The Legion of Lame-Asses II: The Girl With the Golden Pussy
The following previews have been approved for all audiences
-----
Coming this Christmas from Wes Craven.
It's a movie he didn't write,
A film he didn't direct,
A motion picture he didn't produce,
And a script he hasn't even looked at,
But he's putting his name on it anyway...
WES CRAVEN PRESENTS: I WAS A WASHED-UP EGOMANIAC!
Go, see it, and believe it!
---
Remember... Jerry?
Remember... Jake?
Remember... That chick who played Nadia in American Pie?
Well, they're all back in TOMCATS II: THE WRATH OF KHAN!
KHAN: I'll chase them around the moons of Nibia and across
the Antaris Maelstrom and around Perdition's flames before I
give them up!
Quick shot of Jerry O'Connell tied up and at the mercy of a
dominatrix played by Saavak.
SAAVAK: You're penis size is most illogical.
Saavak begins to laugh so hard, she start crying.
Quick shot of General Chang grabbing Jake Busey by the neck.
CHANG: Ah, you shall be my bitch for the evening.
Quick shot of William Shatner doing a strip tease for that
chick who played Nadia.
NADIA: Yes, take it off you bad, bad boy!
William Shatner's girdle breaks and his stomach flattens
Nadia.
TOMCATS II: THE WRATH OF KHAN
Because now the horrible and disgusting torture and deaths
of the main characters you were hoping and praying to happen
during the first movie... happens here!
----
Will Smith and Matt Daimon are back in: THE LEGEND OF BAGGER
VANCE II: DIE HARDER
MATT DAIMON: Bagger, what do I need to shoot to win this
golf tournament?
WILL SMITH: That's easy, sah. You need to shoot Tiger
Woods.
Matt Daimon shoots Tiger with a shotgun as he is hocking
Nike sneakers.
WILL SMITH: That's right, sah!
---
And now, our feature presentation...
The
Legion of Lame-Asses Part Duex
The Girl
With the
Golden Pussy
Written by Jason Donner and Jesse Glaspey
Camera fades up and we see Rick and Evie O'Connell and their
insufferable brat son from The Mummy Returns. They are
digging in a pyramid or something with their usual complete
disregard for archeological procedure.
EVIE: Oh, look Rick! This vase comes from the fifth
dynasty during the reign of Seti On'mah'cock!
RICK: Wow.
EVIE: If I remember my Egyptology correctly, there has not
been a complete fifth dynasty vase found since the second
century A.D.!
RICK: Cool! Let's break it open and see what's inside!
EVIE: (pause) Okay.
Evie smashes the vase with a sledgehammer.
EVIE: Oh, poo... there's nothing in here. Just like that
golden ark we smashed or the sarcophaguses we used for
firewood.
Suddenly, that insufferable brat son of theirs comes running
over with an aged box covered in spider webs.
BRAT: Momma! Momma! Momma! Look what I found!
EVIE: Oh, let me see that, sweetie.
RICK: How ya doing' there, sport?
BRAT: I'm fine, Rick.
RICK: Why don't you call me, daddy?
BRAT: Ask the mailman... or the milk guy, or the cable guy,
the trash men, the...
EVIE: That's enough, son, let's see what you have there.
RICK: You know, I just noticed that this kid doesn't look
anything like me! In fact, he looks a lot like that little
wank-rag Benny from our first movie!
EVIE: It's a coincidence, Rick. Look what we have here!
Evie opens the case and takes out a small Egyptian statue of
a cat.
EVIE: Rick, look! A perfect statue of an Egyptian cat...
untouched for thousands of years! This must have been made
in the forge of Pharaoh Ram'mah'ass! Do you have any idea,
the cultural significance of this object?
RICK: Is that gold?
EVIE: Yes.
RICK: Cool! Let's melt it down for beer money!
EVIE: All right.
Suddenly, the wall caves in and, standing in the large
gaping hole, is FAT BASTARD, ALLOTTA FAGINA, FRAU
FARBISSINA, UNIBROW, NUMBER TWO, SCOTT EVIL, MINI-ME, and
the fiend, DOCTOR EVIL!
DOCTOR EVIL: Hello.
RICK: What the fuck are YOU doing here!?
DOCTOR EVIL: Two things... first, we are here to take that
artifact that you two have stumbled upon because, in fact,
it is a magical icon that I intend to use to take over the
world!
EVIE: What's the other reason?
DOCTOR EVIL: We're here to kill you to insure that there
will never be another Mummy movie because they are really
quite irritating. (to his gang) KILL THEM!!!
FAT BASTARD: GET IN MY BELLY!!!
FRAU FARBISSINA: Aye-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi!
ALOTTA VAGINA: I’M REALLY HORNY!
MINI-ME: …
Fat Bastard takes off after that little bratty son of a
bitch son as Alotta Fagina, Frau Farbissina, and Unibrow
surround Rick and Evie. The little bratty fucker manages to
elude Fat Bastard by climbing up on some scaffolding and
jumping up on some columns.
BRAT: Ha! Ha! Ha! You can't get me up here! Ha! Ha!
Ha!
FAT BASTARD: Ah, you little nipper! Ah’m gonna EAT YOU!!!
Fat Bastard runs and leaps, slamming his ample body against
the column which begins to lean back and forth.
BRAT: Whoa! Whoooa! Whoooooaaaaah!
Suddenly, that funky tattooed guy from the Mummy movies
appears with swords swinging.
TATTO GUY: Do not worry, my friends! I am here to help you
because it is written that...
BRAT: LOOK OUT BELOW!!!
TATTO GUY: Aw, shit.
WHAM! The column falls on the tattooed guy and buries him
under tons of rubble. The little fucking brat manages to
get away from Fat Bastard again.
FAT BASTARD: Oooooo... YOU'RE A LUCKY WEE MAN!!!
Fat Bastard takes off after the little scum-licking abortion
gone wrong. Meanwhile, Rick and Evie are surrounded by
Alotta Fagina, Unibrow, and Frau Farbissina.
RICK: Not to worry, Evie! I will defeat them the only way
I know how… Through a bunch of really unnessesary and
expensive special effects!
Rick leaps into the air and, in one of those Matrix-style
special effects that The Mummy Returns kept ripping off, he
kicks all three women in the face and lands in a pirouette
like the little fairy he is.
DOCTOR EVIL: Shit… alright, send out L.O.L.A. 2.0!
NUMBER TWO: But Doctor Evil, they haven’t been properly
tested!
DOCTOR EVIL: Number Two, I make the big decisions around
here, all right? So SHUT YOUR PIE-HOLE AND DO AS I SAY!
Number Two begins to cry.
DOCTOR EVIL: Oh, no! no! no! Don’t start that again!
You kept crying and crying in the car over here! STOP IT OR
I’LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT!!!
Number Two keeps crying.
DOCTOR EVIL: Oh, for fuck’s sake. Scott, call in L.O.L.A.
2.0!
Scott sighs and goes to the door.
SCOTT: Hey, jackasses! Get in here!
Two Hulking figures enter… it is JOHN TRAVOLTA and FORREST
WHITTAKER from BATTLEFIELD EARTH.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Hellllllllllllo, stupid humans! I am HERE
to KILL youuuuuuu allllll!
RICK: Oh my god, it’s HORRIBLE!!!
EVIE: The overacting and narcissism is overpowering but it
is tolerable for the time being!
Jeremy Irons enters Prophelon from Dungeons and Dragons!
PROPHELON: NOW is your… TIME to DIE!!!
Rick and Evie’s heads explode. That little bratty bitch
notices.
BRAT: MOMMA! RICK! Oh no, my mother and that other guy
have been horribly killed! Now I must avenge their deaths!
The fate of the world rests on MY SHOULDERS!
Fat Bastard catches him.
BRAT: The world... is fucked.
Fat Bastard eats him in one gulp.
FAT BASTARD: Hmmmm… tastes impudent and annoying!
DOCTOR EVIL: Quite amusing... Miss Fagina, if you will?
(to others) The artifact is cursed and may only be touched
by female hands.
Alotta Fagina picks up the golden cat and places it in a
bag.
DOCTOR EVIL: Now, no one will... SCOTT!
SCOTT: What?
DOCTOR EVIL: Put down that Game Boy and listen to my evil
speech!
SCOTT: All right, you big clit...
DOCTOR EVIL: Excuse me?
SCOTT: I said, I’m sure it'll be a hit.
DOCTOR EVIL: Thank you. With this golden pussy, I SHALL
RULE THE WORLD!!!
Doctor Evil and his gang begin to laugh maniacally… but not
for the reason Doctor Evil thinks. They all file outside.
After they leave, we see a pile of rocks begin to move and,
out of them, crawls out the funky Tattooed Guy.
TATOO GUY: This day is going to suck.
------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
We see the crew of the Enterprise-D in a shuttle craft.
Picard and Beverly are sitting near the back. Picard, who
has been snoozing quietly, suddenly wakes up.
CRUSHER: Jean Luc, are you all right?
PICARD: Yes. I guess... I just feel funny leaving the
Enterprise unmanned for a whole week to test the autonomous
defense programs.
CRUSHER: I can understand why.
PICARD: Beverly, did we remember to lock out the bridge
controls?
CRUSHER: Yes.
PICARD: How... How about the main shuttlebay? Did we
remember to shut the main shuttlebay doors?
CRUSHER: Uh... Yeah.
PICARD: The oddest thing. I have this awful fear that I've
forgotten something.
CRUSHER: Hmm.
PICARD: How about the holodecks? Did we shut down the
holodecks?
CRUSHER: The holodecks? YES! That's it. We forgot to
shut down the holodecks. That's what we forgot to do.
Now, lay back and relax! This is a vacation after all.
Picard nods and, with some trepidation, leans back and tries
to go back to sleep. Suddenly, he bolts upright and with
alarm, he yells:
PICARD: WESLEY!!! WE FORGOT WELSEY!!!
Cut to the bridge. Wesley slaps both sides of his face and
screams like Macualy Culkin.
ANNOUNCER: WIL WHEATON stars in John Hugh's HOME ALONE: THE
NEXT GENERATION!!!
Cut to various scenes of Wesley springing several booby
traps to snare Romulans, Feringi, Cardassians, and Borg.
WESLEY: YES!!!
ANNOUNCER: HOME ALONE: THE NEXT GENERATION!!! Coming to a
theater near you!!!
Back in the shuttle, Picard has buried his head in his hands
as the other crewmembers try to console him.
WORF: If it makes you feel any better, I forgot my
Bat'leth.
------------------------------------------------------------
F.B.I. HEADQUARTERS
WASHINGTON D.C.
SEPTEMBER 12th
2:34 P.M.
PARTLY SUNNY
72°
Mulder and Scully are sitting in Skinner’s office.
SKINNER: You two are probably wondering why I’ve called the
two of you to my office.
SCULLY: You’re not going to hook me up with another jack-
off partner, are you?
SKINNER: That remains to be seen. I’ve called the two of
you in here to tell you that the funding for the X Files has
been cut… again.
MULDER: Shit! That’s, like, the fourth time this week!
SKINNER: HA! Just kidding! You should have seen the looks
on your faces! Scully, you looked so shocked and annoyed
while Mulder…
Skinner looks at Mulder’s never-ending facial expression.
SKINNER: Right… anyway, I’ve called you here on a matter of
grave importance. It seems that L.O.L.A. is back in
business.
MULDER: Aw, she is a plucky girl, isn’t she? Good to know
that a case of herpes can’t keep her down.
SKINNER: I’m referring to the evil organization of lame
supervillians led by Doctor Evil, you fuck-stick.
MULDER: Oh.
SCULLY: What are they up to?
The funky tattooed guy appears behind them.
TATTO GUY: A most evil thing, my friends.
Mulder and Scully jump in fright.
SCULLY: Shit!
MULDER: Don’t DO that!
TATTO GUY: Sorry. Rick and Evie O’Connell are dead as well
as that little shit of a son of theirs. I was trapped in a
cave-in while it happened, but emerged with only three
broken bones, a concussion, and a shattered left testicle.
Fortunately, the screams of the O’Connell’s as they died
helped lighten my heart.
SCULLY: I’m sorry I missed it, but what does this good news
have to do with us?
TATTO GUY: The O’Connell’s accidentally stumbled upon the
sacred Pussy of Princess Nympho.
A pause.
MULDER: You wanna run that by me again?
TATTO GUY: The Sacred Pussy of Princess Nympho.
Mulder, Scully, and Skinner have a good laugh.
SCULLY: Oh, shit… I think I just pissed my pants!
TATTO GUY: The Sacred Pussy of Princess Nympho is something
that should not be taken lightly, my friends. With the
golden pussy, anyone may have total and complete control of
the world.
SKINNER: How so?
TATTO GUY: In the 5th century B.C., the golden pussy
brought forth upon the land a plague of crabs.
A moment of silence, then Mulder, Scully, and Skinner begin
laughing uncontrollably.
TATTO GUY: You guys are dicks! STOP THAT!
MULDER: Sorry, Tattoo Guy… we’ll behave.
TATTO GUY: You MUST get the golden pussy out of Doctor
Evil’s hands before the next planetary alignment of all ten
planets!
SKINNER: Nine planets.
TATTO GUY: Nine planets! Before the next alignment of all
nine planets!
MULDER: And when is that?
SCULLY: A week.
There is a knock at the door and we hear the pathetic
whining of AGENT DOGGETT.
DOGGETT: Scully! Mulder! You’re having a meeting without
me again, aren’t you?
SCULLY: Oh fuck, it’s Agent Dogshit.
SKINNER: Go away, Dogshit!
MULDER: Yeah, hit the road!
SKINNER: (to Mulder and Scully) Don’t worry, that door is
locked up tight. There’s no way he can get in here.
Suddenly, a metallic fluid seeps under the door and begins
to swell upwards. Mulder, Scully, Skinner, and Tattoo guy
watch in amazement as the fluid solidifies into Agent
Doggett.
SCULLY: Aw, dammit, Dogshit!
MULDER: I hate it when you do that silvery metal melting
shit!
DOGGETT: I’ve been listening with my head to the door! Can
I come, please! Please! Please!
SKINNER: Doesn’t look like we have much of a choice, do we?
All right, Agent Dogshit, you can go and help Mulder and
Scully save the world.
DOGGETT: Oh, Goodie! Maybe this is my chance to finally
prove my worth to the X Files and maybe then, people will
finally start to like me and then…
EVERYONE: Shut up, Dogshit!
TATOO GUY: You must hurry! Time is running out!
SCULLY: Aren’t you coming?
TATOO GUY: I would… but I don’t want to die.
MULDER: Fair enough. You stay here where it’s safe.
SKINNER: You will meet up with renowned archeologist and
Hooters girl, Laura Croft. She will guide you to find the
golden pussy.
MULDER: From the Tomb Raider movie? Tell me, is she really
as big of a slut as she looks?
SKINNER: She couldn’t be. Now, take off!
SCULLY: Understood. Come on, Mulder… Come on, Dogshit.
DOGGETT: It’s Doggett.
SCULLY: Sorry, must be a speech impediment.
DOGGETT: Wow… everyone in the building must have it, then!
A little while later, Mulder Scully and Dogshit are standing
on the street outside FBI Headquarters. Mulder looks
around confused.
MULDER: Dude, where’s my car?
DOGGETT: Where’s your car, dude?
MULDER: I don’t know, dude!
SCULLY: Dude, where’s you car?
MULDER: I don’t KNOW where my car is!
Doggett begins to snicker.
MULDER: Stop laughing, dude! It isn’t funny!
SCULLY: Dude, where’s the car?
MULDER: DOGSHIT, STOP LAUGHING!!!
A truck across the street pulls away revealing Mulder’s car.
MULDER: Oh, there it is.
They get in the car and drive away. Hours Later… Mulder,
Doggett and Scully arrive in England. They arrive at the
Croft Manor.
MULDER: Finally! We’re here!
SCULLY: Well, we would have made it here sooner if Doggett
hadn’t made us keep stopping to refill his coffee.
DOGGETT: Hey, I need to stay awake while working with the
king of all boredom here.
MULDER: Just do me a favor, Doggett. Try not to shoot
anything while we’re here.
DOGGETT: Jealous because I actually hit what I shoot at?
MULDER: Why you dirty….
SCULLY: Enough! Let’s just go inside!
Mulder, Doggett and Scully head up to the front door. They
ring the doorbell and are greeted by that butler guy.
BUTLER: Hello, good sirs. Do come in. Ms. Croft will be
right with you.
