THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
Episode 2.02: "Putting the Fun in Funeral"
Written by Jason Donner
PREVIOUSLY ON THE LIAM SMITH SHOW...
Episode 1.12: "For Better or Verse"
BIPPO THE CLOWN is in Liam's apartment along with MISTER HILTER, LIAM SMITH,
DONNER, CHOCOLATE TREAT, and STACY VaVOOM.
BIPPO
In 1997, I was given a vision by Albert Einstein in a
lucid dream where I was naked in a field of thistles. In
this dream, I was given information about a race of
underground inhabitants who live below the streets of Las
Vegas and are awaiting the right time to come from their
labyrinths and strike and devour millions. Only I... can
stop them when that day comes. Only... I.
Episode 1.23: "The Big Ones, Part One"
We see various scenes of the earthquake.
Episode 2.01: "The Big Ones, Part Two"
Bippo is helping Liam dig for survivors.
BIPPO
Well, what if this earthquake is a forerunner from the
apocalypse from below? What if THIS was the first sign
of a terrible cataclysm coming to the surface?
The entire gang plus KARI WUHRER has been reunited following the earthquake.
HILTER
Isn't this wonderful? You've got your jobs back, Kari
and Gary have found true love and most importantly,
everyone made it through the earthquake in one piece!
Now, everything can go back to the way things were and
will always be!
The WEREWOLF bolts out of the building and charges for Kari Wuhrer.
KARI WUHRER
Oh, a penny!
She bends down to pick it up. The werewolf flies over her head and into
Mister Hilter knocking him out of frame.
HILTER
WHAT THE FU--!?
Everyone - except Liam, who is still in a daze - is looking off-screen agasp
at something. The sound of snarling and ripping can be heard and the
werewolf's tail wags happily at the bottom of frame.
Liam, Stacy, HARRY THE HANDYMAN, and THAD COFFEY are sitting on the couch in
Liam's Apartment. All of them look tired and are staring off into
nothingness.
HARRY
I can't believe Mister Hilter is dead.
THAD
I can't believe I ate Mister Hilter. I feel
terrible.
STACY
So, when's Mister Hilter's funeral?
HARRY
Next week. There was quite a backlog at all the
cemeteries. I even tried Pet Semetary, but for some
reason bodies won't stay buried there.
[he looks at them, and
then with evil in his voice:]
The ground is SOUR!!!
And now, the continuation...
INT. LIAM'S APARTMENT
LIAM SMITH is standing in front of a mirror dressed in funeral attire and
trying to tie his tie. He gives up, throws it on the floor and picks up his
mangled fifty dollar clip-on (see Episode 1.21: "Booby Trap). The doorbell
rings.
LIAM
It's open!
DONNER enters wearing funeral clothing and sunglasses.
DONNER
Yo, Liam! Hop to it! We gotta go! Funeral starts in a
half hour!
LIAM
Why are we always in a hurry? Huh? Hurry! Hurry!
Hurry! Why can't we just enjoy this precious gift called
life?
DONNER
Okay! We don't have to hurry! I guess Mister Hilter
isn't going anywhere anyways! HA!
LIAM
Donner! That was shameless! There are some things you
shouldn't joke about and death is one of them!
DONNER
Of course you can joke about death! It's the human
defense mechanism! Think about all those jokes when the
Challenger blew up! It's just our way of protecting
ourselves from what we fear the most! Numbing the impact
of death by laughter!
LIAM
I never thought of it that way. You're quite a
philosopher, Donner.
DONNER
Yeah, yeah, yeah... now, get downstairs and let's get to
the funeral before the worms turn the old guy into
compost!
Donner goes to the door and opens it. There stands a beautiful woman, KATHY.
KATHY
Gah!
DONNER
AHHH!
KATHY
Who are you?
DONNER
Who are you!?
[a beat]
You busy tonight?
Liam walks over.
LIAM
Can I help you?
