THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
The Determinator: Judgement This Day.
By David Hopper
EXT. INDUSTRIAL WASTE LAND PILED HIGH WITH SCRAPPED VECHILES,
WRECKED BUILDINGS AND HUMAN CORPSES - Green computer writing
comes up a letter at a time, stating the year is 2088.
ARTURO VOICE OVER
Thirteenth November 2001, a date
that not many people would remember
in human history. The day the stock
market failed, the day the Internet
ground to a halt in 92% of the
world. It was the day things
happened that was never expected to
happen. The day Bill Clinton was
found in a strip joint watching a
pre recorded political debate
chaired by Margaret Thatcher,
Ronald Regan and Augusto Pinochet.
But it was also the day the nukes
fell, the day civilisation fell.
The camera pans across some burning rubble, across a pile of
human skulls, as a metallic foot comes crushing down on one.
Purple laser shots are traded all over the place as various
soldiers dressed like punks from the 1980's charge across the
wasteland, taking cover where they can and shooting at their
targets. The landscape is rocked with explosions.
ARTURO [V.O]
The survivors of the bombs couldn't
come up with anything to call it,
but quickly tried to rebuild what
they could. They couldn't.
The camera pans up the foot, the leg, the torso and finally a
head - It's a Determinator, a killing machine meant for one
thing, to strike out at humans and destroy them. The
Determinator surveys the scene, and takes out four humans as
they make a run across some open ground. Death is most
definitely in the air, and having a field day trying to keep
up with all the dead.
DEATH
DAMN, I'M EXHAUSTED. LOOK, I CAN'T
GET TO EVERYONE IMMEDIATELY, IF
YOU'D ALL JUST CARE TO MAKE AN
ORDERLY LINE, I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A
MINUTE.
Another Determinator is seen lying on the ground, legs gone
and most of it's torso wrecked beyond repair.
It struggles for it's gun as another human runs up and
destroys the Determinator. It's hard to tell if anyone is
actually winning this battle, fresh human corpses litter the
battlefield, while Determinators stand their ground as humans
charge them. A huge flying vechile, a Poacher Scavenger pulls
up into the sky and starts raining fire onto the humans in no
mans land. As quickly as it appeared, the Poacher Scavenger
is stuck down as a missile completely destroys one of it's
engines, it crashes down to earth destroying a large group of
Determinators.
ARTURO [V.O.]
From nowhere, these metal menaces
arrived, spreading death and
disease and other generic aspects
of genocide and mayhem. Thankfully
there was still a hope for
humanity.
INT. REBEL HEADQUARTERS - the camera angle travels at the
point of view of a person all the soldiers recognise and
salute as he passes. Eventually the camera angle separates
and we see the figure is in a long black overcoat, and is
looking out over the insuring battle. The camera pans around
to show a somehow older looking DREW FANGTASTIC. He turns
around to look at a man behind him, who resembles BIPPO at
around the age of forty or so. He even has similar clown
makeup.
ARTURO [V.O.]
However the last best hope for
humanity needed a lot of guidance.
A LOT of guidance.
FANGTASTIC
This was worse then even your
grandfather's friends thought it
could have gotten.
BIPPO THE THIRD
So you keep saying each and
everynight there's a battle.
FANGTASTIC
Yeah, but the only time I ever saw
combat like this was before I
became a vampire. And now of
course, I'm human again. Not that
it matters since all the pollution
has left so much black smoke, and
fog and smog that we can't see the
daylight anymore. I may as well
have stayed a vampire for what it's
worth.
Bippo the third reacts like a child whose been told the same
thing by his parents too many times to actually care about
the subject anymore. Fangtastic is acting more like someone's
grandfather who fought in World War two.
BIPPO III
Yeah, yeah, we're supposed to
believe that there was once such a
thing as daylight. And Rain that
wasn't acid and that humans
actually hated each other and not
dedicated killing machines that
were out to eradicate them.
FANGTASTIC
Yeah, well you got to hate
something, in the old days we just
had other countries to hate, entire
political systems to despise, and
now, most of Europe is underwater,
except bloody Germany, the people
who deserved it the most. Typical
lucky bastards.
BIPPO III
We could always move to Russia, the
Determinators can't go there.
FANGTASTIC
That's because Russia is still in
the middle of a nuclear winter. We
warned them about those breakaway
countries having access to their
old military bases, but would they
listen? Noooooo.
The two men leave the observation area and walk down the
corridor again, passing several burning TV's used to
entertain rather ill looking children. Fangtastic is still
muttering obscenities about the Germans.
INT. WAR ROOM - despite the name, the place is a dump. It
looks more like a garage that had been converted into a games
room, then left to rot before these guys took up residence.
Two other men are present, waiting for them, KENEDY and
KEITHS. They salute BIPPO III. Everyone sits down at the
table, which is covered in beer bottles.
BIPPO III
At ease.
FANGTASTIC
How goes the bottling of petrol
bombs?
Keiths burbs loudly, falls over and tries to stagger into his
chair again.
KENEDY
Quite well sir.
FANGTASTIC
(narrows eyes)
Yes, I see that. What is the latest
report?
KEITHS
We managed to destroy another
factory producing Determinators,
and defeated five squads of, of, of
those flying things.
FANGTASTIC
Excellent, that brings us up to how
many factories in total now?
KENEDY
Two sir.
FANGTASTIC
Exceptional. Sir? A word please?
Fangtastic hides his dislike for the two idiots to the very
best of his abilities. He takes Bippo off to a side.
BIPPO III
What's with that strange thing your
doing with your mouth?
FANGTASTIC
It's called wincing and trying to
make it look like a smile. We are
losing this war, even if we are
gaining ground we are not denting
their armaments or their ability to
back themselves up. It takes us
twelve years to get some rather
pimply reinforcements who are a bit
on the short side. It takes them
two days.
BIPPO III
I know, I know, but what can we do?
FANGTASTIC
Hire better planners?
BIPPO III
What's wrong with Kenedy and
Keiths?
