ARCHIVE

July 24, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A husband and a wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced... "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

QUICK JOKE #2

Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla: "How do you spell 'dumb'?"

Darla says, "d-u-m-b, dumb."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

She says, "Buckwheat is dumb."

The teacher says, "Now spell 'stupid'."

Darla says, "s-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Darla says, "Buckwheat is stupid."

When the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, "Buckwheat, spell dictate."

Buckwheat stands and says, "d-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."

The teacher says, "Very good, now use it in a sentence."

Buckwheat ponders for a few seconds, then spurts out, "I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!"

QUICK JOKE #3

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid Amelican docta, always want to opelate. Make more money, that way. No need to opelate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money""

GOT JOKE?

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Dear Scott,

Having traded a couple of e-mails with you, you're a pretty nice guy and you said the website is cool so that means you're a pretty good judge of some things.

This time though, my friend, you're way off base.

The current Republican ideals are, in large part, blatantly ridiculous.  The opposition to gay marriages, trying to force creationalism into schools, and should I even mention the unconstitutional clusterfuck that is the Patriot Act?  We've had conservatives in charge for eight years and we've seen the erosion of basic American human rights to the point that officials have arrested citizens without due process and tortured prisoners and conservatives just sat there and let it happen while singing "God bless America."  The environment has been brought to the brink of collapse, conservative deregulation had led the US into the worst financial crisis since the Great Depression, and where once we were a shining beacon of hope and promise, we've become tarnished and corrupted.

That's what I see as the current Republican ideals and, yes, they are not only stupid, they're dangerous.

I claim that Tea Parties are racist and, yes, they most certainly are.  Granted, there are some people at Tea Parties who are not and I'm guessing you're one of them, but a non-racist at a tea party is like a black guy at a golf resort.  I see signs like "Where's the real birth certificate?" and "Obama's a Muslim" while people chant "Kill him!" and I call it as I see it. You teabaggers don't want to be called racists, then stop putting up with it and throw the lunatics out.  In my book, acceptance is just as bad.

As for the financial situation, all I can say is this: I don't like bailouts or stimulus one bit but Obama has been in office only six months.  Six goddamn months and already, conservatives are blaming him for everything the conservative president did that got us into this mess in the first place.  Your guy jumped out of the airplane going down in flames and now you're bitching because our guy is trying to land us safely.  That's like a toddler trying to blame the kid next to him for the shit in his own diaper.

More of that Republican agenda at work.

Yeah, Obama's spending assloads of money to fix the problems your president caused, but are you honestly going to tell me that you can look at the $915.1 billion dollars spent in Iraq or the one trillion dollar deficit that appeared over the last eight years not counting the billion or so that was sucked out of the Clinton surplus and tell me that Obama has spent more in his first six months?  A war, mind you, that we should have never fought justified with oil, lies, and bible verses?  A surplus that was supposed to pay for social security until the end of the century?  Are you fucking insane?

Of course you are.  If teabaggers were rational thinking human beings, there wouldn't be tea parties.

So, that's what I think of your Tea Parties.  Grass roots organizations, my ass.  They're arranged by big businesses and Rupert Murdoch to undermine a president they perceive as a threat to their vast wealth and the teabaggers who want to reform government are just essentially doing the billionaire's bidding.

You're all chumps, you're all being used, and you're all wrong.

Love,
Donner

EARTH TO CONSPIRACY THEORISTS: SHUT THE FUCK UP, ALREADY!

The 40th anniversary of the moon landing.  What a milestone.  If you believe that the moon landing was a hoax, you're a stupid motherfucker and should be castrated so that you don't produce more retarded ilk.  End of discussion.

You show them historical evidence, they say it was done in a studio. You show them moon rocks, they say they came from Antarctica. You show them equipment that was used, they say it never worked. You show them data from the laser reflector left on the surface, they say its reflective rock. You show them astronauts, they call them liars. You show them brand new pictures of the lunar surface that fucking show the remains of the lunar lander sitting there on the moon, they say the picture is faked.