DOGGETT: Did we come at a bad time?
BUTLER: No. She’s just in the middle of doing something.
MULDER: What?
We hear an explosion.
BUTLER: The dishes.
Lara stands at the top of the stairs and starts coming down.
Her boobs start jiggling as she comes down. She meets
Mulder, Doggett and Scully in the lobby. Her boobs are still
moving.
LARA: Hello, Mr. Mulder. Mr. Doggett. Ms. Scully. How are
you today?
MULDER: (Staring at her chest) Getting better.
LARA: Can my butler get you anything?
MULDER: (Still staring at her) A new pair of pants in about
half a minute.
SCULLY: Oh give me a break….
LARA: We’ll be on our way in a while. But first I have to
take a shower.
Lara runs upstairs and starts showering.
DOGGETT: (Looks off sides) Hey! Check that out!
Mulder and Doggett look off to the side . They see a
security camera in Lara’s bathroom.
DOGGETT: Shower scene….
Mulder and Doggett continue to watch Lara’s shower on the
security cameras.
MULDER: Hey, this beats watching the Spice Channel any day!
SCULLY: (Turns the cameras off.) Knock it off!!!
Lara comes back down the stairs with another outfit on.
LARA: Now where were we?
DOGGETT: WHOOPS!
Doggett “Accidentally” dumps his coffee on Lara’s chest.
LARA: Oh my! I guess I have to take another shower.
Lara goes upstairs. Mulder and Doggett go back to the
security cameras.
MULDER: The jiggling. It’s almost hypnotic.
DOGGETT: Yes. It’s like a lava lamp.
FIVE HOURS LATER….
SCULLY: Can you guys knock it off! You’ve made Lara have to
take thirty showers already!
MULDER: Thirty-two. Get it right.
SCULLY: You’ve dumped more crap on her than a garbage truck
getting overturned on the I-10!
MULDER: We haven’t dumped everything…
SCULLY: Coffee, water, milk, soda, mustard, booze, saliva….
MULDER: Okay, okay… we get it…
Lara comes back down.
LARA: Alright. We can leave now. Let me say goodbye to my
father first…
Lara goes out to his grave, Mulder, Scully and Doggett
follow.
LARA: (To grave) Oh, Father. I miss you and I wish we got to
spend more time together….
Lara starts crying.
SCULLY: It’s okay. He’s in a better place now.
LARA: Yes. Florida.
Scully pauses for a minute.
LARA: I’ll never forget his final words…
DOGGETT: “Careful, Lara. I think the gun is loaded.”?
Mulder elbows Doggett.
LARA: Let’s go! But first we have to bring my assistant,
Bryce.
BRYCE: Going to save the world again, Lara? Are we? Bugger
all, sod it and all that wanker!
Mulder, Doggett and Scully look at one another.
LARA: But first, I need to shower!
FORTY MINUTES LATER….
BRYCE: Righty-o! Jolly good and all that! Let’s be off!
Doggett reaches for his gun… Scully slaps his hand.
------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERICAL BREAK
Coming this Summer… it’s the mountain climbing thriller
VERTICAL LIMIT meets the horror thriller THE SIXTH SENSE in…
THE SIXTH SENSE II: VERTICAL LIMIT!
Haley Joel Osmet is walking around the snow-capped mountain
when he finds several frozen dead bodies. He turns to the
camera.
HALEY JOEL OSMET: Icy dead people!
Rimshot.
------------------------------------------------------------
MUCH MUCH LATER…Mulder, Doggett, Scully, Lara and Bryce are
at the pyramid where Rick and Evie were killed. Lara is
searching the Tomb with that ridiculous yellow flashlight
that really doesn’t look like it lights anything…and come
on… how functional are shorts in the jungle?
LARA: Enough!
Sorry. Lara continues to explore. She discovers a parchment
on the ground. She then bounces over to Scully who is
performing an autopsy on Rick and Evie.
LARA: What the hell are you doing?
SCULLY: Finding out what killed them.
LARA: I’d say the fact they don’t have any heads is a major
clue!
SCULLY: Been there, done that… If we can find out who killed
them, we can try to figure where they’ll strike next. That
and I really want to cut open their chests and take a crap
in their body cavities… I mean, for God’s sake I spent ten
bucks to see that stupid fucking Mummy movie.
She kicks the bodies.
LARA: I found a parchment, perhaps that may help us.
SCULLY: You’re right! Hand it here!
LARA: You can read Aramaic?
SCULLY: No. I just need to wipe my hands off. Those
O’Connell’s are all bloody and stuff!
TATTOO GUY: (appears suddenly) Wait! The parchment is the
key!
LARA & SCULLY: AAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!
TATTOO GUY: Sorry. My bad.
SCULLY: Jesus! That’s not cool!
TATTOO GUY: I said sorry! Listen! That parchment is
important! It tells the prophecy of the Chosen One! The one
person who is destined to free the Golden Pussy from the
ancient evil before the planetary alignment! The one
destined to save the world! The one… hey, where’s that
Mulder and Doggett guys?
SCULLY: Him and Doggett wanted to take that Bryce guy for a
“walk”.
LARA: Oh.
MEANWHILE….further in the tomb. Mulder and Doggett are
carrying Bryce’s body.
MULDER: Would you please lift your end? I’m carrying all the
weight here!
DOGGETT: I AM lifting! You just need to carry YOUR end.
MULDER: I’ve been carrying my end for the past 7 seasons!
DOGGETT: Sure. Tell that to the 7up guy!
MULDER: Asshole!
DOGGETT: Prick!
MULDER: Dillweed!
DOGGETT: Ass-Clown!
MULDER: That’s it! I’m not carrying this anymore!
Mulder throws his half of the body down to the ground.
DOGGETT: Neither am I!
Doggett throws down his half.
MULDER: STUPIDHEAD!
DOGGETT: DUMBFACE!
Mulder and Doggett start slap fighting like a couple of
little bitches…
MULDER: Knock it off!
DOGGETT: You first!
VOICE: Both of you, knock it off!
A person comes out of the dark, it’s Krycek.
MULDER: Aren’t you dead?
KRYCEK: You fools! You have no idea what you have in your
possession!
DOGGETT: A dead body?
MULDER: You know, I’m pretty sure you were dead!
KRYCEK: No, I’m not talking about the dead limey! I’m
talking about the parchment your partner found! You must
protect it!
MULDER: I clearly remember you dying!
KRYCEK: Look, I got better! All right? Get out! They’re
coming!
DOGGETT: Who?
MULDER: Seriously… How did you come back?
Some LOLA goons come out and run up to Krycek.
FRENCH GUY FROM “A KNIGHT’S TALE”: Surrender, traitor! You
have been weighed, measured and found wanting!
COMMODUS FROM “GLADIATOR”: Why do you get all the good
lines? I want some good lines! I want some good lines!
KRYCEK: RUN! RUN! RUN!
MULDER: Okay. But I just need to do this for old times
sakes!
Mulder punches Krycek in the face. Mulder starts running.
Doggett walks after him.
MULDER: Why aren’t you running?
DOGGETT: Run? From a French guy and a Roman emperor? Why? I
just shot them!
MULDER: Oh. What about that girl?
DOGGETT: What girl?
Doggett turns around and sees Jade Fox from “Crouching
Tiger, Hidden Dragon”
JADE FOX: (Translated from Mandarin Chinese) HII-YAH!
Jade kicks Doggett in the face.
DOGGETT: OW! Okay! Run!
Mulder and Doggett run. They pass by the Tattoo Guy and
Scully. They start running after them.
MULDER: RUN!
DOGGETT: Where’s Lara?
SCULLY: She’s taking another shower. Where’s the British
kid?
MULDER: Um…. They killed him!
DOGGETT: Yeah! They killed him!
TATTOO GUY: Wait, how do you take a shower in a 5,000 year
old pyramid with no running water?
JADE FOX: (Translated) Now I kill you like the dogs you are,
you stupid American pig assed buttfaces!
LARA: (Also translated) Not If I have anything to say about
it you carpet munching ninja!
Lara jumps from out of nowhere, and runs down the wall and
starts fighting Jade Fox.
JADE FOX: (Still translated) Ninjas are Japanese, you twit!
I’m Chinese!
LARA: (Yep. Still translated) So what? I’m American and I’m
playing a British chick!
Lara and Jade go into the fight from Crouching Tiger. Hidden
Dragon. They’re fighting goes back and forth. Meanwhile,
Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Tattoo Guy continue running.
MULDER: Keep going, we’re almost out!
SCULLY: We’re in the middle of Egypt! How does simply
leaving this pyramid save us?
Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Tattoo Guy run out of the tomb
they are then surrounded by The Psyclos of Battlefield
Earth..
JOHN TRAVOLTA: (overacting) Well, if it isn’t THE stupid
primates that… surround this LITTLE blue world!
FORREST WHITAKER: Look, will you stop that “I’m so great”
shit and just help me kill them!?
MULDER: Tattoo Guy! What are we going to…?
Mulder looks. Tattoo Guy is gone.
MULDER: Well ain’t that a bitch? What are we going to do,
Scully?
SCULLY: Die horribly I imagine.
Mulder pushes Doggett towards the Psyclos.
MULDER: You first, Doggett!
DOGGETT: But! But!
The Psyclos begin advancing on Mulder, Scully, and Doggett
stumbling and having to prop themselves up against the wall.
SCULLY: What the fuh…!? Are you two on stilts!?
The Psyclos look caught.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Uh… no.
SCULLY: Oh yeah? Then do this!
Scully begins river dancing. The Psyclos shrug and begin to
dance also, but keep tripping over their own feet.
Eventually, they both fall down in a pile, struggling in
vain to get up.
SCULLY: Retards.
MULDER: Speaking of which, I wonder what happened to Titty
Mac-bang-bang?
SCULLY: Laura Croft? I don’t know. Last I saw her, she
was fighting that Chinese hag. You know this will require
action on our part, don’t you?
DOGGETT: I agree… let’s go get lunch.
SCULLY: (a pause) Okay.
They walk off. Meanwhile, Lara and Jade Fox are locked in
heated combat. Lara does a flip and catches Jade Fox in
head with a kick. Jade Fox runs up a wall and then leaps
and kicks Lara in the chest, however her leg bounces off of
Lara’s enormous jugs and ends up flinging her across the
room.
JADE FOX: (translated) WHO ARE YOU!?
LARA: (translated) Who am I? I am she whose bosoms defy
gravity! I am the one who graces the adult homepages of
over five thousand horny teens! I am the one whose bravery
is unmatched!
JADE FOX: (translated) How!?
LARA: (translated) I sleep with Billy Bob Thorton!
Jade Fox makes several gurgling sounds indicating her
disgust but then smiles.
JADE FOX: (translated) Oh, yeah? Well… try this on for
size, bouncy one! Onomatopoetic!
Lara stares in confusion at the subtitle on the screen.
LARA: Ono- Onomo… Onomona…? What the hell does that say?
While Lara tries to sound out the word, Jade Fox kicks her
ass.
JADE FOX: (translated) Auspicious! Cirrus! Lithuania!
Posthumous!
Lara continues to try to sound out the words while getting
her ass, face, and other parts of her body kicked by Jade
Fox. Finally, Lara brain overloads and she passes out.
JADE FOX: (translated) Diphthong! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaa!!!
Suddenly, a panel opens and, David, the kid from A.I.:
Artificial Intelligence walks out. He walks over to Jade
Fox and hugs her.
JADE FOX: (translated) What the…!?
DAVID: Congratulations, you’ve just activated the seven
word pass code. I’m a mecha child and I have imprinted on
you. I will love you forever!
JADE FOX: But I only said six words!
DAVID: The seventh is “Ha Ha Haaaaaaaa”.
JADE FOX: Oh, shit.
DAVID: What shall we do next, mommy? Shall we play a game?
Shall you read me a story? Shall you dress me? Shall you
devote every waking hour to my care? Shall you…?
JADE FOX: HI-YAH!!!
Jade Fox runs herself through with a knife and falls dead on
the floor.
DAVID: Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY, NO!!!
A pause. David shrugs.
DAVID: Oh well.
David begins to walk away, but falls down an open shaft.
NARRATOR: And so, David hit the bottom of the shaft where
he found a paddle ball left there by Doctor Evil. David
played with the paddle ball and played with it and played
with it until the dessert sands covered the temple and the
stones crumbled to dust. Still, David played with the
paddle ball and played with it until the Sahara froze and
ice encrusted his tomb. Still, David played until finally,
he stopped moving… still clutching his paddle ball for over
two thousand years…
The picture fades to an artic wasteland and a giant
archeological dig with futuristic machines. One flying
machine makes its way through the ice into the chamber.
Three alien/mechanical beings get out of the craft and one
of them hits a button on its key chain.
CRAFT: BEEP! BEEP!
The beings make their way to the well where the frozen David
is being brought to the surface.
BEING #1: This is it! Our lost link to the past!
BEING #2: All right! PADDLE BALL! I haven’t seen one of
these in ages!
Being #2 grabs the paddle ball and shoves David back into
the well where we hear a shattering sound.
NARRATOR: But, in the long run… none of this shit matters.
It’s just another indication of what an extremely retarded
story this is.
The picture fades back to the tomb as we left it. Laura is
lying on the floor. Caption reads “2000 Years Earlier”.
Mulder, Scully, and Doggett enter carrying food from Taco
Bell.
DOGGETT: So I says to him, “Are you John Conner?” and he’s
all like, so what if I am? And I said, “Cause if you are,
I’m gonna…”
SCULLY: Wait a second… Jade Fox is dead!
MULDER: And Laura’s unconscious! I’d better give her
dick to mouth resuscitation!
DOGGETT: I’ll start the chest massage.
Laura wakes up.
LAURA: Bugger.
MULDER & DOGGETT: Fuck.
LAURA: What happened?
SCULLY: Somehow, you not only defeated the Jade Fox, but
you protected the parchment and… Hey, what happened to the
parchment?
DOGGETT enters from the mens room zipping up his pants.
DOGGETT: We’re out of toilet paper, so I had to use this.
Doggett holds up the parchment. Mulder, Scully, and Laura
Croft scream.
----------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Everyone is looking foreward to Star Wars Episode II: The
Clones Attack, but what about Episode III? Now, in a
Slightly Warped Website exclusive… we bring you a sneak
preview of Star Wars Episode III: Darth Sidious Kicks the
Jedi’s Butt After Anakin Becomes Darth Vader and, no, Jar
Jar Doesn’t Die. By the Way, George Lucas Rules!
GEORGE LUCAS: Yes, the title “Darth Sidious Kicks the
Jedi’s Butt After Anakin Becomes Darth Vader and, no, Jar
Jar Doesn’t Die. By the Way, George Lucas Rules!” may sound
a little odd by today’s standards, but it all harkens back
to the Saturday morning serials that inspired Star Wars in
the first place. By the way, Episode 2.5 will be called
“George Lucas Milks Star Wars For Everything it’s Worth
While Alienating Star Wars’ Longtime Fans” It’s a musical.
George Lucas: Visionary… Artist… Absolutely Insane.
----------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, at Doctor Evil’s secret top secret hideout,
Doctor Evil is addressing his usual lackeys: Fat Bastard,
Number Two, Scott Evil, Frau Farbissina, Mini-Me, Unibrow,
and Alotta Fagina.
DOCTOR EVIL: So far, I would say this little caper has been
most productive, wouldn’t you say? Now that the Sacred
Golden Pussy of Princess Nympho is in my possession, there
is no force in the world that can stop me!
The Psyclos from Battlefield Earth enter.
DOCTOR EVIL: Ah, the psyclos have returned. Tell me, did
you fetch the parchment?
FORREST WHITAKER: Not exactly.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Mulder and Scully were there to stop us.
THEY have the parchment.
Doctor Evil gets pissed.
DOCTOR EVIL: MULDER AND SCULLY! The two who foiled my
plans for world domination last time! FOOLS! Without that
parchment, I will never gain control of the Golden Pussy
when the planetary alignment comes! Well Mulder and Scully
will not be so lucky this time! Allow me to introduce the
compliment of L.O.L.A. 2.0! First, we have - of course -
the Psyclos from Battlefield Earth, the biggest science-
fiction flop of all time and the lamest villains ever!
JOHN TRAVOLTA: What about Sybok from Star Trek V?
DOCTOR EVIL: You heard me. Next, from the movie Dungeons &
Dragons… a movie I would have seen, but I was sick that day…
Prophelon!
Jeremy Irons enters as Prophelon!
PROPHELON: At your service, Doctor Evil.
