Dear sweet Zues, I do love Disney movies, but being the sick sadistic bastard I am, I often can’t help but look for the dark clouds in Disney’s silver linings. Can’t help it… Ever since I was a little kid, I wondered how long Snow White will stay married to a dude who molested her in her sleep. It was then that I realized that Disney movies can be ruined by the stunningly light application of logic to the sugary sweet situations that we are presented with.
And, since I secretly hate everyone, I decided to ruin those movies to a mass audience.
#8: Incest in The Lion King
I love this movie and in my eyes, it’s damn near flawless but there is something under the surface that mars this film. Something sinister, evil, and sick.
How does a pride of lions work? There’s tons of females and only one male, right? Or if there is more than one male, only the Alpha Male is allowed to mate with the females, frequently killing cubs that are not of his own seed. Already this had made Mufasa a murderer because you know Scar must have been getting some play on the side, what with that suave accent and gigantic brain, but that’s not what I’m getting at (even though that does kind of ruin the movie already).
What I’m getting at is this…
If you are to follow lion pack rules, where did Nala come from? There are three possibilities. One, she is Scar’s daughter which can’t be because she is still alive. Two, she is a unknown male lion’s father which also can’t be because she’s still alive.
So, Nala, who’s your daddy?
I’m your daddy, you filthy filthy whore.
So, what we have here is a severe case of inbreeding and, even if little Simba wanted to jump out of the gene pool to greener pastures, he wouldn’t have been able to because his parents betrothed him to his own sister!
That’s just fucking gross! How long has this been going on? Are Mufasa and Serabi brother and sister? It’s amazing that these damn lions have only five toes on each foot.
As it is, Simba eventually gives in to his pervert father’s wishes and not only has sex with his sister, but produces yet another inbred offspring who, later on, marries and has sex with her cousin.
Because if you can’t love your family, who can you love?
#7: Pinocchio: Condemned to Life as an Orphan
Oh, how we love the story of the little wooden boy who becomes real, but once Pinocchio becomes a real boy what happens after that? That’s where the tragedy comes in.
You see, in my opinion, it was terribly irresponsible for the Blue Fairy to grant Geppetto custody of this little boy. For one, it’s a little weird to have a little boy live with a single old man. Just saying.
Secondly, how old is Geppetto? At the least, he’s got to be in his sixties and Pinocchio is only created to be six or seven… tops. That means that the Blue Fairy basically created Pinocchio to be an orphan as Geppetto will have only a few more good years left in him before he dies as old men were accustomed to do at the time.
What will happen to Pinocchio then? An orphanage? What will the sisters say when he tells them that he was created out of wood and was turned into a real boy through “ungodly” magic? T’will be the sanitarium after that, if he’s not just whipped and burned outright.
You might think that my prediction of gloom and doom might be a little far-fetched, but think about the Pinocchio from Shrek? Know who’s missing? Geppetto!
Dear lord, please let my heart hold out until Pinocchio is old enough to take care of himself. Please don’t let my mind go to Alzheimer’s and please let my heart hold out until Pinocchio is old enough to take care of himself.
#6. 101 Dalmatians Cost Pongo his Nuts
Let’s look at the situation here. Pongo and Purty have ten puppies together which is fine and good. Hey, these things happen and they are Dalmatians which means you could sell the pups for a tidy profit which would come in handy if your husband is a shitty songwriter.
But then here comes Cruella De Vil and fucks everything up. Not really in the fact that she wants to skin the puppies and make a coat of out them, but the fact that she ends up – through no real fault of her own – dropping eighty-nine puppies in these poor people’s laps bringing the total number of dogs to 101 which would explain why the movie is titled 101 Dalmatians.
But here comes the horrible truth. Do you honestly believe that the owners allowed Pongo and Purty to remain – shall we say – intact after this incident? Hells no! You can be sure that Pongo was loaded into the car for a “ride” and taken to have his nuts cut off. It would have been the only way, after all. I mean, he is a horny bastard.
So, Pongo got a big family, but do you think it’s worth his nuts? I imagine not and I imagine that he bore quite a lot of bitterness towards his gigantic family after this.
Oh, look what the vet sent us, Pongo! It’s your balls!
#5: Beauty and the Beast‘s Questionable Parentage
Ten years we’ve been rusting, needing so much more than dusting…
I quote this song to illustrate my point about Beauty and the Beast and the hidden perversion within. We’ve got all these servants in the castle all turned into household objects by a magical spell which really sucks because it was through no fault of their own.
Seriously, why did all these enchanted objects hang around with Beast? Would you hang around with the spoiled brat who got you turned into a fireplace poker? I wouldn’t! Circus freakshow, here I come!
But getting back to the horrible thought about this movie. The servants were turned into enchanted furniture and appliances ten years ago which begs the question… where did Chip and his brothers come from?
It’s possible that Chip could be ten years old at the most, but he looks more like he’s seven or eight at the end. Besides, if he was a little boy when he was transformed into a cup and, assuming that his aging was magically halted, wouldn’t his emotional growth continue unhindered like that creepy girl in Interview with the Vampire?
This would mean he was born after the spell was cast! Was Mrs. Potts getting a little candlewax in the ol’ teahole if you catch my drift? What does it look like when a teapot gets fucked by a clock?
Let’s not forget that Mrs. Potts had an entire set of children, either. That filthy whore!
…and that’s where babies come from.
#4. The Incredibles‘ Marriage of Convenience
Most people see the story of Mr. Incredible and Elasti-Girl as some sort of superhero romance, but if you ask me it had to have been a marriage of convenience.
Walk with me, children… Mr. Incredible, you see, is incredibly strong. He can crunch a car without thinking about it, he can mount all kinds of destruction just by doing the normal things that you and I do and, if you ask me, that includes the act of making sweet sweet love.
I’m sure you’re catching on… Mr. Incredible making love to a woman would be like shooting her in the crotch with a machine gun and then blasting her between the legs with a fire hose until her head exploded. It just wouldn’t work without killing the poor female and you can’t tell me that Mr. Incredible can restrain himself in the throes of passion. I just can’t see that happening.
So, after killing several women with his incredi-penis, Mr. Incredible probably had to take an oath of celibacy to keep himself from murdering with sex again. This is probably why he took up crime-fighting as a way to make up for all the death and destruction his dick caused.
Then he met Elasti-Girl. She was beautiful, had a nice personality, and best of all… Mr. Incredible couldn’t kill her with an erection. I’m sure there is a spark of love in there somewhere at first, but you know that the entire time that Mr. Incredible was courting her, all he could think about was, “Holy shit! I can totally fuck this broad!” That’s all that was on his mind! Why else be completely unconcerned about getting to your own wedding on time? He didn’t care about the ceremony, he was just waiting for the honeymoon!
And, my God, can you imagine what that night of sex must have looked like? Mr. Incredible, releasing years of pent up frustration, probably took Elasti-Girl and pounded the shit out of her and Elasti-Girl, able to bend and morph in any position, probably made him scream like a banshee.
I’m sure he probably cried afterwards, begging forgiveness for all of the women his libido murdered. .
#3. Gaston is Not the Bad Guy in Beauty and the Beast
Quick! What was the name of the villain from Beauty and the Beast? If you said Gaston, fuck you, you’re wrong! Gaston was just some dumb prick who wanted to tear up Belle’s vagina. The real villain of the story is The Beautiful Enchantress.
Remember the opening monologue?
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a young prince lived in a shining castle. Although he had everything his heart desired, the prince was spoiled, selfish, and unkind. But then, one winter’s night, an old beggar woman came to the castle and offered him a single rose in return for shelter from the bitter cold. Repulsed by her haggard appearance, the prince sneered at the gift and turned the old woman away. But she warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within. And when he dismissed her again, the old woman’s ugliness melted away to reveal a beautiful enchantress. The prince tried to apologize, but it was too late, for she had seen that there was no love in his heart. And as punishment, she transformed him into a hideous beast and placed a powerful spell on the castle and all who lived there. Ashamed of his monstrous form, the beast concealed himself inside his castle, with a magic mirror as his only window to the outside world. The rose she had offered was truly an enchanted rose, which would bloom until his 21st year. If he could learn to love another, and earn her love in return by the time the last petal fell, then the spell would be broken. If not, he would be doomed to remain a beast for all time. As the years passed, he fell into despair and lost all hope. For who could ever learn to love a beast?
All right, let’s think about this: Lumier sings in “Be Our Guest” that “Ten years we’ve been rusting…” meaning that, since the Beast is about to celebrate his 21st birthday, he was cursed at the age of eleven. Let that marinate for a moment: This Enchantress cursed an eleven year old boy because he was unkind! He’s fucking eleven years old! I’ve never met an eleven year-old who wasn’t unkind! That’s part of being an eleven year-old!
Besides, this bitch shows up looking like an ugly old woman at his place and says, “Hey, let me spend the night in your house and I’ll give you this rose.” I challenge anyone reading this to honestly say that they would actually allow a strange old woman into your house. I think not. I guess that makes you “unkind” too. Let’s also not forget that this kid is ELEVEN FUCKING YEARS OLD and he’s probably been told a million times not to talk to strangers.
So, this Enchantress who has apparently been going door to door doling out judgments and punishments under no one authority but her own, turns this poor eleven year old kid into a beast. Does she stop there? Oh no… For this Enchantress is a vicious cunt who not only turns children into monsters, but also turns servants who were doing nothing but their jobs for meager wages into talking clocks, teapots, and candlesticks.
What a bitch!
This makes me wonder… what if Cogsworth was only a few days away from retirement or Lumier was engaged to a hot piece of ass in the next town? Sorry guys, you’re going to spend the next ten years as talking knickknacks because the kid you work for didn’t allow a stranger with a flower into his house!
Of course, she gives the poor kid a stipulation through which he can escape her judgmental wrath and that is that he has to love and be loved in return before his 21st birthday. Let’s not forget, though, that she has transformed into into a GODDAMN BEAST!!! AT THE AGE OF ELEVEN! Now, he will have to go through puberty as a beast with nothing but desperate servants in the guises of dresser drawers and cups to talk him through the birds and the bees. The poor kid can’t even beat off in his bathroom because his goddamn toothbrush is watching him and making a face.
Next, she plans to smite a baby for shitting its diaper.
Not to mention that this eleven year old kid who has been turned into a half-man half-bear half-goat thing is going to have to get some chick to love him. Doing that as a beast is like trying to eat soup with a fork!
What sort of perverted moral compass was this bitch Enchantress working with? You’d think that she’s at least have the goddamn decency to show up at one point and give some sort of meaning to the horrible existence she curses so many innocent people with, but she’s a no-show coward throughout the whole movie.
#2. Mushu is a Murderer
Mushu is adorable and, arguably, one of the last worthwhile things that Eddie Murphy was ever involved with. His teeny tiny dragon sidekick was a constant source of amusement and warmth in this action adventure cross-dressing movie.
So it’s perfectly understandable that we’re willing to forgive the fact that Mushu is a stone cold murderer.
Oh, that’s right… you forgot, didn’t you? Not only was he responsible for the beheading of one of Mulan’s ancestors, but he fucking kills the Great Stone Dragon, the spirit guardian of the Faa family. Not only does he kill the family’s only competent protector, but he uses the poor creature’s severed head to cover up his despicable crime.
After this brutal act of dismemberment against a fellow dragon, does Mushu actually express some sort of remorse? Oh no, he immediately starts to turn the situation to his own advantage to get in good with the Faa ancestors! Never once is he called out for the murder, never once does he have to answer for it, and never once does anyone say, “Hey, why is there a severed dragon head in the garden?”
This is like Spock killing Kirk and Starfleet deciding to give him command of the Enterprise!
Do you want to fuck me? I said, do you want to fuck me? I’d fuck me!
#1. A Bugs Life… of FAMILY GROUP SEX!!!
I’ve seen lots of hate for A Bug’s Life lately, and it’s completely unfair. Sure, it may be the third weakest of the Pixar movies (Thanks both shitty Cars movies), but that’s like saying that Miss January gives the third weakest blow job from the entire calendar. Frankly, you’re lucky you have it this good!
However, below the glitz and glamour of what is A Bug’s Life, you find the seedy underbelly of what makes this adventure truly disturbing.
The movie is about an ant colony and, as we all know, an ant colony has a queen: a sex starved whore who gives birth to every single one of the motherfuckers.
“Did someone say ‘fuck?'”
That means that everyone… and I mean everyone in the colony is a brother or sister and that means that Flick and Adda’s budding romance at the end of the movie is West Virgina special.
Of course, with incest, I suppose everything is relative.
The alternative, I suppose, is for Adda to just say forget it and not go out and fuck her brother as approximately 92 percent of everyone who visits this website does every day. That would mean, though, that she would have to mate with the king of the colony and take her mom’s sloppy seconds. Some big-balled low-hanging wrinkly old fart groping and crawling all over her every night. It’s no wonder that, out of her millions of sisters, no one else is eager to take the job.
“Bitch, get your ass to the bedroom and let’s make some babies!”