Mulder: Yeah?
Scully: Your nuts.
Mulder: Are you ready to go?
Scully: Yeah, let's get this parody moving in a direction that's remotely
close to foreword.
[On the Kromagg Homeworld, the Sliders are in a jail cell]
Mary: Hello Quinn.
Quinn: Mary!? I thought you were dead!
[In the Kromagg's observation room, unseen by the sliders]
Kromagg1: Shit! I knew we forgot something!
Kromagg2: Uhhhh.... Uhhhhh... tell her to make something up!
Kromagg1: Ok... Mary, make up some kind of a story.
Mary: Ok, I will.
Quinn: You... will what?
Mary: Hmm? Oh! I was dead, but uh.... K-Kromagg medicine is very
advanced.
Wade: Kromaggs can bring people back from the dead?
Mary: They can? They've never told me that before!
Wade: You just told us.
Mary: What? Oh... Yeah, well, I wasn't really dead I was... uh...
Rembrandt: Asleep?
Mary: That sounds good.
[a pause]
Kromagg1: Mary?
Mary: What?
Quinn: Hmm?
Kromagg1: Say something!
Mary: Oh! So... Quinn. How've you been.
Quinn: Fine.
Arturo: Wait a minute! If the Kromaggs knew you betrayed them, why
didn't they kill you?
Kromagg2: Mary, tell them that the Kromaggs showed you mercy.
Mary: The Kromagg showed you mercy. [a pause] No, dammit! Tell
them that they showed YOU mercy! And quit repeating everything
I say! You're going to make them suspicious!
Quinn: Are you all right?
Mary: Damn, this Mary girl sure is stupid.
Wade: No argument here.
Mary: What the...!? Did she just repeat that too? Oh man!
Arturo: I believe that the Kromaggs are sending Mary messages via
telepathy.
Quinn: Mary, tell the Kromaggs that we just want to get home.
Mary: Ok...
Kromagg1: She says that they just want to get home.
Kromagg2: Well, I don't see why we just can't let them go, I mean... they're
nice kids.
Kromagg3: Guys?
Kromagg1: Who are you?
Kromagg3: I'm the guy who delivers the plot twist.
Komagg1: Oh, well then, go ahead.
Kromagg3: A manta ship just crashed on Earth #69.
Kromagg2: Conspiracy Earth? What happened to it?
Kromagg3: It had just entered the atmosphere when it hit a thick cloud of
cigarette smoke. The nicotine caused their wormhole to destabilize
and the ship crashed.
Kromagg1: Conspiracy Earth... Of all places... why there?
Kromagg3: It is a sequel after all.
Kromagg1: Thank you and shut up. What is the condition of the crew?
Kromagg3: Unknown. The craft has been taken to a top secret
government installation.
Kromagg1: We can't invade that Earth. If we did, the cigarette smoke in
the atmosphere would down our ships in seconds!
Kromagg2: We need a diversion to get a small shock troop in and get our
ship and crew out!
Kromagg1: I think I know the perfect diversion! According to our records,
the last time the sliders were on Earth #69, they caused
pandemonium at Area 51! Perhaps if we sent them back there...
Mary: ...they will do it again. Then we may rescue our downed ship and--
Wait a minute! I think Mary's still repeating everything we say. I'm
bored, let's just mess with her head now. I'm a little teapot short and
stout... here is my handle, here is my spout...
[Mary continues to sing as the confused Sliders look on. Later, the
Kromaggs pile Quinn, Arturo, Wade, and Rembrandt into a small manta
ship]
Wade: Where are you taking us!?
Mary: The Kromaggs are letting you go!
Quinn: That's a relief.
Mary: They are going to drop you off on Earth #69.
Quinn: WHAT!? If we get taken to another Earth, we won't be able to
access our gateway! We'll be stranded!
Mary: Oh, bitch... bitch... bitch... Have a nice flight. [Mary slams the
door]
Stewardess: Welcome to Kromagg Air. For safety and convince, exits
have been placed in the front and back of the craft. In the unlucky
event of a loss of cabin pressure, air masks will drop from the
ceiling. Place the mask over your face, insert 25 cents and breath
normally. And now we will go over how to use the Seattle...
Rembrandt: Earth #69? Conspiracy Earth? Why does that sound so
familiar?
Quinn: I don't know Remmy... I just don't know...
Stewardess: [continuing] ...Place the small metal flap in the large buckle...
[On Earth #69 - Dorcester, CA - Population: 12]
Mulder: Here we are... Dorcester, California.