These people have serious mental issues. Not only do they come up with outlandish explanations to push books and TV specials, but they seem to have a fundamental doubt of the brilliance of human ingenuity, as if they don't believe that we're even capable of greatness.

This is why, when someone says they think the moon landing is faked, I'm not only rolling my eyes in disgust, but I'm also insulted.

If you were to look at these sad pathetic wastes of humanity, you would see people awash in so much failure and negativity that they would have no choice but to push their own misgivings and personal failings on others in an attempt to justify their pitiful existence.  They would look at a crowing human achievement like the moon landing and say, "Hey, I wasn't able to get a job at Best Buy, so how could they land on the moon?"

Can you honestly think of another reason these bozos live in fucking trailer parks?

It's sad to the point of stupid and beyond.  These are the same idiots who don't believe that the Egyptians built the pyramids or that Columbus never really discovered America.  They are failures and must believe that humanity is a failure as well simply to justify their pathetic existance.

It doesn't matter what you do or how good you are, these pathetic little human weasels will always be there to drag you down - the losers who sit in the stands and bitch about the team, doing nothing to help or contribute.

Fuck you all.

ON VACATION

I shall be gone for a couple of weeks as I journey to Florida for a little Disney and whatever the hell else that state offers other than retarded voters and Jewish retirees.  I shall be back when I goddamn feel like it.

 ARCHIVE

July 13, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

Dave was attending his 4X4 club's monthly meeting and had just told them he couldn't make the camping trip scheduled for the next day because his wife wouldn't let him go.

After listening to the jeers and other derisive remarks from his fellow 4X4 friends Dave left to go back home to his wife.

When Dave's friends started arriving to set up camp the next day, who should be there but Dave sitting up in front of his truck, tent up, fishing rod in hand, camp oven roast stewing away in a hot bed of coals.

"How did ya talk your wife into letting you go Dave"?

"I didn't have to" was Dave's reply. "When I left the meeting I went home and slumped down in my chair with a beer to drown my sorrows. Then my wife snuck up behind me and covered my eyes and said, 'Surprise'"!

When I peeled her hands back she was standing there in a beautiful see - through negligee and she said, "Carry me into the bedroom, tie me to the bed and you can do whatever you want".

"So here I am!"

QUICK JOKE #2

Little Johnny blows up a balloon and starts flicking it all around the house with his finger. His mother tells him to stop it as he's liable to break something He stops and eventually Mom leaves for a short trip to the shopping centre.

Johnny starts up with the balloon again after his mom has left for the store... He gives it one last flick and it lands in the toilet where he leaves it..

Mom comes in and while putting away the groceries gets the urge, A diarrhoea run.

She can hardly make it to the toilet in time and SPLASH, out it comes. When she's finished, she looks down and can't believe what she's seeing. She's not sure what this big brown thing is in the toilet! She calls her doctor.

The doctor is baffled as she describes the situation, but he assures her he'll be over shortly to examine everything. When he arrives she leads him to the bathroom and he gets down on his knees and takes a long, hard look at the 'thing'.

Finally, he takes out his pen and touches it to see what it might be and POP! The balloon explodes and poop is everywhere. On him, the walls, etc. "Doctor! Doctor! Are you all right" she asks?

He says, "I've been in this business for over 30 years, and this is the first time I've ever actually seen a fart!"

QUICK JOKE #3

A boy and his date were parked on a back road some distance from town, doing what boys and girls do on back roads some distance from town. Things were getting hot and heavy when the girl stopped the boy.

"I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I'm actually a hooker and I charge $50 for sex", she said.

The boy just looked at her for a couple of seconds, but then reluctantly paid her, and they did their thing.

After the cigarette, the boy just sat in the driver's seat looking out the window.

"Why aren't we going anywhere" asked the girl?