KATHY
I think so. I was supposed to meet my father here.
LIAM
Your father?
KATHY
Yes, my father. We haven't seen each other in almost ten
years... you know how it is. Anyway, could you tell me
where I can find him? His name is Hilter.
DONNER
Say, what a coincidence! Liam, that's the same name as
our Mister Hilter!
[to woman]
Man, you should have seen it. BLOOD EVERYWHERE!
LIAM
[woman]
Uh... What's your name?
KATHY
Kathy. Kathy Hilter. My father's the superintendent of
this building.
DONNER
Don't you mean "was"?
KATHY
No, I mean "is"! What... What's going on here?
DONNER
Well, Mister Hilter is...
[a pause]
Uh... you don't know?
KATHY
Know what!?
Donner looks at Liam, then at Kathy, then at Liam, then at Kathy, then at
Liam, then at his watch.
DONNER
Whoa! Look at the time! Gotta run! Liam, why don't you
answer all of Miss Hilter's questions! Buh-bye, now!
Donner runs away. Liam looks at Kathy and laughs nervously.
LIAM
Ha, ha, HAAAAA... How awkward.
FADE OUT
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THEME SONG
(sung to the theme of "Unforgettable")
Unforgivable...
That's what took place.
Unforgivable...
The beast ate his face!
Mister Hilter's gone, he's bought the farm,
you read it all here with much alarm...
What a blow... to the Liam Smith Show!
Mister Hilter should not've been so edible...
The werewolf eating him was unforgivable...
You must think I'm unforgivable too!
OLÉ!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE LIAM SMITH SHOW
STARRING
Dian Bachar
as
"Liam Smith"
GUEST STARRING
Cameron Diaz
as
"Stacy VaVoom"
Robert Floyd
as
"Bippo the Clown"
John Goodman
as
"Elvis"
RuPaul
as
"Chocolate Treat"
The Stick
as
"Harry the Handyman"
Betty White
as
"Doris Winchester"
and
Jason Donner
as
"Donner"
SPECIAL APPEARANCES BY
Jet Li
Jackie Chan
Sammo Hong
and
Will Sasso
as
"King Mole"
SPECIAL GUEST STAR
Reese Whitherspoon
as
"Kathy Hilter"
EXT. A CEMETERY
The entire gang, LIAM SMITH, THAD COFFEY, BIPPO THE CLOWN, DONNER, STACY
VaVOOM, ELVIS, HARRY THE HANDYMAN, and DORIS WINCHESTER are attending the
graveside service of Mister Hilter. The casket is laid out with flowers as
two gravediggers work a little ways away digging Mister Hilter's grave.
KATHY HILTER is there as well talking to Liam.
LIAM
...and, after all, there really wasn't that much of him
to bury. Just the indigestible parts and we had to wait
three days just to get those! Oh, the smell!
KATHY
I don't think I want to hear anymore.
Thad Coffey walks over to them.
THAD
Hi, I just heard that Mister Hilter's daughter was here?
KATHY
That's me. Kathy Hilter.
THAD
Wow, Miss Hilter. I just wanted to say how sorry I am
that... you know... your father... passed on.
KATHY
He didn't pass on! He was eaten by a werewolf! I swear,
if I ever find this werewolf person, I'm going to skin
him alive, shove a rifle up his butt, and yank his balls
off with a garden weasel!
THAD
[a pause]
Hope you find him. If you need me, I'll be standing on
the other side of the service hiding behind that big
tombstone.
LIAM
Is there anything else you need Miss Hitler?
KATHY
I don't think so, I just...
[a beat]
Did you just call me Hitler?
LIAM
Hitler?
[scoff]
Why would I do something like that?
Liam walks towards the service.
LIAM
[mumbling]
Hitler? How dumb!
Kathy follows him.
EXT. THE SERVICE
Stacy VaVoom looks at Chocolate Treat.