In the background, Keiths burps yet again, throws up, farts,
follows through and falls off his chair. Kenedy sits there
with a dormant expression before the fumes overcome him and
he too falls.
BIPPO III
Ok, you may have a point there.
FANGTASTIC
I'll try to contain that mess.
Fangtastic picks up some papers from near Keiths, goes to
wipe up the mess, catches a glimpse of the papers and reads
them instead. A look of horror crosses his face.
MUSCIAL STING
FADE OUT
--------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
Some songs
are very, very long
This one isn't.
OLÉ!
--------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar as "Liam Smith"
John Rhys Davis as "Profesor Arturo"
GUEST STARRING
Michael Nelson as "Thad Coffey"
Robert Floyd as "Bippo the clown/Bippo the third"
The Stick as "Harry the handyman"
David Hopper as "Drew Fangtastic"
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
Arnold Schwarzenegger as "The Determinators #1 and #2"
Antony Hopkins as "Mr Hopkins"
Emma Thompson as "Miss Thompson"
Hugh Grant as "Smedley"
SPECIAL PROSTICALY ENHANCED GUEST STARS
Freddie Prinze Junior as "Decoy"
Craig Charles as "Keiths"
Robert Lywelyn as "Kenedy"
and Chris Barrie as "Lord Edgy"
WITH TRUELY AWEFUL ATTEMPTS AT ENGLISH ACCENTS
Rider Strong as "Rupert #1"
Christopher Gorham as "Rupert #2"
Ezziah Woods as "Rupert #3"
AND SPECIAL APPERANCES BY
Christopher Lee as the voice of "Death"
and Frank Welker and Peter Cullen
as the voices of "Megatron" and "Optimus Prime"
EXT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - the camera follows BIPPO THE
CLOWN as he makes his way down the street. Fangtastic and
Bippo the third continue their conversation in the future
with a voice over.
FANGTASTIC [V.O.]
Somehow the machines got to know
about your descent sir. They've
sent a machine after your
grandfather.
BIPPO III [V.O.]
Well good luck to them, he died
before I was born, before the war
actually. In fact, I don't even
know where he was buried.
(a beat)
Or if he even WAS buried.
FANGTASTIC [V.O.]
Er no, sir, you misunderstand.
They've sent a Determinator into
the past to kill him.
BIPPO III [V.O.]
Time travel is possibly? Could they
really have sent someone after the
most noble man of all time? You
were there, weren't you? At the
start?
Bippo spies a lady on a street corner and waves at her, she
waves nervously and runs when he's past her. Bippo pulls out
a notebook and writes in it. A close up reveals the title is
"People to kill, volume IV". Bippo is still making his way
down the street. He spies a young woman trying to lift her
baby's pram onto the sidewalk. He goes off to help.
FANGTASTIC [V.O.]
Yes, I was there when the news was
broken. The software that
revolutionised the world, quite an
achievement.
But since it was all ran on an
Apple Macintosh, everyone started
buying their stock very quickly,
and everyone lost interest in PC's.
Microsoft went bust, the market
collapsed in on it's self, Bill
Gates went into hiding and some
idiot sent off a whole load of
nukes at every major country by
accident. Two years later as
humanity tried to recover, the
machines arrived. And life has been
hell ever since.
BIPPO III [V.O.]
Why are you telling me this? I Know
all of this from history class.
FANGTASTIC [V.O.]
Sorry, sir, for some strange reason
I keep getting these urges to
recount the sorry tale of our
existence today.
Bippo places one hand on the axle and lifts up the pram onto
the sidewalk, then stands to get thanks from the woman, who
screams as his arm is left behind holding onto the axle. She
takes off running, with the fake wooden arm still dangling
from her axle.
INT. WAR ROOM - cleaner then it was before, both Keiths and
Kenedy are gone.
FANGTASTIC
As you know sir, your great
grandfather managed to organise the
rabble that was left and organised
a counter strike. Well, actually he
grabbed a big gun and ran screaming
at the enemy, but the people got
the idea. He kept the rebel
movements going for forty years.
BIPPO III
Ah yes, right up to his famous
dissapering clown trick.
FANGTASTIC
He trod on a mine. Anyhow, now the
enemy knows about him, and somehow
they've found a way to travel back
in time and they want to kill him.
BIPPO III
Why should I be worried about what
they do in the past?
FANGTASTIC
If they kill your grandfather, they
cancel out your existence. There
would be no one left to organise
the troops as he did before, and
without him, your father would not
be born, nor you.
BIPPO III
How'd you get that then?
FANGTASTIC
What?
BIPPO III
That I wouldn't be around if they
killed my grandfather off?
FANGTASTIC
(not very quietly)
Oh god, I knew it was a mistake not
to let your teachers give you the
birds and the bees talk.
(a beat)
Put simply sir, if you wish to
live, we must send back a warrior,
a man of cunning, wit, guile,
strength, skill. Someone who could
stand a chance against a
Determinator one on one, without
weapons.
BIPPO III
You know someone like that?
FANGTASTIC
No, everyone here is malnourished
and underweight. We'll just have to
pick lots and send which ever idiot
wins.
EXT. A BIKER BAR - a calm night, country music is playing the
night away. Then it happens, a bolt of purple lightning
strikes in-between two bikes, and a sphere appears,
physically growing bigger and cutting large holes into the
classic bikes that is more then likely going to give the
owners heart attacks when they see the damage.
A very large, and naked man is all that is left as the sphere
vanishes as quickly as it arrived. He stands up. This is the
DETERMINATOR. He looks around.
DETERMINATOR'S POV - the bikes that are in working order are
scanned in the night vision as it approaches the bar.
Suddenly, the juke box get's thrown out of the window.
VOICE
Ah can't stand that crap.
INT. THE BAR - the bikers are drinking, puking, playing pool
or pinching the waitresses butts. She slaps the last one that
does that and walks off, only to see the butt naked
Determinator and can't help but look at his lack of man hood
before falling over laughing, onto a rotweiler that savages
her.