Scully: I don't see any kind of government installation Mulder.
Mulder: It's over there Scully.
Scully: In Bob's Convenience store?
Mulder: It's not a convenience store Scully. It's a front.
Scully: For Area 53?
Mulder: No.
Scully: No?
Mulder: It's a front for the Government's Highly Illegal Biological Weapons
Testing facility.
Scully: The government's running a biological weapons testing facility!?
Mulder: No... it's a front too.
Scully: For Area 53?
Mulder: No.
Scully: Bah...?
Mulder: That biological weapons testing facility is a front for the
governments eugenic testing compound.
Scully: Testing compound? Eugenics!?
Mulder: Uh-Huh.
Scully: Let me guess. It's a front too.
Mulder: No.
Scully: No!? Then where the hell is Area 53!?
Mulder: It's in the Eugenics building.
Scully: [a pause] Wait a minute. I'm totally confused. You're telling me
that Bob's convenience store in Dorcester California, is nothing but
a front for a biological weapons testing facility run by our
government, which in itself is a front for a eugenics testing facility
also run by our government, which also contains the recently fabled,
but never-before heard of, Area 53 which is devoted exclusively to
stuff from other dimensions.
Mulder: Yeah.
Scully: This is so stupid!
Mulder: Stupid huh? Follow me.
[Mulder and Scully enters Bob's convenience store]
Scully: It looks like a normal convince store to me.
Mulder: Just wait. [to clerk] Excuse me, are you Bob?
Butch: No, the names Butch.
Mulder: Can I speak to Bob?
Butch: No. You see, Bob doesn't exist.
Mulder: Doesn't exist?
Butch: You see, this place used to be called "Butch's convenience Store".
When I changed it to "Bob's convenience Store" it tripled my
business.
Mulder: Uh-huh, well... I want to buy a pack of whiskey.
Butch: What?
Mulder: The cheese in aisle eight is dripping.
Butch: Huh?
Mulder: I'd like to see a monkey made of chocolate.
Butch: What the hell are you talking about!?
Mulder: I'm giving you the passwords.
Butch: Passwords?
Mulder: To get into the government installation in this store.
Butch: Area 53?
Mulder: Yeah.
Butch: Well, why didn't you say so! Come with me!
Scully: It's an idiot proof top secret area Mulder.
[Butch opens the non-alcoholic beer section revealing a vast science lab
manned by hundreds of scientists. All dead with their eyeballs gouged out.]
Butch: Let me know if you need any smokes. [walks off]
Scully: Mulder... What happened to these people?
Mulder: It looks like their eyes have been gouged out.
Scully: This is worse than that guy who ate the livers. What was his name?
Mulder: Dahmer.
Scully: No, the guy we caught.
Mulder: WE caught Dahmer?
Scully: No! We caught that guy named.... MULDER!!!
Mulder: We caught a guy named Mulder? SCULLY!!!
[The Kromagg leaps from the darkness and pounces on the two FBI agents.
Mulder and Scully both loose their guns and fight back the best they can.
Meanwhile, in a Kromagg wormhole...]
Stewardess: We'd like to thank you for flying Kromagg air, it's time to
deplane.
Quinn: Deplane!?
Arturo: Deplane!?
Wade: Deplane!?
Rembrandt: Deplane!?
Tattoo: Deplane!!! Deplane!!!
[The Stewardess pushes the Sliders out the door. The sliders fly down the
vortex and out of sight. Back in Area 53, the Kromagg is about to de-eye
our favorite FBI agents when a red wormhole appears and the slider jet out
of it. Arturo lands on the Kromagg and squashes him.]
Mulder: Scully! Are you all right?
Scully: Yeah.
Mulder: Good thing I saved you.
Scully: Yeah... Who are these guys.
Quinn: Agent Mulder? Agent Scully?
Scully: Mulder! It's those gliders!
Wade: Sliders.
Scully: Whatever.
Rembrandt: Now I remember why Earth #69 sounded familiar! We've
been here before! You know, in that lame parody... uhhh...
Mulder: The Tooth is Out There?
Rembrandt: No, it's that one with Area 51 and the nasty-ass teeth killers...
Mulder: The Tooth is Out There.
Rembrandt: No, that's not it. It's the one where that cigarette guy stole our
timer.
Mulder: Yeah, it's called, "The Tooth is Out There".
Rembrant: No! It's called...
Wade: KROMAGG!!!