STACY
You know, the least the little pimply freak could
have done was show up at this funeral.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
I agree. Gary runnin' off with that Kari Wuhrer person
and leavin' you high and dry and leavin' Liam's heart in
a vice so's I can't get me a piece of him? She's a
bitch!
STACY
And Gary's the biggest bitch of them all!
ELVIS
Excuse me, ladies. We're ready to start the service.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
You're conducting the service? You? Since when do you
do funerals?
ELVIS
Well, I figured I'd cash in on a growing market. Las
Vegas is the number two murder spot in the USA!
Bippo jumps into frame.
BIPPO
That's right, we're number two and rising! LOOK OUT,
WASHINGTON D.C.! WE'VE GOT YOUR NUMBER! WE'RE CLOSING
IN ON YOU, BABY! YEAH!
Bippo jumps out of frame. We see Liam and Kathy join the crowd.
ELVIS
Well, now that everyone is here... let's begin.
Everyone takes their seats.
ELVIS
Mister Hilter... what can I say about this man? He lived
the way he died.
HARRY
In the digestive tract of a mutant canine?
ELVIS
Shut up, Harry. Mister Hilter was a decent man. A good
man. He was a man that I called friend.
Everyone looks at him, confused.
ELVIS
When no one else was around, okay? Jeez! If it doesn't
happen during one of our little crises, it like it
doesn't happen at all!
[a pause]
At this time, I've asked Doris Winchester to say a
few words. Doris?
DORIS walks up to the casket.
DORIS
I knew Mister Hilter longer than anyone else. I was the
first tenant of Upda Creek Apartments... well... even
though I didn't meet any of you until late last year.
And tell me something... that sit-down midnight pot-luck
dinner you had back in March. Why the hell wasn't I
invited? What do you think I am? A doorstep? And
another thing, which ever one of you bastards who keeps
stealing my newspaper better stop or I'm gonna open a can
of whupass on you! You hear me!? All you sons ah
bitches best not fu-[BLEEP!]-k with Doris Winchester!
Elvis is trying to pull Doris away.
DORIS
What are you...!? Get your damn hands off me! I will
KICK you in the NUTS!
ELVIS
Sorry... she's been drinking.
Elvis pulls Doris away. HARRY THE HANDYMAN gets up to say a few words.
HARRY
Ahem. Well, I'm the Handyman of Upda Creek and I knew
Mister Hilter for many years... all spent there in that
broken run-down no-good... FIRETRAP! Oh, GOD! I've
wasted my life! I've wasted my life! Oh, death! Take
me! Take me! End my suffering and take me!
Harry breaks down in tears and Thad pushes him back to his seat.
THAD
I uh... I'm not too good with speeches. Let me say that
Mister Hilter was... kind... caring... and uh...
generous... and delicious.
Everyone glares at him.
THAD
Did I just say delicious?
CUT TO:
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE
Liam is speaking.
LIAM
Uhhh... well... I... uh... I only had the opportunity to
know Mister Hitler...
EVERYONE
HILTER!
LIAM
What? Forget it. Look, I only knew him for a year and
let me tell you that he was one of the few nice people I
met when I moved to this whacked-out little burg! Sure
there was Donner and that Jayelle Correy chick.
DONNER
Who?
LIAM
Jayelle Correy. You know?
Donner stares blankly.
LIAM
Jayelle... Forget it. Anyway. Mister Hilter was a
great guy and a true friend and that's all I got to say
about that.
CUT TO:
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE
Bippo has a raw whole chicken and is wearing a chef's hat. He is preparing
to cook a meal with a nearby stove.
BIPPO
[high voice]
...and then you sprinkle liberally with lemon pepper!
CUT TO:
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE
Stacy is speaking.
STACY
...and then he just ups and leaves with the slut! Can
you believe this!? I'm ready to marry this man and he
just blows me off! And another thing I hate about Gary,
is the way he always...