BIKER #1
Man, you must need those glasses if
your gonna pinch HER butt.
(he realises everyone else
is looking behind him)
What ya looking a-
(he turns, the
Determinator is behind
him)
The hell is going on here? Stripper
gram? I ordered a woman. Now you
may be hung like a baby carrot, and
have boobs bigger than my fat wife,
but that don't make you a woman in
my book.
DETERMINATOR
I need your clothes, your boots,
unt your motorcycle. Gift dem to
me.
BIKER #1
Well ah'm busy using them right
now. But I could do with a new
leather jacket
(pulls out a flip knife)
Reckon I'll just make it out of
that nice hide of yours.
He stabs his knife into the Determinator, with no effect. The
biker looks puzzled, then the Determinator goes into action
mode, grabbing the bikers arm, and snapping it clean off. The
biker looks at his arm, and the stump where it used to be in
amazement for a brief second, then screams.
BIKER #1
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
(a beat)
I hate when that happens.
BIKER #2
Hey, I know where I seen this scene
before, just get the guns fellas,
nothing else will work.
Everyone pulls out a gun, and starts blasting away at the
Determinator, blasting huge sections of flesh away from it's
endostructure.
DETERMINATOR
Zis is not helping me vith my
priority mission.
WAITRESS
HAW, now he's got even less
manhood.
DETERMINATOR
Right, zat does it.
EXT. BAR - high levels of screaming are heard as the
Determinator goes to town. It's silhouette is seen as it
lifts three Bikers over it's head and throughs them out of a
wall.
EXT. BAR - The Determinator comes out, decked out in all
leather. Leather jacket, t-shirt, pants, boots and presumably
underwear. It tries to walk down the steps, but the trousers
won't bend, until we hear a ripping noise and the
Determinator walks down with ease and sits on a bike that it
puts the keys into. The land lord comes out with a rocket
launcher in his hands, and fires a warning shot in the air.
Both the Determinator and the Land lord watch as the rocket
goes up. Gravity being gravity, the rocket comes back down to
earth on a highway, destroying an oil tanker which lights up
the night sky. They return their gazes to each other, and
shrug.
LAND LORD
Can't let you take the mans bike
son. I could let you rip his arm
off, and beat my best customers to
death , steal their clothes, rob
them of their dignity and take
their guns, but the line must be
drawn here, this far, no further.
No get those hands where I can see
them.
The Determinator get's off the bike, puts it's hands over
it's head and moves towards the Land Lord.
LAND LORD
That's it god damn you.
The Determinator stops, looks up over the distance to cover,
and jumps right up to the Land Lord, head butts him so hard
we not only hear a cracking noise, but see him go flying into
the wall. The Determinator takes the Land Lords shades and
gun, steps down the steps, get on the bike and dives away
into the night.
LAND LORD
Errrr, that'll do nicely sir.
INT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS - LIAM, THAD and BIPPO are all
about to go into Thad's room to go and have a guy's night in,
when ARTURO bursts in before they can close the door with a
newspaper in hand.
ARTURO
Boys, have you heard the news?
There's been a massacre at a bikers
bar.
BIPPO
Those tend to happen a lot when the
Hell's Angels are in town.
THAD
The Hell's Angels Aren't in town
though.
ARTURO
That's very true, but this didn't
even look as friendly as a Hell's
Angels hit, this was done by one
man, a very big man, described by
one waitress as looking "impotent".
Arturo hands the papers to Liam.
LIAM
Good grief, he tore someone's arm
off?
BIPPO
I don't see any reason to worry
though. What are the chances he'll
be coming around here?
LIAM
It says here he was last seen
heading towards Las Vegas on a
Harley.
BIPPO
Okay, so what do I know? I'm just a
clown.
ARTURO
I wish I could get that on tape.
THAD
Say, look on the TV, it looks like
someone's got a real thing against
clowns.
BIPPO
WHAT?
TV
Police believe the clowns were
ordered to enter the car by a man
described as wearing enough rubber
clothing to go deep sea diving,
before it was blown up with a
rocket launcher.
LIAM
Hey, this biker killer had a rocket
launcher. He stole it from the Land
Lord after beating him into a
bloody mess on the wall. The Land
Lord claimed he kept the launcher
in self defence as was his right as
a card carrying member of the NRA.
ARTURO
Bippo, you could be in serious
trouble here.
BIPPO
I know, my NRA membership fees are
due soon.
LIAM
This reminds me of the movie that
was on last night, when a robot is
sent into the past to kill the
mother of the man who would save
humanity. It goes around killing
anyone with the same name as the
mother.
THAD
That was a movie, Liam, this is
real life.
LIAM
Yeah, but the cops thought it was
just a phonebook killer, someone
going through a whole section of
names in the phonebook. What if
we've got someone with something
against one clown, and to make sure
he gets him, takes as out as many
clowns as he can?
BIPPO
So what did the saviour do?
LIAM
Oh he sent a warrior of his own in
to protect his mother. Of course,
first he had to find her.
EXT. A STATELY HOME IN ENGLAND - Three men in their early
twenties or late teens are playing Croquet. One of them takes
a shot, and misses the hoops, sending the ball flying into a
greenhouse window. Only to be expected when your playing the
game in the middle of the night.
RUPERT #1
Oh bad luck Rupert.
RUPERT #2
Thanks Rupert.
RUPERT #3
Take another shot Rupert.
RUPERT #2
Thanks Rupert, don't mind if I do.
RUPERT #1
What do you think, Rupert, should
we have had the flood lights turned
on?
A bolt of lighting strikes the ground, and another Sphere
opens up right in front of the three Rupert's. The sphere has
deposited the best warrior the resistance could find.
SMEDLEY. He stands up and looks at the three men in front of
him.
SMEDLEY
Ah, yes, now, ah, I don't know how
to put this, but I need your
clothes, the woolly handstitched
Marks and Spencer's jumper will do
for starters, and perhaps if you
wouldn't awfully mind, your pin
striped trousers.
