THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 3.02 - "...Into the Fire"
Written by Jason Donner
PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW...
---
Episode 3.01 - "Out of the Frying Pan..."
---
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
DONNER
Aw, hell... ALL RIGHT! Enough with
the moping and the trying times and
the shooting of insects and stuff!
I'm taking all of you to the
Bahamas!
---
INT. NASSAU AIRPORT
Liam, Thad, Elvis, Bippo, Donner, and the professor disembark
the plane and enter the airport.
LIAM
Wow! I can't believe that we're in
the Bahamas! Four-thousand miles
away from almost all of my problems
and pain!
---
EXT. THE STRAW MARKET
Thad and Bippo make their way through the crowded market.
Bippo is reading a pamphlet.
BIPPO
Wow, it says here that the vendors
in the Straw Market lease their
spaces for a dollar a day and
usually don't vacate them until the
day they die.
---
DYNA
Dyna, at your service.
She tousles Thad's hair.
DYNA
Oh, such a handsome young man!
Such a good looker deserves an
instrument of higha' quality. Take
dis one.
She hands Thad a hand carved wooden flute adorned in ribbon.
THAD
It beautiful, but I can't afford
it.
---
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
The Musician enters.
MUSICIAN
I know dat you practice sandria.
DYNA
I have no idea what you're talking
about, now get outta here before--
MUSICIAN
You practice the forbidden black
arts.
---
DYNA
I cast the spell of ill fate. Dis
man you despise will have poor luck
until his heart turns pure or until
he dies... Whichever comes first.
Here is your five year or 2000
curse guarantee.
---
INT. THE HOTEL
Elvis and Donner enter. Donner looks like he's been through
a blender.
ARTURO
Donner, what hap--?
DONNER
Don't ask.
THAD
Do I smell birdsh--?
DONNER
DON'T!!!
Donner stomps off.
ELVIS
Poor guy's had a bad day.
---
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
As before. Dyna tosses the hair into the cauldron.
DYNA
And now, the spell of Akinis!
Alanis shania... Aretha Uma Oprah
KEANU!!! Go, my werewolf! GO AND
KILL!!!
---
INT. THE HALLWAY OUTSIDE THAD'S ROOM
ELVIS
He's wolfed out!
BIPPO
Doy!
LIAM
HOW? He's still got his werewolf
patch on!
---
INT. THAD'S ROOM
Liam stops. He sees something.
LIAM
Aw, crap. Guys, we have a problem.
Arturo, Bippo, and Elvis runs to him and looks.
ARTURO
Indeed we have, Liam... Indeed we
have.
The camera pivots around to reveal a window. It's been
broken and the curtains flap in the wind. Lightning flashes
outside as a storm builds. Somewhere on the island, a wolf
howl echoes.
---
AND NOW, THE CONTINUATION...
---
THEME SONG (Sung to "Who Let the Dogs Out" - I'm Sorry).
Well the vacation was nice and there were no worries
(yippie ya yo)
Until the Thad man went all out nuts!
(yippie ya yo)
Now the gang must hurry up and find him.
(yippie ya yo)
Before he spatters the Bahamas with guts!
(and other innards!)
Who let the dog out?
(woof, woof, woof, woof, woof!)
Who let the dog out?
(woof, woof, woof, woof!)
Who let the dog--- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
(The werewolf jumps on the Baha Men and devours them)
Werewolf: Rolay!
---
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
and
John Ryhs-Davies
as
"Professor Arturo"
ALSO STARRING
Mike Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
and
Grammy Recording Artist, Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Della Reese
as
Madame Dyna
Taye Diggs
as
"Bahama Mön"
and
Morgan Freeman
as
"LaFay"
INTRODUCING
Seann William Scott
INT. DONNER'S ROOM
DONNER comes out of the shower wearing a robe. He's got a
huge bruise on his forehead.
DONNER
Ow! I can't believe I slipped and
fell in the shower... Three times!
God, it's like I've been cursed or
something if I believed in all that
hocus pocus voodoo mumbo jumbo!
There is a knocking/scratching at his door.
DONNER
Ah, That must be room service... or
the masseuse... Or the personal
trainer... or the aromatherapist...
