ARCHIVE

January 26, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!

Ms Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"

Harry: "Pants"

Ms Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?

Harry: Coconut

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

Harry: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer;

Harry: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Harry: Yep.

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.

Harry: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and bit tense.

Harry: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Harry: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Harry: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Harry: Firetruck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

QUICK JOKE #2

The owner of a horse farm receives a call from a friend, who informs him of a midget with a speech impediment who's interested in buying a horse. The owner has him send the midget over.

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse. “A female horth,” replies the midget. So the owner shows him one.

“Nith looking horth, can I thee her mouf?” So the owners picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s mouth.

“Nith mouf, Can I thee her eyeth?” Promptly, the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse’s eyes.

“Ok, what about the eerth?” At this point, the owner is becoming aggravated, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows him the ears.

“OK, finally, can I see her twat?” With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse’s vagina, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget laments, “Perhapth I thould rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awownd?”�

QUICK JOKE #3

What do women and rocks have in common?

Everyone skips the flat ones.

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Ripi,

I probably could have found it just as easily though I doubt I could have been a bigger cunt than you were about it.  You found a link, you didn't cure cancer.  Get over it.

Love,
Donner

Dear Cappee,

Do you mean the music that's in the video?  Because that's supposed to be there.  Any additional music you may me hearing is in your head or your itunes, dude.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.  For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.

THE ADOPTION PROCESS IS INSANE

For those of you who don't know, the little woman and I are in the process of adopting.  We're now in the stage called "the waiting period" where, you guessed it, we wait... and we wait... and we wait.

We've been in this period since a little after Thanksgiving just twiddling our thumbs and waiting while the bureaucracy drags its feet.

This is the part that gets me...

State agencies are always encouraging everyone to adopt older kids and that's something that Amy and I decided to do.  As a matter of fact, we put in a request for two boys who have spent the better part of their lives in the CPS system, an eleven year-old and a five year-old who would otherwise be unfavorable since most couples want infants.  Throw in the fact that they are siblings and have to come in a pair and that one of them is of mixed race, and you've got a couple of kids who will likely be in foster care until they are both 18.

Amy and I want them, however.  We both fell in love with them the very first moment we saw a picture of them and read their story.  We felt like we were what they needed and they were want we needed.  We weren't even trying to adopt kids as old as they are, we just happened to stumble across them on an agency directory and knew that those were our boys.

That was back in November.  The boys are in a home in the Houston/Beaumont area and the CPS agency there won't return phone calls, e-mails, or any other inquires from the adoption agency we're using.

That's the rub -- we have spent ungodly amounts of money and time on this adoption, selected kids who are supposedly hard to adopt out, and then discover that the entire process is so slow and lanky that people who are pulling in a government paycheck are content just to sit on their ass and do nothing.

Meanwhile, these kids get older and miss out on more and more.

I don't see how those fuckers at CPS can sleep at night.

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January 19, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A guy sees an ad in the paper that says, "Lose five pounds in one day."

He goes to check it out and is led into a big room. The door shuts behind him and a hot blonde walks out, naked, with a sign around her neck that says, "You catch me, you screw me." He runs around, catches her, screws her, and sure enough, he loses five pounds.

The next day, he sees another ad from the same company saying, "Lose 10 pounds in one day." He goes down and is led into an even bigger room. The door shuts behind him and a big, hairy ex-con named Bubba walks out with a sign around his neck that says, "I catch you, I fuck you."

QUICK JOKE #2

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage"�

The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."�

With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well, alright then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I ask for Polish sausage?"�

The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."�

QUICK JOKE #3

A drunk in a bar barfs all over his own shirt. "Damn," he says. "I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she's gonna kill me."�

"Not to worry," says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk's pocket. "Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill."�

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. "Why are there two twenties?" she asks.

The drunk replies, "Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too."�

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Cristal,

The first paragraph is, like, ten words long.  How long of an attention span do you have--  Oh wait, that's over ten words.  I think I just lost you.

Love,
Donner

Dear Eryn,

I recently re-read a little book called Of Mice and Men by this fellow named John Steinbeck.  I'm not going to say that it was the best book ever written, but in its scant 110 pages, it wove a tale of shattered dreams, loyalty and love rich with symbolism and depth with twists and turns that set a mood so deep that I was tearing up at the end.  That, my dear Eryn, is a good book - not some shallow supernatural tween wish fulfillment hack story where men sparkle.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.  For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.

DEAR PRESIDENT BUSH,

Hello, Mr. President.  You probably don't know who I am even though I'm sure that my opinions and presence in the online community have at least garnered a small file on me in one of your many illegal eavesdropping programs; Perhaps you can have someone read it to you sometime.

Better yet, let me just tell you what it probably says.