Rembrant: No, not Kromagg... it's...
Wade: Rembrant! Look! Kromagg!
Scully: Kromagg? Is that what this guy is?
Quinn: Yeah, and judging by the look of all these scientists. He looks
hungry. Is it dead?
Arturo: Yeah, and pretty much so at that.
Mulder: Listen, we're here because this guy's ship crashed on the front
lawn of the white house and before we could investigate, the
Cancerman stole it.
Wade: The guy who stole our timer!?
Mulder: The same.
Wade: That SON OF A BITCH!!!
Quinn: Wade!
Wade: Sorry, it just felt so natural.
Scully: Let's find this ship Mulder's been talking about.
Mulder: Sounds like a plan. You guys wanna come with?
Slider: Sure! Why not? Yeah...
[Deep in the Eugenics section, Mulder and Scully find a survivor...]
Mulder: Hey guys! We've found a survivor!
Scully: [to survivor] Now, stay calm. Everything's going to be all right.
What's your name?
Khan: Khan Noonian Sing.
Scully: Are you a scientist?
Khan: No... I... I'm one of their experiments.
Mulder: Experiments? In Eugenics?
Khan: Yeah. Cool huh?
Wade: Listen, Can...
Khan: Khan.
Wade: Whatever... You need to get out of here ASAP! There's a shipfull
of Kromaggs loose in the building.
Khan: I fully intend to leave my dear. I have loaded my crew onto that
ship over there so that we may explore the stars. Good-bye. [Khan
boards the SS Botany Bay, which promptly blasts off]
Mulder: Scully! Did you see that!? Scully? Scully? Scully!
Scully: Hmm?
Mulder: Did you see that ship blast off?
Scully: No. I wasn't paying attention. Look at this.
Mulder: What is it?
Scully: It appears to be someone cowering under a sheet.
Mulder: What a puss.
Scully: Hey there! You can come out, we're friends!
Mulder: Yeah, the big nasty Kromagg is gone now... (cough cough)
Scully? Do you smell...?
Scully: Cigarette smoke!
[The man comes out from underneath the sheet]
All: CANCERMAN!!!
Cancerman: What?
Scully: You stole the reported UFO that crashed on the white house lawn!
Mulder: You took it to Area 53!
Quinn: You stole our timer!
Rembrandt: You're causing us to suffer from second-hand smoke!
Wade: You're causing us all to yell!
Cancerman: [grabbing Mulder] Mulder! You've got to help me! It's
horrible!
Mulder: What's horrible?
Arturo: It means disgusting or horrifying.
Mulder: Oh, thanks.
Scully: What did you do to all of these scientists!? What was that thing
that tried to kill us? What is the capital of Portugal?
Cancerman: I didn't do anything! I don't know! Lisbon!
Scully: He's good.
Wade: For once this guy's telling the truth. That thing that attacked you
was a Kromagg, they eat eyes!
Mulder: Oh. That explains everything.
Scully: That doesn't explain jack!!!
Cancerman: Excuse me.
All: WHAT?
Cancerman: If I explain, will you help me?
[The X-Philes and Sliders huddle together not unlike a football team.
Finally, they break]
Mulder: Yes.
Cancerman: Fine! It all started in 1993. I was in Lima, Peru and it was a
sunny day. Suddenly, I looked up and saw...
Rembrandt: Uhhh... we really don't have time for flashbacks right now.
Cancerman: So you want the short version?
All: Yes.
Cancerman: It all started yesterday. I was having Hillary Clinton's farewell
dinner before she was to be hauled off to prison...
Mulder: Shorter.
Cancerman: Shorter?
Mulder: Shorter.
Cancerman: It all started two hours ago. I was in the john when...
Arturo: Could you possibly just give us the bare facts.
Cancerman: We opened up the UFO. These ugly guys jumped out and
killed everyone.
Mulder: Why didn't they kill you?
Cancerman: I'm established.
Mulder: So was X.
Scully: And Deep Throat.
Quinn: Who are Deep Throat and X?
Mulder: Former informants of mine. Now they are both dead.
Quinn: Oh... they sound like porno stars.
Mulder: You know... they really do, if you think about it.
Arturo: How many Kromaggs are there?
Mulder: I don't know.
Arturo: Not you! Cancerman!
Cancerman: Four, I think.
Arturo: Three. I heroically killed one of them.
Quinn: You heroically crushed one under that big butt of yours.
Arturo: Same difference. SAY! I just had a thought.
