ARCHIVE
Thursday, March 6,
2007
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YES WE CAN
The Slightly Warped Website
throws our support behind Barack Obama and, for once, isn't cynical
about politics. |
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PAPER PRANK
I have to admit, these guy's
dedication to prankery is admirable. |
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ONE MORE BEER
The banned Tiny Toons episode
where Buster and his buddies get wasted. |
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REALITY vs. FANTASY
Featuring the out-of-touch completely insane
dog-raping windbag Jack Thompson! |
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RUBBER BOY
Some amazing and gross acts of contortion that's
impossible to miss... and very hard to watch! |
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WHAT'S A FURRY?
Michael Shanks & Lexa Doig educate Chris Judge about
Furries at Dragon*Con 2007. |
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JACK AND HILL
You know, I'm not anti-Hillary. I actually like
her, but this ad... it's terrible. |
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GODZILLA vs. GODZILLA
The shitty classic Godzilla fights the shitty American Godzilla from
Godzilla: Final Wars. |
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HEAVY METAL FIGHT
Megatron challenges Optimus Prime to a fight where the looser has to
banish themselves to space... but what if Megatron cheats? |
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EWOK vs. PREDATOR
Call me crazy, but I'd pay for a ticket to that! |
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WHAT THE FRAK IS GOING
ON?
Never heard of Battlestar Galactica? This eight-minute montage will
catch you up just in time for the final season! |
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IRON MAN TRAILER
The brand new Iron Man trailer for the second-most anticipated
superhero of movie of 2008. |
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QUICK JOKE #1
On their way to get married, a young couple are
involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the
Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting,
they begin to wonder:
Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When Saint Peter shows up, they asked
him.
Saint Peter says, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me
go find out," and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited for an answer for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get married in
Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all.
What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together FOREVER?"
After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns looking some what bedraggled.
"Yes," he informs the couple, "You CAN get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work
out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slams his clipboard onto the ground.
"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!" Saint Peter shouts, "It took me three months to find a priest up
here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?
QUICK JOKE #2
A young guy from Alberta moves to Vancouver and goes to a big
"everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Alberta ."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You start tomorrow.
I'll come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the
job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the
boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a
day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says "$101,237.65".
The boss says "$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"
The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a
medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going
fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a
boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin
engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would
pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him
that 4x4 Expedition."
The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a
BOAT and a TRUCK?"
The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and
I said, "Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing."
QUICK JOKE #3
A young man was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. While
he was walking through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant
standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a
large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he worked the thorn out with his
hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The
elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its
face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen --
thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
The man never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty
years later the man was walking through the zoo with his teenaged son.
As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned
and walked over to where they were standing at the rail. The large bull
elephant stared at him and lifted it's front foot off the ground, then
put it down. The elephant did that several times, all the while staring
at the man.
The man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant.
After a while it trumpeted loudly; then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his
way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared
back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of
the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing,
killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
QUICK JOKE #4
A married couple in their early 60s was
out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said,
"For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to
each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish."
"Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband" said the
wife.
The fairy waved her magic wand and poof! - two tickets for the Queen
Mary II luxury liner appeared in her hands.
Then it was the husband's turn.
He thought for a moment and said: "Well, this is all very romantic, but
an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but
my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me."
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a
wish...So the fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! The husband became
92 years old.
The moral of the story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember
fairies are female.
QUICK JOKE #5
A woman decides to have a facelift for her
50th birthday. She spend $15,000 and feels pretty good about the
results. On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.
Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking,
but how old do you think I am?"
"About 32," is the reply.
"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily. A little while later she
goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.
The girl replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies with a big
smile, "Nope, I'm 50."
Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store
on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints
and asks the clerk this burning question.
The clerk responds, "Oh, I'd say 30."
Again she proudly responds, "I'm 50, but thank you!"
While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next
to her the same question.
He replies, "Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was
young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds
very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.
Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the
best of her. She finally blurts out, "What the hell, go ahead."
He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around
very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he
gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them
against each other.
After a couple of minutes of this, she says, "Okay, okay...How old am
I?"
He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and
says, "Madam, you are 50."
Stunned and amazed, the woman says, "That was incredible, how could you
tell?"
The old man says, "Promise you won't get mad?"
"I promise I won't." she says.
"I was behind you in line at McDonald's."
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner,
students of maplewood... wazzup
~Ryn Peas
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Dear Ryn Peas,
Wazzup right back at you.
Love,
Donner
Dear Students of Maplewood,
If you know some guy named Ryn Peas, please strike
him in the face with a thick textbook for you see, he is using a slang
vocabulary that's at least eight years out of date and seems to me like a
gigantic tool. So, if you run into this guy, put your car in reverse and
run into him again.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or
seriously piss him off, visit the
message board,
guestbook, or write to him directly.
BAD NEWS
You know, I'm already depressed that Hillary won
Texas - not that I hate Hillary, I really like her but I want Obama to be the
nominee - when I get this phone call from my mom who lives in West Texas.