I am a school-teacher, a former political cartoonist, and radio personality.  Since about 2002, I have been writing about you, sir, and very little has been positive.  You see, I am writing this letter you will probably never read because it will be the last time I ever waste the time and energy putting words on my computer to mention you.  It will also be the last time I ever refer to you as the president and the fact that your shameful eight years is also over moves me to joyful tears.

You see, President Bush, eight years ago I was an optimistic young man.  We were doing pretty well as a country and, even though I didn't completely agree with the last president, I supported him and liked him.  When you came along, the governor of my own home state, someone who I trusted and who I believed would be a good thing for this country, I voted for you.  That vote is one I have regretted ever since.

From the time your incompetence allowed 9/11 to happen just because you didn't give a shit about a dangerous terrorist to the times when you did just what that terrorist did and forced this country to react in fear, I have watched in horror as your presidency unfolded.  When you helped big business use this beautiful planet of ours like a toilet and then claimed that global warming was a myth.  When you short-changed schools everywhere to pay for a war with a country that never attacked us and then allowed teachers - good teachers from inner city schools - to be fired when kids didn't meet standards set by lawyers.  When you allowed forests to be raped, contamination in drinking water to rise, and when members of your own staff committed incredible acts of treason by betraying undercover members of our own government because they said bad things about you.  Your presidency is a joke - one no one is laughing at.

You may scoff when I say that your administration was evil, but let's be perfectly frank... your vice president shot a man in the face and then the victim apologized to him.  I look at Dick Cheney, sir, and I see evil.  Pure evil.  The sooner the grim reaper stops that blackened cinder he calls a heart, the better off the human species will be as a whole.

I want you to know, President Bush, that as someone who regretfully voted on you once that I will not miss you.  You represent a mistake on my part that brings me shame and makes me feel almost a party to all of the lives lost thanks to your incompetence and deception.  I wouldn't miss you if you were crossing the street in front of me.

When Barack Obama takes office on the 20th, I will be watching.  I voted on this guy and I will probably vote on the next Democrat.  I used to consider myself a moderate, but you pretty much cured me of red fever for the foreseeable future.  When Barack is sworn in and President Obama begins to lead this nation that I call my home, I will - for the first time in almost eight years - be proud of my government again.  Sure, I'm well aware that Obama might be just as bad as you, though I am reasonably certain he won't be worse because, honestly, how is that possible?

I know you will never read this letter but on the off chance that you are sitting at home many years from now in your underwear pressing the "stumbleupon" button on your browser and you happen to come across this, I want you to know some things and I hope that there is a sliver of humanity within you that you will read these things and feel shame for yourself and what you have done.

I'm used to America's reputation of being arrogant.  That I can live with, but while you led this country, sir, for the first time in my life I looked at the American flag and I was ashamed.  I was ashamed of where I lived, what I was, and what we had become and that shame I lay solely at your feet.

I am not a religious person and to be honest, the last year has cost me a lot of my faith but I do believe that there is something bigger that all that we know.  Call it God, Fate, The Universe, or something - I don't understand it and I don't think I ever will but there is one thing that I am absolutely sure of and that is that whatever the higher mind in the universe is, it is just and it has been and is watching you, sir.  Because of cowardice or apathy, you may escape judgment in this life for what you have done but one day you will have to answer for your crimes and all those lives that were cut short and extinguished because of the path you led this country down.

If not, then there is no God and I have no use for this world.

Good-bye, President Bush.  This will be my last blog posting about you.  I'm not one to live in the past and prefer to think of what will be rather than what was.  If there is one thing that my years have taught me, it's that tyrants always fall and are swept away and forgotten.  You will be no different and I'm afraid I have more important things to write about than a smug and now worthless piece of filth doomed to the anals of American history as the single worst president our nation ever had the unfortunate chance of getting hook up with.

Love,
Donner

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January 12, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile
cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under  it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries  starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can't believe it! He  says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

QUICK JOKE #2

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about
something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on  them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the
class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the  blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what  Johnnie had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period" reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that" she said. "But what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know" said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she
missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

QUICK JOKE #3

A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and
repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll
have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly
20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"

The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?"

"No, from skipping."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear jckewjk,

Untrue.  I don't play on my computer all the time.  I play with myself a lot too.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.  For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.

NOTHING TO SAY

I have nothing to say.

All right, that's a little untrue.  I actually have a lot to say, but I just don't think this is the right time.

There was something that happened a couple of weeks back involving the death of someone I used to know, but I don't want to write about that because there are a few people back home who know that I run this website and I don't want them coming here reading things I'm writing about someone who died prematurely.  Some day - perhaps months, perhaps years down the line I will, but not now.  This has nothing to do with my own sorrow, but rather the content of the blog post and its perceived harm to anyone who knew the guy.