Wade: The first time is always special.
Arturo: With the Kromagg ship stowed here in Area 53 somewhere, we
have a means to get back to the Kromagg Homewold!
Scully: Why would you want to get back to the Kromagg homeworld?
Arturo: Because we can only access our wormhole in the world it
deposited us into, If we try to slide from here we'll be stranded
with... [looks at Mulder, Scully, and Cancerman] ...these guys.
Wade: Right. So, we have to find the Kromagg's Manta ship and fast!
Cancerman: Not so fast!
Quinn: What now?
Cancerman: That ship is the property of the US Government!
Mulder: Fine then. YOUR butt is property of the Kromaggs. Let's go
Scully.
Cancerman: Wait! I, uh... changed my mind.
Scully: Big surprise. Show us where the manta ship is, you son of a bit-
Cancerman: [interrupting] IT SHOULD be right down this hall.
[Later]
Cancerman: It's in this door.
Scully: Area 53 is a little room in a eugenics compound?
Cancerman: Yeah. Keen, huh?
[The group enters]
Cancerman: Everything you see here was confiscated by out government.
Quinn: Wade, what do you see over there?
Wade: A modified DeLorean, An Omini, something called a
T.A.R.D.I.S...
Rembrant: Hey guys! I found it!
Mulder: The manta ship?
Rembrant: No, the Goodyear blimp. What do you think?
Scully: The door looks like it's locked.
Ship: Protected by Viper! Stand back!
Cancerman: Bastards! They've put up some kind of protective shield!
[Quinn kicks the ship causing the car alarm to go off. The three remaining
Kromaggs jump out of the ship and take the X-Filers and Sliders prisoner]
Rembrandt: Oh.. smooth Quinn. Why don't you just get on the P.A.
system and announce we're here!
Kromagg Pilot: You are our prisoners!
Scully: YOU did not have to tell US that!
Kromagg Redshirt: Hey! Lookie who it is! It's those spiders.
Wade: Sliders!
Redshirt: Whatever.
Kromagg Gunner: Well, we have some prisoners. Now what do we do?
Pilot: Let's interrogate them!
All Kromaggs: Yea!!!!
Cancerman: How see here! You don't know who I am!
[The Kromaggs spray a strange green gas at the humans who pass out]
[In the Manta Ship's holding cell, Our heroes (+1 enemy) awakens]
Scully: Ohhhhhh... Don't make me go to school today...
Arturo: Ohh... Fifi! Woo Woo!
Cancerman: Philip Morris is my friend... ZZZZZZZZ....
Wade: ZZZZZZZ (snort) ZZZZZZZZ (drool)
Rembrandt: Ummm... More red jello please...
Quinn: Ohhhh.... Ultraman to the rescue!!!
Redshirt: HEY!!!
All: WHAT!!!
Redshirt: Wake up! I cannot stand this senseless babbling!
Scully: Where are we?
Arturo: In a Kromagg holding cell, no doubt.
Scully: Perfect! Does anyone have any bright ideas about how to get away
from these ugly, smelly, no-good...
Redshirt: Please! My ears are burning!
Scully: Sorry.
Redshirt: ...and it's not funny, is it?
Scully: No.
Arturo: Has any one seen Fox?
Wade: Not since Friday. That's when we're on.
Arturo: Not FOX, the channel, you BLISTERING IDIOT!!! Fox the man!
Scully: Mulder? Is he not here?
Quinn: The Kromaggs must have him!
Scully: What are they going to do to him!?
Arturo: Horrible things! Hideous things! Terrible things!
Scully: They're not going to make him watch Millennium, are they?
Arturo: I don't think so.
Scully: Then he'll live.
[In a separate room, the Kromaggs have put Mulder on one of those really
cool gravity walls that hold you in place. Mulder is obviously confused]
Mulder: Hey what's going on! How'd I get stuck to a wall.
Pilot: Super glue. Now Shut up! And for the sake of a little literary clarity,
from this point on I will be called, 'Interrogator' and not 'pilot'.
Mulder: Sounds fair.
Interrogator: Answer these questions and we'll let you go free. What is the
secret of herbs and spices in Kentucky Fried Chicken?
Mulder: What! I don't know.
Interrogator: What's the secret ingredient in Coca Cola?
Mulder: I Don't Know!
Interrogator: Does William Shatner wear a wig?
Mulder: What! I DON'T KNOW! What is this really about?
Interrogator: Do you know the coordinates to the Slider's home planet?