SCOTT EVIL: So what exactly do you do?
PROPHELON: I command dragons… but only the red ones.
SCOTT EVIL: And why is that?
PROPHELON: Well, the green ones are good and the red ones
are bad.
SCOTT EVIL: Isn’t that kind of a racist mentality
transferred from people to these dragons?
PROPHELON: I didn’t write the script. I HAVE a high school
education.
FRAU FARBISSINA: Perhaps you could give us a demonstration
of your dragon controlling… skills… thing.
PROPHELON: I would, but there are no dragons to control.
SCOTT EVIL: So, you’re a useless racist?
DOCTOR EVIL: Scott, can the racist talk especially as I
introduce our next members… from the motion picture Pearl
Harbor, a movie that shamelessly exploited the deaths of
thousands of honorable servicemen to use them as a backdrop
to a horrible love story, it’s the… JAPS!!!
Hundreds of WWII planes fly overhead.
SCOTT EVIL: (puts head in hands) Oh, we’re going to be
getting some pissy e-mails about this…
DOCTOR EVIL: Next, we have the leader of millions of
mindless automatons…
NUMBER TWO: Ted Turner?
DOCTOR EVIL: The being singled-handedly responsible for the
pussification of Star Trek’s coolest villains… The BORG
QUEEN!!!
The Borg Queen’s head appears and slowly lowers into her
awaiting body. Everyone laughs.
BORG QUEEN: What are you all laughing at?
The Borg Queen looks down and sees that her head is on
backwards.
BORG QUEEN: What the…!? WHY DIDN’T ANYONE TELL ME MY ASS
WAS THIS BIG!?
DOCTOR EVIL: Finally, we have unstuck scientist, Doctor
Oberon Gieger from the fifth season of Sliders!
DOCTOR GIEGER: Thank you, I…
DOCTOR EVIL: SILENCE!!!
DOCTOR GIEGER: Shutting up sir.
DOCTOR EVIL: Fat Bastard, you will command this contingent
of L.O.L.A. operatives to stop Mulder and Scully.
FAT BASTARD: Mulder and Scully!? THEY’RE SO TINY! I’ve
got bigger chunks of corn in my CRAP!
DOCTOR EVIL: Charming.
Fat Bastard and the new L.O.L.A. recruits march out the
door.
NUMBER TWO: Sir, I feel I should question your latest
attempt to take over the world. Especially after reading
the inscriptions on the base of the Golden Pussy.
DOCTOR EVIL: I do not pay you to question my plans, Number
Two!
NUMBER TWO: No sir… come to think of it, all you’ve paid me
with has been worthless on-line stocks. Nevertheless, sir,
I feel you should be warned that if you attempt to harness
the power of the Golden Pussy during the alignment, you
might unleash a powerful evil force that will wipe out all
of humanity.
DOCTOR EVIL: I am intrigued. Go on.
NUMBER TWO: The inscription has one vague warning from the
Golden Pussy’s maker… “He who attempts to wield the Golden
Pussy will smell what I am cooking.”
DOCTOR EVIL: (thinks about it) Hmmm… most interesting. No
wait… it’s not. Number Two, lean foreword.
Number Two leans foreword. Doctor Evil smacks him across
the head. Number two begins to cry.
DOCTOR EVIL: SILENCE!
SCOTT EVIL: You’re an idiot. You’re all idiots.
The Borg Queen walks by.
SCOTT EVIL: Hey baby, how about a little head?
Meanwhile, Mulder, Scully, Laura, and Dogshit are walking
along the banks of the Nile River.
DOGGETT: It’s Doggett.
Where?
DOGGETT: My name. My name is Doggett.
So?
DOGGETT: You said dogshit!
MULDER: Dogshit, shut up!
SCULLY: Laura, what do you think we should do next?
Scully looks. Laura is gone.
SCULLY: Laura?
Laura enters frames in a cotton robe toweling water out of
her hair.
LAURA: Sorry, I had to…
SCULLY: Shower? No shit. Listen, what should we do next?
LAURA: Well, if I were a smart woman, I’d wager that we
should contact antiquities vendors from around the world or
possibly holy men in the area to see if we could figure out
who is “chosen one” is that the parchment speaks of.
SCULLY: But you’re not a smart woman.
LAURA: I know. Therefore, I suggest we find the nearest
and seediest bar and ask around there.
DOGGETT: I like that plan.
A few seconds later, the four walk into the bar from
Casablanca. Everything is in black and white.
LAURA: Not seedy enough.
Later, the four walk into Cheers bar as NORM enters.
EVERYONE: NORM!
NORM: Evenin’ everyone.
EVERYONE: DOGSHIT!
DOGGETT: It’s Doggett.
LAURA: No, this still isn’t what I’m looking for.
Later, the four walk into Mos Eisley Cantina.
LAURA: Getting closer.
Later, the four walk into a dimly lit bar with one naked
light bulb for illumination and a drunk taking a piss in the
corner.
LAURA: Ah, now THIS is more like it. Now, to question the
bartender.
Laura marches up to the bartender.
LAURA: Excuse me, but where can I find the shower?
BARTENDER: In the back through the double doors. The
camera is for research purposes only.
Laura prances off to take another shower.
SCULLY: Is it just me, or does Laura have some kind of
clean fetish? Oh well, let’s question the bartender.
Scully, Mulder, and Doggett walk up to the bartender.
SCULLY: Excuse me, but we have some questions and… wait a
minute, you’re not the bartender!
BARTENDER: I am so!
SCULLY: No you’re not! You’re Fat Bastard with a fake
moustache, stupid looking glasses, a Cher wig, and fake
Bubba teeth! Any idiot could see through that lame
disguise!
DOGGETT: Scully, stop harassing the bartender!
SCULLY: I take that back.
FAT BASTARD: ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT ME! Now… GET IN MAH
BELLY!!!
Fat Bastard throws off the disguise and bursts through the
bar.
DOGGETT: Hey, I’m beginning to think that he’s not a
bartender at all!
SCULLY: RUN!
DOGGETT: Run nothing! I’m going to shoot his fat ass!
Doggett pulls out his gun and fires at Fat Bastard catching
several innocent winos in the crossfire. The bullets
penetrate Fat Bastard’s pudgy exterior with BLOOP sounds,
but doesn’t appear to slow him down. Fat Bastard turns
around, bends over, and farts spraying gunfire all over the
bar.
DOGGETT: Aw, fuck.
Doggett runs. Mulder, Scully, and Doggett make it to the
door, but are cut off by PROPHELON!
PROFELON: NOW IS YOUR TIME TO DI-
Scully kicks him in the balls sending him down on the floor
in a whimpering puddle. Mulder, Scully, and Doggett step
over him and out into the open where they come under heavy
fire from The Japanese Airplanes from Pearl Harbor.
MULDER: Oh SHIT! It’s the JAPS!
SCULLY: Mulder, that’s really racist!
DOGGETT: (dodging fire) How are we getting out of THIS!
Scully digs through her purse and pulls out a pea-shooter.
She aims it at the sky, blows, and takes down over ten dozen
fighters. Laura walks out in a towel using a hair dryer.
LAURA: What the bugger is going on out here? AHHH!!!
Laura is shot in the chest. The bullets bounce off and take
out another fifty planes. Doggett and Mulder start lobbing
rocks into the air until the entire Japanese strike force
lies on the ground in ruins.
MULDER: Wow, that was easy!
Fat Bastard bursts through the building.
FAT BASTARD: AH’M GONNA EAT CHA!
Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Laura run. Laura conveniently
looses her towel.
LAURA: Oh no! My towel!
MULDER: Don’t worry, Laura! I’ll carry you piggy-back!
Mulder picks up Laura and begins running.
LAURA: Uh, Mulder? Aren’t I supposed to be facing
foreword? And how can you see like this?
MULDER: (muffled) Iff’s ofkay! Ah knowfff fffhat I’mfff
doingfff! Ohhhh… bliss!
Laura is knocked off Mulder’s shoulders by a low-lying tree
branch. Mulder is still running with his eyes closed and a
huge grin on his face. Laura ducks behind some bushes and
jumps out fully clothed and runs after them. Suddenly, John
Travolta and Forrest Whittaker jump out in front of them as
the Psyclos from Battlefield Earth!
JOHN TRAVOLTA: At last we meet again!
FORREST WHITTAKER: And you will not outsmart us again like
you did the previous time! The three of us will-
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Two of us.
FORREST WHITTAKER: Two of us will kill the five of you!
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Four.
FORREST WHITTAKER: Four of you!
Laura takes out her guns and shoots Forrest Whittaker in the
head splattering brain matter on John Revolta.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Or not.
Laura shoots the stilts out from under John Travolta. When
he gets up, he is suddenly the villain from Swordfish.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Is that the best you can do? Listen, with
my network of spies and hackers, we’ll construct a virus
that’ll upload tons of topless pictures of Hale Berry onto
government laptops. This will sway opinion away from the
NRA and soon those guns will be illegal! What do you think
of that!?
Laura shoots John Travolta again. He gets back up as the
villain from Face/Off.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Let’s get crazy! I’m invulnerable, baby!
Laura shoots him again. When he gets back to his feet, he’s
dressed up as his character from Saturday Night Fever.
JOHN TRAVOLTA: Ha! Ha!
Laura shoots John Travolta several more times. He comes
back as the assassin from Pulp Fiction, the dad from Look
Who’s Talking, the guy from Grease, and the guy from Welcome
Back Kotter. Finally, Laura shoves his head into her boobs
and suffocates him.
LAURA: That was easy. Excuse me, but I need to shower.
Laura walks over to a nearby shower standing out in the
middle of the desert for no reason. She draws the curtain
to the side revealing THE BORG QUEEN!
BORG QUEEN: Watch… your future’s end!
MULDER: You can watch my ass!
Mulder moons the Borg Queen. The Borg Queen jabs his butt
with those assimilation thingies. Mulder jumps up as a
Borg.
MULDER: I am Spooky of Borg. Boredom is irrelevant. You
will be assimilated.
Mulder jabs Laura in the titty with his assimilation
thingies. Silicone erupts from the puncture hole and covers
the borgified Mulder in a sticky inescapable mess.
LAURA: Now to deal with the Borg Queen!
SCULLY: She fell asleep.
LAURA: Why? Did she watch my movie?
SCULLY: No. She assimilated Mulder’s boring personality
habits.
DOGGETT: So, all of them, right?
SCULLY: The boredom became too great for her and she passed
out.
Suddenly, FAT BASTARD leaps from out of the bushes.
FAT BASTARD: YOU MAY HAVE WON THIS DAY, LASSIE! BUT WE’LL
BE BACK!
Fat Bastard picks up the Borg Queen but having no where to
place her, he stuffs her in between his enormous ass cheeks.
He clicks his heels together three times and jets off into
the night… with no rocket pack. I’ll leave the
unpleasantness of the “how” to your own fertile imagination.
Mulder’s Borg implants melt away and Scully, Doggett, and
Laura pull him from the silicone mess.
MULDER: I feel so violated. I liked it!
LAURA: Well, I’m glad we’re all okay. Now I have to find
a…
SCULLY: Yes, we know! You have to find a fucking shower!
LAURA: No… I have to find a good plastic surgeon. I’m
feeling a little lop-sided.
Laura indicates her one sagging, deflated tit. Mulder,
Scully, and Doggett spend the next few minutes puking.
------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Next time on Enterprise…
ARCHER: Bring us about! Prepare to fire!
Archer is enveloped by a Quantum Leap style special effect.
SAM: Oh boy.
CREW: Oh shit.
(Yes, I will readily admit that’s a weak parody commercial,
but it’s August 2001 when I’m writing this and Enterprise
hasn’t even premiered yet. I’m writing this with foresight!
Get off my nuts, would ya!?)
------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, at Doctor Evil’s hidden lair…
SCOTT EVIL: Dad, I’ve got someone here you should meet.
Dad, meet Fred.
DOCTOR EVIL: A pleasure to meet you, Mister…?
FREDDY KRUGER: FREDDY KRUGER!!!
SCOTT EVIL: Freddy is a villain.
DOCTOR EVIL: Ah, come to join my league of lame villains?
FREDDY KRUGER: Lame villains?
SCOTT EVIL: Dad, that’s just the thing. Freddy isn’t lame!
He’s a real badass and he kills people all the time!
DOCTOR EVIL: He isn’t lame?
SCOTT EVIL: Not at all!
DOCTOR EVIL: (To Freddy) Thank you… you may go.
Freddy gives him the finger, accidentally slicing off his
own nose, and marches out.
SCOTT EVIL: Dad, what the hell are you doing? You always
make these gangs out of the stupidest villains in the world
and then wonder WHY they never succeed!
DOCTOR EVIL: Oh, Scott… someday when you’re all grown up
and own an evil organization of your own, you’ll understand.
SCOTT EVIL: Dad, seriously… I’ve got Riddick from Pitch
Black out there waiting with Khan, Jet Li from Lethal Weapon
4, and a bunch of the agents from The Matrix! Please,
please, please! Let me use them!
DOCTOR EVIL: Scott, we’re in the work place. Try to use
the big boy voice, okay?
SCOTT EVIL: God, you’re such a…
DOCTOR EVIL: Shhh!
SCOTT EVIL: You keep…
DOCTOR EVIL: Shhh!
SCOTT EVIL: You’re like a…
DOCTOR EVIL: You love Shhhhhheeep!
SCOTT EVIL: WHAT? I don’t…
DOCTOR EVIL: SILENCE! Bring in the new members of
L.O.L.A.!
NUMBER TWO: Doctor Evil, as you know… last time we fought
Mulder and Scully, we cloned Darth Maul from Star Wars.
DOCTOR EVIL: Mini-Maul.
Mini-Me stiffens up at the mention of the name.
DOCTOR EVIL: Have you re-cloned my beloved Mini-Maul?
NUMBER TWO: We tried, but someone took a piss in the
cloning vat.
Doctor Evil gives Mini-Me a look. Mini-Me gives an innocent
shrug.
NUMBER TWO: We attempted to clone Mini-Maul again, but the
results were a little… odd.
SCOTT EVIL: As compared to WHAT?
DOCTOR EVIL: Shhhh!
NUMBER TWO: Instead of a small-sized Darth Maul, we got a
full-sized sith lord with an affinity for country music and
ho-hos. We call him… DARTH BROOKS!
DARTH BROOKS enters with the Darth Maul face-paint, a cowboy
hat, and a guitar.
DARTH BROOKS: Yeeeeeeeeee-HAW!
DOCTOR EVIL: Breathtaking!
SCOTT EVIL: Jesus Christ!
DARTH BROOKS: Hiya there, Doctor Evil! I wrote you a
little country song… it’s called, “I Just Boned my Cousin
and Now Sister’s Lookin’ Fine to Me!”
DOCTOR EVIL: Later, Darth Brooks. Number Two… who else do
you have for me?
NUMBER TWO: From the movie, X-Men…
SCOTT EVIL: Oh, it’s about fucking time! Who’ve we got?
Sabretooth? Mystique? Magneto? (a realization) Oh… no.
No fucking way! You DIDN’T!
NUMBER TWO: Toad.
Toad jumps out, spies a canary in a nearby cage, spits out
his tongue, grabs the bird, and knocks himself out when the
cage crashes into his face,
SCOTT EVIL: SHIT!
NUMBER TWO: Next, we have The Blair Witch.
SCOTT EVIL: Oh, that could be something.
NUMBER TWO: From the second Blair Witch movie.
SCOTT EVIL: Dammit.
Doctor Evil looks around.
DOCTOR EVIL: Well? Where is she?
NUMBER TWO: Who?
DOCTOR EVIL: The Blair Witch?
NUMBER TWO: You never see her.
DOCTOR EVIL: Ah.
NUMBER TWO: Until it’s too late.
DOCTOR EVIL: Oh.
NUMBER TWO: And even then, you don’t see her. You just
look like you’re taking a piss in the corner.
DOCTOR EVIL: What is this… Blair Witch’s primary weapon?
NUMBER TWO: Motion sickness from watching the first movie.
DOCTOR EVIL: Well, that’s something. Who’s next?
NUMBER TWO: We have the Spinosaurus from Jurassic Park III
chained up in the backyard…
Fat Bastard bursts in through the ceiling.
DOCTOR EVIL: Ah, Fat Bastard. Discreet as ever. What news
do you bring? Are Mulder and Scully liquidated?
FAT BASTARD: Er… No exactly.
DOCTOR EVIL: What?