She's laughing because she got a bunch of people together and went out and voted
for Hillary... because they are McCain supporters. I congratulated them on
being shifty and underhanded... model Republicans.
But I'm not going to go on about that because I've
received some devastating news... Patrick Swayze has cancer and may only have a
month to live! I cannot tell you how depressed this has made me.
Come on, it's Patrick Mother Fucking Swayze... Patrick Roadhouse Swayze!
If cancer can get him, there's no hope for any of us!
What's next? Is Chuck Norris going to get
AIDs!?
Always bet on
black
AMERICAN IDOL BLOG III: THE SEARCH FOR
BLOG
The Boys
Puke Menard – “Wake me Up Before you Go-Go”
It’s a bad thing when someone starts a song and your first reaction is, “Oh,
shit!” Puke may have finally shot himself in the foot tonight with the elephant
gun of awfulness as he made George Michael look positively manly in comparison.
This was embarrassing… embarrassing for Mr. Menard, embarrassing for American
Idol, and embarrassing for me at home to watch. Pure shit. He’s going home.
David Barfuletta – “Think Twice”
I have to echo Randy Jackson. David’s got a nice voice – not great, but nice.
The thing about David that bothers me is that he doesn’t sound like an American
Idol winner, but more of a guy who records nice-sounding music for elevators.
Another thing that bothers me is that he sounds like Napoleon Dynamite’s younger
brother in interviews.
Danny Boregia – “Tainted Song”
What do you know! I feel like running away too after hearing this ocular
fistfuck of a performance. Gods, this was just awful – terrible song choice from
a singer with an irritating personality. This guy is just all around aggravating
and phony.
David Hernandez – “It’s All Coming Back to Me”
Wow, this was weird. I don’t know if I can truly respect a man who goes out on
stage and sings a Celine Dion song and I know I can’t respect a guy who sings it
this badly. It was awkward, stupid, and terrible. Forget the whole male stripper
controversy, I think he may be headed home after this prolonged diuretic fart.
Michael Johns – “Don’t You Forget About Me”
This performance wasn’t perfect, but it was good enough to get him through to
next week. Unlike the rest of the contestants, Michael has an ease and
confidence while he’s on stage and, although he doesn’t sound like a seasoned
performer, he’s fun to watch. I see a lot of appeal in him.
David Cook – “Hello”
Finally! One of this sorry group of dickheads and douchebags finally gets up on
stage and does a brilliant and awesome performance. Yeah, Cook’s a bit of a
douchebag, but his performance was the first time this season I’ve seen anything
on this show that I would consider outstanding. I loved it. Best of the night!
Jason Castro – “Hallelujah”
Ugh. I liked this kid and it was painful to see him go down in flames the way he
did. This was terrible, awful, and awkward. I have a bad feeling that Castro may
have castrated himself this week. The judges loved it, but I just don’t feel it.
Chikezie – “She Fills Me Up”
It’s amazing. This guy was so awful a few weeks back he could have suck-started
a Harley, but now he’s pretty good. A lot like Michael Johns, I can hear the
potential in his voice and I can see him becoming a gigantic star, but he’s not
quite there yet.
Who’s going home: Easy call on Puke Menard; he’s sucked his way
into the inevitable boot off but the other is a little hard to call. Though I
fear for Jason Castro, I think that the judge’s nice words will keep him around
leaving a gigantic hole for Danny Noriega to fall into.
The Girls
Asia’h Epperson – “Nobody Loves Me”
Okay, first of all, the mom pants did not exactly flatter this broad and, when
you are wearing mom pants that make you look big and disproportional, you cannot
afford to suck this badly. Poor Asia’h sounded like she couldn’t catch her
breath… like she was a fat kid climbing stairs. Her performance, a lot like the
continent she’s named after, was largely barren.
Shitty Malloy – “Who Wants to Live Forever?”
Jesus Herbert Christ! If Kady and Luke ever have kids together, it will spawn a
black hole of untalent that will draw all entertainment and hope into it and
crush them into a fine gray ash that will cut up the inside of your lungs if
inhaled and make you drown in your own blood and pus. This song was like being
in the middle of surgery when the anesthetic wears off. It was like swallowing
an open clothespin point first. It was like being chewed on head to toe by a
hundred rabid mice. It was so bad that being skullfucked by a gorilla seems like
a more desirable alternative. She’s going home… I just wonder if home will take
her back.
Amanda Overmeyer – “I Hate Myself for Loving You”
Now THIS is more like it. Last week, Amanda was my pick to go home after her
laughable and fake Bride of Frankenstein freak show, but this week she chose the
perfect song to showcase her unique voice and made us remember just why she’s in
this competition. It was google percent better than last week. I love this dame
again! Best of the night so far.
Carly Smithson – “I Drove All Night”
Great performance. The perfect song, a great look… everything was just about
perfect. I don’t think she hit a home run, but it was a comfortable triple and
more than enough to keep her on TV until at least next week. Her personality is
great too… makes me want to turn Irish but that means I would probably only get
drunk and slap her, but she would probably deserve it for something.
