INT. EAST LEE S. CAPABLE PRISON.VISITING AREA.
A tall, lanky person with large glasses with tape across them
and a T-shirt that says "Buffy rulez" is sitting at one of
those stalls waiting for someone. He has a large book in
front of him. The guard brings in the Alpha Nerd. He sits
across from the other person, revealed to be the BETA NERD.
BETA NERD.
Alpha! Long time, no see! Last
time I saw you, Xena and Gabrielle
were straight!
Beta Nerd laughs so hard he snorts.
ALPHA NERD
Very funny. What are you doing
here? You left the group, remember?
You said that Duncan could beat
Connor MacLeod in a fight and I
disagreed. We argued and you left
the group.
BETA NERD
Guess we know who won that
argument!
ALPHA NERD
CONNOR THREW THAT FIGHT! HE WANTED
DUNCAN TO TAKE HIS POWER!
They both pause.
ALPHA NERD
You going to tell me why you're
here?
BETA NERD
I've figured that since I wasn't
with you when you led that mission
into that sci-fi convention. That
alone was responsible for your
defeat.
ALPHA NERD
Good to know you're still humble.
So are we working together again?
BETA NERD
LIKE QUINN AND COLIN MALLORY!
Both nerds laugh so hard they snort.
BETA NERD
Let's get you out of here.
ALPHA NERD
Good. I have a mission to complete!
BETA NERD
You want to go after that guy the
Tribunal of Evil sent you after?
ALPHA NERD
Damn right! I'll dust Liam Smith
and his friends like Buffy on
vampires!
BETA NERD
WE'LL dust them.
Beta Nerd opens the giant book in front of him ("Get a life"
by William Shatner), it's been hollowed out. He pulls out a
Rubik's cube. He twists it around until one side is
completely green. There is a bright green light and as it
fades. Both nerds, the chairs and the divider in front of
them are transported away.
GUARD
Damn. This ALWAYS happens on my
shift!
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS. LIAM'S PLACE.
Liam is reading the newspaper. He flips to the want ads. He
sees something. His eyes light up and he runs into the
bedroom. He runs out with a suitcase and he runs out of his
apartment. He passes Thad, Stacy, Jesse and Jonathan. They're
all in the hallway, playing hockey on rollerblades. Jesse
hits the puck toward Liam's face. Thad jumps past and catches
it with his teeth.
LIAM
Thanks, Thad.
THAD
(spits the puck out)
No problem.
Jesse, Jon and Stacy skate up to Liam
JESSE
Sorry about that, Liam. You okay?
LIAM
Yeah. I'm heading to LA for a
couple of days. I'll be back.
STACY
What? Where are you going?
LIAM
Bootygirl: The Movie is filming in
LA and they need extras! I'm going
to audition! Bye!
JESSE
Hold on! Isn't that the movie
starring Kari Wuhrer?
LIAM
Yep. Gotta go!
Everyone stops him.
JONATHAN
Wait, isn't what you're doing
"stalking"?
LIAM
I don't have to have any scenes
with her! I just want to know I'm
working on the same project with
her!
Liam rushes off.
JESSE
We're going to have to go along to
make sure he doesn't get arrested.
Aren't we?
STACY
Yep. I'll get Arturo and Donner.
Stacy walks off. Jesse, Thad and Jon turn around to see Bippo
with a goalie mask on.
JESSE
Hey, if you wanted to play hockey
with us, Bippo. All you had to do
was ask!
BIPPO
(raises the mask)
You're playing Hockey?
RIM SHOT.
FADE OUT
------------
Theme Song (Set to Sum 41's "Fat Lip")
He works in Las Vegas at a job that he hates!
His sister is a hot chick that he used to date!
He goes home to Upda Creek at the end of the day!
He swears on his life that he's really not gay!
The Liam Smith Show's not the kind that you're used to!
Kari Wuhrer's starring and she's got big hoo-hoos!
Bippo is insane!
Jesse has no brain!
And here we all go again…
The Liam Smith Show is on…
It's the weekly fix that you all need!
The Liam Smith Show is on…
The funniest episode that you'll ever read!
And OLE!
