I am a mystery, baby, that cannot be solved for although I kind of like it when a lot of people die on the 10 o’clock news, I also enjoy the sickeningly sweet sing song Disney universe, so when someone in this cute and cuddly universe gets offed for the sake of the story, I’ll admit it… it makes me hard.
So, sit back and enjoy this list of the ten greatest exists from the world of Disney from 80 years of animated characters shedding their mortal coil.
#10 – The Ape Baby from Tarzan
Unless you’re a complete bastard or at least a very frustrated parent (looking at you, Casey Anthony), no one would celebrate the death of a child. Of course, I like children like I like my coffee… and I don’t like coffee.
I wasn’t expecting much from Tarzan except maybe seeing his man-ape balls accidentally slip out of his loincloth leading to a theater full of kids asking increasingly uncomfortable questions of their parents, but in the first five minutes when a baby ape was devoured by a leopard on screen allowing the audience to savor the terrified baby’s final shriek and facial expression before being turns into Meow Mix, my respect for the movie skyrocketed even though it didn’t provide us with said balls.
I suppose I should point out, for the sake of accuracy, that the ape baby in the picture accompanying this entry is not the tabby tidbit in question. The truth is, I couldn’t find a picture of the snack online and I wasn’t about to rip a picture off my DVD because I’m lazy. I did, however, find this picture of the ape baby after the attack and will include it here for exactness.
The only way this death could have been a more tragic experience for the parents who, of course, watched their only child get gobbled up by a feral feline is if the jungle cat barfed the baby up and it tried to walk to them a half-digested monster before getting torn to pieces by army ants.
I hear that’s coming in the unrated director’s cut, though.
#9 – Commander Rourke from Atlantis: The Lost Empire
If you didn’t see Atlantis: The Lost Empire, don’t worry… no one else did either and that’s really a shame because in the annals of Disney bombs, it’s one of the better ones.
But fuck it, we’re not here to talk about that.
You’ve got to hand it Rourke. Not only was he a mean sumbitch, but he also just didn’t know when to quit… and by quit, I mean die.
Check this, peeps. First, in the finale fight between Rourke who wants to steal Atlantis’ power source and Milo, the little geek who wants to preserve it, Rourke is like, totally wailing and beating the crap out of Milo and he’s thinking, “Hey, I’m going to win this and be home in no time to beat my wife too!” and then, Thud! Milo stabs him with an enchanted crystal shard and, before you can say “MAVERICK!” Rourke transmogrifies into a big crystal himself.
Now, at this point, you’d figure that any self-respecting villain would have just thrown in the towel and said, “All right, fuck it. I’m a crystal now! I’m done”
But not Rourke. No, this bastard just keeps on fighting and doesn’t stop until he’s CHOPPED UP IN A PROPELLER!!!
That’s right, kids. Disney, the home of classic children’s animation killed a character by chopping him up with a propeller.
I don’t have a problem with that, but couldn’t they have just left Rourke a crystal and left the propeller fate for that fucking monkey in Dinosaur?
#8 – Mufasa from The Lion King
Mufasa couldn’t have been more fucked over in an episode of Big Brother. There he is, trying to save his only son, when he is betrayed by his own brother and thrown to his death leaving behind a trampled corpse with little wildebeest hoof prints all over it for Simba to find and mourn over, forcefully raping audience emotions ever since.
It isn’t so much the heart-crushing after party that Simba and his tears throw following Mufasa’s death that makes it so memorable, but rather the murder itself. That wide-eyed realization that comes over Mufasa when he finally figures out that his own brother is about to kill him. You can actually hear “fuck” silently roll out of Mufasa’s mouth as Scar laments, “Long live the king!”
Supposedly, there’s actually a bootlegged joke copy of the movie where Mufasa screams “shiiiiiiiiiiiit!” as he falls to his death, but it’s nearly impossible to get hold of.
No, seriously. May God strike me down if I’m–
#7 – Sykes from Oliver & Company
Bleh. Finding a good animated Disney movie in their crop of 1980’s offerings is like trying to fish around in a shit-filled toilet with your bare hand and skinned knuckles and then, after you’ve done that… you have to eat a sandwich and there’s no way to wash your hands and you’re all like, “God, why am I eating this sandwich!?” but you can’t stop because it’s got a strip of bacon in it.
That’s what looking for quality in 1980’s Disney animation is like.