Donner walks over and opens the door. The massive
THAD/WEREWOLF Is there growling and drooling. Donner slams
the door and looks at the camera. He then opens the door
again, looks, and slams it again.
DONNER
Okay, I was wrong... Today COULD
get worse.
The werewolf begins to beat on the door.
DONNER
GAH!
Donner runs for it as the werewolf SMASHES THROUGH the door.
DONNER
YOU STUPID DOG-MAN! I'M NOT PAYING
FOR THAT DOOR!
The werewolf turns towards him. Donner screams like a little
girly man and runs for the balcony.
EXT. THE BALCONY
Donner runs out and locks the glass door behind him.
DONNER
GREAT! JUST GREAT!
He begins to climb down the side of the balcony in an attempt
to escape. The werewolf crashes through the glass door and
tries to get at him, but Donner is too far out of reach.
DONNER
HA! HA! HA! Big stupid bag of
fleas! You'll never hurt me down--
The metal rod he is holding onto begins to bend and break.
DONNER
Why me? Why couldn't this happen
to poor people?
EXT. THE HOTEL
Near the pool, Liam, Arturo, Bippo, and Elvis are searching
for Thad.
ARTURO
He's not in the hotel.
ELVIS
No sightings on the island so far.
BIPPO
I checked the women's bathroom four
times and didn't see him.
LIAM
Damn! Thad's a werewolf and he's
running amok on the island! He
could be anywhere!
DONNER
(off camera)
MOTHER OF FU--!!!
Donner falls into the pool from above. The gang turns around
and sees him.
ARTURO
Donner?
Donner swims to the edge and pulls himself up.
DONNER
OW! OW! I have chlorine in my
eyes! Chlorine!
Donner runs to the beach to wash the chlorine out of his
eyes.
DONNER
OW! OW! SALT WATER STINGING EYES!
Donner runs back to the pool.
DONNER
GAH! CHLORINE!!!
Donner runs back to the beach. He trips and falls and comes
up with an octopus stuck to his face.
DONNER
AAAHHHH!!! IT'S GOING TO LAY IT'S
EGGS IN MY STOMACH!!!
CHESTBURSTER!!! CHESTBURSTER!!!
Bippo runs up and yanks the octopus off of Donner's face
spraying Donner with a healthy amount of ink.
DONNER
INK!!! INK IN MY EYES!!! INK IN MY
EYES!!!
Arturo catches him and slaps him.
ARTURO
GET AHOLD OF YOURSELF!!!
Arturo slaps him again. Elvis stops him.
ELVIS
Professor! Stop that! You're
doing it wrong!
Elvis slaps Donner several times. Bippo runs up and stops
him.
BIPPO
No, no, no! Put your back into it.
DONNER
Actually, I feel a lot better now.
Bippo smacks Donner several times. Camera pivots back to
reveal a long line of people forming behind Bippo all ready
to get a piece of Donner.
DONNER
GET OFFA ME!!! This ain't no
general admission slapping show and
if it is, I want a cut of the box
office!
Everyone groans and walks off.
ARTURO
Why are you dressed like that?
LIAM
What happened to you? Why did you
fall?
DONNER
Gravity, Liam. A lot like the
Professor's waistline.
ARTURO
How DARE you!?
DONNER
Easily, I assure you. Now, as to
what happened to me and why I'm
dressed in my robe... Your freaking
pet werewolf tried to turn me into
Alpho in the shower!
BIPPO
What was Thad doing in your shower,
you naughty man?
LIAM
Thad came after you?
DONNER
Yeah! Me! Of all people, why me?
ARTURO
Because you're a selfish, self
centered waste of space who took no
qualms about making fun of him and
ridiculing him for your own twisted
amusement?
DONNER
The question wasn't directed at
you, okay Professor Wiseass?
What's with the shaggy man anyway?
Someone piss in his flea bath this
morning?
BIPPO
(sheepishly)
Would... That have anything to do
with it?
LIAM
He just transformed for no reason
at all and went nuts. I guess he
went after you out of pure
instinct.
DONNER
Well, that's not the only thing
that stinks.
LIAM
But... Why? Why after a year,
would he just turn totally evil?
ELVIS
Maybe...
There is a scream. The gang runs out of frame to
investigate. Donner trips and lands head-first into a
garbage can.