----------------------
The Liam Smith Show
STARRING
Dian Bachar as Liam Smith
Co-Starring
Seann William Scott as Thad Coffey
Jason Lee as Jesse Glaspey/Cosmic Weasel
Jack Black as Jonathan Krueger/Dr. Wham
Robert Floyd as Bippo the Clown
Cameron Diaz as Stacy VaVoom
John Rhys-Davies as Professor Arturo
Neil Patrick Harris as Gary the Fanboy
Kari Wuhrer as Herself
And MTV Movie Award Winner for Breakthrough Performance
Jason Donner as Donner
AND GUEST STARRING
Matt Damon as The Alpha Nerd
Ben Affleck As The Beta Nerd
And
Chris Kattan as Martin Von Periwinkle
----------------
INT. A HOLLYWOOD STUDIO. THE SET OF BOOTYGIRL: THE MOVIE
Liam and the gang are walking around the set of Bootygirl.
They're gawking at celebrities on the set and Bippo is
stealing food from craft services.
LIAM
Look! It's Eric Roberts!
THAD
Look! It's Emilio Estevez!
ARTURO
I didn't know they were in the
movie!
DONNER
They're not. They're Kari's ex
boyfriends.
STACY
Oh, God! Speaking of ex-boyfriends…
Gary the Fanboy walks up.
GARY
What in the name of Seti Alpha 5
are you all doing here?
LIAM
We work here! We're extras!
GARY
What? The casting agency didn't
just pick people at random and
there's no way they'd just happen
to pick all of you! How did you get
in?
LIAM
Well, it's kind of a funny story…
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. CASTING AGENCY. THE WINDOW.
Jesse and Jonathan are holding the head of the agency out of
the window by his ankles.
JESSE
Are me and my friends in the movie?
AGENT
N-nooo!
JESSE
Okay. Jon! Make a wish!
Jesse and Jon are about to pull apart.
AGENT
Okay! Okay! You're in!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
BACK TO THE
STUDIO.
LIAM
Wait! What are we doing here? What
are YOU doing here?
GARY
I'm the technical advisor on this
film! I've read every issue of
Bootygirl!
JESSE
And here we were, doing stupid
things like going outside, kissing
girls and having a life. We could
have been just like you!
GARY
Why you…
Jesse is about to lunge forward to attack Gary when there is
a loud clapping noise. Everyone turns to see the director of
the movie, MARTIN VON PERIWINKLE clapping to get everyone's
attention.
MARTIN
All right everyvun! Ve are goink to
shoot now! Places! Places! Kari
vill be joinink us shortly. She is
in wardrobe!
STACY
Who would have guessed? She's
putting clothes ON!
Martin moves various people to their places. He stands Liam
in the middle of an alleyway.
MARTIN
Okay, you vill play a person
walking home from vurk ven a dirty
crook mugs you and attacks you and
hurts you. Bootygirl vill come down
and save you. You vill be grateful,
but she vill not speak. She never
speaks!
LIAM
Can I ask her to marry me?
Martin slaps Liam
MARTIN
NEIN! You vill not! Vis is not
improv! You vant improv, you go to
Drew Carey!
LIAM
Sorry.
MARTIN
And PLACES! Ven I yell "Frolic"
that means "action"!
Martin sits in his director's chair.
MARTIN
FROLIC!
They start rolling. Liam walks down the alley. A thug jumps
out of the alley and starts kicking the living crap out of
him. Stacy leans over to Martin.
STACY
Um, he looks like he's really
hitting and kicking Liam!
MARTIN
Ja. I like realism in my films.
STACY
What other films have you done?
MARTIN
"Swallow Man", "Enema at the Gates"
and "Final Penetration"
JESSE
Hey! I saw that one!
Everyone looks at Jesse. The scene goes on as Liam continues
to get severe beatdowns. All of a sudden, Kari swoops down in
full Bootygirl attire, kicks the goon in the stomach and
handcuffs him to a dumpster. Kari helps Liam up and pats him
on the back. Liam looks at her, letting her see who she
saved.
LIAM
Thank you! Is there anything I can
do to repay you?
KARI
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Kari faints.
MARTIN
CUT! Vat's a wrap for today!
Somebody pick Kari up and throw her
in her hotel room! I shall scold
her ven she awakes! Everyone may go
home for the day!
STACY
There is a god! To hell with this.
I'm going sightseeing. I don't get
to go to LA that often.
ARTURO
I'll come with you. I'd like to see
Los Angeles and not have it have
some weird difference from the LA I
knew. No bloody tidal waves or
russian governments in power…
Arturo and Stacy walk off.