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE
Chocolate Treat is speaking.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
One night I was walking home down the strip and a
thunderstorm blew in. There was rain and hail, the works
baby. Well, Mister H pulls up in his car and offers me a
ride home. Can you believe that? He came out looking
for me 'cause he was worried. I offered him a freebie
but he politely refused saying he wasn't in to "those
kind of things".
[She pulls a Kleenex
from her bra and dabs
her eyes.]
I loved Mister Hilter.
Chocolate Treat blows her nose. She looks for a place to but the soiled
tissue but can't find one. Finally, she lifts the lid of the casket and
throws it inside.
THE GRAVESIDE SERVICE
Donner is speaking.
DONNER
You want me to say something about Mister Hilter? Fine,
I'll say something about Mister Hilter. Everytime I came
up with a quick way to make money off of the suffering of
third world countries or by exploiting workers in sweat
shops, that old windbag always had to but in with his
opinion on why I shouldn't do those sorts of things. I
guess he was like the conscious I never had...
[a beat]
I'm going to miss that.
[a beat]
But just think about how much cash I'm going to
make now without any morals!
Elvis enters frame and politely pushes Donner away.
ELVIS
Okay, that's all done with. What do you say we bury this
guy? You know, dust to dust and all that jazz.
Everyone mumbles in the affirmative. Kathy jumps up.
KATHY
Are you people all insensitive or just crazy!? This is
my father we're talking about! My father,
and you're all just going plant him in the ground like a
daisy!
Liam raises his hand.
LIAM
Uh... this is what he wanted.
KATHY
He... wanted?
LIAM
In instructions he left to be opened in the event of his
death. He said that we should make the service quick
because he said that the cemetery wasn't safe.
KATHY
It's a cemetery! What are you all scared of?
Witches or vampires or some damn thing?
Everyone looks at each other and snickers.
KATHY
What?
EVERYONE
Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
LIAM
Look, all we know is what Mister Hilter told us and that
is all we need to know because never once was Mister
Hilter wrong! You'd have known that if you'd stuck
around while he was alive!
KATHY
How dare you! I will not be questioned by a
simpering little toad like yourself! There is nothing to
be afraid of! There is nothing dangerous in this
cemetery!
EXT. THE GRAVEYARD
The two gravediggers a few dozen feet away begin to scramble out of the hole
they've dug.
GRAVEDIGGER #1
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
GRAVEDIGGER #2
HELP! IT'S SOMETHING DANGEROUS!!!
Both of the gravediggers are pulled back into the hole by a hundred or so
little gray arms. Splatters of blood rain down on the ground and blood
splashes up into the air as the gravedigger's screams echo through the
cemetery.
EXT. THE SERVICE
Everyone is staring.
BIPPO
HOLY...!
EXT. THE CEMETERY
The gravedigger's screams have stopped. Now, bloody chewed bones are tossed
from the hole along with the gravedigger's livers, spleen, bowels, and other
untasty parts.
EXT. THE SERVICE
The camera zooms in on Bippo.
BIPPO
This is it! This is it! This is that apocalypse from
below I've been telling everyone about! HA! You all
thought I was crazy, well... WHO'S CRAZY NOW!!!??? HA!
HA! HA! HA!
EXT. THE CEMETERY
Hundreds of three-feet tall creatures with sharp teeth and claws climb out of
the grave and growl and snarl.
EXT. THE SERVICE
As before.
STACY
Ew! What are they?
BIPPO
Those, my busty babe, are the Cannibalistic Mole Men From
Below! They intend to eat everyone in the city and keep
eating until they can't eat anymore! Then... they'll
wait three days and eat again! It's a binge and purge
sort of thing.
LIAM
Well, what are we waiting for! Let's get 'em!
Liam starting running for the mole men. Everyone else stands there. Liam
sees that he's alone and stops.
LIAM
Well, come on!
Everyone looks at each other and then shrug.
HARRY
If we have to.
LIAM
ATTACK!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEDOM!!!!
Everyone runs into battle leaving Kathy looking on.
