THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.24: "Showdown"
Written by Jesse Glaspey
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS.
It's raining. Drew Fangtastic is walks up to the building.
The camera follows him as he walks in and heads up the
stairwell to Liam's floor. He walks up to Liam's apartment
and knocks on the door.
VOICE
Who is it?
DREW
(Annoyed)
I'm pale and I tend to catch fire
when I walk in the daylight. Who
else could I be?
VOICE
Calista Flockhart? Say the
password!
DREW
Thad, if you don't open the door.
I'm going to drag your sorry
carcass to the vet and make sure
you never bother the other puppies
again, got it? I'm soaking wet and
I'm missing "Passions"!
Thad opens the door.
THAD
That's a long password.
Drew rolls his eyes and walks past Thad into Liam's place.
Drew sees Jesse, Jonathan and Bippo are there as well.
DREW
So where's Liam? He called me and
asked me to come here.
THAD
He's in the bathroom. He'll be out
in a bit.
Drew looks at Jesse and Jonathan.
DREW
I don't recognize you two? You know
Liam?
BIPPO
This is Jesse and Jonathan. They're
Upda Creek's resident superheroes.
DREW
Oh. Are you the two lads that are
holed up in the basement?
JESSE
That's us. Are you that guy that
keeps leaving notes on our door
requesting to use the furnace?
DREW
Basically, yes.
THAD
Drew's that vampire I told you guys
about.
JONATHAN
So Drew, you're really a eunuch?
Drew glares at Thad.
DREW
I am NOT a eunuch!
JESSE
So Thad probably never kicked your
ass either, right?
Drew is about to attack Thad when Liam walks in.
LIAM
Drew! Thanks for coming. Has
everyone gotten acquainted?
JESSE
More or less.
BIPPO
Man, you guys took that whole "Drew
is a vampire" thing pretty much in
stride, huh?
JONATHAN
He's not the first vampire we've
ever met.
JESSE
Yeah, there was this guy in LA. He
had this REALLY hot secretary…
DREW
Hello? Am I going to find out why I
was called here?
LIAM
Simple, I want your help. I'm going
to go after the Tribunal of Evil.
They've been gunning for me for
what seems like years now and I've
had it. I can't do this alone but
hopefully, with your help. We'll
take them out… or die trying!
The group's eyes widen. Jesse raises his hand.
JESSE
Can we back up to the "die trying"
part? I got questions about that.
MUSICAL STING
FADE OUT
--------- ---------------- ------------------- --------------
Theme Song (Set to Alien Ant Farm's cover of "Smooth
Criminal")
Liam lives and works in Vegas
His villains intimidate us
Bippo's crazy. His morals: kinda blurry
Thad's a werewolf. He gets angry, he turns furry
Stacy is Liam's sister
Didn't know that when he kissed her
Jesse is a Superhero
His alter-ego: Cosmic Weasel
Liam, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Liam
Liam, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Liam
Liam, are you OK
You OK
Are you OK, Liam
You are watching,
You are viewing
The Liam Smith Show
OLE!
----------- ------------------ ------------------ ------- ----
The Liam Smith Show
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
Liam Smith/ The Anti-Liam
CO-STARRING
Seann William Scott
as
Thad Coffey
Jason Lee
as
Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel
Jack Black
as
Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham
Robert Floyd
as
Bippo the Clown
David Hopper
as
Drew Fangtastic
EVEN MORE STARRING
Marina Sirtis
as
Senestra Malevolous
Billy Blanks
as
"Rock"
Dolph Lundgren
as
"Tank"
GUEST STARRING
The Kids In The Hall
as
The Tribunal Of Evil
Matt Damon
as
The Alpha Nerd
Ben Affleck
as
The Beta Nerd
David Hasselhoff
as
Captain Hawaii
Verne Troyer
as
Wally Pimento
Britney Spears
as
herself
Justin Timberlake
as
himself
AND INTRODUCING
Andy Dick
As
Mysterious Figure
INT. A DARK & SINISTER LAIR
The Tribunal of Evil are discussing their future
TRIBUNAL 1
You are all fools! We cannot cower
and cringe like fetid orphans
begging for scraps!
TRIBUNAL 2
You know, a simple "no" would have
sufficed!
TRIBUNAL 3
(Lighting a cigarette)
Liam Smith has discovered our
existence! With all the powerful
entities at his disposal, he could
easily smote us! I don't want to be
smoten!
TRIBUNAL 4
Oh, come on! We're pretty powerful
too! Last time I checked, we
weren't called the "Tribunal of
Evil" just because we got these
cool robes!
TRIBUNAL 5
He's right! They know we exist, but
they know nothing else. They delve
into a world they know nothing
about.
All of a sudden, a door to their chamber flies open and
Mysterious Figure floats in.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
And what IF they find out who and
where you are? Are the five of you
prepared to do hand to hand battle
with a vampire? A werewolf?
Superheroes? A time traveller? Or
god help you, a drag queen?
TRIBUNAL 1
Who are you?
TRIBUNAL 2
How did you find us?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
I… am Mysterious Figure!
