Monday December 3, 2007
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FUNNY
CONDOM AD
QUICK JOKE
The Three Stooges died and went to Heaven. St.
Peter greeted them at the Pearly Gates and told them that, in order to enter
Heaven, each one had to answer a question correctly. If they gave the wrong
answer, they would end up in Hell.
St. Peter turned to the first stooge and asked: "What is Easter?"
The first stooge replied "That's when kids get dressed up in costumes and go
door to door collecting Trick or Treat."
"No, stupid", said St. Peter. "That's Halloween. You're down to Hell!"
St. Peter turned to the second stooge and asked "What is Easter?"
The second stooge answered "That's when the fat man in the red suit comes down
the chimney and leaves gifts for everybody."
"No, you moron", said St. Peter. "That's Christmas. Go down to Hell!"
St. Peter turned to the third stooge and asked, in a very exasperated tone of
voice, "What is Easter?"
The third stooge answered "That's when Jesus rises out of his grave."
"And..." said St. Peter.
"And, if he sees his shadow there's another six weeks of winter!"
QUICK JOKE II
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her
and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a
while?"
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't
sleep with you tonight!"
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is
hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She
smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a
graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to
embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"
QUICK JOKE III
A woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks 'Do you do custom work?'
'Why of course!'
'Good. I'd like a portrait of Robert Redford on the inside of my right
thigh, and a portrait of Paul Newman on the inside of my left thigh.'
'No problem,' says the artist. 'Strip from the waist down and get up on
the table.'
After two hours of hard work, the artist finishes. The woman sits up and
examines the tattoos.
'That doesn't look like them!' she complains loudly.
'Oh yes it does,' the artist says indignantly, 'and I can prove it.'
With that, he runs out of the shop and grabs the first man off the
street he can find; it happens to be the town drunk.
'Well, what do you think?' the woman asks, spreading her legs. 'Do you
know who these men are?'
The drunk studies the tattoos for a couple of minutes and says. 'I'm not
sure who the guys on either side are, but the fellow in the middle is
definately Willie Nelson!'
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, |
Dear Spyke,
Of course you do. To not love The Slightly Warped Website is to be dead on the inside, the crusty crackling of your cold black heart pumping not blood as mine does, but rather a dusty brown substance that smells of broken dreams an oatmeal.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
A LITTLE HELP PLEASE
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For the last month I've been pleading and asking my provider to do something about the slow loading and downtime that's been plaguing this site and has caused visitor numbers (and the ad revenue I use to keep this site going) to drop through the floor. That's right , I'm pointing the finger at you now, shitty hosting company!
Anyway, it's obvious that I need new hosting and so I'm shopping around and taking recommendations. If you know of a hosting company that can handle a high-traffic and high bandwidth site that does not cost an ungodly amount of money let me know about it! The last place I asked said they'd carry the site for $440 a month and that just seems crazy (not to mention the fact that they haven't called me to give me an actual quote not even once, lazy bastards!)
Anyway, if you know of a reasonable company that can handle this high-visitor and high-bandwidth website, let me know. Send me to someplace great that I can use and I'll send you something free from The Crap Shoppe. (And no, I pick it. Not you!)
MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT
The little woman gave me an early Christmas present this year. A little Pacman Frog which I have named Grendel. I know, I know... What in God's name could I want with a Frog for a pet? Good question.
I
don't know... I like frogs. Always have. I caught an American
Bullfrog that was trapped in my swimming pool when I was a kid and that kicked
off a love affair with the little creatures.
Call it weird, but I like... nay, respect any animal that will eat anything that walks in front of it.
Take Grendel for example. He's only about an inch long, he's half-mouth, and he's cute as hell... even when he eats. I threw him a mealworm and he grabbed it only to have the worm hook around and latch onto his face. Then he spit it out and was all like, "what the fuck, man!?" But then he ate it and was all like, "Yeah, bitch! How you like my stomach acids now!?" and the mealworm was all like, "Shit, it burns! Why did you swallow me whole, you ass!?"