DONNER
DAMMIT!!!
EXT. THE HOTEL
In an alleyway, there is a small crowd around a body. A
couple of policemen are keeping them at bay. Liam and the
gang runs up and are stopped by the police.
POLICEMAN
Stop! No farther! You canna see
dis, it's too gruesome.
LIAM
It's all right, we're Americans.
We're desensitized.
POLICEMAN
Oh, well go on through den.
They do. Arturo bends over and inspects the body.
ARTURO
Torn to pieces. This is the work
of our wayward werewolf.
POLICEMAN
WEREWOLF?
ARTURO
Who was the victim?
POLICEMAN
A shopkeeper in dee straw market.
He sold beads, wood carvings, and
pirated copies of Kari Wuhrer
movies.
LIAM
WHY, GOD!!! WHY!!!
(silently, to Arturo)
We need to find Thad quick!
ARTURO
Agreed.
(sniffs)
Do I smell garbage?
DONNER
(sour)
Shut up.
They walk off.
POLICEMAN
A werewolf, eh? DIS looks like a
job for Bahama Mön!
The policeman rips off his shirt revealing that he is, BAHAMA
MÖN!
BAHAMA MÖN
Yes, Bahama Mön... Dee sworn
protector of dah Bahamas! Dee
large older brother of the
oppressed who beats up the bullies
who prey on dee innocent! Dee itch
on evil's back that it just can't
reach! The pigeon on wrong's new
BMW! As GOD is my witness, I will
DESTROY dis werewolf!
Bahama Mön flies off into the night.
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
The werewolf is stalking it's prey in a dark alley.
DYNA (V.O.)
Dere, my werewolf. Dat is dee home
of your next victim, now attack my
killer... ATTACK!
The werewolf jumps through a window, after which we hear all
sorts of screaming and crunching sounds. After a few
seconds, the werewolf jumps back out of the window and runs
into the night.
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
Madame Dyna is watching the carnage on a crystal ball.
DYNA
Excellent! Soon, I will be
successful and my competitors will
be dead! HA! HA! HA! HA!
CUT TO:
INT. A HUT
Someone unseen is watching Dyna on another crystal ball. A
hand sprinkles a powder over the ball. It switches to
Thad/Werewolf stalking the streets.
VOICE
Thad, can you hear me?
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
Thad/Werewolf is sniffing around looking for his next victim
when he reacts to the voice.
VOICE (V.O.)
Thad, can you hear me?
Thad/Werewolf growls.
VOICE (V.O.)
Come to me, Thad. I can help you.
Thad/Werewolf stops growling and turns, but before he can
sprint off, BAHAMA MON lands in front of him.
BAHAMA MÖN
Dere! Foul abomination of nature,
you have killed yet another
innocent vendor of Nassau's straw
market and for that, you will feel
the wrath, the fist, and a couple
of other body parts of BAHAMA
MON!!!
Thad/Werewolf attacks. Bahama Mon effortlessly knocks him to
the side and into the side of a building.
BAHAMA MÖN
Foolish cur! You are the buzzing
of a gnat! The hum of a mosquito!
The rantings of Rush Limbuagh!
Thad/Werewolf attacks again. Bahama Mon knocks him to the
side again.
BAHAMA MÖN
KILLER!!! MURDERER!!!
He punches the werewolf.
BAHAMA MÖN
MONSTER!!! ABOMINATION!!!
He kicks the werewolf into the air.
BAHAMA MÖN
TOURIST!!!
EXT. NASSAU TOWN
Liam, Arturo, Bippo, Elvis, and Donner are walking along the
darkened streets.
BIPPO
Thad! Here boy! Here boy!
Bippo does a dog whistle.
ARTURO
I don't get it... We've found three
bodies... All vendors at the straw
market, does that seem odd to
anyone else?
BIPPO
(laughing)
That reminds me of something funny
I was reading in part whu... Uh, I
mean earlier today. Did you know
that vendors in the straw market
lease their spaces for a dollar a
day and keep them until the day
they die?
DONNER
(scratches chin)
Die, you say?
LIAM
This is crazy! This island is five
miles across and nineteen miles
long! We'll never find Thad at
this rate!
DONNER
(scratches chin)
Rates, you say?
