Marvel’s Inhumans: “Divide and Conquer”

The good news about episode 3 of Marvel’s Inhumans is that it’s better than the premiere episodes.   The bad news is, its still pretty awful, but it’s a lesser degree of awful.   This is stepping on a nail vs. stepping on a Lego or getting kicked in the balls vs. getting bitten in the balls.  Both options bad…. but one less so.

This week, the royal family is on Earth and Black Bolt is a guest of the Hawaiian prison system that, to be honest, is a lot nicer than I thought it would be.   The prisoners are friendly, they got each other’s back… there’s way less rape than Oz led me to believe… however, mysterious government machinations are on the move and Double B has to book it before he is disappeared along with the Earth-bound inhumans that have going missing.   Hey, are the Agents of Shield not doing their job or something?   They should have never sent Coulson into space.

Meanwhile, Medusa learns that life on Earth is hard… harder if you’re too stupid to read the directions that are clearly printed on the front of ATM machines.   Breaking into homes so that she can finally ditch the Party City Halloween costume she’s been wearing since the first episode, she realizes how much she misses her horrible wig before going off to find her hubby.   Yep… that’s what Medusa did… she got new clothes, cried about a haircut, and yelled an at ATM.

Meanwhile, Karnak, which I think was the name of a character on The Johnny Carson Show would could see the future, accidentally ends up on an evil marijuana farm where the evil marijuana farmers wonder if they should kill him while the ponder how to get back to the 1990’s drug comedy they escaped from.   Karnak is feeling sorry for himself because his powers are malfunctioning because he hit his head… so yeah, it’s one of those plots.

Meanwhile, Gorgon and his new besties, his army of disposables, face off against the army from Atlan including the masked and sarcastic Mortis, a guy who is totally not Cyclops from The X-Men.   I enjoyed this storyline because action was happening, powers were being used, and shit was blowing up so, of course, this storyline disappeared immediately from the episode because I can’t have nice things.

Finally, Meanwhile, Maximus and Crystal are having a dick-waving contest on the moon about Max’ taking over the throne.  For some reason, Max needs Crystal’s support even though he clearly has the support of the people.  Yeah, it’s about as interesting as it sounds.

I’m still not sure if Max is the bad guy or not.   Clearly, he’s competent, doesn’t believe in discriminatory systems of government, and is totally for abolishing what is clearly slavery.   He also won’t kill everyone in the room if he gets the hiccups, so why are we rooting against this guy?

With so many things happening at once, “Divide and Conquer” is a mess that sprints wildly through multiple story threads giving next to no time for characters to develop or motivations to become clear.   Even the out of place and unnecessary flashbacks — because, you know, every show nowadays need character flashbacks — were quick and dirty, leaving the audience to wonder what the hell it was even about.

While better than the initial episodes, “Divide and Conquer” still has a plethora of problems.   The dialogue is atrocious, that hasn’t changed, and the plot relies too heavily on stuff happening to characters and not the other way around… Black Bolt, Gorgon, Medusa, Karnak… at this point, their superpower could best be described as crazy stupid luck.

Also, a little off topic, but… when did prison guards become immune to tear gas?   I know it’s a nitpick, but seriously, did you notice that the prisoners were gagging and choking as the guards were just strolling through and dispensing justice happy as you can be and mask free?  Does this show just not give a fuck about anything?

It’s slightly better, but slightly better than awful is still pretty bad.  It’s rare to see this level of incompetence in a high-profile television show.

Also, fuck you, Inhumans, for doing what you did to Lockjaw at the end of this episode.   He’s the one character I like.

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Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.