INT. AN UNDERSEA CAVERN
Several people in strange clothing stand in front of a giant
screen showing scenes of the earth's surface.
MAN
As you can see, this is the surface
of the earth! The surface we
abandoned so long ago. Well, it's
time for us to take back what is
ours!
The camera pulls back to reveal several THOUSAND troops
watching the screen.
MAN
Two millennia ago, the continent of
Atlantis sank into the ocean.
SOON, it will rise again and the
ENTIRE EARTH WILL BELONG TO US!
The troops cheer.
MAN
In less than a day, Atlantis will
resurface and then the BLOOD WILL
FLOW LIKE MILK!
The camera pulls back, going out a window and then out into
the murky blue-black of the deep ocean. The camera continues
to draw back until we see an entire city on the ocean bottom.
Suddenly, the city begins to rise towards the surface.
MUSIC STING
INT. A VIDEO ARCADE
LIAM, BIPPO, and THAD are hanging out. BIPPO is showing off
several video game machines.
BIPPO
...and this is Bloody Fists of
Fury. I got high score on this
one. This is Chainsaws of Chaos.
I hold five of the top ten scores.
And finally, my favorite of
favorites, Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs,
and Innards III. I have all top
ten scores.
LIAM
Nice. I've never seen a game with
an NC-17 rating.
THAD
Who's HOM?
BIPPO
Who?
THAD
HOM.
Thad points to the video game monitor. The initials BIP are
in 2nd though 10th place, but in the number one position is
HOM.
BIPPO
SON OF A BITCH!!! I'LL KILL HIM!!!
LIAM
Relax, Bippo. It's only a game!
BIPPO
Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards
III is NOT just a game! It is a
reaffirmation of my manliness and
now this HOM guy just swoops in and
takes it from me! I feel violated!
Hold me!
Bippo jumps into Thad's arms.
THAD
Why don't you just knock this HOM
out of first place?
BIPPO
(jumps up)
Knock him out of first place?
BRILLIANT! I'll make HOM regret
the day he ever set his eyes on
Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards
III! Liam, give me a fifty.
LIAM
What? Why?
BIPPO
Because I need the quarters and you
should be thinking of every
possible way to placate the
homicidal clown who knows where you
live.
LIAM
Point taken.
Liam hands Bippo a fifty. Bippo puts it in his wallet with
several other fifties.
BIPPO
Now leave, you two. I've got some
serious animated violence to dish
out.
Liam and Thad leaves as Bippo begins to play.
EXT. MOUNT RUSHMORE
ULTRAWOMAN, BLUE FAIRY, NIGHTFLYER, CAPTAIN SPAZ, and
COLOSSAL CHUNK are fighting a costumed super villain,
BITCHSLAP.
BITCHSLAP
FOOLS! You are no match for the
might of BITCHSLAP!
Bitchslap Bitch slaps Colossal Chunk throwing him about a ten
thousand feet in the air. The other members of the Justice
Squad watches him fly into the air and then crash far off in
the mountains. A few seconds later, there is a muffled boom
as the sound finally reaches them.
NIGHTFLYER
Well, you've done it now,
Bitchslap. That's definitely going
to piss him off.
BITCHSLAP
Enough yammering! It'll take him a
while to get back here. Now, let's
fight, you suckas!
Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, Nightflyer, and Captain Spaz leap
into action, but Bitchslap is always one step ahead of him
using his superhuman bitch slap to subdue the heroes.
ULTRAWOMAN
It's no use. Bitchslap is too
powerful. We need a diversion!
NIGHTFLYER
Or better yet, something to draw
his attention.
ULTRAWOMAN
Right.
BLUE FAIRY
Let's get Captain Spaz to do it.
NIGHTFLYER
Yeah, he's practically useless in
combat situations anyway.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
HEY!
ULTRAWOMAN
Sorry, but he's right. Captain
Spaz, you distract Bitchslap. The
rest of us will take him down.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
But...
ULTRAWOMAN
Go!
The Justice Squad rushes to various positions leaving Captain
Spaz alone facing Bitchslap.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Well, this sucks.
(yelling at Bitchslap)
HEY! HEY HEY! LOOK AT ME! LOOK
OVER HERE! LOOK AT WHAT I'M DOING!
I'M DOING SOMETHING OVER HERE!
BITCHSLAP
Hey, stop that you little runt!
It's very distracting!
(a beat)
Waaaaaaait a minute!