JESSE
Since we have the rest of the day
off, how about we go to this neat
Karaoke Bar me and Jon discovered
when we were here pitching the
Jesse Glaspey Show? The Host is a
little different than most club
owners, but Thad will fit right in
with the other customers!
LIAM
No thanks. I'd just like to go back
to the hotel room and pass out. I
think I can taste my kidneys…
DONNER
Well, we might as well go with you.
LIAM
Really?
DONNER
Yep. I don't get to raid those mini
refrigerators often.
LIAM
Thanks… I think. Are you guys
coming?
BIPPO
Sure! We can pretend we're the Who
and tear the room apart!
JESSE, JONATHAN & THAD
We're in!
GARY
I'm going with you to make sure you
don't stalk my Kari any more than
you already have!
LIAM
Suit yourself.
INT. LIAM'S HOTEL ROOM
We see the door of the hotel room. We hear voices outside.
It's Liam and the group.
LIAM
(from outside. Fumbling
with keys.)
It's incredible! I hear Kari is
staying in this very hotel also!
GARY
(From outside)
You just stay in your room until
they call you for work, pal!
LIAM
(opening door and walking
in)
Oh, shut up! You make it sound like
I'm a trouble magnet.
Everyone comes inside when they realize they have guests. The
Alpha and Beta Nerd are standing at the opposite end of the
room.
ALPHA NERD
Liam Smith? VENGEANCE IS CALLING!
The Nerds blast the group with some sort of energy gun.
CLOSE-UP: LIAM AND THE GROUP.
LIAM
Hey! We're okay!
PAN BACK TO REVEAL:
The group has been shrunken to the size of 3-inches. The
Alpha and Beta Nerd laugh. Liam looks at Gary.
LIAM
DON'T SAY A THING!
---- ------- ------- ------- -------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Survivor: We f**k with nature!
- The Mole: We f**k with your minds!
- Temptation Island: We f**k with couples!
- Big Brother: We f**k with boredom!
---- -------- -------- ------------ -
INT. LIAM'S HOTEL ROOM.
The entire group is now 3 inches high. The Nerds are
laughing. The Alpha Nerd holds up that bizarre gun he used.
ALPHA NERD
Ha ha HAAAA! You're ours now!
Courtesy of our new device: The
Shrink-ometer! You thought we'd
never come back didn't you? You
thought we'd just fade into obscure
third rate villain anonymity, like
The Toad! Didn't you?
The group pauses. They look at one another. They then nod in
agreement.
LIAM
Well, yeah!
ALPHA NERD
Wha- HEY!
Donner turns to Jesse. He's irritated.
DONNER
Aren't you supposed to have a
weasel sense that's supposed to
warn us about this kind of crap?
JESSE
It warns me of immediate life or
death dangers! Getting shrunken
doesn't qualify, apparently!
DONNER
Great. We've found something more
worthless than your weasel sense.
JESSE
What's that?
DONNER
The fact you have a SELECTIVE
weasel sense!
Donner lunges toward Jesse and starts throttling him. the
group separates them.
ALPHA NERD
Aw, look! They're fighting! Like
little G.I. Joes!
BETA NERD
We shouldn't kill them right away.
We could lock them in a Barbie's
Dream house and watch them like an
ant farm!
ALPHA NERD
OMG! We could have our own little
"Big Brother"! J/k!
BETA NERD
LOL! :)
JONATHAN
I don't know what's more
disgusting. Their suggestion or the
fact that they speak in internet
jargon.
LIAM
This SUCKS! All I wanted to do is
be in the Bootygirl movie! Just one
scene with Kari Wuhrer! But
noooooooo! I have to get shrunken!
The Nerds pause.
ALPHA NERD
Kari… Wuhrer? Bootygirl?
BETA NERD
Kari Wuhrer? I loved her in
"Luscious"!
ALPHA NERD
Are they filming here?
LIAM
No. They're filming across the
street at the studio. Kari is just
staying at this hotel.
The Alpha Nerd swoons.
ALPHA NERD
We have to find her! If we get
pictures of the set, her autograph
and a copy of the script, we'll be
gods when we post it at "Aint-it
cool" news!
BETA NERD
(Points to the group)
And what about them?
ALPHA NERD
What about them? We lock the doors
when we leave!
They're not exactly going to be
able to reach the doorknob!