This leaves two of the Rupert's somewhat baffled, while
another Rupert, get's completely the wrong idea.
RUPERT #3
I say, skinny dipping in your
fathers fountain, Rupert.
The three Rupert's strip, and go dancing off towards the
fountain. Smedley quickly dresses while wondering what kind
of place he has arrived in.
EXT. THE PORCH OF THE STATLEY HOME - Smedley is welcomed by
the butler, Mr HOPKINS.
HOPKINS
I do welcome you sir, have you an
appointment?
SMEDLEY
Er, no, you see I'm here to protect
someone, a certain Mr Bippo from,
and this is the part that is very
hard to explain, from a homicidal
killing machine.
HOPKINS
Ah, you're here to fix the vacuum
cleaner. Very good sir.
SMEDLEY
Er no, you see-
(he stops and fumbles in
his pockets as he finds
something there)
What is this?
Smedley pulls out a handgun which goes off accidentally,
maiming Hopkins knee.
HOPKINS
(no hint of pain at all)
Very good, sir, if you'd care to
walk this way.
Hopkins hobbles into the house,
followed by a very apologetic
Smedley.
SMEDLEY
I'm terribly sorry about that, most
frightful accident. Doesn't that
hurt you?
HOPKINS
Oh I understand it was an accident
sir. One mustn't complain when one
is only a mere butler. I have my
duties to perform.
Hopkins continues to limp off, Smedley stops in his tracks,
dumbstruck.
INT. THAD'S APARTMENT - Liam, Thad and Bippo have got very
drunk by now, and are starting to come close to passing out.
LIAM
Say, I wonder where that killer got
to after killing those clowns?
THAD
Probably looking for the nearest
collection of clowns he can find.
LIAM
Say, Bippo, where is the largest
amount of clowns in Las Vegas?
BIPPO
The local police station.
MUSICAL STING
LIAM
Say, did anyone hear something?
Like a, like a, like someone
playing the drums?
THAD
No, but I could have sworn I heard
a motorcycle screech by at full
throttle, not brake in time and
crash into a bunch of bins.
LIAM
Some kind of residual werewolf
thing, huh? Oh well, that's a
relief, for a second there I
thought I was hearing stuff.
The door get kicked in, and the Determinator stands in the
doorway, with a shotgun in hand.
DETERMINATOR
Bippo Ze Clown?
BIPPO
Bippo the clown? No, there's no one
here by that name. I mean look
around, do you see any clowns?
The DETERMINATOR raises his gun at Bippo, who jumps out of
the window in a desperate bid to survive. The Determinator
opens up with his shotgun, punching big holes in the window
frame seconds after Bippo made it through. Thad and Liam look
out from the cover of the overturned couch. The Determinator
sees them, turns and raises his gun. Thad gets to his feet
and points towards the doorway.
THAD
CLOWN!
The Determinator turns and looks at the doorway, but sees
nothing. Then turns around as we hear ripping and a low growl
[out of shot]. The Determinator turns, just in time to see
the werewolf pounce on him. Liam looks at the struggling
figures of the werewolf and Determinator.
LIAM
Thad? Thad? Oh boy.
Liam looks out of the window for Bippo, but can't see him.
LIAM
He must have landed on that pile of
dead animals that wasn't here
earlier today. I wonder if that was
his handiwork?
Liam turns around to see the werewolf being thrown away from
the Determinator who goes to pick up it's gun, only to be
stopped by a swift strike to it's face by a steel mop. HARRY
THE HANDYMAN is standing in the doorway, looking down at the
cyborg as part of it's face is now torn off. The werewolf
jumps past Harry and pounces down the hallway.
HARRY
Holy, it's a cyborg.
LIAM
A cyborg? Well that's just great,
we've got Thad on the lose now and
a psychotic killing machine bearing
down on us. And Bippo's on the
loose with his new hidden up-the
sleeve-knife collection.
Harry grabs Liam and pulls him away from the Determinator as
it gets back to it's feet and grabs it's gun. Harry and Liam
race down the corridor as the Determinator jumps out of the
window after Bippo.
HARRY
What the hell is that thing doing
here?
LIAM
I dunno, but it has an uncanny
resemblance to that biker and clown
killer. Even when it's missing half
it's face.
HARRY
Then it's probably the same guy,
only he's not a guy, he's a
machine. An unstoppable killing
machine, most likely from the
future here to kill someone.
LIAM
What makes you think he's from the
future?
HARRY
Where else can it come from? No one
has the technology to make
something like that today.
LIAM
What about the animatronics we see
everyday in films and movies, and
certain shops and casinos here?
HARRY
Liam, they don't go around killing
people, well except by accident.
Come to think about it, they can't
walk without support, let alone
kick down doors. Doors that I'm
going to have replace in the
morning.
LIAM
Wait, if that things from the
future, won't the people from the
future be sending a protector to
try to kill it?
HARRY
Don't be daft, who would honestly
think of doing that?
EXT. THE VEGAS STRIP - The damaged Determinator is walking
down the strip, scaring away prostitutes that see it's torn
face. It's not even trying to hide it's guns, openly holding
them, ready to shoot any clown. Decoy pulls up in the Decoy
mobile.
DECOY
Your the one whose been going
around murdering innocent people,
it's a pity Capeman isn't here, but
I am, so I'll stop you villain.
The Determinator doesn't even pay a second thought to Decoy,
it just lifts up it's machine gun, rests it pointing away
from Decoy on it's shoulders, and squeezes off a shot.
DECOY
HA! You missed, and now I'm going
to get medieval on your ass-
The bullet richosase off a billboard, hits a moving car,
bounce's off the wheel trim, collides with some pimps golds
chain, hits a drain pipe, bounces off a gutter, hits a the
supports of a movie sign which falls down on Decoy, squashing
him flat.
DETERMINATOR'S POV - Everything is red again, as the
Derterminator scans Decoy's corpse. A readout of data comes
up on screen. The words "Deader then Keanu Reeves acting
abilities" flash up.