TRIBUNAL 3
Wait… your NAME really is
Mysterious Figure?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Yes.
TRIBUNAL 4
I thought that was just a clever
way to hide your identity from the
viewers!
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Nope. It's my name. Check the
script.
The Tribunal members pull out their copies of the script.
TRIBUNAL 5
Well, I'll be damned. Hey! Wait!
How did you find us???
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
A couple of your ex-employees told
me. The same ex-employees that now
work for me! In my INJUSTICE SQUAD!
The rest of the Injustice Squad enter. It's Captain Hawaii,
The Alpha and Beta Nerd, Wally Pimento, Robo-Britney (with
Justin Timberlackey). The Anti-Liam comes in last, staying
out of sight, save for lighting a cigarette.
TRIBUNAL 1
Ah, Wally Pimento and the Omega
Nerds. Good to see that unlike all
the other emissaries we've sent
after Liam Smith, you're still
alive.
ALPHA NERD
Alive and still kicking! Just like
Buffy!
The nerds laugh and snort.
TRIBUNAL 2
And what is your Injustice Squad's
business with us?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Simple. We're here to protect you…
for a price. Liam Smith wants to
end this feud. And with his luck,
him and his cohorts will no doubt
stumble their way into discovering
your whereabouts. We will insure
that the second they find you,
we'll be there waiting for them.
TRIBUNAL 3
Bounty Hunters? We don't need their
type of scum here!
The Alpha and Beta Nerd start laughing again.
TRIBUNAL 4
What? What're they laughing at?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Ignore them. Are our services
required or shall we leave you to
try to come up with some other
means of defense?
The Tribunal huddle and whisper for a couple minutes. They
come back up.
TRIBUNAL 5
We will purchase your services.
You'll get half now and the other
half upon elimination of the
threat. And an extra bonus if you
can deliver us Liam Smith for our
sacrifice.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Oh, you'll be very pleased with the
results. VERY pleased,
The group leaves the room.
INT. LIAM'S PLACE.
Liam is pacing in front of a chalkboard with notes about what
they know about the Tribunal of Evil.
LIAM
Okay. Let's review. One: They're a
tribunal. Two: They're evil. Three:
They want to sacrifice me. Four
they have the funds to hire anyone.
Anything else?
JONATHAN
How about five: They hire
incompetents?
JESSE
Or six: We've beaten their
emissaries through dumb luck?
DREW
Can we stop with all the vague
generalizations? Why did you pick
us to go after them?
LIAM
Well, simply put… I chose you,
Thad, Jesse and Jonathan because
they're superhuman. They provide
muscle, power and intelligence.
Everyone looks at Thad, who's picking his nose.
DREW
So why is Bippo here?
Bippo pulls out his chainsaw.
BIPPO
I'm the weapons expert! Like one of
Charlie's Angels!
Drew pauses.
DREW
Of course you are. Why don't we
just interrogate people who would
know about this Tribunal?
JESSE
Like who?
DREW
Well, how about super-villains,
informants, and other criminally
based people?
LIAM
That's going to be tough. Most of
the people who have been hired by
the Tribunal and came after us are
dead.
JONATHAN
How about the Alpha and Beta Nerds?
They're alive.
LIAM
But their whereabouts are unknown.
Something broke them out of prison
after our incident in LA. It might
be connected to the Tribunal, but
it's still sketchy.
JESSE
What about that little midget that
took Upda Creek hostage? He's
alive, isn't he?
LIAM
Wally Pimento? You shoved him down
a toilet, remember? I heard he
might be alive, but in hiding.
JESSE
Yeah. I just wanted to hear someone
say it. Heh heh!
DREW
Okay, so we don't have any direct
connections.
What about other underworld
figures? They may have information
that the Tribunal's flunkies don't
have or would even give us.
LIAM
Good idea, but where are we going
to find a super-villain?
Everyone pauses and looks at Liam.
BIPPO
Um… Liam? Our boss?
LIAM
Oh, don't worry about work, Bippo.
We have the day off! Remember?
Senestra yelled at us for playing
Highlander with the pool cues!
A pause.
LIAM
(Getting it)
Ooh! Senestra! She's a
supervillain!
DREW
Are you sure you want to head up
this investigation?
LIAM
Okay, we go talk to Senestra. But
what if the Tribunal comes after
us? Once word gets out we're
hunting them, they're going to be
on us like whoopie-juice on a
presidential intern's dress!
JONATHAN
Okay, ignoring that visual… we may
be able to hook you up with some
stuff to help you in case the poo
hits the fan. Come with us!
INT. JESSE AND JONATHAN'S PLACE
Jesse and Jonathan walk in to their place with Drew, Thad,
Bippo and Liam following behind. Jesse walks up to a bowling
trophy (honorable mention) and moves it sideways. The entire
apartment switches and swivels to reveal several high tech
gadgets and computers.
LIAM
Nice gear! You used the rest of
your millions on this stuff?
JONATHAN
Actually, no. We won this stuff in
a poker game.