FAT BASTARD: The little doushbags killed the guys from
Battlefield Earth and destroyed all the Japs! I managed to
save the Borg Bitch…
Fat Bastard pulls Kari Wuhrer out of his ass.
KARI WUHRER: JESUS CHRIST!!! JUST LET ME DIE!!!
FAT BASTARD: Wrong bitch.
Fat Bastard shoves Kari Wuhrer back inside and pulls out the
Borg Queen.
BORG QUEEN: It was like being back in the womb!
DOCTOR EVIL: What of Prophelon?
Prophelon enters on crutches with a penis-shaped cast
between his legs.
DOCTOR EVIL: I need that parchment! I will send Frau
Farbissina and her longtime companion Unibrow with the next
wave of L.O.L.A. and then Mulder and Scully will be
DESTROYED!!!
-----------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
On the next episode of STAR TREK… Spock thought only a
Medusan could drive him insane. But he was wrong… VERY
wrong!
ROGER RABBIT: Whasa matter? Doncha ever laugh!?
SPOCK: SOMEONE GET THIS RABBIT AWAY FROM ME!!!
Then, stay tuned on the Sci-Fi Channel for… Aw, who gives a
shit?
------------------------
We join our heroes in the waiting room at a local plastic
surgeon. Mulder, Scully and Doggett are sitting around. Lara
comes out of the operating room, wiping her mouth. The
doctors have extremely happy looks on their faces.
MULDER: So how are you feeling, Lara?
LARA: All better! See? Not even a scar!
Lara opens her shirt to show Mulder, Doggett and Scully.
MULDER: It’s official. I am now a man.
DOGGETT: Got milk?
SCULLY: I’ve seen bigger.
Lara, Mulder and Doggett look at Scully.
SCULLY: What?
LARA: Enough of this! We have to go somewhere to analyze the
parchment!
MULDER: I think I know some people who can help us!
SCULLY: Your “No Shame in Impotence” group can’t help us,
Mulder.
MULDER: Not my therapy group! The Lone Gunmen! Wait… how did
you know about my “helping hands” group?
SCULLY: I didn’t. You just told me. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Everyone starts laughing at Mulder’s expense.
LARA: I need to take a shower first!
Later, at the Lone Gunmen’s pad…
LANGLY: Okay, once we got all the water dried out and wiped
off all the shit stains, we accurately translated the
prophecy.
SCULLY: What does it mean?
LANGLY: A prophecy is a story of something destined to
happen. But that’s not the point.
JIMMY: Monkeys learn sign language so they can tell dolphins
they love them!
BYERS: (Smacks Jimmy) SILENCE!
LANGLY: Anyways, it says here that once the planets are in
alignment, the fury of the Scorpion King is unleashed and
only one person can stop him.
DOGGETT: And who’s that?
LANGLY: That’s the problem. The part of the prophecy that
says who it is was ruined!
MULDER: DAMMIT DOGGETT!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!
DOGGETT: What?
LANGLY: HEY! I wasn’t finished! There IS a picture…
SCULLY: Of what?
LANGLY: Some long haired blond guy with a big nose and
sledgehammer.
MULDER: Thor? Fabio? Janet Reno?
LANGLY: Hey! Where’s Frohike?
Lara walks out of the shower. Frohike walks out of a room
directly next to the bathroom. He is grinning widely.
TATTOO GUY: (appears suddenly) You must be careful!
EVERYONE: AAAAHHHHHH!
TATTOO GUY: Sorry. For now that you know the truth. Your
lives are in great danger!
JIMMY: Snausages!
Everyone stares at Jimmy.
TATTOO GUY: Whatever. You are all in great peril!
MULDER: Shyeah right! Come on, no one knows where we are!
All of a sudden, there’s a rumbling. The wall is blown
apart. It’s Frau Farbissina with Unibrow and her LOLA
troops!
FRAU FARBISSINA: GET ZEM!
Toad leaps forward and lashes out his tongue. It grabs Jimmy
by the head and yanks it clean off.
MULDER: Oh my god! They killed Jimmy!
DOGGETT: You bastards.
LANGLY: HOLY CRAP!
FROHICKIE: Cheese it! It’s the fuzz!
BYERS: HAUL ASS!!!
The Lone Gunmen run for it. They run out of the building.
They see the Spinosaurus right in front of them.
BYERS: Shit.
The Spinosaurus eats the Lone Gunmen.
SCULLY: Brave friends of yours, Mulder.
TOAD: Quit playing around!
Toad leaps into the air and kicks Mulder back. He then spits
a bunch of slime into Lara’s face.
SCULLY: Heh! Bet that’s awfully familiar, eh Lara?
LARA: MMMPPPMHHH!
Doggett and Scully pull out their guns and open fire on
Toad. He jumps out of the way and the bullets rip through
Doctor Geiger.
DOCTOR GIEGER: Dammit…. I didn’t even…. Get any…. Lines!
Geiger dies. Mulder gets up, facing the corner.
SCULLY: MULDER! Look out! It’s the Blair Witch!
Mulder turns around and screams.
MULDER: AHHHHHHHHHHHH…… wait! Aren’t you Tony Danza?
TONY DANZA: Yeah. That’s right. I’m the Blair Witch! Got a
problem with that???
MULDER: No sir!
TONY DANZA: Good! So stay in that corner! I’m going to make
some fettuccine alfredo and then I have to vacuum this
floor, it’s filthy!
MULDER: Tony Danza is the Blair witch… Man, who’da thunk it?
Tony Danza turns around and swings a vacuum cleaner at
Mulder.
MULDER: Hey! A penny!
Mulder leans forward. The vacuum misses Mulder and strikes
Prophelon in his crotch.
PROPHELON: AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!
FRAU FARBISSINA: Zis attack is failing! Darth Brooks!
ATTACK!!!!!
Darth Brooks flies into the room on a set of wires, he has
his guitar in hand, and a black rhinestone shirt with
matching cowboy hat on.
DARTH BROOKS: Well, howdy folks! I call this next one “Goats
weren’t made for lovin’ cuz you stole mah heart!”
MULDER: RUN AWAY!!!!!!
SCULLY: LET’S GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!
DOGGETT: Where to?
SCULLY: Don’t forget to grab the Bathroom Raider over there!
Doggett and Mulder grab Lara and they run from the building.
They’re running down a dark alley and they see a figure at
the other end. It’s MR. GLASS from Unbreakable!
MR. GLASS: I believe there are people in this world who were
destined to help the helpless. I believe you four are those
people.
DOGGETT: Outta the way, pally! Important people coming
through!
Doggett and Mulder shove Mr. Glass out of the way, he falls
down a flight of stairs and bumps into a wall.
MR. GLASS: AAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
DOGGETT: Whoops. My bad.
Mr. Glass is writhing on the ground.
MR. GLASS: This kinda shit never happened in Pulp Fiction.
Well, at least I’m alive.
A dumpster falls on Mr. Glass crushing all of his body
except for his head.
MR. GLASS: Well ain’t this a bitch?
Mulder, Scully, Doggett and Lara are still running.
MULDER: Shouldn’t we get some of that Toad goop off Lara’s
face?
LARA: MMMMMPPPPPHHHH!
SCULLY: Fine. Spoil our fun…
Scully yanks the goop off Lara’s face taking her eyebrows
with it.
LARA: OWWWWWW!
SCULLY: Oops.
LARA: MY EYEBROWS!!!
SCULLY: Oh it’s hardly noticeable! Here, I’ll fix it
Scully does a quick make-up job on Lara.
SCULLY: Done.
Scully moves out of the way, Lara now has the word “Slut”
written on her forehead.
MULDER: Why did she write that? It’ll just wash off when
Lara’s in the shower.
DOGGETT: Um, are the LOLA guys still after us?
MULDER: I don’t know. Why?
DOGGETT: So who’s that?
Mulder, Doggett, Scully and Lara look over and see Kreegan
from Cleopatra 2525 standing next to them.
KREEGAN: Hi.
A pause.
SCULLY: He’s a bad guy. We should probably scream and run
about now. Is that right?
KREEGAN: Yeah. Pretty much.
MULDER: Do we have to? I mean, look at him! He’s the Joker’s
gay brother!
Everyone laughs.
KREEGAN: Well, I have this.
Kreegan pulls out a large gun and blasts a car into
oblivion.
MULDER: Oh.
A pause.
MULDER, DOGGETT, SCULLY, & LARA: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
They run.
SCULLY: Quick! We’ll duck in here!
They run into a club. The get inside and see they’re in a
hip hop night club.
DOGGETT: Wow! I think we’re the only white people here!
MULDER: Really, Doggett? We hadn’t noticed!
DMX: YO! WASSUP?
LARA: Nothin’. Chillin’.
Five minutes later…
Lara and Scully are dancing on stage with DMX, Nelly and
Busta Rhymes.
DMX & SCULLY: Y’all gonna make me lose my cool! Up in here!
Up in here!
MULDER: This is going to be a long night…
DOGGETT: Word. Bartender! Scotch and soda!
BARTENDER: We don’t serve scotch.
MULDER: What do you serve?
The Bartender puts two 40oz bottles of Schlitt’s Malt Liquor
on the counter.
DOGGETT: COOL!
------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this fall, a new series from the legendary and still-dead creator of
Star Trek, It's GENE RODDENBERRY'S NOTES I ONCE SCRIBBLED ON A McDONALDS
NAPKIN!
MAN: Where are my McNuggets?
MAN #2: This Coke tastes watered down.
MAN #3: I hope that Majel doesn't get her hands on these notes because I
KNOW she'll turn it into another series after I'm dead.
GENE RODDENBERRY'S NOTES I ONCE SCRIBBLED ON A McDONALDS NAPKIN followed by
GENE RODDENBERRY'S SOILED TOLIET TISSUE!
------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, at Dr. Evil’s lair…
DOCTOR EVIL: How long until the planetary alignment, Number
Two?
NUMBER TWO: Three days, Dr. Evil. We have good news for you.
You know of the ancient evil that will be unleashed by the
wielder of the Golden Pussy?
DOCTOR EVIL: Not really, but does it really matter? We’re
going to take over the world!
NUMBER TWO: Regardless, we have acquired the legend of that
evil… THE SCORPION KING!
Musical sting.
DOCTOR EVIL: Fascinating. Go on…
NUMBER TWO: Well, the tale begins in ancient Egypt…
We fade into a flashback… Number Two is narrating.
NUMBER TWO: The Pharaoh Seti was ruling all of Egypt with an
iron fist. Only one man dared to challenge him. The Scorpion
King.
We see a girl run up to The Scorpion King with a microphone.
NEFERTIRI: Scorpion King! Is it true you’ve challenged
Pharaoh Seti to a steel cage match for control of Egypt?
SCORPION KING: First off, Nefertiri! Know your role and shut
your mouth! The Scorpion King says Seti, you run your mouth!
You talk your trash about the Scorpion King and his
millions…………………. And millions of undead dog men! To this the
Scorpion King says you can take that Golden Pussy you hold
so dear… shine it up real nice…. Turn that sumbitch sideways
and stick it straight up your candy ass! So what if that
bald idiot Impotent is the special guest referee!
NEFERTIRI: His name is Imhotep…
SCORPION KING: IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HIS NAME IS! It
doesn’t matter if Seti brings that two dollar tramp he calls
a wife, Anuck-sun-amun to the ring side! Or as everyone else
backstage calls her… Asuck-in-aman! All that matters is that
this Sunday at Pharoahmania 12, as everyone is chanting my
name… SCOR-PI-ON… SCOR-PI-ON… SCOR-PI-ON! All that matters
is that it’s one on one with the Scorpi-one! All that
matters is that he just… brings it!
NUMBER TWO: And so the match was made… and that Sunday, Live
at the Nile Arena… It was going to be The Scorpion King
versus Seti!
We see the match is under way. We see them beating the crap
out of each other. Seti is gaining the upper hand until The
Scorpion King slams Seti on the ground.
JIM ROSS: MY GOD! He’s setting Seti up for the most
electrifying move in all of Egypt… The Scorpion Elbow!!!
The Scorpion King bounces off one set of ropes, off the
other and drops his elbow right into the chest of Seti.
Suddenly, from behind him, Imphotep hits the Scorpion King
with a steel chair. Imhotep and Seti kick the crap out of
the Scorpion King. We fade back from the flash back to
Number Two telling the story.
NUMBER TWO: The Scorpion King was destroyed that night. He
vowed that upon his return, he would destroy everyone in his
path.
A pause. Dr. Evil and Scott are staring at Number Two.
DOCTOR EVIL: Riiiiiiiiight. Okay. Anyone else need to pee?
SCOTT EVIL: That… was the DUMBEST story EVER!!! Where the
hell do they get microphones, steel cages and chairs back in
Ancient Egypt? And the Nile Arena?? What is that crap? There
weren’t arenas… they didn’t even…
NUMBER TWO: Shhh!
SCOTT EVIL: Oh come on…
NUMBER TWO: SHHHH!
SCOTT EVIL: Not you too!
NUMBER TWO: Shhhhhhhhhh!
Meanwhile… the next morning. At the club… Scully, Mulder,
Lara and Doggett wake up on the floor of the hip hop club.
SCULLY: Ooooowwww.
MULDER: Scully! Are you all right? Is it another chip in
your head? Pregnancy? Worm thing in your back?
SCULLY: No. Hangover.
LARA: Ugh. I feel dirty.
DOGGETT: I’m not surprised. When you were dancing around
that pole, half the rappers sprayed you with Cristal.
LARA: That was Cristal? Awww…. Darn. I’ll be right back. I
have to…
EVERYONE: TAKE A SHOWER. WE KNOW.
MULDER: Ow! My back itches!
DOGGETT: Me too.
They take off their shirts. They now have tattoos on their
backs of the words “Sweet” and “Dude”
MULDER: Hey! You have a tattoo! Sweet!
DOGGETT: So do you! Dude!
MULDER: What does mine say?
DOGGETT: Dude! What does mine say?
MULDER: Sweet! What does mine say?
DOGGETT: Dude! What does mine say?
MULDER: Sweet! What does mine say?
DOGGETT: Dude! What does mine say?
MULDER: Sweet! What does mine say?
DOGGETT: DUDE! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?
MULDER: SWEET! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?
DOGGETT: DUUUUUDDE! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?
MULDER: SWWWWEEEEEEET! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?
DOGGETT: DUUUUUDDE! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?
MULDER: SWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!!
Mulder and Doggett start fighting. Meanwhile, back at
Doctor Evil’s headquarters, Frau Farbissina and Unibrow
arrive with their LOLA troops. Prophelon is now in a
wheelchair with an even bigger penis-shaped cast on his
crotch. Every time his is wheeled over a bump, he whimpers
pitifully.
DOCTOR EVIL: So, Frau… How’s every little thing? Did you
destroy Mulder and Scully as I commanded you to?
FRAU FARBISSINA: Not exactly, heir doctor. Zere vere…
complications.
PROPHELON: Little Prophie’s been broken and may never arise
again!
DOCTOR EVIL: Shit. I suppose I shall have to take solace
in the fact that while you were all gone doing what you do
best… FAILING! We’ve had a new member of LOLA join up.
FRAU FARBISSINA: Who?
SCOTT EVIL: Just when you think things can’t get any more
pathetic…
DOCTOR EVIL: Our newest member is a comic book junkie who’s
bones are so brittle that they break with the slightest
blow… recently, he had every bone in his body crushed by a
dumpster and has vowed revenge on the people responsible…
his name: Elijah Prince!
MR. GLASS enters. His severed head is now in a jar of
formaldehyde and has been attached to a wheeled cart like
something your would see on “Futurama”.
MR. GLASS: They called me MISTER GLASS!!!
Lightning flashes. Scott gives Doctor Evil a “You’ve got to
be kidding!” look.
SCOTT EVIL: Are you fucking nuts? Come on! This guy
couldn’t hurt anyone! What’s he going to do? Bite people
in the ankles? I mean, for shit’s sake…
MR. GLASS: Perhaps a demonstration of my talent is in
order.
DOCTOR EVIL: Oh, yes, Mr. Glass, demonstrate.
MR. EVIL: If you will just hand me that package.
SCOTT EVIL: Which package?
MR. GLASS: It’s the one that says Bad Mutha Fucker on it,
bitch!
Scott Evil jumps a foot and then runs over to the package
that has “BAD MUTHA FUCKER” printed across it. He sets it
in front of Mr. Glass who has started to behave a lot more
like your typical Samuel L. Jackson character.
MR. GLASS: Now SIT yo’ bitch ass down, you little honky
fuck!