Kristy Lee Croak – “Forever Yours Faithfully”
I wouldn’t call this performance horrible, but it was forgettable. It was still
loads better than Kristy was last week. I can’t really say much because it was
so forgettable, but at least it didn’t completely suck. The only thing is,
forgettable can be more dangerous than being awful in this competition.
Ramiele Malubay – “Against All Odds”
I hope that the last couple of weeks has just been a phase where Ramiele has
been trying to find herself because I don’t know what’s happened to this broad.
She used to be so great and now, at best, she’s average and forgettable and
settling for bunts when she should be going for home runs. If anything, she
should be thanking God and Kady Malloy that there are infinitely worse singers
in the competition – but they won’t be there for long and her number could be
coming faster than we thought.
Broke White – “Love is a Battlefield”
All right. When I first heard that Brook was doing this song, I thought… Hell,
this is going to hurt. Amazingly, I think it worked. This is probably the best
I’ve heard from her. It worked, it was original, and it was great to listen to
even if she did have a few off notes. Nice job… I’m not going to stop calling
you “Broke,” but nice job anyway.
Syesha Mercado – “Saving All My Love for You”
I can say that the girl can work it out. She didn’t add anything new to it which
costs her points in the originality department, but she can belt and she is
lovely and has all the makings of a pupating diva. I can see her going far in
this competition, I don’t think she’s win, but she’s got a career in her future
– that much is certain.
Best of the night honors: Brook White was great, but Amanda Overmeyer
kicked fifteen levels of ass.
Who is going home: Kady Malloy is the obvious choice. The less
obvious… Asia’h Epperson although I do think that Kristie Lee Crook is in
trouble as well.
So long, suckers.
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Dear Donner,
Obama is an
insult to America.
So is your website.
~Omeca
|
Dear Omeca,
It's been proven that my website is an insult to
France, Saudi Arabia, Iceland, and The Republic of Congo but at most, it's only
a minor irritation to America. As for Obama, well... like a typical
goddamn conservative you give no examples and provide no evidence so, as usual,
I have no fucking idea what you're talking about. I would invite you to
discuss your views further, but I learned a long time ago that you can't fix
stupid.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or
seriously piss him off, visit the
message board,
guestbook, or write to him directly.
SMASH BROTHERS BRAWL
So, I'm on Spring Break. Since I've made the
transition from student to teacher, I've noticed that the meaning of this week
off has changed a little bit. No longer is it hanging out at the beach,
drinking, and trying to get laid... now it's sitting at home and sleeping.
Shit beans, when did I get so damned old?
Thankfully, I'm still immature enough to enjoy a
good old-fashioned video game and, as luck would have it, I picked up the new
Smash Brothers game for the Wii. The controls are a little hard to get
used to, but man it's fun just to fall into this silly and incredibly violent
world again.
I mean, where else will you have Snake from Metal
Gear beat the shit out of Princess Peach from Mario Brothers? I rest my
case.
So, anyway, I'm playing this game and I unlock
something interesting... a demo.
A demo? A demo for what?
I go and open it up... Classic Donkey Kong.
I almost shit my pants.
The bad news is that it's a 30 second demo, but
I'm hoping that some gaming nerd out there with less life than what I have gets
the codes out to unlock the demos... or maybe I can just get my Wii attached to
the internet and get them there.
Gods, it was so great to play Donkey Kong again.
And it was the real Donkey Kong and not that shit that's on my Atari.
Thirty seconds is not enough!
AMERICAN IDOL BLOG IV: THE BLOG FOR
PEACE
So, here we are at the final twelve… the best of
the best and Chickeze is there too. The new stage looks amazing and with the
talent getting better every week – and the deserved stinkers going home when
they need to, I think I’m finally getting excited over this season.
Syesha Mercado – “Got to Get You Into My Life”
This is the perfect example of why a singer has to choose a song that is suited
to themselves. For Syesha, the song started off weird and, though it did
improve, it still had that awkward taste long after her notes were nothing but
echoes in the American Idol theater. The song was just wrong for her. Bumpy
start for someone who is otherwise talented… I hope for her sake that someone
sucks more than she did because if she goes home now, it would be tragically
premature.
Suckezie – “She’s a Woman”
Hot damn, you GO boy. Now THIS is how to work the AI stage. I may have to
reconsider his nickname if he keeps up this foreward momentum. I mean, this
rocked. If last week was a dramatic improvement over his awful performance at
the beginning, this performance was parsecs away from the first time Suckezie
reared his head. Amazing performance from beginning to end. Call me crazy, but
Chikezie may actually be a contender for final four. He’s like a black Taylor
Hicks. I love the versatility that he’s showing.
Ramielle Malubay – “I Love You More”
Oh, Ramielle, your stock is falling, cheesetits. There wasn’t anything really
wrong with this song technically; she did sing it rather well. It was pretty
enough but wholly forgettable and nothing to write home about. I was exciting
over this broad at the beginning, but week after week I am watching her sink
into the pit of the quicksand of obscurity. Better step it up, babycakes.