JESSE
And check this out! The fridge
turns into a teleporter!
Jesse hits a button. The fridge hums and twists around into a
teleporter tube.
BIPPO
Where does the food go?
There's a pause. Jesse and Jonathan look at each other.
JESSE & JONATHAN
Uh-oh.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS
Gary the Fanboy is walking up to the building.
GARY
(holding a comic in front
of himself)
Wow! I can't believe I got a hold
of Green Arrow number one
autographed by Kevin Smith and Phil
Hester! Yessssss!
A bottle of Grape Jelly materializes above Gary and plummets
down and spills all over the comic.
GARY
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
A watermelon then materializes above him and smashes over
Gary's head, knocking him out.
INT. JESSE & JONATHAN'S PLACE.
Jonathan pulls out a belt and a cell phone and hands them to
Liam.
JONATHAN
Okay, here's some inventions I've
been working on for our crime
fighting.
This belt right here is a utility
belt. I was going to give it to
Jesse considering his powers are
pretty useless…
JESSE
HEY!
JONATHAN
But, instead… I'll give it to you.
Jonathan hands the utility belt to Liam.
JONATHAN
Now, the cell phone doubles as a
tazer. Hit the green button, talk
all you want. Hit the red button
and make sure the antenna isn't
pointed towards you. Otherwise…
ZAPPO!
LIAM
"Zappo"?
JONATHAN
Exactly.
DREW
What's the point of that? What are
you going to dupe some rogues into
thinking you want to make a phone
call then you electrocute them?
JESSE
Hey! Are you going to punch holes
in all our logic?
DREW
Well, there has to be logic there
for me to punch a hole in first,
now doesn't there?
JESSE
Ooh! That's it! It's on, pasty
face!
Jesse and Drew lunge forward to attack each other while Thad
and Jonathan hold them back.
LIAM
HEY! Knock it off! We have a job to
do! We have to get to Circus
Circus! Jesse, fire up the Weasel
Wagon!
Jesse pauses and shifts uncomfortably.
JESSE
Problem. The Weasel Wagon kinda…
got wrecked!
LIAM
What?
JESSE
We found out the hard way that
planes don't have a reverse gear…
JONATHAN
… And you have to refuel them after
large trips.
LIAM
Wonderful! Now we need to find a
way to Circus Circus! Maybe I can
call Donner to send us a limo.
BIPPO
You'd have an easier time teaching
pigs to fly.
DREW
We're not taking the bus! Public
transportation scares me. And the
weirdos you meet… Ick.
JONATHAN
Hey, hey, HEY! We DO have
transportation. We got a car! We
won it in a poker game also!
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS.
Liam. Jesse and the rest of the group stare in awe at their
car. It's KITT from Knight Rider.
THAD
Jesse? Jonathan? If you two are as
good at poker as you say you are?
Never come to Circus Circus while
we're on shift!
The group piles in the car.
DREW
Is this car going to get us
anywhere? It looks kind of old!
KITT
My bio-scan shows that you're no
spring chicken yourself, buddy.
DREW
AGH! It talks!
KITT
He's a bright one, isn't he?
JESSE
Oh, you're gonna fit in well with
this group, KITT.
THAD
(Points to a button on the
dashboard)
Cool! What's that?
JONATHAN
The turbo boost
THAD
And that?
JONATHAN
The monitor screen.
THAD
And what's that?
JONATHAN
The cup holder.
THAD
SWEET! We gotta get some drinks to
use those!
DREW
Can we leave now? This is like a
spy mission gone wrong.
LIAM
Which explains why Bippo is talking
into a pen.
BIPPO
(To pen)
They suspect nothing, Cobra
Commander! Our mission shall be
carried out! COBRAAAAAAA!!!
JESSE
Could you stop that? It's
embarrassing!
DREW
Yeah, really!
JESSE
If you're gonna be a spy, talk into
your shoe, like me!
Jesse lifts up his shoe.
JESSE
Agent 99! Agent 99! Come in, 99!
LIAM
LET'S GO ALREADY!
JESSE
Fine, fine.
Jesse starts the car up and it races off, peeling rubber.
KITT
ARGH! Take me out of first! Take me
out of first!
JESSE
What's first?
JONATHAN
Pull over! I'm driving!
DREW
(To Liam)
This mission is already getting off
to a great start. Let's pray Jesse
and Jonathan don't blow this car up
with us in it.
KITT
Actually, I'm indestructible.
JESSE
Oh, we'll see about that!
The group stares at Jesse.
--------- ---------------- ----------------- ---------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming soon… Smackdown: The Musical!
Lillian Garcia: Chris Jericho! You just got beaten up by
Triple H and the Alliance because of Stpehanie McMahon! How
do you feel?
(Music starts. It's "Summer Nights" from Grease.)
Jericho: Hunter beat me, he got the win!
Stephanie McMahon: Hunter "pedigree"d him, then got the pin!
Jericho: The Alliance came down and beat me en masse!
Stephanie: That's what he gets for calling me a fat ass!
WWF stars: Well-a well-a woop! Tell us more, tell us more…
The Rock: Did you pull on her hair?