Scott runs back to his seat and hides behind it. A metal
tentacle comes out of the base of Mr. Glass’s jar and
presses a button on the package. The package erupts in a
giant metal endoskeleton which picks up Mr. Glass’s head and
places it on the endoskeleton’s shoulders.
NUMBER TWO: My WORD! What is that!?
MR. GLASS: The Kill-a-Tron 2001… when you absolutely
positively gotta kill every single mother-fucker in the
room!
DOCTOR EVIL: Riiiiiiiiiiight. Also joining us, from the
classic Saturday morning cartoon series, The Superfriends…
it’s THE LEGION OF DOOM!!! Gorrila Grodd, The Riddler,
Bizzaro, Brainiac, Lex Luthor, The Toyman, Solomon Grundy,
Black Manta, Captain Cold, Cheetah, Scarecrow, and Giganta!
Everyone is silent for a moment.
SCOTT EVIL: I…
Wait for it…
Okay.
SCOTT EVIL: I can’t believe this!
DOCTOR EVIL: Breathtaking, isn’t it? Now, my pretties… go
forth and kill… KILL… KILL!!!
All the LOLA’s, Fat Bastard, Frau Farbissina, Unibrow, and
Mini-Me go out the door. Doctor Evil stops Alotta Fagina.
DOCTOR EVIL: No. I need you here, Alotta Fagina. You are
the only one who can touch the Golden Pussy because, if you
remember…
The words IMPORTANT PLOT POINT begin to flash at the bottom
of the screen.
DOCTOR EVIL: …only a female may touch the Golden Pussy.
ALOTTA FAGINA: But, didn’t Kreegan from Cleopatra 2525
touch it?
Doctor Evil raises one eyebrow and looks over at the wall
where a smoking and burned gay-joker skeleton is embedded in
the concrete.
ALOTTA FAGINA: Oh.
DOCTOR EVIL: He was almost a female, but not quite there.
A shame. I liked him. He was silly.
Meanwhile, Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Lara roll into a
drive through to get some food.
SCULLY: We’re running out of time, Mulder. According to
the parchment translation given by the late Lone Gunman,
we’ve only two days until the planetary alignment that will
bring forth Doctor Evil’s chance to take over the world!
MULDER: All right, we’ll deal with that after we get some
food.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: Heh-row! Relcome to Madame Wangs!
Rhat can re do for you?
MULDER: Gimme an order of Tai Pae noodles.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
SCULLY: I’d like the sweet and sour pork.
MULDER: Sweet and Sour pork.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
DOGGETT: I want the broccoli and beef.
MULDER: Give us a broccoli and beef.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
LARA: I have to watch my figure, so give me a side of fried
pork, three cartons of noodles, the stir fry special, and a
twelve pack of fortune cookies. Oh, and a diet coke and ask
if they have a shower.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
MULDER: That’s all.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
MULDER: (beat) And then there’s nothing. We’ve made our
order.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
MULDER: NOTHING!
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
MULDER: Nothing, dammit! We’ve finished with our order!
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
MULDER: NOTHING!
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den?
MULDER: And then, if you don’t stop saying “and then?” I’m
going to reach through that speaker and choke you until you
are DEAD but not before I take this speaker and SHOVE IT UP
YOUR FUCKING ASS!
Silence.
DRIVE THRU SPEAKER: And den! And den! And den! And den!
And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And
den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den!
And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And
den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den!
And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And
den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den! And den!
And den! And den!
MULDER: ARGH!!!!
Mulder leaps out of the drivers seat and tries to tear the
drive through clown-head apart. Scully grabs him and pulls
him back in.
SCULLY: Let’s just get our damn food, Mulder! Shit!
The car pulls to the window.
WINDOW GUY: Here is your ordah!
Mulder takes the order.
MULDER: How much do I owe for this?
WINDOW GUY: That rill be one ancient parchment!
MULDER: Wow, fortunately, we have one left!
Mulder hands him the parchment.
SCULLY: Mulder, you idiot! That’s not a take-out window
guy! That’s Frau Farbissina with thick glasses, a fake
overbite, and a Beatles wig!
FRAU FARBISSINA: Yes! And now VE have dee parchment! LOLA
SQUAD, ATTACK!!!
Frau Farbissina ducks into the window as FAT BASTARD,
PROPHELON, THE BLAIR WITCH (TONY DANZA), and THE BORG QUEEN
land in front of the car.
SCULLY: Oh, SHIT!
DOGGETT: (looking in bag) I know, they forgot my broccoli
and beef!
Suddenly, the car is kicked by THE SPINOSAUROUS and rolls
down an embankment and, strangely, into a Central American
island rainforest! The car lands on its top in the pouring
rain as the Spinosaurous looms overhead.
DOGGETT: (still looking in take-out bag) And they didn’t
give us any soy sauce either! I’m going to talk with the
manager!
Doggett crawls out of the car and marches between the legs
of the Spinosaurous back up to the restaurant. The dinosaur
begins to follow.
Meanwhile, back in the overturned car, Mulder, Scully, and
Lara are still trapped. Water from the rain begins filling
the upside down cabin.
LARA: Oh, it’s about bloody time!
Lara undresses, gets out a bar of soap, and lathers up.
MULDER: Scully, I have whiplash and to turn around and look
at Lara will surely mean irreparable damage to my spinal
cord that will leave me a crippled invalid by the time I’m
sixty… BUT I CAN’T NOT LOOK!
Mulder twists his neck around to watch Lara bathe. We hear
several pops and cracks coming from his neck.
SCULLY: MULDER! Are you in agony?
MULDER: (grinning widely) Yes, oh God it hurts so good!
Meanwhile, Doggett is still being followed by the
Spinosaurous who looks like it’s ready to bite down on
everyone’s favorite human doorstop any second!
DOGGETT: Wait a minute! The restaurant was THIS way!
Doggett turns around and starts back just as the giant
dinosaur strikes. The dinosaur slips in the river of soapy
water from Lara’s latest bath and falls down a cliff to its
death.
Meanwhile, Mulder, Scully, and a half-naked Lara crawl out
of the car and see THE BORG QUEEN, and PROPHELON!
BORG QUEEN: You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!
MULDER: Yeah? Well so’s your mother!
The Borg Queen lunges at Mulder with her assimilated
thingies. She and Mulder struggle until Scully notices a
little button on the Queen’s back that says “EJECT”. Scully
presses it sending the Queen’s head rocketing into the air.
MULDER: Well, I like a girl with a good… head on her
shoulders.
SCULLY: Yeah.
MULDER: I guess a little… head is out of the question?
SCULLY: Probably.
MULDER: I guess her favorite shampoo is… head and
shoulders?
SCULLY: Uh-huh.
MULDER: I think that…
SCULLY: That’s enough.
MULDER: All right.
Mulder, Scully, and Lara turn to leave.
PROPHELON: Not so fast, mortals! Prophelon will have his
revenge for…
The Borg Queen’s dead head reenters the atmosphere striking
Prophelon in the crotch. The head bites down and Prophelon
runs around banging his crotch against trees trying to get
the head to let go. Lara takes out a video camera and films
for a while.
Meanwhile, Doggett arrives at the Chinese Restaurant and
goes up the manager.
DOGGETT: I want to have a word with you about… Hey, aren’t
you Vanilla Ice?
VANILLA ICE: I was Vanilla Ice… a long time ago. Now I’m
known as Eminem, but don’t tell anybody.
DOGGETT: VANILLA ICE IS EMINEM!?
Everyone in the restaurant gasps.
VANILLA ICE/EMINEM: Aw, now everybody knows!
Eminem picks up a chainsaw.
EMINEM: Now you’re going to die, bitch!
Eminem trusts the chainsaw at Doggett who steps out of the
way revealing FAT BASTARD who has been waiting in line.
FAT BASTARD: Yes, I’ll have the Moo Goo Gia Pan with…
The chainsaw becomes embedded in Fat Bastard’s gut grinding
it to a halt.
FAT BASTARD: Ooooooo, you little tit!
Fat Bastard grabs Eminem and eats him whole.
FAT BASTARD: Will the real Slim Shady please shut up?
Mmmm… he tasted angry and untalented!
DOGGETT: Wait a second, I’m totally confused here. Why did
Eminem show up all of the sudden and why was he really
Vanilla Ice and WHY was he managing a Chinese take out
place?
FAT BASTARD: To reveal that I would have to tell you a
story so HORRIBLE and SICKENING that it would be to TERRIBLE
to comprehend and would haunt you until the day you died!
DOGGETT: I’ll pass.
FAT BASTARD: So will I!
Fat Bastard bends over and farts destroying half the
building and blasting Kari Wuhrer into the air.
KARI WUHRER: Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this summer, it's CHARLIE'S ANGELS II: THE NEW ANGELS.
CHARLIE: Angels, it looks like we've been sued by the ACLU for only hiring
beautiful women for agents. Therefore, allow me to introduce you
to our newest angels. Ellen is a middle-aged lesbian with horrible
personality and Timmy is a fourteen year old mentally challenged
child in a Wheelchair.
TIMMY: TIMMY!
BOSLEY: I quit.
------------------------
Meanwhile, back in the rain forest, Mulder, Scully, and Lara
make their way through the bushes. Lara takes out her video
camera.
LARA: Mulder! Scully! Let me film you guys!
Suddenly, we see Laura’s shaky camera picture as she follows
Mulder and Scully.
SCULLY: Face it, we’re lost!
MULDER: We wouldn’t be lost if you hadn’t threw away the
map!
SCULLY: WHAT map!? You mean that place mat from Denny’s?
MULDER: It was a map of the United States!
SCULLY: You drew all over it with crayons!
Tony Danza jumps out of the bushes.
TONY DANZA: BLAH!
MULDER: It’s the Blair Witch!
SCULLY: RUN FOR IT!
The camera begins to bounce after Mulder and Scully.
Periodically, we see Laura’s boobs bounce into picture.
SCULLY: AHHHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHHH!!! WHAT IS THAT!? WHAT
THE FUCK IS THAT!?
They run through a bunch of trees. Lara huddles down in a
corner and points the camera at herself.
LARA: I’m so scared right now. I just wanted to say… to
everyone who bought tickets to Tomb Raider and Gone in Sixty
Seconds… I’m so sorry!
Lara’s face becomes obscured as her breasts fill up the
picture.
LARA: God, I wish I could get a good shower.
Tony Danza jumps out at her.
TONY DANZA: BOOOGIDY! BOOOGIDY! BOO!
LARA: AHHHH!!!
Suddenly, Kari Wuhrer falls from the sky, landing on Tony
Danza.
TONY DANZA: Angela! Samantha! Mona! Gah!
Tony Danza dies.
LARA: What the buggery bugger?
KARI WUHRER: Oh, hello… is Sliders still on the air?
LARA: No.
KARI WUHRER: Damn. Back to porno for me!
Kari Wuhrer walks away about the time that Mulder and Scully
show back up.
LARA: Mulder! Scully! You came back for me! To rescue me
from The Blair Witch!
MULDER: Actually, no. We were both scared shitless.
SCULLY: And then we remembered that she’s Tony Danza.
MULDER: So we came back to kick his ass.
SCULLY: Looks like you beat us to the punch.
MULDER: Speaking of punches… or at least, people I want to
punch… where’s Agent Dogshit?
Meanwhile, Doggett is running away from Fat Bastard who gets
winded and has to stop.
FAT BASTARD: (huff, huff, huff) LOLA SQUAD! (huff, huff)
ATTACK!
The Riddler, Solomon Grundy, and Toyman land in front of
Doggett.
DOGGETT: I don’t believe this!
TOYMAN: Yes, are you in awe of our power?
DOGGETT: No, I mean… how can a bunch of stupid cartoon
characters from the 70’s supposed to fight me or I fight
them?
Solomon Grundy punches Doggett I the face.
DOGGETT: Oh.
SOLOMON GRUNDY: SOLOMON GRUNDY WANT DOGGETT DIE!
DOGGETT: What are you supposed to be? A retarded version
of the Hulk?
SOLOMON GRUNDY: SOLOMON GRUNDY GETTING TIRED OF COMPARISONS
TO HULK! SOLOMON GRUNDY PRE-DATE HULK!
Doggett runs to a window and shouts to a Marvel convention
next door.
DOGGETT: HEY GUYS! THIS GUY IN HERE SAYS THAT SOLOMON
GRUNDY PRE-DATES THE HULK!
NERD: What?
GEEK: The Hulk is, like, way cooler than Solomon Grundy!
DORK: Yeah! DC copies everything Marvel does!
VIRGIN: Let’s get ‘em!
The Marvel Zombies charge Solomon Grundy and beat him to
death with their asthma inhalers. They look at Toyman.
LOOSER: Who are you?
TOYMAN: I’m Toyman!
GEEK: Hey! Toyman starts with a “T”!
DORK: And so does The Fantastic Four!
NERD: GET ‘EM!
The Marvel Zombies corner Toyman.
TOYMAN: Not so fast! I will destroy you all with my TOYS!
TOYS! TOYS!!!
Toyman puts a little toy robot on the floor.
PUSSY: GAH! A TOY ROBOT!
The pussy jumps out the window. Everyone else pauses.
MARVEL ZOMBIES: A toy robot?
TOY ROBOT: DIE TURKEY!
The toy robot fires machine guns into the Marvel Zombies
killing them all and making the world a better place.
BOB KNIGHT: YOU CALL THAT A MASSACRE!?
TOYMAN: Former Indiana Coach Bob Knight?
BOB KNIGHT: I’M ASKING THE QUESTIONS HERE, NUMBNUTS! YOU
FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU THINK YOU’RE A GOOD DAMN PLAYER!
YOU AIN’T JACK SHIT!
Bob Knight grabs Toyman by the throat and chokes him until
he’s dead. Bob Knight then starts to walk out the door just
as Prophelon shows up, holding his balls in pain.
PROPHELON: Excuse me, could I get an…?
Bob Knight kicks Prophelon in the nuts.
PROPHELON: AAAAAAAAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!!!
Bob Knight goes out the door and is hit by the spooky green-
faced Truck from Maximum Overdrive splattering blood and
body bits on the windows. Doggett, The Riddler, and Fat
Bastard watch slack-jawed drinking the last bits of their
sodas through a straw.
DOGGETT: Look guys, no offense or anything, but this is
getting a little too weird for me.
FAT BASTARD: So, we call it a draw then?
DOGGETT: Sure. I’ll see you guys later.
RIDDLER: Here, Agent Doggett, take this.
The Riddler hands Doggett a piece of paper, helps Fat
Bastard pick up Prophelon, and leaves. Mulder, Scully, and
Lara show up.
SCULLY: (watching Fat Bastard and others leave) Got too
weird, huh?
DOGGETT: You have no idea.
TATTOO GUY: You must be wary my friends.
Everyone jumps.
MULDER: JESUS!
SCULLY: I’m going to have to put a fucking bell on you!
TATTOO GUY: Sorry. The planetary alignment draws near.
You must stop Doctor Evil at once!
DOGGETT: Is that all you’re going to tell us? Stop Doctor
Evil? Why don’t you tell us something constructive for
once!?
TATTOO GUY: All right. If the rite of the Golden Pussy is
done incorrectly, it will bring forth the Scorpion King and
he will destroy all life on Earth.
SCULLY: Ah, well… that’s something new.
TATTOO GUY: Not to fear, my friends. Without the
parchment, Doctor Evil will never complete the rite. He
will not control the Golden Pussy or bring the Scorpion
King.
A long awkward pause. Tattoo Guy looks at Mulder.
TATTOO GUY: Doctor Evil has the parchment, doesn’t he?
MULDER: (mumbles)
TATTOO GUY: (holds hand to his ear) I didn’t quite catch
that.
MULDER: Yes.
SCULLY: He traded it for a plate of Chinese Food.
TATTOO GUY: It is times like this that I must remain calm
and centered as my years of training have… YOU STUPID MOTHER
FUCKER!!! YOU GAVE THEM THE PARCHMENT! DO YOU HAVE YOUR
FUCKING HEAD UP YOUR ASS OR WHAT!?
DOGGETT: Whoa!
SCULLY: Jesus, dude!
Lara emerges from the shower wearing a towel.
LARA: I have a suggestion. Perhaps we could look around
for some…oh, what do you call it when the bad guys leave
hints for the good guys to follow?
SCULLY: Clues?
LARA: No… that’s not it. It’s when you, like, find a fiber
or a hair and it leads you to where the bad guys are hiding.
SCULLY: They’re called clues.
