Jabba the Butt: A Remembrance to a Fishy Friend

So, my fish died.

Big deal, right?  Oh no, my friends, this was no ordinary fish, it was a fat little ball of pure awesome.  A Porcupine Fish with the personality of a dog and the malevolence of a psychopathic killer.

jabbaHis name was Jabba… Jabba the Butt.  I called him Jabba the Butt because he was an asshole.  Yes, this fish was an asshole but he was my asshole and it was because he was an asshole that I loved him so much.

Jabba wasn’t content to eat shrimp like a normal Porcupine Fish.  Rather, he was insistent upon destroying small goldfish.  He refused to eat anything that wasn’t alive.  Jabba wasn’t just content with just eating his goldfish, he would play with them, torture them, and then chew on them just enough to keep them alive and then, before they bled out he would suck them into his maw and allow them to spend their last terrifying seconds being dissolved in his stomach acid.

This bastard of a fish would attack the glass anytime we would get close as if to say, “You’re next, fucker!”

Once, I stuck my finger in the tank just to see what would happen.  Little bastard bit me so hard, he cracked my fingernail and came very close to breaking my finger.  I wouldn’t do that shit again.

Then, about a week ago, the little devil stopped eating.  He would actually allow goldfish to go unmolested and undemolished.  He would just look at them impassively as they swam by, mocking him with their continued existence.  His condition got worse and worse as the days dragged on until one night, he passed away and, I’ll be damned, if I wasn’t sad.  This fish was just the most awesome fish in the history of all fish.  He was more awesome than Flipper, more awesome than Jaws, and more awesome than Nemo.

In any case, this marks the end of my career of a saltwater aquarium enthusiast.  I love marine tanks, but they take took much time, cost too much money, and the last year it seems like every time I do something to try and even out the levels of the water, I only made things worse.  So, this is it… for now, at least.  In a few years, I can pay someone to come out and take care of it for me.

Goodbye Jabba, my fishy friend.  You’re in heaven eating angels now.

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.