Alien: Covenant is a dumpster fire. A long, tedious, uninteresting and completely scareless movie that takes what should be simple survival horror and mixes it with psychological double-talk that is supposed to elevate it to philosophy, but really does nothing more than shove the movie’s head up its own ass so that it can sniff its own farts and convince itself that it’s some sort of designer perfume.
A month ago, I couldn’t have given two shits about Bato or Major or what happened to them in Ghost in the Shell. With Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, I got worked up over a talking racoon’s existential and emotional crisis.
You know the story. I know the story. My dog knows the story: A young woman named Belle is trapped by a Beast and, over time, she begins to see the tortured soul inside of him and then wants him inside of her.
This is not a bad movie… not in the least bit, but it has been done before and it’s been done better than this. I’m sure that, if you’ve never watched Teen Titans, you’d find this a perfectly fine movie and have none of the qualms that I did, but to me, it’s like watching an imperfect clone of something that was already imperfect.
I’m not an idiot, I knew from the start that there would be changes between the anime and this movie, but what I don’t understand is why Hollywood will remake something without improving it in some way. Sure, you can argue that they were bringing Ghost in the Shell to a larger audience that perhaps haven’t heard of it before, but this version is so underwhelming, you almost have to ask why they even bothered with that.
It really sucks because you can’t make a movie nowadays about something killing people in space without it being compared to Alien or, as is…
It’s an origin story and you all know how much I love superhero origin stories (I don’t). In this case, since it’s a story we haven’t seen properly told before, I gave it a pass for that, but it did fall into the superhero origin trap of holding off on all superhero action until the final act and thus, “Power Rangers” becomes more along of the lines of “Five Teenagers Bonding Featuring a Cameo by the Power Rangers.” It’s so frustrating that these movies do that to us so much.
‘Kong: Skull Island’ knows where its strengths are and makes no attempt to sell itself as anything different than what it is. This movie is about monsters, monsters fighting, and mayhem and, brother, it delivers on that.
When a magical threat threatens the Earth and the Justice League can’t deal with it… even though they’ve clearly dealt with magical threats before many many times, it’s time for Batman to recruit John Constantine, Zatanna, Deadman, and Jason Blood as a new team called Justice League Dark… even though it was Batman himself who told the Justice League that there was probably no magical threat in the first place.
Another classic Slightly Warped movie review returns with the 2011 found footage fart, Apollo 18! There’s something on the moon and it’s so stupid, we’ve never gone back!