10,000 BC



Runtime: 1 hr 49 mins

Theatrical Release: 2008

Genre: Action/Adventure

Starring: Steven Strait, Camilla Belle, Cliff Curtis, Omar Sharif, Tim Barlow

Director: Roland Emmerich
Screenwriter: Roland Emmerich, Harald Kloser

Producer: Michael Wimer, Roland Emmerich, Mark Gordon

Composer: Harald Kloser, Thomas Wander

I watched this movie several weeks ago and, honestly, I was content just to skip it and not even bother with a review.  Seriously, what could be said about this movie that hasn't been said by more eloquent and more salaried critics than I?  How much more could I communicate what a festering pile of mammoth shit this movie actually is?

As it turns out, from all the requests I've had over the last month to review movies, this is the number one pick.  Why do you people hate me so much?  Still, I cannot disappoint my fans (all seven of you) and so, here goes... Donner's official review of 10,000 BC.  Lock up your pets, bring your children to the computer, and put on your tin foil hats, children, this is going to be messy.

10,000 BC stars Steven Strait.  You remember him, don't you?  He played the cunty little man-witch in last year's The Covenant which will no doubt be on my worst movies of 2007 list when I finally compile it. Strait plays D'Leh a dreadlocked prehistoric hunter who's loincloth burns for gatherer, Evolet who, despite being a cavewoman, always looks like she came off the Este Lauder truck.  The only thing is, to claim Evolet and make some dirty Ice Age sex with her, he has to win the Great Hunt (or something).

D'Leh (wow, that name is annoying) wins the hunt through what can only be described as Keystone Cops action and not only wins Evolet, but becomes the head hunter... but then he gives it up because he doesn't think he deserves it.  The melodrama is about as compelling as an episode of Guiding Light.

Meanwhile, Evolet gets kidnapped by a marauding tribe who take her and the rest of D'Leh's tribe far away so D'Leh takes off after them in an effort to regain his dignity and get the girl.  He also takes other hunters with him who get killed and/or captured thanks to D'Leh's incompetence.

Oh, and mammoths built the pyramids 6000 years before they were actually built.

There's no two ways about it, children, 10,000 BC is bad.  Really bad.  I mean, this is probably the worst big budget blockbuster since Batman and Robin.  It's as if someone got really drunk one day, thought it would be cool if there was a movie about cavemen, and then proceeded to write it with no research at all.

Seriously, children, I can suspend disbelief for almost anything, but when a movie insists that I suspend intelligence, that's where I bail.

There's so much about 10,000 BC that is so awful that it defies conventional explanation.  From the awful names like Old Mother and Tik Tik (yes, Tik Tik) to horrendous CGI, laughable dialogue, and the general stupidity that have come to expect from Roland Emmerich.  After all, this is the same cockmaster who delivered Godzilla to us all.  Thanks, Roland.

You can't even enjoy this movie on a "so bad it's good" level because it's colorless, bland, and boring.  The actors are boring, the scenery is boring, and the action is boring.  I can only assume that this movie was made after someone lost a bet.  I mean, seriously... it's laughable that it's so bad.

10,000 BC is an atrocity that should be tried at the Hague.  If you enjoyed this movie, I will be by shortly to take away your ability to reproduce.