KER POW! All three Justice Squaders hit Bitchslap in the
back of the head. As if they had no effect, Bitchslap turns
around and bitchslaps all three of them sending them crashing
into one of those new Voltswagon Beatles.
ULTRAWOMAN
(dazed)
Well, at least nothing of value was
damaged.
She passes out on top of her three unconscious teammates.
BITCHSLAP
Ha! Ha! Ha! Now no one can stand
in my way as I bitch slap the
entire world! I-- OW! OW! OW!
CRAMP! CRAMP!
Captain Spaz has caused Bitchslap's leg to cramp up. Instead
of subduing the villain, it has only pissed him off.
BITCHSLAP
Oh, you little tit! Prepare to
face the merciless palm of
BITCHSLAP!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Eep.
Before Bitchslap can bitch slap Spaz to oblivion, a purple
and gold blur rushes by. The camera pans over to reveal
CAPEMAN standing by a tied up and unconscious Bitchslap.
CAPEMAN
Need a little help?
CAPTAIN SPAZ
Capeman!
CAPEMAN
I hope you don't mind me dropping
in like this, oh he with useless
powers, but I was in the
neighborhood and I--
COLOSSAL CHUNK (O.S.)
CHUNK SMASH!
The gigantic fist of Colossal Chunk catches Capeman in the
head and sends the hero barreling into the base Mount
Rushmore. Capeman gets to his feet and dusts himself
off.
CAPEMAN
I'm okay!
A butterfly lands on Lincoln's nose sending it crashing
down on top of Capeman. Captain Spaz stands there for a
second looks at the devastation before looking at Colossal
Chunk.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
They're probably taking that out of
your pay.
Colossal Chunk hangs his head in shame.
FADE OUT:
---
Theme Song (Sung to the theme of "Mystery Science Theater 3000")
It the not too distant future...
Okay, about last week.
There was a TV Show.
About a wolf, a clown, and geek.
This geek his name was Liam Smith,
There's lot's of stuff he has to put with,
From killer models and invaders from space,
and his boss who wants to take over the all of the place.
We give you weekly episodes of his life, his trials, and times!
Hopefully you'll laugh and smile and like the website design!
Upda Creek Role Call!
Liam!
Thad!
Arturo!
Stacy
Bippooooooooooooooooooooh!
If you're wondering why we waste our time writing up this insane plot.
(La, la, la, la)
It comes from an ungratifying childhood and a big fat bag of pot.
For The Fabulous Liam Smith Show!
OLE!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
John Rhys-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
Seann William Scott
as
"Thad Coffey"
ALSO STARRING
Leon Lai
as
"Kevin Riley"
GUEST STARRING
Seth Green
as
"Quasar"
FADE IN:
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - INFIRMARY
Capeman is lying in bed when he suddenly awakes.
CAPEMAN
I SWEAR I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS
MARRIED!
He looks around, shrugs and then walks out.
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - MONITOR ROOM
Ultrawoman, Colossal Chunk, Captain Spaz, Nightflyer, and
Blue Fairy are at the meeting table.
NIGHTFLYER
...and So I said to her, YOU'RE
giving ME tips on decorations, Miss
Plaid and Pastels? Well, then
she...
Capeman enters.
ULTRAWOMAN
Hi, Capeman. Feeling better?
CAPEMAN
I feel like someone dropped a
giant chunk of rock shaped like
a nose on me.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
That Chunk bad. Sorry.
BLUE FAIRY
So, how much so we owe you for the
rescue?
CAPEMAN
Nothing. I don't take money for
superheroing anymore.
BLUE FAIRY
So, a personal check then?
ULTRAWOMAN
You told me you'd given up
materialism, but didn't believe it.
Capeman, you continue to surprise
me.
(a beat)
So what's the scam?
CAPEMAN
(shocked)
There isn't a scam! I just don't
extort people anymore!
ULTRAWOMAN
You mean to tell me that you're
giving up materialism for good?
CAPEMAN
Well, no... I still have a few
endorsements with companies who are
friendly to the environment and
don't exploit 3rd world labor,
but...
NIGHTFLYER
PLUH-LEASE! You expect us to
believe that Capeman is done with
money and power?
CAPEMAN
Yeah.
NIGHTFLYER
HUH!
CAPEMAN
In fact, I was following you guys
for a reason since you don't return
my phone calls or e-mails.
