The Liam Smith Show
Episode 2.29 - "Silly Rabbit, Matrix Are For Kids!"
Written by Doug Bruzzone.


               INT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - Hallway. 

               Professor Arturo is dragging a box outside his apartment.

                                   ARTURO
                         Lousy Pentium 3!  Rot in Hades with
                         my last twelve computers!

               Liam walks by.

                                   LIAM
                         What are you doing?

                                   ARTURO
                         Getting rid of my damned computer.

                                   LIAM
                         Are you throwing it away?

                                   ARTURO
                         It's better this way, my boy.  No
                         one else has to suffer at its
                         twisted, evil keyboard.

                                   LIAM
                         So it's all for the good?

                                   ARTURO
                         Yes.  Like the time I threw away
                         that copy of "A Walk in the Clouds"
                         instead of selling it.  I watched
                         that movie and-

                                   LIAM
                         Wait, you threw away "A Walk in the
                         Clouds"?

                                   ARTURO
                         Yes, but-

                                   LIAM
                         I love that movie!

                                   ARTURO
                         It's not the Kari Wuhrer of nearly
                         the same name.  Now help me get rid
                         of this computer.

                                   LIAM
                         Wait, can I have it?

                                   ARTURO
                         The movie or the computer?

                                   LIAM
                         The computer.  I already have the
                         movie.

                                   ARTURO
                         Don't you already have a computer?

                                   LIAM
                         Yeah, but it keeps telling me to
                         hit any key to continue, but I
                         can't find the "any key".

               A beat, Liam listens.

                                   LIAM
                         Do you hear booing and moaning?

                                   ARTURO
                         You can have the damned computer
                         Liam, but never talk to me about it
                         again.

                                   LIAM
                         Woo hoo!

               He drags it into his room.

                                   LIAM
                         Now just to set this baby up...

               -------------------------------------------------------------

               THEME SONG
                             (sung to the theme of "The
                              Jeffersons")
                         Hey you better perk up!
                             (better perk up!)
                         'Cause it's time...
                             (you better perk up!)
                         ...for the internet show that's one
                         of a kind! You better perk up!
                             (better perk up!)
                         Don't you know?
                             (better perk up!)
                         It's time for the Liam Smith Show!
                         It don't air on the TV! Just right
                         here on the net! No networks would
                         touch this thing, and that is a
                         real sure bet! Don't you go and get
                         depressed! An internet show's more
                         fun! A lot of what you see is up to
                         you, Just use your imagination! Hey
                         you better perk up!
                             (better perk up!)
                         'Cause it's time...
                             (you better perk up!)
                         ...for the internet show that's one
                         of a kind! You better perk up!
                             (better perk up!)
                         Don't you know?
                             (better perk up!)
                         It's time for the Liam Smith
                         Shooooooooooooooooow!

               OLE!

               -------------------------------------------------------------      

THE LIAM SMITH SHOW

STARRING

Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"

John Rhys-Davies
as
"Proffesor Arturo"

ALSO STARRING

John Goodman
as
"Elvis"

Michael Nelson
as
"Thad Coffey"

and
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"

GUEST STARRING

Hulk Hogan
as
"Lackey"

Lawrence Fishburne
as
"Morpheus"

Keanu Reeves
as
"Neo"

Carrie Anne-Moss
as
"Trinity"

Marcus Chong
as
"Tank" (From "The Matrix")

Hugo Weaving
as
"Agent Smith"

and
David Herman
as
"Leader X"