KATHY
They're all nuts!
FADE OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- There's some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's
Mastercard.
- Gimme a light...
- Be all that you can be.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
EXT. THE CEMETERY
It is utter pandemonium. Liam, Bippo, Stacy, Chocolate Treat, Thad, Doris,
and Elvis are all fighting the hundreds of Cannibalistic Mole Men From Below.
BIPPO
About forty Mole Men are advancing on Bippo the Clown ready to rend him limb
from limb and eat him. Bippo holds out his hand and indicates to them that
he wants to do a trick. The Mole Men, obviously not that bright, stop and
watch as Bippo shows that there's nothing up his sleeves. He then proceeds
to pull out a long, long, long string of tied together multi-colored
handkerchiefs from his pocket.
THAD
Thad has picked up a folding chair from the graveside service and is whacking
the diminutive mole men on the head. He then climbs up on a headstone and
leaps off taking out seven Mole Men at once.
DORIS
Doris, obviously still drunk, staggers over to a headstone, leans against it,
and proceeds to light a cigarette. Five mole men appear behind her. She
takes a swig of alcohol, holds up the lighter, lights it, and spits out the
booze throwing flames all over the attacking mole men. They all run away
hitting themselves in the head trying to put themselves out.
ELVIS
Elvis is laying out mole men with his pelvic thrust of destruction (See
episode 1.18: "Touched By an Angler"). He is also singing "All Shook Up" and
eating a rotisserie chicken.
BACK ON BIPPO
Bippo is still pulling the long string of handkerchiefs out of his pocket.
The ever-growing crowd of mole men watch in awe.
DONNER
Donner gets out his cel phone and dials as he runs away from a swarm of
hungry mole men.
DONNER
Get me Jet Li on the double!
[a pause]
Jet! Hi! It's Donner! Hey, listen... we just had an
army of mole men or something turn up in Las Vegas.
Think you can come down here and take care of it?
INT. A MANSION
JET LI has the phone.
JET LI
Mole men? Donner, I am on my way!
Jet Li turns to a group of people sitting in the shadows.
JET LI
Evil has raised it's ugly head in Las Vegas. It is time
for Chop-Chop Trio to spring to action! CHOP-CHOP
TRIO... SOUND OFF!!!
The individual members jump and flip out of the shadows when their names are
called.
JACKIE CHAN
JACKIE CHAN!
SAMO HONG
SAMMO HONG!
JET LI
And I, JET LI! Together we are...
ALL THREE
THE CHOP-CHOP TRIO!!!
The trio run out the door, jump into a helicopter, take off, and then crash
to the ground in a huge fireball.
EXT. THE CEMETERY
Donner is running. He looks at his cel phone.
DONNER
DAMMIT! Not again!
BIPPO
The crowd of Mole Men has increased and are watching in amusement as Bippo
continues to pull the handkerchiefs out of his pocket. He is looking nervous
and doesn't even notice when his boxers come out tied to the handkerchief
string.
THAD
Thad is still doing wrestling moves. The Mole Men pin him to the ground and
twist his legs. HARRY rushes over.
HARRY
Tag me, man! TAG ME!!!
Thad reaches and reaches and finally tags Harry.
HARRY
[unusually deep voice]
Ever'body who wants to see Harry the Handyman put some
hurt on these freaky little mole things, gimme a "hell
yeah!"
CROWD
HELL YEAH!
Harry grabs one of the Mole Men and twists it's head off with his bare hands.
HARRY
And that's the bottom line, 'cause Harry the Handyman
said so!
BIPPO
Bippo is visibly sweating as the crowd of mole men begin to tire of his
handkerchief trick.
CHOCOLATE TREAT & STACY
Both of them are fighting valiantly.
STACY
I don't know how much longer I can keep this up!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Only a couple of hundred of these little suckas left,
girl!
STACY
But... that's so many!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Listen, just picture something weaker in the place of the
mole men! Kittens, puppies... something like that!