BLUE FAIRY
That's what you get for sending us
those damn chain letters.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
AND selling our address to
spammers.
BLUE FAIRY
I mean, seriously, how many little
terminally ill kids that want to
start the worlds largest e-mail
chain letter ARE there!?
CAPEMAN
The reason I was looking for you
was to ask... Uh... Okay, look...
I know I haven't been the
friendliest person in the world to
you guys and I know I've made fun
of you a lot...
BLUE FAIRY
You told Time that we were a retard
convention.
CAPEMAN
Right, I just...
NIGHTFLYER
You told US Weekly that you'd find
better superheroes than us at a
paraplegic ward.
CAPEMAN
Uh, I...
ULTRAWOMAN
You told David Letterman than my
costume makes my ass look big.
CAPEMAN
I'M SORRY!
CAPTAIN SPAZ
We know. Now apologize.
ULTRAWOMAN
Now, why should we spend a
nanosecond listening to anything
you have to say?
CAPEMAN
(embarrassed)
Because... I want to join the
Justice Squad.
The Justice Squaders react in shock.
INT. A VIDEO ARCADE
Bippo is playing Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III.
BIPPO
Heh, heh, heh... Good-bye HOM-oh.
Bippo writes his name in the top ten scored knocking HOM out
of the top ten. Bippo proceeds to breakdance and make a
spectacle of himself. While doing the moonwalk, he runs into
a teenager with blue skin and red eyes. This is QUASAR: THE
HERALD OF MIKE.
QUASAR
Hey, watch it!
BIPPO
Oh, sorry you weird smurf looking
guy.
QUASAR
No problem.
Quasar walks over to the Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards
III machine and begins to play. Bippo notices and looks over
his shoulder.
FADE TO:
INT. A VIDEO ARCADE - HOURS LATER
Bippo is staring in open mouth shock as Quasar writes his the
initals HOM in first place.
QUASAR
There, Quasar is BACK in first
place!
BIPPO
(on the verge of tears)
But... I spent hours getting rid of
HOM!
QUASAR
Oh, you're BIP?
BIPPO
Bippo the Clown.
QUASAR
I'm Quasar, the Herald of Mike.
That's where the HOM comes from.
BIPPO
Nice to meet you. Now, DIE!
Bippo begins stabbing Quasar with a knife. Quasar watches in
annoyance.
QUASAR
What are you doing?
Bippo reels back in shock.
BIPPO
GOOD GOD! YOU ARE AN INVULNERABLE
BLUE MAN!
QUASAR
That's a rubber knife, you moron.
BIPPO
So it is.
Bippo chucks it over his shoulder stabbing a Drug Dealer.
No one notices.
BIPPO
So, Quasar. What exactly does a
Herald of Mike do?
QUASAR
Well, I ride to dozens of planets
on my cosmic boogie board telling
the inhabitants that Mike is
coming.
BIPPO
And Mike is who?
QUASAR
Mike is the devourer of worlds and
the one who granted me my
phenomenal cosmic powers.
BIPPO
Really? What sort of phenomenal
cosmic powers?
QUASAR
Well, like this.
Quasar points at the Bloods, Guts, Eyeballs, and Innards III
machine and vaporizes it with antimatter from his finger.
BIPPO
BITCHIN!
QUASAR
Man, I'm beat. I spent all night
with some showgirls from the
Riviera. At least... I HOPE they
were girls.
BIPPO
Well, since you're my new best
friend you can stay at my friend
Liam's. He likes it when I bring
all sorts of kookie and unusual
people home with me and then stick
them with him.
QUASAR
He's not gay, is he?
BIPPO
(a beat)
I don't know. I don't watch him
twenty four hours a day.
QUASAR
Fine with me.
Bippo and Quasar walk out the door.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Liam is sitting on the couch talking to KEVIN.
KEVIN
You know, it would bring out those
cavernous eyes of yours if you used
a little highlights.
LIAM
Kevin, for the last time I don't
want to buy any makeup from you.
I'm a guy and guys don't wear...
(beat)
What do you mean "cavernous eyes"?
Bippo enters with Quasar
BIPPO
Liam, this is Quasar. He's a
herald of Mike.
LIAM
Good to meet you Quasar.
(to Bippo, silently)
Why is he blue?
BIPPO
I think it's a lot like that one
time when you got your head suck in
the airliner toilet. You had a
blue face for a month.