FADE IN: INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT. Screen text reads "2 hours later" LIAM So, can you help me, Elvis? ELVIS Can I? No. LIAM I'll pay you. ELVIS You'll pay me? And it won't turn out you're paying me in love or compassion or... LIAM Cold, hard cash. ELVIS Deal. He walks over to the computer and hits it. ELVIS Done. LIAM Doesn't it need to be plugged in? ELVIS Oh, bitch, bitch, bitch. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT. Screen text reads "3.141592654 hours later" ELVIS There. Just push that button. Liam pushes the indicated button. The computer turns on. ELVIS Now, about my payment... LIAM I lied. ELVIS (SLOWLY) So...I'm...not...getting paid? LIAM Nope. ELVIS You're sure? LIAM Yup. Elvis unplugs the computer. LIAM Damn! He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a 5 dollar bill. LIAM Here. ELVIS Pleasure doing business with you. He plugs the computer back in and turns it on. LIAM Bye. ELVIS See ya. Elvis leaves. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT Screen text reads "The Next Day". Liam is on his computer in a chatroom. His old computer is sitting in the corner. There is a rabbit chewing on some of the wiring. LIAM All right! A chatroom on a porn site! (reading) The Matrix has you. (a beat)(typing) What's that Matrix? (reading) Follow the white rabbit (a beat)(typing) The one in the corner of my room? (reading) Yes, you moron. The rabbit runs out the window. LIAM Dammit. He runs after the rabbit onto a thin ledge. It is on the second story. LIAM I can't do this. It's too high up. What if I fall? Then I'll act like Keanu Reeves for the rest of my life. (a beat) I may be stupid, but I'm not that stupid. He goes back to his room. There is a knock at the door. He gets it. LIAM Yeah? AGENT SMITH is there. AGENT SMITH I'm going to need you to come with me. LIAM Why? SMITH Just shut up and do it. LIAM Fine. INT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS OF EVIL-Ground floor. SMITH So Mr. Smith? LIAM Yes, Agent Smith? SMITH Look Mr. Smith, I'll be honest with you. LIAM So be honest Agent Smith. SMITH We're not related in any way. LIAM Oh. SMITH Have you ever had something enter your belly-button, Mr. Smith? LIAM No, and I don't want it to. If you try and force it on me, I'll resist. SMITH I understand Mr. Smith-HEY, LOOK OVER THERE! He points to a corner of the room. Liam looks. LIAM What? I don't see anything. He takes the bug out of the jar and puts it on Liam's stomach. XCU LIAM'S FACE as he grimaces in pain. LIAM Ow. SMITH You're free to go, Mr. Smith. Or were you ever here? He snaps his fingers. SMITH Dammit, I knew it was a bad idea to add that line. Guys! Send him back. INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT-BEDROOM. Liam wakes up in a cold sweat. It's the middle of the night. His computer beeps. Cautiously, he walks over. LIAM Wha-What's this? The computer reads "Pick up your phone" LIAM O-Okay. He picks up the phone. The computer reads "Dial 555-NEO1". Liam complies. Ringing is heard, then the phone is picked up. VOICE Hello. Is this Liam Smith? LIAM Yeah. Who is this? VOICE This line is not secure. Do you want to meet me? LIAM Yeah. Sure. VOICE Then get in the limo outside of your room. INT. REBEL LIMO. Liam gets in the back. NEO and TRINITY are back there. TRINITY Hello, Liam. Or, as we call each other by our screen names, SteelAbs. NEO Hello SteelAbs. LIAM (SARCASTICALLY) Should I meet the driver too? TRINITY Hold on. All right Neo, I'm thinking of a number that is either 1 or 2. If you get it right, I drive. If not, you drive. NEO Uhh...1? TRINITY No, sorry, it was 2. NEO I lose every time at that game. TRINITY Maybe you're just not good at it. Neo climbs in the front. LIAM Where are we going? TRINITY We're going to meet Morpheus. The limo drives away into the darkness and stalls. Neo gets out and kicks it. They drive away. INT. REBEL OFFICE. The three of them walk in. MORPHEUS dramatically swivels around in his chair. MORPHEUS Hello SteelAbs. It hasn't been easy finding you. LIAM What do you mean? MORPHEUS We tried everywhere: erotica.com, fetishes.com, celebporn.com, and you weren't there. LIAM Oh yeah, they want me to pay them to chat and