Mulder: How the heck should I know! I hardly know these people.
Interrogator: Liar liar pants on fire.
Mulder: You people are nuts. Look! I don't know what it is you're talking
about. I demand you release us now!
Interrogator: Oh, so you're demanding things now! Who do you think you
are!?
Mulder: Mulder.
Interrogator: More questions!
Mulder: Oh, man!
Interrogator: How many licks does it take to get to the tootsie roll center of
a tootsie pop?
Mulder: I don't know that!
Interrogator: Who shot J.R.?
Mulder: I don't... No wait! It was Sue Ellen!
Interrogator: Wrong!
Mulder: WHAT!
Interrogator: You must answer in the form of a question!
Mulder: Are you serious!?
Interrogator: Al, tell him what he's won!
Al: You've won a years supply of rice-a-roni, the San Fransico treat! And
that's not all, you also get our home game!!!
Mulder: This is ludicrous!
Interrogator: No, what is ludicrous is the fact that you don't know Shatner
wears a wig! Everybody knows that!
[Back in the cell, The Cancerman is in one corner of the room peering up at
a no-smoking sign]
Cancerman: Man, I wish I had a cigarette!
Wade: Is that all you can think of right now is satisfying that stupid nicotine
habit of yours? In case you haven't noticed yet, we are all in the
custody of a group of killer apes who are more than likely going to
kill us or worse!
Cancerman: You're right! I know things haven't been chipper for us in the
past, but we must work together as a team if we are to defeat these
Kroogers.
Rembrandt: Kromaggs.
Cancerman: Them too.
Scully: You're right. We have to work together!
Cancerman: The it's agreed! This could be the beginning of a kinder
gentler X-Files, Agent Scully.
Scully: Agreed. [shakes hands with the Cancerman]
Interrogator: Ok, who's next?
Cancerman: [pushes Scully towards Interrogator] She's next! Take her!
Not me!
Interrogator: You are the most spineless, disreputable humans I have ever
seen!
Cancerman: Thank you!
Interrogator: We will interrogate YOU next!
Cancerman: Hey!!!
[The Kromagg Interrogator drags Cancerman off kicking and screaming.
Scully restrains a giggle. Meanwhile, on a parallel earth, the Kromagg
rescue party emerges from a wormhole.]
Kromagg1: What the hell!? This doesn't look like Earth #69!
Kromagg2: This entire Earth is on fire!!!
Kromagg3: That's it! We're dead! So this is what hell is like!
Kromagg1: Shut up! We're not dead! We just took a wrong turn! Give
me the map!
[Kromagg 3 hands Kromagg1 the map which promptly incinerates]
Kromagg1: Well, THIS is just GREAT!!!
Kromagg2: Don't worry! We'll just go back to Earth #1 and get another
map.
Kromagg1: Are you nuts!? Do you have any idea how much the guys will
laugh at us when they find out we got lost?
Kromagg3: About the same amount that they laughed at you when you
found out your girlfriend was a guy!
Kromagg1: Say what you will but he was a very cute woman.
[Kromaggs 2 and 3 stare at Kromagg1]
Kromagg1: ...in a manly sort of way!
Kromagg2 & 3: Oh! Yeah!
Kromagg1: Is it... uh... HOT in here.
Kromagg2: Well, we are on fire earth.
Kromagg3: Will some one do me a favor and extinguish my hair?
[Back on Earth #69, archenemies Fox Mulder and the nameless cigarette
smoking man are being held against a wall by gravity. They are alone]
Cancerman: Agent Mulder, it's been an hour since you've said anything.
Mulder: Uh-huh...
Cancerman: Tell you what... Since we're both about to die and we have
nothing better to do, you can ask me any questions you want.
Mulder: Really?
Cancerman: Really!
Mulder: Cool!!! Ok... Where are the aliens?
Cancerman: You know Kathie Lee Gifford?
Mulder: Are you telling me that Kathie Lee Gifford is an alien!?
Cancerman: No, but she has them working for her in her sweatshops.
Mulder: Oh... uh... Boy! I have so many questions! Ok, tell me the most
shocking thing you know!
Cancerman: Pro wrestling is real.
Mulder: Get out!
Cancerman: Really!
Mulder: Ok! I've got one! Who is my secret informant?
Cancerman: The one who led you to Area 53?
Mulder: Yeah!
Cancerman: You wouldn't believe me.
Mulder: Tell me!
Cancerman: It's me.
Mulder: You!
Cancerman: Uh-huh.
