Tuesday November 1, 2005
QUICK JOKE
Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a
young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you
looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on
the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years
- say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
QUICK JOKE II
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the
admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven,
you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go
into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the
first person came to the gates of Heaven.
The angel at the gate, remembering about the new law, promptly told the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."
"No problem." said the man. "Well, for
some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed
that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th
floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home
too and catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately
began searching for this
guy. My wife was half-naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire
apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him! Just as I was going to
give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that
there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of
that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and
promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But
wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall and
he didn't die. This pissed me off even more, so in a rage I went back
inside to get the first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I
unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the
side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the
moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died
almost instantly."
The angel sat back and though for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it was a crime of passion, so he announced, "OK, Sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.
A few seconds later the next guy came up. "OK, here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."
"Sure thing" the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"
The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.
"OK, picture this, " says the man. "I'm naked inside a Refrigerator..."
Joke submitted by Liam Smith. Yes, the Liam Smith.
QUICK JOKE III
A guy is screwing a great looking blonde.
The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have
you?"
He replies, "No."
She responds, "Oh, thank heavens for that!! I don't want to get that again...!"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
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brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
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WELCOME
RILEY!
With one phone call, Amy and I took off with a packed back and headed back to our old home of San Angelo. It's a four hour drive and we did it in the middle of the night. Arriving at two in the morning, we managed by the grace of God to get a couple of hours sleep before going to the hospital to await the arrival of our new nephew.
The trip, the waiting, and the exhaustion were all worth it to be there for the birth of my nephew Riley and to hold him mere minutes after he was born. Mother and baby are doing well, they are home now and resting and Amy and I are back home and resting as well.
Dear God, we are so totally going to ruin this kid.
WE BROKE THE WEBSITE!
As you probably noticed, slightlywarped.com was offline yesterday thanks to all of you little bastards selfishly logging on, driving our numbers to record levels, and completely
blowing the crap out of our bandwidth. Of course, this just had to happen on Halloween which is my favorite time to do crap to this site as you'll see in the updates below. Now, thanks to the downtime I'm talking about Halloween stuff in November.
Dammit, it's like I'm The Simpsons all of the sudden!
This blows because I had a really wicked awesome Halloween rant ready to go, but I guess I can hold onto it until next year since the conservative retards will still be retarded.
Anyway, I'm going to be taking precautions this next month to assure that this doesn't happen again. Looks like I'll be plunking down more cash for system upgrades. Wanna donate some cash and help an unemployed bum out?
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: HALLOWEEN BASH II! The first Halloween Bash was small, but this one is amazingly massive with over a hundred and fifty entries! Check out the best of the best! |
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HALLOWEEN HAUNT 2005 Check out pictures and anecdotes from our very own Halloween Haunt and the first one we've done since we moved to Fort Worth! |
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THE ARCADE We've put up a bunch of chilling Halloween-Themed games! Play and enjoy! |
And that's all there is 'cause there ain't no more.
Saturday November 6, 2005
QUICK JOKE
While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to pee all
over the blind man's legs.
A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the
bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"
To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am
feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."
QUICK JOKE II
A man walks into a bar one day and asks, "Does anyone here own that
rottweiler outside?"
"Yeah, I do!" a biker says, standing up. "What about it?"
"Well, I think my Chihuahua just killed him..."
"What are you talkin' about?!" the biker says, disbelievingly. "How
could your little runt kill my rottweiler?"
"Well, it seems he got stuck in your dog's throat!"
QUICK JOKE III
A pedophile and an 8-year-old are walking through some dark woods in the
middle of the night. The 8-year-old turns to the pedophile and says,
"Gee, Mister, it sure is scary in these woods!" The pedophile turns to
him and says "You think you're scared? I'm going to have to walk out of
here alone!"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
PANSY HURRICANES
I was thinking the other day about Hurricane Rita, Katrina, and Wilma. All of them caused large amounts of property damage and loss of life, FEMA is in tatters, and jagoffs like Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson are up in arms.
This is probably a first for this website, but I don't share the same opinion as Kayne that Bush doesn't care about black people. The Republicans have been trying to turn blacks away from the Democrats for years. They love black people. Now, did Bush and FEMA fuck things up? Oh, you bet your ass.
But the thing is, if people would have just evacuated there wouldn't have been as big of a problem. Yeah, I know what you're saying... they're poor and they can't leave. The mayor of New Orleans should have done something, the governor of Louisiana should have done something. All true. The Katrina response was a huge clusterfuck, but if you ask me it wasn't because of incompetence.