I'm all like "I can do that on Yahoo." MORPHEUS That's great. I want to offer you a choice. This world which you believe that you perceive is really a prison that you cannot touch or see or smell or taste or...Trinity, what's your other sense? TRINITY Hearing. MORPHEUS Yeah, you can't sense it that way either. LIAM What's that got to do with me? MORPHEUS You're inside the prison. LIAM Oh. But if I don't think it's a prison, then it's not really a prison, is it? If I think I'm free, then... MORPHEUS Sorry. We already told you you're wrong. LIAM How do I know you're not on acid? MORPHEUS You'll just have to take my word for it. Look, I'm offering you the choice. In one hand... He puts a red pill in his right hand. MORPHEUS ...You have calm and peace. You wake up in your bed and believe...whatever you want to. In the other hand... He puts a blue pill in his left hand MORPHEUS ...you can wake up in Wonderland and see how far the rabbit hole goes. Or is that out of Wonderland? Doesn't matter, you get the picture. Liam reaches over, hovering between the two pills. MORPHEUS Remember, I'm offering you the truth, nothing more. Liam takes the red pill and swallows it. A moment passes. LIAM Why didn't I wake up in my bed? MORPHEUS I lied. They both do the same thing. LIAM What if I go home now? MORPHEUS You'll have a terrible craving for Temptation Island 2. You'll send letters and...just believe me, it'll be awful. It's better if you just come with us. LIAM I don't know if you're telling the truth, but I don't want to take that risk. Morpheus leads him into the next room. There is all sorts of gear there. Morpheus guides Liam to a chair, which he sits down in. MORPHEUS Have you ever had a dream which you were so sure was real. What if you never woke up from that dream? How would you know the difference between the dream world...and the real world? LIAM In the real world, I wouldn't be dreaming. MORPHEUS Oh just stop talking. The procedure continues in sullen silence. Buttons are tapped. Liam looks over at a cracked mirror, and it goes smooth. LIAM Did you see that? There's someone else who looks just like me through that glass. He reaches over to touch it. Trinity puts her head in her hands. TRINITY (ASIDE) Moron. In a cool CGI effect, the mirror breaks off and spreads like liquid over Liam's body. TRINITY Got a lock! MORPHEUS Tank, now! EXT. HUMAN HARVEST FIELDS Liam wakes up underwater and comes up for air. He pulls a tube off of his face. LIAM Where am I? PAN TO REVEAL Vast acres of human vats like the one he just came out of. LIAM Oh my God. Kari's got to be here somewhere. A hovercraft comes up and faces Liam. Tubes pop out of his back and arm. LIAM Would it have been too much trouble to do that before I woke up? A robotic arm from the spaceship reaches out to Liam's vat and pushes a button marked "Flush". The vat drains out, taking Liam with it. He lands in a giant puddle of water. A huge robotic claw grabs him and pulls him up. FADE OUT FADE IN Montage of shots of Liam's muscles being strengthened. Needles are in him and all sorts of goodness. INT. MORPHEUS' SHIP Liam slowly wakes up in a bed. He is bald and looks funny. Morpheus enters. MORPHEUS Hello SteelAbs. LIAM Just call me Liam. MORPHEUS All right. LIAM Where are we? France? MORPHEUS The proper question is act-wait, why'd you ask if we're in France? LIAM I just figured that since they hate Americans, that maybe they'd put us in a place like this. MORPHEUS You're a moron. But, the proper question is actually when are we. LIAM Don't dodge the question like that. MORPHEUS We're in Canada. LIAM Okay. Now, when are we? MORPHEUS You believe it's the year 2001, when in reality it's closer to 2201. We don't know the actual date because the guy who is supposed to know got really drunk one night and erased the computer's memory, replacing it with a copy of Pong. He then passed out on the floor, vomited, and went insane, requiring a lobotomy to stay sane again. LIAM So that's what's wrong with Neo? MORPHEUS Pretty much. LIAM So what's going on in the world? MORPHEUS Rather than tell you, perhaps I shall show you. He walks out. Liam follows him. They arrive on the bridge. Tank is there to greet him. MORPHEUS