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Awful, Evil, and Offensive Jokes

http://slightlywarped.com/awful-evil-and-offensive-jokes/
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What’s the difference between a kilo of cocaine and a baby?
Eric Clapton wouldn’t let a kilo of cocaine fall out of a window!

The best jokes I know begins with “In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth.”
It’s WAY too long to type the whole thing out here. But it is so offensive, and clearly intended to be a joke.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool. The lifeguard asks to the class: “Does any one of you already know how to swim?”
Then the little Dimitri, all excited, answered: “Yes! I do!”
The thing is, the little Dimitri has no arms.
So the lifeguard doesn’t really trust him but the little Dimitri insists: “Yeah yeah I can assure you!”
The lifeguard finally tells him to give it a try.
Unexpectedly, the little Dimitri swims very well. To the point that the lifeguard asks him: “Where did you learn to swim like that?!”
Little Dimitri: “Oh I have experience. Each week-end my father brings me to the coast, throw me into the water and I have to get back to the shore really quick.”
Lifeguard: “Well… It’s a little bit harsh for a method, don’t you think?”
Little Dimitri: “Oh no it’s not that big of a deal. The most difficult part is to get out of the plastic bag.”

A woman is in the hospital giving birth. The doctor takes the baby, then promptly throws it out the window. The woman screams, “My baby! You’ve killed my baby!”
The doctor replies, “Jokes on you, it was already dead!”

I entered a strawberry picking competition the other day. Some woman with no legs won 1st place… jammy cunt!

Got in trouble with the wife at dinner time last night. Apparently when she asked me to turn on the veg, fingering her disabled sister isn’t what she meant.

A man goes into the doctors and ask for birth control pills for his daughter. The doctor informs the man that she must come in and ask herself. The man states that she is quite young, only 13, and too shy to ask. The doctor, horrified says, ” you mean to tell me you have a 13 year old daughter and she is sexually active???”. To which the man replies,” no not really, she just kind of lies there like her mother”.

It’s cup final day and three boys in the class want to go home early to watch the match.  The teacher decides to hold a spelling bee and allow the boys who spell their words correctly to leave school for the day to see their team.
Tommy, spell Dog for me please..
Easy sir, D-O-G..
Very good Tommy off you go, Martin spell Cat for me please…
Simple sir C-A-T very good Martin off you go enjoy the game..
Thank you sir!
Ahmed, I would like you to spell racial discrimination.

A family book into a hotel for the weekend, the father goes up to the receptionist and says, “I hope the porn here is disabled”. To which the receptionist replies, “Its just regular porn you sick fuck”

What’s worse than eating your grandmother’s pussy?
Banging your head on the lid of the coffin.

There was a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac, a sadist and a masochist sitting around… the necrophiliac says lets kill a cat and fuck it, the pyromaniac says lets light the cunt on fire then fuck it, the sadist says lets burn it, fuck it bury it, dig it up then fuck it again, the masochist says, “MEOW”

I hear that smoking and drinking can kill unborn babies – worth a try before you fork out for an expensive abortion.   What? What? I’m not made of coat hangers.

So I’m holding the door for this Japanese guy… And he looks over to me and says “Sank you!” Can’t believe he brought up Pearl Harbor like that.

Hear about the time Prophet Mohammad ‘s wife called him a pedophile?
Prophet Mohammad responded “Pedophile is a pretty big word for a 9 year old!”

Man goes to supermarket, he says to the girl at the window “can I have peanut butter chunky?”
The girl walks off and comes back with chunky peanut butter.
“No” says the man, “I wanted normal peanut butter, you fat cunt.”

I saw a black man carrying a TV down the street and I thought ‘wait, that’s mine’, but then I remembered that mine’s at home cleaning the staircase.

My wife offered to give me a blowjob today.
“Really!” I said.
“No,” She said, “April Foogargagggrraggggle.”
Teach her to try and be funny…

What’s the difference between Paul Walker and a computer? I give a fuck when my computer crashes.

My Grandpa said, “Your generation relies too much on technology!” I replied, “No, your generation relies too much on technology!” Then I unplugged his life support.

What do you call a five year old with no friends? A Sandy Hook survivor.

Jesus Christ fed 2,000 people with 5 loaves of bread and 2 fish, but Adolf Hitler made 6 million Jews toast.

What’s the worst thing about breaking up with a Japanese girl? You have to drop the bomb twice before she gets the message.

What’s got 5 arms, 3 legs and 2 feet? The finish line at the Boston Marathon.

How do Ethiopians celebrate their kids first birthday? By putting flowers on the grave.

Why do Mexicans never have Sex Ed. and Driver’s Ed. on the same day? They have to give the donkey a break at some point.

Feminism

So I suggested to my wife that she’d look sexier with her hair back… Which is apparently an insensitive thing to say to a cancer patient.

Most black 15 year-olds in this country are decent, law abiding citizens. It’s their kids who cause all the trouble.

What is a pedophiles favorite part about Halloween? Free delivery.

How do you kill a redneck? Wait ’till he fucks his sister then cut the brakes on his house.

What do you call 40 mexicans buried up to their neck in sand? A spicket fence.

What kind of file do you need to turn a 15mm hole into a 40mm hole? A pedophile.

How do you swat 200 flies at one time? Hit an Ethiopian in the face with a frying pan.

What is a redneck virgin? A seven year old that can run faster than her brothers.

Girls are like blackjack… I’m trying to go for 21 but I always hit on 14.

Why does Stephen Hawking do one-liners? Because he can’t do stand up.

Did you hear the Score of the Egypt vs Ethiopia soccer game? Egypt 8, Ethiopia didn’t.

What’s 9 inches long, pink, and makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth? Her miscarriage.

What’s difference between dollars and Jews? I’d give a shit if I lost 6 million dollars.

Whats the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin? Zimmerman knew how to dodge a bullet.

One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life

I don’t understand why Obama has to give his speeches behind bullet proof glass. I mean,I know he’s black and all, but I doubt he’ll shoot anyone.

What’s the difference between a Jew and harry potter? Harry can escape the chamber.

What do you call a woman who thinks she can do anything a man can do? Wrong.

What’s a word that white people can call white people, but black people can’t call black people? Dad.

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

Guy and girl are getting quite amorous, when he decides to go down on her.. After a few ventures down there he gives up, saying ” I love going the growl but damn you really stink down there”
I know it’s my arthritis, she says.
What in your cunt?
No in my shoulder, I can’t wipe my arse

What’s the difference between an ISIS training camp and a Pakistani wedding? I don’t know. I just fire the drone!

This is racist and I know it. I have no problem with any other races or beliefs but here it is…..
Asians are such terrible drivers I’m starting to think Pearl Harbor was an accident

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a lentil? I wouldn’t pay $200 to have a lentil on my face.

Kid walks out of school passes pedophile in van. Pedophile lowers his window and says “hey kid, you like candy?”
“yea”
Pedophile says “if I give you a piece of candy will you come in the van?”
Kid says “how’s about you give me the whole bag and you can come in my mouth?”

You know she’s too young for you if you need to make the airplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

The wife’s insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it’s cruel we’ve started testing our new products on rabbits.
She’s got a point, I work in a hammer factory.

hat’s the difference between an African baby and a pair of jeans?
A pair of jeans only has one fly on them.

Donald Trump.

 

 

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About the author

Jason Donner

Jason Donner devoured the universe and you are all living inside him.