Jason Castro – “If I Fell”
Castro has definitely gone on to be the most consistent performer of this final
twelve. I’ve said it before and I’m going to say it again: American Idol is
notorious for pre-packaged pop that comes off as artificial and plastic. When
Castro sings, he’s so darned genuine and you can tell that the music is coming
from the heart. As a result, he’s so refreshing on this show and, although I
really don’t see him winning, I hope he’s going to stick around for a long time.
Carly Smithson – “Come Together”
I don’t think the song was right for her, but she did pull it off and sounded
amazing even if it didn’t shake the awkwardness of the choice. Still, this was
nice and impressive and has guaranteed that we’ll see her next week.
David Cook – “Elanor Rigby”
It’s too bad this guy strikes me as such a douchebag because he really is
amazing and will probably win the entire thing. This week it was about the same…
amazing performance and douchey behavior. I can’t say much more than that other
than the hairdo is making it look like he’s going bald.
Broke White – “Let It Be”
You know, I could picture this song being sung in a church… at a funeral. It was
safe and completely unremarkable and if Ramielle Malubay believes in a supreme
deity, she needs to sacrifice a lamb to it for providing a contestant more
forgettable and depressing than she was.
David Hernandon't – “I Saw Her Standing There”
Remember what I said about performance being artificial and plastic? Well, I
give you exhibit A. This was the most corny, karaoke, and grandstanding
performance of the night. There was absolutely no emotion in the song whatsoever
and I felt no joy from David at all… that and now every time I see him on stage
all I can picture is him grinding his package against a fat gay guy holding a
bunch of singles. David Hernandez is the Anti-Castro. The worst of the night so
far.
Amanda Overmeyer – “You Can’t Do That”
I do believe that this is a first in American Idol history – a lesbian-centric
song. Think about it… she’s singing to her girlfriend about not talking to a
guy? Huh? Huh? Nevermind. This was nowhere as amazing as Amanda was last week,
but it was still impressive enough. I respect the uniqueness that Amanda brings
to the show every week. Nice performance. Not great, but nice enough to keep
Amanda in the show next week.
Michael Johns – “Across the Universe”
The boy is quickly loosing his edge and learning that he plays tennis makes him
just that much more vanilla in my eyes. I was kind of hoping that Castro would
have sung this song because I think he’s the only one who could have pulled it
off. Johns, on the other hand, took this song, set it on fire, stuffed it in the
toilet, and took a gigantic shit on it. It was the worst I’ve seen from him, but
I don’t see him going away next week – something he can thank David Hernandez
for.
Kristy Lee Croak –“Eight Days a Week”
I respect risks, but the thing with risks is that… well, they are risks and
sometimes a risk can kill you which is what this rather ridiculous risk has
virtually assured for little Kristy’s singing career. This was campy, corny, and
pure torture… like getting a prostate exam with a switchblade. Still, I respect
the risk. If anything, it did make me laugh a lot.
David Barfuletta – “We Can Work it Out”
Here’s a revelation, kids. Barfuletta is not that good. He’s a goddamned poster
boy and the favorite golden puppet of the producers and I for one am sick and
tired of having Napoleon Dynamite’s long lost brother shoved up my ass every
week. This performance illustrated exactly what I mean. This blandness is par
for the course every time and, yeah, he’s not the worst this week but I’m
getting incredibly irritated that this guy is put on a fucking pedestal every
week. He’s not that good!
Best of the night: Chikezie. I’m shocked, but yes… he was the best.
Who should go home: David Hernandez. Sure, Kristie Lee Croak was
awful, but at least she showed more balls than he did by at least trying
something different.
Who will go home: Kristie Lee Cook. She took a risk… a really
stupid one. This will not only push her out of the spotlight, but rocket
her out of it at the speed of suck.
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THE ARCADE
Three new games! Two of which involve
bodily harm to someone or something else. fun! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY
Several new Actual Ads, some new curiosities,
and a few more additions to Chuck Norris Kicks Ass! |
Enjoy your Spring Break!
ARCHIVE
Thursday, March 19,
2007
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RIP ARTHUR C.
CLARKE
When I was in college, I read all the 2001 books in one weekend.
I couldn't put them down. Fair thee well, sir. |
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CADBURY EGG SUICIDE
Just in time for Easter! Here today, goo tomorrow! |
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DEATH METAL
PUPPY
This sweet little doggie loves thrashing to death metal. |
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VADER SESSIONS
Darth Vader finally has a nervous breakdown and goes insane. |
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RAMBO: THE FINAL
FRONTIER
John Rambo joins the crew of the Enterprise as Kirk goes insane. |
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McCAIN WANTS THE TROOPS
HOME
Too bad this video is from 1993 and not today. Amazing how 15
years can make you a complete fucking hypocrite. |
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HALOID
The worlds of Metroid and Halo collide as Samus takes on Master
Chief. |
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BOND vs. DOCTOR KANANGA
The dumbest fight in James Bond's history... followed by the worst
one-liner! |
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BON BON LAND
This is a tourist video from perhaps the most fucked up theme park
in the entire world. |
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SEA WORLD BLOOPER
Shamu smacks one out of the park. |
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JERRY DOG
This happy little pooch needs no help to play fetch. |
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TAMPIRES
Simply the best tampon that money can buy. |
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QUICK JOKE #1
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after
getting all of the right “tools” she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.