ARTURO
Does anyone hear that pathetic
howling sound?
DONNER
(scratches chin)
Sound, you say?
The howling gets louder and louder.
ELVIS
Where's it coming from?
KER-POW!!! The werewolf lands on Donner flattening him.
LIAM
SWEET JESUS!
DONNER
GAH!!! GET HIM OFF ME!!! GET HIM
OFF ME!!! HE'S GOING TO KILL
ME!!! I'M TOO RICH TO DIE!!!
The others rush over and pull the werewolf off of him.
LIAM
Whoa! Whoa! It's all right, he's
just unconscious!
BIPPO
Looks like he went twelve rounds in
a tag team match with Gentle Ben
and a weed whacker
ELVIS
Who could have done this?
As if on cue, BAHAMA MON lands and points at the werewolf.
BAHAMA MÖN
Stand aside, clueless tourists! I
must destroy that werewolf!
LIAM
You can't! You mustn't! You
shant!
BAHAMA MÖN
I can, I must, and I shan. He's
killed and killed and killed and
he'll kill again unless I stop his
reign of terror. There's a
pattern, you see.
DONNER
Not so fast... Uh... Who are you?
BAHAMA MÖN
Bahama Mon, the hiccup during
evil's monologue... The two-ply
toilet paper on the ass of
wrongness! The festered zit on
crimes nose on date night! The
viagra to...
DONNER
I get the idea. Would you guys
distract this bozo for a few
minutes.
LIAM
How?
DONNER
I don't know... BE CREATIVE!!!
Donner gets out a cell phone and walks off to the side.
Bippo, Elvis, Arturo, and Liam look at each other and shrug.
They then join hands and begin dancing around Bahama Mon.
EVERYONE
Hey, hey! We're distracting you!
Hey, hey! We're distracting you!
ON DONNER
Donner has a cell phone.
DONNER
I guess since I'm not alone I can
call him. I mean, he did say he
was going to kill me next time
we're alone together... But if I
don't call him, Thad's going to get
creamed!
(a beat)
Not that I care, but then everyone
else will get bummed and...
(a beat, he dials)
Capeman, listen to me... No, don't
hang up. Look, I know that we're
not exactly on the best of terms
right now, but I need your help...
Okay, I don't need your help but
Thad Coffey does... You know, the
werewolf guy? Well, he's running
amok in the Bahamas and this guy
named Bahama Mon is trying to kill
him. Capeman? Capeman, did you
hang up on me?
CAPEMAN (O.S.)
About five seconds ago.
DONNER
GAH!
Donner whirls around and sees Capeman.
DONNER
Don't DO that! And DON'T hurt me!
CAPEMAN
(ignoring Donner)
Sorry I'm late, but I had to drop
off a movie at Blockbuster. You
say that Bahama Mon is trying to
kill Thad?
DONNER
Yeah, but...
CAPEMAN
Say no more.
Capeman marches over to Bahama Mon who is, by now, dancing
with everyone else.
BAHAMA MÖN
Hey, hey! We're distracting you!
Hey, hey! We're...
CAPEMAN
Merv?
BAHAMA MÖN
GAH! Capeman? What brings you to
dee islands. Is this another two
bit scheme of yours to make more
money?
CAPEMAN
I'm beyond that now, Merv...
Listen, I have to talk to you.
Capeman puts his arm around Bahama Mon's shoulder and leads
him away and begins talking to him.
CAPEMAN
What I'm about to tell you cannot
be repeated, understand?
BAHAMA MÖN
Yeah, mon.
Capeman begins to talk to Bahama Mon, but we can't hear what
they're saying.
LIAM
What are they saying?
ARTURO
I don't have the foggiest.
Capeman and Bahama Mon walk back over to them.
BAHAMA MÖN
My apologies, my friends. We must
get your pet werewolf to a doctor.
LIAM
Wait a minute, Capeman... You came
all the way to the Bahama's to save
Thad's life? Why?
CAPEMAN
Let's just say, I have my reasons.
Capeman flies away. Bahama Mon walks over to the spot where
Thad landed.
DONNER
What a freak.
ARTURO
That freak just saved the day...
There's something different about
him. More mature... More...
