Critical Condition
separator
As Above/So Below (2014)

The ending is a bit of a mind-fudge, but by the time you get there, you'll just be slapping your head in frustration at yet another mound of shit being spoon-fed to you.
Read More
As Above/So Below
separator
The Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014)

They should just be honest with the movie going public and stop calling these movies Spider-Man and just call them what they are: Peter Parker’s Shitty Repetitive Love Life Featuring Spider-Man and, yes, in case you’re wondering that is exactly as interesting as it sounds.
Read More
Spider-Man upside down on the side of the OsCorp tower.
separator
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)

Usually, a movie will focus too much on Peter Parker or Hal Jordan and their obnoxious bullshit and not enough on being super. A few movies get it right, but not many. Captain America: The Winter Soldier gets it right and gets it right in the rightest way possible.
Read More
Captain America: The Winter Soldier
separator
Oculus (2014)

While it does have some problems, Oculus is a lean and mean ghost story. Nothing is really over explained, nothing insults our intelligence, and the scares that Oculus manages to create are effective.
Read More
Oculus
separator
Rio 2 (2014)

Rio 2 is about as necessary as an extra dick and only half as fun. This is a bloated preachy story akin to Ferngully, only even more irritating if you can believe that.
Read More
separator
Kick-Ass 2 (2013)

Kick-Ass 2 goes dark and I would almost say a little too dark for a comedy.  If the laughs aren't there, even at black humor, the movie appears cruel and this movie gets really goddamn cruel.
Read More
Four masked faces, against a black background, yellow diagonal lines dividing them. An older man with rough stubble on his chin, in a blue mask; a girl with purple hair wearing a purple mask; a man in a green and yellow mask; a man in a black mask.
separator
Man of Steel (2013)

I guess, if you want to look at my beef with Man of Steel from a more symbolic viewpoint, it's echoed in the changes to Superman's uniform... it's cold, less colorful, and less of a beacon. It doesn't look like it was made with love by hand, it looks like it was pressed into existence by an unfeeling machine. Does it look nice? Of course it does... all polished and sculpted, but there is no comfort, no warmth, and no humanity.
Read More
Superman, bearing his traditional red and blue costume, is shown flying towards the viewer, with the city Metropolis below. The film's title, production credits, rating and release date is written underneath.
separator
This is the End (2013)

Surprisingly, one of the strongest movies of the year is about a bunch of self-obsessed actors getting high during the end times.  I'm as surprised about that as you are.
Read More
This-is-the-End-Film-Poster.jpg
separator
The Purge (2013)

Jaden Smith is so awful in this role that the human language has yet to come up with a word to adequately express his badness. To do so would be like trying to explain what the color red looks like to a blind person.
Read More
The Purge poster.jpg
separator
After Earth (2013)

Jaden Smith is so awful in this role that the human language has yet to come up with a word to adequately express his badness. To do so would be like trying to explain what the color red looks like to a blind person.
Read More
After Earth Poster.jpg
separator
Epic (2013)

The rehashes and clichés roil and boil into two of the most forgettable hours I can't remember spending.
Read More
Epic (2013 film) poster.jpg
separator
Iron Man 3 (2013)

Jesus Christ on a cracker, you've got a fucking flying suit of armor!  Stop acting like it's the worst thing that's ever happened to you!
Read More
Iron Man 3 theatrical poster.jpg
separator
Oblivion (2013)

I’m just so tired of movie makers creating amazing worlds and filling them with nothing. The look should come from the tale and not vice-versa. Even though I loved the look of this movie, I would gladly sacrifice it for paper mache masks and cardboard sets if it meant we could get an innovative story.
Read More
A man, wearing a white jacket with a gun on his back, walks through a destroyed bridge. The tagline "Earth is a memory worth fighting for" appears on the top while Tom Cruise's name, the title of the film, the rating and the rest of the credits appears on the bottom.
separator
Star Trek Into Darkness (2013)

I would even venture to say that Into Darkness may not be the best Star Trek movie, but it is probably the most fun Star Trek movie to date and that it really saying a lot.
Read More
The poster shows a flaming starship falling towards Earth, with smoke coming out. At the middle of the poster shows the title "Star Trek Into Darkness" in dark grey letters, while the production credits and the release date being at the bottom of the poster.
separator
Evil Dead (2013)

Sure, I would have liked to have seen a bit more humor in its frenzied malevolence and the final boss battle is incredibly disappointing after such an impressive build up, but this is a good old fashioned splatterfest that grants no mercy to its characters or to the audience.
Read More

 

EvilDead2013Poster.jpg
separator
G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2013)
2.5 Stars
Retaliation is a step up from The Rise of Cobra, but then again I imagine that assorted types of foot fungus are also a step up from The Rise of Cobra.
Read More

 

G.I. Joe Retaliation.jpg
separator
The Croods (2013)

The Croods is incredibly fun. It’s not as evolved (HA!) as some other animated fare as of late, but you can tell that its heart and mind is in the right place.
Read More

 

The Croods
separator
Oz: The Great and Powerful (2013)
2.5 Stars
Ten years from now, I think kids will still be watching the original, barely aware this one even exists, but as an extension of the tale, it could have been much worse.
Read More

 

Oz the Great and Powerful
separator
Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (2013)
2.5 Stars
If I had to compare sitting though this movie to anything, I would say it’s better than burning to death, but not as fun as drowning.
Read More

 

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
separator
Mama (2013)
2.5 Stars
It may be flawed, but its still effective as a good old fashioned monster movie. Not a ghost story, but a monster movie. Still, it’s a damn good monster movie.
Read More

 

Mama
separator
The Conjuring (2013)
2.5 Stars
The Conjuring is horror done right with actual horror, no cheap jump cuts, gore, or CGI.  Just good old-fashioned scary stuff and a story you can get emotionally vested in.  It's the best horror movie I've seen all year and, quite likely, the best I've seen in several years.
Read More

 

The Conjuring
separator
The Smurfs 2 (2013)
2.5 Stars
As it is, this is a thing that just exists. It leaves no emotional impact at all. It's not a movie... it's an object.
Read More

 

separator
Warm Bodies (2013)
2.5 Stars
Warm Bodies is unexpectedly great, unexpectedly deep, and unexpectedly human.  It's the kind of thing you usually don't get from a zombie movies, but if there's anything I did learn from this particular film, it's that it's more entertaining to get the unexpected.
Read More

 

Warm Bodies
separator
2012: What I Missed
As the year draws to a close, check out over twenty capsule reviews of 2012 movies that we missed while the site was away!  Everything from The Avengers, The Amazing Spider-Man and The Dark Knight Rises to Underworld: Awakening, Wreck-It Ralph, Skyfall and more!
Read More

 

Marvel's The Avengers
separator
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey (2012)
Seven Stars
The movie's drawn out and plodding nature coupled with its dull starting execution is definitely a strike against it, but if you can hang on long enough, the movie will take you on your own unexpected journey and you'll love every moment of it... at least every moment after the trolls show up.
Read More

 

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Poster
separator

John Dies at the End (2012)
http://critical-condition.com/img/2.5_stars.png
If you're a fan of the book, John Dies at the End will leave you disappointed and bewildered.  If you've never heard of the book, you will be left bewildered, but not as disappointed as a fan of the book.  Basically, John Dies at the End is a victim of the Hollywood Derp Machine where the material was too subtle and too clever for the person writing and directing it.
Read More

John Dies at the End Poster
separator