After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.
Then from the heavens a voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot
chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.
The voice boomed, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE.”
This time, quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice. Then she
started another hole and once again the voice said, “THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
ICE.”
The very scared blonde raised her head and said, “Is that you, Lord?”
The voice answered, “NO. IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK.”
QUICK JOKE #2
A motorcycle cop pulled over a Lamborghini Diablo after it had run a
stop sign. “May I see your driver's license and registration please.”
“What's the problem, officer?”
“You just ran that stop sign back there.”
“Oh come on, pal, there wasn't a car within miles of me.”
“Nevertheless sir, you are required to come to a complete stop, look
both ways, and proceed with caution.”
“You gotta be kidding me!”
“It’s no joke, sir.”
“Look, I slowed down almost to a complete stop, saw no one within twenty
miles, and proceeded with caution.”
“That’s beside the point, sir. You are supposed come to a complete stop,
and you didn’t. Now if I may see your license and registration please.”
“You’ve got a lot of time on your hands, pal. What’s the matter, all the
doughnut shops closed?”
“Sir, I’ll overlook that last comment. Let me see your license and
registration immediately.”
“I will, if you can tell me the difference between slowing down, and
coming to a complete stop.”
The policeman had enough. “Sir, I can do better than that.”
He opened the car door, dragged the rude motorist out, and proceeded to
methodically beat him over the head with his nightstick. “Now sir, would
you like for me to slow down or come to a complete stop?”
QUICK JOKE #3
A married couple go to a marriage counselor to work out some problems.
The counselor sits them on the couch and says "For starters, lets talk
about something you both have in common."
The husband says "Well, neither of us suck dick."
QUICK JOKE #4
Two prostitutes are standing on a corner.
One says to the other, “Ever been picked up by the fuzz?”
The other replies, “No, but I’ve been swung around by the tits.”
QUICK JOKE #5
Bob’s sitting in his lawn chair, drinking
beer and watching his wife mow the lawn. A female neighbor from across
the street is so outraged at this that she comes over and shouts, “You
should be hung!”
Bob calmly replies, “Why do you think she’s cutting the grass?”
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
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|
Dear Donner,
Hey Donner
whats rockin?
As much as i hate school i'm gald they don't block this site. Only thing
to make me laugh while my calc teacher rambles on. Could you put anything
new in the crap factory when ya get a chance? Thanks man .
~Spyke
|
Dear Spyke,
As an English teacher, I must insist that you
spell out "glad", "Calculus", and "you." However, I am putting crap into
the factory as we speak. I too am glad they don't block my site at your
school mostly due to its educational value.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or
seriously piss him off, visit the
message board,
guestbook, or write to him directly.
GAMBLING IN OKLAHOMA
Unlike normal people who do their gambling in Las
Vegas or Monte Carlo, I decided to head north to the great empty state of
Oklahoma to go gambling at the Winstar Casino.
Texas, being the bastian of good and decent morals
that we are, doesn't allow gambling of any form unless your money is going
straight to the government. So, Oklahoma put a casino within walking
distance of the border. It's a brilliant move if you first think about it,
but when you get there you realize just what a cheap-ass hoopty casino it is.
For one thing, it's not even a proper building -
it's a high tension tent. I'm not joking about this one, kids, you can
literally push against the wall of this building and it gives. I've got to
hand it to Winstar, though, they are putting up a facade to make the casino
actually look like a real building. I guess once you get to the front door
and realize you're about to walk into a tent, you'll be too far away from the
car to turn back.
Man alive, the inside isn't that much better.
Sure, it replicates the tacky decadence of Las Vegas with gold statues and red
carpets, but the place just isn't that well taken care of. Yeah, I know
that the statues aren't really gold, but for God's sake, at least paint the damn
things when they start to peel!
I can't complain too much. Despite the fact
that I've always maintained that slots are a sucker's game, I spent most of my
time on them and left Winstar with 300 dollars more than what I got there with.
And, strangely enough, I don't feel as bad about
us whites fucking over the Indians so heinously anymore.
AMERICAN IDOL BLOG V: THE BLOGAL
FRONTIER
It must have been the wrath of St. Paddy's day
handicapping our little idols because tonight was a concentrated ball of suck in
its purest form.
Amanduh Overmeyer – “Back in the USSR”
Meh, I was worried at first, but she managed to pull it together. It did start
out weak, got a little better, and then she really finished it off nicely when
she finally connected with the song. Still, from the bad to the better to the
best, it all averages out to an average. Frankly, she didn’t do herself any
favors with this performance. I did, however, give her points for her exchange
with Simon. Usually, when the contestants exchange words with Simon, it’s snarky
and a little irritating. This time, she showed a true love of her craft and a
true comfort level with herself as an artist. Good for her!