BETA NERD
You're right. Let's go. And when we
get back, we'll pretend we're
Galactus and step on them!
The Nerds do that snorting thing again. They walk out the
door and lock it.
THAD
Well, NOW what?
LIAM
We could try and reach Professor
Arturo. Maybe he can find a way to
reverse this!
DONNER
Wait here for him to come back? No
way. The Nerds could be back any
minute.
THAD
We could try to get to Stacy's
room. Then she'll call Arturo.
BIPPO
But how do we get to Stacy's room?
There's a pause. They all do a slow turn to the ventilation
duct by the floor.
DONNER
Ohhhh no! We are not going in
there! There's probably rats in
there! And how are we going to find
Stacy's room from in there?
LIAM
Well, Stacy is only four rooms down
from us so, we just count the vents
1-2-3-4! Easy!
DONNER
Don't we have to get IN the vents
first?
JESSE
Don't worry. I have that covered!
Jesse grabs one of Liam's sneakers that's by the bed. He
carries it over to the grate covering the duct. He swings the
shoe into the grating, knocking it down.
DONNER
I don't believe this. Even at three
inches tall he STILL causes
property damage!
LIAM
Come on, this trip will only be a
couple of minutes.
THIRTY MINUTES LATER…
INT. THE VENTILATION DUCTS.
Liam and the gang are in the middle of a vent with four
different directions.
DONNER
Fantastic. Just f(BLEEP)ing
fantastic! Now how the hell do we
find Stacy's room?
BIPPO
Well, considering we're lost, there
are an average of fifty rooms on to
a floor in a hotel. It took us
thirty minutes to get lost trying
to find a duct four rooms away from
our starting point... carry the
four…We'll be dead by Wednesday!
JONATHAN
Assuming of course, the effects of
the Shrink-ometer don't wear off
while we're standing here and we're
crushed to death in this vent.
Everyone stops and stare wide-eyed in shock at Jonathan.
JONATHAN
What?
LIAM
Okay, new plan! We split up and
double our search efforts! Jesse,
Jonathan and Gary, you go that way!
Me, Bippo, Thad and Donner will go
this way. We come back here in an
hour.
JONATHAN
And for future reference, to
prevent you from getting lost,
here's a helpful hint: The trick to
getting out of a maze is if you
keep your hand along one wall,
It'll eventually lead you out or in
our case back to your starting
point.
THAD
Why didn't you tell us that
earlier?
JONATHAN
(Points at Liam)
Because I didn't think dipstick
over there would get us lost!
LIAM
Hey!
The group splits up. As they're walking away, Thad leans over
to Liam.
THAD
(Whispering)
Why'd you send Gary with Jon and
Jesse?
LIAM
Would you rather Gary travels with
us?
The group shudders.
TEN MINUTES LATER…
Gary is following Jesse and Jonathan asking them all sorts of
annoying questions about being superheroes.
GARY
Ever met the X-men?
JONATHAN
No, but Jesse met Gambit once and
knocked his cajun ass out.
GARY
Ever been to the afterlife?
JESSE
No, but I'm starting to know what
Hell feels like.
GARY
Can I be your sidekick?
JESSE & JONATHAN
HELL NO!
A pause.
JESSE & JONATHAN
(Pointing at each other)
Besides. HE'S my sidekick.
JESSE
What? Hello? Who's name is first on
the opening credits?
JONATHAN
Liam's.
JESSE
THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT AND YOU
KNOW IT!
GARY
HEY! Look!
Gary points in front of them, they see a grating on the floor
of the duct blocking their way.
JESSE
Hmm. Must be a vent for a bathroom.
JONATHAN
Think it'll support our weight if
we cross it?
JESSE
Only one way to find out. Gary, go
cross that grate!
GARY
What? Why me?
JESSE
If you do, we'll get you in the
Defenders.
GARY
REALLY? Cool! Valkyrie is da bomb!
JESSE
Yeah, yeah. Shut up and cross the
grate.
Gary walks ahead.
JONATHAN
(To Jesse)
You do know the Defenders aren't
real. Right?
JESSE
The real question is, does HE know
they're not real?
Gary is standing in the middle of the grate.
GARY
It's okay! It's safe to walk
across!
The grate gives way and Gary falls. We hear a splash. Jesse
and Jonathan run up to the edge and look down off screen.
JESSE
Gary! Are you okay? Not that we
care…
GARY
(Off camera)
Gah! I'm okay! I landed in the
toilet!