It's because these hurricanes have pansy names.
Honestly, who is going to run away from Katrina? To me, Katrina sounds like a hot deep-voiced Russian stripper who might spend all over her off time hunting for moose and squirrel. I'm not afraid of Katrina! Rita sounds like a lunch lady and when I hear the name Wilma, I think of a nice red-head baking a rack of brontosaurus ribs.
The National Weather Service needs to stop screwing around and start giving these storms proper names. Names that will strike fear into the hearts of anyone in its path. Storms that when you hear the name, you think... Oh, SHIT! Let's get the hell out of here!
Therefore, here is my humble suggestions for next year's hurricane name list.
Hurricane Asskicker
Hurricane Bowser
Hurricane Catastrophe
Hurricane Death
Hurricane Evil
Hurricane Fear
Hurricane Gacy
Hurricane Hitman
Hurricane I Know What You Did Last Summer
Hurricane Juggernaut
Hurricane Killer
Hurricane Last Rites
Hurricane Michael Jackson
Hurricane Nutcruncher
Hurricane OJ
Hurricane Pennywise
Hurricane Qaddafi
Hurricane Rape
Hurricane Satan
Hurricane Terror
Hurricane Uwe Boll
Hurricane Voldemort
Hurricane Dubya
Hurricane X-tremely Dangerous
Hurricane You Should Leave
Hurricane Zod
You tell people that one of these hurricanes are coming and I guarantee you that they will get the fuck out of the way!
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: CHICKEN LITTLE!!! This cartoon looks terrible to me and the photoshop goons agreed as we skewered and roasted this chicken. 2D forever!!! |
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CORPSE BRIDE, SKELETON KEY, LILO & STITCH 2 REVIEWED! A slew of new movies as we count down to the 1000th review on the website! |
Bye now.
Saturday November 12, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A fellow walks into a bar, and his eye is quickly drawn to a large glass
bowl filled with ten dollar bills. Intrigued, he asks the bartender why
the bowl is there. The bartender explains that it's an ongoing challenge
at this particular bar.
"For ten bucks you get a shot at three tasks -- if you complete them all
successfully, you'll get yer ten bucks back, along with the rest of the
money."
The fellow expresses an interest in the idea.
"Well," says the bartender, "it sounds a lot easier than it really is.
A lot of guys haven't been able to hack it. You gotta drink a whole one
of those kegs in the corner over there -- then there's this crazy mad
pit bull out back, through that door -- he's crazy on account of he's
got an infected tooth, so you'll have to pull that."
Some of the regulars start to pay attention to the guy, so he inflates
his chest and prods the bartender on.
"Well," says the bartender, "then you gotta -- upstairs is the lady who
owns this place -- she's pretty old, but you gotta -- well, you gotta
make her finish if you know what I mean."
"Bring her to orgasm?" asks the fellow.
"Yup," says the bartender. "That's the third thing."
Without hesitation, the guy proudly places a new ten dollar bill into
the bowl, and sets off to the nearest keg in the corner. The regulars
stare on, having seen many men fail.
After successfully draining the keg in record time, the man makes his
way out the back door, surprisingly staggering very little. For a good
half hour, painful sounds of growling and crashing come through the wall
as the regulars shoot knowing looks in each other's directions.
As the clamor outside subsides, and the bartender starts to add ten to
the running total cash pot, the fellow staggers in through the back
door, bloody, clothing in shreds, with a determined look in his eye. The
others look on in amazement as he claps his hands together and says,
"Alright, now where's that ugly old lady needs her tooth pulled?"
QUICK JOKE II
Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an
interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other
animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"
QUICK JOKE III
George W. Bush walks into a restaurant in Washington DC with his wife
Laura. The waiter approaches the table and asks for his order.
"I'll have your biggest, juiciest London Broil," answers the President.
"But sir, what about the mad cow?!!" asks the waiter.
"Oh," answers Dubya, "she'll order for herself."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
OUT OF WORK BUM
So, I'm now in my second month of unemployment which is, like, the longest I've ever been out of a job. Now, this is partly because the job market sucks, the radio biz here in DFW is very elitist, and my wife is bound and determined that I will get a job that will make me happy because, in her words, I'm a lot less of an asshole now that I'm not working for that fat blonde bitch at the TV station.