DONNER
Yeah, blah... Blah... Blah.... It
was my free 100 minutes a month
from AT&T that saved Thad too and I
don't see any of you kissing my ass
for it.
BAHAMA MÖN
He's gone!
DONNER
Who's gone?
BAHAMA MÖN
Dee werewolf! He's gone!
ELVIS
Must've gotten away while Capeman
and Bahama Mon were talking.
They looks down at the ground and see a little trail of blood
that leads into the trees.
BAHAMA MÖN
At least he left us a trail.
BIPPO
Like Handsel and Gretle... Only
it's blood, not breadcrumbs and a
ferocious man-eating werewolf, not
a couple cute kids. Let's hope to
GOD there's a candy house in our
future!
LIAM
Then, what are we waiting for?
Let's go find him!
They venture into the trees and overgrowth. Elvis pushes a
branch out of the way and unknowingly sends it smashing into
Donner's face.
DONNER
DAMMIT!!!
BLACK.
Overhead, there are towering thunderheads. The camera pans
down to THAD standing on a rocky surface.
THAD
Hello? Anyone there? Where am I?
DEEP EVIL VOICE
Thad Coffey...
THAD
Yo?
The thunderstorms coalesces into the face of a wolf. This is
the WOLF-GOD
WOLF-GOD
You troubling little cub.
THAD
Eep!
WOLF-GOD
Well, go on... What do you have to
say for yourself?
THAD
Don't kill me?
WOLF-GOD
Kill you? Why would I want to kill
you when I am the one who spawned
the entire race of being to which
you belong
THAD
Whu..!? Who are you?
WOLF-GOD
I am... THE WOLF-GOD!!!
INT. A HUT
The werewolf is lying on a table breathing softly. It is
severely injured. The camera pulls back to reveal a man in
robes sprinkling powder over the body. He is Lafay.
LAFAY
You poor creature.
Liam, Elvis, Bippo, Arturo, and Bahama Mon enter.
LIAM
The trail leads in here and... HEY!
Who are you and what are you doing
to Thad?
LAFAY
Relax, my friends... I have been
expecting you. I am LaFay... A
visitor to this land. I am a
disciple of Voodoo.
ELVIS
(alarmed)
Voodoo!?
LAFAY
Yes, but do not let your American
preconceptions color your judgement
of me... Voodoo is not an evil
practice.
He sprinkles more powder on the werewolf.
DONNER
What is that? Some kind of mind
control or zombie dilly powder?
LAFAY
It's potpourri... This creature
stinks.
BAHAMA MÖN
What are you doing here, Voodoo
priest? You know that Christianity
is the primary religion here.
LAFAY
Like I said, Bahama Mon... I am a
visitor here following an evil
woman using Sandria.
LIAM
Sandria?
ARTURO
It's the opposite of Voodoo. An
evil practice of mind control and
zombification.
LAFAY
Correct, professor Arturo.
ARTURO
You know my name?
LAFAY
I know all about you and your
friends. Elvis, the lost son.
Liam, the child of destiny. And
the creature bordering on the thin
line between darkness and light.
BIPPO
Thad, huh? Well, what about me?
LAFAY
I WAS talking about you.
BIPPO
Ah, touche!
DONNER
Look, Tammy Faye...
LAFAY
LaFay.
DONNER
Whatever. What the hell are you
doing with the Thad man?
LAFAY
He is cursed by the evil one, Dyna.
BIPPO
That woman in the straw market?
LAFAY
The same. She cursed him to be her
slave.
ARTURO
Why? I mean, Thad Coffey is
probably one of the most useless
people in the world!
LIAM
I hate to say it, but he's right.
We've been working together at
Circus Circus for over two years
and I STILL don't know what he does
there!
LAFAY
That, I do not know. All I do know
is that Dyna is using Thad as an
assassin for a devious purpose.
BIPPO
Wait a minute! This reminds me of
something!
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
EXT. THE STRAW MARKET
Thad and Bippo make their way through the crowded market.
Bippo is reading a pamphlet.
BIPPO
Wow, it says here that the vendors
in the Straw Market lease their
spaces for a dollar a day and
usually don't vacate them until the
day they die.
RIPPLE DISSOLVE
TO:
INT. LAFAY'S HUT
As before
BIPPO
Nah, I'm sure it isn't relevant.