JESSE
(Snickering)
Really? Just grab a hold of that
Snickers bar floating by you!
JONATHAN
(Holding back laughter)
You need to get your eyes checked,
dude. That's no Snickers bar!
JESSE
(Cracking up)
Gary! If you see a black hole,
start praying to God. AND DON'T
LOOK UP!
JONATHAN
(laughing hysterically)
Should we toss him a life saver or
something?
JESSE
(Laughing so hard he's
crying.)
No. I think that "Snickers bar"
will hold him off as far as candy
is concerned!
Jesse and Jonathan fall down laughing.
INT. A HOTEL ROOM.
CLOSE UP: A GRATE TO THE VENTILATION DUCTS.
LIAM
CHARGE!
We hear several people running, we then see Liam, Thad, Bippo
and Donner slam into the grate, knocking it down.
DONNER
(Dusting himself off.)
Well, that was fun. Is this Stacy's
room?
LIAM
I'm not sure. I've never looked at
a room from this angle.
BIPPO
(Staring at something off
camera)
It's not Stacy's room.
LIAM
How do you know?
BIPPO
(Still staring off camera)
Well, THIS is a big giveaway!
Everyone turns to see a pet's water bowl. The name "MR.
WINKLES" is emblazoned on it.
LIAM
Aw… Mr. Winkles! That's such a cute
name. It's probably some adorable
little kitten!
They hear a rustling from the bed behind and above them. A
giant pitbull hops off the bed and trots directly in front of
them and starts growling.
BIPPO
Awwwwww……. Can I keep it?
---- ----- ------- ----- ----
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- "Read" Maxim!
- "Read" Stuff!
- "Read" FHM!
- "Read" Big 'Uns!
------- ----------- ------------
INT. A HOTEL ROOM.
Liam, Thad, Bippo and Donner are face to face with a giant
pitbull.
LIAM
No. Sudden. Movements.
DONNER
Well, Thad? What are you waiting
for? Talk to it!
THAD
WHAT? I'm getting awfully tired of
these…
DONNER
No, I'm serious! Try talking to it!
Maybe your werewolf form lets you
speak to dogs!
THAD
It can't do that!
DONNER
Have you tried?
A pause.
THAD
Well, here goes nothing…
Thad changes into his werewolf form.
THAD
*Ahem* Woof. Woof woof woof woof.
Bark.
BIPPO
Did it work?
The pitbull pauses. It then lurches forward and snatches
Donner up and swallows him whole.
DONNER
GAH!
LIAM
SWEET JESUS!
BIPPO
I guess it didn't work!
THAD
I wouldn't say THAT.
Mr. Winkles is about to eat another one of our gang when the
door opens and Mr. Winkles runs to the door. Kari Wuhrer is
helped in by a crew member who leaves and says nothing.
Because he is an extra.
KARI
Awwwwww. Mr. Winkles! You came to
the door! You widdle sweetie!
BIPPO
Wow! What are the odds, huh?
THAD
At least she got the dog away from
us.
LIAM
Um, guys? IT JUST ATE DONNER!
THAD
Oh, he'll be fine! We can just have
Jesse or Jonathan fish him out when
we find them!
LIAM
Hmmm. Good point.
Kari hops on the bed with Mr. Winkles and pulls out a book to
start reading.
LIAM
See? I don't know why you guys keep
insulting her intelligence. She's
reading a book!
KARI
"Not on a boat. Not on a plane. I
do not like them Sam-I-Am. I do not
like green eggs and ham!"
Thad and Bippo look at Liam.
LIAM
Oh, be quiet!
Kari puts the book down and turns on the TV.
LIAM
There! She's probably going to turn
something on like the news or
something!
KARI
(Clapping)
YAY! BLUE'S CLUES!!!
LIAM
(Hanging his head in
shame)
Oh for god's sakes…
(Sniffs the air)
You guys smell something?
Jesse and Jonathan walk up with a soaking Gary following them
wrapped in toilet paper to dry himself off. Jesse and
Jonathan are still laughing.
LIAM
What happened to you, Gary?
JESSE
(Laughing)
He went for a dip! Where's Donner?
LIAM
You don't want to know. How did you
guys find us?
JONATHAN
Thad marks his territory. It wasn't
easy to smell the marks with
Stinky, here.
