Friday September 9, 2005
QUICK JOKE
There was once this married couple who loved each other very much, but
due to the man's job he was gone for days... sometimes weeks at a time.
He knew his wife was lonely and he wished that he could do something for
her while he was gone.
One day, while walking down a street after one of his many business trips, he happened by a gypsy shop. While browsing through the old woman's shelves of potions and totems, he noticed a large dildo sitting in the back. He asked the old woman, "What is this dildo doing here?"
The old woman smiled. "That is no ordinary dildo. That is a voodoo dildo!"
The old woman explained to the man that the dildo was possessed by the spirit of a legendary lover and told him that the dildo would obey any sexual command that was said to it.
The man thought it would be the perfect gift for his lonely wife and purchased it. The gypsy wrote down the instructions for the voodoo dildo on a card and the man took it home with him.
When the man got home, he waiting until he was about to go on another trip before presenting his wife with his present. He explained what it was and showed her the card about how to use it. He kissed her good-bye and left knowing that his wife would be taken care of while he was gone.
After a day or two, the wife was very lonely and decided to give the gift a try. Se undressed, took the voodoo dildo out of its box, and looked at the card. She then said the magic words... "Voodoo Dildo my pussy!"
The Voodoo Dildo went to work and pleasured the woman for hours and hours. After a while, she couldn't take anymore and reached for the instruction card to see how to get her present to stop. In her haste, however, she knocked the card off the bed and it drifted into the fireplace. The woman watched in horror as the card burned to ashes.
The woman tried several commands: "Stop! Cease! Quit! Abort!" but nothing would stop the voodoo dildo. Thankfully, the address of the gypsy woman was on the box the dildo had come in and, after throwing on some clothing, the woman got in the car and sped away.
She was a few miles down the highway when she was pulled over by a highway patrol officer. She sat uncomfortably as the arrogant and self-important officer told her that he pulled her over for speeding. The officer asked her why she was going so fast.
The woman explained the entire story to the officer trying to convey the urgency of her situation. The officer rolled his eyes at the fantastic tale obviously not believing a word of it.
After the woman was finished, the officer took off his shades, looked her square in the eye, and said... "Voodoo Dildo my ass!"
QUICK JOKE II
Two fish were floating in an aquarium. Their owner had left the
window open and the chilly winter wind outside soon sent the water
temperature plummeting. One fish looked at the other and said,
"Wow, it sure is getting cold!" The other fish exclaimed, "Holy
shit! A talking fish!"
QUICK JOKE III
For over a hundred years, a statue of a man and a stature of a woman
stood in a park across from each other. The statues were a
depiction of love at first sight and, over the decades, the statues were
the sight of many marriage proposals and wedding ceremonies.
The night of the statues' one hundredth anniversary, an angel came down from heaven and turned them into real people. She told them, "For years, you have inspired love in God's people and, in return, he has decided to make you mortal for an hour. You can do whatever it is you've wanted to do for a hundred years."
Without a word, the male statue grabbed the female statue by the hand the and two of them ducked behind some bushes. The angel waited patiently as the two fulfilled their deepest desires and, when the two statues returned they were both smiling and looked happier than the angel had ever seen anyone look.
Her heart melted and she told them, "Since you are enjoying life so much, I cannot bear to take it away from you so soon. Therefore, I will allow you to remain human another hour."
The female statue looked at the male statue. "That's great! Tell you what, you hold down the pigeon this time and I'll shit on it!"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
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I AM SUCCESSFULLY RELOCATED
Well, I'm here in Fort Worth and, for the next few years at least, I am a permanent resident of this fine city.
It's not without its drawbacks. For some reason, I can't get DSL service or wireless broadband out here so I'm stuck with crappy dial-up for the time being. Our cable service blows hard - they don't even have Cartoon Network or Comedy Central and we're paying about the same as we were back at our old home for half the channels.
Still, I'm glad to be here. The apartment rocks despite it being half the space we had before and Fort Worth offers about fifty times the amount of diversions that San Angelo offered.
I haven't found a job yet, but I know something will come along soon enough but it's going to be a little difficult thanks to the mass exodus of people from New Orleans and that area into Texas. In the meantime, it just means I'll have more time to work on improving the website and goofing off and junk.
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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DONNER vs. PARADYNE! Donner and Paradyne go head to head in a product promotion nightmare! |
And that's it for my first update from beautiful Fort Worth, Texas. Hey, it ain't Alaska, but at least it's a little farther North.
Friday September 22, 2005
QUICK JOKE
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by
the wall?"
The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for
his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire
bottle of laxative."
The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
QUICK JOKE II
When the nurse was bathing a female patient who had been in a coma for
many months, she noticed a reaction when placing a sponge between her
legs. When the doctor was notified, he called the husband and asked him
to report to the hospital immediately. Upon his arrival the doctor
explained that the nurse had seen a reaction when her private parts were
stimulated. He suggested that the husband should have oral sex with her
because it might lead to improvement in her condition. After about 15
minutes the husband came out of her room and announced that she was
dead!
"How did that happen?" asked the doctor.
"I think she choked to death," said the husband.
QUICK JOKE III
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing
surgeries they had performed.
One of them said, "I'm the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months
later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England."
One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms and
legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold
medal in 5 field events in the Olympics."
The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a
cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a
train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the
horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's President of the United States."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
OF HURRICANES AND THINGS
Fort Worth is pretty far inland, but never the less people here are getting ready for Hurricane Rita which some news agencies say might still be a category one hurricane by the time it reaches us.
Call me crazy, but I'm a little excited. We're far enough inland not to have to worry about storm surge, our new apartment is up on a hill so we don't have to worry about flooding, and unless this bitch goes and dumps tornadoes on us, I think we're going to be okay.
Still, this is going to be another heartbreaker. I can already feel it. I have great affection for New Orleans, the culture, music, and people there (despite this disgusting right-winged fueled propaganda to make them seem like ungrateful refuse) and I've take what's happened to that city pretty hard.
Now, Galveston, another city I love, is targeted by a killer storm.
Unless you've ever been there, you can't really appreciate what a beautiful city Galveston is. Of course, it's an island and that's always lovely, but what you don't really see is the 20's style style that dots the city which almost makes it look like New Orleans' twin sister.
My wife and got on a boat there during our honeymoon and spent a lot of time there. The place I loved the most was this place called Moody Gardens which houses a rainforest inside a glass pyramid.
When I think of what Rita might do to that place, I get sick.
So, I offer my prayers and well-wished to the people of Galveston, Houston, Beaumont, and everywhere in-between. I don't know if we're going to loose power this weekend or, if we do, how long it will stay off. Just know that my wife and I are safe and you'll hear from us soon.
If not... hey, it's been fun.
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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THE CORPSE BRIDE! Our eager and rather sick-minded photoshoppers have taken on Tim Burton's new darling. Check out the best of the best doctored movie images! |
Take care and fuck off, Rita!