Alliance stars: Tell us more, tell us more…
Kurt Angle: Did you hit him with a chair?
All: Smackdown days, drifting away into Smackdown nights!
Smackdown: The musical! Followed by Roswell: The musical,
Enterprise: The musical and Special Unit 2: The musical!
------------------ ------------------------ ----------- -
INT. AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE
The Anti-Liam is sitting back on a chair, smoking a
cigarette. Capt. Hawaii and other Injustice Squad members
walk up.
CAPT. HAWAII
Hey! You're supposed to be keeping
watch!
ANTI-LIAM
Oh yeah. The dust is sneaking by
me, huh? Better keep my eyes peeled
or the roaches might just overpower
us!
CAPT. HAWAII
What is your problem? Ever since
this group started you've been
acting snotty to all of us! We're a
team and we have to coexist
ANTI-LIAM
Did I ever tell you about this guy
on my Earth that I killed? This
guy, Gary told me that if I was
going to conquer worlds, the one
thing I shouldn't do is start a
team of solo villains. It never
works. Look at the Injustice Gang,
Tartarus, the Masters of Evil, The
Sinister Six… why don't they work?
Because they're better off solo!
CAPT. HAWAII
Wait, why'd you kill a guy who
gives you advice like that?
ANTI-LIAM
Oh. He said that while he was going
into shock after I cut off his
fingers.
CAPT. HAWAII
Oh.
ALPHA NERD
Well, actually those teams all
collapsed because of their member's
massive egos.
Anti-Liam pauses. He then backhands the Alpha Nerd.
ANTI-LIAM
As opposed to this team, which will
be torn apart by its member's
massive stupidity!
BETA NERD
(Helping Alpha up)
What is your damage? Didn't
Mysterious Figure save you?
ANTI-LIAM
Yeah. And I owe him. Unfortunately,
he's now sending us on a mission
that's bound to land us all in jail
again! If we don't get killed in
the process!
WALLY PIMENTO
You don't believe we can defend the
Tribunal and kill Liam Smith?
ANTI-LIAM
Look at who we have in our team: A
midget, a moron with a trash can
lid on his hand, two virgins and
you know what?
(Points to Britney and
Justin)
Last time I checked, YOU TWO WERE
DEAD!
BETA NERD
(British accent)
They got better?
Anti-Liam kicks Beta Nerd in the face.
ANTI-LIAM
(Still kicking him)
No… Monty… Python!
CAPT. HAWAII
Hey, how are the two of you alive?
I saw on "Where are they now?" that
you were crushed in a trash
compactor and you had a phone
dropped on you!
JUSTIN
Well thereby hangs a tale! I was
stiff and lifeless…
ANTI-LIAM
(Off camera)
Then you were killed.
CAPT. HAWAII
Shh!
JUSTIN
Then all of a sudden I was whisked
back to life by O' Mysterious
Figure! He dragged me back from the
afterlife!
ANTI-LIAM
So you're a zombie?
JUSTIN
Well, I prefer to think of it as
"Circulatory impaired"
The Anti-Liam pulls out a gun and shoots Justin in the chest.
Both Justin and Anti-Liam stare at the gaping hole in his
chest.
ANTI-LIAM
Zombie?
JUSTIN
(Sighs)
Yes. And once I was re-animated,
Mysterious Figure had me start re
building my cyborg sweetie. Months
of hard work later, she was as good
as new!
BRITNEY
Except for some reason, The Britney
has a penis now.
Everyone stares in shock at Britney. They then do a slow turn
towards Justin.
JUSTIN
What? I didn't do it!
Mysterious Figure floats towards the group.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Enough of this prattling! We have
word Liam Smith and a group are
headed to Circus Circus!
ANTI-LIAM
Wow. Glad you kept us updated on
that. Why don't you tell us why
we're still here instead of out
there hunting them and cutting
their fricking heads off?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Upon briefing with the Tribunal, we
have come to the conclusion that we
don't have to do anything. They're
like danger magnets. All we have to
do is wait and they'll stumble upon
us. And when they stumble, we'll be
there waiting.
ANTI-LIAM
Translation: Hope Liam's dumb luck
leads him into a lame trap. And
what's with them always talking in
order anyways?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
SILENCE!
A pause.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
(Looks at Britney)
And what's this about you having a
penis?
Robo-Britney rolls her eyes.
EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS.
KITT pulls up. Liam looks at Jesse, JONATHAN and Drew.
LIAM
Okay. Which one of you is going to
interrogate Senestra?
JESSE & JONATHAN
Bah?
DREW
I think what they're trying to say
is, "Why us?"
LIAM
Come on! If me, Thad or Bippo do
it. We'd end up jobless! She
doesn't know any of you!
JESSE
I might volunteer. Is she hot?
JONATHAN
Oh, shut up!
DREW
I'll go.
LIAM
You will?
DREW
Yeah. It's been a while since I got
to interrogate anyone.
LIAM
Okay. Try to be low key, though.
DREW
Don't worry about it. I'm the
picture of low key.
INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS. SENESTRA'S OFFICE
Senestra is at her desk watching Dawson's Creek. Rock and
Tank are on the opposite end of the room by the door.
Suddenly, the door bursts open and Drew walks in. He's
wearing a cowboy hat, a bright Aloha t-shirt and bermuda
shorts. Senestra immediately changes the channel and turns
the TV off.
DREW
(Southern accent, holds
out a roll of quarters)
Hey! Wow! Would'ja look at this
here place! Hey, miss! Could y'all
exchange this here roll of quarters
for some of them thar tokens for
your slut machines?
SENESTRA
Huh? Slut mach-- HEY! This isn't a
change booth, pal! Get out of my
office! Rock! Tank! Escort this man
out!
Rock and Tank start to move forward when Drew backhands Rock
with the hand holding the roll of quarters. Drew then kicks
Tank in the stomach and slams him head first into the wall.
Drew lets go of Rock and Tank, walks over to Senestra's desk,
sets the roll of quarters down in front of her and sits down
in the chair in front of her, kicking his feet up on the
desk. Senestra is in shock.
DREW
Tribunal of Evil.
SENESTRA
(Still in shock)
Huh?
DREW
(Snaps his fingers)
The Tribunal of Evil, sweetie! Pay
attention. I want to know
everything you know about them
SENESTRA
Could you do that again?
DREW
Huh? Do what again?
SENESTRA
Beat them up. That was awesome!
DREW
Um, can we get back to the matter
at hand?
SENESTRA
Sure, whatever. Can you show me how
to do that backhand thingy?
DREW
Hey! Tribunal! Where are they?
(Senestra rifles through
her rolodex. She pulls
out a card.)
SENESTRA
Here. This is a warehouse they own
where they store weapons that
they've sold to me, that's all I
have. Now enough talk, more
stomping!
DREW
(Sighs)
Fine.
Drew walks over to Rock who's trying to sit up. He punches
him out again.
DREW
Back to bed!
Drew walks back to the desk and takes the card.
DREW
(Lights a cigarette)
Thanks. See you around.
Senestra stands up and leans on the desk seductively.
SENESTRA
(Playing with her hair)
You know, I have a couple of
minutes…
DREW
(Walking out)
So go boil an egg. Later, luv!
Drew leaves.
SENESTRA
God, vampires are so sexy…
TANK
(Waking up)
Dah, I heard they're eunuchs!
Senestra frowns, picks up the roll of quarters and heads
toward Tank.
EXT. CIRCUS CIRCUS.
Drew walks out towards Liam and the team. Everyone hears a
loud thump and a groan come from Senestra's office. They
ignore it and go back to their usual behavior.
DREW
I got the address of one of their
warehouses.
THAD
Hey, what'd you do with the roll of
quarters I lent you?
DREW
I "donated" it.
THAD
Dammit! Now how am I going to do
laundry?
DREW
You could always lick your clothes
clean…
Thad growls. Liam takes the card.
LIAM
Excellent! This could be the clue
we're looking for!
BIPPO
Or a big fat goose chase! Either
way, I'm happy!
JESSE
So we're heading where?
LIAM
"T.O.E. Storage"
Everyone pauses.
JONATHAN
"T.O.E. Storage"? You've gotta be
kidding me.
LIAM
Well, let's go!
JESSE
I'm driving!
EVERYONE
HELL NO!
Jonathan gets in the drivers seat and they drive off. They
arrive at T.O.E. Storage. Jesse rips the lock off the door
and they walk in.
INT. T.O.E. STORAGE
The group is walking down the hallways of the warehouse.
There are shelves of boxes stacked all the way to the
ceiling.
LIAM
Look at this stuff! "Gauntlet,
Infinity", "Pulse rifle, MP31-A",
"Covenant, Lost Ark of".
BIPPO
Now I know where I'm going to send
you guys for my birthday presents!
VOICE
(Off Screen)
That is, if you all live to see
your next birthday!
Liam and the group turn around to see the Injustice Squad
standing in front of the exit.
------- ------------------- --------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Narrator: You know how some previews give too much of the
story away? Well, this summer… An adventure is coming so big
that we can't show you a thing… but we can play a sound bite…
Voice 1: We are NOT getting a monkey sidekick!
Voice 2: Why not? It's just like working with you.
Voice 1: Do you really need two of me?
Voice 2: Good point.
Narrator: Coming soon, an all new action packed adventure
exclusive to the Slightly Warped Website! Coming this summer!
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INT. T.O.E. STORAGE
The Injustice Squad is blocking the exit. Liam and the group
try to back away. Mysterious Figure raises his hands and the
doors and windows turn into stone.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
You're not going anywhere! We have
plans for you!
LIAM
I know, I know… The Tribunal has a
sacrifice… Just let my friends go.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Can't do that! They might come
back. I have an explosive rigged in
this warehouse. If they leave, it
goes off!
A pause.
ANTI-LIAM
You put a bomb in the warehouse…
That WE'RE currently standing in?
So if they leave, we get blown up?