EXT. THE STATELY HOME, ENGLAND - the Ruperts, two old men,
and LORD EDGY are busy shooting pheasants with Smedley.
Hopkins is nearby.
EDGY
From the future eh? Here to rescue
someone from a fate worse then
death eh? Well, can't say I know
much about warfare. I fought the
Nazis in the last war, don't you
know, but they were never a real
test.
Of course now they own half the
bloody continent. You much good at
shooting pheasants, Smedley?
SMEDLEY
Can't say I have really.
EDGY
Well, maybe our other guest can
show you how it's down.
(to someone off screen)
Mr D? Come and show us how you do
it.
Another Determinator walks on, dressed in an expensive suit
like everyone else. Smedley can't believe it.
EDGY
Ever done much pheasant shooting Mr
D?
DETERMINATOR #2
Affirmative.
The second Determinator takes out a mini gun and aims in the
sky, firing continuously until it runs out of rounds.
Hundreds of pheasants hit the ground. Determinator's POV -
the pheasants litter the ground, while a counter records how
many have been killed.
DETERMINATOR #2
Four hundred and sixty two
thousand.
EDGY
Damn, that's half me stock. Oh
well.
A dog cocks it's leg on the Determintor's leg. The
Determinator looks down at it, pulls out a small rocket
launcher and blows up the dog. All that's left is the legs,
smoking but still standing. Smedley blinks.
INT. STATELY HOME KITCHENS - Hopkins is busy cleaning the
various shoes of the house guest that are stacked up neatly
on the kitchen table, including one pair with a pair of
endostructure legs still in them. Miss Thompson approaches
him.
THOMPSON
Excuse me, Mr Hopkins, but is it
true that the new guest with the
strange German accent is here to
kill someone?
HOPKINS
(friendly enough, he seems
to like her)
Miss Thompson, you must understand,
that as a servant it is not our
place to question our betters, be
they the Lord of the manor, his son
or their guests. Even if they are a
THX 90 killing machine, or a
bumbling English man with the habit
of finding guns he has no clue of
using who accidentally maims
members of staff with them.
Although I have informed our
Germanic guest how we respect his
countries Mr Hitler.
THOMPSON
We do?
HOPKINS
Well, you remember those two Jewish
servants the master had?
THOMPSON
Oh. Yes, indeed I do. Quite nasty
really. That reminds me, Mr
Hopkins. Mr Smedley was talking to
your father and accidentally blew
his brains out with a gun he found
hidden in his sleeve.
This actually takes Mr Hopkins back a bit, but he makes a
good front of covering up his emotions.
HOPKINS
Oh, well, I'll just carry on with
my work.
(a beat)
It's what he would have wanted.
(another beat)
I think.
INT. THE TOMB OF LIBEARCHE - FANGTASTIC, looking very worn
out, a cut down one side of his face, rather raggy looking
clothing and a bandage over one hand is busy fixing the Timer
from "Uprisings" it too looks battered. There's a thumping on
the Tomb entrance., Fangtastic sighs, puts down the timer and
opens the door. Daylight floods in and Fangtastic screams as
he dives for the cover of the shadows. Liam, Harry and Bippo
step in.
HARRY
What's wrong with the Vampire?
FANGTASTIC
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
(he collects his wits)
I'm a Vampire, I tend to burn VERY
easily in direct sunlight.
BIPPO
Can't you put up a curtain round
there or something, block out the
sunlight?
FANGTASTIC
Can't get planning permission for
it, this is a listed grave. Anyhow,
what brings you lot here?
LIAM
There's a killing machine that's
been sent to murder Bippo from the
future.
FANGTASTIC
Bippo's from the future? I didn't
know that.
HARRY
No, the machine is from the future,
Bippos from Earth.
Everyone looks at Harry.
FANGTASTIC
Bippos from Earth?
BIPPO
You two take a bump on the head
each or something?
LIAM
Oh and Thad took on the robot, he
took off his patch and he could be
anywhere now, tearing people apart.
BIPPO
Sniffing butts.
HARRY
Cocking his leg on hydrants.
FANGTASTIC
Or looking for spare clothes.
LIAM
What?
FANGTASTIC
It's morning, he'll be human again.
Won't he?
There's a knocking on the tomb door again. Fangtastic hides
in the shade as Bippo opens it. Thad runs in with a large
over coat on.
THAD
I was right, the only safe place I
could think of that you'd all go to
was here. Drew, you any clothes I
could borrow?
FANGTASTIC
Huh, actually I'm in need of some
new clothes myself. I was going to
kill a few pimps tonight.
HARRY
You were going to dress like a
pimp?
FANGTASTIC
Good lord no, I was just going to
steal his wallet.
(a beat)
and maybe sleep with his whore.
LIAM
Ho, Ho.
FANGTASTIC
You didn't have to laugh, it wasn't
a joke.
BIPPO
I thought you killed prostitutes?
FANGTASTIC
(caught)
I do... I kill them in bed... with
my technique.
(thinking)
Phew, thank god they didn't find
out what I've really been killing.
BIPPO
You know, those bundles you've been
bringing to burn in the boiler room
really seem to be getting weirder.
Bumpier. I felt the forehead of one
while we were putting it in the
furnace and wow could you grate
cheese on it or what?
FANGTASTIC
Oh that's because I'm being too
rough on the bodies when I kill
them. Anyhow Thad, why do you need
clothes?
(thinking)
Damn, the clown may know too much.
Which is a pity since I like him.
Reminds me of his great grandfather
back in World War One. Looks a lot
like him too, even with that make
up on. I wonder if I should tell
him some time that I knew him?
Thad turns his back to the camera and opens his coat.
BIPPO
OH MY GOD!
LIAM
MY EYES!
FANGTASTIC
PUT IT AWAY MAN!
HARRY
Wow, bet the girls like you, eh?
THAD
I had to er, borrow this from a bum
on the street. That is, I think it
was a bum, all that was left of him
when I woke up this morning was a
hand clutching a beer bottle. In my
mouth.