LAFAY
If only we knew her motives.
DONNER
Yeah, yeah... Blah, blah, blah...
Can you PLEASE say something
useful?
LAFAY
Of course, cursed one.
DONNER
Excuse moi?
LAFAY
Yes, Dyna placed a curse of ill
fate on you. Have you not noticed
the bad luck you've been having?
DONNER
I have not not noticed the... No
wait, I have not not not noticed
the bad luck! It's just a bunch of
hockum and horseshi--
WHAM! A little section of the ceiling falls on him.
LAFAY
You were saying?
DONNER
ARG! That WITCH!
ARTURO
Look, enough about Donner... Let's
talk about something worth wasting
breath over. What can you do for
Thad?
LAFAY
I have opened the door for him, it
is up to him to go through it.
EXT. THE DARK PLACE
The dark clouds above form the face of the WOLF-GOD. THAD
looks up in awe.
THAD
Awe! What do you want from me?
WOLF-GOD
I want nothing, Thad... Just for
you to stop this senseless charade
you are living... You are a
werewolf. You're better than what
you are.
THAD
Oh, so I suppose you're going to
tell me the same load of crap that
the brotherhood did about humans
being our prey?
WOLF-GOD
I've never spoken to them... That
honor I have reserved for you, one
in whom I see great potential.
THAD
I don't kill.
WOLF-GOD
Never?
THAD
Well, at least not on purpose...
Not for fun.
WOLF-GOD
Brave words, Thad... But you can't
control the wolf.
THAD
Maybe I can learn.
WOLF-GOD
Many have tried and all have
failed. You will be no different.
Thad is silent for a long time.
THAD
I'm tired of being a failure. I
was a failure in high school, a
failure as a son, a failure at
work, and a failure as a human
being... Now I'm not a human being
anymore. I guess I should be
seeing this as a new beginning and
not a handicap. Didn't that old
dead Chinese guy say something
about turning weaknesses into
strengths?
WOLF-GOD
Cunfucious?
THAD
No, for the first time I
understand! To hell with you, to
hell with the brotherhood, and to
hell with what anyone thinks! I am
a werewolf! I've been trying to
hide it and deny it and even
looking for cures for the last two
years, but I'm not going to do that
anymore! I KNOW that I can control
the werewolf... If the brotherhood
taught me anything, they taught me
that. No, I'm not going to control
the wolf... I'm going to embrace
it. I hate to sound like an after
school special, but the only way
you can control something is to
make it a a part of myself.
WOLF-GOD
You're mad!
THAD
I don't think so.
WOLF-GOD
You'll never suceed!
THAD
(a grin)
I just did.
CUT TO:
EXT. A LIGHT PLACE
Thad is standing in the middle of a green pasture.
LAFAY
Congratulations, Thad.
THAD
I know you, don't I?
LAFAY
In a way. You have learned what
many never can... To truly turn a
fault into a strength, you must
accept it.
THAD
Yeah, that's great and all... But
I'm really confused now. Where are
we?
LAFAY
This is a place of your own
choosing.
THAD
Wait, you mean like one of those
television episodes where
everything takes place inside a
character's mind?
LAFAY
In a sense.
THAD
I hate those.
LAFAY
I do too.
THAD
So... What exactly HAS happened, I
mean... I don't feel any different.
LAFAY
It's time for you to rejoin your
friends in the awake. Take the
blue pill and you'll wake up in my
hut where I have tended your
injures. Take the red pill, and...
THAD
You're kidding, right?
LAFAY
Hey, don't blame me! I'm just a
figment of your Matrix-influenced
imagination.
THAD
Got some water?
LAFAY
How about some beer, instead?
THAD
Now you are talking MY language!
INT. THE HUT - THAD'S POV
Thad slowly opens his eyes and gets up. He sees Lafay.
LAFAY
Welcome back, Thad.
He looks over and sees Liam, Arturo, Bippo, Elvis, and Bahama
Mon.
THAD
Hey guys.
Liam takes a step forward.
LIAM
Th-Thad?
THAD
Yeah?
ARTURO
How is this possible?
THAD
Guys, what's wrong?
BIPPO
This is soooo Twilight Zone!
THAD
What the HELL are you guys talking
about!?