Take this rather dated and laughable Disney attempt at contemporary animation, a retelling of Oliver Twist with fucking cats and dogs. All right, it’s not that bad… I mean, it’s hilariously dated, but not bad and it does have a real gem of a death in it and that is the death of Sykes.
How awesome was this asshole’s death? It starts off with a brilliant kidnapping where he uses a cat… a cat to take a rich little girl hostage. Now, this guy is obviously a criminal mastermind and a tenacious badguy as, even as the little girl makes her escape he pursues her and her doggie friends in a high-speed chase across the city and into the subway system.
This is a guy who’s eye is so totally on the ball that he DRIVES HIS CAR onto FUCKING SUBWAY TRACKS!
So, this guy is dangerous, he’s fearless, and he’s obviously brilliant… but what is his undoing? Not watching where he was going.
He started out as a brilliant criminal, but Syke’s ended his life as a fiery smear on the tracks thanks to the good people at the NYC Subway System!
Thank you, Subway!
#6 – Ratigan’s Drunk Lackey from The Great Mouse Detective
Remember what I said about finding quality in 1980’s Disney animation? I’m sure that no matter how hard you try, you probably can’t so let me just say that quality does exist and The Great Mouse Detective is one of those delicious shit-flavored pieces of bacon and the death doled out does not disappoint.
This particular death proves one thing and one thing only. Ratigan’s a bastard and hates being called a rat. All right, so it proves two things. Nevertheless, you’ve got to feel sorry for this dumb bastard who Ratigan offs just for calling him a rat.
First of all, the poor little guy is drunk and obviously doesn’t know what he’s doing and, worst of all, doesn’t know that Ratigan’s cat, Felicia, is about to eat him. As a matter of fact, this drunken dumbass continues to sing as he’s lowered into the kitty’s jaws and probably continued to sing until his vocal cords were dissolved by stomach acid that tasted vaguely like 9 Lives and Felicia’s own asshole.
And you know that the lackey’s troubles didn’t end there. You see, I’ve always thought that if you die drunk you show up to heaven drunk. Would you like to explain to St. Peter why you’re drunk?
Maybe he went to Hell instead and it wasn’t so bad. After all, Hell would be a place where it would be smart to be a little tipsy.
I suppose for the sake of all the visitors here who love to point out my mistakes even when my mistakes are hyperbole and what-not, that the henchman in question is not pictured in the images that accompanies this entry. I tried and failed to find a shot of the doomed little lush, but not to worry… again, there is an after picture. Enjoy… you know, for the sake of accuracy.
#5 – Maleficent from Sleeping Beauty
Oh, Maleficent… you sexy evil bitch, you.
Maleficent is probably Disney’s premiere badass and, as a badass, this badass got a badass death. Transforming herself into a giant fire-breathing dragon with “all the powers of Hell!” as she puts it herself, she puts herself right between Prince Phillip and the castle that holds that sleepy ass he hopes so desperately to tap.
Now, it was not only amazing that Maleficent came down to fight the prince herself and turned herself into a goddamn dragon to do it, but she also cursed as she did it! I know that “hell” is not really that bad of a word anymore, but this was made in the 1950’s! If it was made today, Maleficent would have to scream, “Fuck you, Prince Phillip, and lick my nasty cunt!” to get the same shock value!
But nevermind that.
There’s a pretty awesome fight that finally turns Phillip’s way when the magical fairy godmother things enchant his sword and he chunks it at the dragon and nails that fire-breathing bitch right in the chest and kills her.
You know what was coolest about this death? Disney has the long-lived cliché of killing bad guys by having them fall to their death as to absolve the good guys from murdering anyone.
Not here… Phillip can go wake up Sleeping Beauty look at her square in the eye and say, “yep… I kilt ‘dat bitch. Now suck me, beautiful.”
And then she would service him orally, the manly dragonslaying swordchucker he is.
Gah! My tits! You motherfucking cock!
#4 – Clayton from Tarzan
Clayton was kind of an asshole so it wasn’t a huge tragedy when he died, but it was helluva awesome.
All right, so Clayton’s pissed off at Tarzan who has foiled his attempts to kill every single animal in the Congo so that Clayton can place their heads on his wall or something. Now, I’m a little fuzzy on how exactly they got up into the trees since it’s been a couple of years since I sat down and watched this movie, but they’re in the trees and Clayton and Tarzan are all fighting.
Clayton is like, “Hey, I’m Clayton and I’m gonna kick your ass!”