Kristy Lee Croak – “You’ve Got to Hide Your Love Away”
I’m incredibly unimpressed. I got distracted halfway through the song by
something shiny and pretty much tuned out for the rest of it. This chick is so
damned boring! It’s like listening to Ben Stein read a very boring phone book.
At least I was entertained by the shiny thing a little. Wait, she’s going to
blow me out of my socks? What?
David Barfuletta – “The Long and Winding Road”
I will hand it out to the kid, he has an incredible voice. The problem is, he’s
the most boring contestant on the show. Listening to Barfuletta is like
listening to a very talented wedding singer or a nice song on an elevator. He
sounds nice, but has so little appeal aside from the throngs of drooling
prepubescent eleven year-old girls (and confused boys) who look at his pwetty
wittle face and start calling in droves. I don’t see the appeal, I just don’t
see it.
Michael Yawns – “A Day in the Life”
I would call this a so-so performance, but I will say this (and, yeah, its more
Barfuletta bitching); even at his worst (and this was John’s worse) I can still
see more appeal in Johns than I do in David A. Still, this was weak and didn’t
put a lot of stock into Michael’s chances of making it do the end. He’s got
appeal, but he’s got to work on the talent end a lot harder because his appeal
won’t get him much farther.
Broke White – “Here Comes the Sun”
This broad is growing on me like a hemorrhoid and even though the performance –
and I’m talking the corney overabundance of yellow – and song was a little
hokey. It was almost like she was providing the soundtrack for a Jimmy Dean
Sausage commercial. The “woo” didn’t help either. Pretty meh-worthy, but at
least she was cordial to the criticism – but owning up to sucking so much
probably wasn’t that smart with the voting audience watching.
David Cock – “Day Tripper”
Excellent, amazing, incredible, and other positive adjectives. Despite his
rising levels of douchocity, this kid really brought it, kicking the absolute
crap out of the American Idol stage before raping it and making it father his
bastard child. Johns may have the appeal, but Cook is starting to steal it. That
makes two things that Johns needs to work on two things instead of one. Bravo to
Simon for calling him on the smugness.
Barely Smithson – “Blackbird”
Weird. That’s really my only word on it: weird. I don’t think she connected with
it at all and I’m puzzled by the positive comments. Carly is a good singer, but
she’s constantly failing to get out of the mid-zone rankings – good, but not bad
but not great either. She’s not going to be around much longer at this rate.
Jason Castrated – “Michelle My Balls”
I have to admit, this kid is one of my favorites, but this song was pretty
terrible. It was a weird song choice, a weird performance, and all of it just
became awfully awkward. I don’t think that Jason has anything to worry about
this week due to the incredible suckage of the other contestants, but he’d
better cut the **** and get his rear in gear or he’ll blow it.
Shiitisha Mercado – “Yesterday”
Just like the eggs I had this morning, this performance was scrambled and
overdone. What is it tonight? Choosing the best will be easy, but choosing the
people to go home will be like deciding which lump of feces smells the least
offensive. This was so forced and contrived… I didn’t believe a single moment of
it. I already miss Castro’s sincerity.
Suckezie – “I Just Seen A Face”
Huh… He was doing okay until he started channeling the Soggy Bottom Boys and
turned the song into some half-assed Man of Constant Sorrow thing. I’ll give him
credit for doing something different with the song, but the ending arrangement
was atrocious and just a bit off from normal.
Rubella Lullaby – “I Should Have Known Better”
At least this performance is an upward bump on her downhill slide, but still
she’s in the crapper and needs to pull her head out of her butt and be as good
and she’s showed she can be. Not impressed one bit.
Best of the night: David Cook. No question.
Who should go home: Wow, let’s really examine this because just about all of the
contestants were equally pitiful this week. Kristy’s forgettable performance has
put her in dangerous waters while Michael Johns is getting lost in David Cook’s
shadow. On the other hand, Carly’s forgettable and weird performance could put
her in trouble just like Chickiezie’s oddball dog and pony show could be the end
of him. I honestly don’t think I can pick one without guessing, so let’s say…
Kristy Lee Cook.
Who will go home: Same as above. It’s Kristy Lee Cook. Too forgettable to
make an impact in an overall terrible night.
|
|
THE ARCADE
Two new games; one of which I spent about four
hours playing last night! |
|
|
THE CRAP FACTORY
Four amazing new image gallaries and a new
curiosity! |
Laters
Thursday, March 26,
2007
QUICK JOKE #1
A young Southern belle walks into a bar after
having a very bad day. The bartender asks her what she would like to drink, to
which she replies, “What kind of beer do you suggest?”
“Anheuser-Busch?” the bartender says.
The Southern belle then retorts, “Fine thank you. And how’s your dick?”
QUICK JOKE #2
A man goes to his doctor and says, “I don’t think my wife’s hearing is
as good as it used to be. What should I do?”