Brilliant! Just (BLEEP)ing
brilliant! I'm starting to think
the "Mysterious" part of your name
is referring to "Does he have a
brain or doesn't he?"
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
You know, rescuing you is becoming
more trouble than it was worth!
ANTI-LIAM
Ooh! What're you going to do? Re
animate another boy band member to
attach another wiener to me?
CAPT. HAWAII
You shut your dirty mouth!
ANTI-LIAM
Or what?
CAPT. HAWAII
Or THIS!
Capt. Hawaii swings at The Anti-Liam. Anti-Liam ducks and the
blow hits The Beta Nerd. The group starts brawling with one
another.
LIAM
(Putting his hand on his
forehead)
Oh, you've got to be kidding me…
THAD
What's Britney Spears and Justin
Timberlake doing here? Aren't they
dead?
BIPPO
They got better?
Everyone groans.
JESSE
So, what do we do now?
LIAM
I guess we should find a way out!
ROBO-BRITNEY
Not so fast! If we kill one
another, we're taking you with us!
Britney's arm turns into a cross-bow type device and she
fires a bolt directly at Drew. Drew catches the arrow and
throws it back at her, sending the lance directly through her
neck.
THAD
OH MY GOD! YOU SPEARED BRITNEY!
Everyone stops and looks at Thad
THAD
Sorry. Didn't realize how stupid
that would sound until I said it.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
GET THEM FOR GOD'S SAKES!
The Injustice Squad attacks, including Britney. Who has an
arrow hanging out of her neck. Jesse and Jonathan transform
into Cosmic Weasel & Dr.Wham and Thad wolfs out.
COSMIC WEASEL
If we take out the leader, the
group will fall apart!
Dr. Wham looks at Cos.
COSMIC WEASEL
More than it already is.
DR.WHAM
Better.
Doc and Cos leap forward towards Mysterious Figure. He waves
his hand and Doc and Cos fly back into a wall and slide down.
COSMIC WEASEL
Wanna go beat up the Omega Nerds?
DR. WHAM
Good idea.
Meanwhile, Bippo and Drew are facing off against Britney and
Justin. Britney is throttling Drew and Justin is chasing
Bippo around.
DREW
Argh! You COULD help me here.
Bippo!
BIPPO
Kinda busy! I don't want this
little geek touching me! He looks
like he's got cooties or something!
DREW
(Sniffs)
He's a zombie, Bippo! I could tell
that even if I couldn't smell his
rotting odor!
BIPPO
Zombie? COOL!
Bippo pulls his chainsaw out and revs it up.
BIPPO
Time to say "Bye Bye Bye", Justin!
Bippo walks off screen towards Justin. Drew is still getting
beaten up by Robo-Britney. We hear cutting noises and a
scream. Bippo walks back on screen.
BIPPO
You're still fighting Britney? Just
kick her in the junk and let's go!
DREW
(Getting punched by
Britney)
Britney is a girl, Bippo! Girls
don't have "junk"!
BIPPO
Well, then I guess I'm gonna have
to tell Thad you got beaten up by
Britney Spears!
DREW
(Angrily)
THE HELL YOU WILL!
Drew knees Britney in the crotch. She doubles over in pain
and gasps for air.
BIPPO
Whoa! Britney's got "junk"!
DREW
(Grabbing Bippo's
chainsaw)
Not for much longer.
Drew walks off camera with the chainsaw. A minute later, he
comes back holding various cyborg parts. He throws them over
his shoulder.
BIPPO
Hey! Cool! Did you take a souvenir
like me?
Bippo holds up Justin's head.
JUSTIN
Let me go! Or I'll… cry and
whimper!
DREW
Well, actually I did take a
souvenir off Britney. But I can't
show them on TV.
Drew walks off, Bippo looks confused. He then realizes what
Drew took.
BIPPO
OH! That's just wrong!
A pause
BIPPO
(Walks off after Drew)
Can I see them?
CAPTAIN HAWAII WALKS TOWARDS LIAM.
MEANWHILE IN THE BACKGROUND WE CAN SEE
WALLY PIMENTO CHASING AFTER THAD WITH
A GUN, SHOOTING AT HIS FEET.
CAPT. HAWAII
Once I take you to the Tribunal,
I'll be a very wealthy man again!
LIAM
Looks like its time to use my new
utility belt!
Liam reaches into one of the pockets. He then reaches into
another, then another and another. They're all empty.
LIAM
(Backing away from Capt.
Hawaii)
DOC! THIS BELT IS EMPTY!!!
DR. WHAM
(Beating up the Alpha
Nerd)
Well, yeah! We made the belt!
You're supposed to put all the
gadgets in it!
LIAM
Oh, for crying out loud…
Liam runs for it. Meanwhile, Werewolf Thad is now chasing
Wally in the background. Capt. Hawaii chases after him around
a corner. Liam is standing by a blocked emergency exit
CAPT. HAWAII
Hah! Forgot we blocked the escapes,
huh?
LIAM
No! I was just… um… trying to call
Capeman on my cell phone!
