Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

http://slightlywarped.com/ballistic-ecks-vs-sever/

I was excited to see this movie until in a chat with Jesse Glaspey, he informed me that the wordy, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever was actually based on a video game.

Well, immediately, bells and whistles went off in my brain and red flags began to go up. Another video game movie in the tradition of Tomb Raider, Resident Evil, Super Mario Brothers, and Street Fighter? Haven’t we suffered enough? Hasn’t Hollywood learned its lesson yet that a video game does nto a good movie make?

I guess the more important question is… haven’t I learned my lesson yet? I went to Tomb Raider expecting an exciting action adventure and all I got was insulting garbage. I went to Resident Evil expecting a slick zombie flick and all I got was unscary undead excrement. With that in mind, why the hell should I waste two hours and seven bucks on a genre that is currently batting zero?

Well, the simple truth is… I shouldn’t. But, I did. Oh God, did I ever.

Damn me and my crush on Lucy Lui.

The merriment begins when Agent Sever (Lucy Lui) kidnaps some little brat and Agent Ecks (Antonio Bandaras) is sent in to stop her. (You see, Sever’s kid was killed or something… I don’t know) Well, needless to say, lots and lots of stuff blows up. Train cars explode like defective propane canisters… cars fly through the air like you’re watching The Fifth Element or Back to the Future Part II, and lots of people get shot.

Annnnnnnnnd… allllll… of… thisssss… haaaaaaaappenssssssss… innnnnnnnnn… slooooooooooooooooooooow… moooooooooootionnnnnnnnnnnnnnn.

And, get this… Agent Ecks thinks that his wife was killed in a car bomb but, in reality, she was kidnapped by the bad guy in this movie and married him.

Yep.

Uh-huh.

Oh yeah.

Good God All Mighty, folks… This has got to be the most vacant movie I’ve seen all year. Not surprisingly, the end titles said, “Directed by Kaos”. Hell, I’m beginning to wonder if they meant an actual person or just the force of nature.

The acting in this movie… Oh, man. Don’t even get me started in on it. Even my beloved Lucy seemed to switch from one blank stare to another blank stare maybe twice in the movie.

And the end of this movie? Tuh! Sever has killed a hundred or so police officers and Ecks lets her go “…because she’s a mother!”

That’s all fine and dandy. I wonder how many cops she murdered were mommies or daddies?

Throw logic and intelligence out the window, kids! This is an incomprehensible mess of a movie. If you were a kitten-murdering terrorist pedophile, this would be the kind of movie that they would make you watch in Hell.

I saw this movie had a 0% on the Rotten Tomatoes’ tomatometer and I still went. Dammit, when will I frickin’ learn?

About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.