Monday June 11, 2007
This website needs your help! We need to move to a new server but lack the funds! Can you donate a dollar?
 |
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
PERVERSION
FOR PROFIT
QUICK JOKE
 |
A soldier goes into the hospital for surgery after
being wounded in battle.
Waking up from the anesthesia he sees his doctor standing at his bedside. "So
tell me Doc, what did you do to me?"
The doctor says, "Son, we have some good news and some bad news."
"Yeah, what?" replies the patient.
"Well the good news is that we were able to save your private parts."
"Yes, that is good news Doc, but what about the bad news?"
"We put them under your pillow!"
QUICK JOKE II
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven.
God greets her at the Pearly Gates."Are you hungry, Mother Teresa?" says
God.
"I could eat," Mother Teresa replies.
So God opens a can of tuna and reaches for a chunk of rye bread and they
share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looks down into Hell and
sees the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants,
pastries and wines. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remains quiet.
The next day God again invites her to join Him for a meal.
Again, it is tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa can see the denizens of Hell enjoying caviar,
champagne, lamb, truffles and chocolates.
Still she says nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrives and another can of tuna is opened.
She can't contain herself any longer. Meekly, she says: "God, I am
grateful to be in heaven with You as a reward for the pious, obedient
life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of
rye bread, and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I
just don't understand."
God sighs. "Let's be honest," He says. "For just two people, does it pay
to cook?"
QUICK JOKE III
A blonde goes into a library and cheerfully says, "Hi! I'm here to see
the doctor!"
In a stern, but hushed voice, the
librarian says, "Miss, this is a library."
So the blonde lowers her voice and says, "Oh sorry!" Then whispers, "I'm
here to see the doctor.""
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Great Site! "The Clark Field Ghost" was the best ghost vid I ever saw. But
then it occurred to me - it's the USA military! I think it's simply the
latest military invisible suit! |
Dear Mikey,
Good theory... on the other hand, you're a retard.
Love,
Donner
DONATIONS NEEDED!!!
All right, all this downtime is really started to royally piss me off.
As you are no doubt aware, the site went for about a month without an update and then spent about two weeks down. No sooner did the site come back up, the forums crashed. Dammit, this site is really starting to piss me off!
I kid. Actually, I missed this place. My poor old computer exploded (no, really... it exploded) and I found myself without internet access. To top that off, in some insane cosmic joke, the site numbers went apeshit in my absence and the site blew its bandwidth. The numbers are still high, the visitor count is still insane, and right now I'm only about 5 gigs (or five days) away from blowing bandwidth again.
And so, I have made the painful decision to leave my old provider and head off to newer pastures where I can have more bandwidth to handle the extra amount of visitors we've been getting here lately.
This is something I can swing at the end of the month, but I'm afraid I don't have that long and slightlywarped.com will be off the net by the 15th unless something happens.
This is where I'm asking for your help. Right now the site is averaging between 20,000 ro 40,000 hits per day. This is about 4 times what I was getting at the beginning of the year. If one percent of the visitors to this site donated a dollar... one dollar... the site would be on a new server by Friday.
If every visitor to this site donated a dollar... fuck, I'd be in Hawaii before you could say aloha.
So, that's all I'm asking. Can't swing a dollar? donate a quarter! I'm strapped right now, I've had to buy a new car and a new computer and this is just something I can't afford at the moment.
Trust me, this site gets moved to a new server and we're going to see fucktons of new stuff here. I mean that the arcade will be ten times bigger than it is now!
So give me your money, dammit!
 |
JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! After an insanely long wait, it's the first part of "The Wrath of Injustice Squad!" |
 |
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Pirates, Hostel Part II, Knocked Up, Grindhouse, 28 Weeks Later, and Spider-Man 3! |
Remember to donate, bitches!
Monday June 18, 2007
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
QUICK JOKE
|
|
A three year old boy noticed his testicles while
taking a bath.
"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"
"Not yet," she replied.
QUICK JOKE II
Alberto Gonzales is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.
He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” the President exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as
the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, President looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”
QUICK JOKE II
A couple just started their Lamaze class, and they were given an
activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of
sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The
husband stood up and shrugged saying, “This doesn't feel so bad.”
The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to pick it up.
“You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant , the way my wife
would do it?” the husband asked.