Capt. Hawaii takes the phone from Liam.
CAPT. HAWAII
Give me that! Hey, nice phone!
Think I'll keep it. How do I turn
it on?
LIAM
Hit the red button!
CAPT. HAWAII
(Looking down at the
phone. He sees the metal
nodes on the antenna)
Ah… I get it… This isn't a phone,
is it? Some kind of tazer? What do
you think, I am? Some kind of
moron?
Capt. Hawaii looks up to see Liam holding a fire hose.
LIAM
That's the general idea.
Liam turns on the hose and blasts Capt. Hawaii, who's still
holding the phone/tazer. He's electrocuted instantly. Liam
turns the hose off.
CAPT. HAWAII
(Passing out)
Ow………
Liam leans against a wall and takes a deep breath. All of a
sudden, the wall turns around and sends Liam falling back
down into a hidden room. He gets up and realizes the
Tribiunal of Evil is standing right in front of him.
TRIBUNALS
(Liam Smith, we presume?)
----------- ----------------- -----------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Watch "From Hell"! It's scary!
- Watch "13 Ghosts"! It's really scary!
- Watch "Max Keeble's Big Move"! It's f'ing terrifying!
----------- ------------ --------------- -
INT. THE TRIBUNAL'S LAIR
The Tribunals are advancing on Liam with various holy
implements in their hands.
TRIBUNAL 1
Liam Smith! Finally, your time has
come!!!
TRIBUNAL 2
Prepare for your sacrifice!
LIAM
WAIT! Why is it you want to
sacrifice me? What do you gain?
TRIBUNAL 3
Well, we selected you through
logical and scientific means…
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
Tribunals 1-4 are spinning a blindfolded Tribunal 5 around
and point him at a phone book.
TRIBUNAL 5
(Opens the book up and
points to a page)
HIM!
Tribunal 4 looks at the name his finger is by.
TRIBUNAL 4
Smith, Liam Q.
TRIBUNALS
HE IS THE ONE!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
Liam is standing in front of the Tribunals.
LIAM
But why? Why do all this? Will
sacrificing me gain you wealth,
power or immortality?
TRIBUNAL 4
Nothing so pedestrian!
TRIBUNAL 5
We're sacrificing you for Jodie
Foster!
LIAM
Huh? Jodie Foster? But she's not
even that hot anymore!
TRIBUNAL 1
SILENCE!
TRIBUNAL 2
We tried the sacrifice before but
our original target was just too
big. And our emissary was just
incompetent! So we aimed lower…
TRIBUNAL 3
And lower…
TRIBUNAL 4
And lower…
TRIBUNAL 5
Then we got to you.
TRIBUNAL 1
So prepare to be sacrficed, Liam
Quincy Smith! So that Jodie Foster
shall be ours!!!
Liam pauses again.
LIAM
Excuse me?
TRIBUNAL 2
He said "prepare to be sacrficed,
Liam Quincy Smith! So that Jodie
Foster shall be ours".
LIAM
Um, My middle name isn't Quincy.
TRIBUNAL 3
What?
LIAM
My middle name isn't Quincy.
TRIBUNAL 4
Are you sure?
LIAM
Positive.
TRIBUNAL 5
You live at 1701 Elm St?
LIAM
Nope.
TRIBUNAL 1
Can we see some ID?
LIAM
Sure.
Liam pulls out a license and hands it to the Tribunals.
TRIBUNAL 2
You know, he always looked kind of
short on the viewing globe…
TRIBUNAL 3
Well, I always thought that was
just the viewing globe.
TRIBUNAL 4
Guys, I think we've been after the
wrong Liam!
TRIBUNAL 5
Dammit! That means we have to make
up for lost time!
TRIBUNAL 1
Yeah. Listen, pal. We're sorry
about this. No hard feelings,
right?
LIAM
Um…. No. I guess not. But what
about the Injustice Squad? They're
trying to kill us!
TRIBUNAL 2
Well, we already paid them quite a
bit, so you're pretty much on your
own. Bye!
The Tribunals shove him towards the door. Liam's struggling
to stay inside in safety.
LIAM
Wait! I have to know! What's with
the speaking in order thing?
TRIBUNAL 3
Well, duh! We're a Tribunal!
TRIBUNAL 4
We have rules!
LIAM
So why not change that one? It's
kind of lame.
TRIBUNAL 5
Please leave. Or we'll change our
minds.
LIAM
Well, gotta go! Don't be strangers!
Liam leaves.
INT. ANOTHER PART OF THE WAREHOUSE
Mysterious Figure is rushing to a hidden corner of the
warehouse with a satchel full of the payment the Tribunal
gave him and a half smoked cigarette in his mouth. The Anti
Liam meets up with him.
ANTI-LIAM
Where are you going?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Well, things aren't exactly going
as planned. So I figured I'd
probably escape.
ANTI-LIAM
What about the rest of the
Injustice Squad?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Well, all of you will hold off the
heroes while I make my escape and
come back for you later!
ANTI-LIAM
MY GOD! THAT'S BRILLIANT! But how
are you going to escape?