LARA: When there’s a footprint or something?
SCULLY: CLUES! CLUES, YOU BIG-BREASTED BONE-HEADED BUBBLE-
BRAINED BITCH! CLUES!
LARA: I remember now! They’re called umbrellas!
SCULLY: GAH!
Scully picks up a chair and is about to smash it over Lara’s
head when Doggett holds up the piece of paper that the
Riddler gave him.
DOGGETT: Uh… I think I’ve found something.
SCULLY: Be with you in a moment, Agent Doggett.
Scully smashes the chair over Lara’s head.
SCULLY: You were saying?
DOGGETT: The Riddler gave me this before he left! I think
it may be one of those umbrellas that Lara was talking
about.
Scully punches Doggett in the face. Mulder takes the piece
of paper.
MULDER: (reading) Milk, eggs, flour, Trojans… this is a
shopping list.
SCULLY: Is it, Mulder? Let’s not forget that the Riddler
is one of the most diabolically clever minds in the world!
It’s got to be a riddle.
MULDER: It’s… a shopping list.
SCULLY: Think about it, Mulder… Where does milk come from?
MULDER: Cows.
SCULLY: And we get leather from cows, don’t we?
MULDER: Yeah, but…
SCULLY: Leather costs a lot of money and money is printed
at the mint. I once stayed at the Waldorf and they let a
mint on my pillow… the pillow was filled with down, and down
is only one letter away from “dawn”, the popular dish soap
bottled in Yakoo, Michigan!
MULDER: Scully, that makes no sense.
DOGGETT: Guys?
SCULLY: Secondly, the second item on the list: Eggs.
Mulder, where do eggs come from?
MULDER: Chickens?
SCULLY: More precise, Mulder, the asses of chickens! I’ve
read in the Enquirer that Johnny Depp is an ass. Johnny
Depp’s movie, Sleepy Hollow stared Christopher Walken.
Patsy Cline had a hit in “Walkin’ After Midnight”. Midnight
happens at 12:00… just as there are 12 days of Christmas
that falls on the 25th… hence, 25 Walken Road!
MULDER: But…?
DOGGETT: Guys?
SCULLY: The third item on the list is flour. Bambi had a
friend named Flower. Flower was a skunk! Skunks smell bad
just like Harry Knowles smells bad! Harry Knowles is big,
fat, and orange… a lot like an oversized orange and, Mulder,
tell me… where is the world’s largest orange currently
located.
DOGGETT: Guys?
MULDER: Everyone knows that! Abandoned Factory, Tennessee!
SCULLY: Exactly! Therefore, we must look for an abandoned
factory on 25 Walken Road in Yakoo, Michigan.
LARA: And the Trojans must mean and abandoned… RUBBER
factory!
SCULLY: Exactly!
Everyone stares at her for a second.
MULDER: Scully, that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
and I’ve been hanging around with big-boobed-bimbo all day!
DOGGETT: GUYS! This note has a letterhead. It says, “From
the desk of Doctor Evil: 25 Walken Road, Yakoo Michigan.
Everyone looks at Scully.
TATTOO GUY: You must hurry! It will take you at least a
day to get there and, if Doctor Evil summons the Scorpion
King… then God help us all!
Meanwhile, in Doctor Evil’s super-duper secret lair,
everyone is applauding the latest song from Darth Brooks.
DARTH BROOKS: Thank you! Of course, that was my number one
platinum single, “My Family Tree Don’t Branch”. Next, I’d
like to sing you a little ditty I call, “Mama’s in Jail,
Daddy’s in Hell, Sister’s on the Corner Singin’ Pussy for
Sale!”
Scott Evil reaches for the button that will send himself
into Doctor Evil’s fire pit, but Doctor Evil cracks his
knuckles with a ruler. Frau Farbissina and Unibrow show up.
DOCTOR EVIL: Tell me you have the parchment!
FRAU FARBISSINA: Dah, Doctor Evil. Ve have de parchment.
DOCTOR EVIL: You’re not just telling me that to spare my
feelings are you?
Frau Farbissina holds up the paper.
DOCTOR EVIL: Oh joy. Oh bliss. Oh rapture.
SCOTT EVIL: You mean, the LOLA Squad actually did something
right?
DOCTOR EVIL: I’m as shocked as you are, Scott.
Nevertheless, you must tell me how you managed to get this
from those agents!
FRAU FARBISSINA: It was quite simple, Heir Doctor. First,
we…
A hand begins fondling Frau’s shoulder. Frau looks and sees
INTENDENT KIRA from Deep Space Nine.
FRAU FARBISSINA: Who…?
DOCTOR EVIL: Ah, this is our newest member… Intendent Kira,
an evil lesbian from another dimension.
INTENDENT KIRA: (to Frau) I want to get a strap-on and do
you like there’s no tomorrow.
Frau looks at Doctor Evil for help.
DOCTOR EVIL: Back off, my dear. She’s spoken for.
Intendent Kira stomps off. Fat Bastard, The Riddler, and
Prophelon appear in the doorway. Prophelon is in traction
with a heart monitor hooked up to his crotch.
DOCTOR EVIL: Ah, Fat Bastard… have Mulder and Scully been…
liquidated?
FAT BASTARD: Ah, no exactly.
DOCTOR EVIL: (beat) No matter. Have a seat, gentlemen.
Anything I can get you?
PROPHELON: An ice pack would be nice.
They all sit at the table.
DOCTOR EVIL: It doesn’t matter anymore, anyway. Mulder
and Scully have lost the parchment and they have no idea
where to find us!
RIDDLER: Yeah. A good thing I left them a riddle to find
us.
DOCTOR EVIL: Yes, it’s a good thing you… WHAT!?
RIDDLER: I left them a riddle to find us. Milk, eggs,
flour, Trojans…
DOCTOR EVIL: You… FOOL! It is only a matter of time before
they discover that milk means cow means leather means money
means mints mean down means dawn means Yakoo, Michigan!
SCOTT EVIL: And that Eggs mean chickens mean asses mean
Johnny Depp means Sleep Hollow means Christopher Walken
means Patsy Cline’s “Walking After Midnight” means 12 means
Christmas means the 25th… hence 25 Walken Road.
FRAU FARBISSINA: And that flour means flower means skunk
means smells means Harry Knowles means orange means orange
means Abandoned Factory!
DARTH BROOKS: What do the Trojans mean?
RIDDLER: Oh, that was just on my shopping list.
DOCTOR EVIL: Too bad you’ll never use them!
RIDDLER: Well, I probably wouldn’t have used them
anywaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!
Doctor Evil presses a button sending the Riddler into the
fire pit.
DOCTOR EVIL: Now, we need to prepare for the arrival of…
RIDDLER: Augh!
DOCTOR EVIL: The arrival of…
RIDDLER: Hello? Hello? I’m still alive! I’m still alive,
but I’m very badly burned!
DOCTOR EVIL: We have to prepare for the arrival of…
RIDDLER: Uh… could someone please open the door for me so
that I can get out? I would do it myself, but I’m veeeery
badly burned.
DOCTOR EVIL: The arrival of… excuse me.
Doctor Evil picks up a phone.
RIDDLER: Hello? I’m in quite a lot of pain here.
DOCTOR EVIL: (to phone) Yes, hello. Yes he’s down there.
No, not dead. Just burned. Would you…? Okay.
Doctor Evil hangs up. We hear a door open.
RIDDLER: Oh good! Listen, I’m not dead just very badly
burned! Could you please…
BANG!
DOCTOR EVIL: Right. We must prepare for…
RIDDLER: You SHOT me!
DOCTOR EVIL: We…
RIDDLER: YOU SHOT ME RIGHT IN THE…
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Doctor Evil starts to talk, but then listens for any more
signs of life from The Riddler. After a couple of seconds,
he continues.
DOCTOR EVIL: We must prepare for the imminent arrival of
Mulder and Scully and, when they get here, we must welcome
them properly.
DARTH BROOKS: Yee-haw! I’ll make ‘em squeal like a pig!
Darth Brooks “accidentally” hits Prophelon in the crotch
with his guitar.
PROPHELON: AAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!
---------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this summer, it's the remake of one of the most terrifying monster movies
ever made... THE BLOB starring HARRY KNOWLES!!!
Harry Knowles oozes up to a movie director.
HARRY KNOWLES: Give me a cameo and a free trip to the premier and I'll give
you a good review.
DIRECTOR: FUCK you, fatass!
Harry Knowles' ample body fat engulfs the movie director and dissolves him.
---------------------
Meanwhile, Mulder, Scully, and Lara are sitting on a plane.
PILOT: Evenin’ folks. We’re currently number 127th for
take off. We’ve shut off the air conditioner for our own
convenience and, if you’d like water, go fuck yourself!
SCULLY: You think Doggett was mad because we checked him
with the luggage?
MULDER: Oh, you saw how anxious he was to ride on the
conveyor belt.
PILOT: Remember, in the likely event of a water landing,
the seat cushions are the property of American Airlines and
may not be removed.
LARA: Fortunately, my breasts can be used as a floatation
device.
Mulder looks to his left and sees KRYCEK sitting next to
him.
MULDER: GAH!
KRYCEK: GAH!
MULDER: What are you doing here?
KRYCEK: What am I doing here? What are you doing here?
The Cigarette Smoking Man sits down next to Krycek.
CANCERMAN: Those dicks won’t let me have a bag of honey
roasted peanuts while we… GAH!
MULDER: GAH!
KRYCEK: GAH!
CANCERMAN: What’s he doing here?
MULDER: What am I doing here? What are YOU doing here?
CANCERMAN: Nothing.
KRYCEK: Nothing at all.
CANCERMAN: Sure, you COULD say that we’re on our way to
commit some gross act of espionage to further our
governmental conspiracy…
KRYCEK: Or that we’re on our way to pick up a crashed UFO…
CANCERMAN: O-o-or that we’re on our way to test the latest
vaccine for the black cancer.
KRYCEK: But we are definitely NOT on our way to a romantic
weekend for two at Niagara Falls.
Cancerman slaps him.
CANCERMAN: Shut up, you slut!
MULDER: I think I’ll change seats.
Mulder gets up and goes to the bathroom. When he opens the
door, we see Lara Croft taking a shower.
MULDER: How the hell are you doing that? It’s not
possible! There aren’t any showers on a…
The plane lurches as it takes off sending Mulder tumbling
into Lara’s shower. The door slams shut. Suddenly, we see
footage of tall phallic factory chimneys being demolished in
reverse, trains going into tunnels, a snake going into it’s
burrow, a rocket blasting off, a champagne bottle spewing,
Old Faithful erupting, fireworks, a tree falling in the
woods, and a long phallic-like balloon being deflated.
Scully and Doggett take off their earphones as the movie
stops.
SCULLY: That was the stupidest in-flight movie I’ve ever
seen! It didn’t make any sense!
DOGGETT: I disagree, Scully, I thought that that subtle
narrative and innuendic imagery was quite nice. Thumbs up
for me.
SCULLY: Let’s take a look at the movies we’ve reviewed
today. Two thumbs up for Planet of the Apes. I thought it
was a cautionary tale of man’s tampering with nature and a
thinly veiled warning of racism, while Doggett thought that
monkeys are funny. Two thumbs down for Get Over It. I
thought it was just another in a long line of unnessesary
teen comedies that aren’t that funny and really say nothing,
while Doggett thought that Sisqo sucks shit. Finally, a
split vote on Atlantis: The Lost Empire. I thought that
it was emotionally empty while Doggett liked the moving
lights and colors. That’s it for now. Tune in next week
as we review American Pie 2. Until then, the balcony is
closed.
TATTOO GUY: (appears suddenly) You must be warned!
SCULLY: GAH!
DOGGETT: Sonuva!
TATTOO GUY: Sorry.
SCULLY: Tattoo Guy! What? What’s wrong now?
TATTOO GUY: I hear that American Pie 2 is not as good as
American Pie 1.
A beat.
SCULLY: That’s it?
TATTOO GUY: That’s it. Gotta go!
Tattoo Guy gets up and leaves. Mulder shows up soaking wet
with lipstick smeared all over his grinning face.
SCULLY: Boned Lara, huh?
MULDER: Like nobody’s bid-ness!
SCULLY: I was wondering what the long line in front of the
bathroom was.
Mulder looks. In the bathroom Lara is in, we see a long
line and one of those signs that says “NOW SERVING 884”.
MULDER: I don’t believe… (a beat) Doggett? What are you
doing here? We checked you with the luggage!
DOGGETT: I… (blank look) What?
Lara finally shows up. She seats herself and looks out the
window. Suddenly, she looks back at the others with terror
in her eyes.
LARA: There… SOME… THING on the wing of this plane! SOME…
THING!
Scully looks.
SCULLY: That’s the engine.
LARA: Oh, for a second there I was… GAH! THERE’S SOMETHING
ON THE WING OF THIS PLANE! SOMETHING…
SCULLY: That a running light.
LARA: Whew. Another false alarm, I… AHHH! THERE’S
SOMETHING ON THE WING OF THIS…
SCULLY: That’s the engine again!
LARA: Oh.
Scully stops a stewardess.
STEWARD: I’m a steward.
Could’ve fooled me.
SCULLY: Excuse me, could I have a pillow?
The steward gives Scully a pillow. Scully begins to smother
Lara with it. Meanwhile, in Doctor Evil’s super duper top
secret lair…
DOCTOR EVIL: The alignment comes in less than three hours!
Soon I will rule the world with my GOLDEN PUSSY!
Everyone laughs.
DOCTOR EVIL: Why does everyone laugh when I say that?
NUMBER TWO: Doctor Evil, all of our remaining LOLA troops
are in place. When or if Mulder and Scully get here, we
will be ready for them. In fact, we’ve got a new member…
this is Scorpious from Farscape.
DOCTOR EVIL: What’s a Farscape?
DARTH BROOKS: Why, that’s what you climb down when your
building is on fire!
SCOTT EVIL: That’s a fire escape, you dickweed!
DARTH BROOKS: That’s what I said. Farscape.
SCOTT EVIL: Hill rat.
SCORPIOUS: I am here to serve you, Doctor Evil.
SCOTT EVIL: What the hell is he? I mean, he looks like an
albino monk with bad teeth!
DOCTOR EVIL: All right, Scott. Clam it.
SCOTT EVIL: But, seriously, he looks like a penis wearing a
hood!
DOCTOR EVIL: Clam it!
SCOTT EVIL: He looks like a…
DOCTOR EVIL: Clam it!
SCOTT EVIL: But he…
DOCTOR EVIL: Clam it, Janet! I love you!
SCOTT EVIL: I ju…
DOCTOR EVIL: Knock knock.
SCOTT EVIL: Who’s there?
DOCTOR EVIL: Clam.
SCOTT EVIL: Clam who?
DOCTOR EVIL: Clam it, you!
MINI ME: …
DOCTOR EVIL: Scorpious. Good to have you on board. Please
join Intendent Kira in corridor 33 and, trust me, take a
rubber.
Meanwhile, Mulder, Scully, Doggett, and Lara are sneaking
around the perimeter of Doctor Evil’s liar.
DOGGETT: I’ve never been so embarrassed in my life!
Imagine you three bitch-slapping the stewardess because you
couldn’t get a coke and rum!
SCULLY: Well, at least we didn’t blow a fart that filled
the whole cabin! When those oxygen masks dropped down, I
wanted to die!
LARA: I need a shower.
SCULLY: Shut up.
LARA: Well!
Lara looks around and sees a phone booth.
LARA: Shower!
Lara walks over to the phone booth and immediately falls
down a trap door.
MULDER: (looks) Lara’s missing.
SCULLY: So?
MULDER: Just making conversation.
DOGGETT: Maybe she was caught up in one of those really
cool Vietcong booby traps I was reading about in STUFF
Magazine. Do you realize that you can decapitate someone
with nothing but a tampon and a matchbook?
SCULLY: (looks through purse) Mulder, do you have a
matchbook?
Suddenly, TOAD, SCORPIOUS, BLACK MANTA, and PROPHELON burst
out of the ground!
SCORPIOUS: We’ve come for Mulder and Scully!
DOGGETT: What about me?
MULDER: (looks at Scorpious) Oh my God, Scully! It’s an
overgrown naked mole rat in a parka!
SCULLY: Naw, he looks more like a ninety-year-old man
wearing a sock who’s been in the bathtub too long.
SCORPIOUS: ENOUGH! LOLA SQUAD, ATTACK!
Toad leaps into the air and flattens Doggett before he can
shoot with his gun - him usual answer to everything. Mulder
and Scully fire at Black Manta at point blank range, but of
course every shot misses.