FANGTASTIC
Gah, even I find that disgusting,
and I travel to alternate, er
venues, weird places, very strange
places and kill evil things that
deserve killing. I ever tell you
about this night club back home
called "the Village"?
The village people's "YMCA" starts playing while the gang
starts dancing to the tune.
LIAM
So, I know you get Cowboys,
Indians, Construction workers and
the likes at the YMCA but a clown,
a werewolf and a vampire as well?
FANGTASTIC
That's the kind of crowd there at
"the Village" too, well people
dressed up like them maybe. And yes
they are very…
(a beat)
"happy" in an Eddy Izzard, Boy
George and Julian Clary kind of
way.
THAD
What about clothes?
FANGTASTIC
Not needed if your in wolf form I
guess.
(he goes over the last few
sentences in his head,
rolls his eyes and shakes
his head)
Oh clothes for him to wear. Erm,
well it's not like I'm the same
height or build.
BIPPO
You said it shorty.
FANGTASTIC
Five foot Eight is not short, it's
average. Just.
(a beat while his ego
recovers)
But I ought to be able to lend you
something. I might have to have it
taken back in a bit afterwards.
LIAM
Now what about this robot? It's
locked onto Bippo and is trying to
kill him, it doesn't care who else
it get's.
BIPPO
Say, are any boy bands doing any
gigs here? Maybe I could hang
around with one or two of the
groups.
FANGTASTIC
That's very noble of you, I'll fire
up the boiler. Other then that, I'm
useless, 'less you've got some
sunblock. You know I would help if
I could, but without sun block, no
way.
HARRY
I've got some.
FANGTASTIC
FU -[BLEEP]- K! Okay, Thank you oh
so very much Harry. Thad, come with
me, I'll raid my wardrobe.
LIAM
That pile of boxes over there?
FANGTASTIC
No, the other pile. On the tomb
itself.
Sure enough, there's ten boxes piled up on Libearaches tomb.
HARRY
Isn't that just a bit
disrespectful?
FANGTASTIC
Well it's not like he's going to
complain.
INT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS ARTURO'S APARTMENT - Arturo is
busy eating breakfast, when Liam barges in.
LIAM
Mr Hilter, Mr Hilter, I- Hey, your
not Mr Hilter.
ARTURO
Blistering idiot, Liam, I've been
in here for months since Mr Hilter
died and Donner tried to become
President, and Stacy turned out to
be a raving Welsh psychopath
killer.
LIAM
Oh, yeah. I forgot. But… she's
always kinda been like that anyhow.
Thad, Bippo, Harry and Fangtastic enter.
ARTURO
Harry, where have you been? You've
got a new door to put up on Liam's
apartment, the looters nearly
cleaned him out of all his new
adult movies already before I could
stop them.
LIAM
ALL MY ADULT MOVIES? KARI!
NOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Liam takes off down the hall.
HARRY
Sorry Professor, it's just last
night we all got caught up in the
attempt on Bippos life.
ARTURO
Another one?
THAD
I had to wolf out to get the guy
down.
BIPPO
I had to jump out a window.
FANGTASTIC
I had to put up with them calling
at such an anti social hour.
ARTURO
It's eleven AM, what are you doing
up at this hour? Shouldn't you be
in your coffin?
FANGTASTIC
We can be awake at anytime we
choose, I just stayed up late today
and had to drink five cans of cola
to give me a caffeine buzz to last
till night time.
And I sleep in a bed, the idea of
sleeping in a coffin is repulsive
and is only spread by idiots and
hack writers who have NO idea what
their talking about. We only use
those travel about in when we go to
another country. Sides, the only
coffin in my tomb is taken, and
there's no way I'm sharing with a
coffin with an occupant with his
reputation. He could suddenly
become a zombie and then I'm in
deep shi-
ARTURO
Would you mind coming down off your
soap box, or rather, MY soap box,
please? So, you were all attacked
in Liam's room? That accounts for
the bullet holes and shotgun
cartridges I found all over the
place, but not the piece of ripped
off face I found bobbing in his
toilet which I've placed in my
freezer should the owner decide to
reclaim it.
HARRY
My work.
ARTURO
Yours? I was thinking it was going
to be his
[points to Fangtastic]
FANGTASTIC
Hey now, I wasn't even in the
apartment when this happened. I was
in another dieme- er, my crypt,
resting, and then this morning they
come barging in begging for my
help. And in Thad's case a change
of clothes. You got any eye drops
on you? My eyes are still sore from
the shock of seeing Thad's wei-
ARTURO
butting in
Yes, I was wondering where he'd
gotten all that leather from. A
most peculiar thing that, modern
day vampires being so interested in
that particular type of clothing.
I supposed the ripped look is in
now within the vampire circles is
it?
HARRY
Professor, we need your help you've
been on many different worlds, seen
many different things, have you any
idea how to stop this cyborg
assassin?
ARTURO
Well I- Cyborg? Are you serious?
HARRY
How many people could survive the
shock of having their face removed
and continue to fire a gun in such
a professional manner?
THAD
A zombie?
BIPPO
A vampire?
(beat)
Sorry Drew.
ARTURO
Well as it happens Mr Smith, I do
know just who to call in on this
matter.
EXT. UPPDA CREEK - a huge Red Truck with a grey trailer is
parked outside. The gang hang around it waiting for the
driver to step out.
LIAM
This is it? A trucker? What's he
going to do? Belch in the cyborgs
face? Chloroform him with his
armpits?
HARRY
You know Drew, the sun really seems
to be bringing out the colour in
your cheeks. You should try getting
out more often.
FANGTASTIC
Hmm, I am starting to feel the
sun's rays a bit, I need a bit more
sun block, Harry you got any more?
HARRY
No.
FANGTASTIC
No? What do you mean no? It was a
full bottle.
HARRY
I gave it to that bum on the
street.
FANGTASTIC
One minute people, I've a bum to
beat.
LIAM
So professor, how is some guy in a
truck going to help us?
ARTURO
You might want to ask your friends
over there.