LIAM
Uh-huh. Look, you didn't promise
him that he could stay here, did
you? You have a nasty habit of
doing that.
BIPPO
That's right, I do and habits are
very hard to break so why try?
LIAM
Damn.
Kevin walks over to Quasar.
KEVIN
Ah, I see you're familiar with the
midnight blue shade of Mary Kay
base.
QUASAR
What?
KEVIN
Have you considered a little yellow
highlights on the cheeks? Maybe
goldenrod #5?
QUASAR
This isn't make-up. I'm from the
planet Flaarn. Everyone's blue
there. Or at least, they were.
LIAM
Fascinating.
QUASAR
There's more, but I'm tired.
KEVIN
...and we really don't care.
QUASAR
Where's the bed?
LIAM
W-Well, the couch folds out into a
bed I guess that...
QUASAR
Great, that means that your bed
will be free. Thanks for taking
the couch, man.
Quasar walks into the bedroom and slams the door.
BIPPO
He seems nice.
KEVIN
All that stuff about being from
another planet and stuff... You
don't think that's going to come
back and haunt us, do you?
LIAM
Nah.
INT. LIAM'S BEDROOM
Quasar is getting ready for bed when suddenly, the image of
MIKE appears in from of him.
MIKE
QUASAR!
QUASAR
Yo, Mike. 'Sup?
MIKE
Hath thou alerted thine leaders of
thy world as I hath instructed?
QUASAR
Er... No.
MIKE
NO!? Explainith thine self!
QUASAR
W-Well, you know, I kinda...
MIKE
Thou wath playing video games
again, weren't thou?
QUASAR
Yeah.
MIKE
Quasar, this is going to be thine
fifth world in a row that succumbs
to my might without thine major
leaders knowing about it because
thou, my herald, was too busy
goofing off! I spared thee when I
took thine world so that thou may
serveith me and gave to thee the
phenomenal cosmic powers thou hath
so that thou may instill terror in
thy populace. I had no idea thou
wath such a slacker.
QUASAR
Hey, I'm a teenager!
MIKE
That 'tis no excuse. Doith my bidding
or thou shall sufferith the same
fate as your home world and
soon, thy Earth.
Mike disappears. Quasar begins mocking him.
QUASAR
Do nyah bidding nyor nyou will
nufferith the nah nah nah nah nah.
Mike reappears.
MIKE
WHAT!?
QUASAR
I said I'm going!
Quasar rushes out the door.
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
Quasar rushes into the living room where Kevin is giving Liam
a makeover as Bippo watches.
KEVIN
And this shade will really cover
that bulbous forehead of yours.
LIAM
Bulbous!?
QUASAR
Guys, I need to find world leaders
Asap. You guys know any?
BIPPO
I know several dictators in the
middle east I can introduce you to
and I once met President Bush in
rehab.
QUASAR
Bush, yes... He shall be my first
stop. Take me to your bush, Bippo.
BIPPO
Shouldn't you buy me dinner first?
KEVIN
Say, can I go? I've always wanted
to meet the president.
LIAM
All right, let's make a roadtrip
out of it! Let's all go see the
president! We'll take the pick up!
QUASAR
Crappy earth transportation?
Sorry, I'd rather travel in style.
Quasar whistles and his COSMIC BOOGIE BOARD crashes through
the window and levitates in from of him. Everyone looks.
BIPPO
You know, this reminds me of that
comic book where the silver guy has
the surf board and...
QUASAR
This is different.
BIPPO
But it's really simil--
QUASAR
DIFFERENT! Everyone hop on.
Everyone gets on the cosmic boogie board and they all crash
out the window and sail into the night sky.
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER
Nightflyer, Colossal Chunk, Ultrawoman, Blue Fairy, and
Captain Spaz are sitting around the meeting table.
NIGHTFLYER
I don't trust him. He's got to
have some kind of ulterior motive.
ULTRAWOMAN
I totally agree, Nightflyer.
BLUE FAIRY
I don't. I say we let him in.
ULTRAWOMAN
Are you seriously suggesting giving
the man who charged $100 a head to
save orphans from a fire and then
$500 for the rest of their bodies?
BLUE FAIRY
I will be the first to admit that
Capeman's methods are wanting to
say the least, but you can't tell
me you haven't noticed a change in
him since he got hit on the head a
few months back.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
He's an asshole.
BLUE FAIRY
True, but he's a well known and
tremendously powerful asshole.