BLACK MANTA: You will succumb to the might of BLACK MANTA!
SCULLY: You’re who?
BLACK MANTA: I am the nemesis of AQUAMAN!
SCULLY: Oh, you pick on the little blonde guy who talks to
fish?
BLACK MANTA: I do more than that!
MULDER: Sure you do.
BLACK MANTA: I do!
SCULLY: Uh-huh. Oo, look at me! I’m the nemesis of
Aquaman! Ladee dah!
BLACK MANTA: You guys are dicks!
Black Manta gets out a harpoon and throws it at them.
Mulder and Scully jump out of the way and the harpoon
strikes Prophelon in the crotch.
PROPHELON: GAH!
Black Manta pulls on the harpoon ripping out a healthy
portion of Prophelon’s groin.
MULDER: Just like I said, Scully… NO BALLS!
SCULLY: Oh, you just too bad!
Mulder and Scully give each other high-fives and then push
Black Manta into Scorpious, impaling Scorpious with the
harpoon.
SCORPIOUS: GAK!
TOAD: Will you two stop playing around!?
Toad lashes his tongue out at Mulder, but it gets stuck on
Mulder’s butt. Mulder looks down and then looks at Toad.
Toad looks down and then up at Mulder.
SCULLY: Well, this is a Kodak moment.
Toad pulls his tongue free accidentally severing Black
Manta’s head with the recoil. He then takes out a bottle of
toothpaste and a toothbrush and starts brushing frantically.
MULDER: That was easy.
SCULLY: Yeah. If that was the worst that Doctor Evil is
going to throw at us, that Golden Pussy is ours!
DARTH BROOKS appears in a puff of black smoke behind them.
DARTH BROOKS: Greetin’s y’all! This song is called, “My
Dog Just Died Cause I Didn’t Use Enough KY”
MULDER & SCULLY: SCREEEEEEEEEEECH!!!
Mulder and Scully collapse in a pile of their own vomit.
Toad and Darth Brooks pick them up and haul them inside
while Prophelon limps behind them. Doggett is still
unconscious on the ground as the bad guys - much like the
fans of the X Files - just want to discount him. Later,
Mulder and Scully are in a cage as Doctor Evil and his LOLA
troops gloat.
DOCTOR EVIL: MUH… HA! HA! HA! HA!
MULDER: You’ll never get away with this, Doctor Evil!
SCULLY: Yeah! As we speak, renowned archeologist Lara
Croft and Special Agent John Doggett are working to free us!
MULDER: Oh shit… we’re doomed.
SCULLY: Not to mention, we’ve still got that funky tattooed
guy who appears out of nowhere for no reason!
TATTOO GUY: (appears behind them) Quite right, my friends.
MULDER, SCULLY, & DOCTOR EVIL: GAH!
TATTOO GUY: Sorry.
SCULLY: GOD! Does sneaking up behind us give you a boner
or something!?
MULDER: Tattoo Guy! Are you here to save us?
TATTOO GUY: Yes.
SCULLY: Then why are you INSIDE the cage?
Tattoo Guy starts to answer, but then stops and thinks about
it.
TATTOO GUY: Hmm… I’m beginning to think that appearing
inside this cage was not the smartest thing I’ve ever done.
DOCTOR EVIL: Indeed not. Come everyone! Let us leave our
nemesis…sis…seas to witness the dawn of the day that… I take
over the world! At last! The world will be mine!
TATTOO GUY: Doctor Evil! You must not complete the rite of
the Golden Pussy or the Scorpion King will destroy us all!
DOCTOR EVIL: Nonsense! The Scorpion King is only a myth… a
fairy tale… a legend. Like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
Doctor Evil leaves.
TATTOO GUY: It is written that the Scorpion King’s wrath is
unmatched.
MULDER: Hold up. Where is all of this written?
Tattoo Guy hands Mulder a brochure.
MULDER: Oh. Scully, look at this! It says here that David
Duchovney really has no talent and that his career will
spiral downward until he eventually has to do bit parts on
Fox Family shows for coke money. (a pause) Boy, do I feel
sorry for HIM!
----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this Summer, it's A KNIGHT'S TAIL.
GUY: Blimey! That knight has a tail!
WOMAN: He's a witch! Burn him!
They grab the knight and burn him.
----------
Meanwhile, Agent Doggett comes around and has begun
searching for the others. Eventually, he finds the phone
booth and dials a number.
DOGGETT: I swore I would only call them in an extreme
emergency. (dials, waits) This is John Doggett… I need
SASSIE here, NOW!
NARRATOR: Yes, SASSIE: The SOCIETY of ANNOYING SUPERHERO
SIDEKICKS and IRRITATING EXTRAS!
SOME GUY: SASSIE’s! ASSEMBLE! SASSIE ROLL CALL!
NARRATOR: From Batman and Robin, the multimillion dollar
flop that parody writers CAN’T STOP MAKING FUN OF… it’s
ROBIN!
ROBIN: Holy overplayed jokes, Batman!
NARRATOR: From The Phantom Menace, JAR JAR BINKS!
JAR JAR: Oooo! Mesa big poo-poo head!
NARRATOR: From THE SUPERFRIENDS… two characters added
solely for the sake of being token characters… BLACK
LIGHTNING and EL DORADO!
BLACK LIGHTNING: Great lightning! I haven’t seen action
since 1979!
EL DORADO: Indeed not, senor! There is much evil afoot,
si?
NARRATOR: And I, your narrator!
The narrator steps out… it is HANNIBAL “THE CANNIBAL”
LECTER.
ROBIN: Our narrator has been Anthony Hopkins all this time?
HANNIBAL LECTER: Do you have a PROBLEM with that,
sweetheart?
ROBIN: No SIR!
HANNIBAL LECTER: Good… last time someone questioned me, I
ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice ciante.
(slurp, slurp, slurp, slurp!) now… SASSIEs ATTACK!
A few minutes later, the SASSIEs arrive at Doctor Evil’s
super duper top secret hideout and meet up with Agent
Doggett.
ROBIN: We came as soon as we could!
BLACK LIGHTNING: Traffic was a bitch, dog!
DOGGETT: Dog? Bitch?
ROBIN: We got tired of Black Lightning being the token
stereotypical black guy with no personality, so we gave him
Dave Chapelle’s.
DOGGETT: You gave Black Lightning Dave Chapelle’s
personality?
BLACK LIGHTNING: Yeah, now get me some FRIED chicken,
bitch!
ROBIN: Holy racial profiling!
EL DORADO: They gave me Antonio Bandaras’. I’m so damn
sexy.
DOGGETT: (to Hannibal) And what are you here for?
HANNIBAL: Beats the shit out of me, Agent Doggett, but I
think I have more of a right to be here than this guy.
JAR JAR: Mesa big-o pain in the bo-bo!
DOGGETT: All right, men. Here’s the situation. I’ve found
the front door and I’ve been trying to push it open for an
hour, but it won’t budge.
Robin walks over and pulls the door open.
DOGGETT: Pull! Of course! Men! Let’s save the world!
Doggett and the SASSIE squad run into the hideout screaming
and yelling. Instantly, they loose the element of surprise
and are surrounded by TOAD, LEX LUTHOR, GIGANTA, BRAINIAC,
and GORILLA GRODD.
ROBIN: Holy living fuck!
GORILLA GRODD: You will never (slurp!) escape this
compound, my (slurp!) superior intellect is a hundred years
more (slurp!) advanced than yours!
Doggett stares for a second.
DOGGETT: Monkeys are funny.
GORILLA GRODD: I am NOT a (slurp!) monkey! I am a…
DOGGETT: Get the banana, monkey!
GORILLA GRODD: I am NOT a…
Doggett throws the banana at Grodd. It hits him in the
forehead and falls to the floor.
GORILLA GRODD: I will kill you (slurp!) myself!
Gorilla Grodd starts throwing his own poop at the heroes who
jump out of the way.
ROBIN: Holy shit!
Gorilla Grodd goes after Doggett, slips on the banana and
breaks his neck.
LEX LUTHOR: GAH! They killed Grodd!
GIGANTA: You bastards!
Giganta enlarges herself until she and her cleavage are
looming overhead.
ROBIN: Wow! I can see right down her…
Giganta jumps and lands on Robin. When she gets up, Robin
is trapped in her boobies.
EL DORADO: Rapido! We must save the boy wonder!
ROBIN: HAH! I just went through puberty at last! From now
on, I am the MAN wonder!
BLACK LIGHTNING: The man candy is more like it.
Brainiac steps out in from of Doggett
BRAINIAC: Do not move! I, BRAINIAC, will destroy you.
DOGGETT: You? You’re a bald guy in his underwear! What
are you going to do? Stop me with your super-powered skid
marks?
BRAINIAC: Stop staring at my ass and prepare to face the
wrath of my superior…
BANG! Doggett shoots him.
LEX LUTHOR: SHIT! I wanted to buy guns for the Legion of
Doom but, nooooooo! We had to blow all of our budget on
that stupid headquarters in the swamp! Oh, fuck this!
Lex Luthor pulls out a grenade.
LEX LUTHOR: Eat this, you bastards!
Lex throws the grenade at El Dorado.
EL DORADO: Tenies ciudado, amigos! It’s a… eh… uh… I can
never remember how to say “grenade” en Espanol.
El Dorado gets out an English to Spanish dictionary and
begins to look up grenade. Suddenly, he explodes.
Prophelon enters.
PROPHELON: Am I too late to get in on the fight?
A piece of shrapnel hits Prophelon in the groin.
PROPHELON: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Black Vulcan, Hannibal, Jar Jar, and Doggett are still
fighting when Robin’s crushed body falls on the floor.
BLACK VULCAN: Holy hopped up dog shit!
DOGGETT: Who dat said my name?
BLACK VULCAN: Giganta’s titties done crushed Robin like an
egg!
DOGGETT: Wow, that really sucks. I… (a beat) Where’s Jar
Jar?
Jar Jar is being crushed and eaten by the giant snake from
Anaconda.
JAR JAR: Help me! Help me! Mmmmmmmfffffff!
Jar Jar is swallowed whole… his screams can still be heard
from inside the massive snake.
DOGGETT: AWESOME!
BLACK VULCAN: Now, let’s deal with Lex Luthor!
DOGGETT: Where IS Lex Luthor?
Hannibal wanders over.
HANNIBAL LECTER: (BURPS!)
DOGGETT: Nevermind. What about Giganta!
The giant Giganta stands over them.
BLACK VULCAN: I’LL take care of this!
Black Vulcan flies up inside Giganta’s loincloth and inside
her… uh… well, let’s just say he flies inside her.
GIGANTA: Wheeeeee!
BLACK VULCAN: Oooo! Somebody’s got that “not so fresh”
feeling!
Giganta is electrocuted by Black Vulcan’s lightning bolts.
She falls to the ground dead as does Black Vulcan.
HANNIBAL: Obviously, the pressure inside a giant…
DOGGETT: Pooty-Poo?
HANNIBAL: …was too much for him.
Toad flies into the picture and kicks Doggett in the head.
TOAD: You’re going to die, Dogshit! I’m going to rip your
head off with my tongue just like I did that…
WHAM! Lara Croft falls on Toad, killing him.
LARA: What are the odds that trap door would’ve let out
here?
DOGGETT: Lara, are your breasts all right?
LARA: They’re fine. Who’s your friend?
DOGGETT: This is Doctor Hannibal Lector.
LARA: (swoons) A doctor?
DOGGETT: He’s also a cannibal.
LARA: That’s all right. A lot of nice people come from
Canada.
HANNIBAL: Tell me about yourself, Miss Croft.
LARA: Well, I grew up on a farm in Nebra… er, I mean
England.
HANNIBAL: Ah, the lambs Lara. Can you hear them? Can
you hear the lambs? (Hannibal farts loudly) Oo!
Must have been the fava beans!
LARA: By the by, why is there a dead snake in the middle
of the room?
They all look. Sure enough, the giant anaconda is dead
with a Jar Jar-shaped lump stuck in it’s throat.
HANNIBAL: Must have been something he ate.
DOGGETT: You think a dead snake is odd, but not a thousand
foot dead redhead in a loincloth?
INTENDENT KIRA: GRAH!
Suddenly INTENDENT KIRA leaps out of the shadows. She and
Lara begin wrestling in a tank of mud that has appeared for
no reason. Hannibal and Doggett sit down and start eating
popcorn eager for some hot lesbian action.
DOGGETT: This is giving me a special feeling.
HANNIBAL: Yes, like when I used to climb the rope in gym
class.
INTENDENT KIRA shoves LARA’s head into the mud and begins
spanking her.
HANNIBAL: Holy shit! Are you seeing this?
DOGGETT: KISS! KISS! KISS!
HANNIBAL: Yeah! Make out!
Intendent Kira pulls Lara out of the mud and gives her a
long toungue lashing across the face. Hannibal and Doggett
flinch and squirm.
DOGGETT: Got a cigarette?
Hannibal hands him one and then smokes one himself. Lara
manages to get a hand free and dials a number on her cel
phone.
LARA: Lesbian!
Kira kicks the cel phone out of her hand.
INTENDENT KIRA: Who the hell did you call?
Suddenly, a wall explodes and standing there is JERRY
FALWELL and PAT ROBERTSON.
JERRY FALWELL: It’s us! The Christian moral right!
PAT ROBERTSON: Did someone report a lesbian in the
vicinity?
Lara points at Intendent Kira. Pat Robertson and Jerry
Falwell take out some clubs and start beating her to death.
PAT ROBERTSON: Lesbianism is a SIN!
JERRY FALWELL: And for that, you will DIE!
DOGGETT: Guys? You’re beating her to death. Isn’t killing
ALSO a sin?
PAT ROBERTSON: Blasphemer!
JERRY FALWELL: Heretic!
DOGGETT: But, I thought that…
PAT ROBERTSON: Sinner!
JERRY FALWELL: Cocksucker!
Intendent Kira is dead. Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson
congradulate each other, shake hands, and then are crushed
by the large mechanical foot of MISTER GLASS.
MR. GLASS: Oh, I’m sorry! Did I mess up your
concentration?
LARA: Of all the buggering buggery bugger things to bugger
up at this bugging time!
HANNIBAL: You really have no clue how to use that word do
you?
Lara: No, I don't.
Lara hangs her head in shame.
--------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this summer, it's the sequel to Mission to Mars... MISSION TO URANUS!
Astronaut: Everyone, listen up! Here's the debriefing on Uranus. Uranus is
huge! Over 20 million miles in diameter. It's surrounded by a toxic
gas and the pressure deep inside would kill a normal man. Why the hell
is everyone laughing?
--------------
Meanwhile, in the cage, Mulder, Scully and Tattoo guy are watching as Dr. Evil
and various LOLA goons prepare for the Scorpion King's arrival.
Scully: Dr. Evil, there's one thing I've been wondering.
Mulder: Just one?
Scully: Shut it!
Dr. Evil: What is your question, Ms. Scully? Provided it isn't about how to
escape from your cage and stop our plans.
A pause.
Scully: Okay, I have a different question.
Dr. Evil: What?
Scully: If the wrath of the Scorpion King is real, how do you intend to keep
him from enacting his wrath on you?
Dr. Evil: Simple. With the help of my new assistant. Fiona! From Josie and
the Pussycats!
Music plays and Fiona is brought out on the shoulders of several large men.
Fiona: Hi Dr. Evil! I'm Fiona and welcome to my part of the show!
Scully: Why does she get all the hunky man toys?
Tattoo Guy: I know exactly how you feel.
Mulder and Scully look at Tattoo guy.
Dr. Evil: You see, Fiona has perfected a mind control device and we shall
use that in order to control the Scorpion King!
Scully: Mind control? You've got to be kidding.
Dr. Evil: Give them a demonstration, Fiona!
Fiona activates the mind control device. She directs it at Scully.
Scully: Haha! Dark Angel is the new Xena! Buy Mountain Dew Code Red!
Gerkin'!
Fiona shuts off the machine. Scully goes back to normal.
Scully: YOU EVIL BITCH!
Scott Evil: Wait. How do you expect to control a supernatural creature with
science? And how did she perfect a mind control device? She's got all the IQ
of. Mulder!
Mulder: Yeah! Wait.
Dr. Evil nods at Fiona. She turns the device on Scott.
Scott: Haha! Tara Reid is the new Jennifer Love Hewitt! Buy Playstation!
Shibby!
Dr. Evil: So Scott. What do you think of my plans?