Tank, load the "make people go insane" program. TANK Alright. He goes over and pushes a few buttons. MORPHEUS Liam, this is going to feel a little...funny. LIAM What, is it going to tickle? Trinity sneaks up behind him and slams a plug into the jack in the back of his head. LIAM OW! Damn, that stung. INT. CONSTRUCT A completely white room with two chairs and a TV. Morpheus and Liam are in it. Liam has hair now. LIAM Where are we? MORPHEUS This is the Construct. It's our loading program. In here, we can load anything and anything we want. LIAM Kari Wuhrer? MORPHEUS Yes. We can. LIAM Excellent. Morpheus touches a button on the TV. It turns on. It is the picture of New York, circa 2001. MORPHEUS (VO) At the end of the 20th century, you had all sorts of weird fads like boy bands and the Internet and the Fox network. Yours was a world divided. But at the end of the 21st century, all mankind was united in the spirit of happiness and unity. Obviously, their newfound robot overlords were being generous before they were sent back to mine the spice mines. And then their spirits were broken and rebellions were crushed all willy nilly, and it really sucked. These evil robot overlords had found a new source of power: stupidity. And that, my friend, is why you are here. LIAM I don't get it. MORPHEUS Our tests have shown that you would be the ideal subject for our stupidity weapon, a double threat since it both takes away their powers and will be effective for our side. Now, we are hoping that since we jacked you out, their efforts will be crippled and the rebellion will take back what is rightfully ours. LIAM And that is...? MORPHEUS The world, of course. LIAM Wait, you're gonna use me to take over the world? MORPHEUS Yes. LIAM I won't help you. MORPHEUS You already have. This is just the first step. After you, there'll be all sorts of people. Vince MacMahon, Jesse Ventura, George W. Bush. When you're all out, the world belongs to the rebellion. LIAM No! Find someone else. MORPHEUS You find someone else. We'll put you in the Matrix and when you find someone stupider than you are, we'll take him or her out and kill you. LIAM Kill me? MORPHEUS Yes. We have our own stupidity harvester, you know. LIAM Fine. I'll help you. MORPHEUS You're going to have to fight the other guys you know. LIAM What do you mean? MORPHEUS I'll have Tank tell you. INT SHIP-BRIDGE Liam is slowly jacked out of the Matrix. Trinity brings him to consciousness. LIAM Hey, Tank? TANK Yeah? LIAM Why am I here? TANK When we insert you into the Matrix, you become software. When we jack you in a certain way, you become a computer virus. We're hoping to utilize your natural stupidity to jack you in so that whatever Agent tries to fight you gets killed. LIAM Why? TANK They are the gate-keepers to the Matrix. Therefore, we must kill them. LIAM Makes sense. TANK You're going in tonight. LIAM With who? Neo? Trinity? TANK Alone. When you've killed one, we'll let you come back. LIAM How would I kill one? TANK Touch him. You're a virus. LIAM Don't they have protection against this kind of thing? TANK Yeah, but Norton 2200 is coming down tonight, and that's why you're going in tonight. LIAM I see. TANK I doubt that, but you wouldn't understand the big words I would have to use to explain it. LIAM 'Kay. INT. CONSTRUCT. Liam is on a cell phone talking to Tank. TANK What are you going to need? LIAM Guns. Lots of guns. TANK No you won't. Seriously, what are you gonna need? LIAM Can you generate a TV with the Kari Wuhrer movie "Desires"? TANK You got it. A TV comes rocketing out of the background. It hits Liam, who falls down. TANK Sorry. I have to work on my aim. Various porn movie-type noises come out from the TV LIAM It's a miracle! TANK Hold on Liam (aside) But Morpheus, it's a good movie. But I-! A smacking sound is heard. Morpheus is now on the phone. MORPHEUS (ASIDE) Bitch. (a beat, to Liam) Liam, stop watching porno and get on with your mission. LIAM Oh, if I must. EXT. UPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - NIGHT. The camera pans around in a complete circle and when it comes back to the starting place, Liam is there. LIAM Now, I just have to find an agent and I'll be done. Now, how would