Jon nods towards Gary.
GARY
HEY!
JESSE
Hey! Is that who I think it is?
BIPPO
Yup. She went from reading a book
to watching TV in under three
minutes. I think she has some kind
of attention disorder… HEY! A
Starburst!
Bippo walks off and grabs a Starburst the size of a brick.
Kari gets up and stretches.
KARI
I need a shower!
JONATHAN
People actually talk like that when
they're alone?
BIPPO
Well, she would keep it to herself,
but then she'd get her thoughts
confused with all the other voices
in her head.
JESSE
Quiet! This is officially the high
point of getting shrunken.
We focus on the group as they stare at Kari. A giant bra
falls on them as she walks by to the bathroom.
JESSE
First one to the bathroom is
incredibly lucky!!!
Everyone makes a break for the bathroom. The door is shut in
their faces.
JESSE
So close, yet so far away…
LIAM
What else could go wrong?
There's a rustling at the door. The door is then broken open
as the Alpha and Beta Nerd walk in. The nerds see the group
and vice versa.
NERDS
What are the odds…
LIAM & CO.
… of THIS happening?
LIAM
SCATTER!
The group splits up as they run several directions. The Nerds
hear something yelled out and they see a tiny thunderbolt
crash through the window and strike something by the
nightstand. The Beta Nerd rushes over to the nightstand to
see Dr. Wham standing by one of those pink superballs.
DR. WHAM
Hi. Howareya!
BETA NERD
Oh, you REALLY think you're going
to be able to stop me with THAT?
DR. WHAM
Let's see!
Dr. Wham punts the ball at super-speed sending it directly
into the Beta Nerd's crotch.
BETA NERD
Owwwwww.
ALPHA NERD
Why you little…
Mr. Winkles runs up to the Alpha Nerd with Thad riding on his
back.
THAD
Sic 'em boy!
Mr. Winkles starts biting the Alpha Nerd. The Beta Nerd is
staggering around. He leans on a dresser. He looks over to
see Liam standing by an open compact case.
LIAM
Hi!
Liam blows as hard as he can sending a pile of dust into the
Beta Nerd's face. He starts coughing and sneezing. Meanwhile
the Alpha Nerd is fighting off Mr. Winkles. He backs into the
table. Bippo is waiting on the table, holding a fork.
BIPPO
I've been waiting my whole life to
say this line. "RAMMING SPEED!"
Bippo runs and jams the fork into the Alpha Nerd's butt.
ALPHA NERD
OW!
The Beta Nerd staggers around and points the Shrink-ometer at
Liam.
BETA NERD
I'm going to shrink you into an
atom for that!
As the Beta Nerd fires, Dr. Wham flies in the way with a
mirror. The beam bounces off it and back at the Beta Nerd.
BETA NERD
Aw crap.
The Beta Nerd drops the gun just before the beam strikes him.
He opens his eyes to see he's now three inches as well.
There's a tap on his shoulder.
BETA NERD
Okay. I know what's coming.
The Beta Nerd turns around and sees the Cosmic Weasel's fist
headed towards him.
SFX
POW!
Kari walks out of the bathroom with a towel on. She sees the
Alpha Nerd and all the chaos.
KARI
Oh my god! Who are you? What are
all these little people? Oh, god!
I'm seeing things! I'm going crazy!
I'm going to end up in a sanitarium
with Mariah Carey!
The Alpha Nerd shakes Mr. Winkles off him and pulls the fork
out of his butt.
ALPHA NERD
You… will… ALL…pay for this!
The Cosmic Weasel is standing by the Shrink-ometer.
COSMIC WEASEL
(To camera)
A better man would think before
doing something like this! Luckily,
I'm not a better man.
The Cosmic Weasel kicks the trigger. The blast strikes Kari's
towel, shrinking it into nothing.
ALPHA NERD
(starting to convulse)
Uh! Uh! Naked girl! Aaaugh!
Kari runs back into the bathroom screaming. Meanwhile, Thad
and Bippo are each holding an end of Kari's bra. The Cosmic
Weasel and Dr. Wham are each in a "cup" stretching the bra
back as far as they can.
COSMIC WEASEL
Two "fastball specials" coming up!
DR. WHAM
No pun intended.
COSMIC WEASEL
Oh, yes there was!
They let go and fly forward at superspeeds colliding with the
Alpha Nerd's jaw sending him backwards towards the door. At
the same time…
EXT. OUTSIDE KARI'S HOTEL ROOM.