The doctor replies, “Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife
is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask
her a question, if she doesn’t respond keep moving closer asking the
question until she hears you.” The man goes home and sees his wife
preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, “What’s
for dinner, honey?”
He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again.
Still no response, so he moves to five feet. Again, no answer.
Finally he stands directly behind her and says, “Honey, what’s for
supper?”
She screams, “For the fourth time, I said chicken, you deaf bastard!”
QUICK JOKE #3
Three blondes were walking in the forest one day. They saw a set of
tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.
The first blonde said, "I think they’re deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"
The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
QUICK JOKE #4
A 60-year-old man is getting his annual
physical.
“Doc, do you think I’ll live another 40 years so I can reach 100?” he
asks.
“That depends,” says the doctor. “Do you smoke?”
“No.”
“Do you drink?”
“No.”
“Do you fool around with loose women?”
“Of course not.”
“Well, then,” says the doctor. “Why the hell do you want to live
for another 40 years?”
QUICK JOKE #5
mmediately after mass one Sunday morning,
a man stops to shake the preacher’s hand.
“That was a goddamned fine sermon you gave today,” the man tells the
preacher. “Goddamned fine!”
“Thank you, sir,” the preacher answers, “but I’d rather you didn’t use
that kind of foul, blasphemous language in the Lord’s house.”
“You know, I was so goddamned impressed with that fucking sermon that I
put $5,000 in the goddamned offering plate!” says the man.
“No shit?” says the preacher.
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner,
I would like
to inform you, representing my family, that we greatly appreciate you
taking time away from your life to create an enjoyable website. My son
would like me to inform you to that he also thinks "Ghost Hunters" on
SciFi rocks.
~Lorelai
|
Dear Lorelai,
Aw, that's the sweetest letter I've gotten in
months. Thank you, dear, you're an absolute peach. If I were a
priest, I would give you my blessing but since I'm not, the least I can do is
molest your son. Seriously, though, that was very nice of you. The
rest of the jackholes who write me should learn from your fine example.
See? Your letter was so nice that I can't leave the reply with that awful
molestation joke! Niceness totally removes my ballsack, I swear!
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or
seriously piss him off, visit the
message board,
guestbook, or write to him directly.
CALLAHAN COUNTRY FROG ARCHEOLOGY
I knew I was in trouble Sunday Night when, driving
home from the parent's house after celebrating Easter with them, I started
coming down with the chills. These weren't the wussy, "my goodness, it's a
little nippy!" chills, mind you, these were the "Dear God, I'm shaking so much
it hurts. For the love of God, kill me!" chills.
An excruciating car ride home, I bound into the
house, up the stairs, and into bed and cover myself with as many blankets as I
cold to both stop the chills and to burn the fucking disease out of me. My
mother in law who is a nurse told me that really doesn't help, but I was way
past caring at this point. It may not help, but at least it will make me
feel a little better.
Apparently, my fever rose that night because I
started to hallucinate. I was pretty sure I was hallucinating, but I
wasn't totally aware of the fact. I was so amazed that I had gotten to
that point, I was mentally documenting everything I saw and heard rather than
make myself aware of how much danger I was in. I was rationalizing myself
out of my delirium, sort of like that guy from A Beautiful Mind only without
that faggy math shit.
There was one point in the middle of the night
that I convinced myself that I was in an archeological dig in Callahan County
which isn't that far from where I used to live. What was doubly weird
about it was that it was the site of the famed Jumping Frog of Callahan County.
Think about that little nugget, children... my brain was cooking in its own
juices and I had crammed a random country from the vicinity where I used to live
with a Mark Twain story and an archeological dig. It was too fucked up
not to remember.
So there I was, mentally jumping back and forth
from my sweat-soaked sheets to this make-believe realm I had created where a
frog-jumping contest held a hundred years ago was apparently worth some
archeological value. Also, there were half-buried cars there. Don't
ask me why.
Part me of started to wonder if this was heaven.
I was in so much pain that I actually thought I was dying... was frog archeology
really my idea of the afterlife? Was this what God has in store for me?
God, if you're reading this... no. Please, just... no.
Then again, I've always thought that we would be
the architects of our own afterlife. Perhaps this was my idea of
where I would go after I died? In that case, I'm more fucked up that any
of you suspected.
At about 11:30 PM, my fever broke and I woke up.
At this point, I didn't remember where I was or that I was even married.
I shit you not, kids, for about ten minutes I was terrified because I had
apparently deleted about five years worth of memory from my brain.
Thankfully, the undelete feature of my brain kicked in and I went into a
peaceful sleep. It's a good thing they did, too... can you imagine me
doing Justice Squad all over again?
The next morning, the wife told me that I was
actually calling for my mom while I was sleeping. Weird.
Anyway, I stayed home from work the next morning
to give myself a little time to mend. I still feel awful and feel as
though I've been hit by a steamroller and then backed over again a couple of
more times, but overall... I'm good.
Still, it was a scary night.