And Tarzan is all like, “Look at my nipples!”
And then, completely distracted by Tarzan’s protruding nipples, they fall and, while falling, Clayton gets a vine wrapped around his neck and hangs himself with a sickening snap.
Now, it’s interesting to note that many people thought that Tarzan tried to warn Clayton about his upcoming demise by shouting out “Clayton!” What isn’t known is that Tarzan’s entire line was “Clayton! I… HAVE HAD… ENOUGH OF… YOU!!!” Then he kicked him in the face sending him into the molten core of the newly created Genesis Planet.
However, Disney execs thought that this made Tarzan kind of look like an asshole so they cut the rest of the line.
LOOK AT THEM!!!
#3 – The Queen from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves
In a way, the Queen set the bar for evil characters getting killed off in Disney movies by falling but her fall in particular was a thing of fucking beauty.
Picture this and tell me if you don’t think it belongs in a Monty Python movie. The Queen disguises herself as an old hag and poisons Snow White. The dwarves come home and they’re all like, “Shit! Now we have to do our own dishes!”
Now, the dwarves are pissed off and go after the old hag. The hag goes up on a cliff to push a boulder onto the dwarves. Mind you, this is an evil magical queen who transformed herself into an old hag and conjured up a deadly poison. Basically, this is a chick who could probably boil your testicles inside your scrotum by just looking at them and what does she do? She tries to push a big rock on her pursuers.
But hey, you can’t really fault her. She’s using what’s convenient.
However, God doesn’t like two things about this woman. First, she’s evil and secondly, she’s not in a kitchen. God strikes down the old hag with a lightning bolt from above and, screaming, she falls off the cliff.
But that’s not the end of it, ladies and gentlemen, the boulder… the same fucking boulder that she was trying to push onto the dwarves FALLS ON TOP OF HER AND CRUSHES HER!!!
So, the Queen is dead having been electrocuted, splattered, and then crushed. THEN the dwarves show up ready to kick her ass.
This begs the question… did they abuse the corpse after she was already dead? You know that Grumpy would have because he’s just a bastard. Bashful would have because he could do things to a corpse that he couldn’t do with a live person. Dopey just wouldn’t know better. Next thing you know, you’ve got Seven dwarves kicking and pissing on a dead body.
Sometimes, it’s the things that a movie leaves to the imagination that really makes a death truly memorable.
#2 – Scar from The Lion King
Scar’s death follows what has to be the most awesome fight scene in Disney history. Scar and Simba face off in a slow motion sissy slap fight and, when it’s over, Scar falls off of Pride Rock.
However, in a great Disney twist, Scar does not fall to his death as so many other Disney villains have. Instead he actually survives the fall unscathed. Well, of course, this upsets him. He’s not the king anymore and you know the first thing going through his mind is revenge. “Yep, I’m going to totally kill Simba in the direct to video sequel,” he thinks and then, like his plan comes instantly to fruition, his hyena henchmen show up.
Scar is all like, “Oh yeah, baby. My homies is here! Listen, yeah… I got the shit smacked out of me and I kind of fell off the mountain, but I’m alive and it’s time to plot revenge!”
Whoopie Goldberg and Cheech don’t feel quite as affectionate since Scar tried to sell them out and as the hyena henchmen jump him, Scar gets his just desserts by becoming the hyena’s desert.
This is the Disney equivalent of watching Donald Rumsfeld and Condoleeza Rice eating George W. Bush after his impeachment which would have been weird, but at least it would have helped their approval ratings.
#1 – Bambi’s Mom from Bambi
Come on… you knew this was coming. A list of Disney deaths without the classic Bambi’s Mom going Blambi at the gun of a hunter would be like a porno without the moneyshot.
Of all the events that have fucked up children over the last six decades, the untimely death of Bambi’s poor mother has mercilessly destroyed more innocence and goodness in the world than that weird white van parked across the street from the Chuck-E-Cheese.
It’s a quiet day in the meadow when suddenly Bambi’s mom hears something. “Run, Bambi! Run!” she screams telling her child to get to safety. The hunters are getting closer. “Goddammit, Bambi! I said fucking RUN!!!”
And then BLAM! There is a shotgun blast and blood and little morsels of venison splatter all over the peaceful meadow. Bambi’s mother is dead… Bambi himself is an orphan… and I need ten years of therapy.
Thanks an assload, Disney. I wore heels because of you!