Adding him to the lineup could
finally add credibility to the
Justice Squad. Tell me you're not
tired of doing seat belt PSAs!
NIGHTFLYER
He's unstable, he's self-centered,
he's a dick...
BLUE FAIRY
And he knows something WE don't!
ULTRAWOMAN
What do you mean?
BLUE FAIRY
I've.. Noticed that over the last
few months, Capeman's been going
out of his way to rescue people and
making sure that people take a
certain path... It's almost as if
he's putting pawns in place.
NIGHTFLYER
But for what purpose?
BLUE FAIRY
I don't know. If it's for good, we
should know about it and if it's
for evil... Well, you know the old
saying: Keep your friends close and
your enemies closer.
Everyone thinks about that.
NIGHTFLYER
I say we put it to a vote.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
A second that.
ULTRAWOMAN
All right. I will freely admit
that, as far as I know, I'm the
closest person that Capeman has to
a friend... He may trust me, but I
don't trust him. I say we deny his
petition for membership.
BLUE FAIRY
You've heard my reasons. With all
due respect to Ultrawoman... I say
we let him in.
NIGHTFLYER
Capeman's a menace. I say no.
COLOSSAL CHUNK
Chunk say let funny Capeman in.
CAPTAIN SPAZ
You guys may think he's changed,
but he take every opportunity to
tell me how useless my powers are.
I say that not only do we not allow
him membership, but we leave a
flaming bag of dog doo on his front
step.
ULTRAWOMAN
The vote is 3-2. Capeman is denied
membership.
NIGHTFLYER
Huzzah!
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER - ANOTHER ROOM
Capeman is listening through the wall.
EXT. WASHINGTON DC - THE WHITE HOUSE
Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar arrive on the front lawn.
INT. THE OVAL OFFICE
GEORGE W. BUSH is leaning back in his chair making paper
airplanes when the intercom goes off.
SECRETARY
(over intercom)
Mister President, there's a funny
looking kid, a man selling make-up,
a clown, and a blue guy with a
boogie board here to see you.
The president mulls that over, opens his desk drawer, takes
out a bottle of Kentucky Red Eye, and tosses it out the
window.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Send them in, but tell them to wipe
their feet.
Liam, Quasar, Kevin, and Bippo enter.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Bippo! WASSAP!!??
BIPPO
WASSSAP!?
GEORGE W. BUSH
WASSSSAP!
BIPPO
WASSSSSSSSSSSAP!
George W. Bush picks up the phone.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Yo, Dicky! Pick up the phone!
INT. DICK CHANEY'S OFFICE
Vice President Dick Chaney picks up the phone.
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY
Hello?
INTERCUT
GEORGE W. BUSH
WASSSSSSSUP!?
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY
WASSSSSSSUP!
BIPPO
WASSSSSSSUP!?
INT. A BUNKER
TONY BLAIR picks up the phone.
TONY BLAIR
Ahoy?
INTERCUT
GEORGE W. BUSH
WASSSSSSSSSUP!
TONY BLAIR
WASSSSSSSUP!?
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY
WASSSSSSSUP!?
BIPPO
WASSSSSSSUP!
INT. THE VATICAN
The Pope picks up the phone.
THE POPE
Hello?
INTERCUT
GEORGE W. BUSH
WAAAAAASSSSSSSSUP!
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY
WAAAAAAAAAASSSSSUPPPPP!?
TONY BLAIR
WASSSSSSSUP!!??
BIPPO
WAAAAAAAAASUUUUUUUUUUUP!?
THE POPE
(annoyed)
SHADDUP!
GEORGE W. BUSH
SHAAAADUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH...
TONY BLAIR
...UUUUUUUUUUUUH....
VICE PRESIDENT DICK CHANEY
...UUUUUUUUUUUUUH....
BIPPO
...UUUUUUUUUUUUH...
THE POPE
(Tongue sticking out)
...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUP!
The Pope hangs up, Bippo hangs up, Dick Chaney hangs up,
Tony Blair hangs up, George W. Bush hangs up.
LIAM
Man, that bit's really gotten old.
GEORGE W. BUSH
So, how can I help you boys?
Quasar, Kevin, and Liam look at each other and shrug.
QUASAR
Mister President, I'm Quasar the
herald of Mike.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Uh-huh.
QUASAR
I'm here to inform you that in
twelve cycles, you sphere will be
ingested by the überbeing known
throughout existence... as Mike.