LIAM
Drew?
He looks over to where Fangtastic has just grabbed the Bum
and is dragging the guy down a shady street.
ARTURO
No, Thad and Bippo.
LIAM
Thad and Bippo? But why?
In answer, Liam turns around and sees for the first time that
both Thad and Bippo are staring at the truck.
THAD
It can't be? Can it?
BIPPO
It must be, it must be.
Suddenly. much to Liam and Harry's shock, the cab section
starts to fall apart, all done in super expensive CGI. That
is, the headlight sections swing out forming arms, the lights
retract blue hands replace them. The wheels retract and
panels cover them, forming what appears to be legs. Finally a
blue head pops up on the shoulders, and the trailer is
inexplicably missing. The Robot of course is-
OPTIMUS PRIME
I understand you have a problem,
and that you think only I can help?
THAD & BIPPO
YAY!
A screaming noise is heard as the Bum is obviously beaten
severely by Fangtastic.
LIAM
I thought he was a cartoon
character?
ARTURO
Propaganda machine, to allow the
citizens of America to accept the
Autobots for what they are, heroes.
While the Decepticons are portrayed
as evil bumbling idiots. It went
down a storm back in the eighties,
surprised you didn't know anything
about it.
HARRY
Mr Prime, sir, I was always such a
big fan of your work. Your work to
protect Earth from the evil
dictatorship of the Decepticons, at
the expense of losing your own
homeworld last year, shows your
commitment to protecting us, and
not caring about the views and
opinions of your own men. Even
having your girlfriend dump you the
way she did. Your an example to us
all. Your nearly as a big a hero to
me as John Wayne is.
PRIME
Er, thanks. I think.
(a beat)
So what's the story?
FANGTASTIC comes back on rubbing a blood stained sun block
container on himself. He spots Prime, whimpers and faints.
LIAM
Mr Prime sir, can I ask a question?
How can a robot from another planet
have such a pronounce Texan accent?
PRIME
You know, I've always wondered
about that. Although that said,
Ironhide's ALWAYS sounded like that
since I first meet him, twelve
million years ago.
LIAM
Whose Ironhide? I was talking about
you. And don't exaggerate your age.
EXT. Further down the Vegas Strip - the Determinator is
walking down the street, when a grey robotic arm comes into
view and grabs it, pulling it into an alley.
DETERMINATOR
Let me go or I shall Determinate
you.
MEGATRON
I don't think so, my strangely
accented prisoner. I have something
of a preposition for you.
DETERMINATOR
I make no deals vith anyvon.
MEGATRON
Ah, but I think you'll find I have
something that will work in your
advantage. I know you want to kill
the clown up there, and I want to
kill that over popular, hyped up
idiotiotic ignoramus, pompous,
puffed up, politician, Optimus
Prime. But if I approach him, he'll
see me and kick my ass like he does
all the time.
DETERMINATOR
Somethink of a dilemma zere. Vhat
is your plan?
MEGATRON
I am going to transform into my gun
mode, when I'm in that mode I will
set my self to maximum, allowing me
to fire a concentrated nuclear
fusion blast directly at Prime.
This will damage him severally,
possibly causing him to fall on all
those humans that he cares for so
much automatically, regardless of
who they are, or maybe, killing
them all. And even if my shot
doesn't kill him, he'll be so
demoralised by having been
responsible for the deaths of so
many innocent humans, he will have
no choice but to resign as leader
of the Autobots, and then I will
conquer the universe. Mwaha!
Mwhahahaha! Mwhahahahaha!
DETERMINATOR
But if he iz a leader of unt
faction, surely a varrior vill vise
from zere ranks, unt assume
command, allowing zem to beat you?
MEGATRON
Yes, but most of his men are
idiotic boobs, incomprehendable
bores, pacifists, retards,
beuracrats, politicians or in one
case, possibly a practising
homosexual. With those kinds of
odds, against my backstabbing,
dubious, cowardly cretins, I can
easily win this war, but not with
him in command of the Autobots. All
I need you to do, is point me, and
fire.
DETERMINATOR
Vhy not fire yourself?
MEGATRON
I can't do that, strange design
flaw. I need you
to…pull…my…trigger.
DRAMATIC MUSIC
DETERMINATOR
Zat zing hanging in-between your
legs?
MEGATRON
(sighs)
Yes, that thing in-between my legs.
Wait! Not that thing in-between my
legs. Did that get out again?
Megatron's free hand disappears out of shot, and a zipping
sound is heard.
DETERMINANTOR
It is most fortunate for you zat I
am not programmed vith a sense of
humour, else I would be belittling
you vith a series of badly chosen
puns.
MEGATRON
Don't bother, I've heard them all
from the fans on the net. "Pull my
trigger", bah. Do we have a deal?
DETERMINANTOR
Affirmative.
MEGATRON
Excellent. Mwah Ha, Ha Ha Ha, Mwah
Ha Ha! HA!
Megatron transforms and shrinks into his handgun mode, the
Determinator, still several feet up in the air, falls
heaverly, busting one of it's legs. It picks up Megatron and
limps towards Prime and the gang.
EXT. UPPDA CREEK - Prime has just been told the full story,
and is contemplating it.
PRIME
Well, I've had time to think it
over, now all I have to do is come
up with a plan that will exactly
allow for every possibility this
killer could decide to make. And
come up with a plan that will allow
me to defeat whichever plan it
decides to proceed with.
LIAM
Your going to do what then?
PRIME
Take a wild leap in logic, based on
absolute no evidence given to me by
yourselves in the course of our
conversation.
I will then act on this gut
instinct of mine, defeat the enemy,
save the day, pull a vaguely funny
joke, watch my popularity with the
fans increase more, possibly past
the demi god status I currently
have now amongst humans and my own
troops, and somehow still remain
humble.
ARTURO
Prime, what's the most likely thing
this cyborg will do then?
PRIME
The most likely thing it will do is
kill every clown it can, until it
finds Bippo, or is satisfied it
must have gotten him. In which case
it would be safer to have you under
armed guard and surveillance 24/7.