Then, it won't seem so daunting!
Stacy looks at the mole men and narrows her eyes into slits.
STACY'S POV
The approaching mole men are getting closer and closer. The image ripples
and now the mole men are replaced by hundreds of tiny GARY THE FANBOYs.
GARYS
[high pitched voice]
Gary and Kari sittin' in a tree!
K-I-S-S-I-N-G!
BACK ON STACY & CHOCOLATE TREAT
Stacy's face turns a bright red and steam begins pouring from her ears.
STACY
GRAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Stacy runs past Chocolate Treat and into the fray of Mole Men. She bites out
several of their Adam's Apples, puts her thumb in their eyes, rips out their
tongue, and guts a few of them with her high-heel pumps.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Remind me to never get that crazy bitch a puppy or a
kitten!
BIPPO
Bippo is still pulling the handkerchief string out of his pocket.
BIPPO
Aw, screw it!
Bippo reaches into his other pocket and pulls out an AK-47 and mows the Mole
Men down.
BIPPO
Now this is what I call a fu-[BLEEP!]-king funeral!
WHOOOOOOO!!!
Bippo continues to fire.
HARRY
Harry leaps on top of Mister Hilter's casket and jumps on five mole men,
breaking all of their spines. Kathy runs over and dusts off the coffin.
KATHY
Crazy! All of them are crazy!
A mole man sneaks up behind her, conks her on the head, and drags her back to
the tunnel the mole men came out of in the first place.
EXT. THE CEMETERY
A helicopter flies down low, and a group of people slide down on ropes.
Donner runs up to them.
DONNER
Thank god you're here! Listen, the...
[he looks]
Who the hell are you people?
CHICK
We're the California Dreams from the hit NBC Saturday
morning television series. We could be the next Saved by
the Bell!
DONNER
Well, be still my beating heart! I said The A-Team
not the California Dreams! GAH!
[he takes out his cel phone]
LOUSY RECEPTION! STUPID ANALOG! YOU GO BYE-BYE NOW!
Donner chunks his phone and stomps off. A wave of Mole Men attack the
California Dreams and strip their bones of flesh leaving them nothing but
quivering piles of crap.
EXT. THE CEMETERY
Near Mister Hilter's casket, Thad and Harry take a look around.
THAD
The mole men are retreating!
LIAM'S VOICE
They are?
Camera pans down to reveal Liam crawling out of his hiding space under the
casket. He stands up.
LIAM
That'll show those Mole Men bastards who's boss. Oo, if
only they hadn't taken Kathy down below with them.
Donner, Doris, Chocolate Treat, Elvis, and Stacy run up to them.
ELVIS
What's that? The Mole Men kidnapped Kathy Hilter?
STACY
We've got to go after her!
DONNER
Whoa! Hold up! Why should we! I mean, come on! She
was a total bitch!
LIAM
Donner... Kathy is Mister Hilter's daughter and I think
we owe it to Mister Hilter to get her back. If it was
any of us, he would have done the same thing.
DORIS
Yeah... [hic!] ...if Matlock wasn't on.
THAD
Well what are we waiting for!? This is my chance to atone
for eating him!
The gang, minus a drunk Doris and a disapproving Donner charge into the
tunnel. We see now that the cemetery is littered with the mutilated bodies
of mole men and unfortunate bystanders.
DONNER
Buncha idiots.
Doris pukes off screen.
DONNER
Now that was just in bad taste!
DORIS
Don't know... tasted okay on the way down.
FADE OUT
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
COMMERCIAL BREAK
- Feed the Children!
- Making the world a better place: The bastards at Phillip Morris.
- Stay tuned! Coming up next on UPN it's... uh... who really cares?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
INT. THE CAVERNS OF THE MOLE MEN
Kathy is brought in by several Mole Men chained and shackled in a skimpy
outfit resembling Princess Leia's Jabba slave girl outfit from Return of the
Jedi. She is brought before a grotesquely overweight and large mole man...
