Cruel Opt-Out Forms

Have you ever tried to unsubscribe or opt out of notifications only to be guilted or otherwise harassed by the company?  Here are a few of the most mean and hilarious examples we could find.

“No thanks, I have no interest in what the ‘Tantric Yab-Yum’ position is.” Courtesy of Esquire Submitted by @amandaesque

“No wrapping because I hate fun.” Courtesy of Foot Cardigan Submitted by @laurajnash

“No thanks, I’ll stick to the latest Adam Sandler films.” Courtesy of Esquire Submitted by @mstcambot

“No thanks, I don’t want to be ahead of the curve” Courtesy of Car and Driver, which you may recall from “No thanks, minivans are more my speed” Submitted by @epersonae

“No thanks, I prefer dirty sand and cold water.” Courtesy of Harper’s Bazaar Submitted by mhhhhhhh!

“No thanks, I want to keep struggling.” Courtesy of Karate By Jesse Submitted by Zach Biesanz

“No thanks, I prefer a disorganized garage.” Courtesy of The Family Handyman Submitted anonymously

“No thanks, Coco Chanel is my personal stylist.” Courtesy of Marie Claire Submitted by Midnight

“No thanks, I prefer my sex to remain awkward.” Courtesy of Playboy Submitted anonymously

“No thanks, I don’t enjoy long, luscious, clump-free lashes.” Courtesy of Elle, which you may recall from “No thanks, I’m not interested in protecting my skin.” Submitted by Experimenting With Babies

“No I don’t like food” Courtesy of Degustabox Submitted anonymously (I miss the days when these had a bit more nuance, such as the legendary “No thanks, I like eating unhealthy food” from Reader’s Digest)

It seems that Paul Jarvis recently discovered that his Cruel Opt Out, “No thanks — I hate creativity!” is the primary featured Cruel Opt Out on this tumblr. Happily, he has a sense of humor about it.@lydialaurenson thanks for featuring my optin on your site/header (i honestly think that’s pretty awesome!)— Paul Jarvis (@pjrvs) April 10, 2015 my optin is also the header graphic for the cruelest optin’s on tumblr: (VIRAL OPTIN ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED)— Paul Jarvis (@pjrvs) April 10, 2015 Awesome :) P.S. Thanks for all the submissions! I’ve been working super hard lately, so I’m behind, but I’ll catch up and post all the new submissions soon!!

“I love companies that give back and use business to improve lives. Agree | Disagree” Courtesy of Toms Submitted by @twliterary, via @ellenhuet

“No, leave me alone forever, you fat idiot.” Courtesy of Louis C.K. Submitted by several anonymous people, including one who observes that “Louis C.K.’s UX designers are really good at understanding his brand.”

“Nah, I have no purpose.” Courtesy of Spoon University at Northwestern University Submitted by @myeo3 and one anonymous person

“No, I hate knowledge” Courtesy of the Genius app Submitted by @MbyM

“No, I already know everything, no interest!” Courtesy of Samurai Sword Shop Submitted by Zach Biesanz, who says, “Even the sword community!”

“No, I don’t want to be cool” Courtesy of Chess With Friends Submitted anonymously, by someone who says: “I’ve been playing chess since I was 7. What makes you think I’m concerned with being cool?”

“But… but… I still love you! Let’s talk this through rationally. How can we make things better?” Courtesy of Yipit Submitted by @salemkimble

“You’re making the peon cry.” I’ve been hearing a lot about these World Of Warcraft opt-out forms. Apparently, some of them were personalized – they would mention specific names of other players who would miss you if you left the game. If anyone has more WoW opt-out screenshots, I’d love to do a collection! Submitted by @Araninha901

“No, I don’t like things that are awesome” Courtesy of the Delicious mailing list Submitted anonymously


About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.