Scott: DuJour means friendship!
Dr. Evil: Riiiiiiiight.
Meanwhile. a Robotic Mr. Glass has Lara, Doggett, and Hannibal Lecter
cornered.
Mr. Glass: Muthafucka! I gone make you my biznitch! I'm gonna put my foot so
far up your ass. you gonna wish.
Doggett walks up to Mr. Glass' disembodied head.
Mr. Glass: What are you doing?
Doggett taps on the glass.
Mr. Glass: Hey! Knock it off!
Doggett keeps tapping on the glass.
Mr. Glass: You want me to whoop your ass?
Doggett taps on the glass so much he actually tips the container containing
Mr. Glass' head over. It crashes on the ground causing Mr. Glass' head to
bounce directly over to Hannibal. Who starts bouncing it like a basketball.
He starts dribbling it in a rhythmic fashion (kinda like that Nike
commercial) he then passes it to Lara then Doggett, the Prophelon, Dr. Evil,
and Darth Brooks.
Back to reality.
Doggett stands over the broken robotic body of Mr. Glass. Lara and Hannibal
walk up to Doggett and pass him a 40. He takes a drink and pours the rest
out onto the robotic wreckage.
Doggett: This one's for my homies. I miss ya man!
All of a sudden, Prophelon bursts in with his wheelchair.
Lara: Don't tell me HE'S going to attack us?
Prophelon: What're you nuts? I'm not going to attack you, but a squad of the
lamest group around will: THE XFL!!!!!
Dozens of XFL players rush out. Unfortunately, they suck so bad they rush in
every direction EXCEPT towards Lara, Doggett and Hannibal. They run into
walls, Each other, one runs into Prophelon's crotch cast.
Prophelon: AIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!
Doggett: Okay. This is kinda silly. Let's get out of here.
Lara: You coming with us Hannibal?
Hannibal: (Licking lips) I'll catch up. I haven't had a buffet for a while.
Lara: Hold on. One of those dirty football players a drop of sweat on my
shoe. I have to take a shower.
Thirty minutes later, Lara and Doggett rush into the room where Dr. Evil and
other Lola members are holding Mulder, Scully and Tattoo Guy hostage.
Doggett: We're here to stop Dr. Evil from releasing the Scorpion King!
Everyone looks at him.
Dr. Evil: Sorry but you're too late. We started twenty minutes ago.
Doggett: CRAP!
Lara: Wait. how did you harness the power of the golden pussy?
FLASHBACK
We see Fiona hitting a security guard with the golden pussy.
Fiona: I SAID NON FAT LATTE! I HAVE. TO WATCH. MY FIGURE! YOU STUPID HEAD
DUMB FACE GUY!
Fiona hits the security guard so hard the head flies off and lands in the
middle of the room.
Golden Pussy: Congratulations! You have opened the golden pussy! To find
your local Pepsi bottler press 1! To hear William Shatner sing press 2! To
unleash the power of the Scorpion King press 3!
Dr. Evil: Now that's what I call getting "pussy-whipped"
Everyone stares at Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: By that I'm referring to her beating that guy with a statue of a
cat. A double-meaning. a homonym.
An awkward silence.
END OF FLASHBACK
The planets align and a beam of light envelops the room, when the light
fades, The Scorpion King is standing in the middle of the room.
Dr. Evil: Now Fiona! Now!
Fiona is about to activate the mind control machine when the Scorpion King
glares at Fiona. She is frozen in fear.
Scorpion King: Fiona! You touch that machine! You even ATTEMPT to brainwash
the Scorpion King. The Scorpion King will take your machine. shine it up
reallllll nice. turn that sumbitch sideways and shove it straight up your
candy ass!!!!
Mulder: Yeah! Get 'em Scorpion King!
The Scorpion King looks at Mulder.
Scorpion King: Agent Mulder! You talk trash pretty well! But keep it up and
you and the Scorpion King are going to go face to face! Only with that big
nose of yours, we'll be miles away!
Everyone: Ooooooohhh.
Dr. Evil: That was good.
The Scorpion King looks at Dr. Evil.
Scorpion King: Oh you think that was "good"? Well, the Scorpion King has
something good for you! The Scorpion King knows you have one eye that looks
that way and the other eye looks that way! Well the Scorpion King is going
to slap you so hard you'll finally be able to look straight! In front of the
Scorpion King's millions..
L.O.L.A.:. And millions!
Scorpion King: Hey! This isn't sing-a-long with the King! Shut your mouths!
Lara: That'll be enough of that!
Scorpion King: Lara Croft! World famous archeologist! You claim to have
studied in the best schools around the world. But everyone. AND THE SCORPION
KING MEANS EVERYONE. knows that the only school you went to was the kind
that brought you there in that short little yellow bus! With your helmet on
and the gold "winner" star on your notebook!
Lara starts crying.
Lara: Now I'm crying! I need a shower.
Lara runs off.
Scully: THIS is the wrath of the Scorpion King? He's just verbally berating
everybody! I thought he'd kill us! Aw, screw this. I have an idea! Hey
Scott! Scott! Over here, Scott!
Scott walks over to the cage. He now sounds like Chris Griffin from "Family
Guy".
Scott: Dahhhh. Snausages aren't just for dogs anymore.
Scully: That's nice. Hey! Wanna open this cage for us?
Scott: Dahhhh. Okay! Cages spelled backwards is segac!
Scott opens the cage, Mulder and Scully start sneaking away.
Mulder: Hey, Tattoo guy we can escape now.
Mulder looks around. Tattoo guy is gone.
Mulder: How does he do that?
Mulder and Scully meet up with Doggett and start sneaking out while The
Scorpion King berates L.O.L.A.
Scorpion King: Cheetah! Where are you from?
Cheetah: Paradise Island.
Scorpion King: Cheetah. do you like. champagne? With bubbles? Little
bubbles?
Cheetah: Yeah!
Scorpion: The why don't you just bubble your ass back to Paradise Island?
Cheetah runs off crying.
Captain Cold: Say the word Dr. Evil and I'll freeze his ass!
Scorpion King: Waitaminute! With Captain Cold talking about freezing my ass
and Prophelon with a giant cast on his wang, The Scorpion King wants to know
what the hell kind of outfit you're running here, Dr. Evil!
Mulder, Scully and Doggett are right by the exit.
Scully: Almost there. As long as no one draws attention to us. We should be
all right.
Lara runs back into the room.
Lara: (Yelling) No need to run, guys! I'm back and I'm going to take care of
the Scorpion King myself!
Everyone stares at Mulder, Scully and Doggett.
Scully: Shit.
Lara rushes the Scorpion King. He catches her and hits her with the Rock
Bottom.
Dr. Evil: ATTACK!
Bizarro attacks Mulder. Scarecrow attacks Doggett. Fiona attacks Scully.
Bizarro: Me am going to hurt u!
Mulder: Wait! Doesn't that mean you're going to NOT hurt me?
Bizarro: Yes?
Mulder: Wait. Doesn't that mean no?
Bizarro: Um. No?
Mulder: You mean yes?
Bizarro: Ahhhhh..
Mulder: Bizarro. What. is. love?
Bizarro's head explodes.
Mulder: Woohoo! I won! Hey! Dr. Evil!!!
Dr. Evil: What?
Mulder moons Dr. Evil.
Mulder: Fruit basket for Dr. Evil!
Doggett is fighting Scarecrow.
Scarecrow: Now you're going to face your darkest fears!!!
Doggett: You're kidding, right?
Scarecrow: Um, I guess.
Doggett: You forget, since I was in lame movies like Dusk til Dawn 2, Double
Dragon, The Cool Surface, Hong Kong 1999.
Scarecrow: . Nothing scares you. Got it.
Doggett punches Scarecrow out.
Doggett: Shibby!
Fiona is fighting Scully
Fiona: You thought you were going to escape! Shyeah, right!
Scully: I'm gonna drop you like a bad habit, you slut!
Fiona and Scully are about to throw down like Crouching Tiger. they then
start to girlfight. Slapping each others hands and messing each other's hair
up.
Scully: Hey. Have you gained weight?
Fiona: What? NOOOOOO! I'll be right back!
Fiona rushes to a bathroom, we hear a loud vomiting sound as Scully raises
her hands in victory.
Scully: I RULE!
Lara has gotten up and is fighting the Scorpion King. It's going back and
forth until the Scorpion King slams Lara on the ground and sets her up for
The Scorpion Elbow. He runs across the room, then to the other side. he then
drops the Scorpion Elbow. Unfortunately, his elbow bounces off her boobs and
The Scorpion King flies across the room down a flight of stairs.
Scorpion King: Owwwwww...
All of a sudden, Triple H runs up to the Scorpion King with a sledgehammer
in his hand.
Triple H: You know, I've been waiting a long time for a parody that allowed
me to do something like this! Die, Rocky DIE!
Triple H swings the sledgehammer like a golf club, taking the Scorpion
King's head off, sending it through the air and landing into the hands of
Mulder. We then go through that same basketball ad as before. This time it
has Mulder, Scully, Scott Evil, Fiona and Triple H.
DOCTOR EVIL: SHIT!
MULDER: Looks like your plans for world domination have been thwarted yet
again, Doctor Evil!
DOGGETT: Yep, now all that remains is to arrest you and take the Golden Pussy
to a...
Doggett goes to pick up the Golden Pussy but is stopped by Mulder.
MULDER: NO, you idiot! If you touch the Golden Pussy, you're going to die!
The pussy can only be touched by female hands!
DOGGETT: Thanks Mulder. You just saved my life.
MULDER: (pause) Fuck.
Scully walks over to Doctor Evil with a pair of handcuffs.
SCULLY: Lara, get the Golden Pussy, would you?
LARA: Right-oh, gov'nah!
Lara picks up the Golden Pussy and explodes in a million firey pieces. Scully,
Mulder, Doggett, Tattoo Guy, Doctor Evil, and the rest of Doctor Evil's gang
stand in shock. Silicone bags hit Mulder and Doggett in the face.
SCULLY: That... What the hell was THAT all about?
DOGGETT: I thought you said that female hands could touch the Golden Pussy!
MULDER: They can! But, if the Golden Pussy killed Lara...
SCULLY: That must mean that...
TATTOO GUY: Lara Croft was a... man?
MULDER: So THAT'S why she had hairy nipples!
The song, "The Crying Game" begins to play as Mulder, Scully, Doggett, Doctor Evil,
Tattoo Guy, Number Two, Scott Evil, and Fat Bastard begin heaving and trying to
clean their tounges off with their fingernails. Scully is laughing her ass off so
much that she doesn't notice Doctor Evil's gang escaping into a secret passage.
MULDER: They're getting away!
Mulder and the others run after them. DARTH BROOKS jumps down in front of them.
DARTH BROOKS: Not so fast, fellas! First I'm going to sing you my brand new
song, "My Daddy Touched Me In My No-No Place!"
EVERYONE: ARGH!!!
MULDER: We've got to stop him!
Scully sees Prophelon trying to sneak away. Scully slaps a sheep costume on him
and whistles over at Darth Brooks.
SCULLY: Yo, Darth Brooks! Look!
Darth Brooks sees Prophelon in the sheep costume.
DARTH BROOKS: Hello, sweetheart.
PROPHELON: Huh? AGH!
Prophelon runs into a dark hallway. Darth Brooks gives chase. Out of sight, we
hear Prophelon's fallcetto and blood-curdling screams. We also hear Darth Brooks
hoop and holler.
DARTH BROOKS: SQUEAL LIKE A PIG, BOY!!!
PROPHELON: AIEEEEEEE!!!
Suddenly, we see a giant rocket starting to lift off.
MULDER: They're getting away in that giant rocket that looks like
a huge...
Inside a disco...
MUSIC: WANG chung tonight! Everybody wang chung tonight!
DISCO GUY: HEY! LOOK UP IN THE SKY!
DISCO CHICK: It's a bird!
DISCO DUCK: It's a plane!
DISCO GUY: It's a giant...
Elsewhere...
HO'S: SHAFT!
SHAFT: You damn right.
HO: Oh my God, Shaft! Look up there!
SHAFT: What the fuck!? That looks like a big ol'...
Meanwhile, in Mexico...
MEXICAN #1: COCK! Cock fighting. Illegal in America! Place your bets now!
Feathers and frantic clucks fly everywhere.
MEXICAN #2: Aye carumba! Lea en el cielo!
MEXICAN #1: Aye de mi dios! It looks like a gigantic...
Meanwhile, on American Bandstand...
DICK CLARK: LOVE ROCKET! The newest smash hit climbing up the charts and...
DANCER: Oh my god! What is that!?
DICK CLARK: It's a giant...
Meanwhile, back in Doctor Evil's liar...
DOGGETT: Woody.
SCULLY: Doggett, but that fucking Toy Story doll down!
MULDER: Looks like Doctor Evil got away.
DOGGETT: The case is over.
SCULLY: L.O.L.A. and the Scorpion King has been dealt with.
MULDER: The Golden Pussy is in our possession.
TATTOO GUY: ...and I'm not dead!
WHAM! The first stage booster rocket falls from the sky and lands on Tattoo
Guy killing him.
DOGGETT: DUDE!
MULDER: SWEET!
A phone rings. Scully goes over to answer it.
SCULLY: Hello?
HANNIBAL: (over phone) Hello, Dana.
SCULLY: Doctor Lecter? Where are you?
HANNIBAL: Tut tut, Dana... I'm afriad I can't tell you and I must ask
that you not come after me. Oh, don't worry, Agent Scully, I
won't come calling on you. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm having
an old friend for dinner... Good-bye.
Hannibal hangs up.
SCULLY: Doctor Lecter? Doctor Lecter!
Meanwhile, in the kitchen somewhere, Doctor Lecter has Fiona in a giant pressure
cooker slicing carrots and potatoes.
FIONA: Like, This is really going to give me supple skin? How long do I have to
stay in this thing?
HANNIBAL: About five minutes a pound.
Hannibal shuts the lid and fires up the stove.
------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming this Summer, it the story of mad love and pastry in Oliver Stone's
NATURAL BORN CRUELERS!
All right, it's a weak joke, but it's late in the parody and I'm running low
on ideas, so get off my nuts!
------------
Meanwhile, back at FBI headquarters...
SKINNER: I'm pleasantly surprised.
MULDER: That we beat Doctor Evil?
SKINNER: No, that Doggett didn't die. We had an office pool going and the popular
vote was that he wasn't going to last ten minutes. By the way, that reminds
me. We got a package from Doctor Evil today.
Skinner takes out a VHS tape and puts in the VCR. Doctor Evil's picture comes on the
screen.
DOCTOR EVIL: Hello, agents!
MULDER: DOCTOR EVIL! YOU BASTARD, WHERE ARE YOU!?
SCULLY: He can't answer you Mulder. This is like the time you tried to talk to
Denise Richards during 'Valentine'.
MULDER: You gotta admit, Scully... she was into me.
DOCTOR EVIL: You may think you have defeated L.O.L.A. this time.
DOGGETT: And we'd be right.
DOCTOR EVIL: And you'd be right.
DOGGETT: HA!
DOCTOR EVIL: You may have won the battle, but you have not won the war! There will
be more lame movies from Hollywood with more lame villians and, like the pheonix
rising from the ashes, L.O.L.A. will be back! BACK! BACK! MUH HA HA HA HA HA!
Doctor Evil stops laughing and looks at the camera.
DOCTOR EVIL: SCOTT! Turn off the camera!
SCOTT EVIL: (off camera) Well, how was I supposed to know you were done, you
stupid son of a...
Picture goes to static.
SKINNER: He's right, you know. There will be more lame villians from Hollywood in
the months and years ahead and it's only a matter of the next superhero movie
or big-budget science fiction hollywood blockbuster or the next Bruckheimer/
Bay collaboration until L.O.L.A. is back up to full force.
SCULLY: Don't worry, sir.
MULDER: Whenever L.O.L.A. resurfaces...
DOGGETT: We'll be there.
Scully, Mulder, and Doggett look at each other and give each other high-fives.
SCULLY, MULDER, & DOGGETT: Sequel!
Meanwhile, in Doctor Evil's lair, Scott Evil is checking out Coming Attractions and
Dark Horizons for upcoming movie information.
SCOTT EVIL: They're actually making Mortal Kombat 3! That's at least twenty
shitty upcoming movies in the next year alone!
DOCTOR EVIL: Excellent! Soon, L.O.L.A. will take over the world!
Doctor Evil begins to laugh as the picture fades to black and the credits roll.
THE
END