KING MOLE.
KING MOLE
So, my mole men have brought me a prize!
KATHY
Oh my god! You're disgusting!
KING MOLE
In time, you will learn to appreciate me.
KATHY
I'll have to have a lot of time just to walk your
circumference! You ever hear the words "stair master",
tubbo?
KING MOLE
Ah, a feisty one! How wonderful! I like them spicy.
KATHY
Listen, fatso! You can ravage me, do horrible and
unspeakable sexual things to me... but I will never
break! You hear me! I'll never...
KING MOLE
A Mole Man have sex with a human? How disgusting! I
would never do such a thing!
KATHY
But you said you like your women spicy.
KING MOLE
I do. But they can never be spicy enough!
He snaps his fingers and a couple of mole men come over and start to sprinkle
seasoning on Kathy.
KATHY
Aw, hell.
KING MOLE
I feel like Shake and Bake tonight!
MOLE MAN #1
Kin ah help?
KING MOLE
You sure can!
The Mole men shove Kathy into a large plastic bag with a bunch of shake and
bake mix. They begin to shake her.
MOLE MAN #1
It's Shake n' Bake and ah helped!
KING MOLE
She looks about ten minutes a pound to me. Preheat the
oven to 350!
Suddenly, the doors burst open and Liam, Thad, Bippo, Chocolate Treat, Stacy,
and Harry run inside the cavern.
STACY
Ew! Who's the fat tub of crap on the throne?
BIPPO
I saw him in my dreams! It's the King Mole!
LIAM
All right, King Mole! We destroyed your troops leaving
you defenseless! Now, give us Kathy Hilter or you'll
regret it.
King Mole laughs.
KING MOLE
IDIOTS! Did you honestly think I would send all my
troops to the surface? What kind of incompetent boob do
you think I am!
King Mole snaps his fingers and the lights come up to reveal an impossibly
large army of millions of mole men waiting in the shadows.
THAD
Well... this sucks.
BIPPO
I don't understand. According to my dream, I was the
only one who could stop the mole men from conquering the
surface world!
LIAM
Well, do it quick!
BIPPO
I don't know how!
EVERYONE
You don't know how!?
BIPPO
I woke up before I got to that part. Stupid clock radio
and stupid Rick Dees.
[a pause]
Hold on a second.
Bippo pulls out a piece of paper labeled "PEOPLE TO KILL". He writes "RICK
DEES" under the names "KATHLINE TURNER", "ROBERTO BENINI", and "STUART
LITTLE". The names "JOHN DENVER", "CHRIS FARLEY", and "NICHOLE BROWN" have
been crossed out.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What do we do now?
KING MOLE
Now you all get devoured by me!
Harry elbows Thad in the ribs.
HARRY
Ironic, huh?
THAD
SHUT UP!
King Mole laughs, but then stops when a rumbling sound is heard.
KING MOLE
What the heck is...?
BLAM! A section of the cave roof caves in revealing CAPEMAN dressed
uncharacteristically in Silver and Purple and not Gold and Purple.
LIAM
Capeman!
[a pause]
Interesting outfit.
CAPEMAN
These are interesting times. Not to fear, citizens! I
will save you all!
STACY
We don't have that much cash.
CAPEMAN
Free of charge!
Everyone gasps in shock.
CAPEMAN
CAAAAAAAAAAAPEMAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!
Capeman flies through the room pummeling the mole men like it ain't nobody's
business. He is still overwhelmed by the sheer numbers of the mole men army.
Harry and Elvis, in the meantime, have cut Kathy out of the plastic bag.
Bippo looks sad.
CHOCOLATE TREAT
What's wrong, Bippo?
BIPPO
I was suppose to've stopped the mole men and now
Capeman's going to do it. Look at him with that silver
suit! He looks like Liberache!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
Bippo, maybe this is how things were supposed to have
played out. You know... maybe you were only supposed to
be here and Capeman was supposed to have taken care of
the mole men.