BIPPO, KEVIN, LIAM
WHAT!?
GEORGE W. BUSH
(blank look)
Whoa! Whoa! Hold up there Wordy
McBigWords! And that means what?
QUASAR
In twelve of your hours, my
master... The omnipotent being
known as Mike will take your world
and consume it entirely.
GEORGE W. BUSH
(blank look)
Buh?
QUASAR
(to Liam)
YOU elected this guy?
LIAM
Don't blame me. My vote didn't
count!
QUASAR
(to Bush)
My boss is coming to eat the Earth.
GEORGE W. BUSH
Well, as long as he doesn't mess
with America, we're okay!
KEVIN
But America is on earth!
GEORGE W. BUSH
What? I though that was one of
those big islandy thingies... You
know like Australia.
LIAM
A continent?
GEORGE W. BUSH
Yes, as long as he eats the
continent of earth, than he'll have
no trouble with us.
BIPPO
Earth is a planet.
GEORGE W. BUSH
So?
KEVIN
America is ON Earth.
George W. Bush thinks about that.
GEORGE W. BUSH
My... GOD!
(a beat)
I forgot to order lunch.
Quasar throws his hands up in frustration. Liam takes Quasar
to the side.
LIAM
You mean to tell me that this Mike
guy is going to eat the entire
Earth?
QUASAR
It's what he does. He sends me
before him so that I can instill
fear in everyone and then he comes
and eats the planet like a pumpkin
pie.
KEVIN
And you thought nothing of telling
us this?
QUASAR
You guys didn't tell me what YOU
did for a living!
BIPPO
This is terrible! Mike can't eat
the Earth! It's where I keep all
my stuff!
LIAM
Is there any way we can stop him?
QUASAR
Mike? I don't think so. I mean,
I've seen the most powerful beings
of dozens of worlds turned into
hors'devours when they went up
against Mike's might.
LIAM
Well, there must be SOME way!
George W. Bush jumps up.
GEORGE W. BUSH
I've got it!
Everyone looks at the president.
KEVIN
What?
GEORGE W. BUSH
I'll have a meatball sub for lunch!
Everyone stares at the president and then turns back to the
conversation.
LIAM
But you can't just let Mike keep
destroying worlds!
QUASAR
Yeah, it is kind of a bummer... All
right, I'll humor you guys for a
while and help you. You know any
superhumans?
LIAM
A few.
EXT. THE WHITE HOUSE
Liam, Quasar, Bippo, and Kevin get on the Cosmic Boogie Board
and fly off.
FADE TO:
INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS BASEMENT
JESSE GLASPEY and JOHNATHAN KRUGER are sitting in chairs
watching TV and smoking pot.
JOHNATHAN
Okay, guess what I am.
Johnathan sits still.
JESSE
You're chopped ham.
JOHNATHAN
DAMN! You win again!
Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar run down the stairs.
Johnathan and Jesse quickly hide their joints under their
seat cushions.
LIAM
Guys! We need your help!
JOHNATHAN
Did you hear that, Jesse? Someone
came to us for help!
JESSE
At last, The Cosmic Weasel and Dr.
Wham is gaining a reputation in the
crime fighting world!
LIAM
Actually, we went looking for
Capeman and couldn't find him.
KEVIN
The Justice Squad is on the moon.
BIPPO
Bahama Mön., The Texan, The Big
Apple, Superguy, Black Puma, and
all the other superheroes are
unavailable.
LIAM
And Mr. T is off fighting the
Turkish Mafia.
BIPPO
You were our last choice.
JESSE
BUT... We were chosen and that's a
step up! What can we help you
with?
Johnathan's and Jesse's chairs catch fire from the joints.
BIPPO
Well, for one you can put out your
furniture.
JESSE
They'll burn out.
LIAM
This is Quasar.
QUASAR
The herald of Mike.
LIAM
Mike's his boss.
QUASAR
And he's coming to eat the world.
LIAM
Can you stop him?
JOHNATHAN
Pitting the might of Cosmic Weasel
and Dr. Wham against some guy named
Mike? This should be a short
fight!
JESSE
Where can we find this... Mike?
QUASAR
Space... He should be about 34
million miles from galactic north.
Jesse and Johnathan stare blankly.
QUASAR
Up.
JOHNATHAN
Right!
Jesse looks over at the flaming furniture and finally throws
bong water on it, smothering the flames.