they do this in a movie...? RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO Liam in a black trenchcoat. He is inside a large building and carrying a bag. He puts it through an x-ray machine and walks through the metal detector. It beeps. GUARD Sir, would you please remove any metallic items that you are carrying? LIAM Sure. He dumps his keys on the table and walks through again. GUARD Thank you. LIAM Sorry about that. There is an agent in the hall. Liam walks up and touches him. He dies. LIAM Woohoo! He's dead! RIPPLE DISSOLVE TO Reality. LIAM Hey...that didn't solve anything. A car drives up. Thad and Bippo are in it. THAD There you are. You have to work the night shift tonight. LIAM I really can't. BIPPO No, Miss Malevelous said it would be our asses if you didn't go to work. Now get in the car. LIAM I don't kno- BIPPO Get your ass in here, boy. He pulls him into the car. It drives away. INT. CIRCUS CIRCUS Liam is dealing blackjack reluctantly. Agent Smith walks up to him. SMITH There you are. I've been looking for you. LIAM Hah! He reaches across the table and grabs the agent. LIAM Die, Fool. SMITH Did you really think that would work? LIAM Yeah. SMITH Then you're a bigger fool than I thought- odd as that may seem. LIAM But- The agent smacks him and carries his unconscious body away. INT. WORLD HEADQUARTERS OF EVIL Liam slowly wakes up. A Lackey is standing nearby. LIAM Where am I? LACKEY You're in the world headquarters of EVIL! You were brought here at the behest of LEADER X LIAM Leader X? Who's that? Some kind of leader? LEADER X appears. LEADER X Not just any leader. The leader of the world. LIAM If you lead the world, then why haven't I heard of you? LEADER X I rule from behind the curtains. It does not matter who is President or Prime Minister or Dictator-For Life. I manipulate them into doing what I want. LIAM Why? LEADER X Because I can. Because I want to be in power. LIAM And what does that accomplish? LEADER X I get free episodes of "Sailor Moon" on Cartoon Network. LIAM Why would you want free episodes of "Sailor Moon"? LEADER X This is why I don't like people knowing who I am. I hate answering these questions I just like the show. LIAM No. No one likes that show. Now seriously, why? LEADER X I was being serious. LIAM Yeah. And I'm the Pope. LEADER X It doesn't matter. I want to free you of the pitiful rebellion in which you participate. LIAM And how'll you do that? LEADER X I once had a source inside Morpheus' organization. And he told me that there were pills you could take to free yourself of the real world. LIAM Where are they? Does this mean I could return to normal? LEADER X You took one. LIAM Whe-when? LEADER X When you joined up with him. LIAM I don't get it. LEADER X The pill you took. LIAM Yes. LEADER X Was made out of a Tylenol Gelcap... LIAM Yes... LEADER X ...And a special kind of LSD. LIAM What are you saying? LEADER X Morpheus' headquarters are on a soundstage somewhere. You're all on drugs. There's no resistance that you're fighting with. LIAM So how am I supposed to sober up, then? LEADER X There is another pill. Inside the soundstage. It's marked "Advil". You have to get it and take it and return home, then not answer your phone or door for a while until you are given up on. LIAM Given up on? LEADER X Yes. When their drugged mind forgets that you were ever there, then and only then is it possible to return to normal life. LIAM I see. I just have one question before I go. LEADER X And that is? LIAM How did a nerd like you become the highest ranking evil man in the world? LEADER X A computer virus. Like the one in Superman 3. After that, I just bought my way to the top. LIAM Nice talking with you. LEADER X Yup. See you around. Or will I? BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! He vanishes in a cloud of smoke. LIAM I wish I could do that. He picks up a cell phone. LIAM Yeah...Tank? I've done it. I'm ready to be taken out. INT. SHIP Trinity eases Liam up. TRINITY You look like you had a rough time in there. LIAM Yeah. TRINITY Well, you're all right now. LIAM I know. Oh man, I have a headache. Does anyone have an Advil? I think I'm gonna go look for an Advil to take now. Neo walks up to Trinity. TRINITY