However since most of my army got
wiped out by another god like being
last week, again, and are in status
chambers until we can figure out a
way to get spare parts, or
resurrect with some wonder chemical
that has some strange side effect
that will allow for a whole new toy
line to be developed. I'm going to
just let you stay out in the street
and try to tempt him out with you
as bait.
BIPPO and THAD are too paralysed with star struck glee to
take any notice of anything Prime is saying.
LIAM
Then you kill it?
PRIME
No, I will try to reason with it,
machine to machine.
LIAM
Why?
PRIME
Because it's my usual tactic, and
it's worked in the past. Actually,
it's never worked in the past. I'll
just shoot it.
HARRY
Here's your chance, he's limping up
the street right now.
Sure enough, the Determinator is doing just that, and raising
his gun at Prime. Bippo snaps out of his trance in time to
see this and panics.
BIPPO
OH GOD! SOMEBODY SAVE ME! I'M TOO
YOUNG TO DIE! PLEASE GOD SAVE ME!
PRIME
Wait, that gun in his hands, it
couldn't be. Megatron?
SFX SHOTS - The gun fires, everything goes slow motion. The
Determinator pulling the trigger. Prime pulling his gun out
of thin air. The spark in Megatron's barrel as the blast is
released. Prime levelling his gun. The blast leaving the
barrel. Bippo running around in circles behind Prime as he
squeezes off a shot. Liam, Arturo, Harry and Thad running for
cover away from Prime. Bippo running around still. Fangtastic
waking up. From his point of view, we see Prime get nailed
full on by the fusion blast and Primes own shot hit the
Determinator full on, setting it alight. Megatron the gun
goes flying in the air. As Prime falls he takes another shot,
it scythes through the air. Megatron begins to Transform and
gets hit midway into robot mode by Primes shot. Both robots
fall down with a couple of almighty thumps, measuring four on
the Richter scale, Prime narrowly missing Bippo who moves out
of the way just in time, only to run back into Prime in his
mad eccentric circle. Fangtastic gets up and looks around to
see that he's in-between Primes legs.
FANGTASTIC
Whoah. Oh damnit, now I'm talking
like Keanu Reeves.
THAD
OPTIMUS PRIME! Oh please, don't be
dead, don't be dead.
BIPPO
He gave his life so I could live
mine. Anyone want to see me burn
down a famous building to remember
him by?
LIAM
Hey, least that killing machine got
wasted too, but that other robot is
still up and about.
MEGATRON
Blast, even dying he has perfect
aim. Of all the luck, he got the
most. Oh well, farewell Optimus
Prime, you were always a worthy
opponent, pity you won't be around
any more because now I'm free to
suck this planet dry of energy.
Prime sits up and points his gun at Megatron. Megatron is
furious.
PRIME
Actually Megatron, as usual it
turned out that you forgot about
one very important thing.
MEGATRON
Blast, what the hell is it this
time? Did the sunlight bring you
back to life this time? You've got
more lives then a cat. Oh go on,
tell me, tell me.
PRIME
Sorry Megatron, it'll be a cold day
in hell before I tell you that. The
day I die, will be the day a huge
monster planet decides to eat our
homeworld. Well, that or the day
the Autobots are led by our answer
to a teenager while the Decepticons
are led by a raving psychotic.
MEGATRON
BWAAAAAH! Wait, what am I saying?
A grand Piano suddenly falls on top of Primes head, knocking
him out.
MEGATRON
... the hell?
Everyone looks up to see a small portable crane with a
snapped rope floating in the breeze. A workman pops his head
out of a window in a building the piano was supposed to be
delivered to. Megatron fly's off, Superman style. Prime lies
comatose on the street.
MEGATRON
This town is far too weird for my
liking.
I'd better get out of here, I left
Starscream in charge of the
Decepticon headquarters. Knowing
him, he's either plotting my
downfall or forcing the rest of my
army to dance to the greatest hits
of The Village People. If I never
hear him playing that blasted YMCA
song again, it'll be too soon.
Primus, I hope he's not playing the
navy song. The last time he did
that Soundwave started crying and I
had to put his kids to bed. I've
never seen so much Pokemon crap in
one room before.
LIAM
Oh sh-[bleep]-t, what are we going
to do now?
THAD
Leave him here to recover, it's not
like anyone is going to mess with a
forty odd foot robot now is it?
ARTURO
Besides, if he's died all we have
to do is wait for someone on his
team to rebuild him. Again.
HARRY
Come on, lets go inside. The latest
Kari Wuher sex flick is on, "Busty
the Vampire lover."
FANGTASTIC
Vampire Slayer?
HARRY
No, no, LOVER!
Everyone heads off to Liam's rooms to watch Kari Wuher stick
something inside a bunch of vampires, or is that the other
way around?
LIAM
You know, if there's one thing I
can't figure out is this. If they
sent back a killer from the future
to kill you, how would they know if
a change was made to the timeline?
And how did they get that
technology?
ARTURO
My boy, there's a simple
explanation for all this. Time
Paradox.
Liam smiles. Everyone goes off happy at that simple
explanation, and the fact that their going to see Kari Wuher
naked. The camera stops on Fangtastic for a second as he
thinks deeply about something.
FANGTASTIC
Should I tell them that I
encountered one of those things
back in the 80's?
THAD
Hey, Drew, you coming to see Kari
Wuher get her kabamas out?
FANGTASTIC
COMING!
INT. A ENGLISH MANOR HOUSE - the other Determinator stands
over a pile of dead bodies, including the staff, all
Rupert's, Smedley and Lord Topper.
DETERMINATOR #2
I vill come for you, Bippo zee
clown. Unt vhen I have killed you,
you von't be back. Ever.
EXT. UPPDA CREEK APARTMENTS, LIAM APARTMENT WINDOW - Harry
opens the window to take a look at how Prime is doing.
HARRY
Er, guys, how angry do you reckon
Optimus is going to be when he
finds out his wheels are gone?
THE END