Anyway, I love my new little pet. It joins four dogs, three cats, a Guinea pig, a rabbit, three hamsters, a porcupine puffer fish, several large goldfish, and numerous little goldfish. I know that seems like a lot, but the small goldfish get fed to the puffer and I'm trying to kill one of the dogs by feeding it chocolate.
I love animals.
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JUSTICE SQUAD |
Keep checking back all week (if my shitty provider allows it). I've got reviews of Beowulf, Bee Movie, Bender's Big Score, and dozens of others! Plus, I've got the results of four Photoshop contests, and new stuff for The Crap Factory when I get time!
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QUICK JOKE
A marine general, an army general and a navy
admiral were
discussing who had the toughest men. The army general says, "Alright, I'll prove
the army has the toughest men in the country. Private, get over here!"
The private reports as ordered, "Yes sir?"
The general says, "See that man over there? Kill him!"
Without hesitating, the private kills the man.
The general says, "See? That man has balls!"
The marine general says, That's nothing. Private, get over here!"
The marine private reports, "Yes, sir?"
The marine general says, "See that man over there? Kill him and then kill yourself."
Without blinking, the marine private pulls out his M-16 and blows away the guy, then turns the rifle on himself and unloads several rounds.
The marine general says, "See? Now that man has balls!"
The admiral says, "That's nothing." He calls to a seaman high up on a tower, "Hey, seaman, jump off that tower!"
The seaman answers, "Excuse me, sir?"
The admiral repeats, "JUMP OFF THAT TOWER!"
The seaman replies, "Fuck you, sir!"
The admiral says, "See? That man has balls and he's got brains too!"
QUICK JOKE II
A Jewish congregation in New York honors its Rabbi for 25 years of
service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, there's a beautiful girl, nude, lying
on the bed. She says, "Hi, Rabbi, I'm a little something extra that the
president of the board arranged for you."
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the
Temple Board and says, "Greenberg, what were you thinking? Where's your
respect? I am the moral leader of our community! I am very angry with
you and you have not heard the end of this."
The girl gets up and starts to get dressed. The Rabbi turns to her and
says, "Where are you going? I'm not angry with you."
QUICK JOKE III
Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show. Lady luck had
smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her
opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had
run out before the show's host could ask her the big question.
Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous as her husband
drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the
answers are! You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will
probably look like garbage tomorrow. "Relax honey," her husband, Roger,
reassured her, "It will all be OK."
Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and
started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have
a little errand to run. I should be back soon."
After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide
and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and
answer!" "What is it?" she cried excitedly.
"OK. The question is 'What are the three main parts of the male
anatomy?' And the answer is 'The head, the heart, and the penis.' " The
couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling at ease, plummeting into a
deep slumber.
At 3:30 a.m., however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking
her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane
replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in
the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane
replied correctly.
So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even
though she knew the question and answer, she could feel butterflies. The
cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the
previous days' events, faced Jane and asked the big question.
"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You
have 10 seconds."
"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. " Six seconds."
"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds." "I, uhh, ooooooohh,
darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip
of my tongue this morning..."
"That's close enough!" said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!" '
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, |
Dear dylan,
So, you DON'T think Lindsey Lohan is a whore? Am I missing something?
Well, I always like to answer any complaints leveled at the website and so I checked out the page in question and since you didn't tell me exactly which picture you have a problem with, I'm going to go out on a limb and guess it's one of two.
The
first suspect picture is probably this one, Boyz n the Hood switched with Dark
City.
Yeah, I suppose I could see how one with a stick shoved incredibly far up one's ass might take offence to a movie with three African American's labeled "Dark City," but let us take a look at some of Ice Cube's own lyrics:
"Nigga I'm a hustler, act like I'm lovin ya
Don't mind fuckin ya, just like the Governor
Used to be the dope man, rolled a hundred spokes man
When I come through, treat me like the Pope man
Ghetto spokesman, I know niggaz
in Eastside Oakland all the way to Brook-lyn
And they love my shitty drawers, what you smokin?