DeFay steps forward and holds up a mirror. In the mirror, we
see the reflection of Thad/Werewolf.
LAFAY
See for yourself.
THAD/WEREWOLF
Hey, how come I'm a werewolf and
I'm talking and stuff?
LAFAY
Because you've cast out the wolf
demon and your urges to kill...
now, you and the werewolf are one
and free of Dyna's spell.
THAD/WEREWOLF
Excellent! It's like Teen Wolf
only not as eighties and no stupid
sequel! This is better than a
cure!
Thad/Werewolf changes back into Thad, but it's not the Thad
we're all used to. Rather, he is younger and physically
different.
THAD
Hey, look at this! I can even
change back to human whenever I
want! This is sort of like that
show on Fox Family... You know...
"Angela Anaconda"!
LIAM
But you look different. You're
younger.
Thad goes to a mirror.
THAD
Hey, you're right! I AM younger!
LaFay, how can I ever thank you?
DONNER
Try getting rid of MY curse!
LAFAY
I can't do that, Donner... You're
curse is your own and I can't--
DONNER
I'll give you five thousand
dollars.
LAFAY
Deal.
INT. MADAME DYNA'S SCENTS AND ELIXERS
Dyna is watching her crystal ball.
DYNA
Blast! I cannot see anything in
dis damn ball! Radio Shack is SO
going to hear about dis! Where is
my werewolf and why isn't he
killing my enemies!
Thad enters.
THAD
You talkin' to me?
DYNA
YOU! How did you find me?
THAD
It was easy. First, I had to ask
myself who would profit from the
deaths of other straw marketers...
When I didn't know, I asked the
professor and HE told me that if
someone - that being you - wanted
more market space, they'd have to
wait until their neighbors died or,
in this case, were horribly mauled
and killed and stuff by a zombified
werewolf - that being me. We
didn't think it was any small
coinkidink that all of the people
you wanted me to kill had shops
next to yours.
DYNA
I don't know how you escaped my
spell, but you'll never leave this
shop alive!
Lighting bolts shoot out of Dyna's hands and strike the
opposite wall. Thad wolf's out and jumps out of the way. He
bumps against a covered rack, causing a tarp to fall
revealing a giant STARBUCKS sign.
THAD/WEREWOLF
So THAT'S it! You're clearing the
way for the most evil chain of them
all to come to the Bahamas and rape
it's natural beauty!
DYNA
Yes, and soon Starbucks will take
over all dee Bahamas with ME in
control!
She fires again. Thad jumps out of the way.
THAD/WEREWOLF
NEVER! Now that I'm in total
control of the wolf, I'm faster,
stronger, and... Uh... Faster!
DYNA
But you are still stupid and you
won't be so fast when you're dead!
Dyna fires again. Thad is pinned under the giant Starbucks
sign.
DYNA
Good doggie, now play dead!
BAHAMA MON bursts through the wall.
BAHAMA MÖN
Not so fast, evil dooer!
DYNA
BAHAMA MON!
BAHAMA MÖN
Yes, the pop quiz during a
villain's school day! The cell
phone during evil's movie! The
hole in the condom of naughtiness!
Your days of being bad are
numbered!
DYNA
I think not! Good-bye, fools!
HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA!
Dyna throws down a pellet which erupts in a thick cloud of
smoke. The smoke clears and we see that she has been changed
into a white cat.
DYNA/CAT
What the...!? DAMMIT!!! Wrong
pellet!
Thad werewolf walks over and picks up the cat by the scruff
of the neck. Dyna protests as he turns to Bahama Mon.
THAD/WEREWOLF
Thanks for not killing me, Bahama
Mon.
BAHAMA MÖN
Think nothing of it, mon. Now that
you're no longer a slave to dee
wolf, I think that we may see more
of each other in dee future. So,
what are you going to do with her?
He points to Dyna/Cat.
THAD/WEREWOLF
You mean your not going to take her
to the proper authorities?
BAHAMA MÖN
Why bother with the paperwork?
INT. LAFAY'S HUT
Arturo, LaFay, Liam, Elvis, and Donner are present. Thad,
now human again, hands the cat to Bippo.
THAD
Have fun.
BIPPO
Oh, I will... But not until we
reach international waters. I'd
hate to break any local laws.