BIPPO
Maybe.
[a pause, then with violence:]
BUT IT'S NOT FAIR!
Bippo kicks a nearby stalagmite which breaks and falls away hitting another
stalagmite which hits another which hits another and so on. Soon, the
columns holding up the cave are crumbling left and right. Capeman sees it
and motions to the gang.
CAPEMAN
Out! Get out!
The gang runs out the tunnel.
KING MOLE
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Capeman flies out of the tunnel just as the cave collapses, burying the King
Mole and the Cannibalistic Mole Men From Below forever.
EXT. THE CEMETERY
Liam, Stacy, Harry, Elvis, Thad, Chocolate Treat, and Kathy climb out of the
tunnel. Capeman is the last to exit.
BIPPO
Wow! Did you see? Huh? Huh? Did you see? I stopped
the mole men! I killed them all! Me! Not you, you,
you, or you! ME!
Capeman laughs and pats Bippo on the shoulder.
CAPEMAN
And a great job you did of it, chum!
Donner and Doris runs to them.
DONNER
What happened down there? Who...!?
Donner sees Capeman and stares.
DONNER
Nice outfit.
CAPEMAN
Thanks.
LIAM
Capeman saved us all and didn't even charge us a fee!
DONNER
Oh, a change in your routine, Capeman?
CAPEMAN
There's going to be quite a few changes around here, my
friend. Quite a few.
Capeman flies away. Donner watches him go.
DONNER
Affect my cut of the profits? We'll see about
that!
KATHY
I... I don't believe what just happened here!
STACY
Believe it, sister. That's pretty much commonplace
here.
KATHY
It looks like I have a lot to learn if I plan on staying
here.
Everyone nods and laughs.
KATHY
...which I'm not, so I don't have to.
Everyone stares at her.
KATHY
Aw, Hell... I guess I'd better tell you now. Daddy left
Upda Creek Apartments to me and I've gotten an offer to
buy it from a company who wants to make a parking lot out
of it.
Everyone stares at her.
KATHY
But... hey... I mean... if... if... you want to buy it
from me, I'll be glad to sell it!
CHOCOLATE TREAT
[suspicious]
How... much?
KATHY
One million dollars!
Kathy puts her pinkie to the corner of her mouth and raises one eyebrow.
HARRY
Where are we going to get a million dollars?
Everyone looks at Donner.
DONNER
Look, I'd love to help out! Really I would! But you
have to understand that I don't have that kind of cash on
hand! I'm liquid in many places!
BIPPO
I hear you, brother! I have the same problem!
Bippo buries his face on Donner's shoulder and begins crying.
DONNER
It'll take me at least seven weeks to get a million!
KATHY
Oh, that's a shame! I need the money in six!
LIAM
Six weeks to raise a million dollars or we're all out on
the streets? How could this get any worse?
THAD
Please don't say that! PLEASE! GOD! YOU JUST
HAD TO SAY THAT!!! DAMMIT!!!
FADE TO:
INT. DONNER'S PENTHOUSE APARTMENT - THAT NIGHT
Donner enters the darkened apartment, throws his coat into a chair, and
stands there. The camera angles to reveal a dark figure behind him.
DONNER
Still here, are you?
There is no response. Donner quietly pours himself a glass of wine.
DONNER
I just had a horrible, horrible day and now I come home
and find that you're still hanging around. I
should have gotten rid of you a long, long time ago and
saved myself the additional headache.
Donner glares at the figure.
DONNER
You want a war, tinker-belle, you got one!
DARK FIGURE
No, Donner... You've had a war for quite some
time. You're just loosing now and it's gained your
notice.
DONNER
I haven't lost anything yet and I don't intend to.
DARK FIGURE
So then... the game's afoot, eh?
Donner takes a sip of wine.
DONNER
Yeah. It is soooo afoot.
FADE OUT
THE END
ROLL CREDITS