Think you got the balls, nigga I'm a Trojan
Catchin all that just like a prophylac'
Don't reproduce, that bullshit is whack
Flavor Flav with a white bitch that is whack
Got to put the nigga back in my Cadillac
Take him to the hood, where it's action packed
Let him know that the target's still on his back
It's a hustle called capitalism
Got my niggaz in prison, all stuck in the system yeah
Recognize who's a hustler, George Dubya
He's the one that's sittin back, fuckin ya
With a big dick stuck in ya
I'm from a place where the fuckin Terminator is the Governor"
Yeah, I could see how Ice Cube could be completely offended by the word "dark".
Then again, what about Cuba Gooding, Jr? Fuck him. He was in Boat Trip and if that doesn't offend him then I don't think the word "dark" will either.
The third guy? I don't even know who he is.
Then again, I suppose it might have been this image that got your panties in a bunch.
I admit, that is awfully controversial, but then again you just fell right into the establishment's patriotic mobius loop where you can't question 9/11 or laugh at it.
My point is, dylan my boy, you can object to anything on this site. Hell, I wouldn't respect you as a human being if you didn't because we are awfully fucking depraved here. What I have a problem with is you coming here, typing off a smarmy message like your shit don't stink, and then having the iron nuts to accuse us of being ignorant when we don't conform to your vanilla definitions of what is acceptable and what isn't.
People have difference tastes, but when you have the obnoxious gaul to tell someone else that there are subjects you can't joke about, you've become the joke yourself. Please shove a can of Raid up your ass to kill that gigantic bug, fucknut.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
TEN CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT SHOULD BE BANNED (PART ONE)
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10. White Christmas
Oh, here's an idea. Let's have a Christmas song
that champions a Christmas celebrated by one race and one race only. The white
race! I'm dreaming of a white Christmas indeed!
In all seriousness, I know it's a classic but how many times do we down here in
the South where it never snows be subjected to this song about beautiful snow on
Christmas when we know we'll never see a White Christmas? You might as well be
crooning about a white Independence Day for all of the good it does us. Not to
mention the fact that on my commute this morning I heard this goddamned song
three times. Three times! I called to the station to complain and they said I
was lying. I told them they were making baby Jesus cry.
9. Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree
Fuck my ass, I fuckinging hate this mother fucking
goddamned shitty ass song! I mean, cocking hell! How many fucking times must I
be subjected to this awful horrible song every Christmas season!? You want to
know why suicide rates are so high during the holidays? It's this fucking song!
Shit in my mouth! I hate it!
Even when someone does a cover of this song, it still feels like a relic of the
rock n' roll stone age. I mean seriously, people, there are country versions of
this song! Country versions! That's like a rap song getting so lame that it's
done by polka bands!
Not to mention that this shit stained piece of doodie barely qualifies as a rock
song to begin with... maybe back in ninteen fifty... who gives a shit; it was
cutting edge, but we've grown up since then.
Stop this song from being played ever again! Have deejays throw the CD out the
window, burn all cassettes, and shatter every LP! This song licks my choad!
8. The Twelve Days of Christmas
Why in God's holy name does anyone sing this song anymore? It's like singing a
song about how much fun it is to beat the Irish or lynch black people. That's
right, kids, what on the surface appears to be an inane and repetitious song (a
serious flaw in of itself) is in fact about... SLAVERY!!!
Oh, it all starts out innocently at first. Your true love gives you a bird in a
tree which is great because who doesn't love poultry and fruit? Then you get a
couple more birds, three more, four more... what's with all these birds anyway
and just when you think that you've hit the jackpot with five golden rings, six
geese, and seven swans, that's when the human trafficking kicks in. All in all
your "true love" gives you a total of 50... yes, FIFTY SLAVES for you to use as
you see fit!
And don't tell me that all the nine ladies do is dance. Hells no, those are
prostitutes if I've ever seen them. Eleven pipers? I bet that hollow instruments
aren't the only thing they blow if you catch my drift.
Sickening. Purely sickening. How many other slave songs do you know that white's
sing freely nowadays?
7. The Chipmunk Song
Graaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!! I HATE this song with the white
hot passion that burns in the loins of a thousand deprived Guinea pigs!