In the background, Donner is standing on one leg wearing
nothing but a grass skirt and repeating "Oh wata luna am!"
Over and over again.
THAD
Is this to cure Donner of his
curse?
LAFAY
(silently)
He's been cured over an hour... I'm
just doing this because I don't
like him very much.
THAD
Look, I wanted to thank you...
LAFAY
No thanks are necessary, Thad. All
I ask is that you be careful. The
demon wolf has been cast out, but
his call is seductive and he may
come to you in your weakest moment.
The temptation to take him back
will be great.
THAD
I'll be careful. So, what about
you?
LAFAY
I'm going home... But perhaps, if
fate is kind, we will meet again.
THAD
I hope so.
Thad and LaFay shake hands. LaFay heads for the door.
LAFAY
That's enough, Mr. Donner... You're
cured.
Donner collapses with exhaustion as LaFay leaves.
DONNER
Tae Bo ain't got nothing on that
work out! Talk about Abs of Steel!
Look at these babies!
LIAM
So, now that you're in control of
your wolf side now, what are you
going to do, Thad?
THAD
I don't know, but I feel as if I'm
staring a whole new chapter of my
life! No more worthless old Thad
Coffey... This is the birth of an
all new worthless Thad Coffey!
DONNER
Well, if the all new and equally
worthless Thad Coffey doesn't mind,
I've had enough of these islands
for a while. Let's go home!
EXT. THE WOODS
LaFay makes his way through the trees. Suddenly, he comes
upon CAPEMAN.
CAPEMAN
Is it done?
LAFAY
Yes, Capeman. Thad Coffey is in
full control and I gave him back
ten years of his life as you told
me to.
CAPEMAN
Good, he'll need it.
(a beat)
Blue Fairy, could you please take
off that disguise? You're creeping
me out!
POOF! LaFay changes into THE BLUE FAIRY.
BLUE FAIRY
One of these days you're going to
have to explain to me why I did
what I just did.
CAPEMAN
Someday, Blue Fairy, I will... But
now it's still a little hazy... I
knew it had to be done, but don't
know why. I have my reasons...
Let's just leave it at that for
now.
BLUE FAIRY
Whatever... if the Justice Squad
ever got wind of this... UGh! I
just hope we don't live to regret
it.
Blue Fairy flies off.
CAPEMAN
I hope we can live to do anything.
EXT. THE OCEAN - THE NEXT DAY
A giant cruise ship is sailing on the horizon.
EXT. THE CRUISE SHIP
Donner, Thad, Liam, Elvis, Bippo, and Arturo are on the deck.
Bippo is reading a GPS locator.
ARTURO
(to Thad)
Well, I have to admit, my boy, that
I'm not only glad that you are all
right, but that you've managed to
wrangle in that monsterous creature
you have a tendency to turn into.
DONNER
Yeah, but in some strange way I'm
going to miss you freaking out and
eating people for no reason.
Suddenly, a MUGGER walks up to them with a gun.
MUGGER
Gimmie all your money!
Thad instantly wolfs out and eats him.
DONNER
SONUVA--!!
Thad turns back.
BIPPO
BITCHIN!
LIAM
Thad...
THAD
Yeah?
Liam starts to say something, but changes his mind.
LIAM
Nevermind.
Thad belches loudly and picks a sock out of his teeth.
Bippo's GPS beeps.
BIPPO
INTERNATIONAL WATERS, BABY!
Bippo takes Dyna/Cat out of the bag.
BIPPO
Oh, I have so many nasty things
planed for you!
DYNA/CAT
How DARE you!
BIPPO
Easily.
LIAM
I'm not sure if I want to watch
this.
ELVIS
It's going to be gruesome, yet I
find I cannot turn away.
Suddenly, a brilliant white light shines from above.
ARTURO
What the fuh!?
Arturo, Elvis, Bippo, Thad, and Donner disappear.
BIPPO
(vanishing)
All right, anal probes for all!
EXT. THE CRUISE SHIP
A giant UFO hovers over the cruise ship. After it's light
beam clicks off, it shoots into the sky and out into space.
FADE OUT:
TO BE CONTINUED...!
Before freepolls shut down my review-its, this episode scored a 4.1 out of 5.