JESSE
Damn nogahide
(Beat)
To the Weasel Wagon!
JOHNATHAN
The Weasel Wagon!
A pause.
JOHNATHAN
The Weasel Wagon?
JESSE
Yeah, it's a spaceship I bought
from the Paramount backlot.
JOHNATHAN
I thought we agreed to discuss
major purchases.
JESSE
Later...
DOCTOR WHAM
NO! If I went out and bought a car
and called it... oh, I don't
know... the Wham-moblie, you'd have
a cardiac!
JESSE
The Wham-mobile? Dude, that's gay.
We'll discuss this later! Now,
there's a Mike in space who
seriously needs an ass-kicking! TO
THE WEASEL WAGON!
JOHNATHAN
(less than enthusiastic)
The...
(sigh)
...Weasel Wagon.
Jesse and Johnathan grab some fireman's poles and slide down.
They stop after sliding about five feet where their heads are
still visible.
JESSE
That was fun. LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!
LIAM
We are soooooo doomed.
EXT. EARTH ORBIT
The Delta Flyer from Star Trek: Voyager blasts off. On the
side, the words WEASEL WAGON have been crudely spray painted
on the side.
INT. THE JUSTICE SQUAD WATCHTOWER
Capeman and Ultrawoman are walking down the corridor.
ULTRAWOMAN
Capeman, I'm sorry that we turned
you down, but you've given us very
little choice. You past actions
have been... Well... Horrible!
That's not something we want in the
Justice Squad.
CAPEMAN
My getting in to this group is
important! More important than you
can imagine!
ULTRAWOMAN
Why?
Capeman is silent.
ULTRAWOMAN
Let me guess, you can't tell me
just like you couldn't tell Blue
Fairy why you had him de-age Thad
Coffey or why you all of the sudden
ended your partnership with Jason
Donner. Capeman, the Squad needs
unconditional trust and, frankly,
that's not something you can give
us.
She happens to look out the window.
ULTRAWOMAN
Isn't that the Delta Flyer from
Voyager?
CAPEMAN
I'm using my X-Ray vision... Hey,
that's Cosmic Rodent and Doctor
Boom or something.
ULTRAWOMAN
Cosmic Weasel and Doctor Wham?
CAPEMAN
Yeah, that's them. You know 'em?
ULTRAWOMAN
I met them briefly when they
applied for membership. I think we
hurt their feelings when we just
sat there and laughed at them for
an hour.
CAPEMAN
Ouch.
ULTRAWOMAN
See? It CAN be worse.
CAPEMAN
(squints, then horrified)
What the HELL is THAT!?
INT. THE WEASEL WAGON
COSMIC WEASEL and DOCTOR WHAM sit at the controls.
DOCTOR WHAM
Does it smell funny in here to you?
Kind of a stale smell that never
changes?
COSMIC WEASEL
Must be lingering traces of Robert
Beltran. His acting always stunk.
They laugh. Cosmic Weasel points.
COSMIC WEASEL
THERE! I see a fat man floating in
outer space!
They look. Sure enough, there is a dumpy fat man in a mu-mu
floating in space.
DOCTOR WHAM
He doesn't look so tough.
COSMIC WEASEL
Let's smack this bitch up!
Doctor Wham and Cosmic Weasel give each other high fives and
laugh as the ship gets closer to Mike. As it does, Mike gets
bigger and bigger and bigger and just keeps getting bigger.
It's now more and obvious that Mike is humongous. Cosmic
Weasel and Doctor Wham's laughter fades and becomes a faint
whimpering and crying. Mike's voice booms into the small
ship as his belly button fills the veiwports.
MIKE
WHO DARES DISTURBITH MIKE: THE
DEVOURER OF WORLDS!?
COSMIC WEASEL
(crying, high pitched
voice)
Wham?
DOCTOR WHAM
(crying, high voice)
Yeah?
COSMIC WEASEL
(crying)
He's going to kill us.
DOCTOR WHAM
(bawling)
I know-oh-oh-ohhhhh!
EXT. SPACE
MIKE'S colossal and flabby hand swats the Weasel Wagon
exploding it in a million firery pieces.
EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS ROOF
Liam, Kevin, Bippo, and Quasar are looking through a
telescope.
LIAM
Oh my God! He just KILLED Cosmic
Weasel and Doctor Wham!
FADE OUT:
TO BE CONTINUED!!!