Rated R for bloody
violence and gore, nudity, language and drug content
Written by Tommy Wirkola
Music by Atli ÷rvarsson
Editing by Jim Page
Siebzehnte Babelsberg Film
Distributed by Paramount
Running time 88 minutes
Why does this movie exist? What horrible person decided to take a
story about two kids and a candy house and turn it into an
ultra-violent action movie dismembered body parts flying everywhere in
two hours of badly staged bloody mayhem? Iím not sure who this person
was... I canít prove it was Satan, but you canít prove it wasnít,
Hansel and Gretel, having survived their encounter with a witch and a
house made of sugar, have grown up and have gone into the business of
witch hunting (which should have really been incredibly obvious given
that itís the title). Together, they are called to a town that is
being plagued by child-snatching witches and stumble upon a case that
unexpectedly sheds light on their own past.
Sweet Zues, this
movie is bad. I wouldnít say itís bottom of the barrel fare, but it is
so cluelessly stupid that the stupid has overpowered its inherent
badness and has made it into an almost indestructible ball of
silliness. A veritable blitzkrieg of hopeless badness.
interesting thing about Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is
that, even though itís a mess, it is good for a few genuine chuckles.
Seeing etches of missing kids on milk jars for example Ė thatís
actually clever. Cleverness resurfaces a few other times in the movie
as well, but for the life of me, I canít remember a single darn
instance of it because the rest of the movie is just bad.
bad is it? Imagine the Crazy 88 fight from Kill Bill, take
away all of the fun, and then play it five more times over and over
again. Yeah, thatís about it. Hansel and Gretel scowl and frown
because that is the most convenient way to show how tough they are.
Hansel suffers from the strangest and most medically inaccurate case
of diabetes Iíve ever seen (and no, Iím really not making that up) and
it doesnít take long for tough as nails Gretel to be reduced to a
damsel in distress.
Worst still, the movie is stupid. Like I
said, itís unintentional stupidity is almost the movieís saving grace,
but itís still just... stupid.
stupid, has has none of the humor that the stupidity seems to beg for.
If the lack of humor isnít bad enough, the action is boring and
tedious with an overload of gore that eventually gives the movie the
same impact as watching bugs hit a windshield.
If I only had 88
minutes to live, I would request to watch this movie because it would
stretch those 88 minutes into an eternity.
Jeremy Renner and
Gemma Artertonís expressions never seem to climb above the crushing
boredom that both seem to be experiencing and the future ex Mrs.
Donner, Famke Janssen, who by all rights should be having the best
time playing an over the top witch seems like she knows the entire
project is shit and appears depressed by this knowledge.
just not good, kids. Handsel and Gretel: Witch Hunters is a
dull and repetitive mess with splattering witches and dismal filler
moments where bad characters are laughably developed. If I had to
compare sitting though this movie to anything, I would say itís better
than burning to death, but not as fun as drowning.