He knows. NEO He knows what? TRINITY Oh, you're not Morpheus. NEO What does he know? TRINITY Linear Algebra. Now go away. NEO Okay. MORPHEUS Trinity. TRINITY Morpheus, he knows. He knows about the whole thing. MORPHEUS Neo knows a whole language? TRINITY What? No. Liam. Liam knows about this not being real. MORPHEUS Are you sure? TRINITY I think he's still questioning about it. But that's only because he doesn't realize he's wearing a baldcap. And he doesn't realize it's just him and Neo. MORPHEUS What should we do? TRINITY Kill him. MORPHEUS Sounds good to me. Where's your gun? TRINITY In my pocket. MORPHEUS Let's do this. INT. NEO'S CABIN-Liam barges in on Neo. NEO Can I help you? LIAM Have you seen a small pill around? It's marked "Advil". NEO Advil? Do you have a headache? LIAM Yes I do. Do you know where it is? NEO Here. Have some Tylenol. He takes some Tylenol out of a jar. LIAM No, uh...medical studies have proved that Advil is 38% more effective. I-I need that. NEO Wow. 38? That's higher than I can count. LIAM Fantastic. Have you seen it? NEO Yeah. It's in the top right drawer of Morpheus' desk. LIAM Why have you seen Morpheus' desk? NEO I was looking for my copy of "Ass Wednesday". LIAM Okay. I'll be going now. NEO The finest butts! Every Wednesday! LIAM Great. He exits. INT. MORPHEUS' CABIN Liam enters, bypassing the "Do Not Enter" sign. There is a bed and a desk, and piled high on the desk is mountains of adult magazines. LIAM Jesus. (a beat) This is like my apartment. He runs over to the desk, shoving the magazines off. LIAM Top right drawer...top right drawer. He opens the top right drawer. Inside is a pen and a piece of paper with a "To Do" list on it. LIAM (READING) Find new captives...Destroy minds...re-form into killing machines...lunch... He puts away the list LIAM If Neo said that it was the top right drawer, then...I've got it! He opens the top left drawer and finds a pill marked Advil. He puts it up to his mouth when... TANK Freeze! LIAM Sh*t! He puts it in his mouth and frantically tries to swallow it. TANK Looking for this? Tank steps into the cabin holding a glass of water. TANK Well, too bad. He drops it on the floor. It shatters. Tank takes out a very large gun. TANK I'm afraid you are to be one of our killing machines. Doomed to a life of whatever we tell you to do...completely and totally zoned out. Now hand over the pill. LIAM Never. My pill. TANK I'm not afraid to shoot you, you know. He points the gun at Liam. LIAM The gun is backwards. TANK How would you know? LIAM The end towards me has no hole on it. Deftly, Tank switches the gun around. LIAM Much better. He runs up and kicks Tank, who in surprise fires the gun into himself. LIAM Heh heh heh...I can't believe he fell for that. He walks onto the bridge and grabs a glass of water. He takes the pill. Morpheus walks up to him. MORPHEUS So...you think you can escape that easily, eh? LIAM No...but I was hoping. MORPHEUS You still have to fight me. LIAM Okay. He gets up, woozy. Morpheus grins. MORPHEUS To think you could beat me, preposterous. LIAM I don't know how to spell preposterous. Really. He knees Morpheus in the groin. Morpheus keels over. MORPHEUS Pain...so...much...pain. Trinity walks in with a gun. TRINITY So you beat them. Bravo. Bravo. But now you must best me. And you can't do that. No, I'm going to enjoy this. Any last words? LIAM You did notice that the important two others are now dead, right? TRINITY So what? LIAM So alone, you'll control Neo and me, and use us to rule the world? TRINITY That's the general idea, yes. LIAM Why? TRINITY Because I want to...hmm...I never thought of that. I don't really want to rule the world. Too many stupid people. That's a good point. Liam, you can go. LIAM Thank you. Uhh...which way? TRINITY Through the kitchen, it's the door marked "Do Not Enter". LIAM Cool. Bye, Trinity. TRINITY Bye. He exits. She stands there for a moment. TRINITY Ooh, I just remembered why. I want to get rid of boy bands and Pokemon and...aw...you left already. NEO I'm still here. TRINITY Yes. And soon enough, I'm going to care. Yes. Soon enough, I'm going to care. FADE TO BLACK ROLL CREDITS
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