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Well, there's a hidden passageway
under this floor that can be
accessed with this switch.
ANTI-LIAM
Well, thanks for letting me know
that.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
You're going to try to kill me
aren't you?
ANTI-LIAM
Nothing really gets by you!
The Anti-Liam pulls out a gun.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Do you really think shooting me
will…
The Anti-Liam shoots Mysterious Figure. Mysterious Figure
slumps down to the ground. Anti-Liam reaches down and picks
up the satchel.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
(Dying)
B-b-but I didn't get to do anything
evil…
ANTI-LIAM
And you still won't.
Anti-Liam brings the gun up again and fires. He takes the
switch, flips it and heads into the passageway. The door
closes behind him, leaving Mysterious Figure dying.
INT. T.O.E. STORAGE
Liam walks up to see The Alpha and Beta Nerd still getting
beaten up by The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham.
LIAM
Hey, guys? How are we going to get
out of here?
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh, we got that covered. We'll stay
in here and look for the bomb while
you guys take these assclowns
outside.
DR. WHAM
(Starts talking to his
watch)
KITT. We need you to open up a door
for us! Pronto!
There's a revving sound and then a crash as KITT bursts
through the wall.
KITT
I wouldn't mind knowing why you
didn't have me do this earlier.
Would have saved you all some time.
EXT. T.O.E. STORAGE
Liam is sitting by KITT as Drew finishes tying up Capt.
Hawaii and the Omega Nerds and lights a cigarette. The only
remaining living members of the Injustice Squad. Thad walks
up.
LIAM
What happened with Wally Pimento?
Thad burps.
LIAM
Never mind.
THAD
You know what? The problem with
devouring midgets is, a half hour
later you want to do it again.
LIAM
That's way too much for me to know.
THAD
I was a good thing. I WAS in the
mood for Italian.
LIAM
Please stop.
THAD
He was depressed anyways. He was
suicidal. He was going to kill
himself by jumping off a curb!
EVERYONE
ENOUGH!
THAD
Sorry.
DREW
So the Tribunal is really after a
completely different Liam Smith?
LIAM
Yep.
DREW
Well, don't you think we should
warn this other Liam Smith? He
probably doesn't have all the luck
you have! That was a pretty
irresponsible thing to do. Letting
the Tribunal go when they pose a
threat to innocent people.
THAD
Speaking of irresponsible, where's
Jesse and Jonathan?
LIAM
They're still inside looking for
the bomb, the Anti-Liam and that
other guy. I sent Bippo to look for
them.
A pause.
DREW
You sent… Bippo to go look for
Jesse and Jonathan?
LIAM
Yeah. Why? I figured… Oh god! What
have I done?
DREW
How long have you been suffering
from these lapses of judgment,
Liam?
LIAM
Ever since I moved to Vegas.
All of a sudden, Jesse, Jonathan and Bippo come running out
of the warehouse.
JESSE
MOVE! MOVE!
Everyone ducks behind KITT. The warehouse explodes.
LIAM
What happened?
BIPPO
Jesse cut the wrong wire.
JESSE
They said "Cut the red wire, Jesse!
Cut the red wire!"
JONATHAN
You cut the white wire!
JESSE
Looked red to me!
JONATHAN
That's because your mask has red
lenses you idiot!
DREW
You think the Tribunal of Evil is
okay?
All of a sudden, the flaming body of one of the Tribunals
slams into KITT. The Tribunal's head going through the
windshield.
THAD
Does that answer your question?
LIAM
Well, at least that other Liam
Smith should be alright.
Jesse and Jonathan look at the body and KITT.
JESSE
(To Jonathan)
A-HA! I TOLD YOU HE WASN'T
INDESTRUCTABLE!
KITT
Owwwww….
FADE OUT
FADE IN
INT. A LIBRARY
The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham are sitting by a desk.
COSMIC WEASEL
Hi kids! I'm the Cosmic Weasel!
DR. WHAM
And I'm Doctor Wham!
COSMIC WEASEL
And we want to talk to you kids
know about smoking!
DR. WHAM
Now there were several characters
smoking during this episode. And we
want to let you know that smoking
is bad for you!
COSMIC WEASEL
Smoking causes cancer, emphysema
and it even stains your teeth!
DR. WHAM
But then again, it's not like
people buy the things because they
have vitamin C in 'em!
COSMIC WEASEL
And how about all those anti
smoking ads? How annoying are
those?
DR. WHAM
Tell me about it. I haven't wanted
to slap so many young people since
I watched that episode of Gilmore
Girls!
COSMIC WEASEL
So the moral of this story, kids?
Don't smoke…
DR. WHAM
…Unless you really want to look
cool to your peers!
COSMIC WEASEL
So on behalf of the Cast of the
Liam Smith Show, this is The Cosmic
Weasel…
DR. WHAM
… And Dr. Wham saying…
COSMIC WEASEL & DR. WHAM
(Smiling)
"Smoke if you got 'em!"
DR. WHAM
(Under breath. Still
Smiling.)
We are SO going to Hell for this.
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS