#10 – Candy Corn
This disgusting and continually returning candy confection is the thing that ruins Trick or Treating every year. Forget the razors, syringes, and poison apples that some kids bring home, it’s these carvings from Satan’s toenails that really puts a kink in your Halloween celebrations.
There are children who have gotten molested on Halloween night that are not as bummed out as the kid who empties his bag only to find these teeth-like confections of pure ass staring back at him.
Seriously, it doesn’t even qualify as candy – it’s wax! Put a wick in it and you could light it in case of power outages. It’s like it came out of Shrek’s ears on a q-tip! This candy is gross and, what’s worse is that it deceives you by appearance. You see all those different colors on the waxy cone of lies and you think, “Score, it’s going to be three different flavors.” Turns out that it is: Shit, more shit, and even more shit.
As if the devious machinations about its hideous taste aren’t bad enough, the candy corn (which is neither) now disguises itself as cute little pumpkins, ghosts, and other seemingly delicious foodstuffs. Listen, buddy, I could take a shit in a baking pan and say it’s a muffin, but after a couple of bites you’ll realize that it’s still just shit – and slightly better tasting than candy corn.
We’re not fooled either, we know why this candy is given out every year – it’s goddamn cheap. Why is it cheap? Because it has to be to keep the dickheads who buy the stuff to keep buying the stuff! Teach these assholes a lesson; When they dare try and sully your Hallow’s Eve bags with this affront to nature and all that is delicious, kick them in the balls and run away. What are they going to do? Call the cops? You’re in a fucking mask!
#9 – The Christmas Crowd-Out
It’s getting to the point that you have to buy your Halloween shit in September so that you can celebrate in any respectable way because, five days before Halloween, all of the ghostly goodness is shoved out the door to make way for the Holiday Season… which doesn’t even start for a fucking month!
I know, I know… Christmas is the more popular holiday where, instead of candy corn, you get Xboxes and the big man in the red suit that everyone celebrates is Santa and not Satan, but COME ON!!! We’re trying to teach kids to wait their turn and be patient, while we’re rolling out Christmas shit in goddamn July? Where is the lesson in that!?
Personally, Santa better watch his ass because when it comes down to a showdown between a fat man and a bunch of midgets against the armies of darkness, I bet on evil every time.
Do you realize that, with Christmas decorations coming out earlier and earlier every year that some stores are celebrating Christmas almost 1/3rd of the year? That’s friggin’ insane!
Come on, Jesus, you have your own religion for you’s sake! Leave Halloween and Thanksgiving alone!
#8 – Fall Festivals
You remember when children used to go to Halloween carnivals? They would dress up in costumes and go play games and have fun with friends? I cherish these memories – they are an integral part of who I am and what I will be. Go to the Halloween carnival, trick or treat, and then toilet paper some fucking houses. It was all part of growing up.
Well, no one has Halloween Carnivals anymore. Now we have these stupid Fall Festivals because celebrating Halloween offended too many people because we were observing a pagan ritual or something – of course, they combated that by making up our own goddamn pagan ritual in celebrating the Harvest!
What’s worse, would you like to know when they have started holding these Fall Festivals? Halloween! Fucking Halloween! So, it’s kind of like the old fashioned Halloween carnivals, only… there’s no costumes allowed and they play nothing but Christian music because these farces are often sponsored by churches. After all, nothing will expunge Satan from our Earth like not allowing kids to dress up like Clone Troopers and making them listen to eighty songs with the same beat and slightly different words.
Jesus Christ, we’re cutting the balls off of our own children before they drop now! Fall Festivals are a joke – They celebrate them around the same time as Halloween and kids are even wearing costumes to it again. Why not just call a spade a spade and call them what they are: Halloween Carnivals!
I’ll tell you why and it has to do with our next entry…
#7 – Christian Assholes
I want to get this out of the way, I’m not talking about all Christians, just the Christian Assholes. People who hang on every word that Pat Robertson says and thinks that handing out candy to some kid dressed as Batman is an act of Satan. Chances are, if you are as close to be normal as being a Christian allows you to be, you’re reading this and thinking, Yeah Donner, I understand what you’re saying.
If you’re pissed off and offended… you are a Christian asshole.
Please join the Atheist Assholes, the Islamic Assholes, and the Assholes of ever other religion on Earth in the corner of no humor.
These whiney and controlling dick monkeys are the reason why we don’t have Halloween carnivals anymore… these lonely and judgmental people who sit in the house in the dark lest they be required to look children in the eye and say, “No, I will not give you candy or Jesus will make my son gay,” bring nothing but sorrow and grayness to the world. I’m also fairly certain they are the reason Captain Kangaroo died.
These people piss me off. It’s bad enough that they violate their own commandments and “bear false witness” saying that Halloween is the devil’s birthday, but they want to take it a step further and dictate how me and my family and everyone around them celebrates Halloween. I don’t knock on their door telling them what assholes they are for not celebrating Halloween, but I have to listen to them preach to me from my driveway that I’m going to hell for carving a funny face into a pumpkin?
You are ruining what should be cherished childhood memories and that is evil.
What’s worse is that they will go on and on about the “pagan” holiday of Halloween and how evil it is, but then go out and celebrate the 4th of July or take Labor Day off and act like there’s nothing wrong with it. Sorry, Christian Assholes, but those are holidays established by non-Christian means and that makes them… pagan!
You’re going to hell for watching fireworks, you evil bastards. I’ll meet you there, but at least I’ll have some candy.
#6 – Sexy Halloween Costumes that Shouldn’t be Sexy
I’ve got no problem with naughty nurses or dominatrixes coming to my front door begging me for candy. As a matter of fact, I actually enjoy seeing otherwise conservative girls slut it up one day out of the year. I’m sure it’s liberating for them, and I get a little something out of it as well.
It’s recently that the sexy costumes have taken a turn for the bizarre as costumes that shouldn’t be sexy are suddenly sexy!
Nurse? Yes! Policewoman? Yes! Nudist? YES!
Freddy Kruger, Big Bird, Darth Vader, and Mrs. Potato Head? No… uh… yes… but no.
Come on, Spongebob Squarepants, for God’s sake! Girls are wearing skin-tight Spongebob costumes which seems cool at first, but a little while later when you’re watching the show on Nick and all of the sudden, you pop a mega-boner when Spongebob comes on, it’s awkward! I don’t want to be aroused by Spongebob Squarepants!
Oh god, now I want to fuck Robin.
#5 – Youth in Plain Clothes
It never fails… I go and open the door expecting to see various Transformers, superheros, and fairies and who’s waiting for me? A bunch of fucking teenagers wearing plain clothes with a pillowcase. Who the fuck are these people and what do they want? Candy.
Fuck you, high school musical. Come back when you buy a costume and put some fucking effort into it. You think I’m just giving this sugary shit away? Hell no, if a five year old can work for it, you can too.
Oh, I know… Putting on costumes isn’t cool and, when you’re in high school, you have to be cool. News flash, dickheads. You’re in high school and you are not cool. Sure, you may think you are and the media may be telling you that you are, but you’re not… the media is just telling you that shit to convince you to buy things. Things which are also not cool.
See? Now you’re sitting there saying, “I’m cool! I don’t give a fuck what this old guy is saying.” No… you’re not cool and you know how I know you’re not cool… you’re standing in front of a stranger’s house with a pillowcase begging for candy.
Not drugs, not money… candy.
You get candy corn, motherfucker.
#4 – Sundays
This is kind of related to the Asshole Christian rant, but kind of not… I hate it when Halloween falls on a Sunday. I really do. There’s always the religious leaders who come out with the bullshit about, “You shouldn’t do trick-or-treating on Sunday because then you become Satan’s whore,” but that’s really not what annoys me.
You see, when I was a kid and Halloween fell on a Sunday, we would go trick-or-treating, but it would be cut off by the parents early. Not for any religious reason, but because it was the end of the weekend and we had school the next morning.
If Halloween fell on any other day of the week, it wouldn’t be an issue. You want to stay out until 1 AM on Monday that would be fine. God forbid that you stay out past nine on Sunday.
Fuck you, Sunday.
#3 – Cutesy Decorations
Has this ever happened to you? You’re in the store and you see a gruesome zombie head on a spike and you’re all like, “Kickass! That’ll really scare the shit out of the little bastards who try and take my candy!” and then you pick it up and it starts fucking singing the Monster Mash.
I hate cute singing Halloween decorations especially the ones that would be awesome if they didn’t fucking sing. It’s that extra ingredient in a gourmet dinner that ruins it… you know, the goat cheese glaze on a steak or the rat shit on a Big Mac.
Halloween can be cute if you’re into all that. You can have a giant blow up Snoopy on your front lawn if you want and then you can go inside, put on high heels, and take a giant cock up your ass. I want my Halloween to be horrible, disgusting, scary, and the stuff that scars people for a lifetime and you can’t do that if it’s done to the tune of Purple People Eater!
#2 – Unoriginal Costumes
Guess why every Halloween since 2008 has sucked.
Yep, that’s why.
It’s not just the Joker that ruins Halloween, it’s Obi Wan Kenobi, Bumblebee, Tinkerbell, and every other trendy Halloween costume that comes to my door over and over and over again. I’m not one to preach against commercialism like some Seattle Starbucks hipster, but you know what? Fuck commercialism!
Goddammit, doesn’t anyone have any imagination anymore? If you’re fortunate enough to have parents that make you put together unique homemade costumes that actually force you to use your imagination, the sheep like herds of kids wearing the same store-bought costumes make fun of them because “Haha, you’re too poor to conform!”
This is how we solve this problem: Any time you see another Batman or another Hanna Montana come to your door. Pepper Spray them. Give the “poor kids” with orginal homemade costumes extra candy and allow them to kick your victims as they writhe on the floor.
#1 – The Pile of Candy on the Floor
There were many things my parents did to scar me as a kid. I was spanked, forced to go to church, burned with cigarettes and sold into the sex trade, but by far the very worse thing that was ever done to me happened after Trick-or-Treating.
It never failed… I would return from walking the equivalent of ten miles to gather as much precious candy as I could and, when I returned to the trailer home to enjoy the juicy fruits of my labor, I would always be told by my mom, who hadn’t moved her fat ass from the couch all night, “You can have one piece of candy and save the rest for later.”
What? I did all the work and I’m being told what to do with my haul? Fine… you’re the mom or whatever. I’d wake up the next morning, though, and all the best candy would be picked out of my pail leaving me the cheap peanut butter candy and whoppers boxes which we all know are at the bottom of the candy food chain.
They would sit there in that pail for months… a testament to the fact that all my work resulted in authority figures taking the best for themselves.
This is why I started Occupy Halloween. I am the fucking ninety-nine percent!