“Exactly,” replied the instructor.
To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, “
Honey pick up that pen for me.”
QUICK JOKE II
A man visits God and says “God, do you mind if I ask you a few
questions?”
God says “No, ask me anything at all.”
So the man says “God, you've
been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand
years?”
God replies “For me, a thousand years is only five minutes.”
The man then says “That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a
million dollars?”
God replies “For me, a million dollars is only five cents.”
The man says “Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents
please?”
God looks at the man, smiles, and says “Of course my son. Just wait five
minutes!"
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner, |
Dear Jesse,
You pose an interesting question. Of course, it would be even more interesting if they did not pass each other at all. I mean, if they were on the same track then we wouldn't be figuring up a boring thing like when the trains pass, but rather how much time the unsuspecting people in both trains have left to live. To me, it just seems more exciting.
Love,
Donner
PS: 8:06 PM
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
BACK INTO FULL SWING
It's been a while - seems like ages, truthfully - but I've finally given the website a much-needed update and shakedown. I think this is actually one of the biggest updates I've done to the site in months if not years, so I hope you enjoy.
Now, onto things I missed. For one, American Idol. Yeah, I kept up with it week after week up until the finale episode before the series of unfortunate events that took down my computer and then the website. Here's what I thought... the fix was in. Seriously, folks, I think the producers of the show saw marketability in Jordin that they didn't see in Blake and chose a song that was perfect for her and not so much for him. Honestly, expecting Blake to sing that "This is My Now" song was just ridiculous. I'm not one to point fingers and exclaim an accusation and I'm not saying that Jordin didn't deserve to win, but it seemed like the producers were taking every precaution to see that Blake didn't.
Season finales: The Lost season finale was the best one out of the bunch. I've seen shows claim that the finale would change everything, but rarely do they actually make good on that promise. Will the island be in the flashbacks next season with post-rescue taking place as the main part of the story? I can't wait to find out. The only gripe I had with the episode... the death of Charlie. It just seemed so odd. I'm not saying that I have a problem with Charlie dying even though I liked the character, I'm saying I don't understand why he had to seal himself up in a room and drown when he could have just as easily left the room and shut the door behind him. Makes no sense.
Heroes season finale was a groaner. I knew they they weren't going to live up to the hype they generated for their own show, but the finale was just plain weak. Any reason why Peter didn't fly away himself? I've been suggesting that course of action for months. Sure, maybe his imminent explosion short circuited his others powers, but that should have been covered in the dialogue. Hiro couldn't sneak up on Sylar even when he stopped time and yet managed to scream and run towards him with a sword and stab him? And you're telling me that no one noticed Sylar's body disappeared? Poorly written. I hope they do better next season.
The only other season finale of note that I watched was House where all of his staff quit on him or was fired by him. It was a nice episode that signaled real change, but if they puss out and bring Chase, Foreman, and Cameron back as House' assistants in five episodes (or at all) I'm going to be seriously pissed.
Finally, can anyone tell me why I should give a tinker's cuss about Paris Hilton going to jail? When was it decided that this stupid spoiled whore's life is so goddamned interesting that I have to hear about it every time I watch the news. I hear there's a petition going around demanding Paris' release... What I want to know is where is the petition to keep that vacant waster of oxygen in prison?
|
|
JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! How will the squad possibly get out of this one? It's The Wrath of Injustice Squad Part II! |
 |
THE ARCADE Six new games and, for a limited time, every single game ever hosted here is available for play! |
 |
THE CRAP FACTORY New pictures are in the Ghost Gallery and new adverts featured in Actual Ads! Also, The Moving Coffins of Barbados in Awesome Mysteries You've Never Heard Of! |
 |
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer and Michael Bay Consumes the Universe! |
|
|
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Get your DVD player ready as Donner does a feature length commentary of Batman and Robin! Also, the Star Trek V Commentary has been fixed! |
All right, I'm done with you! Now go away and shut up!
Monday June 25, 2007
|
|
||||||||||||||||||||||||
|
QUICK JOKE
|
|
A woman was walking down the street when she was
accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked her
for a couple of dollars for dinner. The woman took out her billfold, extracted
ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some chocolate
with it instead of dinner?" "No," I had to stop chocolate years ago, the
homeless woman replied.
Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman asked. "No," I
don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need to spend all my time
trying to stay alive."
Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair done in 20
years!"
"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going
to take you out for dinner with my hubby and myself tonight."
The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your hubby be furious with you for
doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman
looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, And chocolate."
QUICK JOKE II
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed
it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the
greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he
perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and
said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you
ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him
mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the
desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally
regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and
said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you
know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my
travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around
himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with
him."
QUICK JOKE III
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After the
checkup, the doctor took the wife aside and said, "Your husband is
suffering from severe, long-term stress and it's affecting his
cardiovascular system. He's a good candidate for either a heart attack
or a stroke. If you don't do the following four things, your husband
will surely die".
"First, each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send him off to
work in a good mood."
"Second, at lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and put him in
a good frame of mind before he goes back to work."
"Third, for dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't burden him
with household chores."
"Fourth, and most important for invigorating him and relieving stress,
have sex with him several times a week and satisfy his every whim in
bed."
On the way home in the car, the husband turned to his wife and asked,
"So, I saw the doctor talking to you and he sure seemed serious. What
did he tell you?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
|
Dear Donner, |
Dear Jeb,
You didn't watch the whole video, did you? Just for that Evil Kitty is on her way to your house to kill you... not for vengence, mind you, but to turn you into a ghost yourself so that you can see how hurtful it is when no one believes you exist. My advise, watch the video and tell me honestly if you think that the one foot floating glowing ball of light is really a spider. Do it before you are turned into an orb yourself! Oh shit, that scratching at the door is her! RUN, FOR THE LOVE OF FUCK! RUN!!!
Love,
Donner
PS: 8:06 PM
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
BLUE TOOTH IS RETARDED
I'm walking through Wal-Mart the other day because I've got that kind of money and I get pissed off. No, not because of a multi-billion dollar corporation destroying mom and pop businesses across the nation... fuck them! I get pissed off because I'm walking down the aisle and I see some six fot tall retard talking to himself. I give the retard a funny look and he looks back at me revealing that he's got one of those goddamned bluetooth things in his ear.
The
situation was clarified but not changed... the guy is still a retard.
I hate to be the one to break this to everyone who honestly thinks that wearing a bluetooth is some kind of fashion accessory, but it's an earphone, not an earring and when I see people walking around with one of those things jammed in thier ear like some kind of mechanical brain slug from The Wrath of Khan, all I can think of is that the look would be complete with a rainbow beanie and a line of drool coming out of the side of your mouth. You look... STUPID! It's not hip, it's not trendy, it's like your trying to get assimilated into a retarded Borg collective or something.
Let me shock you for a minute and tell you that I don't think that bluetooth is a horrible invention! I think it's a great idea, actually, when you're in a car and can drive with both hands on the wheel while talking to your homies but when you're walking along and talking to no one, take the fucking thing out of your ear! I love dental floss, but I don't go around with a string of it hanging out of my mouth all the time.
But no, I see these idiots with their little dork flags sticking out of their ears all the time. "Well, Donner, how am I supposed to talk to someone without my bluetooth?" Try using the phone, jackass. It's one thing that you look normal (if a bit annoying) jabbering on a cell phone in a crowded area, but it's something completely different if you look like a schizo talking to your self in the grocery store.
I have also decided that people who wear these goddamn things all the time really overvalue their importance to society. To watch some of these sad, simple, dellusional people walk around you'd think that they were fantasizing about being in the secret service or something. Then again, if this gaggle of brain-dead yutzes were really in charge of keeping George W. Bush safe, would that be a bad thing?
It's really simple, you diseased vaginal secretions who wear bluetooths. It's not a fashion accessory, it's not an earring, it's not cool! Take the fucking thing off and use it when it's appropriate. I don't wear condoms continually, nor do I have a toothbrush sticking out of my mouth in public or do I display my swim goggles all the time. Wearing a bluetooth continually makes no sense and it makes you look stupid.
Do us all a favor, take that fucking thing out of your ear and shove it up your ass.
|
|
JUSTICE SQUAD NEW EPISODE! Capeman and Power Man face off for the last time in "Power Failure!" |
|
|
THE CRAP FACTORY A new round of Photoshop Tennis! |
|
|
FUN WITH PHOTOSHOP Ratatouille! |
|
|
DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer |
Eat me. I'm out.