Mulder: Why!?
Cancerman: Well, I was talking with the president when the UFO crashed
on the front lawn of the White House and she told me that the
reason I wasn't getting any respect was because I'm so evil. So, I
figured I'd toss you a bone every now and then and get a little good
PR.
Mulder: But... no one in the public knows about you. What would you do
with PR?
Cancerman: That's the sickening thing!!! I just figured that part out about
the time I called you! What is wrong with me!?
Mulder: Maybe you're getting senile.
Cancerman: I am NOT senile! Senile people get confused easily, loose
their memory, and get confused easily!
Mulder: can I ask you another question?
Cancerman: Shoot.
Mulder: I would, but the Kromaggs took my guns.
Cancerman: Ask your question, you twit!
Mulder: What's your real name?
Cancerman: My real name?
Mulder: Yeah.
Cancerman: Ok! Ok! My real name is...
Interrogator: Ok Mulder, you can go.
Mulder: What!? NO! I don't wanna go! He was just about to explain
everything to me!!! STOP!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Mulder is dragged away kicking and screaming. Meanwhile, back in the
cell, Scully and the Sliders wait patiently]
Scully: [sarcastically] So, what kind of alternate worlds have you all glided
to since we last met?
Wade: You wouldn't believe, we've been to a world where these freaky
geeks dressed in retro outfits try to kill people by invading their
dreams.
Scully: Uh Huh
Arturo: And to a world where fire was the only life form to evolve. It
actually talked to us.
Scully: It did
Quinn: And to a world where the Druids still exist in the 90's and
practice black magic, I got to slay a dragon.
Scully: that's nice
Remmy: And get this, I had a baby!
Scully: a baby, really
Quinn: And then there was this world where....
Scully: I think I've heard enough!
Quinn: Incredible, isn't it?
Scully: I see FOX has been screwing around with you also.
[Mulder walks in]
Mulder: Who have I been screwing around with?
Scully: Forget it. How was it?
Mulder: Like Jeopardy! Only without Alec Trebek, or prizes, or other
contestants, and it wasn't on TV.
Scully: Did you get the Final Jeopardy Question?
Quinn: So, I take it that Cancerman is being interrogated as we speak.
Mulder: Yeah! It looks like that son of a...
Quinn: GUN!
Mulder: ...is finally getting what he's got coming!
[Cancerman and the Kromaggs are sitting at a table drinking tea]
Cancerman: When I was little, none of the other kids wanted to play with
me. It was because I was better and smarter and had an
uncontrollable bladder.
Interrogator: We have a proposal for you.
Cancerman: [eating a croissant] I'm listening.
Interrogator: We need help conquering this little Earth of yours.
Gunner: Yeah, you see, there is this substance in the atmosphere that
makes our ships crash within seconds of exiting a wormhole.
Redshirt: You see, we're sort of the "Kromagg F-Troop"
Gunner: Yeah, and with your help, we can conquer this place and redeem
ourselves!
Cancerman: Now you listen to me! I may be a smarmy, go-behind-the-
backs-of-others-to-get-what-I-want-stab-my-own-mother-in-the-
back-if-I-thought-it-could-further-my-interests-kind-of-guy, but I
love this country dammit! And I'm not about to betray the good-ol'
USA!!!
Interrogator: Who said anything about the United States?
Redshirt: We are talking about the entire world!
Cancerman: Come again?
[Later, in the jail cell...]
Wade: Agent Scully, can I ask you a personal question?
Scully: Sure honey.
Wade: Do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?
Quinn: Girls, shut up just a second. Somebody's coming down the hall.
Rembrandt: It's Cancerman!
Mulder: So, what did they do to you?
Rembrandt: Torture?
Wade: Torment?
Quinn: Scraping something across a chalkboard?
Cancerman: Nothing so insidious.
All: Insidious?
Cancerman: Insidious.
All: Oh.
Cancerman: The Kromaggs and I are partners.
All: WHAT!!!???
Cancerman: Are you people deaf or something? Me and the Kromaggs are
going to conquer the entire world!!!
Mulder: You son of a-
Cancerman: Sticks and stones, Mulder. See ya laters.
[Later on a parallel Earth]
Kromagg2: Ok, if we take a left at "Q" earth, then a right at "Time moves
backwards" world. Then go straight until we reach "Hybrid" earth.
Kromagg1: Guys?
Kromagg3: Not now. No, no! Look, if we go this way, we'll hit "Druid
Earth" and then we can go straight to Earth #69!
