Fear the Walking Dead: “Pillar of Salt”

http://slightlywarped.com/fear-the-walking-dead-pillar-of-salt/

We open with… Who is this?   Oh yeah.  We open with Francisco taking his family on a leisurely stroll through a zombie field.  Kudos to this little trooper.  This is how you navigate a bushel of zombies.  You could learn something from her, you little shit.

Too bad dad sucks at the hiding because they’re found out and captured by the bad guys who take them away.   On a stealth scale of Ninja to Sumo, Francisco rates about as stealthy as Donald Trump’s racism.

Meanwhile, Fear the Walking Dead reminds us that Ofelia still exists.   She has a pleasant flashback of getting proposed to which makes her and her potential hubby start making sexy time.   A useless flashback, but at least we know where she got the skills to siphon gas, amiright?

Repair montages are the fastest way to repair things.   Everything at the hotel looks perfect now that it’s been cleared of zombies, but then BAM!   A white crazy bitch stabs Strand because All Lives Matter.  It’s looking bad for Strand who’s in a lot of pain, but at least he gets to live out his fantasy of being stripped by two cute Mexican twinks.  Zombies aren’t the only thing… rising if you catch my drift.   His penis.  I’m talking about his penis.

But, unlike his penis, Strand’s outlook isn’t that promising and he’ll die if they don’t get much-needed medication and so, Madison and… uh…. What is her name?   Oh yea.   Madison and Jessica go on the seventh annual “Oh my god we need medicine so let’s make an entire episode’s plot about it” trip.

Meanwhile, back at la colonia, Nick and… Luciana learn that Francisco and his family made a run for it and the colony’s future is in danger for some reason because Francisco was trusted by the people who the colony trades their water for drugs with.  Alexandro’s getting more and more pissed and keeps telling Nick that he should have faith in him.   Nick, being the druggie, is codependent and wants to have faith, but he can’t seem to get over the tsunamis of bullshit that Alexandro is sending out.    None of this really matters because nothing gets close to being resolved.  Nick and Luciana have an argument because the one American in a town full of Mexicans insists that they speak English.  How typical. Don’t matter, though… cause they totes in love.

The episode reminds us that Strand still exists which is nice.

Madison and Jessica make their way to the bad guy’s warehouse where they exchange fish and ice for drugs.   Francisco is there being held for information and Madison hears him talking about a guy who deals drugs with ratty hair so, of course, that could only be her son because he’s the only white guy with bad hair in Mexico.  In the second Crazy Bitch attack of the episode, Madison almost gets killed trying to get more information.

Madison goes back to the hotel and, in a crazy bitch encore, turns on the “Please Kill Us and Rape Us!” sign to attract Nick’s attention.   Alicia tells her that she doesn’t want Nick back because she’s finally got all of Mommy’s attention, so Maddy turns off the sign but not before it’s noticed by…. Travis?   I forgot he was in this show!   How nice of them to remind us.

REVIEW

Fear the Walking Dead or, as I like to call it, The Walking Dead’s Retarded Little Brother, is still hobbling along trying to come up with a reason for it to exist and failing with every opportunity.   The show doesn’t know where it’s going, it doesn’t know who the main character is, and doesn’t seem to care and, to be honest, I don’t think I do anymore either.   This show has problems… it’s uninteresting, it’s unconnected, and when they do anything that sets it apart from its parent show, they almost immediately ditch it to go back to something bland.   The first season was terrible, but when they actually dealt with the downfall of civilization, it was somewhat interesting so they stopped dealing with that.   Setting the show on the Abigail gave the show a different look and feel… so, of course, they abandoned that as well to go to Mexico where they proceeded to do pretty much the same thing The Walking Dead is doing only with characters I don’t give a shit about.  It’s gotten to where the only thing that sets Fear the Walking Dead apart from The Walking Dead is that Fear consistently sucks every week while The Walking Dead sucks mostly for season finales.

I continue to hold out hope.  It looks like the storylines are starting to come together again and things are about to actually start happening, but this was just yet another mostly zombie-free filler episode and I’m just getting so tired of the lazy writing and the idea that the show seems to have that us fans will watch anything with The Walking Dead stamped on it.

Of course, I’m still watching it so, I guess it’s true?

Goddammit.

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.