Rated R for bloody
violence and gore, nudity, language and drug content
Directed by Don
Produced by Don
Coscarelli, Brad Baruh, Andy Meyers
Roman Perez, Aaron Godfred, and
Written by Don
Based on John Dies at the End by David Wong
January 23, 2012 (Sundance Film Festival)
January 25, 2013
Country United States
I won't lie, children, John Dies at the End is, without a
doubt my favorite book since my all time favorite, Fahrenheit 451.
I'll let you sit there for a moment in quiet amazement that I actually
So, when I say that this review will be somewhat biased, it is an
understatement. This review will be biased as fuck. This
will probably be the most biased review you will read until Hollywood
gets off its fat collagen injected ass and cranks out a decent
Fahrenheit 451 adaptation.
Don't you dare mention that cheap ass goddamn British version of
F451. Don't you dare!
For those of you crying silently and praying that I finally get to the
point, John Dies at the End is a movie about
these two guys, Dave and John, who stumble upon a drug called soy
sauce that is kind of alive and kind of mean and, when it basically
forces them to take it, they have their minds open to the hidden
legions of darkness around them.
With the book, there was more.... so much more. With the movie,
that's just about it.
Without a doubt, this has been the biggest disappointment in my life
since I learned my dad just ran off with a waitress and wasn't really a
secret agent on assignment at the Kremlin. If you have ever read
the book, you would know that it's a multi-layered look at insanity,
the fear of insanity, and the fear of self. With the movie...
it's just about two guy taking on a badly CGI'ed monster named Korok.
This movie should be thanking its lucky stars that Mortal Kombat
Annihilation exists because otherwise, it would be a sho-win for
worst CGI in the history of anything. This is the level of
cheapness you find in a Saturday movie on SyFy... you know, Sand
Sharks, or Flying Spiders, or Testicle Worms from
the Core of the Earth. That level high quality
entertainment from people who just don't give a shit.
Very little in the movie works. The characters of Dave and John
have very little chemistry together, the supposedly humorous aspects of
the movie are played down because, after all, who would expect humor
for a movie called John Dies at the End? That shit
should be taken seriously!
On the plus side, though, Paul Giamatti was a welcome relief from the
amateur fuckoff sideshow that entailed most of this movie and his
facial hair was quite pleasant. Of course, this is also the guy
who prevented Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes from becoming a
towering pile hamster vomit and we all know, that was no small task.
This man could have appeared in a Youtube video where two teenagers
beat a stray dog to death with a skateboard and people would say,
"Wow, that was horrible... but Paul Giamatti was great in it!"
oh man, if the point of the book was in Cleveland, the movie has landed
somewhere on Mars. Yeah, I know that I'm reviewing the movie and
not the book, but this movie is so bereft of any meaning and any point
that you have to look at the book to see just how pathetically Don
Coscarelli misunderstood the source material. He's got fan
service, but doesn't bother to put in the payoff. The best parts
of the book are missing and the logical climax of the story doesn't
even happen... it's replaced with a climax that is silly even for a
movie about a living drug and meat monsters.
Hopefully one day, the rights to this movie will be purchased by
someone who is competent and will finally do it justice. Dave
and John will be able to go to Las Vegas, fight a dog blimp, forget
they have a friend named Todd, and find a strange foreboding tattoo on
their toe. It happened with Red Dragon... why not this
If you're a fan of the book, John Dies at the End will leave
you disappointed and bewildered. If you've never heard of the
book, you will be left bewildered, but not as disappointed as a fan of
the book. Basically, John Dies at the End is a victim
of the Hollywood Derp Machine where the material was too subtle and
too clever for the person writing and directing it.
Might it be a good movie to the uninitiated? Perhaps... Perhaps
it will entertain the masses for a little while, but I can't imagine
anyone looking at a film where some of the special effects look like
N64 video game graphics and where so much of the movie happens without
a payoff and thinking to themselves, "Hey, I'm glad I watched that!"
I feel like this movie raped my dog and made me watch.