Kromagg1: Guys!
Kromagg2: Do you mind! We are trying to get our bearing here!
Kromagg3: Do you wanna stop by "naked world"?
Kromagg2: Why?
Kromagg3: Why not?
Kromagg2: Nice thought, but we don't have the time.
Kromagg1: GUYS!!!
Kromagg 2 & 3: WHAT!?
[About that time, the Kromaggs are caught up in an Electric Twister.
Meanwhile, Our heroes have devised a way to escape.]
Quinn: Guys! Look! The door isn't locked!
Mulder: These Kromaggs are pathetic!
Arturo: These guys are defiantly from the shallow end of the Kromagg
gene pool.
Scully: Come on guys, let's teach these ugly guys a lesson!
Quinn: That's right! Let's kick some butt!
All: Yeah!!!
[The good guys get really mean, round a corner and are knocked out by a
Kromagg beam. Later, our heroes wake up, pined to the wall, under the
watchful gaze of the evil Kromaggs and Cancerman.]
Cancerman: Well, well, well.... Agents Mulder and Scully. Looks like I've
finally got the upper hand. Of course, I've always had the upper
hand. But this time is sweeter than most.
Mulder: Savor your victory while you can! Next time we meet, we'll
expose you for what you are!
Cancerman: You may have a point there. [to Kromaggs] Kill them.
Good Guys: WHAT!?
Cancerman: This is going to be sweeeeet! [lights up a cigarette and takes a
healthy puff]
Gunner: {sniff sniff} What is that God-awful smell?
Interrogator: It's one of those cigarette things! You know, the science
officer was talking about them before he was decapitated.
Redshirt: Yeah, he said that they were sources of...
All Kromaggs: Nicotine!
Cancerman: Yeah? So?
[There is a long pause. The Kromaggs are too stunned to speak]
Gunner: YOU are the source of the nicotine!?
Cancerman: Uhh...
Interrogator: [mad] YOU'RE the one that has complicated our invasion
plans!!!
Redshirt: He's a double agent!!!
Cancerman: Wha...!?
Mulder: [catching on] Uhh... yeah! Cancerman's a double agent! He's
been ready for you Kromaggs for years! He's a member of the
Kromagg Anti-Invasion Force!
Scully: Mulder, I've never heard of the Kromagg Anti-Invasion...
Mulder: OH, YOU'VE heard of it! Haven't you!?
Scully: No, I've never heard of it!
Mulder: [kicks Scully] YES YOU HAVE!!!
Quinn: You guys have been had!
Interrogator: This is terrible!
Wade: Yeah! Kill Cancerman!
Redshirt: No Kromagg has ever be fooled by a mere human before!
Arturo: Which is precisely why you have to kill Cancerman!
Gunner: Only one thing left to do I suppose.
Rembrandt: Kill Cancerman?
Interrogator: No, we are going to have to let all of you go.
All: WHAT!?
Interrogator: [to redshirt] open up a wormhole to Earth #1 and send the
sliders back.
Arturo: Wait a second. There's one thing I don't understand.
All: One thing!?
Arturo: You people were poised on the edge of conquering this Earth and
then you just gave up? Why?
Interrogator: Professor Arturo, we are sort of like the "misfits" of the
Kromagg dynasty.
Gunner: If it gets out that we let a human outsmart us, we'll be finished in
the dynasty!
Redshirt: The only jobs we'll ever be able to get will be extras on "Space:
Above and Beyond"!
Wade: They've been canceled.
Redshirt: "Kindred: The Embraced" then.
Quinn: Canceled.
Redshirt: "SeaQuest?"
Arturo: They've been canceled.
Mulder: There's always "Star Trek: Voyager."
Kromaggs: No thanks.
Redshirt: The wormhole is open.
Interrogator: Ok, you sliders can go now. If my guesstamates are right, I
think you have about three minutes until your timer expires.
Quinn: What are you going to do with Cancerman.
Interrogator: We'll hang him by his BVD's from liberty's torch!
Rembrandt: What a shame we have to slide.
Redshirt: Enough! Into the wormhole now!
[The Kromaggs grab the sliders one by one and shove them into the
wormhole. Then, quite unexpectedly, one grabs Mulder and shoves him in
instead of Arturo.]
Mulder: My god! It's full of stars!!!
[The wormhole closes leaving Scully, Arturo, Cancerman, and the Three
Kromaggs]
Scully: That was the wrong guy, you idiot!