Here's the thing that kills me... it's a novelty song! That's all! Some guy
figured out that if you speed up a voice it becomes kind of amusing, he made a
record to make a little extra drug money, and it's taken off like wildfire
assuring that this talentless hack and his retarded creation would have enough
drugs until doomsday!
I have a word for you: irritating! Irritation is the emotion I feel when this
shrill and badly written song shows up on the radio. I want to take Alvin and
hang him from his goddamned hula-hoop just to shut him up.
They can take this song and shove it up their disease carrying asses!
6. You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch
Ever since the live action Grinch movie came out, this song has showed up more
and more on the radio every Christmas. Well, here's a news flash for you
kiddos... this song has NOTHING to do with Christmas! It's akin to singing about
lampposts on Arbor Day! It may be a beloved song, but it makes no goddamned
sense!
Let's break it down from the perspective of someone who has never seen either
the cartoon or the movie. All right, so there's this guy... Mr. Grinch... who is
apparently "a mean one." That's fine and dandy, but why is he so mean and what
does this have to do with the birth of our lord and savior, Santa Claus? Sure,
he's mean but maybe he'll learn the true meaning of Christmas in the song and
get a little not mean. Uh... no, he's still mean.
Wait a minute... The Grinch isn't mean! Whoever wrote this song is horrible! I
mean, come on! "Your heart's a dead tomato with moldy purple spots?" What an
awful thing to say about someone who, in my estimation, hasn't done anything to
deserve it.
Come to think of it, this song is all superficial talking about how Mr. Grinch
looks! How shallow!
Fuck you, Boris Karlof! Fuck you and fuck Santa Claus for being born and dying
for our sins! I will take no part in such a cruel holiday. Leave the Grinch
alone! He doesn't deserve this slander.
Also, what does this have to do with Christmas?
I rest my case.
Tune in next week for the rest of the list!
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JUSTICE SQUAD |
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THE ARCADE Website problems solved? The Arcade is back open for business! |
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AMAZING IMAGES Two new galleries of incredible photography! |
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DONNER'S MOVIE REVIEWS The Golden Compass, Beowulf, Bender's Big Score, The Mist, Bee Movie and Premonition! |
Next week! All of the photoshop contests will be updated, we'll have new games, new junk for The Crap Factory, and a picture of me naked*!
*This will not really happen, pervert.
Tuesday December 18, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
The composition teacher asked the class to write
about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up
and read his essay.
It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
QUICK JOKE II
Liz Taylor goes in to see her cosmetic surgeon. "I have met the man of
my dreams, finally, the love of my life !" she announces to the surgeon,
"But I need you to help me with a small problem. This man is only 18
years old, I am truly head over heels in love with him, and don't want
to disappoint him in any way, so I want you to make my vagina look like
that of an 18 year old."
The surgeon tells Liz of the delicate situations involved with this
operation, but does finally agree to performing the said operation.
"But one thing" Liz says "you have to swear to me that no one knows
about this operation, that no magazines or tabloids hear about it!"
"I swear Liz" the surgeon replies.
The big day arrives, Liz goes under the knife, the operation goes text
book perfect and she is moved to a recovery room. Upon regaining
consciousness, Liz's eyes focus on three huge floral arrangements at the
foot of her bed. As the surgeon enters the room to check on her, Liz
bursts into tears.
"How could you do this to me !!! You swore that not a soul would hear of
this operation!!! "
"Now, now Liz, I didn't tell a soul. The first arrangement is from me.
I've been your friend, as much as your surgeon for the past 10 years, I
just wanted to make you feel good. The second arrangement is from the
anesthesiologist, he's gay, he's one of your biggest fans, and I thought
it was okay, since he's worked side by side with me on your operation."
Liz's eyes gazed over to the third arrangement, pointing her finger,"And
who sent those?"
"Oh yeah" the surgeon replied. "Those are from a guy in the burns unit,
he wanted to thank you for his new ears"
QUICK JOKE III
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while
he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the
pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows
it whole.
The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your
monkey just did?"
"No. What did that stupid shit do this time?" says the patron.
"Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole" says
the bartender.