Stacy and Arturo are walking by. Arturo has a hat saying "I
"HEART" LA", a Lakers shirt and a map to the stars homes.
STACY
God, you're such a tourist it's
embarrassing.
ARTURO
Excuse me! I didn't get to see LA a
lot without being chased by an army
of some bloody missing links!
The Alpha Nerd crashes through the door in front of them
ARTURO
Good lord!
STACY
Hey! It's that Nerdy guy we fought
last year! Wait, he has something
on his face.
Stacy leans forward and sees The Cosmic Weasel and Dr. Wham
standing on the Alpha Nerds nose.
COSMIC WEASEL & DR. WHAM
(WAVING)
HI STACY!
Stacy pauses.
STACY.
Hmmm…This is interesting.
Stacy faints.
ARTURO
Now, who's the embarassment?
---- ----------- ------------- -------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
Coming soon to FOX…
"WHO WANTS TO MARRY A FANBOY?"
100 eligible women will compete for the chance to marry some
kid who can tell the difference between Black Talon and Black
Manta!
Be there and watch the shame.
--------- ----------- --------------- -
INT. THE HOTEL HALLWAY
The LA police are escorting the Nerds out. The Alpha Nerd is
in handcuffs, the Beta Nerd is in a hamster cage.
BETA NERD
This is ALL your fault!
ALPHA NERD
Oh, kiss my butt! I didn't force
you to tag along!
BETA NERD
Mom is going to kill us when she
finds out!
ALPHA NERD
Who cares? She always liked you
best!
Liam, Stacy, Arturo, Jesse and Jonathan walk out of Liam's
room. They're all full sized again. They're carrying luggage.
STACY
So Bootygirl: The Movie has been
put on hold?
LIAM
Yeah. Unfortunately. Kari pulled
out of the project. She thinks
she's going insane.
STACY
Hey, where was Gary in that whole
fight?
LIAM
Cowering in her underwear drawer.
At least, I think he was cowering.
JESSE
Thanks for fixing us back to our
original sizes. It must have been
tough to reconfigure the Shrink
ometer.
ARTURO
I hit the reverse switch on the
side of the gun.
JONATHAN
Apparently not that tough.
Kari walks out of the hotel room. Gary walks up to her.
GARY
Are you okay, baby?
KARI
No! First my room is broken into!
Then I'm attacked by a supervillain
and the Keebler elves! Then I'm
stripped naked! And now my dog has
indegestion!
GARY
Kari! There's no reason to be
scared! I was one of those elves!
Kari slaps Gary.
KARI
How DARE you make fun of my trauma!
You patronizing bastard!
Kari storms off. Gary follows her, begging for forgiveness.
LIAM
Well, at least this trip wasn't a
total waste. Hey! Where's Thad and
Bippo?
INT. KARI'S HOTEL ROOM.
Thad is sitting in front of Mr. Winkles. They're staring at
one another. Bippo walks up.
BIPPO
Hey. Kari wouldn't let us take Mr.
Winkles to the vet to get Donner
out?
THAD
Yup.
BIPPO
So we're waiting for him to come
out the old fashioned way?
THAD
Yup.
BIPPO
Donner's going to be pissed, you
know.
THAD
Yup.
BIPPO
Got the cameras?
Thad pulls out two types of cameras.
THAD
Digital AND video.
Mr. Winkles cocks his head.
MR. WINKLES
Wuff?
INT. LAPD HOLDING CELL.
The Alpha and Beta Nerd are sitting there. The Beta Nerd is
back to normal.
BETA NERD
You call our lawyer?
ALPHA NERD
Wolfram and Hart weren't taking our
calls.
BETA NERD
Dammit! NOW how are we going to get
out?
All of a sudden, the wall is ripped away to reveal The
Mysterious Figure.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Alpha and Beta Nerds… I have use of
you. Come with me and…
NERDS
Okay.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
… What?
ALPHA NERD
Okay, we'll come with you.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
You don't want to hear why you
should join?
BETA NERD
Not really. Let's just go!
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
(Sighs)
All right. It's just I put a lot of
work into my entrance!
ALPHA NERD
That's nice. Let's go.
MYSTERIOUS FIGURE
Fine. Rassum frassum…..
They all leave.
FADE OUT
ROLL CREDITS