So, I've been sending out applications, production, promo, and voice tapes, and trying to get my voiceover business off the ground. Personally, I think it would be the shit to work from home, but I miss radio. I miss entertaining people and, dammit, it's getting frustrating sending out resumes day after day and not even getting called in for interviews.
But enough of that crap. I've noticed something else that's been happening here lately. I've turned into a hell of a cook. No shit, people, my poor wife is off all day at school teaching those ungrateful little bastards and, when she comes home, I make it a point to have dinner prepared for her.
Sure, at first it was easy things like spaghetti or hamburgers, but I'm starting to graduate to more elaborate dishes and even experimenting with new ones.
Try this: A pound of fried ground turkey, some four-cheese spaghetti sauce, elbow noodles, chicken nuggets, and a liberal sprinkling of equal parts mozzarella and parmesan cheese. Bake until the cheese is melting and you've got yourself a kick-ass dish.
Plus, I'm also cleaning the dishes and cleaning up the apartment so, in a sense, I guess I do have a full time job.
It's a different feeling... plus I get to watch The Price is Right and old episodes of Deep Space Nine on SpikeTV. I don't have a problem being the proverbial housewife right now, but if I start growing a vagina between my legs, I'm done.
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: ZATHURA!!! It's like Jumanji... only different! Yeah, right... who are you trying to kid? |
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ASSLOADS OF NEW REVIEWS!!! Jarhead, The Fog, Doom, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, Wallace & Gromit, Crash, Saw II! They've all been reviewed! |
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NEW ITEM AT THE CRAP
SHOPPE! At last, the T-Shirt that can sum up your feelings about the Republican Party! |
Go away now.
Saturday November 18, 2005
QUICK JOKE
A door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new
territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door,
and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps
manure all over the carpet.
He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning up that
horseshit, I'll eat every chunk of it."
She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"
He Salesman says, "why do you ask?"
She says "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on
yet."
QUICK JOKE II
A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man
sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't
believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating.
A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off.
The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"
The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"
The man looks at her and says, "Pepper.""
QUICK JOKE III
A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is
his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the
corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or
never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking
bay and runs into the mall.
After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?" The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie dates BaddTeddy for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, Cyber Barbie for $19.95 and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"
The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"
"That's obvious!" says the assistant, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the shitty jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
I GOT ME A DICTATION PROGRAM
With all of the writing and crap that I do, I get carpal tunnel quite often and if you're one of those assholes who claim that carpel tunnel can't hurt that much, then you've obviously never had it.
So, I was talking to an old friend of mine and he gave me a program called Dragonwriter that he doesn't use anymore. It's a dictation program that actually writes down what you say into a microphone.
Holy shit! Could this really be true? Could such a thing exist?
Well, we're going to find out right here and right now as I put Dragonwriter to the test and write the rest of his crappy blog entry with my Dragonwriter program.
Starting now:
So here we go I am now dictating into my microphone these are the exact words coming out of my mouth. So far get a say that this is working pretty well. As a matter of fact that may not even use my plucking keyboard anymore. Wait, did that actually say plucking? That so retarded. I didn't say plucking I said bucking. Oh my Lord, does this thing not let me say sucking? That's just not going to work. S. you see Kay. It won't even let me spell it out. It's like the Christian conservative right is hiding inside my microphone. Let's try more curse words.
Shipped, Castle, bitch, cotton, and TVs.
Okay let me switch back to the keyboard and show you what I just said.
Shit, asshole, bitch, cock, and titties.
Okay I'm using the dictation program again. I'm not sure if I'll use this thing because if I can't swear I can't get my point across. Let me see what happens if I just say a bunch of gibberish into the microphone.
clean forgive bog door by AC but we still blinding to Weber be somebody bubble whom the Peabody the DVD the new but it a super caliper at lessee expel doses.
OK this thing sucks. I think I'll just take two keyboards from now on. I said I think I'll just stick to keyboards from now on. Lousy Bucking program.
THE UPDATES
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JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! |
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FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP: HARRY POTTER AND THE
GOBLET OF FIRE! We're just wild about Harry and the Rotten Tomatoes photoshoppers have paid tribute to Harry's latest movie! |
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CHICKEN LITTLE IS PLUCKING
AWFUL!!! Chicken Little fails to impress and someone should have left The Cave unexplored... however, Red Eye is wicked awesome! |
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CHRISTMAS GAMES! Celebrate the holiday season with six new and returning games to the Arcade! |
And I'm spent. Catch your ass next week.