"Yeah, well I hope it kills the fucker because he's been driving me
nuts" says the patron.
The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back with the monkey. He orders a drink and the
monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is
drinking his drink, the monkey finds some peanuts on the bar. He grabs
one, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender
is disgusted.
"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.
"What now?" responds the patron.
"Well, he stuck a peanut up his ass, then
pulled it out and ate it" says the bartender.
"Well, what do you expect?" replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that
damn cue ball he measures everything first!!!"'
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, |
Dear benjamin,
Chances are, this is probably some kindly homeless man offering you candy. I say go for it. How often does the chance for free candy come along? If you feel so inclined, join this man in his van where I'm sure he has more candy and perhaps some puppies. C'mon, you pussy! It's all legit!
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
TEN CHRISTMAS SONGS THAT SHOULD BE BANNED (PART TWO)
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15. Dogs Barking Jingle Bells
One day when the world is a sweltering dead planet and aliens from another star
system dig through the ruins of our once great civilization, I fear that the
first thing they will find will be a CD of the Dogs Barking Jingle Bells and
that will be what they judge our entire culture on.
I mean, seriously, who thought this was a good idea? I admit, the first couple
of seconds I heard it I thought, "Okay, that's... kind of cute" but then the
song kept going and my irritation spread through my body making me literally
angry with rage. So much so that I kicked my own dog as an example. Merry
Christmas, Rex! Here's some broken ribs, you flea-bitten animal!
The thing is, I know exactly who this travesty of justice and song was aimed
at... the rich, Christmas sweater-wearing wife of a billionaire who puts little
Santa hats on her poor Pomeranians every year. I'm sure the Pomeranians plot to
kill her, but stop because they know that the pampering will end.
And so, we're stuck with this song. Some people still find it cute... mostly old
ladies. You know what I do when I hear them say it's cute? Punch them in the
throat..
4. I'm Gettin' Nuttin' for Christmas
God... DAMMIT! The word is NOTHING! NOTHING!!!
This song warning kids to be good (or at least stay away from dirty snitches) is
one of the more annoying holiday songs. For one thing, who wants to hear a song
about someone getting nothing for Christmas? Are we really that petty? Not only
does this kid not get anything for Christmas, but his humiliation is made whole
on public radio? And people wonder why the Hostel movies are so popular!
The song is doubly annoying due to the awful kid singer deliberately
mispronouncing words. Not since Cindy Brady have I wanted to hurt a child this
badly. Oh, if it were up to be you would be gettin' something for Christmas...
my foot up your ass!
3. Redneck Christmas Songs
Yeah, I know this crosses a wide gamut of holiday fare, but I think it can all
be lumped up into one ball which, for the good of humanity, we should throw into
the sun.
Come on now! Jeff Foxworthy's The Redneck Twelve Days of Christmas? Bill
Engvall's Here's Your Sign Christmas? I'm surprised that there's not a Larry the
Cable Guy's Get 'er Done Kwanzaa!
Let me just lay all my cards out on the table to all the rednecks out there:
taking pride in being a redneck is like taking pride in being a member of the
klan. You're socially backwards, less evolved, and unless we're watching the
redneck comedy tours, we're all lauging at you! The fact that you endlessly
request these simple minded songs with such lyrics as, " Twelve-pack of Bud,
Eleven Wrastling tickets, Ten o' Copenhagen, Nine years probation, Eight table
dancers, Seven packs of Redman, Six cans of Spam, Five flannel shirts, Four big
mud tires, Three shotgun shells, Two hunting dogs, And some parts to a Mustang
GT" is just a testament to your social retardation.
And incidentally, changing the words to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is quite
witty. Welcome to 1982
2. Jingle Bell Rock
Jingle Bell Rock is the whore of the music world. Every artist out there from
country to rock to rap to polka to spoken word has put their dick in it and now
that it's been around for so long, it's penniless, infected with AIDs , and
offering to give head for coke.
Not a pretty sight.