Gunner: Oh well, why don't you cry about it! Humans are a dime a dozen
anyway!
[The Kromaggs grab Cancerman and depart through a wormhole]
Scully: Well, doesn't this just suck?
Ship: Destruction Sequence has been engaged. If I were you, I'd run! Run
like hell!!!
Arturo: I was just about to say that!
[Scully and Arturo run through Area 53. Past the Eugenics compound, past
the illegal bioweapons research lab, and into Bob's convenience store.
Arturo pauses momentarily to grab a Snickers bar and continues running in
terror. The two barely get away in time before the entire structure
disintegrates in a huge fireball]
Arturo: Good heavens, I don't believe it!
Scully: Yeah, I know! That was close.
Arturo: No. I grabbed a Snickers bar instead of a Milky Way!
[Meanwhile, the Kromagg F-Troop arrive back on Earth #1 and meet
Mary, who is doing step aerobics]
Mary: Hey guys! We were just looking for you. Did you see the rescue
party?
Interrogator: Rescue party? No... We didn't see them.
Mary: Well... Where do you think they are?
[Meanwhile...]
Kromagg1: What happened? Where are we!?
Munchkin: You are in the magical lad of Oz!
Kromagg2: Oz? What earth is Oz on?
Kromagg3: Beats me, but you know the rules.
Kromagg2: Yep. Whip out the guns.
[The Kromaggs whip out big guns and begin blasting away at the Munchkin
village. A few weeks later, in Mulder's office]
Skinner: Where is agent Mulder, Scully?
Scully: He is missing sir. We were investigating a crashed aircraft and
somehow we ended up in California and we ran into those guys who
fraudulently claimed to be interdimensional travelers. There we
found a cult of people called Kromaggs who...
Skinner: I READ the reports Scully. When Agent Mulder gets back, I'm
going to give him a piece of my mind!
Scully: [silently] Can you spare it?
Skinner: WHAT?
Scully: I said, canoe parrot?
Skinner: Oh. Well, in the meantime, we must find you another partner to
investigate the X-Files.
Scully: I've already taken care of that, sir.
Skinner: You have?
Scully: Yes, meet agent Arturo!
Arturo: Hello sir.
Skinner: Umm... hello. Well, good job Scully. [turns to leave] By the
way, the cigarette smoking man was found on top of the Statue of
Liberty. He was hanging from the torch in nothing but his
underwear. You... wouldn't happen to know anything about it,
would you?
Scully: Other than the fact that it's hilarious, no.
Skinner: Carry on then. [leaves]
Arturo: Now, Dana...
Scully: No first names!
Arturo: Right. Now, since I'm stuck here, what exactly do we do here?
Scully: We investigate the X-Files in other words, we investigate the
unexplained and attempt to explain them.
Arturo: I see. Well, what case is first?
Scully: Let's see... Case #24 - Cattle mutilations.
Arturo: Poppycock!
Scully: Ok then, [throws case in trash] Case #25 - A mutant man in
Wyoming.
Arturo: Balderdash! Trash it!
Scully: Uhh... Case #26 - A UFO flew over three states, kidnapped a noted
physicist and it was all caught on tape by a professional news crew.
Arturo: UFO indeed!!!
Scully: Agent Arturo, this looks like the beginning of a beautiful
relationship!
[meanwhile...]
Personal diary of Wade Welles, Stardate 27372.1: The group is still
adjusting to the lose of professor Arturo. Steel, Agent Mulder is a
great guy and we all luv him. By the way, I must remember to
order that hooked on fonicks thing.
Mulder: I set out to find the truth and now I'm stuck sliding between
parallel worlds. I can honestly say I never expected this!
Wade: Well, you are always welcome to stay with us.
Mulder: Might as well. It's not like I'll ever get back to my own home
Earth again.
Quinn: I wouldn't say that.
Mulder: What do you mean?
Quinn: There's always Logan Saint Clare!
Mulder: Logan Saint who?
[Meanwhile still...]
Interrogator: I'm telling you, this plan is going to work! Since we can't
invade Earth #69, we will distribute these harmless little things
among the population and when those stupid humans least expect
it... BOOM!!!
Gunner: What a great plan! They'll never expect it!
Redshirt: It's too evil! I love it!
Mary: What did you call these things anyway?
Interrogator: (evil smile) The TICKLE ME ELMO DOLL!!!
[The Kromaggs bust up laughing at their evil plan. Elmo joins in.]
THE END?