"Well, I should have mentioned this before, but I'm actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $55."

GOT JOKE?

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Dear Luke,

Oh, those wacky Japanese.  Always coming up with strange useless inventions purely for the what the fuckery of it.  At least us Americans have more sense than that.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to wrap up in my blanket with sleeves.

Love,
Donner

BUMPER STICKERS

As many of you can no doubt surmise, what with the retardation and outright racism of the tea parties still raging down here in the intellectual South, Texas is a hotbed of conservative thinking.  That's all fine and good, after all - despite the best laid plans of the former administration - you still have the right to think for yourselves no matter how stupid your ideals are.

I'm getting off topic.  Let me start again.

All right... folks, take the fucking campaign stickers off of your car.

Driving up and down the streets of Dallas I see more McCain/Palin '08 bumper stickers now than I did during the election.  I'm not sure what is fostering this bumperstickerpalooser, but it's really silly.  Why?  Because you look like a bunch of sore losers.

We already know that republicans are sore losers.  Again, look at the tea parties, look at the racism against Obama, look at all these conservatives only now getting concerned about fiscal spending.  Seriously, a republican pointing fingers at Obama for fiscal responsibility is like a toddler trying to blame his brother for the shit in his own pants.

Is this some kind of protest?  That's fine, I like protests, but at least choose something more timely.  An always witty "Nobama" sticker would be nice or a "USA 1776-2008" would be fine.  A McCain/Palin 2008 bumper sticker is a day late and 192 electoral votes too short.

Just to be fair in this, Democrats - take the fucking Obama/Biden stickers down.  There's such a thing as a sore winner too.

I'll just never understand it.  I mean, here in Texas there are actually idiots driving around with Bush/Cheney 2004 stickers on their back bumper.

Take them off!

 ARCHIVE

July 8, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us. Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'

The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'

QUICK JOKE #2

This guy is stranded on a deserted island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, Its not a ship.

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, Its not a boat.

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, Its not a raft.

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and says, How long has it been since you?ve had a cigarette?

Ten years! he says. She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, Man, oh man! Is that good!

Then she asked, How long has it been since you have had a drink of whiskey? He replies, Ten years! She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, Wow, that is fantastic!

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, And how long has it been since you have had some REAL fun?

And the man replies, My God! Don?t tell me that you?ve got golf clubs in there!

QUICK JOKE #3

A little old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.

He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?"

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again; "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.

As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them. The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the little old Jewish man? "Costs too much?"

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Isabel,

Obviously, you have never seen my colon.

Love,
Donner

WORST WEEK EVER

There's nothing like having a week where you get investigated at work for something that the main office won't tell you what for, finding out your grandmother is getting sued and needs a 1000 bucks, finding out your mother was just diagnosed with cancer, having the adoption you've been waiting on for seven months fall through because of government incompetence, and THEN coming home and finding your beloved website has been down for two days.

Goddamn, let me just put a fucking bullet through my head and get it over with.

Really, the only thing that's keeping me going right now is the continual news updates that Michael Jackson is still dead.  I was going to go on a gigantic diatribe about MJ last week before I had to leave to take care of my mom, but now that I'm back, I'll just sum it up in one quick statement: 

I don't know if he did what he did, but if I thought that Michael Jackson had touched my kid's wiener, there would have been no way I would have been bought off.  I wouldn't have rested until I saw the son of a bitch in jail.

Take that how you want on the subject, but I will add that Michael was a part of my childhood and there are few memories that don't have his music as a background soundtrack.

So, yeah, I pretty much had the worst goddamn week in the history of all goddamn weeks and it's not over yet by a long shot.  We're still waiting on the results of mom's cancer screening, we're still mired in trying to adopt, and I'm still scrambling for evidence to prove I didn't do whateverthefuck I supposedly did at work.

At least I have that Disney World vacation coming up in a month!  What could possibly go wrong there!?