I'm sure back in the fifties this was a nice little song, but now it's so
overdone and overplayed that it's gotten so ridiculous. Everyone has done it
from The Chipmunks to George Strait, Hillary Duff, Billy Idol, Hall & Oats, KD
Lang, Chubby Checker... Hell, even Doctor Teeth and the Electric Mayhem have
taken their turn having buttsex with this awful song.
Look up the word overexposed and you'll find an entry for this song. Jingle Bell
Rock is like the drunken fistfight at Grandma's house... it wouldn't be
Christmas without it, but I think I could do without.
1. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer
What makes you think of Christmas? Chestnuts over an open fire? The piney scent
of a Christmas tree? The crinkle of wrapping paper underfoot as you tiptoe
through the post-Christmas unwrapping? The horrible and painful death of your
grandmother?
Well, if Elmo and Patsy have their way, that will be one of your Christmas
memories... laughing at grandmother's death due to a hit and run accident.
Let's examine this song. For one thing, it's happy and upbeat. Just the thing I
would expect from a song about the murder of a grandmother. The singing is
annoying and nasally as the worst American Idol contestants.
What about the lyrics? For one thing, it spills the beans to kids about Santa.
"You can say there's no such thing as Santa." Why does he say that, daddy? Why
do people say there's no such thing as Santa? So, you tell the kid and next
thing you know, your 5 year-old is shooting heroine and having sex while
shooting up his school. Thanks, Elmo and Patsy!
"She'd been drinking too much eggnog, and we begged her not to go. But she
forgot her medication, and walked out of the door into the snow."
What emotionless motherfucker not only allows their grandmother to walk home in
the freezing cold, but doesn't end get off his fat-ass to escort her when
she is both under the influence and missing important medication?
"She had hoofprints on her forehead and incriminating Claus marks on her back."
To me, this says two things: One, she was struck in the head with a hoof and
suffered massive brain injuries. She was probably convulsing in the road and
foaming at the mouth. Ah, that Christmas memory! And what are incriminating
"Claus marks?" Semen! Santa raped her twitching body. It's so obvious, I don't
know why anyone ever thought of it before now!
Even if you don't buy the rape theory, the song still sets Santa up as some
irresponsible driver who commits a hit-and-run. Sure, he's got 34 microseconds
at each house and he's in a hurry, but is that really an excuse to run over
helpless old ladies? How many others has Santa killed over the years? Is this
REALLY the sort of image you want to bring your child up with? A rapist hit and
run looney who breaks into your house once a year?
"Should we open up her gifts or send them back?"
Ah, consumerism shows its ugly head. Grandmother has been horribly trampled and
raped and all we can think about is what she got us for Christmas. I am
disgusted.
This is the worst Christmas song of all time. Elmo and Patsy should be filleted
for unleashing this on the world and anyone who requests it should loose the
right to vote.
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THE ARCADE Website problems solved? The Arcade is back open for business! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY More Amazing Images and a new cat-friendly curiosity! |
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FUN WITH
PHOTOSHOP This week... I'm Not There! You'll love it. Trust me. |
Until next time, kiddies!
Tuesday December 24, 2007
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QUICK JOKE
A woman was out Christmas shopping with her two
children. After many hours of looking at row after row of toys and
everything else imaginable, and hearing both her children asking for everything
they saw on those many shelves, this woman finally made it out of the store and
to the elevator with her two kids.
She was feeling what so many of us feel during the holiday season time of the
year: Overwhelming pressure to go to every party, every housewarming, taste all
the holiday food and treats, get that perfect gift for every single person
on our shopping list, make sure we don't forget anyone on our card list,
and the pressure of making sure we respond to everyone who sends us a card. Not
to mention, getting the kids everything they ask for.
Finally the elevator doors opened--there was already a crowd in the car.
This woman pushed her way into the car and dragged her two kids in with
her, along with all her bags of stuff.
When the doors closed, she let out a big sigh and decided she couldn't
take it anymore, saying out loud, to no one in particular, "Whoever started this
whole Christmas thing should be arrested and strung up!"
From the back of the elevator, a quiet calm voice responded, "Don't worry
ma'am, I believe they crucified Him.""
SANTA'S LETTERS TO KIDS
Dear Santa,
I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck.
Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!