AMERICAN IDOL BLOG VI: THE UNDISCOVERED
BLOG
Rubella Lullaby – “Alone”
Why do I call this chick “Rubella Lullaby?” Because first she makes me sick, and
then makes me sleepy. I guess this week was better than her last three, but I
feel like I’ve just been screamed at for three minutes. If I wanted to be
screamed at for three minutes, I would bring my mistress and gay lover through
the front door… without having them wipe their feet. As I said, it was better
than the last three weeks, but that’s like saying that the little brown speck in
the middle of chicken shit is better than the white part… it’s all still chicken
shit.
Jason Castrated – “Fragile”
What can I say? I enjoyed it. I pretty much enjoy anything that Castro does. He
could waddle out on stage, sexually violate Paula, and then take a shit and kick
it out into the audience and I would just watch and say, “Odd choice, but he is
just so likeable!” I have to agree with Paula in the fact that he needs to break
out and distinguish himself, but overall… another nice performance.
Shyesha Retarda – “If I Was Your Woman”
Probably my favorite performance from Shyesha. It was mature, controlled, and
quite lovely. This is a woman who needed an awesome performance and she managed
to throw it up and toss it out. Excellent. There’s actually a chance a woman
might make it to the finale now if she keeps this up.
Suckezie – “If Only for One Night”
Not bad, but a bit boring. Still loads better than the old Chikezie that was
nothing but a total ball of shit. I wasn’t blown away, but I was bored by it.
Hopefully, he won’t be lost when the elimination is made.
Broke White – “Every Breath You Take”
I don’t know if it’s the night or the fact that I’m just getting over a major
illness, but I really dug this. I appreciated the risk that she took and the
spin that she put on a song that I really really like. This was great and
probably the best that cute little Brook has blessed us with all season. Very
nice.
Michael Yawns – “Queen Mix”
If I were to dig deep into my cold dead heart for a nugget of praise for this
performance, it would be that at least halfway through it, Yawns realized that
he was sucking hard and switched songs. I hated this. It was indulgent and,
frankly, too big for him to handle. At least “We Are the Champions” was an
improvement over the weak and weird “We Will Rock You,” but it was still a giant
dumptruck full of ass.
Barely Smithson – “Total Eclipse of the Heart”
Nice. Predictable, but nice. It’s comforting to see that someone is trying to
fill the raspy rocker niche that Amanda has left behind. I don’t think this’ll
make a huge impact and I forsee her staying in the competition next week, but at
least she didn’t ruin a classic. You want to know what’s ruined this song for
me? Old School. I can’t listen to this song without mentally throwing the f-word
into it.
David Barfuletta – “You’re the Voice”
I’ve compared Barfy to a talented wedding singer and a nice song you might hear
on the radio. This week, he reminded me of that generic singer you hear on
Christian radio. You know the singer I’m talking about… the one you hear and you
wonder, “How the hell is that guy singing all those awful songs? Doesn’t he
rest?” I hate this prepubescent man-child with every fiber of my being. I
despise him with the fury of a thousand white-hot suns. I loathe him with the
fire that burns in the loins of a billion horny rabbits. I am sick of this
pretty boy being shoved up my ass by the producers every goddamn week. Can’t he
just get into the back of a van at the promise of free candy and never be seen
again?
Kristy Lee Croak – “God Bless the USA”
A contrived, self-indulgent, pandering, manipulative mouthful of diuretic
pigshit. A very high school musical performance that I have heard a dozen times
at rodeos and carnivals and yet sung so much better by others. I do have to
agree with Simon, through, this was a clever choice – nothing like a little
patriotism to mask a ****ty job. Look what it’s done for George W. Bush!
David Cock – “Billie Jean”
I can’t say I’m a huge fan of this version of the song, but I know goodness when
I see it and this was massive goodness. Damnation, this was a bold sweet
performance that showed this guy’s talent and star potiential. David Cook just
became the person to beat and when I see him stab David Archuletta in the eye
with his erect penis during the finale, I shall throw a party with tea, cake,
and loads of cocaine.
If I were to choose the bottom three, David Baruletta’s kiddie crap song
would appear along with Rubella Lullaby’s “Alone.” The worst, of course,
would be Kristy Lee Croak’s overly manipulative whore of a song.
My pick to leave out of those three? Kristy Lee Croak. Honesty, what is
this broad still doing here?
Now, here’s where I channel the general stupidity of the American Idol voting
audience and predict that we will see Jason Castro there. I love the guy
to pieces and would probably penetrate him if I ever found him in my bed, but
he’s shtick has gotten old and it’s not good enough anymore.
Next, we’ll find Barely Smithson. Again,
she wasn’t that bad but she was predictable and not very memorable and in this
stage of the game when the fodder begins to clear and the talent begins to
build, being forgettable is just as bad as being awful.
Finally, poor Rubella Lullaby who not only
managed to be forgettable, but also terrible. I don’t remember anything about
her performance other than the fact that she screamed at me for three minutes.
Who will be going home? Rubella Lullaby. You had your chance… then
you had another, and then another, and then another. Sorry, baby, but America
and I are sick and tired of your shit.
See you in my dreams!