I could write about this medical issue I'm having, but that's going to be too problematic as well because I don't know what's going on, my doctor doesn't know what's going on, and until I do I really don't want to discuss it or raise any fears.

I will say though, that long-time contributor to the site, David Hopper, is having issues as well with his help so, if your going to pray, pray for him first.  I'm just fine.

Should I write about my HOA again?  I got a nice threatening letter from them in the mail demanding that I take down my Christmas lights by January 5th.  My response?  My religion dictates that we have to continue celebrating the holidays until January 10th and if you don't like that, I'll see you in court.  The truth is, I don't belong to a religion but for the purposes of the HOA confrontation, I made one up.

I could talk about my dog.  He's turning 18 years old in March and that's old enough to vote.  Sometimes I wonder who he would have voted on if he would have gotten his chance, but after that MIP (Mutt in Possession) he got after he got his driver's license when he turned 16, I'm not sure he actually can vote.

I could talk about Dead Space.  I've had a PS3 now for almost six months, and I've only just now bought my second game for it which is sort-of understandable since I got it primarily as a bluray player.  Dead Space is pretty good.

Great, now I've run out of things to say about that.

I guess I could talk about Obama, but that's tomorrow's news.  Bush is yesterday's news and as for everything else, there's really been no news.

Upcoming movies?  Yeah, right - it's a dumping ground until March.  The only two things I'm vaguely interested in is My Bloody Valentine 3D but that's only because I find the idea of an R-rated slasher movie in 3D interesting and then there's Underworld: Rise of the Lychans.  I love the Underworld movies, but the thought of a prequel just turns me cold.

TV?  Not much there either.  American Idol will kick off in a few days, but the first few weeks of it is a goddamn waste of time as they go through the endless and horrific auditions.  Lost is a few days away, and I'm looking foreword to that.  Heck, the only new stuff I've been watching has been Knight Rider which has inexplicably gotten better, Ghost Hunters: International which has also inexplicably gotten better, and The Clone Wars and Batman: the Brave and the Bold which are inexplicably more fun than they should be.

So, that leaves me with zip.  Nothing to write about.  Goddamn, that's frustrating.

January 5, 2009

QUICK JOKE #1

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?' The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box .'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that.You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

QUICK JOKE #2

A little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink for half an hour when this big trouble-making biker steps next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig and then turns to the guy with a menacing stare as if to say, "What'cha gonna do about it?"

The poor little guy starts crying.

"Come on man I was just giving you a hard time," the biker says. "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying!"

"This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me."

"When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener and my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar trying to work up the courage to put an end to my life, and then you show up and drink the damn poison."

QUICK JOKE #3

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I can, what's the name and room number?"

The old laday in her weak voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!"

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me shit."

GOT JOKE?

Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week?  Visit The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty, or most evil joke.  Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here for all the world to see!

Dear Steve,

Your advise was wise and timely and I thank you for it.  Not only do I have a shitload of coats and a wife who still loves me, but the most wondrous thing happened when I followed your advise in step 3.

You see, no sooner had I lowered my pants to people I wanted to impress, they immediately hung a giant ball on my mighty shaft and dropped it counting down to midnight.

You might have seen it on TV.

Love,
Donner

To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.  For God's sake, write like an intelligent human being and spell out the word "you." because shortening it to "u" makes you look like a fucking dipshit.

IT'S 2009 AND I'M FEELIN' FINE

Unless you're a complete bloomin' idiot, you may have noticed that the website has been altered since you last saw it in 2008.  Nothing to be afraid of, dear sirs and madams, I'm just trying to make this shitstorm of a website look a little more pleasing to the eye and less boxy.  For goodness sake, this site was looking like that little midget in The Wizard of Oz who stuck his head out the door in the Emerald City.

I've been wanting to do a redesign for a while and I figured, hell, the New Year is the best time of the year to do it -- out with the old and in with the new, so to speak.

Speaking of New Year, why are people getting so goddamned uptight about 2009?  I mean, yeah -- the economy sucks and there's a war on, but there is so much stuff to be optimistic about!  News commentators are focusing on sliding stocks and the rising unemployment rates and my own father-in-law is convinced that the economy will collapse in the Summer and that we're switching currency to the Amero (which is a load of malarkey, but the man believes any bullshit he receives in the e-mail).

Seriously, world, it's time to check our shit.  Sure, things may be a little uncertain right now, but as we enter 2009 and get a little closer to the fictional future of Back to the Future: 2015, I think it's best that we remember the wise old words of Doc Brown, "Our future hasn't been written yet. No one's has. Your future is whatever you make it. So make it a good one."

Fuck the commentators.  I'm making 2009 a good one.