Love, Joey
Dear Joey,
Let me make it up to you. Christmas Eve, while you sleep, I'm gonna
torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to
do with.
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my
mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love, Teddy
Dear Teddy,
What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the
babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a hurricane, son! Let
me get you some nice Legos instead.
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots or
your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love, Susan
Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You
want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some
Toblerone.
-Santa
Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE
- Jimmy
Jimmy,
That whiney-begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't
work up here. You're getting a sweater again.
- Santa
Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?
Your friend, Thomas
Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most
my time squeezing cocktail waitresses asses, and losing all my cash at
the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know!
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all
yeer. YeR FReND, BiLLy
Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist.
How 'bout I send you a fucking book so you can learn to read and write?
I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
-Santa
Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for ispeace
and joy in the world for everybody!
Love, Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they?
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I need more Pokemon cards please! All my friends have more Pokemoncards
than me. Please see what you can do.
Love, Michelle
Dear Michelle,
It blows my fucking mind. Kids are forcing their parents to buy hundreds
of dollars worth of these stupid cards, and none of you snot-nosed brats
are even learning to play the game. Let me get you something more your
speed, like "Chutes and Ladders."
- Santa
Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love, Francis
Dear Francis,
Who the fuck names their kid "Francis" nowadays?
- Santa
Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake,
like in the song?
Love, Jessica
Dear Jessica,
You are that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your
house...
- Santa
Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love, Marky
Mark,
Firstly, stop calling yourself "Marky"; that's why you're getting your
ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a
low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your
pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window.
Sweet Dreams!
- Santa
GOT JOKE?
Tired of the stupid jokes I put up on this site every week? Visit
The Forums at slightlywarped.com and log on to the
brand new Joke Forum where you can share your best, cutest, most dirty,
or most evil joke. Who knows, maybe your joke will end up on here
for all the world to see!
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Dear Donner, |
Dear jordan,
Your normal everyday web god such as myself would ignore this letter for being way too stupid, but being a high school teacher I am used to holding the hands of young ignorant retards and spelling out answers in small monosyllabic words.
It goes like this: Go to The Crap Factory. I know it's a little difficult at this step, but there is a picture up around the top of the page with a picture of a ghost with the words "The Ghastly Ghost Gallery" written next to it. I know your fragile young excuse for a mind may not fully comprehend this, but that is actually where The Ghost Gallery is!
Normally, at this point I would call you something insulting and then end the letter, but since this is Christmas, I'm letting you off easy. So Merry Christmas, you AIDs infested idiot cumbubble.
Love,
Donner
To write Donner, ask him a question, or seriously piss him off, visit the message board, guestbook, or write to him directly.
MERRY CHRISTMAS
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Short blog today as I'm doing this update in the wee hours of the Christmas Eve morning.
I've got some sadness to report. For the last few weeks, one of our dogs, the adopted mutt Sammy that we took from an abusive home, has been showing signs of severe sickness. He's had severe skin infections, ear infections, and a large infection on his mouth that would not heal. Sadly, we had to start out Christmas vacation by putting the newest member of our family to sleep. It was really rough on the both of us, but we take comfort in knowing the little fellow is finally free of pain and fear and that for his last six months on this Earth, he was in a home where he was loved.
I know this probably isn't the peppy and joyous blog you were expecting on Christmas Eve, but I've found great comfort in Sammy's story. Yes, the first ten years of his life were sad ones and when I met him, he was timid and withdrawn, but during his time at our home he really came out of his shell and became the sweetheart we knew he could be. Imagine that... all that pain and heartbreak gone in a few months with a loving home! As humans, we harbor ill-will to those who hurt us, bear grudges, and keep pain with us wherever we go. But this silly little dog did none of that. He allowed his current situation - not the one he was stick in the past - define who he was and how happy it made him.
...and they say dogs are the dumb animals.
Merry Christmas, Sammy. And God bless.
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THE ARCADE Four new games! Enjoy! |
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THE CRAP FACTORY Evil Kitty is celebrating Christmas with a brand new gallery of Christmas Evil!!! |
Merry Christmas or whatever lesser holiday you celebrate.